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1
00:00:04,251 --> 00:00:07,414
("RED DWARF" THEME)
2
00:00:47,128 --> 00:00:50,256
Remember Argyle Somerfield,
the old movie star?
3
00:00:50,431 --> 00:00:53,958
83, according to this.
He's just had a baby with his nurse.
4
00:00:54,802 --> 00:00:59,136
"It was love at first sight," she cooed.
"I've always liked older men."
5
00:00:59,306 --> 00:01:02,798
If she ever met Tutankhamen,
he wouldn't stand a chance.
6
00:01:03,844 --> 00:01:08,281
She'd have his bandages off
before he could say "Silicone implants"!
7
00:01:08,449 --> 00:01:11,646
There's a picture of 'em with their newborn.
8
00:01:11,819 --> 00:01:15,152
There's Argyle, and there's the baby.
9
00:01:17,525 --> 00:01:21,427
No, THERE'S Argyle and THERE'S the baby.
10
00:01:23,931 --> 00:01:26,422
I was thrown by the bib and the bonnet.
11
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,761
I thought it was the baby at first.
12
00:01:37,211 --> 00:01:40,339
An 83-year-old dad?!
13
00:01:41,348 --> 00:01:43,339
How's that gonna work?
14
00:01:44,118 --> 00:01:47,576
I bet he won't get up in the night
to give the baby its feed.
15
00:01:47,755 --> 00:01:49,985
He'll probably pretend to be dead.
16
00:01:53,194 --> 00:01:55,662
"Darling, can you feed the baby tonight?"
17
00:02:01,302 --> 00:02:03,293
It's not gonna work, is it?
18
00:02:03,470 --> 00:02:05,904
The only advantage, as far as I can see,
19
00:02:06,073 --> 00:02:10,476
is the wife can change both their nappies
at the same time!
20
00:02:17,117 --> 00:02:21,952
Are you still not talking to me?
It's unbelievably childish, you know.
21
00:02:24,124 --> 00:02:28,026
I've a good mind to fill your shoes
with runny porridge again.
22
00:02:28,195 --> 00:02:30,857
That'd teach you a lesson about maturity.
23
00:02:34,501 --> 00:02:39,131
All right. I bet I can make you say something
in the next minute.
24
00:02:41,075 --> 00:02:42,440
20 big ones.
25
00:02:43,210 --> 00:02:44,541
Shake on it.
26
00:02:47,715 --> 00:02:50,548
All right. If I'm on, say nothing.
27
00:02:52,286 --> 00:02:53,651
I'm on!
28
00:02:53,821 --> 00:02:55,220
OK.
29
00:02:55,389 --> 00:03:01,350
I'm going to say something and you're going
to totally lose it. Are you ready? Ready?
30
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:09,659
All right. Several years ago, when money was
not abundant, and I medically needed a pint...
31
00:03:11,472 --> 00:03:13,531
I took some money from your purse.
32
00:03:13,707 --> 00:03:16,039
(GROANING)
33
00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:18,007
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
34
00:03:18,178 --> 00:03:20,510
God, it was horrible going in there.
35
00:03:20,681 --> 00:03:23,377
The wallet that time forgot!
36
00:03:23,550 --> 00:03:26,951
Not that there was any point.
They wouldn't serve me.
37
00:03:27,121 --> 00:03:30,113
Said doubloons weren't legal tender any more.
38
00:03:30,291 --> 00:03:33,727
You should have handed them in
after the Spanish Armada!
39
00:03:37,665 --> 00:03:41,624
I thought I'd get you going.
You hate digs about your stinginess.
40
00:03:41,802 --> 00:03:47,672
It usually makes you so agitated that you make
a cup of tea with a brand-new tea bag!
41
00:03:52,446 --> 00:03:56,075
Well, still... Plenty of time to go.
42
00:03:57,117 --> 00:03:59,085
(LAUGHS)
43
00:04:01,588 --> 00:04:04,022
Remember Yvonne McGruder?
44
00:04:05,259 --> 00:04:07,955
You really liked her, didn't you?
45
00:04:08,128 --> 00:04:13,122
I used to go out with her - before you did.
You didn't know that, did you?
46
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:17,669
Broke up in the end. Really hurt me.
Still got the scars today.
47
00:04:18,639 --> 00:04:21,904
They never heal, carpet burns, do they?
48
00:04:24,545 --> 00:04:27,810
Both cheeks, man!
49
00:04:27,982 --> 00:04:30,951
She nearly wore them down to the bone!
50
00:04:32,286 --> 00:04:35,517
(SCREECHES)
51
00:04:35,689 --> 00:04:37,122
Will you shut up?!
52
00:04:37,291 --> 00:04:39,259
What did I tell ya?
53
00:04:39,426 --> 00:04:41,223
20 big ones.
54
00:04:41,395 --> 00:04:45,297
I've listened to you wittling on
for what seems like two ice ages.
55
00:04:45,466 --> 00:04:47,297
My mind is so numb and drained,
56
00:04:47,468 --> 00:04:52,098
I feel like I've attended a three-day seminar
on the future of plumbing.
57
00:04:52,940 --> 00:04:55,135
Do you know how irritating you are?
58
00:04:55,309 --> 00:05:00,008
You're a master. There are things
you could teach to tropical skin diseases.
59
00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:02,546
- Talk to me, then.
- No!
60
00:05:02,716 --> 00:05:05,708
I'm sorry! How many times
do you want me to say it?
61
00:05:05,886 --> 00:05:08,150
- I am sorry!
- No, you're not.
62
00:05:08,322 --> 00:05:11,814
- It was an accident.
- You poured a whole tube of it over me,
63
00:05:11,992 --> 00:05:16,429
you disgusting, rotting, fetid
piece of congealed monkey vomit!
64
00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:20,823
At last you're talking to me.
I knew we'd make it up.
65
00:05:23,504 --> 00:05:25,199
83!
66
00:05:40,687 --> 00:05:43,315
(CAT) It seems even bigger than I remember.
67
00:05:45,125 --> 00:05:49,061
Er... guys, we got a problem!
68
00:05:52,099 --> 00:05:55,034
- Guys, look at me body.
- There's an invitation
69
00:05:55,235 --> 00:05:57,135
that will not cause a stampede!
70
00:05:57,304 --> 00:06:00,102
- It's back to normal.
- No time for that now.
71
00:06:00,274 --> 00:06:06,770
We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf,
and Starbug appears to be expanding!
72
00:06:06,947 --> 00:06:09,609
It's Red Dwarf that's shrinking.
73
00:06:09,783 --> 00:06:13,480
It's to do with the nanobot molecular process,
like my body.
74
00:06:15,522 --> 00:06:18,548
We're being sucked into a vent. I can't fight it.
75
00:06:22,463 --> 00:06:26,991
- (KRIS) Air-vent walls closing in.
- We must be bold, positive, decisive.
76
00:06:27,167 --> 00:06:30,898
- Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert.
- Forget red.
77
00:06:31,071 --> 00:06:34,131
Let's go all the way up to brown alert!
78
00:06:35,909 --> 00:06:38,173
There's no such thing as brown alert.
79
00:06:38,345 --> 00:06:40,677
You won't be saying that in a minute!
80
00:06:41,782 --> 00:06:44,080
And don't say I didn't alert you.
81
00:06:44,818 --> 00:06:49,221
All right, dudes. Anyone fancy
a game of charades using just your nose,
82
00:06:49,389 --> 00:06:53,291
- or is this a bad time?
- We're about to get crushed to death!
83
00:06:53,460 --> 00:06:55,451
So that's a no, then?
84
00:06:55,629 --> 00:06:57,529
Once the nanos rebuilt the ship,
85
00:06:57,698 --> 00:07:02,533
- I thought things would get back to normal.
- We haven't a clue what's happening.
86
00:07:02,703 --> 00:07:04,534
Things ARE back to normal.
87
00:07:04,705 --> 00:07:06,900
You don't even fancy a quick one?
88
00:07:08,642 --> 00:07:13,773
Science-fiction film,
name of the ship, one word.
89
00:07:13,947 --> 00:07:17,713
(HUMS THROUGH HIS NOSE)
90
00:07:20,721 --> 00:07:22,712
The Nostrilomo.
91
00:07:24,191 --> 00:07:26,557
Spent a week thinking that one up.
92
00:07:26,727 --> 00:07:28,024
Good, innit?
93
00:07:28,195 --> 00:07:32,461
- Computing time to impact. Calculations here.
- How long have we got?
94
00:07:32,633 --> 00:07:36,069
- About the time it takes to read a Stop sign.
- That's OK.
95
00:07:36,236 --> 00:07:39,137
I don't always get through those in one sitting.
96
00:07:39,907 --> 00:07:42,535
- What are our chances?
- About the same odds
97
00:07:42,709 --> 00:07:47,612
as discovering Mr. Lister saddle-stitching
the hem of linen maternity slacks.
98
00:07:47,781 --> 00:07:52,115
It's been a while since I did that.
Can't you get this crate to go faster?
99
00:07:52,286 --> 00:07:57,656
- We'll get crushed by a gigantic trouser press!
- Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free.
100
00:07:58,759 --> 00:08:03,196
- I always prayed I'd go out like that.
- There may be a way through this.
101
00:08:03,363 --> 00:08:05,991
Go past Epsilon 14, right at the hydro unit.
102
00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:08,066
- Saves two minutes.
- Well, sir?
103
00:08:08,235 --> 00:08:13,764
I don't understand a woman who's hurtling
towards 30 and still has a teddy called Boo-Boo.
104
00:08:13,941 --> 00:08:17,900
- But as a navigator, there's none finer!
- What's your view, Hol?
105
00:08:18,078 --> 00:08:21,536
Straight up your nose
when you lean in like that.
106
00:08:21,715 --> 00:08:23,342
Epsilon 14.
107
00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:29,053
There's some kind of heartbeat up ahead.
108
00:08:29,223 --> 00:08:34,160
- It's beating at an incredible rate.
- There's a heart out there with no body?
109
00:08:34,328 --> 00:08:36,262
No wonder it's beating so fast!
110
00:08:49,076 --> 00:08:52,045
(THROBBING HEARTBEAT)
111
00:09:02,956 --> 00:09:05,356
Hope we don't get stopped by the cops.
112
00:09:05,525 --> 00:09:08,392
They don't like it when you're rat-arsed.
113
00:09:26,580 --> 00:09:28,571
We've lost all engines.
114
00:09:30,083 --> 00:09:34,611
Didn't I read somewhere
that can seriously affect your ability to fly?
115
00:09:38,992 --> 00:09:41,961
Now we've lost the midsection and the kitchen.
116
00:09:42,129 --> 00:09:46,190
I'm sorry, everyone, but we may have
to have sandwiches for lunch.
117
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:48,498
(ALL) Oh...
118
00:10:08,322 --> 00:10:10,290
(COUGHING)
119
00:10:35,515 --> 00:10:38,109
- Dave?
- Selby...
120
00:10:38,285 --> 00:10:40,617
Chen... Is it really you?
121
00:10:41,488 --> 00:10:43,752
Is it really us? Hang on. I'll check.
122
00:10:44,958 --> 00:10:48,257
- Think it's us.
- Guys, this is brilliant.
123
00:10:48,428 --> 00:10:52,023
- I can't believe it!
- You know these people, sir?
124
00:10:52,199 --> 00:10:55,430
Know them? When they've been drunk
and unconscious,
125
00:10:55,602 --> 00:10:58,833
I've undressed them
and painted parts of them green.
126
00:10:59,005 --> 00:11:01,166
This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!
127
00:11:01,341 --> 00:11:04,606
- How?
- The nanos resurrected them with the ship.
128
00:11:04,778 --> 00:11:08,680
This is Chen. He works in the kitchen.
He's always drunk.
129
00:11:08,849 --> 00:11:12,808
And this is Selby, and he's always drunk, too.
Where's Petersen?
130
00:11:12,986 --> 00:11:14,317
He couldn't make it.
131
00:11:14,488 --> 00:11:16,547
He's drunk!
132
00:11:16,723 --> 00:11:21,490
The crew are all alive. Great news.
Wonderful, marvellous, incredible news.
133
00:11:21,661 --> 00:11:24,494
All that extra ironing - bliss!
134
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:30,860
Mr. Thornton, read them their rights.
135
00:11:31,905 --> 00:11:36,672
David Lister, you are formally charged
with stealing and crashing a Starbug,
136
00:11:36,843 --> 00:11:42,611
having no pilot's licence, and smuggling
two stowaways onboard with Officer Kochanski.
137
00:11:42,783 --> 00:11:47,720
Anything you say or do not say now may be
used by the board of inquiry against you.
138
00:11:47,888 --> 00:11:50,118
Do you require any form of aid?
139
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:53,748
Yeah, lemonade and a really large Scotch.
140
00:11:53,927 --> 00:11:56,020
Left, right, left, right...
141
00:11:56,196 --> 00:12:00,326
- Relax. You'll burst a blood vessel.
- Shut up! Do you understand?!
142
00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:02,400
- Do you understand?!
- Yes.
143
00:12:02,569 --> 00:12:03,866
Yes, what?
144
00:12:04,037 --> 00:12:08,235
- Yes, Mr. Shouty.
- Yes, sir! Left, right, left, right...
145
00:12:09,242 --> 00:12:11,301
...left, right. Halt!
146
00:12:11,478 --> 00:12:13,469
Left arm.
147
00:12:16,116 --> 00:12:17,674
At ease.
148
00:12:23,223 --> 00:12:25,157
(HOLLY) All right, dude?
149
00:12:25,325 --> 00:12:30,820
They don't know about you yet. It might be
an idea to keep it that way. I need some info.
150
00:12:30,997 --> 00:12:33,864
If the board finds us guilty, what happens then?
151
00:12:34,034 --> 00:12:38,767
They'll probably have a pot of tea,
a bit of a chat and go home, I suppose.
152
00:12:38,939 --> 00:12:41,499
What happens to us, you divvy, not them!
153
00:12:41,675 --> 00:12:44,735
If you lose, you'll get two years in the brig.
154
00:12:44,911 --> 00:12:46,902
- What brig?
- The brig on floor 13.
155
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,106
- There isn't a floor 13.
- It was classified.
156
00:12:50,283 --> 00:12:52,046
A need-to-know-only basis.
157
00:12:52,219 --> 00:12:54,244
- So who knew?
- All the officers,
158
00:12:54,421 --> 00:12:58,016
and anyone who's ever seen
"The Twilight Zone".
159
00:12:58,191 --> 00:13:00,182
What's it like, this brig?
160
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:05,093
If I was an estate agent, I'd describe it
as an old-style penal establishment,
161
00:13:05,265 --> 00:13:07,665
abundant wildlife, 200 bedrooms
162
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:10,359
all with en suite buckets.
163
00:13:11,204 --> 00:13:12,865
Smegging 'ell!
164
00:13:13,039 --> 00:13:15,030
They call it the Tank.
165
00:13:15,208 --> 00:13:19,804
There was an inmate population of 400
all being transported to Adelphi 12.
166
00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:25,714
- Presumably they've all been resurrected, too.
- What are they like? No, don't tell me.
167
00:13:25,886 --> 00:13:32,121
They're all deranged, hairy no-lobes, breath like
old nappies, arms like toilet walls, aren't they?
168
00:13:32,959 --> 00:13:36,053
Well, the nice ones are, yeah.
169
00:13:36,229 --> 00:13:40,563
Hang on. I've got one of them on file
somewhere. Here we go.
170
00:13:42,636 --> 00:13:43,933
I'm Nigel.
171
00:13:44,104 --> 00:13:45,628
I'm nice.
172
00:13:47,707 --> 00:13:51,165
See what I mean? They're not all headbangers.
173
00:13:51,745 --> 00:13:55,272
Nige is lovely.
Though he does tend to get a bit narky
174
00:13:55,448 --> 00:13:58,508
if you go too close to him with a magnet.
175
00:14:00,153 --> 00:14:02,951
Thanks, Hol. You're really cheering me up (!)
176
00:14:04,758 --> 00:14:06,817
The brig!
177
00:14:06,993 --> 00:14:08,824
Two years!
178
00:14:08,995 --> 00:14:11,225
Two years without curry and lager!
179
00:14:11,398 --> 00:14:14,026
Two years without sex!
180
00:14:14,868 --> 00:14:17,268
You hope.
181
00:14:17,437 --> 00:14:20,929
- Rimmer!
- They're gonna throw the book at you, Listy,
182
00:14:21,107 --> 00:14:24,167
then the bookcase and library, brick by brick.
183
00:14:24,344 --> 00:14:26,539
God, it's you like you used to be.
184
00:14:26,713 --> 00:14:28,442
(GROANS)
185
00:14:29,049 --> 00:14:34,077
What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug.
You're a technician. A zero. A nobody.
186
00:14:35,088 --> 00:14:36,646
This is gonna sound nuts,
187
00:14:36,823 --> 00:14:42,693
but the whole crew died, including you, and you
were resurrected by these microscopic robots.
188
00:14:42,862 --> 00:14:47,890
I died? All the crew died? And you're gonna
spend the next two years in the brig
189
00:14:48,068 --> 00:14:51,333
with a load of Neanderthals
with badly spelt tattoos?
190
00:14:52,238 --> 00:14:54,502
So where are we? Is this my heaven?
191
00:14:55,709 --> 00:15:00,703
Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out.
I survived 'cause I was in stasis.
192
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:05,817
Then these nanos arrived, rebuilt the ship
and resurrected the crew.
193
00:15:05,986 --> 00:15:08,921
- So where are they?
- Dunno. Gone. Scarpered.
194
00:15:09,089 --> 00:15:13,617
- Maybe I should take the Fifth.
- I'd take the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth, too.
195
00:15:13,793 --> 00:15:19,493
I've got to find these nanos to corroborate our
story, otherwise who will believe our defence?
196
00:15:19,666 --> 00:15:23,932
Meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society.
I need your help, man.
197
00:15:24,104 --> 00:15:28,871
- Me?
- Who else will help? I'm confined to quarters.
198
00:15:29,042 --> 00:15:34,275
The minute I go through that door, I get enough
watches up me jacksie to light up Bootle.
199
00:15:34,447 --> 00:15:38,008
Considering what the future
has in store for your jacksie,
200
00:15:38,184 --> 00:15:41,153
a couple of zillion volts will be easy street.
201
00:15:42,522 --> 00:15:45,582
Why have the nanobots put us in this situation?
202
00:15:45,759 --> 00:15:50,059
In the past, they've only ever done things
which have benefited us.
203
00:15:50,230 --> 00:15:53,256
- Like what?
- Like when they first stole Red Dwarf.
204
00:15:53,433 --> 00:15:55,424
We went halfway round the galaxy.
205
00:15:55,602 --> 00:15:59,368
They led us to Legion,
where Mr. Rimmer acquired a hard-light body.
206
00:15:59,539 --> 00:16:03,100
- Benefit.
- Then, back at Red Dwarf, they rebooted Holly.
207
00:16:03,276 --> 00:16:08,509
Benefit. And after that, they led you
to the temporal rip where you met me.
208
00:16:15,922 --> 00:16:18,152
(TOILET FLUSHES)
209
00:16:21,528 --> 00:16:23,792
(HISSING SPRAY)
210
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:33,004
Is it true we're three million light years into
deep space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape?
211
00:16:34,074 --> 00:16:39,011
That is classified information, Karen!
Who the hell told you that?
212
00:16:39,179 --> 00:16:41,170
The coffee machine on G Deck.
213
00:16:41,347 --> 00:16:45,807
Damn coffee machine! I'm gonna bust
his ass down to tampon dispenser.
214
00:16:47,087 --> 00:16:48,384
Is it true?
215
00:16:49,355 --> 00:16:52,153
Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it.
216
00:16:52,325 --> 00:16:56,887
Starbug took out a CPU bank in the crash.
We're having trouble rebooting.
217
00:16:57,063 --> 00:17:02,933
The coffee machine said the ship's identical to
its original design plans - before the cutbacks.
218
00:17:03,103 --> 00:17:06,698
We now have a quark level
matter-anti-matter generator,
219
00:17:06,873 --> 00:17:11,310
ship wired by organic computer networking,
and a karaoke bar on C deck.
220
00:17:11,478 --> 00:17:14,879
But how? And how did we wind up in deep space?
221
00:17:15,048 --> 00:17:17,516
Nobody knows.
222
00:17:28,194 --> 00:17:31,823
We don't believe this one's human.
Take a look at this.
223
00:17:31,998 --> 00:17:34,296
(WHISTLES) Has he got the measles?
224
00:17:34,467 --> 00:17:36,025
Those are his nipples.
225
00:17:38,304 --> 00:17:41,569
Six nipples?
What's the female of the species like?
226
00:17:41,741 --> 00:17:43,834
Pretty easy to please in bed.
227
00:17:45,245 --> 00:17:47,645
Especially if you play the piano.
228
00:17:48,448 --> 00:17:51,315
- His internal organs are different, too.
- How?
229
00:17:51,484 --> 00:17:55,011
His kidney, liver, appendix,
are colour-coordinated.
230
00:17:57,090 --> 00:18:00,890
And even weirder, his stomach wall
appears to be decorated.
231
00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:04,461
This guy's intestines look better
than my quarters.
232
00:18:04,631 --> 00:18:10,797
His heartbeat's weird, too. Instead
of a normal heartbeat, his sounds... cooler.
233
00:18:11,671 --> 00:18:16,301
Do you think I'm gonna have the dorky human
heartbeat? Doo-duh. Doo-duh.
234
00:18:16,476 --> 00:18:20,071
Doo-duh. Doo-duh. Where's the tune in that?
235
00:18:20,246 --> 00:18:22,510
Let me hear it.
236
00:18:23,883 --> 00:18:27,148
(HIP-HOP BEAT)
237
00:18:29,923 --> 00:18:32,357
Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.
238
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,752
(SAMBA RHYTHM)
239
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:44,295
That's good. Will you slam that
down on tape for me?
240
00:18:50,009 --> 00:18:54,070
Rimmer, help me escape.
I've got to track down these nanobots.
241
00:18:54,247 --> 00:18:57,705
I'm not risking my career for you.
I'm going places.
242
00:18:57,884 --> 00:18:59,943
Up the ziggurat lickety-split (!)
243
00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:03,646
Precisely. I'm going to pass the engineering exam.
244
00:19:03,823 --> 00:19:06,986
- And become an officer.
- Yes. An officer.
245
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,560
A guy of honour, decency and breeding.
246
00:19:10,530 --> 00:19:13,499
Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?
247
00:19:13,666 --> 00:19:18,729
People with breeding, when they're bored
and want my bridge club chums to go home,
248
00:19:18,905 --> 00:19:24,309
they do not play "Popeye the Sailor Man"
with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.
249
00:19:26,079 --> 00:19:27,569
I remember that.
250
00:19:27,747 --> 00:19:30,978
(LAUGHS) I used to do that sort of thing,
didn't I?
251
00:19:31,150 --> 00:19:36,520
And when someone's had a tad too much claret
and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk,
252
00:19:36,689 --> 00:19:41,217
people of honour generally don't take
a Polaroid of your snoozing todger,
253
00:19:41,394 --> 00:19:43,988
draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it...
254
00:19:44,864 --> 00:19:48,960
...then pin it up on the bulletin board
under "Missing Persons".
255
00:19:56,309 --> 00:20:02,145
They don't write underneath, "Have you seen
this man, believed to be a French movie star?"
256
00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:08,119
As if your todger with eyes drawn on it
would look like a French movie star.
257
00:20:08,955 --> 00:20:11,116
Way too good-looking.
258
00:20:11,758 --> 00:20:14,955
- Don't expect help from me.
- But that was years ago.
259
00:20:15,128 --> 00:20:17,494
- It was last week!
- Last week for you.
260
00:20:17,664 --> 00:20:21,100
You've just been resurrected - years ago for me.
261
00:20:21,267 --> 00:20:25,226
Anyway, I was wurlitzered then.
I even finished off the advocaat.
262
00:20:25,405 --> 00:20:29,899
I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff
at the back of the drinks cabinet.
263
00:20:30,076 --> 00:20:32,442
That was my Windolene.
264
00:20:33,846 --> 00:20:36,007
I'd used it to clean the glass.
265
00:20:36,182 --> 00:20:40,642
It tasted all right
with that chartreuse green liqueury thing in it.
266
00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:43,311
You drank my Swarfega, too?
267
00:20:44,824 --> 00:20:49,761
- You're unbelievable.
- I'm different now. More mature and debonair.
268
00:20:49,929 --> 00:20:54,423
I don't even stir me tea with a spanner
any more. You'd hardly recognise me.
269
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,228
- Have you stopped playing the guitar?
- No.
270
00:20:57,403 --> 00:21:00,930
But I've stopped accompanying myself
on me armpit.
271
00:21:01,107 --> 00:21:04,668
I don't have to take
my frustrations out on you any more.
272
00:21:04,844 --> 00:21:06,209
How's that?
273
00:21:06,379 --> 00:21:11,715
I've been away. What is it? Five or six years
not counting stasis? I've done stuff.
274
00:21:11,884 --> 00:21:15,820
Stuff that would make your hair straight.
I've come through it.
275
00:21:17,323 --> 00:21:19,655
- I can help you.
- Do what?
276
00:21:19,826 --> 00:21:21,817
Get promoted.
277
00:21:22,829 --> 00:21:24,126
Preposterous!
278
00:21:24,297 --> 00:21:25,628
How?
279
00:21:26,599 --> 00:21:32,333
Information. I saw the crew's confidential
reports. I know their strengths and weaknesses.
280
00:21:33,272 --> 00:21:35,536
- How?
- Before you were resurrected,
281
00:21:35,708 --> 00:21:38,074
I had the run of the whole of the ship.
282
00:21:38,244 --> 00:21:42,806
I've seen the crew's files, medical records,
therapy sessions - the works.
283
00:21:42,982 --> 00:21:45,610
Knowledge is power. Who said that?
284
00:21:45,785 --> 00:21:47,776
- I don't know.
- Nor do I.
285
00:21:49,689 --> 00:21:53,284
The point I'm making is
I can make you look like a genius.
286
00:21:53,459 --> 00:21:58,863
You can get promoted. You won't have
to take exams - do that astroengineering smeg.
287
00:21:59,032 --> 00:22:01,091
Just help me escape.
288
00:22:01,267 --> 00:22:07,137
I have my principles. You think you can buy me
with promises of power and glory? You think...
289
00:22:07,306 --> 00:22:09,297
OK, I'll do it.
290
00:22:10,710 --> 00:22:13,770
- You'll have to prove it to me first.
- You're on.
291
00:22:13,946 --> 00:22:15,971
- Get me promoted.
- You've got it.
292
00:22:16,149 --> 00:22:17,844
OK. Deal.
293
00:22:18,017 --> 00:22:21,248
The confidential files are in Starbug's cockpit.
294
00:22:21,421 --> 00:22:24,390
The senile version of Holly
is loaded into this watch.
295
00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:31,721
Hello. I'm Dr Lucas McClaren.
I'm the ship's chief psychiatric counsellor.
296
00:22:31,898 --> 00:22:35,994
I thought it was time we got together
and had a really good natter.
297
00:22:36,169 --> 00:22:37,932
My name is Kryten, sir.
298
00:22:38,104 --> 00:22:41,733
Lovely. We are doing well, aren't we!
299
00:22:42,675 --> 00:22:45,769
Now, you're a robot, aren't you?
300
00:22:46,379 --> 00:22:49,177
I was the last time I looked, sir, yes.
301
00:22:49,348 --> 00:22:53,341
Can you tell me when you were created?
Can you remember?
302
00:22:53,519 --> 00:22:55,009
2340, sir.
303
00:22:55,188 --> 00:22:57,748
Very good. 2340.
304
00:22:57,924 --> 00:23:00,950
Now, that's in the future, isn't it?
305
00:23:01,127 --> 00:23:03,391
Yes, sir. I was created after you died.
306
00:23:03,563 --> 00:23:05,554
Lovely!
307
00:23:06,499 --> 00:23:12,563
So, I died and you were created - how long
would you say I've been dead altogether?
308
00:23:12,738 --> 00:23:15,707
- You're not dead any more, sir.
- Aren't I?
309
00:23:16,709 --> 00:23:20,668
- No. You're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?
- Right...
310
00:23:20,847 --> 00:23:25,147
I was alive, died, and then started living again.
311
00:23:25,318 --> 00:23:28,719
- You've been most fortunate, sir.
- I have, haven't I?!
312
00:23:28,888 --> 00:23:32,949
Golly. Your chair IS screwed down,
isn't it, Kryten?
313
00:23:36,028 --> 00:23:39,191
- Yes, sir.
- Just checking. Excellent. Lovely.
314
00:23:39,365 --> 00:23:41,060
So...
315
00:23:41,234 --> 00:23:43,998
How did I suddenly spring back to life again?
316
00:23:44,170 --> 00:23:47,970
You were rebuilt
by these teeny-weeny tinty little robots.
317
00:23:48,141 --> 00:23:51,338
- Tinty little robots?
- They make this little noise.
318
00:23:51,511 --> 00:23:53,308
(SQUEAKS) Mini-mini-mini.
319
00:23:53,479 --> 00:23:57,006
Yes. Just double-check that chair for me,
would you?
320
00:23:57,183 --> 00:23:59,913
- It IS screwed down, isn't it?
- Yes, sir.
321
00:24:00,086 --> 00:24:03,852
With long, long screws
that go deep, deep into the ground?
322
00:24:04,023 --> 00:24:05,888
Yes, sir.
323
00:24:06,058 --> 00:24:11,621
Tell me. What kind of robot do you think
you are? What were you programmed to do?
324
00:24:11,797 --> 00:24:16,928
I'm a sanitation droid. I do sanitation-type
things - washing, cleaning, ironing.
325
00:24:17,103 --> 00:24:21,335
You also drive spaceships, don't you?
Pretend to be the science officer
326
00:24:21,507 --> 00:24:26,001
and sit in that swivelly chair
with those pretty buttons and press them all.
327
00:24:26,179 --> 00:24:27,703
Yes, I do that too, sir.
328
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:30,940
- That's sort of thanks to Mr. Lister.
- Mr. Lister?
329
00:24:31,117 --> 00:24:36,350
He helped me break my programming.
I've developed some serious character faults
330
00:24:36,522 --> 00:24:38,547
of which I'm extremely proud.
331
00:24:38,724 --> 00:24:41,352
I'm even able to lie to a modest standard.
332
00:24:41,527 --> 00:24:44,257
For example, you have a very fine haircut.
333
00:24:44,430 --> 00:24:46,489
(LAUGHS)
334
00:24:48,434 --> 00:24:52,530
See how good I've got?
Also, I've completely mastered pomposity,
335
00:24:52,705 --> 00:24:55,139
even though I say so myself.
336
00:24:55,308 --> 00:24:59,608
I've also developed several
rudimentary emotions, including fear...
337
00:24:59,779 --> 00:25:02,543
(SHRIEKS) Oh, my God. It's going to kill us!
338
00:25:02,715 --> 00:25:05,946
Sadness... (QUIETLY) Oh, my God. It's killed us.
339
00:25:06,752 --> 00:25:08,049
Happiness...
340
00:25:08,221 --> 00:25:09,813
Oh, no, it hasn't!
341
00:25:09,989 --> 00:25:13,356
Surprise...
(SQUEALS) Ooh! I've turned into a frog!
342
00:25:14,660 --> 00:25:21,088
And just lately, I've got the hang of anger
with rudimentary mindless violence. Arrgh!
343
00:25:23,436 --> 00:25:24,960
That's a newie.
344
00:25:25,137 --> 00:25:28,504
I was gonna launch it
at this year's emotion show.
345
00:25:28,674 --> 00:25:31,404
At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence,
346
00:25:31,577 --> 00:25:35,741
which means feeling two opposite emotions
about the same thing.
347
00:25:35,915 --> 00:25:38,315
(GROANS)
348
00:25:40,353 --> 00:25:42,685
I haven't got the hang of that one yet.
349
00:25:43,823 --> 00:25:46,849
I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.
350
00:25:50,529 --> 00:25:55,694
- What is your relationship with Lister?
- I love Mr. Lister. He taught me everything.
351
00:25:55,868 --> 00:25:58,530
Without him, I'd probably be normal.
352
00:26:00,239 --> 00:26:04,073
I'm gonna make a recommendation
which I think will help you,
353
00:26:04,243 --> 00:26:08,475
but just before I do,
double-check that chair for me, would you?
354
00:26:19,525 --> 00:26:21,049
(TAPPING KEYS)
355
00:26:22,595 --> 00:26:24,119
Yes!
356
00:26:28,634 --> 00:26:31,899
Luck virus? Sexual magnetism?
357
00:26:32,438 --> 00:26:34,338
- (BEEP)
- Holly, what's this?
358
00:26:34,507 --> 00:26:38,409
They got them years ago
from this scientist called Lanstrom.
359
00:26:38,577 --> 00:26:43,776
They're positive viruses. One gives you
sexual magnetism, the other gives you luck,
360
00:26:43,949 --> 00:26:46,816
till your natural defences combat the virus.
361
00:26:46,986 --> 00:26:49,819
Sexual magnetism!
362
00:26:49,989 --> 00:26:53,891
- Are you gonna use it?
- Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am!
363
00:26:54,060 --> 00:26:56,688
A tiny swigette to see if it works.
364
00:26:56,862 --> 00:26:58,853
Well, bottoms up.
365
00:27:00,766 --> 00:27:04,167
Then bottoms down,
and hopefully, bottoms up again!
366
00:27:13,312 --> 00:27:15,303
(ALL) Hi there!
367
00:27:17,249 --> 00:27:18,739
Ladies?
368
00:27:18,918 --> 00:27:20,909
Hi, Arnold.
369
00:27:21,087 --> 00:27:23,681
The world loves a bastard!
370
00:27:30,629 --> 00:27:33,860
(SONG) It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere
371
00:27:34,033 --> 00:27:37,332
I'm all alone, more or less
372
00:27:37,503 --> 00:27:40,700
Let me fly far away from here
373
00:27:40,873 --> 00:27:43,501
Fun, fun, fun
374
00:27:43,676 --> 00:27:47,339
In the sun, sun, sun
375
00:27:47,513 --> 00:27:50,778
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
376
00:27:50,950 --> 00:27:53,976
Drinking fresh mango juice
377
00:27:54,153 --> 00:27:57,486
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
378
00:27:57,656 --> 00:28:00,352
Fun, fun, fun
379
00:28:00,526 --> 00:28:03,984
In the sun, sun, sun
380
00:28:04,163 --> 00:28:06,996
Fun, fun, fun
381
00:28:07,166 --> 00:28:11,660
In the sun, sun, sun
32629
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