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1
00:00:05,463 --> 00:00:07,215
-I know phone booths
are hard to come by,
2
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:08,717
but that doesn't make it okay
for you
3
00:00:08,758 --> 00:00:11,386
to take your pants off
in a Verizon store.
4
00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:15,181
$700 and time served.
5
00:00:15,223 --> 00:00:16,850
Ugh! Comic-Con.
6
00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:20,520
Please say the next case
is a good old public urination.
7
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,355
-Does it count
as public urination
8
00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:25,358
if the person doing it
thinks they're invisible?
9
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,694
-Oh. How embarrassing.
We're wearing the same thing.
10
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:31,114
Except you went to law school
and I stole mine from Dry Bar!
11
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:35,076
-Heather, so glad you're here!
Take five, everybody.
12
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,953
-Get over here, you!
13
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,204
-Oh!
-Oh.
14
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,457
Okay, okay. Put me down.
15
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,336
Everybody, this is Heather.
She's my oldest friend.
16
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,756
We met on the first day
of kindergarten. She was 10.
17
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,967
-I've wanted to visit Abby
since she moved here.
18
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:54,888
I'm dyingto try New York's
famous Nashville hot chicken.
19
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:58,266
-Always a pleasure meeting
people from Abby's hometown.
20
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,643
You're all
so annoyingly outgoing.
21
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,521
And possibly inbred.
22
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:08,026
-Ooh! And check you out,
Miss Big Time Blazer.
23
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,403
I bet you watch the news.
24
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:13,239
-I bet you've been onthe news.
25
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:16,159
-I have.
I fell in a gorilla pit.
26
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:19,746
-Oh, my God!
You were Baby Heather!
27
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,164
You still look the same.
28
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:24,417
-That's because a lot of these
are still baby teeth.
29
00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:27,462
-We should get back to work.
I'll get you the keys
30
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,089
so you can drop your stuff off
at my place.
31
00:01:29,130 --> 00:01:30,465
-No need. I'm good.
32
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:34,427
They let you in anywhere
if you say you smell gas.
33
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,721
That's my friend Heather.
34
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:39,099
Isn't she fun?
35
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:41,267
-Oh, my God. You hate her.
36
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,271
-What?! No!
We've been friends forever!
37
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,357
She gave me
my very first piercing...
38
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:50,985
which led to
my secondtetanus shot.
39
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:54,489
-No. You hate her.
40
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:58,451
The lifeless laugh,
the fake, phony "fun."
41
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:00,120
-That wasn't fake or phony.
42
00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:01,913
-Ah. Ice cream.
-Fun!
43
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,081
-Puppies.
-Fun!
44
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,124
-Heather.
45
00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:06,084
-Fun.
46
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,253
-You dohate her!
47
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,339
Fun!
48
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,093
-See, when hesays it,
I believe it.
49
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:21,766
**
50
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,981
-This is nonsense.
51
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,524
-I don't know, Dan.
52
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:32,652
You think you'd be a hot catch
with these lady nerds.
53
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,821
You look like a rich wizard.
54
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:39,409
-What kind of stunted man-child
goes in for this kind of stuff?
55
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:47,709
-One who's seen the world
for what it really is.
56
00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:51,254
Morpheus. From "The Matrix."
57
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,007
-Good God. You're one of them.
58
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,342
I mean, that's surprising.
59
00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:58,303
You present as a person
who's had sex.
60
00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,181
-If you don't think
these people are having sex,
61
00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:02,932
you don't know Comic-Con.
62
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:06,394
For five days, the horniest
indoor kids in the galaxy
63
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,855
gathered to dress up
and bed down.
64
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:12,233
And since this is my first Con
since the divorce,
65
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:16,321
I'm ready to show all the ladies
we're living in a...stimulation.
66
00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,408
-I wish we werein the Matrix.
67
00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:23,411
Learning kung fu
is taking forever.
68
00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:26,289
-Oh, God. Oh, my God. Hide me.
It's Julianne.
69
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,540
It's Julianne!
70
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:28,917
-You know
I don't know who that is.
71
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,669
I just started working here.
72
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,462
-It's a woman Dan prosecuted
back in the day
73
00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,130
and showed up last year
for revenge.
74
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,299
-But I thwarted her efforts
to destroy my life
75
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,093
when she saw how sad it was.
76
00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:41,471
-Hey. You'll find love someday.
I mean, look at me.
77
00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,056
I bounced back
after my dalliance
78
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:44,182
with Christopher Meloni.
79
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,558
-You dated Christopher Meloni?
80
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,561
-Our connection
was deeper than that.
81
00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:50,188
He shadowed me
for his greatest role.
82
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,650
I assume you're familiar
with "Bailiff: The Musical"?
83
00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:56,027
The nudity was my idea.
84
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:58,154
-Shut up. Shut up. Where did
she go? Where's Julianne?
85
00:03:58,196 --> 00:03:59,823
Dan Fielding.
86
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,119
Well. Hi, Julianne.
87
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,664
What brings you here? Hopefully
through a metal detector.
88
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:10,041
-I'm just visiting
the new man in my life.
89
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,710
He's very attentive.
90
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,753
You know, constant check-ins,
wants to know where I'm going,
91
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:17,590
who I'm seeing...
what's in my urine.
92
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,092
-So he's your parole officer?
93
00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:21,678
-Ah, it's too soon
to put a label on it.
94
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,222
-Ah. And how good is he
at monitoring your access
95
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,934
to things that might --
what's the word -- explode me?
96
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:31,146
-Dan, you have nothing
to worry about.
97
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,522
I mean, where is the fun
98
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:35,483
in ruining a life
that's already in shambles?
99
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:36,901
-You have some nerve.
100
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:40,071
I'll have you know
this man's life is robust.
101
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,490
He was a judge
in his beloved New Orleans,
102
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,034
and he happens
to be best friends
103
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,910
with someone
who was the inspiration
104
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:49,664
for one of Christopher Meloni's
greatest Broadway triumphs!
105
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,626
-Well, Dan!
106
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:56,296
I'm glad to hear
you're doing so well.
107
00:04:56,338 --> 00:05:00,800
Now maybe we canhave some fun
together after all.
108
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,973
-You know, she could be
laughing at something else.
109
00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,683
-Oh. Where are my manners?
110
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:12,020
Julianne.
I'm gonna ruin Dan's life.
111
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,733
And...selfie!
112
00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,943
-You know, you don't have to
say "selfie" every time.
113
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,821
-So what do you two country mice
got planned for the big city?
114
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,656
-Who knows?
When Heather's around,
115
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,033
it's always an adventure.
116
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,826
One minute, we're getting
cupcakes, the next,
117
00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,703
we're at an underground club
called "Oontz."
118
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,747
-It's named after the song.
You know the one?
119
00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,165
* Oontz, Oontz, Oontz, Oontz *
120
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:35,502
-Yeah. She knows the song.
She knows the song.
121
00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:37,295
-You went
to an underground club?
122
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,089
You ask them
to turn down the music
123
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:42,133
and crank up the lights
at Outback.
124
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,844
-No one could hear
my Crocodile Dundee impression.
125
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,721
-Aww! Do it!
126
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,515
That's not a knife!
127
00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,308
-Isn't that bad?
128
00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:53,728
- See?
- That's why Heather's the best.
129
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,689
She tells it like it is
and really pushes me
130
00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,190
out of my comfort zone.
131
00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:59,067
I lovethat about her.
132
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:03,697
-Then you are gonna love
what I have planned for tonight.
133
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:06,950
I'm gonna take you
on a midnight helicopter tour
134
00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:08,535
of Manhattan.
135
00:06:08,576 --> 00:06:13,415
And I got a deal because the
helicopter doesn't have lights!
136
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,125
I'll text the "pilot."
137
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,584
-Why are you using air quotes?
138
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,586
-Cause he's in the air.
139
00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,383
-Why are you putting up
with this person
140
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,801
you have nothing in common with?
141
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,387
-You call 30 years of friendship
nothing in common?
142
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:29,055
You know,
if it wasn't for Heather,
143
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,391
I never would have tried
Wild Cherry Pepsi.
144
00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:32,851
And thanks to those
Pepsi points,
145
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,061
I got to meet Ray Charles.
146
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,896
-Okay. Well, have fun.
147
00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,481
It's a good thing
you two are so close,
148
00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:40,608
since you'll be sharing an urn
when they can't figure out
149
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,485
how to separate your ashes.
150
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,117
-So, how was your
helicopter trip with Heather?
151
00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:51,703
-Had its moments!!
152
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,538
Nothing makes you
appreciate the ground
153
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,041
like plummeting towards it!!
154
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,501
-You know you're not on
the helicopter anymore, right?
155
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:02,255
-In a lot of ways,
I'll always be on it.
156
00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:05,175
But all in all, it was fun.
157
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:07,385
-There it is again.
That fake, phony "fun."
158
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,054
The fakest, phoniest "fun" yet.
159
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,848
-Okay! You're right!
I admit it! I don't like her!
160
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,519
This friendship should
have ended a long time ago.
161
00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,480
I guess now
I have to go tell someone
162
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,148
that I've known
for three decades,
163
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:23,318
"Well, oops.
Turns out you've always sucked."
164
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,487
-Wait. You're --
You're just gonna tell her?
165
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:28,990
Like, with your mouth? That's
sick, you sicko! Just ghost her.
166
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,700
-And just never
talk to her again?
167
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,494
Wait. Are people doing this
all the time?
168
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:33,995
-I don't know. Ask 'em.
169
00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:36,748
If they don't respond,
then, yeah, they're doing it.
170
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,043
-Hey, "Scabs"!
-Heh-heh.
171
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:42,671
Look at you,
dusting off the old nicknames.
172
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:45,507
-She had eczema. She wore
a turtleneck all summer.
173
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:49,928
Then I came up with the name
"Scabs," and everyone laughed.
174
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,846
So, uh, you think you're gonna
175
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:54,849
leave first thing tomorrow to
get a jump on the traffic or...?
176
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,977
-Actually...
Excuse me.
177
00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:00,939
There's something I needed
to talk to you about.
178
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,024
Last night,
when you were clinging to me
179
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:06,695
in that helicopter,
I realized something.
180
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:08,571
I miss this.
181
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:12,325
My boyfriend, Ronald,
doesn't get me.
182
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:15,787
He says I dream too big
and snore too wet.
183
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:22,335
So I'm breaking up with him
and moving in with you! Yay!
184
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:24,504
-Yee-hee-hee!
185
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,923
I don't know what to say.
186
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,928
-Because it's hard to say
all the curse words at once?
187
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,264
-Ooh! Batman!
I'm gonna go talk to him.
188
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:37,100
I heard he's rich
and a big ol' freak.
189
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,061
-So, it says here
you were charged
190
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:43,148
with sneaking into Comic-Con
without a ticket.
191
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,735
-Not me. Him.
192
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,111
-Back here.
193
00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:51,781
-You guys must have
a close relationship.
194
00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,992
What's your secret?
-The important thing
195
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,411
is knowing
what you're getting into.
196
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,246
-You said it, brother.
197
00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,582
15 Comic-Cons ago,
I agreed to this costume.
198
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:04,878
Haven't looked back. Or forward.
It's best to just look down.
199
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,797
-I have to say --
it's nice to see two friends
200
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,674
that are totally in sync.
201
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,509
But, still,
one of you is trespassing.
202
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,262
So, next time, cover your ass.
203
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,810
-No! My sitter
for Comic-Con just bailed!
204
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:24,564
Gurgs...
205
00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:27,108
is there any way you'd babysit?
206
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,819
You can't afford me.
207
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,656
Why not just bring the girls
to Comic-Con? They'll love it.
208
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:34,949
-Of course they will. It's --
209
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,618
It's all their fantasies
come to life.
210
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:40,580
But I'm trying to make
myfantasies come to life.
211
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:43,708
-Okay, everyone. Stay cool.
212
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:46,878
Not you. That ship has sailed.
213
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,839
Julianne is back.
Catwoman. Second row.
214
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,761
-Hm. She looks different with
a bunch of cats on her.
215
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,306
-Not her. Her!
216
00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:03,269
-Ooh! That is a quality
straitjacket.
217
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:06,022
Ah! The prisons never
let me keep mine.
218
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,362
-Julianne is not gonna
make a move in here.
219
00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:14,155
This place is crawling
with police officers
220
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:17,992
and a...bunch of other things
she should be scared of.
221
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,161
-So as long as you never
leave this room, you're safe.
222
00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:22,580
-Oh, right. There's only
one problem with that.
223
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,290
I hatethis room.
224
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,961
-I have a better idea.
225
00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,797
-This may be
some of my finest work.
226
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,052
-Something about this
feels familiar.
227
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,809
-I'm not gonna lie, Dan.
228
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,978
This might be the best
you've ever looked.
229
00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:46,813
-You know,
from the right angle.
230
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:49,232
I want to kick my ownass.
231
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,026
-Now to really sell it,
remember --
232
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:54,404
Klingons are a prideful,
ruthless, humorless species.
233
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:57,949
So you might want to...
not change a thing.
234
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,624
-I don't want to scare you
out of moving here,
235
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,836
but I just want you to know what
you're getting yourself into.
236
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:12,130
Like, did you know
that crime is really up?!
237
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,924
-Good thing your new roomie
knows parkour.
238
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,926
If we get attacked
in a construction site,
239
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:19,971
things are gonna look real cool
real fast.
240
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,016
-Also, it's really
expensive here.
241
00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,393
-That's where my money-saving
tips come in.
242
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,188
You are throwing away good money
on toothpaste.
243
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,106
Anything foamy is fine!
244
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:34,944
Oh, my God. I just realized.
You don't want me to move here.
245
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:38,114
-Ohh...
-You needme to move here.
246
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,993
-Wow. What a roller-coaster
ride your brain must be.
247
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,745
Oop. Sorry.
248
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:46,790
I got to take this.
It's my ex-boyfriend's mom.
249
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,291
Connie, you were wrong.
250
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:51,336
I just talked to Scabs,
and she loves the idea!
251
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,425
-Hey! Whatcha doin'?
252
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,010
-How long have you
been out there?
253
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,471
-Oh, definitely longer
than you wish I was.
254
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:04,224
You're not gonna scare her off.
You're too nice.
255
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,892
I saw you reconstruct
a spider web.
256
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:08,186
-How would you like it
if youcame home from work
257
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,897
and yourhouse was destroyed?
258
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,440
-Just leave this to me.
259
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,859
Who's ready to get wild
in the Windy City?
260
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,277
-That's Chicago.
261
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,698
-Ugh. Climate change.
Ever heard of it? Egh.
262
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:23,326
-Ah, wish we could, but Scabs
and I are stuck at work.
263
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:27,205
But if you really want to get
wild, go where the locals go.
264
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,998
Port Authority bus terminal.
-Ooh!
265
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,542
-It's like a rave mixed
with a prison riot,
266
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,837
a fight club,
and surprisingly good pretzels.
267
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,631
-I'm in.
See ya later, Super Mario.
268
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:40,093
Another fun nickname
I gave her in high school.
269
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:42,887
-"Super Mario" Overalls?
-No.
270
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,014
-Red hat?
-No.
271
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,016
-Mustache?
-Yep.
272
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:50,020
-What's your plan for human?
Meat or pets?
273
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:51,604
Hold it right there!
274
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:55,734
-No!
275
00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:59,738
Um, hello.
For the very first time.
276
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,533
-Sorry. Y-You go ahead.
I'm just waiting for this guy
277
00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:06,327
that I'm gonna
psychologically destroy.
278
00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:08,830
-Ah.
279
00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,498
Just out of curiosity...
280
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,085
What do you plan on doing
281
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,713
to this unfortunate,
but I'm going to assume
282
00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:19,090
devastatingly handsome fellow?
283
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,593
-Oh, I like to
stick to the classics.
284
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,470
Arson. Identity theft.
285
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:26,431
Framing him for a
multimillion-dollar art heist.
286
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,266
Ah, when the real heist
287
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,935
is what those guys get paid
for their art, right?
288
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,395
I mean, congratulations.
289
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,564
You took a lovely piece
of marble for a statue
290
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,733
that could have been
a great countertop.
291
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,361
-Yeah. Funny.
I hate art, too.
292
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,614
But I never say anything
because it makes me sound crazy.
293
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:47,660
-I don't think you're crazy.
Art is dumb.
294
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:48,912
-Julianne.
295
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:51,456
-Oh. They call me...Maltz.
296
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,043
She had no idea who I was.
297
00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:57,170
Our eyes met. Our hands touched.
298
00:13:57,212 --> 00:14:00,215
Our blood stayed
inside our bodies.
299
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,008
You know,
Julianne is quite lovely
300
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,219
when she's not hell-bent
on...revenge.
301
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,805
-Just be careful, Dan.
I don't want you to end up
302
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,265
head over heels --
in the trunk of her Buick.
303
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,685
-No. That's just the thing.
304
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:14,604
For one glorious moment,
the room faded away
305
00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:17,732
and we were just a Klingon
and a Catwoman,
306
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,193
as God intended.
307
00:14:20,235 --> 00:14:22,445
-Well, my Comic-Con is screwed.
308
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:24,489
I couldn't find a sitter,
so now I have to bring my kids
309
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:28,201
because I care about
their safety, like an idiot.
310
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:29,911
-Well, at least
you still get to go.
311
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,496
Yeah. Wearing this.
312
00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:35,750
I'm no longer Morpheus,
313
00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:38,003
keeper of all the secrets
of the Matrix.
314
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:41,423
I'm Rocky,
the worst "PAW Patrol" dog...
315
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:45,677
...whose power is garbage truck.
316
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,222
-Well, some of us have costumes
that women think are cool,
317
00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:52,684
so could we --
Woop-woop woop-woop woop woop.
318
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,437
-Haven't heard from Heather.
That's a good thing, right?
319
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:57,856
Maybe she caught a bus
to Nashville to try
320
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,108
their famous Philly cheesesteak?
321
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,778
-Or...Wyatt's gonna say this.
322
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,031
-The People vs. Heather Baskets.
323
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:13,288
-Oh, noice! Abby's my judge!
324
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:16,124
-Two bailiffs? That means
she's Double Dangerous,
325
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:18,710
which was Christopher
Meloni's big number
in "Bailiff: The Musical."
326
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,052
-The defendant is charged
with illegal gambling
327
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:32,057
and inciting a riot that led
to a bus being lit on fire.
328
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:36,019
-A riot anda bus fire?
You were gone for an hour.
329
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:40,857
-Your Honor, this wide-eyed
innocent was lured to New York
330
00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,233
by a so-called friend
331
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:45,737
who then abandoned her
in her time of need.
332
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,365
-Do you even know
what you're talking about?
333
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,408
-Eh, kind of winging it.
334
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,243
-Can we just stick
to the facts, please?
335
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,871
-Miss Baskets started
a sidewalk casino,
336
00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:58,166
but it was with
the best of intentions.
337
00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,502
-A bus headed to Atlantic City
broke down.
338
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,921
They wanted to gamble.
I took some bets.
339
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:07,133
Then they wanted to get paid.
Who would have seen thatcoming?
340
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,428
-I don't know. Anyone?!
341
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,223
-Hold on.
Are you mad at me, Scabs?
342
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,516
-It's JudgeScab --
343
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:16,976
Judge Stone --
when you're in my court.
344
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:19,437
-Okay, Dad!
345
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,440
Uh, P.S. -- none of this
is even my fault.
346
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:26,027
-So you did nothing to cause
an 80-year-old woman
347
00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:27,821
to throw a lit cigar at a bus?
348
00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:30,240
-For the record, the cigar
was thrown into a garbage can,
349
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:32,158
and then the garbage can
was thrown at the bus.
350
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,286
-Yeah, Abby.
-Not on your side.
351
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,288
-This is just like that time
in third grade
352
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,998
when you got all mad at me
'cause I told you
353
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,335
the only way to win at dodgeball
was to catch it with your mouth.
354
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:45,380
-I got athlete's mouth
because of you!
355
00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,508
And a lot has changed
since then.
356
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:50,844
For instance, I'm a judge
and you're a criminal.
357
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:52,470
-Alleged!
358
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,473
Although that seems
beside the point now.
359
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,851
-I know that what I did
wasn't technically legal,
360
00:16:57,892 --> 00:17:00,895
but I was pushing boundaries --
like I do with you.
361
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,481
It's why we're friends,
and you love that about me.
362
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:06,693
-I don'tlove that about you.
I don't even like you!
363
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:11,322
-But I'm Baby Heather!
364
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:16,494
-Your Honor, in light of
this contentious discourse,
365
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:20,790
I'm wondering if maybe you would
consider recusing yourself.
366
00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,208
-Oh, ya think?!
367
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,756
So, looks like the trial
is gonna be tomorrow.
368
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,341
Don't worry. You're in front
of Judge Mulaney.
369
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,717
He's a horrible misogynist,
370
00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:33,678
but he believes women
can't commit crimes.
371
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,513
-Do judges always come down here
372
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,641
to personally deliver news
to alleged criminals?
373
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:41,019
Or were you coming
to say you're sorry?
374
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:44,356
-I am not, but I do wish
the truth came out differently.
375
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,524
Not in an open court
and not at the volume
376
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,943
I reserve for yelling, "Encore!"
at the Rockefeller Center
377
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,528
Christmas tree lighting.
378
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,656
-I've been thinking. City
living might not be for me.
379
00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:56,034
You would not believe
what I just paid this guy
380
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,745
for dru-u-u-umsticks.
381
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:03,625
-I don't see any drumsticks.
-I did them all.
382
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:08,171
-Heather, you're gonna have
a lot of fun in your life,
383
00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:10,924
and I can't wait
to not be involved.
384
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,467
-Well, B.T. Dubs...
385
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,886
you really let me have it
in front of your work friends.
386
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:18,431
Guess old Heather got you out
of your comfort zone after all.
387
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,809
You're welcome, Scabs.
388
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:23,061
-Well, let's get you
back in there.
389
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,521
-Alright.
390
00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:28,233
-So, uh, how about
we put on a sorting hat
391
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:31,611
and see what house we're
going back to -- yours or mine.
392
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:36,282
That would have worked
if I was dressed as Morpheus!
393
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:44,124
-Okay, Wyatt.
I'm coming to Comic-Con.
394
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:46,459
-Trinity! Nice!
395
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,503
-I'll take your kids
to the "PAW Patrol" panel
396
00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,296
while Morpheus
looks for "The One"...
397
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,007
who will have sex with him.
398
00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,552
But you got to make it back
before Chris Meloni
399
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:56,803
shows up to sign posters for
400
00:18:56,845 --> 00:18:58,596
"Bailiff: The Musical:
The Movie."
401
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,349
He and I have
unfinished business.
402
00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:04,602
-You know,
when I came here tonight,
403
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:08,148
the last thing I expected
was to find someone like you.
404
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,150
Oh, I'd love to see you again.
405
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,651
-Oh, I'd like that, too.
406
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:13,361
Maybe at a masquerade ball.
407
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:15,780
Or a year-round Halloween store.
408
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:19,743
Or -- Ooh! Immediately after
your cataract surgery.
409
00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:23,121
-Or maybe we don't wait.
You know, let's --
410
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,957
let's just get out of
these ridiculous costumes
411
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,292
and get into a bed.
412
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,002
I want to see allof you.
413
00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:32,005
-Oh, yes. Julianne. I want to --
I want to show you all of me.
414
00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:36,009
But there's something
y-you should know.
415
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,677
I'm hideous.
416
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,930
-I don't care about looks.
417
00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:44,642
I mean, take the guy that I came
here to destroy, for example.
418
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,062
You know, he's handsome.
Great dresser.
419
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:50,190
Your build and shoe size.
420
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,900
Same hands.
421
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,362
And when he's scared,
422
00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:57,530
he lets out this signature
little yelp.
423
00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:58,907
It's you!
424
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,117
-Yeah. Sorry.
Wait, wait. Please.
425
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:02,494
I didn't mean to trick you!
426
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,496
I just didn't want you
to murder me!
427
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:07,624
Then we started talking, and I
didn't want that to end either.
428
00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:09,668
So I just kept going,
and now you probably
429
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,836
want to revenge me
even more than you did before.
430
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:15,173
So whatever it is,
please just do it quick!
431
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:22,681
Am I dead?
432
00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:27,769
-I have feelings
that I-I can't explain.
433
00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:30,563
I-I don't want revenge anymore.
434
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,565
I don't want to play
cat-and-mouse
435
00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:34,651
with detectives
at the end of their rope
436
00:20:34,693 --> 00:20:37,070
or cut my parole officer's hair
while he's asleep
437
00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:40,490
so that he steadily goes bald
and never knows why.
438
00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:45,704
I only want...Dan.
439
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,956
-I don't know what to say.
440
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:51,710
T-There are no words in Klingon
for what I'm feeling.
441
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,421
I assume. I did no research.
442
00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:57,173
But I need to take it slow.
How about dinner next week?
443
00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:58,717
-Oh, next week is bad.
444
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:01,052
Um, how about
four to six months?
445
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:02,137
-What?
446
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:05,223
-Ugh!
This guy is obsessed with me.
447
00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:08,101
So, I burned an improv theater
to the ground.
448
00:21:08,143 --> 00:21:11,187
You know, any one of you
would have done the same thing!
449
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,524
Wait for me, Dan!
450
00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:16,484
And I'm not asking.
451
00:21:18,695 --> 00:21:20,864
-What just happened?
-Forget it, Maltz.
452
00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:22,449
-It's Comic-Con.
453
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:28,663
C-o-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!
454
00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:32,000
It's funny.
34949
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