All language subtitles for Red Dwarf S02E02 Beter Than Life 1080p BluRay HEVC x265 BONE
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1
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:09,471
(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
2
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:11,479
Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf,
3
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,916
Its crew; Dave Lister,
the last human being alive;
4
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,992
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram
of his dead bunkmate;
5
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:21,197
and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat, Message ends,
6
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,228
Additional,
Loneliness weighs heavily on us all,
7
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:29,312
Personally, the only thing that keeps me going
8
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:34,713
is knowing that we are over 60 billion miles
from the nearest Berni Inn,
9
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:45,799
For a mi ld stomach upset, take one teaspoonful.
10
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,440
For acute indigestion, take two.
11
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,998
Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round.
12
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,753
Obviously, you can't expect perfection first time,
13
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,230
but I was quite delighted with my dumplings.
14
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:05,392
Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings,
15
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,869
when they're properly cooked to perfection,
16
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,633
proper dumplings should not bounce.
17
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:16,472
True, but compared to what I thought
they'd be like, they were superb.
18
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:20,235
- So, how's the Cat?
- He's sleeping off the stomach pump.
19
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:24,108
He'll be all right. The lamb was a flop, though.
20
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,556
The lamb? Everybody thought
the lamb was the cheese!
21
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,950
And that lemon meringue pie, what was in that?
22
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:36,160
- You liked that. You brought some back.
- Yeah, to try on my athlete's foot.
23
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,391
It's not easy, Lister, cooking...when you're dead,
24
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,790
you don't exist,
when you're made entirely of light.
25
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,758
That's your excuse for everything, being dead.
26
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:49,913
I'm trying to rehabilitate myself,
trying to do the everyday things
27
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,275
that living people take for granted.
28
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:56,831
- You've got the skutters to help you.
- What? Pinky and smegging Perky?
29
00:02:56,920 --> 00:03:00,754
What use are they?
It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses.
30
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,594
- They only do what you tell them to.
- They don't.
31
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:09,549
You say, "Keep an eye on that lamb,"
and they watch it burn.
32
00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:14,350
They've got no emotion.
It's not built into their software.
33
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:18,752
Their broom cupboard is full
of pin-ups of John Wayne.
34
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,719
That's not right. Piled this high
with Film Fun magazines.
35
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,189
That's not the way spanners behave.
36
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,430
Oi, What's happening, dudes?
37
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,511
- Hi, Hol.
- Guess what?
38
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,034
- (BOTH) What?
- Go on, guess,
39
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,556
- What is it vaguely about?
- No clues, just guess,
40
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,988
I knew you wouldn 't get it,
41
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,514
- The post pod's arrived,
- The mail?!
42
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:48,036
It's been tracking us since we left Earth,
43
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,475
It's taken three million years?!
44
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:54,155
Yeah, that's about average
for second-class post,
45
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,472
(CAPS BANG)
46
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:07,671
See what I mean?
(HOLLERS LIKE RED INDIAN)
47
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:21,188
There's everything, all the mail,
a new batch of movies...
48
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:27,276
Oh, the new Friday 13th movie,
Friday 13th Part 1,649.
49
00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:31,196
Casablanca! They've re-made Casablanca.
50
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,909
Philistines! I mean, Casablanca?
51
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:39,073
The one starring Myra Binglebat
and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
52
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:44,109
I saw that, Knockout,
"Of all the space bars in all the worlds,
53
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,998
"you had to re-materialise in mine, "
54
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:50,072
Look, a whole year of Earth news.
55
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,799
And two seasons of zero-G football.
56
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:57,670
- I 'll see you in the spring.
- What are total immersion video games?
57
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:03,835
Where?! Oh, these are brilliant!
You can't get these for love nor money.
58
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:09,199
These are like Venus' arms.
These are like Brooke Shields' buttocks.
59
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:12,556
- What are they?
- They're computer games, aren't they?
60
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:16,758
But electrodes are inserted
into your frontal lobes, right?
61
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:20,719
So, you actually feel
as though you're really there. Yes!
62
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,792
Fine. Holly, there's a video letter for you.
63
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,871
Bung it on,
64
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:32,431
- Strike a light! It's Gordon,
- Who's Gordon?
65
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:38,470
The AI computer on the Scott Fitzgerald,
He's got an IQ of *,000,
66
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:42,599
All right, Hol? It,,, It's Gordon,
67
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,910
Awesome, his intellect, I tell you,
68
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,878
Here's the latest move in our chess game,
69
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:53,717
My move is pawn,,, That's the little
knobbly ones down the front,,,
70
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,679
Pawn to King 4, Your move,
71
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,320
Well, I'd better sign off now,
72
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,550
See you, Hol, Bye,
73
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,989
H,,, How do you turn this off, then?
74
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,679
You were playi ng postal chess with him?
75
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:21,470
A chance to challenge that intellect?
I'd be a fool not to,
76
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:25,473
Pawn to King 4, eh? He's a sly one,
77
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:29,599
- So, who's winning, Hol?
- Well, he is really,
78
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,911
That was the first move,
79
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:53,277
- Me... Me...Me... You... Me...
- It's all junk mail, yours, you know?
80
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,352
Me... Me... Me...
81
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,671
You send off for every bit of rubbish going,
82
00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,274
just so you have mail to open.
83
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,954
Me... Me...
84
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,476
"Please rush me my portable
walrus-polishing kit.
85
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:14,237
"Four super brushes that clean even
the trickiest of seabound mammals."
86
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:18,632
"Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't."
87
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,154
Me... Me...
88
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,800
Smeg! Outland Revenue.
89
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,114
Oh-oh-oh! Outland Revenue.
90
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,071
8,500?
91
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:35,632
8,500?! That's a lot!
How will you pay for that, eh?
92
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,075
I'm not. It's yours.
93
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:39,957
What?!
94
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,949
No. This is wrong. This is well wrong, Lister.
95
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,759
Relax. They won't catch you now.
96
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:52,789
Because we're three million years
into deep space and humans are extinct?
97
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,792
That means nothing to them. They'll find us.
98
00:07:55,880 --> 00:08:01,159
- I'll be worrying all the time now.
- Me... Oh, another one for you.
99
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,834
"Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer"?!
100
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,272
That's from my mother.
101
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,351
Rear Admiral?
102
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,637
Whenever I take an exam, I say I passed.
103
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:16,315
By now, I should be in charge of the universe.
104
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,709
- Shall I open it?
- Open it.
105
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,432
"Dear Rimmer..." Is this from your mum?
106
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,511
That's Mumsie.
107
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,511
This handwriting's terrible.
108
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,070
"I hope this epistle finds you adequately healthy
109
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,151
"to discharge your duties..."
110
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,312
Maybe I shouldn't read this deeply personal stuff.
111
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:43,111
- Just get on with it.
- "I write to..." I can't read that.
112
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:48,194
Oh, "I write to inform you
that your father is dad."
113
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:52,478
Well, of course he is.
Maybe it's "your father/dad".
114
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:55,199
- "Dead".
- I can't make it out.
115
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,475
- My father is dead.
- What?
116
00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,949
My father is dead.
117
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,315
Oh, yeah, it's an "E"!
118
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,437
That's what it is. Your father's dead, Rimmer.
119
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:12,591
Oh, eh. Sorry.
120
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,756
Is that all she says?
121
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:23,311
Just that he passed away peacefully in his Jeep.
122
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,397
Sleep.
123
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,755
- Can't sleep?
- Hmm.
124
00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:01,436
- (SIGHS) No, me, neither.
- Hmmm.
125
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:05,638
I remember when my dad died. I was only six.
126
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:10,475
I got loads of presents off everyone
like it was Christmas.
127
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,438
I remember wishing more people would die,
128
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,988
so I could complete me Lego set.
129
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:22,436
My grandma tried to explain. She said
he'd gone away and wasn't coming back.
130
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,511
I wanted to know where.
131
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:30,118
She said he was happy and he'd gone
to the same place as me goldfish.
132
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,749
I thought they'd flushed him down the bog.
133
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:38,072
I thought he was just
round the U-bend, you know?
134
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:42,790
I used to stuff food down
and magazines for him to read.
135
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,348
They took me to a child psychologist
136
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:50,389
when they found me with my head down
the bowl reading the football results.
137
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,990
I knew he was dead.
138
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,799
I mean, they're all dead, aren't they?
139
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:02,429
But that letter makes it seem
like it happened yesterday.
140
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:06,996
- You never said much about him.
- No.
141
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,833
- You must have been pretty close.
- Close?
142
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,070
- Sorry. Very close.
- Close?
143
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,271
I hated him.
144
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:20,115
I detested his fat, stupid guts,
the pop-eyed, balding git.
145
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,909
- Eh?
- He wanted to join the Space Corps,
146
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,959
be an officer, but he was an inch
below regulation height.
147
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,031
One inch.
148
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,111
I had three brothers.
149
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,557
When we were young, he bought
a traction machine to stretch us.
150
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:41,475
By the time my brother Frank
was eleven, he was six foot five.
151
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:46,509
Every morning, he'd measure us.
If we hadn't grown, back on the rack.
152
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,068
Sounds like he had a screw loose.
153
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:53,153
I don't think he had one screw
tightened, to be honest.
154
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,596
He had this fixation with the Space Corps.
155
00:11:56,680 --> 00:12:00,389
At meal times, he'd ask us questions
on astronavigation.
156
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:04,951
- If we got them wrong, no food.
- How did you cope?
157
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,396
I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.
158
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,392
I thought you adored your parents.
159
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,109
- When I was 14, I divorced them.
- What?
160
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,316
I took them to court.
161
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,868
I got paid maintenance until employment age
162
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,315
and weekend access to the dog.
163
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:27,155
So, why are you so completely blown away
about him dying, then?
164
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,472
Oh, I still respected him.
It was natural. He was my father.
165
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:34,393
There's nothing natural
about your family, Rimmer.
166
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,916
It's just... I always wanted just once,
167
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:42,869
just once, for him to say to me, "Well done".
168
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,029
- For what?
- For something, anything.
169
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:50,511
I wanted him to be proud of me,
just once. And now...
170
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:54,798
(CAT) Aow! My stomach has been pumped,
and now I'm hungry.
171
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:59,795
Hey, there you are!
Hey, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat.
172
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,871
Rimmer's dad's died.
173
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,951
I'd prefer chicken.
174
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:31,590
Good evening, Here is the news
on Friday, 27th Geldof,
175
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,910
Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered
176
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:38,152
what is believed
to be a missing page from the Bible,
177
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,038
The page is presently being carbon dated,
178
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:45,398
If genuine, it's from the beginning
of the Bible, and reads,,,
179
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,630
"To my darling Candy,
180
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,712
"All characters portrayed
within this book are fictitious,
181
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,793
"Any resemblance to persons living
or dead is purely coincidental, "
182
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:58,190
The page has been universally
condemned by church leaders,
183
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:04,037
Europe, A terrorist representing
the Revolutionary Working Front,,,
184
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,475
- Listen...
- Pause!
185
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:11,190
About your father. If it's any help,
he's in the ground now.
186
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,158
Sure, it's bad news for him,
187
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:18,074
but it's party time for all the little worms.
188
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,390
There's just no consoling him.
189
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:33,112
Me and the Cat are playing a TIV.
Do you want to come?
190
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,998
Come on. Holly can key you in.
191
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,239
No?
192
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,710
- Play.
- (TV),, was arrested today,
193
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:49,713
The man was attempting
to poison the spring in France,
194
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,872
the source of the world's Perrier water,
195
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:58,159
Had he succeeded, experts believe the
middle class would have been wiped out,
196
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,789
Techno news, The new sensation
sweeping the solar system
197
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:05,350
is the total immersion video game
Better Than Life,
198
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,874
Using the new SensoLock feedback technique,
199
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,475
Better Than Life
detects your desires and fantasies
200
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,551
and makes them come true,
201
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:19,510
So great is its appeal, when one store
in New Tokyo ran out of stocks,
202
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:23,479
rubber nuclear weapons had
to be used on the crowds,
203
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,120
England's underwater
hockey team's tour of Titan,,,
204
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,552
- Better Than Life - here it is.
- Bri lliant!
205
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,790
(CAT) Let's play!
206
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,430
Key me in, Holly.
207
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,513
(SEAGULLS CALL)
208
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,320
What sort of game is this?
209
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,313
It's incredible. It's just like being here.
210
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,072
(LISTER) Yes!
211
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,072
# Boop-boop be doo #
212
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:36,515
That's what's-her-name,
the actress from the 20th century.
213
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,795
Er... Mary Magdalene.
214
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:44,590
It's Marilyn Monroe, you gimp.
I think she fancies you.
215
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,399
What does that prove? She's not blind.
216
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,916
Hey, baby. I'll catch you later, OK?
217
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,516
It's absolutely incredible.
218
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,076
Look! Look!
219
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,952
Excuse me. You're probably really busy,
220
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,032
but you are my all-time favourite dictator.
221
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:11,432
I've read all your war diaries.
Your Italian campaign was brilliant.
222
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,149
Er... Could you just sign this for me?
223
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:20,837
Make it out, "To my good pal Arnie
from your chum Napoleon Bonaparte."
224
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:26,597
It's not for me, it's for my sister, Alison.
Er... We call her Arnie.
225
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,037
(MOUTHS)
226
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:33,998
Napoleon Bonaparte's autograph?!
227
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,038
Gentlemen. Welcome to Better Than Life.
228
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:42,197
You must be hungry.
There's a restaurant down the beach.
229
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,430
How do we get there?
230
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,752
Anyway you want. This is Better Than Life.
231
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,589
Any way we want?
232
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,317
(LISTER LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
233
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:58,839
Yo!
234
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,797
I'm thinking too small. Think big!
235
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,755
That's more like it.
236
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,197
(BRASS BAND ON RADIO)
237
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,231
- McGruder!
- Hi, Tiger!
238
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,799
(BOTH GROWL)
239
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,190
I bet you're wearing a peephole bra.
240
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,077
Yes, I am!
241
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,277
We're just one thing away from perfection.
242
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,315
Bliss.
243
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,276
Where's Rimmer?
I thought he was right behind us.
244
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,794
Your caviar vindaloo, sir.
245
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:28,795
Half rice, half chips and lots more
bread and butter to follow.
246
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:33,510
- I've never eaten anything this classy.
- Better Than Life, sir.
247
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:37,752
- Yours was the fish, sir?
- What are you doing?!
248
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:41,355
I always do this when someone gives me food.
249
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:49,759
As ordered. A small aquarium.
Are you sure you wouldn't like one cooked?
250
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,957
No, sir. I like my food to move.
251
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:56,396
# I'm going to eat you, little fishy... #
252
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,358
Mr Rimmer...sir.
253
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,433
They're on table K on the second terrace.
254
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:04,999
Excellent.
255
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:11,990
# I'm going to eat you, little fishy,
I'm going to eat you, little fishy
256
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,753
# 'Cause I like little fish #
257
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,719
I'm sorry. I don't know what happened.
258
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,236
I was driving along,
and suddenly, there was McGruder.
259
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:27,314
Well, one thing led to another and...
God, this is a great game!
260
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,517
Twice in one lifetime? I'm becoming Hugh Hefner.
261
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:35,796
- Rimmer, you can touch things!
- Why do you think I was late?
262
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,479
- Have you seen your room?
- What room?
263
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:46,112
Mine is brilliant. I've got a vibrating
waterbed in the shape of a guitar.
264
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,715
Yeah? Well, you should see my wardrobe.
265
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,475
It's so big it crosses a time zone.
266
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:58,714
When it's 3.00 where my shirts are,
it's 7 am for my socks.
267
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,553
- (MAN) Admiral?
- What about my electronic lavvy?
268
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:05,633
It comes when you call,
takes your trousers down, does everything.
269
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,473
- It's just so stylish.
- (MAN) Admiral.
270
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:14,510
Who is that? Just because he knows
an Admiral, does he have to broadcast it?
271
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,670
(MAN) Admiral Rimmer, sir.
272
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:21,390
(FEIGNS A YAWN) Yawn-o-rama city.
We know an Admiral.
273
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,914
Admiral Rimmer, Field Marshall Clifton
sends his compliments
274
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,958
and wonders if you'd join him for cigars.
275
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,919
There must be some mistake. I'm not an admiral.
276
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,191
I love this game.
277
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,318
Gentlemen, excuse me.
278
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,119
Dom Perignon '54, sir,
279
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,714
in a pint mug as requested.
280
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:52,358
Thank you, my man.
281
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,511
That's a good year.
282
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,397
(LAUGHTER)
283
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,556
So, I said to Hollister...
284
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,431
Well, I can't actually remember what I said,
285
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:16,071
but it was one of the most
frighteningly witty put-downs ever.
286
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,237
(LAUGHTER)
287
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,028
Oh, bravo, sir! Bravo...
288
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:30,115
Sir, I know it's an awful bore,
but would you mind just signing this?
289
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,191
What's that, you little pipsqueak?
290
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:37,119
My Incredible Career by Admiral A J Rimmer.
291
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,919
I've read it 18 times, sir.
292
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:45,279
- There you go, laddo.
- Gosh, I'll be the envy of the academy.
293
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,710
- Father.
- Son.
294
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:57,316
- What are you doing here?
- I'm sorry to barge in on you
295
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,233
and your officer chummies, but...
296
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,153
- Yes?
- I just wanted to tell you...
297
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:07,914
- Yes?
- I just wanted to say...
298
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,549
- Yes?
- I just wanted to say...
299
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,631
you're a total smeghead!
300
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,351
What? This isn't my fantasy!
301
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,556
No, it's mine.
302
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,436
Yes! Whoo!
303
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:36,071
Hey, move over, man. I want to plant my egg.
304
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,313
- It's called a ball.
- Are you telling me how to play?
305
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,870
You think cats never played golf? OK...
306
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,830
(LISTER MAKES CAR NOISES)
307
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,074
- I'm really thirsty, you know?
- Yeah?
308
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:11,073
- Perhaps a banana bomb, sir.
- Thank you, my man.
309
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:20,197
Hi, sugar!
How about a bit of ooby-dooby-doo?
310
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:24,512
How's about a bit of ooby-dooby-don't?
What a pest!
311
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,555
All right? What's happening, dudes?
312
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,915
We're having a real nice time.
313
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:44,039
I'm dating Marilyn Monroe
and another girl who's a mermaid.
314
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:46,509
She's half woman, half fish.
315
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,709
It's Miranda, my girlfriend. Yoo-hoo!
316
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:58,071
I imagined woman on top
and fish on the bottom,
317
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,799
No. That's a stupid way round.
318
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,151
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
319
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,955
(RIMMER) Don't ever do that again!
320
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,679
(McGRUDER) Don't talk to me like that!
321
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,271
(ARGUING AND SHOUTING)
322
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:31,599
- What happened to you?
- Lister.
323
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:36,468
Ah, this a great game, Lister.
I couldn't be happier.
324
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,710
Who are all those guys?
325
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,360
It's McGruder. She got pregnant,
326
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,432
so this morning, she made me marry her,
327
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,512
and this afternoon, we had seven kids.
328
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,591
Bliss.
329
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:51,671
Where's your E-Type?
330
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,309
It was too impractical, with kids and everything.
331
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,392
You fantasise about seven kids and a mortgage?
332
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,713
(WEAKLY) Help!
333
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:05,873
Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks?
334
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:11,193
My brain's rebelled. It just won't
accept nice things happening to me.
335
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:16,757
It just keeps fantasising...horribleness.
336
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,434
- Mr Rimmer?
- Yes?
337
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,795
Mr Arnold Judas Rimmer?
338
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,190
- Yes.
- Outland Revenue, sir.
339
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:26,952
Oh, my God!
340
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,793
This is a demand for immediate payment.
341
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,630
18,000?!
342
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:38,030
If you are unable to pay, I am instructed
343
00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:41,635
to break your legs and remove your thumbs...sir.
344
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:44,393
What can I do? I'm broke.
345
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,313
I'll pay, man. I'll pay. I'll pay.
346
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:52,551
Where's all me money gone?
347
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:58,510
Oh, no! I just fantasised it all away.
This is getting worse. Help me!
348
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:03,230
Don't move! A huge, black, furry spider
just crawled up your trouser leg!
349
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:08,713
I know! I put it there!
It's the thing I'm afraid of most!
350
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:12,076
- This is getting out of hand!
- I know!
351
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,230
Ah! He's into my boxers.
352
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,629
- Wish it away.
- I can't!
353
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,790
- Concentrate, man!
- I can't!
354
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,031
What's he done now?
355
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:26,270
- I'm sorry!
- What's going on?
356
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:30,069
We're smeared with jam
and being eaten by killer ants.
357
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,355
- Why?!
- Why not?
358
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,637
(TUTS) You can't take him anywhere, can you?
359
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:40,874
- You've ruined this, Rimmer!
- We're going to die and it's my fault!
360
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:42,757
(ALL SCREAM)
361
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:44,953
(ALL SCREAM)
362
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:48,350
- You're a total dinglebat!
- I'm sorry!
363
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:52,149
We were having a great time
until you came along.
364
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:54,231
You're a bozo.
365
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:57,198
Nice things just don't happen to me.
366
00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:00,477
- Hey, what's that?
- It's a letter for Rimmer.
367
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,398
"Dear sir, due to a computer error,
368
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,871
"you were wrongly informed that you
had failed the astronavigation exam.
369
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:14,829
"You passed and are hereby promoted
to Navigation Officer First Class.
370
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:19,550
"We enclose your pips and insignia."
Smegging hell!
371
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:23,599
Who said nice things never happen to you?
372
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,719
- I did!
- We're still in the game!
373
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,429
You certainly are. Now, what about my 18 grand?
374
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:35,196
It's bone-crunching time, my old china.
Now, where's those little thumbies?
375
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:41,757
# It's cold outside
376
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:43,637
# There's no kind of atmosphere
377
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:47,076
# I'm all alone, more or less
378
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:50,277
# Let me fly far away from here
379
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:53,113
# Fun, fun, fun
380
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:56,715
# In the sun, sun, sun
381
00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:00,156
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
382
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,516
# Drinking fresh mango juice
383
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:06,876
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
384
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,633
# Fun, fun, fun
385
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:13,395
# In the sun, sun, sun
386
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,153
# Fun, fun, fun
387
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:20,313
# In the sun, sun, sun #
29288
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