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RED DWARF - S11E04 - OFFICER RIMMER
In memory of J.H.S. SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.
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00:00:41,163 --> 00:00:43,902
Oh, Inga.
3
00:00:44,802 --> 00:00:47,014
Inga!
4
00:00:47,117 --> 00:00:49,153
Inga!!
5
00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:51,234
Bud, wake up!
6
00:00:51,782 --> 00:00:52,841
Huhm?
7
00:00:52,842 --> 00:00:54,437
Who's Inga?
8
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:55,989
Just someone I met
9
00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:59,223
at a party thrown by
a giraffe called Gerald.
10
00:01:00,015 --> 00:01:01,463
She wanted me to fly
with her to Paris,
11
00:01:01,464 --> 00:01:04,193
but she had a wooden head
and was afraid of forks.
12
00:01:04,906 --> 00:01:06,173
There's no future in it.
13
00:01:07,124 --> 00:01:09,902
According to Freud's
lexicon of dream symbols,
14
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,429
flying is supposed to be
a metaphor for sex.
15
00:01:12,430 --> 00:01:14,357
Absolute poppycock.
16
00:01:14,557 --> 00:01:16,807
I dream of
flying all the time!
17
00:01:18,951 --> 00:01:21,151
It's certainly nothing
to do with sex.
18
00:01:21,878 --> 00:01:23,322
It's always the same dream.
19
00:01:23,323 --> 00:01:26,792
I'm in a Boeing 727
that can't take off.
20
00:01:29,552 --> 00:01:33,075
I'm sitting there with a tiny
bag of nuts I can't get open.
21
00:01:34,369 --> 00:01:35,838
Then suddenly,
22
00:01:36,009 --> 00:01:37,494
after one giant tug,
23
00:01:37,495 --> 00:01:39,221
and much to
my embarrassment,
24
00:01:39,491 --> 00:01:43,038
the whole bag explodes
over premium economy.
25
00:01:44,612 --> 00:01:45,880
Now tell me -
26
00:01:45,881 --> 00:01:47,033
because I don't see it -
27
00:01:47,034 --> 00:01:50,279
how on Earth is that
anything to do with sex?
28
00:01:52,649 --> 00:01:54,373
Sirs, I'm picking
up something
29
00:01:54,374 --> 00:01:57,278
from the other side
of that asteroid field.
30
00:01:57,279 --> 00:01:59,114
It's a deep-space
explorer ship,
31
00:01:59,115 --> 00:02:01,315
and it's in BIG trouble!
32
00:02:51,012 --> 00:02:52,222
Getting anythin'?
33
00:02:52,223 --> 00:02:53,238
The signal's weak.
34
00:02:53,239 --> 00:02:54,416
The magnetite
in the asteroids is
35
00:02:54,417 --> 00:02:56,552
distorting everything
in the local vicinity.
36
00:02:56,553 --> 00:02:58,165
Try dropping frequencies.
37
00:02:58,166 --> 00:03:00,049
See if we can
circumnavigate the storm.
38
00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:01,128
Try dropping frequencies?
39
00:03:01,129 --> 00:03:02,763
See if we can
circumnavigate the storm?
40
00:03:02,764 --> 00:03:04,430
What are you talking about?!
41
00:03:04,431 --> 00:03:06,196
Ah.
It worked, Sir!
42
00:03:07,673 --> 00:03:09,083
Good call.
43
00:03:09,084 --> 00:03:11,728
Ident details coming in.
44
00:03:11,763 --> 00:03:13,691
It's a Space Corps
deep-space scout ship
45
00:03:13,692 --> 00:03:15,368
gravity antimatter
propulsion engine
46
00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:16,249
state-of-the-art tech-
47
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it's even got one of those
big captainy chairs
48
00:03:18,128 --> 00:03:20,261
with flip-across picnic tray.
49
00:03:20,429 --> 00:03:21,846
I'd kill for one of those.
50
00:03:21,847 --> 00:03:24,088
You could captain your way
through a space battle
51
00:03:24,089 --> 00:03:26,108
and have a TV dinner
at the same time.
52
00:03:26,472 --> 00:03:27,610
Through?
53
00:03:27,683 --> 00:03:29,223
Coming through now, Sir.
54
00:03:29,224 --> 00:03:30,845
According to their manifest,
55
00:03:30,846 --> 00:03:32,238
the crew total is
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00:03:32,239 --> 00:03:33,900
half.
57
00:03:35,099 --> 00:03:36,399
Half what?
58
00:03:36,410 --> 00:03:37,810
I don't know, Sir.
59
00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:06,811
Hey!
60
00:04:07,037 --> 00:04:09,837
Now it's saying the
total crew is one!
61
00:04:09,915 --> 00:04:11,320
What the hell
is going on?
62
00:04:11,321 --> 00:04:12,684
Ah.
Best guess:
63
00:04:12,685 --> 00:04:14,833
The Nautilus is
bio-printing its crew;
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00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:17,247
which was fashionable
in the 24th century,
65
00:04:17,248 --> 00:04:19,460
where unmanned ships
were sent into space
66
00:04:19,461 --> 00:04:21,179
and only after
they encountered
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00:04:21,180 --> 00:04:23,046
a point of interest,
need, or danger
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00:04:23,047 --> 00:04:24,446
were the crew best
suited for the mission
69
00:04:24,447 --> 00:04:26,906
printed from the
bio library.
70
00:04:26,907 --> 00:04:28,785
These dudes are
going to be human, right?
71
00:04:28,786 --> 00:04:30,210
Human-like.
72
00:04:30,211 --> 00:04:32,851
They're created from
synthetic stem cells.
73
00:04:32,852 --> 00:04:34,509
But like many movie stars,
74
00:04:34,510 --> 00:04:37,967
they'll be incapable of having
children in the normal way.
75
00:04:38,648 --> 00:04:39,584
Also, their lifespan
76
00:04:39,585 --> 00:04:41,695
will only last the length
of their mission.
77
00:04:41,696 --> 00:04:43,695
In this case,
save the Nautilus.
78
00:04:43,696 --> 00:04:44,718
Okay, okay.
79
00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:47,752
We've got pictures
coming through.
80
00:04:48,849 --> 00:04:51,262
This is Captain Edwin Herring
of the SS Nautilus.
81
00:04:51,263 --> 00:04:52,604
Can you read me, over?
82
00:04:52,605 --> 00:04:53,686
Copy, Nautilus.
83
00:04:53,687 --> 00:04:55,817
But there's something wrong
with our video feed.
84
00:04:55,818 --> 00:04:57,274
From our end,
you look like a hideous
85
00:04:57,275 --> 00:04:59,389
19th century circus freak.
86
00:05:00,044 --> 00:05:00,862
Bud!
87
00:05:00,863 --> 00:05:04,006
You look like you're wearing
a toupee made of face!
88
00:05:04,989 --> 00:05:06,908
Yeah - one look at you
and even the Elephant Man
89
00:05:06,909 --> 00:05:09,249
would want to jump
in his mum and dad's bed!
90
00:05:09,361 --> 00:05:11,767
Our bio-printer jammed.
It's faulty.
91
00:05:11,768 --> 00:05:14,026
My face has been printed
on the top of my head.
92
00:05:14,027 --> 00:05:14,887
Any advice?
93
00:05:14,888 --> 00:05:15,730
Yeah.
94
00:05:15,731 --> 00:05:17,064
Don't wear a hat!
95
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:18,838
What's my situation?
96
00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:20,630
Obviously, it's difficult to see.
97
00:05:20,631 --> 00:05:23,044
It appears Sir,
your engines are burnt out.
98
00:05:23,045 --> 00:05:24,977
And you're drifting
into the heart
99
00:05:24,978 --> 00:05:26,998
of a Class C
asteroid storm.
100
00:05:26,999 --> 00:05:28,667
I'm carrying veranium.
101
00:05:28,668 --> 00:05:31,093
If the storm penetrates
my hull I'm done for,
102
00:05:31,094 --> 00:05:33,057
and so is everything
in the local vicinity.
103
00:05:33,058 --> 00:05:34,202
Can you help?
104
00:05:34,203 --> 00:05:37,180
Our two ships are separated
by the asteroid storm.
105
00:05:37,181 --> 00:05:38,817
We'll never get
'round it in time.
106
00:05:38,818 --> 00:05:39,825
Are you sure?
107
00:05:39,826 --> 00:05:40,857
Of course we're sure.
108
00:05:40,858 --> 00:05:43,280
It's as plain as
the nose on your head.
109
00:05:44,295 --> 00:05:45,707
What about your
escape pods?
110
00:05:45,708 --> 00:05:46,848
Maybe use
one of those?
111
00:05:46,849 --> 00:05:48,710
Too late.
They've escaped.
112
00:05:48,711 --> 00:05:49,759
That's what happens
when we put machines
113
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:50,793
on artificial intelligence-
114
00:05:50,794 --> 00:05:52,130
They just look after
number one.
115
00:05:52,131 --> 00:05:54,154
Perhaps you should print
some more of your crew, Sir.
116
00:05:54,155 --> 00:05:55,160
Get assistance.
117
00:05:55,161 --> 00:05:58,310
I've just told you my bio-printer's
faulty, you cretin!
118
00:05:58,311 --> 00:06:00,629
My visuals are down-
What's your name crewman!?
119
00:06:01,173 --> 00:06:02,506
Dave Lister, Sir.
120
00:06:03,427 --> 00:06:05,328
Don't speak again Lister.
Understand?
121
00:06:05,329 --> 00:06:06,101
Yes, Sir.
122
00:06:06,102 --> 00:06:08,002
I'm done for,
aren't I?
123
00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,320
Sirs, intel coming in.
124
00:06:10,321 --> 00:06:11,638
It's much as I figured.
125
00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,263
The nearer the
Nautilus gets to us,
126
00:06:13,264 --> 00:06:15,464
the more we, ourselves,
are in danger.
127
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:16,836
How'd you make
that one out?
128
00:06:16,837 --> 00:06:19,505
If the Nautilus is destroyed
in its present position,
129
00:06:19,506 --> 00:06:20,533
we're safe.
130
00:06:20,534 --> 00:06:22,827
But when the Nautilus
enters the asteroid storm,
131
00:06:22,828 --> 00:06:24,100
The veranium goes up
132
00:06:24,101 --> 00:06:26,768
and the blast radius
nukes us, too.
133
00:06:27,292 --> 00:06:29,292
We've only got
one option.
134
00:06:34,856 --> 00:06:37,317
He just launched a
mining torpedo at him!
135
00:06:37,318 --> 00:06:38,840
It's too late
to intercept!
136
00:06:38,841 --> 00:06:40,325
Rimmer, what have you done?!
137
00:06:40,326 --> 00:06:41,458
I've just saved
all our necks.
138
00:06:41,459 --> 00:06:42,305
That's what I've done.
139
00:06:42,306 --> 00:06:43,387
It was the only option.
140
00:06:43,388 --> 00:06:45,214
Impact one minute
and counting.
141
00:06:45,215 --> 00:06:46,117
You've got to tell him.
142
00:06:46,118 --> 00:06:47,939
You've got to tell Herring
what you've done!
143
00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:49,742
What? Tell him I've
just nuked his ship?
144
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:50,509
I'm not telling him that.
145
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:51,577
Why not?!
146
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,811
He won't like me.
147
00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:04,501
I've been hit!!
148
00:07:04,589 --> 00:07:06,689
I'm spinning out!!
149
00:07:10,382 --> 00:07:11,516
That was the most
150
00:07:11,517 --> 00:07:13,596
insanely, brilliant, ballsiest
151
00:07:13,597 --> 00:07:16,175
tactical maneuver
I've ever witnessed!!
152
00:07:16,176 --> 00:07:18,143
Who fired that missile?!
153
00:07:18,422 --> 00:07:20,813
Me, Sir.
Arnold J. Rimmer.
154
00:07:21,933 --> 00:07:23,727
You mean you
took off my wing
155
00:07:23,728 --> 00:07:26,529
knowing it would knock me
out of the asteroid storm?
156
00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:28,295
That's genius, Rimmer!
157
00:07:28,296 --> 00:07:31,181
They don't call me
"Old Iron Balls" for nothing, Sir.
158
00:07:32,816 --> 00:07:34,916
I owe you my life, man!
159
00:07:35,318 --> 00:07:36,551
What's your rank?
160
00:07:36,605 --> 00:07:37,893
Second Tech, Sir.
161
00:07:37,894 --> 00:07:39,424
Not any longer.
162
00:07:39,551 --> 00:07:41,403
I'm promoting you
163
00:07:41,404 --> 00:07:43,539
to officer, Rimmer!
164
00:07:44,344 --> 00:07:46,732
I'll send the authorization
through now.
165
00:07:46,789 --> 00:07:48,889
I look forward
to meeting you.
166
00:07:49,005 --> 00:07:52,041
We'll head back to Red Dwarf Sir,
and then pick you up.
167
00:07:52,042 --> 00:07:53,727
Officer Rimmer.
168
00:07:54,954 --> 00:07:56,429
After all these years!
169
00:07:56,430 --> 00:07:58,069
Oh, yes!
170
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:01,268
You are genuine, pedigree,
171
00:08:01,269 --> 00:08:03,760
thoroughbred scum,
aren't you Rimmer.
172
00:08:03,761 --> 00:08:06,913
That's Officer Rimmer to you,
Private Nothing!
173
00:08:18,358 --> 00:08:21,393
To do:
Ramscoop MOT
174
00:08:23,255 --> 00:08:26,002
We're just eight hours from
Captain Herring's ship, Sir.
175
00:08:26,003 --> 00:08:28,892
I also have the paperwork
confirming your promotion.
176
00:08:28,893 --> 00:08:33,249
According to Protocol 712,
there'll need to be an accolade
177
00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:36,418
so that you can be officially
accredited as an officer.
178
00:08:36,909 --> 00:08:38,739
Mmmm,
Simple affair, Kryten.
179
00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:40,971
I don't want anything
too special.
180
00:08:40,972 --> 00:08:43,048
We'll have it in the
Hall of Heroes.
181
00:08:44,449 --> 00:08:45,851
Champagne,
canapes.
182
00:08:45,852 --> 00:08:47,569
Maybe a very quick
six-guns salute.
183
00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:49,470
Let's not get carried away.
184
00:08:49,599 --> 00:08:52,150
And then perhaps
a short tribute - to me.
185
00:08:52,151 --> 00:08:53,176
No more than an hour.
186
00:08:53,177 --> 00:08:55,291
And then I'll outline
my plans
187
00:08:55,292 --> 00:08:57,212
to open a new officers' club
on D deck.
188
00:08:57,213 --> 00:08:59,016
A new officers' club, Sir?
189
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,098
Somewhere with an atmosphere
of understated luxury
190
00:09:04,099 --> 00:09:06,560
where officers can unwind
in their precious hours
191
00:09:06,561 --> 00:09:08,839
away from the
grind of command.
192
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:09,682
Oh.
193
00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:10,753
So basically, Sir,
194
00:09:10,754 --> 00:09:13,008
you're instigating
a class system.
195
00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:14,719
The "haves" me,
196
00:09:14,924 --> 00:09:16,734
The "have-nots" you lot.
197
00:09:17,572 --> 00:09:18,827
One question, Sir.
198
00:09:18,828 --> 00:09:20,950
The fact that you've been
awarded officer-hood
199
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:22,833
by an act of
gross deception -
200
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:25,247
does that in any way
take the sheen off it?
201
00:09:25,248 --> 00:09:26,644
Not really.
No.
202
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:28,956
It's about getting there, Kryten.
203
00:09:28,957 --> 00:09:30,673
Not how you get there.
204
00:09:31,105 --> 00:09:32,539
I made love to a
beautiful woman
205
00:09:32,540 --> 00:09:34,166
in her apartment
last night.
206
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:35,118
That's important.
207
00:09:35,119 --> 00:09:36,772
How did you get there,
bike or bus -
208
00:09:36,773 --> 00:09:37,873
Not important.
209
00:09:45,992 --> 00:09:47,958
Zero G Sports.
Where is it?
210
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,004
We were up to match day 4.
Where is it gone?!
211
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,690
Zero G Sports is an
officer only channel?!
212
00:09:55,739 --> 00:09:58,557
Has Rimmer been smegging around
with our TV package?!
213
00:09:58,604 --> 00:10:00,469
We've only got the
lame stations!
214
00:10:01,204 --> 00:10:04,083
Look at it:
24 Hour Knitting channel?!
215
00:10:05,210 --> 00:10:06,443
The Hat channel?!
216
00:10:06,663 --> 00:10:08,510
Amish MTV!
217
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,004
We haven't got the totally,
unnecessarily
218
00:10:11,005 --> 00:10:13,308
massive, repeat sports
package anymore!
219
00:10:13,309 --> 00:10:14,205
Look at this!
220
00:10:14,206 --> 00:10:16,697
Seven ID Seven,
Premier League Croquet
221
00:10:16,698 --> 00:10:19,101
Eastbourne Ladies vs
Gloucester Girls.
222
00:10:19,102 --> 00:10:20,819
It's a grudge match!
223
00:10:21,782 --> 00:10:22,882
Gosh!
224
00:10:23,902 --> 00:10:26,106
It's not too bad.
Hot dog?
225
00:10:28,077 --> 00:10:29,785
Attention,
attention.
226
00:10:29,786 --> 00:10:31,332
Officer Rimmer here.
227
00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:33,345
We'll shortly be
approaching SS Nautilus
228
00:10:33,346 --> 00:10:35,188
to welcome
Captain Herring.
229
00:10:35,214 --> 00:10:36,635
Would all lower orders
230
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,936
please make their way
to B deck.
231
00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:43,459
What the smeg's this?!
232
00:10:44,447 --> 00:10:45,844
Why has the
old service lift
233
00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:47,554
been turned to
the grunts lift?
234
00:10:47,741 --> 00:10:49,003
So the rank and file
235
00:10:49,004 --> 00:10:51,346
can travel between floors
with their own kind.
236
00:10:51,347 --> 00:10:53,266
Meantime, you use
the officers' lift
237
00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:55,069
which we can't use
on account of the fact
238
00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:56,653
that we're not "officery."
239
00:10:56,765 --> 00:10:59,450
It's one of the privileges
of rank, Third Technician.
240
00:11:04,421 --> 00:11:05,209
Gentlemen,
241
00:11:05,210 --> 00:11:07,310
I bid you a
temporary farewell.
242
00:11:15,002 --> 00:11:16,328
A towel, Sir.
243
00:11:16,471 --> 00:11:17,852
Ah, thank you.
244
00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:20,183
Facial mist for you, Sir.
245
00:11:20,906 --> 00:11:22,006
Lovely.
246
00:11:24,375 --> 00:11:27,608
Complimentary executive
beverage for you, Sir.
247
00:11:27,829 --> 00:11:28,929
Most kind.
248
00:11:35,288 --> 00:11:36,371
That'll be all.
249
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:37,286
Go along.
250
00:11:47,753 --> 00:11:48,853
Floor?
251
00:11:49,581 --> 00:11:50,681
Floor?
252
00:11:50,706 --> 00:11:52,140
I said "floor."
253
00:11:52,141 --> 00:11:53,187
Landing Bay, please.
254
00:11:53,188 --> 00:11:54,088
What?
255
00:11:54,602 --> 00:11:55,484
Landing Bay!
256
00:11:55,485 --> 00:11:58,012
Okay, keep your 'air on,
I'm not deaf, am I?
257
00:11:58,881 --> 00:12:02,004
Has he interfered with the lift
some how and made it ruder?
258
00:12:03,894 --> 00:12:05,649
Have a wonderful
onward journey.
259
00:12:05,650 --> 00:12:08,376
And we look forward to
going down with you again soon.
260
00:12:08,377 --> 00:12:09,678
How enchanting.
261
00:12:14,804 --> 00:12:16,170
How hot was that lift?
262
00:12:16,171 --> 00:12:17,404
My diodes are
almost cooked!
263
00:12:17,575 --> 00:12:18,941
Hey, look at my hair!
264
00:12:18,942 --> 00:12:21,309
I've lost volume,
height, bounce!
265
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,322
No way am I putting up
with this.
266
00:12:23,323 --> 00:12:25,242
A problem, Private Zero?
267
00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:28,352
Rimmer, if you think
for one minute...
268
00:12:29,398 --> 00:12:31,694
Officers' Corridor?
What's this?!
269
00:12:31,695 --> 00:12:34,503
Well Sir, the scutters
referbed the old tube tunnel.
270
00:12:34,896 --> 00:12:36,747
See you at the end
of the corridor.
271
00:12:36,748 --> 00:12:38,184
Bon voyage!
272
00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:46,130
His corridor has got
the best of everything!
273
00:12:46,131 --> 00:12:48,330
Air con,
music?
274
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,260
Look!
275
00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:52,553
He doesn't even have to walk!
276
00:13:10,643 --> 00:13:12,851
Welcome aboard,
Captain Herring.
277
00:13:12,852 --> 00:13:15,075
That's a hell of a
ceiling you've got, Rimmer.
278
00:13:15,076 --> 00:13:17,043
The lattice work's stunning!
279
00:13:17,412 --> 00:13:18,979
You're most kind, Sir.
280
00:13:19,076 --> 00:13:22,423
Not massively important,
but this is our crew:
281
00:13:23,004 --> 00:13:24,104
Cat.
282
00:13:24,441 --> 00:13:25,298
Ah.
283
00:13:25,442 --> 00:13:26,159
Kryten.
284
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,260
Uh-huh.
285
00:13:27,447 --> 00:13:29,509
And Third Technician, Lister.
286
00:13:29,510 --> 00:13:32,170
Ahhh.
Is this Lister?
287
00:13:32,171 --> 00:13:33,193
Ha-ha.
288
00:13:33,194 --> 00:13:36,294
I can tell he's no good
just by feeling him.
289
00:13:36,788 --> 00:13:38,215
I'm on to you, Lister.
290
00:13:38,216 --> 00:13:39,649
Don't think I'm not.
291
00:13:41,247 --> 00:13:43,014
Which reminds me, Rimmer,
292
00:13:43,091 --> 00:13:46,050
I might have been a bit hasty
promoting you to officer.
293
00:13:46,339 --> 00:13:48,359
I should have promoted you
to first lieutenant.
294
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:49,560
And I have!
295
00:13:49,561 --> 00:13:50,973
Congratulations!
296
00:13:52,051 --> 00:13:53,741
Thank you so much, Sir.
297
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,315
What's the situation with the Nautilus,
Flight Lieutenant?
298
00:13:56,816 --> 00:13:57,917
Oh, that's me.
299
00:13:57,918 --> 00:14:00,384
Uhm, the scutters are
unloading your cargo, Sir.
300
00:14:00,385 --> 00:14:02,532
The ship's done for,
I'm afraid.
301
00:14:02,533 --> 00:14:04,016
Well, the cargo's
safe at least.
302
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,833
That means my mission's up.
303
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,293
How are we going
to get him demoted now?
304
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:14,567
How, indeed.
305
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,882
Huhm.
306
00:14:31,134 --> 00:14:32,709
Yes, elegant.
Stylish.
307
00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:35,801
This'll suit me and my fellow officers
down to the ground, Kryten.
308
00:14:35,802 --> 00:14:37,340
How are you coming along
with the bio-printer?
309
00:14:37,341 --> 00:14:38,705
Ah.
I've repaired it, Sir.
310
00:14:38,706 --> 00:14:39,775
So soon?
How?
311
00:14:39,776 --> 00:14:41,321
I gave it a good kicking!
312
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,994
I thought you didn't believe
in hitting machines.
313
00:14:44,995 --> 00:14:48,077
Oh, photocopies and printers
are an exception, Sir.
314
00:14:48,758 --> 00:14:50,749
We're just waiting
for it to calibrate.
315
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:53,661
Good. And then we can start to
bio-print the Nautilus' crew?
316
00:14:53,662 --> 00:14:54,372
Indeed.
317
00:14:54,373 --> 00:14:55,369
Excellent.
318
00:14:55,535 --> 00:14:57,727
I want to print out all those
who ranked below me,
319
00:14:57,728 --> 00:14:59,961
regardless of job
or profession.
320
00:14:59,963 --> 00:15:02,000
Shouldn't we speak
to Mr. Lister, Sir?
321
00:15:02,103 --> 00:15:04,903
Kryten, bio-printing is an
officer-only privilege.
322
00:15:04,906 --> 00:15:06,251
Decisions of
this magnitude
323
00:15:06,252 --> 00:15:08,204
can't be left
to a lowly technician.
324
00:15:08,466 --> 00:15:09,161
Uh, Sir.
325
00:15:09,162 --> 00:15:10,659
Are you familiar
with the
326
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:13,160
Abraham Lincoln
quotation on power?
327
00:15:13,277 --> 00:15:14,637
Lincoln the president?
328
00:15:14,638 --> 00:15:16,261
He got assassinated
at the theater.
329
00:15:16,262 --> 00:15:17,269
Indeed.
330
00:15:17,270 --> 00:15:19,393
I've never been a fan
of the theater, Kryten.
331
00:15:19,598 --> 00:15:20,806
My mother
used to take me
332
00:15:20,807 --> 00:15:22,726
and some of the most
excruciating hours
333
00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:24,647
of my life have been
spent there.
334
00:15:24,672 --> 00:15:26,122
Sometimes the
greater tragedy is
335
00:15:26,123 --> 00:15:28,504
going to the theater
and NOT getting shot.
336
00:15:29,217 --> 00:15:30,192
You were saying.
337
00:15:30,193 --> 00:15:31,613
Lincoln once said,
338
00:15:31,678 --> 00:15:33,972
If you want to test
a man's character,
339
00:15:33,973 --> 00:15:35,417
give him power.
340
00:15:35,418 --> 00:15:36,651
And Officer Rimmer
once said
341
00:15:36,652 --> 00:15:38,065
if you want to
feel my boot
342
00:15:38,066 --> 00:15:39,063
up your recharge socket,
343
00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:40,164
keep talking.
344
00:15:47,056 --> 00:15:49,247
So we can print out
any of these people?
345
00:15:49,263 --> 00:15:50,083
Yeah.
346
00:15:50,413 --> 00:15:51,747
What about her?
347
00:15:52,705 --> 00:15:53,975
A fitness ball lady
348
00:15:53,976 --> 00:15:55,543
in tight Lycra shorts.
349
00:15:56,066 --> 00:15:57,529
She can't demote anybody.
350
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:58,566
So what if she can't?
351
00:15:58,567 --> 00:16:00,200
I can see past that!
352
00:16:01,151 --> 00:16:01,876
Sirs!
353
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,357
No! Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!
Go back! Go back! Go back!
354
00:16:04,601 --> 00:16:05,701
That's you!!
355
00:16:06,242 --> 00:16:07,342
That's me!
356
00:16:07,672 --> 00:16:08,839
How is that me?!
357
00:16:09,084 --> 00:16:11,661
Your genome is in
the Nautilus' database?
358
00:16:11,662 --> 00:16:12,597
D-what?
359
00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:13,698
How?!
360
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:14,982
Ah.
361
00:16:15,793 --> 00:16:16,893
Ha.
362
00:16:17,863 --> 00:16:18,898
Ah.
363
00:16:19,134 --> 00:16:20,180
Ha.
364
00:16:20,181 --> 00:16:22,622
I think I might have
flogged it.
365
00:16:22,944 --> 00:16:24,862
You flogged your genome?!
366
00:16:25,413 --> 00:16:26,923
Yeah, I was a kid
and my mate,
367
00:16:26,924 --> 00:16:28,769
Dodgy offered me
100 dollar pounds
368
00:16:28,818 --> 00:16:30,785
and a half a packet
of fags for it.
369
00:16:30,872 --> 00:16:32,963
All you have to do is put
some saliva on a stick.
370
00:16:32,964 --> 00:16:35,079
You sold the rights to
your unique haploid
371
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,680
set of chromosomes, Sir?
372
00:16:36,714 --> 00:16:39,648
You traded away the
map categorizing
373
00:16:39,649 --> 00:16:41,804
every detail of
your genetic make up
374
00:16:41,954 --> 00:16:46,254
for 100 dollar pounds
and half a packet of fags?!
375
00:16:50,418 --> 00:16:52,495
You think he should have
held out for a whole pack?
376
00:16:54,955 --> 00:16:57,624
Sir, this means someone else
holds the copyright to you.
377
00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,505
You don't own yourself!
378
00:16:59,617 --> 00:17:01,052
What, like every time
I take a leak,
379
00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:02,544
I'm handling
stolen goods?
380
00:17:03,693 --> 00:17:05,776
Look, we're 3 million years
into the big black.
381
00:17:05,777 --> 00:17:07,705
No one's coming out here.
Who cares?!
382
00:17:07,706 --> 00:17:09,948
Exactly.
We're coooool!
383
00:17:09,949 --> 00:17:13,031
Sir, I don't think you appreciate
what you've done!
384
00:17:15,048 --> 00:17:16,610
Thousands of
different companies
385
00:17:16,611 --> 00:17:19,826
have taken out a license
to produce yous.
386
00:17:20,109 --> 00:17:22,600
You're like writing software
that people can buy,
387
00:17:22,601 --> 00:17:23,933
and then use as they like.
388
00:17:24,071 --> 00:17:25,745
What, and do what
they want with?
389
00:17:26,029 --> 00:17:27,129
Here's one.
390
00:17:27,513 --> 00:17:29,136
License 10 years.
391
00:17:29,185 --> 00:17:30,752
3,000 Listers -
392
00:17:30,753 --> 00:17:34,913
Sandex Communication Listers,
to be used in call centers.
393
00:17:37,516 --> 00:17:38,570
Do you mean all those
394
00:17:38,571 --> 00:17:41,239
smart-ass scousers in the
call centers are me?!
395
00:17:43,483 --> 00:17:44,902
I've had those Johnnies-
396
00:17:44,903 --> 00:17:46,160
They're a pain in the backside!
397
00:17:46,161 --> 00:17:47,355
They know nothing
398
00:17:47,356 --> 00:17:49,003
and they sound like they
don't want to be there.
399
00:17:49,004 --> 00:17:50,969
They don't, Sir.
They're you!
400
00:17:52,042 --> 00:17:53,808
What have you done, Bud?!
401
00:17:54,026 --> 00:17:56,374
So Rimmer is going to
use this machine
402
00:17:56,375 --> 00:17:58,451
to produce people
who will obey him.
403
00:17:58,836 --> 00:17:59,811
Never being born
404
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:02,134
has got to be better
than a life like that.
405
00:18:02,334 --> 00:18:04,285
We've got to wipe
the database, Kryten.
406
00:18:04,303 --> 00:18:05,682
Delete it all.
Right now.
407
00:18:05,691 --> 00:18:07,025
I can't, Sir.
408
00:18:07,168 --> 00:18:09,932
I have to print out a
new crew as instructed.
409
00:18:10,020 --> 00:18:11,993
Now Mr. Rimmer's our
flight lieutenant,
410
00:18:11,994 --> 00:18:13,540
I can't refuse his orders!
411
00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:15,681
Well I'll do it.
Just tell me what to do!
412
00:18:15,682 --> 00:18:16,477
Sir!
413
00:18:16,478 --> 00:18:18,319
If you think I'm going to
414
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,537
select all these files
415
00:18:23,304 --> 00:18:25,404
and then take my leave,
416
00:18:25,685 --> 00:18:27,526
taking my leave,
417
00:18:27,544 --> 00:18:30,141
so you can press
that button there,
418
00:18:31,042 --> 00:18:33,342
you've got another
think coming!
419
00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:42,261
The entire database has
deleted itself?!
420
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:44,145
Check bio-printer.
421
00:18:44,146 --> 00:18:46,517
This is going down on my
daily to-do list.
422
00:18:46,855 --> 00:18:47,588
How?
423
00:18:47,589 --> 00:18:48,625
It's a mystery, Sir.
424
00:18:48,626 --> 00:18:50,594
I bet Lister's behind this.
425
00:18:50,595 --> 00:18:52,156
Isn't it possible
to print anyone?
426
00:18:52,157 --> 00:18:53,484
I need a crew to command!
427
00:18:53,485 --> 00:18:54,826
Well, in theory it is possible
428
00:18:54,827 --> 00:18:58,186
to insert a piece of DNA
into the bio-printer
429
00:18:58,187 --> 00:18:59,754
and have it produce a genome,
430
00:18:59,755 --> 00:19:01,198
but who would we print?!
431
00:19:01,565 --> 00:19:03,803
My mind's on file
in the holosuite,
432
00:19:03,804 --> 00:19:06,083
And my DNAs on all
my old belongings.
433
00:19:06,251 --> 00:19:07,445
With the remaining bio-ink,
434
00:19:07,446 --> 00:19:09,423
we could produce
50 versions of me.
435
00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:10,770
Make them all officers,
436
00:19:10,771 --> 00:19:12,866
so as flight lieutenant
I'm over them,
437
00:19:12,867 --> 00:19:13,655
and then,
438
00:19:13,656 --> 00:19:16,951
we can have an officers' club
crammed full of Rimmers!
439
00:19:17,074 --> 00:19:20,641
Sir, history tells us that
you and you is a very bad mix.
440
00:19:20,745 --> 00:19:23,217
You and 50 yous
is beyond horrific!
441
00:19:23,516 --> 00:19:25,547
Not if I'm their
commanding officer.
442
00:19:25,548 --> 00:19:27,278
Then they'll do
what I want.
443
00:19:27,663 --> 00:19:29,506
Move the bio-printer to
one of the junk rooms
444
00:19:29,507 --> 00:19:30,817
and double security!
445
00:19:30,981 --> 00:19:33,909
Things are about to get
a whole lot more Rimmery!
446
00:19:41,496 --> 00:19:42,401
You what?
447
00:19:42,402 --> 00:19:43,548
Officers' Club?
448
00:19:46,105 --> 00:19:47,507
Evening.
Evening.
449
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,254
Evening.
Evening.
450
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,500
Evening
451
00:19:50,673 --> 00:19:51,577
Evening.
452
00:19:51,587 --> 00:19:52,196
Evening.
453
00:19:52,197 --> 00:19:53,288
Where they come from?
454
00:19:53,289 --> 00:19:55,022
He's bio-printing Rimmers!
455
00:19:55,023 --> 00:19:57,123
We've got to kill that damn machine
before he prints any more!
456
00:20:13,932 --> 00:20:17,187
Ah, gentlemen - welcome.
Do you have a reservation?
457
00:20:18,883 --> 00:20:20,234
Where's the bio-printer, Rimmer?
458
00:20:20,235 --> 00:20:21,669
Is it here,
'cause we're going in.
459
00:20:21,670 --> 00:20:24,787
I'm afraid I can't let you in
unless you're on the list.
460
00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:25,888
Let me see.
461
00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:29,714
Stop screwin' around, Rimmer.
462
00:20:29,883 --> 00:20:31,749
Have you moved
the bio-printer
463
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:33,546
to somewhere in the
Officers' Club?
464
00:20:33,547 --> 00:20:35,248
Sorry.
You don't appear to be here.
465
00:20:35,685 --> 00:20:37,996
Rimmer. Party of two.
Eight thirty PM.
466
00:20:37,997 --> 00:20:39,072
Come in.
467
00:20:39,073 --> 00:20:40,228
How lovely
to see you again!
468
00:20:40,229 --> 00:20:41,688
Nice to see you.
469
00:20:43,472 --> 00:20:45,105
How many did he print!?
470
00:20:45,415 --> 00:20:46,749
Rimmer party.
471
00:20:46,821 --> 00:20:48,513
Four?
Straight through.
472
00:20:48,514 --> 00:20:50,705
Cloakroom's on the left.
Enjoy!
473
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:53,842
How many have you printed,
you Smeghead?!
474
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,133
You can't use
bio ink to print
475
00:20:56,134 --> 00:20:57,234
more Rims, Rimmer.
476
00:20:57,392 --> 00:21:00,759
Yeah. We need that ink
to print proper people!
477
00:21:01,369 --> 00:21:02,678
Hey, what the hell is this?!
478
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:04,779
We're the Barbershop Quartet!
479
00:21:04,982 --> 00:21:06,301
Any ID?
480
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:22,698
Mr. Rimmer,
481
00:21:23,059 --> 00:21:25,352
We are what we seem,
482
00:21:25,361 --> 00:21:29,367
The cutest quartet
that you've ever seen.
483
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:31,585
We've got four mouths,
484
00:21:31,586 --> 00:21:33,545
a duet times two,
485
00:21:34,492 --> 00:21:38,281
this barbershop quartet
is singing for you!
486
00:21:38,841 --> 00:21:40,825
That, is entertainment.
487
00:21:40,826 --> 00:21:42,048
In ya go.
488
00:21:42,105 --> 00:21:43,604
I've had enough of
this tossing about.
489
00:21:43,605 --> 00:21:44,549
Come on, we're going in.
490
00:21:44,550 --> 00:21:45,705
I've got the cravat!
491
00:21:45,847 --> 00:21:46,541
Hey!
492
00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:47,838
Hey.
493
00:21:50,540 --> 00:21:52,061
Ah.
Hot towel, Sir?
494
00:21:52,062 --> 00:21:52,771
Move!
495
00:21:52,772 --> 00:21:54,137
Facial spray?
496
00:21:54,218 --> 00:21:55,084
Enough!
497
00:21:55,085 --> 00:21:56,441
They've barged their way
into the Officers' Club
498
00:21:56,442 --> 00:21:57,637
and I need some bouncers.
499
00:21:57,638 --> 00:21:59,590
Print four more mes
and make them huge,
500
00:21:59,591 --> 00:22:00,433
muscly and brave.
501
00:22:00,434 --> 00:22:01,582
Can the bio-printer do that?
502
00:22:01,583 --> 00:22:02,324
In theory, Sir.
503
00:22:02,325 --> 00:22:05,285
Complimentary
Executive Corridor beverage, Sir?
504
00:22:05,286 --> 00:22:06,651
Don't start!
505
00:22:09,259 --> 00:22:10,989
Adjustments made, Sir.
506
00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:15,888
Why isn't it printing?
507
00:22:16,046 --> 00:22:19,229
Well, the new settings need
extra time to calibrate, Sir.
508
00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:21,478
We'll just have to be
a little bit patient.
509
00:22:21,479 --> 00:22:23,126
I have been patient!
510
00:22:25,656 --> 00:22:27,176
What's wrong with it -
the damn thing!
511
00:22:27,177 --> 00:22:28,277
Come on!!
512
00:22:30,714 --> 00:22:32,470
Come on, come on,
come on!
513
00:22:33,015 --> 00:22:34,115
Last.
514
00:22:38,427 --> 00:22:40,814
The first one's got stuck.
We need a midwife!
515
00:22:40,815 --> 00:22:42,982
We'll have to
do it ourselves!
516
00:22:45,805 --> 00:22:47,236
Pull, Kryten!
517
00:22:47,238 --> 00:22:48,778
Pull me.
Pull!
518
00:23:00,055 --> 00:23:02,088
What the hell
is that thing?!
519
00:23:06,186 --> 00:23:07,286
Come on!!
520
00:23:43,268 --> 00:23:45,267
Officer's lift on floor 15, Sir!
521
00:23:45,268 --> 00:23:47,234
We've got to take the grunts!
522
00:23:49,908 --> 00:23:51,376
Get me out of here, pronto!
523
00:23:51,377 --> 00:23:52,977
I'm busy, okay?
524
00:23:53,018 --> 00:23:54,314
Just close the doors!
525
00:23:54,315 --> 00:23:56,001
There's a deranged
version of me out there!
526
00:23:56,002 --> 00:23:57,769
There's one in here, too.
527
00:23:58,236 --> 00:24:01,148
I'll take the stairs, Sir.
We've got to tell the others!
528
00:24:06,049 --> 00:24:07,798
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry!
529
00:24:07,799 --> 00:24:09,923
Just close the doors, please!
530
00:24:09,924 --> 00:24:11,248
Hold the lift!
531
00:24:11,508 --> 00:24:13,341
Don't close!
Wait for me!
532
00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:17,405
Officers' Quarters now!
533
00:24:17,406 --> 00:24:19,949
Okay, keep your 'air on
I'm not deaf, am I?
534
00:24:26,492 --> 00:24:27,226
Right!
535
00:24:27,227 --> 00:24:29,053
I've rigged up
a monitor wirelessly
536
00:24:29,054 --> 00:24:30,621
from the CCTV footage.
537
00:24:31,013 --> 00:24:33,528
From this, we can see where
the Rimmer monster is
538
00:24:33,529 --> 00:24:34,962
and what it's doing.
539
00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:40,177
It's coming to the officers' deck!
540
00:24:47,361 --> 00:24:48,267
Let me in!
541
00:24:48,268 --> 00:24:49,642
Are you on the list?
542
00:24:49,643 --> 00:24:51,235
If you're name's not down,
you can't come in.
543
00:24:51,236 --> 00:24:52,251
Riffraff only.
544
00:24:52,252 --> 00:24:53,470
I'm going to get absorbed!
545
00:24:53,471 --> 00:24:54,720
You're going to have to admit
you're a grunt.
546
00:24:54,721 --> 00:24:55,604
Total grunt.
547
00:24:55,605 --> 00:24:57,876
Your going to have to resign
your first lieutenant-ship.
548
00:24:57,877 --> 00:24:59,860
But I worked so hard for it!
549
00:24:59,861 --> 00:25:01,303
You did nothing!
550
00:25:01,304 --> 00:25:03,732
But I did it so well!!
551
00:25:05,914 --> 00:25:07,935
Okay, okay!
I resign!!
552
00:25:08,023 --> 00:25:09,935
Just let me in!
553
00:25:12,507 --> 00:25:15,591
Stand back,
Technician 2.0
554
00:25:18,803 --> 00:25:20,089
What is that thing?
555
00:25:20,090 --> 00:25:22,073
The human body is
built of cells.
556
00:25:22,074 --> 00:25:24,120
with specific
fixed rolls, Sir.
557
00:25:24,121 --> 00:25:25,464
Stem cells,
on the other hand
558
00:25:25,465 --> 00:25:27,533
can become any other
type of cell.
559
00:25:27,652 --> 00:25:29,761
What, reprogrammable?
560
00:25:29,762 --> 00:25:31,157
So when the
printer jammed
561
00:25:31,158 --> 00:25:33,610
and did a mash-up of all
the countless Rimmers,
562
00:25:33,611 --> 00:25:36,517
it didn't just combine the
sum of your parts physically,
563
00:25:36,518 --> 00:25:38,814
it amalgamated
all your faults.
564
00:25:38,815 --> 00:25:40,148
I've got faults?
565
00:25:40,549 --> 00:25:41,892
Your lust for power,
566
00:25:41,893 --> 00:25:43,985
your impatience,
your insecurity,
567
00:25:43,986 --> 00:25:46,350
your stupidity,
your greed,
568
00:25:46,351 --> 00:25:47,397
your arrogance,
569
00:25:47,398 --> 00:25:47,991
Yes - thank you, Kryten.
570
00:25:47,992 --> 00:25:49,593
and ordered
these stem cells
571
00:25:49,594 --> 00:25:52,544
to make a creature to
accommodate them all.
572
00:25:54,257 --> 00:25:55,757
So how do we kill it?
573
00:25:55,757 --> 00:25:57,772
I have an idea, Sir.
574
00:25:57,773 --> 00:26:00,473
But it does involve
using you as bait.
575
00:26:01,432 --> 00:26:03,113
I love it already!
576
00:26:26,958 --> 00:26:28,963
We'll have to go the
long way around!
577
00:26:43,535 --> 00:26:44,816
We can't shoot!
578
00:26:44,817 --> 00:26:46,847
We might take out
Mr. Rimmer!
579
00:26:46,848 --> 00:26:48,698
And the downside
of that is...?
580
00:26:49,833 --> 00:26:50,933
Hey!
581
00:26:51,177 --> 00:26:52,166
What are you doing?
582
00:26:52,167 --> 00:26:54,854
We are going to absorb
the final Rimmer.
583
00:26:54,855 --> 00:26:55,744
Oh aye.
584
00:26:55,745 --> 00:26:56,994
Then what you
going to do?
585
00:26:56,995 --> 00:26:58,628
We haven't decided yet.
586
00:26:59,016 --> 00:27:01,031
What?
Do you not make a to-do list?
587
00:27:01,032 --> 00:27:03,406
We need to make
a to-do list?
588
00:27:03,407 --> 00:27:06,231
You should always
make a to-do list!
589
00:27:06,256 --> 00:27:08,068
Have you got a pen?
590
00:27:08,069 --> 00:27:10,168
We always have a pen.
591
00:27:14,163 --> 00:27:15,872
Well then,
write that list.
592
00:27:17,241 --> 00:27:19,886
Oh, and don't forget
to put the last thing
593
00:27:19,887 --> 00:27:22,206
you're going to be doing
on that list.
594
00:27:24,122 --> 00:27:25,440
What's that?
595
00:27:25,574 --> 00:27:27,643
Dying!!
596
00:28:11,061 --> 00:28:15,966
Thank you, Leo,
for clarifying the lift's dialog!
40902
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