All language subtitles for Breakfast On Pluto 2005 1080p WEB H264 - CBFM

♪ "Sugar Baby Love"

♪ Sugar baby love

♪ Sugar baby love

♪ I didn't mean to make you blue...

How about it, kitten?
What's the chance of a bit tonight?

Oh, why, yes. Of course, boys.
I'll leave the front door open

and you can all troop in
and give me a jab.

Not up to it, then.
You innocent, shovel-wielding,

horny-handed sons of the native sods.

Not many people are, munchkin.

Not many people
can take the tale of Patrick Braden,

AKA Saint Kitten,
who strutted the catwalks,

face lit by a halo of flashbulbs as,

"Ooh," she shrieked, "I told you,
from my best side, darlings."

'I was born, you see, munchkin, in
a small town near the Irish border.'

'I was left in a basket
on a certain doorstep

and only the robins knew why.'

'Oh, but then they knew
everybody's business.'

'Those red-breasted busybodies!'

'Every secret behind every
lace-curtain window.'

♪ Sugar baby love

♪ I didn't mean to make you blue

♪ Sugar baby love

♪ Sugar baby love...

♪ People

♪ Take my advice

♪ If you love someone

♪ Don't think twice

♪ Love your baby love...

♪ Love her, anyway

♪ Love her every day... ♪

Robins. Would you believe it,
Father? Pecking at the cream.

I suppose it's Christmas morning,
after all.

Is your breakfast alright?

Well, I'll get ready for mass, so.
God bless.

God bless.

He hasn't been himself lately, sure.

Just the job - Cutex Coral Pink.

"Ooh, will have the love seat?"
The love seat? Why not?

"Mmm. Mr Lovejoy
will see you in a moment."

"He's congratulating
one of our happy couples."

"Perhaps you'd like a glass of
champers?" Now you're talking.

"A piece of wedding cake?"

Me good shoes! You little brat!

Teach him not to ever do that again!
He'll make a disgrace of us!

Well, you'll not!
Do you have to?

I'll march you up the street in
front of the whole town! Promise?

Hit him with it, Ma!
Give him the brush again!

Say, "I am not a girl."
I'm not a girl. I am a boy!

I'm a boy not a girl.
Make him say it right, Ma!

My heart broke from the cursed day
I ever took you in!

Brother Barnabas says he'll try you
on the football team. Read this.

..and I call my mother names.
Well, you shouldn't do that, my son.

What do you call her?
"Hairy arse."

"Hairy arse" and "Bockety hole."

And "Cunt hooks."

Stay where you are!
You must not proceed! Jesus!

If you curse, you'll be
exterminated. Holy fuck!

You've been warned, you fiend!
Now you must die! No, Danny! Please!

Sausages! Stay where you are!
Of course! Please don't shoot!

Boom, boom ,boom!

Boys, come on! Come on!
I'm busy! I'm busy!

Pow!

Oh, figglyboogers, I'm dead!

Died for Ireland?
I'm sorry, but it appears to me

that someone here has taken leave
of their senses.

Dying for Ireland's ugly.
Stay where you are.

Oh, come on, Englishman.
How about it, please?

And next up is the dashing Felix,
sporting a smoking jacket,

fedora hat and sunglasses by Gucci.
Madam.

The man himself!

Your mother is back in a while.

So, how's Patrick
and the Braden household?

They're well, Mr Feely, especially
my mother, wherever she is.

So, someone's told you something,
Patrick?

They don't have to. Hairy-arse Braden
tells me every day.

Ah, Patrick, now.
I'm sorry, Mr Feely.

You know, I saw her once,
your real mother,

long after the day she left.

It was in London.

I was doing work for
Jeanie McQuilan.

I was going home through Piccadilly.
There passing by was my Eily Bergin.

Lovely as the day she left,
I swear to God.

Did you talk to her, Mr Feely?
What did she say?

I shouted after her, Patrick,
but she didn't hear.

London swallowed her up.

The most beautiful girl in the town.

The biggest city in the world
swallowed my mother up.

What about my father, Mr Feely?
Ah, I wouldn't know about that.

Things are a bit complicated,
you know?

What did she look like?

Mitzi Gaynor, son.

That's who she looked like. Mitzi.

Mitzi Gaynor.

Well, fuck me pink
with a hairy arse!

In the name of the Father and
the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

You see, once upon a time,

there was a young girl
named Eily Bergin,...

..who looked not unlike the
well-known film star, Mitzi Gaynor,

who sang I'm Gonna Wash That Man
Right Out Of My Hair.

She went to London, the biggest city
in the world, which swallowed her up.

But before she vanished,

I think she worked
as a priest's housekeeper, Father.

But I could be wrong, couldn't I?

I mean, I could be wrong.
After all, I -

All I wanted was her address.

..the climate is always the same.

The landscape never changes.
In a country like this,

you can stop along any road for
a moment and look at a farmhouse

sitting in the middle
of maize and hemp

and immediately, a story is born.

And when you're writing
your essay this morning,

whatever form it takes is up to you.

I can be called,...
I Fought In The Easter Rising,...

..I Was Dracula's Girlfriend,

or even A Day In The Life
Of An Auld Bull.

You've got one hour,
so let us write.

"Ach, God bless us."

"It's yourself."

Ach, God bless us. It's yourself.
It is indeed, Father.

"Remarked r-r-r-randy,

Father Liam,

as he opened the door

to a young woman

who bore a startling resemblance
to Mitzi Gaynor."

So, you're the replacement for
Mrs Meglin? I am, indeed, Father.

Destroyed with the lumbago, she is.
She'll be back on her feet soon,

please God.
Ah, please God she will not.

But tell me this,
have I begun to dote

or do you remind me
of someone special?

"When she sensed a movement

underneath
his black serge trousers..."

Oh, Father, please. How could I?

And I've gone out of my way
knowing that your dickie doodle,

naughty poopster that he is,
given the slightest encouragement,

will be only too eager to get up to
mischief... Down! Naughty dickie!

..to camouflage myself and
look like any ordinary drudge.

"I'm most definitely not

a perfumed spring vision
of Mitzi Gaynor

with a head of bubble-cut curls

that would make
any man's privates go... Sproom!

I've got the standard uniform,
Father. The blue coat with the bow.

The tan stockings.
Colour - stale tea.

The auld hair net
which says to those Mickeys

whose duty it is to wear
black serge, "No Mickeys today!"

Down, boys!
Off with you and say your prayers.

Breakfast, Father?
By God, now you're talking.

"..and no matter
how much you tell him,

he simply won't stay down."

"But drab old house coats
and tea-coloured stockings

might well have kept him down

if it wasn't
for that pesky spot of grease."

Oh, this is powerful altogether!

I would do jail for another rasher,
do you know that, Eily?

I'll fry you some more
this minute then, Father.

Mmm. Did you hear the one about
peanuts at confession?

No, Father. I don't think so.
Says the priest to the young fella,

"Did you throw peanuts
in the river?"

The young lad says,
"No, Father, I am Peanuts."

"Not a very funny joke
but she laughed and she laughed."

"In fact, you could say
she laughed until she cried."

Oops. My skirt and house coat
are riding up.

I'll have to abort this task
or we could have a clergyman

filling the air
with pent-up sexual energy! No!

Priest grows wings
in latest miracle! Eily!

"When she found herself
enveloped by her skirts."

Father, is this another joke?

Ow! That hurts, Father!

Frank Sinatra wouldn't do this,
Father! Neither would Vic Damone!

Oh, I'm all wet, Father!

What are you doing down there,
Father?

Are you playing Squidge
with the Fairy Liquid?

"But she was soon to realise

it wasn't Fairy Liquid
he'd been playing with down there."

"The... end."

'No.'

'It wasn't Fairy liquid, at all.'

When I said develop
your literary skills,

I did not,... did not mean this...

Why did you write it?
I thought there was a moral, sir,

a lesson, if you will.
Young girls in mortal danger -

Get out of this classroom!
To the Dean's office!

Hello, class. My name's Miss Kitten.

I'd like to tell you about the perils
of being a priest's housekeeper,

especially when you look like
Mitzi Gaynor.

Hands up if you can tell me
who Mitzi Gaynor is.

So, you see, Patrick,
we're on your side.

We're here to help you. I don't
think you understand that. No, I do.

So, if you can think of anything
that would help us to help you...

Well,... there is one thing, Father.

Instead of PE, I could take
Home Economics and Needlework class.

And you think that would help you
knuckle down and apply yourself?

What's that, Patrick?
Oh, you can call me Kitten, Father.

Kitten?
Yes. Patrick Kitten Braden,

after Saint Kitten.

Er, there was no "Saint Kitten",
Patrick.

Oh, but there was a Saint Caellainn,
Father,

and some have been known to call him,
or was it a her, Kitten.

Saint Kitten?
Mmm-hmm.

He or she was
an acolyte of Saint Patrick.

Wore a dress,
as did Saint Patrick, actually.

A halo dress. It would quite
ruin your complexion.

And they're for your sister,
Patrick? Mmm-hmm.

She really needs a bit of glamour
in her life, Mrs Coyle.

But then again,... don't we all?

"The trouble broke out
as the Minister of State

for Northern Ireland was
visiting Derry to see businessmen

for the second time inside a month."

Oh, Jesus, Mammy, I'm exhausted!

At least you have a job,

which is more than that waster
yonder is ever likely to have.

One more complaint from that school
and it'll not be good for you.

Oh, Mammy?

Do you have the price of the dance
and a cup of coffee?

The price of a dance
and a cup of coffee?!

The price of a dance
AND a cup of coffee?!

And do you think
I'm made of money, eh, eh?

Eh, eh? Why don't you
just hand over the cash?

Will you just fork out the money and
stop blathering, you fucking crow.

Here. And don't ask me again.

Oh, thank you so much, Mammy.
Thank you so much.

♪ "Good Looking Woman" - Joe Dolan

♪ When God created a woman for me

♪ He must have been
in a beautiful mood

♪ To show the world
what a woman could be

♪ When he created a woman like you...

♪ He made the sun shine
right out of your eyes

♪ And he made the moon glow
all over your hair

♪ He put a soft, summer breeze
in your sighs

♪ So you could breath summer
into the air...

No. No, no, no, no, no.
Why not?

I'm not obliged to give you reasons
but I'll give you two - him and her.

We don't have to stand for this,
Paddy? "Paddy?" That's reason three.

Did you ever ride a man, Mickey?
No, but I know a man that did!

Fuck youse!
Evening.

Mikey, go get the lads.

Now, now, lads!
I'm warning you, get out of here!

Fuck them! We'll go to the glen!

Excuse me. Ahem. Can we have a lift?

Huh?!

Get on.

Moving out.

♪ Do you know what
they had forgotten to do

♪ Up there where they make
all those heavenly things

♪ They made an angel as lovely as you

♪ But they'd forgotten
to fit you with wings ♪

Druids, man.
They're like the Border Knights -

knew all about
the space-time continuum.

No. Laurence! No. Excuse me. Please.
Open his eyes.

What do you see, bro?
Sausages.

No stars?
Stars and sausages.

Now you're talking. We gotta get
behind the surface. S-Surface?

I see four green fields.

Brits in one of them. Not for
fucking long. No politics, man.

Border Knights don't allow them.
Jams the astral highway.

So, why do you call yourself
the Border Knights?

Because the only border that matters

is the one between what's in front

and what you've left behind.

When I ride my hog,
do you think I'm riding the road?

No way, man. I'm travelling
from the past into the future

with a druid at my back.

Druid man or druid woman?
That doesn't matter.

What matters is the journey.

You know where it goes, baby?
Where?

♪ We'll visit the stars
and journey to Mars

♪ Finding our breakfast...
on Pluto ♪

Pluto?
Pluto.

Woof! Woof!
No, not Pluto the dog!

Pluto the planet!

Named by Percival Lowell
and William H Pickering

after the invisible
king of the underworld.

You think about that.

Woof! Woof!

Oh, kiss me, Joseph.
Kiss me, Joseph. I'm ready.

I'll beat the fucking -

Now, boys and girls,

a retreat is time
for prayer and reflection.

Some of you may have already noticed

that your bodies
are going through some changes.

And I would like you to feel free

to approach us about any problem
that concerns you.

So, I will leave this problem box
here by the altar rails.

No problem should be precluded.

After all, that is why we are here.

Now, remember last week...

You'll not bring
my retreat into disrepute!

How dare you?! How dare you?!
You're hurting me.

What did you write in your paper,
Patrick? Nothing.

Nothing. It was just, did he know
any place that does a sex change?

Disgraced! Disgraced in front
of the whole town, so we are!

Oh, Jesus! How could you do it,
Paddy? Mammy has a bad heart!

And now you've broken it!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Jesus Christ!

She's not my mammy.
What did you say?

I'm sorry, Cas.
I'm sorry, Mammy, wherever you are.

Oh. Stop it, Patrick, please.

Why don't you stop it and let us
get on with our lives?! Sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.
We've both been through this -

Get away!
Get your hands off me, you creature!

Oh, fiddlyboogers.

What's the point?

That's it.
I've tried my best. I'm off.

♪ You're breaking my heart
You're tearing it apart

♪ So, fuck you!

♪ All I wanna do
is have a good time...

Are youse going to Scotsfield? We're
playing there tonight. Get in.

♪ You wanna boogaloo
Run down to Tramps

♪ Have a dance or two
Ooh

♪ You're breaking my heart
You're tearing it apart

♪ So, fuck you!

♪ You're breaking my heart
You're tearing it apart... ♪

What do you think of this trouble
up north? It's an absolute terror.

Do you think so, yeah? A terror
to the living world, so it is.

I don't think you care either way,
my good-looking young friend.

No, I know how serious it is. They
think they can break us, don't they?

Hang Paddy from the ceiling,
fuck him from a helicopter,

give him a dose of white noise,

shove electrodes up his arse.
Now, really, Mr -

Hatchett.
They call me Billy Hatchett.

Pleased to meet you, Mr Hatchett.

You really don't know who I am,
do you?

I haven't had the pleasure.

Hear that, lads?

He's never heard of
Billy Hatchett and the Mohawks.

♪ Woomba, woomba, woomba...

♪ By the banks of the river

♪ Lived a sweet Indian maid

♪ Running bare little white dove

♪

♪ Hiawatha didn't bother too much

♪ About Minnie Ha-Ha
and her tender touch

♪ She took him to the silver stream

♪ Then she whispered words
like he'd never heard

♪ That made him all shiver inside

♪ When she said...

♪ Wig-wam bam
Gonna make you my man

♪ Wam bam bam
Gonna get you if I can

♪ Wig-wam bam
Gonna make you understand

♪ Try a little touch
Try a little too much

♪ Try a little wig-wam bam

♪ Running Bear never cared enough

♪ About Little White Dove
and her tender love

♪ Till she took him
to the silver stream

♪ She told him all about
what he couldn't live without

♪ And made him all weak inside

♪ When she said...

♪ Wig-wam bam
Gonna make you my man

♪ Wam bam bam
Gonna get you if I can

♪ Wig-wam bam
Wanna make you understand

♪ Try a little touch
Try a little too much

♪ Just try a little wig-wam bam ♪

So, have you somewhere
to stay tonight, Paddy?

Or should I call you... Patrick?

Hmm. You can call me Kitten, darling.

Kitten?
Mmm-hmm.

After Saint Caellainn.

He or she was an acolyte of Patrick,
Saint Patrick.

So, you have somewhere to stay then?

Mammy threw me out, I'm afraid.

Well, I could always, er,...
put you up in the van.

It's not much but...
Oh.

Mr Hatchett.

Thank you.

You're welcome, Kitten.

I'll be off to the hotel then,
Kitten. Meow.

I'd stay the night but the boys...

The boys might get the wrong idea.

No, I've gotta go.
No. Please don't go just yet.

Oh, Kitten.
I've gotta go, I really have.

Billy. Billy.

Bobby Goldsboro.

Used to help me get to sleep.

But his wife dies...

You see,
she dies when he's away from home.

Oh, Kitten. I've gotta go now.

Billy...
I really have.

If...
Huh?

If you were away with the band
and you came home

and you found me lying there...
like Bobby's wife...

What about it? Huh?

..would you take me to the hospital?
Of course I would.

Of course I would, Kitten.
Oh, I wish that could happen.

I've see it all, man. I tell you,
I've fucking well seen it all.

Where the fuck do you think he
disappeared to in San Francisco?

I would even bring you flowers.

Roses?
Roses.

Oh.

For I ask you, Billy Bob,
in the nicest manner,

what's an Indian band
without a squaw?

A squaw?

♪

♪ Young woman,
share your fire with me

♪ My heart is cold, my soul is free

♪ I am a stranger in your land

♪ A wandering man

♪ Call me Sandy

♪ Oh, sir, my fire is very small

♪ It will not warm thy heart, at all

♪ But thee may take me by the hand

♪ Hold me and I'll call thee Sand

♪ Young woman,
share your fire with me

♪ My heart is cold,
my soul is free

♪ I am a stranger in your land... ♪

Name, please.
Paddy Kitten. What's yours?

I can tell you're a Paddy, alright.

What about Geronimo?
What would I know?

I'm just a Mick.
13 of your lot shot in Derry.

What do know about that? Maybe you
know about 13 less to deal with.

Fuck off, mate.

Fuck off!

♪ Oh, sir, my fire is burning high

♪ If it should stop, sir, I would die

♪ A shooting star has crossed my land

♪ Wandering man... ♪

Get off!

Get off the fucking stage,
you stupid bitch!

Fuck off!

Patrick, I... I-I-I don't know
how to say this to you.

It's the boys, the boys in the band.

They feel the squaw
just isn't working out.

Oh. Could be they have a point.

Ah, they say it doesn't feel right.

I don't know.
They've been with me so long and...

I'm sorry.

But I have a little proposal.
Oh!

A ring, perhaps?
Oh, Patrick, Patrick. Sh.

Sh. I told you not to call me that.

I'm sorry, Kitten.

Don't be silly.

Would you bring me sweeties, too?
You know I would.

Oh, for the love of Jesus!

♪ "Me And Mrs Jones" - Billy Paul

♪ Me and Mrs Jones

♪ We've got a thing going on...

It was my mother's.
She left it to me in her will.

Nobody stays here and I need
somebody to look after it, Kitten.

What do you reckon?
Oh, house of dreams and longing!

I wouldn't exactly call it that,
but so what do you think?

Oh, to have a house, to own a house!

Ooh! So, Kitten, can I come
and visit you every now and again?

Of course you can, you great big
silly Bobby Goldsboro.

You don't even have to ask.

♪ Me and Mrs Jones

♪ Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones

♪ We've got a thing going on

♪ We both know that it's wrong

♪ But it's much too strong

♪ To let it go now...

Goodness gracious! Ikie-okie me.

♪ We gotta be extra careful

♪ That we don't build
our hopes up too high

♪ But she's got
her own obligations...♪

Huh?
What?

What's with Diana Ross?
Leave him be. He knows nothing.

Keep it that way.
No problem.

♪ "Fuck The British Army" -
Paddy's Irish Clan

If I volunteer, Irwin,
could I have pink glasses, please?

Can't you take anything serious?
Oh, serious, serious, serious.

You might have to soon enough.

So fucking what, Charlie?!
I sell a few fucking papers!

Big deal! What are you, my fucking
wife?! I don't believe your stories.

I'm involved in nothing!
I sell their paper!

For all the difference it makes.
Nobody gives a fuck! Soon they will.

If I find out you're lying
I'll finish with you, I swear!

Then finish it with me!
See if I fucking care!

Come on, get off the road.

Stay back.

Keep off the street! I want everyone
to move away from the red van!

It may be booby-trapped!
Come on, folks!

Gently.
Please move back!

Now, let the army through.
Get back now, get back.

Move back and clear the area!
Get away now! Get back now!

Get off the street now! Move! Move!
Clear this area for your own safety.

Ah, the Dalek!

No!
NO!

Exterminate, exterminate!

Exterminate, exterminate!

Dust thou art
and unto dust thou shalt return

until the Lord raises you up
on the last day.

Let us pray for our brother,
Laurence, to Jesus Christ,

who said, "I am the resurrection
and the life."

"The man who believes in me
will live even if he dies."

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,

thy kingdom come, thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day, our daily bread...

Serious, serious.... Time for
some serious spring cleaning.

Don't you know what this means? Do
you know what these guys are like?

Don't let this come between us,
Billy. SHUT UP!

Jesus, what the fuck am I gonna do?

Fucking Jesus! Tell them
I was spring cleaning, darling.

Where are they?!
Tell me! Where are they?!

What is this you mean, my darling?
You fucking whore! Where are they?!

The guns.
It's all too fucking serious!

All of a sudden, everyone's being
serious. Serious, serious, serious.

I'm not fucking joking, Patrick!
Where are they?! Call me Kitten!

You don't fucking know me.
You don't know where I've gone.

And if they fucking come,
you tell them nothing.

Whatever you say, darling. You're
way out of your league, Patrick.

You don't know
what you're dealing with.

Oh, I do. I know, alright.
I know you're only joking

about the roses
and the sweets too, probably.

But it was nice while it lasted.

♪ And it won't even show

♪ And no-one will know

♪ One little wave

♪ To say you'll behave ♪

Are you happy now? Are you happy
now you've got what you wanted,

now that they've bombed down here?
Are your Republican friends

good and happy now they can see
what they've done?

What the fuck are you talking about?

It had nothing
to do with Republicans.

What the fuck would they
bomb a southern town for, huh?

Can you hear me, Charlie?
If you want out, just say so.

Open the door!

I can't. Go away. Come back
in the morning. Open it, bitch!

Open the fucking door!
OK, OK, OK.

Where did he put them?!
I don't understand.

The guns!
Where did he put the guns?!

Oh, yes, the guns. Oh, he buried
them outside just to be safe. Go!

There's no fucking guns down here!

Oh, I think they might just be...
He's taking the lend out of us!

I'll lead him!
I swear to God, I'll lead him!

Say goodbye to my friends, will you?
Charlie lives in Sunbeam Heights

and Irwin's up the Banks. Irwin who?
Irwin Kerr.

How do you know Irwin Kerr?

Oh, nothing. Never mind.
Come on, then.

I've nothing left to live for
in this stupid serious world.

Oh, fuck him! He's not worth
a bullet, the mental nancy boy.

What is it with nancy boys,
you can't be bothered killing them?

I'm fucking warning you!
Are you on dope or what?

I wish that I was, Mr Killing Man.
Why, do you have any?

You're out of your league, sunshine.

Out of your league...

You're in over your head.
For heaven's sake!

Surely you've one bullet to spare
between youse! Ah, bollocks!

Where are we going?
You hit us, we hit you.

It's simple.
Right.

The bomb was made here
and driven across the border.

Bobbie Anderson
likes killing Catholics.

It'll be the last bomb he'll make.
Lights off. Keep it running.

Oh, Lord.

Get us the fuck out of here,
will ya?!

What's the smell?
He's wet himself!

He's not toilet trained?

Who do you think you are?
What the fuck do you think this is?!

Tell me you're not serious. There's
that word again. It's everywhere.

But you don't know a soul in London.
There's only one soul I need.

You really think you'll find her?
How many Eily Bergins can there be?

Maybe she's changed her name. She
won't have changed her eyes, Irwin.

How will you get by?

Saint Caellainn will guide me.

♪ Have you ever watched a moonbeam

♪ As it slid across your window pane?

♪ Or struggled with a bit of rain

♪ Or danced about the weather vane

♪ Or sat along a moving train

♪ And wondered
where the train has been

♪ Or on a fence

♪ With bits of crap around its bottom

♪ Blown there by a wind beam

♪ Who searches for the moonbeam

♪ Who was last seen

♪ Looking at the tracks
of the careless wind beam

♪ Moving to the tracks
of the tireless freight train... ♪

You come to the city
that never sleeps

and you think it's open all the time
but it does sleep. Excuse me?

Of course it does.
I'm looking for my mother, please.

Eily Bergin.

Just got two Bergins for 1956.

Bergin, Ellen, and Bergin
with a simple initial E.

Then, it has to be one of them.
One's from Aldgate

and the other's from east London.

Will you be going back home
after you're found her? Of course.

Maybe she'll come with me. Er, son,
will you promise me something?

Yes.
Take care of yourself.

Oh, I will, Mrs Anderson. Thank you.

♪ "Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep" -
Middle Of The Road

♪ Where's your momma gone?
♪ Where's your momma gone?

♪ Little baby gone
♪ Little baby gone

♪ Where's your momma gone?
♪ Where's your momma gone?

♪ Far, far away

♪ Where's your papa gone?
♪ Where's your papa gone?

♪ Little baby gone
♪ Little baby gone...

Nah, mate. They knocked
those houses down years ago.

♪ Far, far away

♪ Last night I heard my momma
singing this song

♪ Ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep

♪ Woke up this morning
and my momma was gone

♪ Ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep

♪ Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep chirp

♪ Where's your momma gone?
♪ Where's your momma gone?

♪ Little baby gone
♪ Little baby gone

♪ Where's your momma gone?
♪ Where's your momma gone?

♪ Far, far away

♪ Where's your papa gone?
♪ Where's your papa gone?

♪ Little baby gone
♪ Little baby gone ♪

Um...

There's a man inside!

About time, too.

Ahem! Are you here for the job, kid?

What-What job?
Oh, this is showbiz, kid!

Try that with Stevenson and you've
no fucking chance! Who's Stevenson?

He thinks he's in charge.
RAF bollocks! You're Irish. You are.

Out of Tyreelin, County Cavan.
Well, then, County Cavan,

give us the song
and you're home and dry.

♪ Underground, over ground
Wombling free

♪ The Wombles
of Wimbledon Common are we ♪

Come on. You have it. Now,
the dance. OK? OK. I'm going in.

Right. Hop, one.
Hop, two. Hop, one, two, three.

Tish, tish, tish.
Flap, flap, flap. OK?

Go on. Hop, one.
Hop, two. Hop, one, two, three.

Tush, tush, tush.
Flap, flap, flap. Are you ready?

Hop, one. Hop, two.
For fuck's sake, hop right!

Hop, one, two, three. Hop,
one. Hop, two. Hop, one, two, three.

Tush, tush, tush. Flap it out.

Sell it to me.

♪ Over ground, underground
Wombling free

♪ The Wombles of Wimbledon... ♪

Give him the drill, Bulgaria.

Enough already. You take
the croquet. Capiche? Capiche.

Every morning, nine o'clock.
Be there.

Bulgaria!
These are your responsibility.

You're Head Womble here.

Fuck!
Oh! Argh!

I'll give you RAF!
I broke no fucking mallet!

I broke no fucking mallet!
Put that down!

Uncle Bulgaria!

♪

"You broke the mallet," he says.
I broke no fucking mallet.

RAF bollocks!
That's the end of the line!

That's enough of that, John Joe.

Fuck off, motherfucker! You don't
know what you're dealing with here!

Wanna know what they used to say?
"He's out where buses don't run!"

You're out of your league here,
friend! No, not that again.

Show them where you stand. If they
fuck with you, you fuck with them.

You fuck them so bad
you make them wish

they'd never been born. Another
shot? I'll have a Babycham.

You got it, kemosabe.

Tommy, one Babycham, one Powers.
Please.

Two weeks's severance.
Fuck with John Joe Kenny,

that's one time
you've fucked too many.

He's from Cavan.

So, where's Cavan?
Next to Monaghan.

I'm going for a Womble. If you want
to come, give us a shout, right?

♪ Underground, over ground
Wombling free

♪ The Wombles of Wimbledon Common
are we ♪

I was a Womble, do you know that?

Hey, you can't sleep here, love.
Have you got a home to go to?

You can get a cab outside.

Oh, I do believe I have a small
elfin dwelling on Wimbledon Common.

Oi! If you're doing business,
do it somewhere else, love.

This pavement's got my name on it.
What, pray, is your name? Concrete?

My name is scratch your eyes out,
bite your nose off,

which is what I'll do
if you don't get off my patch!

Alright, lover?
Is she giving you trouble, son?

No trouble.
We were just exchanging names.

Go on, you fucking nancy boy!

Don't fucking come back!

Her name is Scratch Your Eyes Out
And Bite Your Bleedin' Nose Off.

And my name is
Patricia Kitten Braden.

Pleased to meet you,
Patricia Kitten Braden.

Just what were you doing back there?
I was looking for the Phantom Lady.

You've found the right street, then.
Why, what's it called?

Phantom Lady Street?
You could call it that.

And just who is this phantom lady?
Well, it's my mother, really.

I call her that
to pretend it's a story

that's happening to someone else.
Why do you pretend that?

Because otherwise
I might cry and never stop.

If you cried, I'd make you stop.

Oh, you would?
Oh, how kind, good sir.

Yes, I'd definitely make you stop.

And just what is it you do, then?
Oh, this and that.

Showbiz, kind of. Singing.

What do you like to sing about?

I sing about true love.

That's nice.

Have you ever found it?

Hmm. I thought I had... once.

Here's one about true love.

♪ "Feelings" - Albert Morris

Ever heard this one?
Nice, isn't it?

I just love love songs.

Take it off.

Don't you like it?
Take it off, there's a good lad.

As you wish, sir.

Now, isn't that more comfortable?
Yes, sir.

Of course it is,
my love-loving friend.

Here. Feel that.

Mmm...

Good old-fashioned silk.

Thank you.

It's beautiful.

You like it?
It's beautiful.

Lie here!

Argh!

Argh!

'But did true love save Kitten
from the hands of the beast

in the worst of all fairy tales? No.'

Argh! 'What saved Kitten
was her precious perfume spray

bought for 2.99 in Roches Stores
on Henry Street

before she left
her beloved Emerald Isle.'

Hello.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but are you alright, Miss?

Yes, fine, thank you.

Just tired after my hard day's work.

You've been sitting there
for four hours now.

Just busy at my desk.

Is it your desk?

Mmm-hmm.

Writing my little book.

Your little book?

What type of book?

It's, um...
It's a... mystery thriller, sir,

about a woman who disappears.

May I ask what it's called?

Yes.

It's called...
Footprints In The Custard.

Hmm.

No, I'm joking.
It doesn't have a name

because I don't know
what's gonna happen,

if the mystery's ever solved.

But the lady has a name.
Mmm-hmm. The Phantom Lady.

Phantom Lady.

Her real name is Eily Bergin.
She was my mother.

Your mother? Then she went away
to the city of all cities

that never sleeps
from dusk till dawn.

So, you think she's here in London?
No, I know she's here in London.

Fantastic!
The fantastic tale of Eily Bergin.

I can't wait to hear the end of it.
But you haven't heard the start.

I can't wait to hear that, either.

So, are you a writer too, then, sir?
Oh, good Lord, no.

Something similar maybe.
"Something similar."

I wonder what that could be.

Ooh! Oh! You're a magician!

Bertie Vaughan at your service.

Now, the first thing that has
to be said, Bertie dearest,

is that you bear no resemblance
to Marlon Margarine Brando.

We all have our off days.

So, tell me more
about the Phantom Lady.

Why? What's in it for me?
I'll take you to see my show.

Oh, it's a deal, Magic!

So, where were we?

Oh, yes! The Phantom Lady.

Eily Bergin had just arrived
in Dublin

and had just realised that her boat
didn't sail for another four hours.

Lo and behold, not a scratch.
Thank you, my dear.

Pick a card.

Anyone? Come along, madam.
Pick a card.

Any card.

Oh, my God!
Ooh, blimey!

"Oh, my God", is right.
I do believe you've chosen

the 101 of hearts!

Thank you, my dear.
I'll take care of that.

Time, of course. The time.

Looks like it's up,
you lovely people.

Come on. Help me, please, my loves.

Anyone out there willing
to encounter the Great Watch?

Hello, young lady. What's the story
behind those beautiful blue eyes?

What's your name, young lady?
Patricia Kitten Braden.

And where are you from, my dear?
Ireland.

Keep your eye on the watch,
young Patricia.

The whole world is in there.

Tick-tock.

Swing-swong.

And, dare I say it,... ding-dong.

And let the Great Watch guide you.

And what brings you
to our great metropolis?

I'm looking for my mammy.

Oh. Where did mummy go?

The city swallowed her up.

Oh, fancy that!

Well, it will do that to people.

But you know what, Patricia,

I think I see your mother.
Where?

Why, down there
by that table by the jukebox.

Mammy!

On second thoughts, Patricia,

she's not your mother,
she's your great aunt, Ida.

That's your mother over there!

Mammy!

Actually, Patricia, that's
your second cousin, Ronnie,

just out of the Scrubs.

In fact, your mummy's right up here.

Up here on stage.

Come to Mummy.

Come to Mummy.

Come to Mummy.

Come to Mummy.

Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy!

Oh, good to have you back, darling.

And Mummy's never leaving again.
Never.

Never.
Never. I promise. Never.

You know old Saw Bones!

Ooh! Ooh!

Are you alright, dear?

Oh, yes!

Those of a nervous disposition
should now close their eyes.

Oh, dear.

Are you alright, Kitten? Oh, no.
I'm actually quite heartbroken.

I think I see the problem. Ooh!

Ooh-ooh-ooooh!

Gee, thanks, cupid.

And the other thing about
the Phantom Lady, she realised

in the city that never sleeps...
What did she realise, Kitten?

That all the songs that she'd
listened to, all the love songs,

well, they were only songs.

What's wrong with that? Nothing
if you don't believe in them.

But she did, you see.
She believed in enchanted evenings

and she believed
that a small cloud past overhead

and cried down on her flower bed.

And she even believed
there was breakfast... Where?

On Pluto.

The mysterious, icy wastes of Pluto.

You know, Kitten, I made
a decision a long time ago.

What decision was that?

That I wasn't destined for
the sentimental side of things.

But-But if I did let myself
ever fall for someone,...

..I think it would be
a girl like you.

Please stop.
There's something you should know.

Or maybe what I should say is,
it would be a girl.

Not a million miles away from...
Ooh, please don't.

..where I'm standing.

What's the matter, princess?

Well, you see, the thing is,
Bertie,...

..I'm not...
Yes?

Um...

I'm not a girl.

Oh, I knew that, princess.

You did?
Of course.

What I said was,...
it would be a girl like you.

I do believe
that I see Mummy over there!

Mummy!

Actually, she's just walked in.

There!

Mummy, Mummy!

Bastards!
Think you can make fun of her?!

You're coming with me.

Wait! Please don't leave me!

What about the Prince of Magic?

Please don't go!
Some fucking Prince of Magic!

He doesn't mean that, Charlie.
For Christ's sake, Paddy!

What is happening to you?!
Kitten!

♪ Let it all hang out

♪ But you won't fool
the children of the revolution

♪ No, you won't fool
the children of the revolution...

Excuse me.

John Joe! John Joe! Whoo!

John Joe!

Not a Womble any more? Do not
talk to me about fucking Wombles!

I'm in the Tower of London now! Eh?

30 smackers in the prison,
no questions asked.

We're looking for a Mary Queen
of Scots. Chop my head off, surely!

And here's the man to do it for you.
Huh?

Smiley, huh?

♪

Where's Irwin gone?
Ah, him and his fucking revolution!

How did you carry it?
Brought it in my sleeping bag.

Won't be much sleeping
with this baby.

So, you haven't seen her, then?

She's here, though, somewhere.
I just know it, Charlie.

Big fucking city.

I'm losing Irwin, you know.

How?

He's up to something.

I know it.

He's got these secrets.

So, why did you come over, Charlie?
It wasn't just to see me.

Was it something to do with Irwin?

You might say that.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, Jesus! Charlie!

Does he know?

You know all he knows about

or cares.

But you didn't come here
to have the baby?

I came here to get rid of it.

You have to tell him, Charlie.

I can't. He's all fucked up -

So, how are the homeless?

The homeless are fine.

That's what keeps him out late,
Kitten, working with the homeless.

Right, Irwin?

I cannot have it, can I, Paddy?
No.

No, you can't.

Irwin's involved in shit I don't
even think about. I know.

What would it turn out like, Paddy?
You know what I mean, don't you?

It would be an absolute disaster.

Like me.

Now, I want you
to read this leaflet.

It outlines all aspects
of the termination procedure.

Termination? You mean,
this is an abortion clinic?

Yes, of course it is.

Oh. I thought it was
a fertility clinic.

I think she's changed her mind.

You said it would be a disaster
like you. Worse probably.

But I love you,
you fucking disaster.

Promise you won't get lost again.
I promise.

Tell him.

Tell me what?

Charlie's joining the Sandonistas,
aren't you, Charlie?

Sandonistas?
Mmm-hmm. They're a rock band.

Aren't they, Charlie?
Where can I reach you?

Try Cambridge Circus.

See you, Paddy.

♪

You and me, darling. What do you
say? I don't quite know what to say.

Christ, you're a bloke!
Ten out of ten, Sherlock.

You fancy a drink or something?

Campari and soda, if you don't mind.

Of course I don't.
I wouldn't have asked you otherwise.

Campari and soda, please, mate.

Cheers.

Thank you.

Crowded tonight.
Oh, yes. Football supporters?

No, Royal Engineers.

Oh. Soldiers.

Just come back from a tour of duty.

Aden, Cyprus... No, let me guess...

Fucking Ulster.

I haven't got anything
against the Irish, though, mind.

I hear they're very friendly.
I don't know.

Maybe.

It's the politicians
what fuck it up, though, innit?

Do you wanna dance?

Yes, I'd love to.

♪ "Honey" - Bobby Goldsboro

You're OK?
Oh, yes. Yes, I'm fine.

You seem a little bit tense.

Um, would you do something for me?

Yeah, of course.

Would you pretend your name's Bobby?

Bobby who?

Bobby Goldsboro.

It's his song, you see?

Bobby it is, then.

What you have to do is
plant a little tree,

surprise me with a puppy,

a little hug at night.

Back! Go to the back, lads!
Get as many men there as you can.

Come on, love.
I'm gonna get you out of here.

That's it.

As many people as we can get out
through the door.

You're alright, mate. We've got you.
My tights.

My tights, they're ripped! You're
alive. That's the main thing.

You know what I'll have to do?
I'll have to get a new pair.

I told you,
from my best side, darlings!

Come on! Get out of the way, please!
Come on! Out of the way.

Do the Christian thing.
Oh, do you you really have to?

How silly can you get,
putting an X across my willy?

Not so silly! It's 11 fucking people
blown to pieces!

You twisted little cunt!
Fucking bent Irish man!

Argh! Argh! Argh!

What do you call them, eh?
I can't quite see where you are.

I'm over here, you see.
Millions of miles apart.

Tell him what he wants to know!

Oh... Everyone thinks it's cold up
here but it's actually quite warm.

It's warm as toast on Pluto.
On Pluto.

Don't try the fucking blarney on us,
Paddy!

We know that you planted
the fucking bomb!

But of course I did, my darlings.

I've planted hundreds of them.
Have you now?

Well, plant this!
Ugh!

Hello, Officer. I'm over here.

Just take a left...

Travel to Mars...

Christ, I can't fucking stand this!

Listen, son, why don't you
just make a statement?

A statement, Officer?
Why didn't you just say so?

Attaboy. There's no point
making it hard for all of us.

Of course not.
After all, we're all friends here.

Let's start with where you were
on Thursday October 17th.

I was in my little cell working
with my active service unit.

But I was working undercover.
Undercover?

Oh, it's all coming back to me now.
Pen and paper, please.

♪ I think it's time we stop, children
What's that sound?

♪ Everybody look what's going down...

'Patricia Kitten, AKA Deepthroat,

had penetrated the deepest recesses

of the Republican sphincter...

..with her secret
anti-terrorist spray,

named after Gabrielle Coco Chanel's
lucky number.'

'Oh, but Lord,
is she sick of that black!'

'What is it with freedom
fighters' haute couture, anyway?'

You've got fuse support,
booster charge. You've got your -

♪ Stop, hey, what's that sound?

♪ Everybody look what's going down

♪ Stop, hey, what's that sound?

♪ Everybody look what's going down

♪ Stop now, what's that sound? ♪

♪ "Honey" - Bobby Goldsboro

♪ One day while I was not at home

♪ While she was there and all alone

♪ The angels came

♪ Now all I have is memories of honey

♪ And I wake at nights
and call her name... ♪

Is there anyone here?
Why won't he just talk to us?

Did he or didn't he dress
as a woman and get caught

by his own bomb? We've held him
six days now, seven's the max.

Paddy? Are you alright?

It's fine. It's really wonderful.

Meet us halfway, will you, Paddy?

Tell us why you came over here.
I was just looking for someone.

I was looking for Eily Bergin.
Who's Eily Bergin, Paddy?

She's-She's gone undercover now.

The biggest city in the world
swallowed her up.

Could she help us
with our inquiries, Paddy?

She could help me with mine. Do you
want us to find her? Got an address?

You could try the house that
vanished. The house that vanished.

Oh, Christ!

I think we're all losing it!

We're gonna get some sleep now,
Paddy. We'll get some sleep.

Look,... I think
we may have made a mistake.

Officer?
What is it now?

If you came home from the office
and you found me lying on the floor

would you take me to hospital?

Of course I would.

Would you carry me
like you're doing now?

Yeah.

So, if I wasn't a transvestite
terrorist, would you marry me?

Oh, for fucks sake!

Well, is Officer Wallace
going to be a happy man or what?

We've held you too long,
by all accounts. Look.

Oh. Oh, no, you can't.

You can't.
Now when I'm settling in so well.

Take your head off my shoulder, son.

You don't understand,
Paddy. We can't keep you here.

It's impossible. We couldn't
even if we wanted to. Fuck this!

Come on!

Just for one day.
It wouldn't kill you.

Sorry, Paddy. It's impossible.

OK. A half day. Please?
No.

Look, do you mind me asking...?
Why do you wanna...?

It doesn't make any sense.
It just makes me feel secure.

Secure?
Yes. You see, in the cells sometimes

I think my legs are turning into air
and are floating in space

and I'm all alone.
Galactic loneliness.

Please. Routledge.

I just want to belong.

I'd be your best prisoner.
I'd cook and I'd clean

and I'd sweep
and I'd iron all the uniforms.

Paddy!

No. I'm afraid it's goodbye, Paddy.

♪ "Love Is A Many-Splendored
Thing" - Jerry Vale

♪ Love is a many-splendored thing...

Jennifer Jones and William Holden.

Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing?

Have you ever been in love?

Once I thought I was.

He was a lucky man.

I'd pay you.

I'd give you whatever you wanted.

Whatever you wanted, I'd give you.

♪ In the morning mist two lovers kiss

♪ And the world stood still

♪ Then your fingers
touched my silent heart

♪ And taught it how to sing

♪ Yes, true love's
a many-splendored thing...

That's my mammy! That's my mammy!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

♪ Yes, true love's
a many-splendored thing... ♪

Hello, sir. Can I be of assistance?

I don't do anything heavy
but aside from that I...

I could have you arrested, you know.

Well, ikie-okie me!

Get in.

This is no life for a young man
like you, Patrick. Cuff me, then.

Carry me to my sweet cell.
No.

Oh, wait, you're not
an actual punter, are you?

Oh, how exciting. No, it's not that,
either. It's more serious than that.

Of course it is! Of course
it's serious. Everything's -

You're gonna die out there, Paddy!

I know.

I want you to try
and get a regular job.

Well, to tell you the truth,
Inspector,

I'm not that employable.
So I gathered.

Fucking hell!

Come with me.

A group of girls got themselves
off the street, Patrick.

Set up a co-op.
What do you mean, "co-op"?

You know, sort of, like...
A union, you could call it.

Girls. Hello.

Come on.

♪
It's not ideal but it's safe.

And legal.

Cassandra.

Goddess of destruction.

Girls. Hello.

Hello! This is Patrick.
Hello.

He's a friend of mine so be gentle.
Hello, Sam. We're always nice.

Do you wanna play poker?
I love poker.

Are you working with us?
I hope so.

We're a nice bunch here. No
bitchiness here. Look at his hair.

Yeah. So, where are you from?
Er, Cavan.

Very nice. I'm from Dublin. You'll
do well here. You'll like us.

You'll definitely like it here.

'Dear Charlie,
sorry I haven't been in touch

and I hope that everything
is going fine with you.'

'How's the bump?'

'I'm just writing to say
that I've got a new address.'

'It's Xanadu on Old Compton Street.
You can reach me there at any time.'

'I'm saving like mad to get over
to see you when it happens

in, what is it, four months,
two weeks and three days.'

Hello.
"Show me your bazoozoms."

I beg your pardon.
"You know."

"What's that?!"

Now, listen, sir,
we can't all have big bazoozoms.

Some of us
are what you might call svelte.

"Svelte?"
Yes. It's a Swedish word, I believe.

There's also a French one.
"Aye. Give me the French."

- Camine.
- "Camine."

And that's what I am, sir.
A svelte camine.

♪ How much is that doggie
in the window?

♪ The one with the waggly tail - ♪

Not "waggly", "waggedy"!

Waggedy tail!

Dear Sir Unseen, I know my music

and I'm willing to get ten times
whatever pathetic price

you paid to get in here
that the dog's tail is waggly.

Now, I wanna hear you bark.

Please, don't do that.

As you wish, sir.

"I don't do
this sort of thing often."

That's alright, sir.
We've got lots of time.

"I knew a boy like you once."
Oh, I'm not a boy, sir.

I'm a girl.
"Oh, you're a girl."

Yes.

You can call me Patricia.
That's my name, sir.

"Can I tell you a story,...
Patricia?"

Oh, please do.
Stories are what I love.

"You love stories?"
Love stories.

Even more than mysteries.
"Don't do that, please."

"Please."

Very well, sir. I'm all ears.

"Once upon a time there was a boy

who never knew
his father or mother."

Oh, that's sad. How unbearably sad.
Was he an unbearably sad little boy?

"He didn't seem so. No. He laughed."

"He laughed a lot."

Perhaps the kind of laughter
that disguises tears.

"Maybe laughter was the only way

to, er,... deal with..."

Please go on. To deal with...?

"To deal with his circumstances."

You seem to understand
this boy quite well, sir.

"I-I knew his father."

And?

"And... the boy's father
loved him... very much."

"He could never tell the boy
how-how much..." How much...

He could never tell
the boy how much he loved him.

Well, this can't be a true story.
It can't be. Why not?

Why could he not tell the boy?
Because he didn't know how.

"He had the words for many things,
you see,

but he didn't have
the words for that."

There are only three words
for that. They're easy to say.

Sometimes they are,
other times they're not.

Other times they're,...
they're impossible.

He-He loved the boy's mother, too,
but that was equally impossible.

So, he never told the boy?

He never told him and then
the boy left and came to England.

And, er, the father had...

..lots of time to think about...

..all the things...

All the things that might have been,
should have been.

He had all the time in the world
to think.

What did he think about?

He thought he imagined perhaps
that the boy had come to England

looking for his mother.

And what was his mother's name?

Her name was Eily. Eily Bergin.
Oh, God.

And so the father thought
that the one thing he could do

was tell him
where he could find his mother.

Where to find the Phantom Lady?
Huh? What?

Please go on.

She married and had two children.

Probably wouldn't want to see him.
Where does she live?

19 Spencer Rise in Kilburn.

See, what I want, I want English.

I want... conservative.
I want... East Finchley.

I want... powerful.

Do you think it works?
I think you look better than her.

I do look better than her.
You do.

♪ "Madame George" - Van Morrison

♪ Down Cyprus Avenue

♪ With the childlike visions
leaping into view

♪ The click and clacking
of the high-heeled shoes

♪ Ford and Fitzroy
Madame George...

Do you need help, Miss?

Um, yes.

I'm doing a survey
for British Telecom.

Um, do you know where
19 Spencer Rise is?

That's my house. There.
It's your...

Can't you read numbers?
Oh, yes, I can read numbers.

So, what's the survey?

Well, it's-it's about telephones.

Do you have a telephone?
Everyone has a telephone.

No, not everyone, young man.
Some people can't afford one.

Well, we can.

I see.

Um, and so, what is your name?

My name's Patrick.

Patrick.

Pa-trick. How many phones
do you have, Patrick?

Shouldn't you be asking my mother?

Yes. Yes, of course I should.

Um, and where would I find her?

Mum, there's a nice lady here...

♪ Yeah, that's when you fall ♪

Are you al- Oh, my God!

Feeling better then?
Oh, yes.

Some more tea?
No, thank you.

So, what's this survey about then?

Oh.
It's about phones, Mum.

Phones. Brit Telecom.
Yes, British Telecom.

Um,... are you a multi-phone
household? Yes. We've got three.

One in the bedroom,
one in the kitchen

and one in Geoffrey's office.

Geoffrey?
Is my husband.

Oh.

Um,...

Sorry. Um...

How frequently
is your telephone used?

Very.

Laura's never off it.
Oh. Laura...

My daughter.
Oh.

She's 13.
I see.

You don't use the phone much,
Patrick, eh? No, I suppose not.

Hmm.
Well, Miss...

Johnstone. Delia Johnstone.
Johnstone.

If you have any other questions,
don't hesitate to call.

No, I think I have more than enough.
Thank you.

Thank you for tea.
Oh, you're welcome. Bye.

Shouldn't you have a uniform?

No, I shouldn't have a uniform.

The men who put the phones in
have a uniform. Do they now?

Aren't they from Telecom?
Yes, they are.

How come Telecom don't know
how many phones we have?

It's from a different department.
Why don't you just phone up then?

There's nothing like
the personal touch, is there?

Why don't - Young man, I get
the feeling you don't like me.

You're wrong, I think you're nice.

Well, I think you're nice, too.

Why are you crying?
It's conjunctivitis.

'I gave your address to Father Liam
and I hope you don't mind.'

'He's been very kind to me and I
need all the kindness I can get.'

'The Special Branch lifted me
on a dope charge, you see.'

'They used that to get to Irwin.'

They lifted Charlie
on the dope charges...

..and say she'll be having her baby
in prison if I didn't - Didn't what?

If I didn't inform them
of the operation.

You do it. No, you do it.
I can't. I went to school

with his brother. The Cavan man.
Cavan man. Cavan man, isn't he?

♪ And I'm caught one more time

♪ Up on Cyprus Avenue

♪ I'm caught one more time

♪ Up on Cyprus Avenue

♪ And I'm conquered in a car seat

♪ Not a thing that I can do ♪

What will I call you?
Father.

You call me, Father. Come in.

I can't. I prayed, you know.
I prayed you'd come back.

Did you find her?
Yes.

You know, we're kind of...

Where's Charlie?
She's upstairs. Come on.

After the drugs charge there were
problems at home so I took her in.

She hardly eats a thing, you know.
She's wasting away.

Maybe you could...

Where do you sleep, Father?
Don't worry about me.

Charlie.

Is that you, Kitten?
Sh. Charlie.

They put a rubbish bag
over his head.

Hush, Charlie.

My parents told me to go back
where I came from.

Don't think about it, Charlie.

You're pregnant.
That's all that matters now.

I'm here to hep you.

♪ "Fly, Robin, Fly" -
Silver Convention

♪ Fly, Robin, Fly

♪ Fly, Robin, fly

♪ Fly, Robin, fly

♪ Up, up to the sky ♪

Robins, Father. Would you believe it?
Pecking at the cream.

The poor things must be starved.

You have your mother's eyes.
You know that, don't you?

The colour of the ocean beyond
Ross's Point.

You took her there?

Many times.

Things could have been so different.
Sh.

Don't say anything.

Because, you know, the strangest
thing... I went looking for her...

..but I found you.

♪ How much is that doggie
in the window...?

No, Una. In the end,
it was a blessed release.

She was a lovely woman.
She never missed a day of mass.

When they opened her up they found
a lump as big as a melon. A melon?

That big? Maybe it was a grapefruit.
I get them mixed up.

So, we're not exactly blessed
with choice, Father dear.

And is there any rule that says
that when you're pregnant

you need to dress like a lollipop
lady? I know of no such rule.

No, so I thought...

This little hippie number might
give her the lift she needs. Nice.

Velvet, Father. Like crushed grass.
Oh, look, Father!

Oh, can we try the silver fur,
Missus? Is it for yourself?

25 different coloured baby gloves.

4 teddy bears I can understand
but I don't need a pram yet, Kit.

You will.

Where did you get the money?
Oh, singing.

♪ How much is that doggie
in the window?

Is it "waggly" or "waggedy", Charlie?
Waggly.

No, wait a minute...

Oh, Father! Whoo-hoo!

How are youse?
You know the doggie with the tail?

Is it waggly or waggedy?
The song?

Waggedy, I seem to remember. Your
mother never stopped singing it.

Aye, waggedy tail.
Waggedy.

♪ How much is that doggie
in the window?

Woof! Woof!
♪ The one with the waggedy tail

♪ How much is that doggie
in the window?

Oh, Jesus Christ! Why doesn't
the Bishop do something?

The bishop we have
isn't worth a damn!

Do you know something, Thomas,

there are times
when I wish I was a bus conductor.

♪ "Zadok The Priest" -
Georg Friedrich Handel

Patrick!

Charlie!

Up here!

Up the top! Up the top!

Come on now!

I can't stay here, anyways.

You should come and see us
after the baby's...

The only parish I've been offered

is in Kilburn
so you might see a lot of me.

You saved my life, Father.

And mine.

Great, big, fire-proof man.

Come on, Charlie, push!

Push!
I am pushing, Kit! Fuck it!

I am pushing!
Please!

Jesus!

It's tearing me apart!

♪ "Sugar Baby Love" - The Rubettes

Hey. You're the telephone lady.

Oh. If it isn't the young boy
from the multi-phone household.

What are you doing here?
My mum's with the doctor.

She's, you know,
got a bun in the fireplace.

I think you mean the oven, young man.
OK, the oven. What's your name?

The Phantom lady.
That's a funny name.

I know that. I'm a funny lady.

Is that your baby?
No. It's hers.

- She's having her fireplace checked.
-

Isn't she? Yes, she is!

Charlie, darling, this is...
Patrick.

This is my young friend, Patrick.

So, how's your fireplace?
Aw!

My fireplace is 100 percent. And
your little bun's just fine, too.

Yes, you are.

Patrick, there's your mum.
You'd better run.

OK.

Patrick.

Will you tell her
that the telephone lady

says that she hopes it's a girl
this time?

OK.
OK.

♪ Sugar baby love

♪ Sugar baby love

♪ I didn't mean to hurt you

♪ People

♪ Take my advice

♪ If you love someone

♪ Don't think twice

♪ Love your baby love... ♪