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1
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,801
- Before I leave this Earth,
2
00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:12,762
I want you to have
this feather boa.
3
00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:16,683
One of my johns from the '80s
used to choke me out with it.
4
00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:19,102
He used to kick
the shit out of me.
5
00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:22,397
- Wow. Thank you.
6
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,607
- Did
Sandy tell you he's dying?
7
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:27,402
- Dr. Bronner diagnosed him
with Anderson Coo-pie-is.
8
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:29,738
- Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.
9
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,656
I-it's terminal.
10
00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:33,867
- Sandy, we've been over this.
11
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,995
Dr. Bronner's is a
cult-y soap company.
12
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,955
He's not an actual physician.
13
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,750
- Well, every time I
email customer service
14
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:45,962
with my symptoms, I always
receive a diagnosis.
15
00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:49,674
Carl, I want you to
have this frisbee
16
00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:52,177
that once belonged
to Sirhan Sirhan.
17
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,803
- No, thanks.
18
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,807
- ♪ I hope I never figure
out who broke your heart ♪
19
00:00:57,932 --> 00:00:59,351
♪ Maybe if I do... ♪
20
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,227
Oh!
21
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,104
Good morning, everyone.
22
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,482
- Whoa, did Lauren
get morning sex?
23
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,233
- Chase, asking me
that is a crime.
24
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:09,277
This smile is because today,
25
00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:12,655
I am interviewing
my dream guests.
26
00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:16,201
♪ Spend all night losing sleep ♪
27
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,661
- Oh, fuck.
28
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:20,497
Fuck.
29
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,918
Fuck.
30
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,170
- What is it, Fabian?
31
00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:29,172
- People are tweeting
that Lauren's voice
32
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:31,132
is making them sick.
33
00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:33,093
- What are you talking about?
34
00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:38,181
- "Lauren Caspian's voice
made me spew all over my car."
35
00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:39,784
- We might have to
cancel today's show.
36
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,393
- Oh, no.
37
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,358
- This post has two likes.
38
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:50,860
One by the poster
and the other by you.
39
00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:53,113
- Oh, so a topic has
to be trending before
40
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,532
you'll worry your little,
gray bean about it, bean head?
41
00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,534
- Fabian, today
is not a good time
42
00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,703
for one of your
misbegotten crusades.
43
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:03,248
- Name one
of my justice actions
44
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,834
that you found misbegotten.
45
00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:08,795
- You did try to get Walgreens
to cancel Red Nose Day
46
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,214
because it trivialized
nasal rosacea.
47
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,758
- Listen, this is important.
48
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:17,053
One tweet could be just
the tip of the iceberg.
49
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,430
What if Lauren's voice
50
00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,140
is making thousands
of people sick,
51
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,808
but they're too afraid
to come forward?
52
00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,894
- Oh, Fabian. You're
being ridiculous.
53
00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:26,354
- Maybe you're right.
54
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,065
Maybe I'm just another
shrill, ridiculous bitch.
55
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,484
I should probably, what,
like, take a chill pill?
56
00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:35,363
Huh, Doctor
Misogyn-berg? Smile more?
57
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,866
I'd probably have a hell
of a lot more friends!
58
00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:42,078
But then again, I'm
not sure I really
59
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,540
want to be friends with people
who ignore the nauseous.
60
00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:50,879
If any of y'all regrow
your micro-consciences,
61
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,505
you'll know where to find me.
62
00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:55,425
I will be the one
fighting for the people
63
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,260
no one else believes.
64
00:02:57,385 --> 00:03:01,014
- Let me know if any of them
has Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.
65
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,767
- Sandy, that's not real.
66
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,560
- So wait. Who's your
dream guest, Lauren?
67
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,187
- Oh, my dear boy.
68
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:10,690
Only the greatest
musical duo of all time.
69
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:12,317
- Oh, shit.
70
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:13,836
You're interviewing
the Ying Yang Twins?
71
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:14,860
- No, not familiar.
72
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,863
These two are like
Simon and Garfunkel
73
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,783
if they had the
courage to be lesbians.
74
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,635
- Tegan and Sara say
they're ready for Lauren.
75
00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,161
- Holy fucking shit!
76
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:25,038
They know my name!
77
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,630
If music is food for the soul,
78
00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:37,258
our next guests are
angelic confectioners.
79
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:40,387
These twin geniuses have
voiced the angst of youth
80
00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:41,763
all over the world.
81
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:46,643
And I am not just an ally,
I am also a super fan.
82
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:49,896
Tegan and Sara, welcome
to "In The Know."
83
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,147
- Wow.
84
00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:52,792
What a wonderful
introduction that was.
85
00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:55,068
- That was maybe
one of the nicest,
86
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,946
most enthusiastic, genuine
introductions we've ever had.
87
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,572
- Okay. Get it
together, Lauren.
88
00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:03,493
In a "GQ" article, you said that
89
00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:04,994
if the only milestone
you achieved
90
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,665
was a Terry Gross interview,
you would be thrilled.
91
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:11,001
What is it about my
public radio colleague
92
00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:12,752
that you find so appealing?
93
00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:16,297
- I think that the key
is that I feel very...
94
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,841
heard...
- Mm.
95
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,175
- When she's listening.
96
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,011
And that's not that...
97
00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:23,155
- A lot of people won't even
listen to what you're saying.
98
00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:24,459
- Yeah. They,
like, interrupt you
99
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:25,866
or they...
- Yes, that happens a lot.
100
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,702
And it's particularly with
straight men, I've found.
101
00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:29,436
- Yeah.
102
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,080
- It's very hard to even get
a word in edgewise, you know?
103
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,439
- It's so... It's so true.
104
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,000
- I don't know if you've
ever experienced that before,
105
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,026
but that is something
that does happen, sadly.
106
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,110
- Yep.
107
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,278
- And it's not just...
108
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:39,463
don't let anyone
gaslight you about it
109
00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:40,589
because it happens
all day, every day.
110
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:41,613
- It does happen.
111
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:42,758
- It literally
happens all the time.
112
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,176
- I don't even think
they mean to do it.
113
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,493
- Well, stay woke.
Wake up, men.
114
00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:47,412
Now, in regard to Terry Gross,
115
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:50,457
unfortunately,
that is all an act.
116
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:54,377
She's cold as an icicle
and dumb as rocks.
117
00:04:54,502 --> 00:04:56,087
We call her Very Gross.
118
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:57,315
And if you've ever seen her eat,
119
00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:59,049
you know what I'm talking about.
120
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,217
Ranch dressing seems
to linger on her lips
121
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,595
like a memory on a summer night.
122
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,555
I consider her the
marm of public radio,
123
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,599
and I don't throw that
term around lightly.
124
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:11,353
- Lauren told me Iwas
the marm of public radio.
125
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,646
- More like marmalade.
126
00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:15,482
Sweet but sophisticated.
127
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,108
- Thank you.
128
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,319
- Marmalade is the
queen of jellied fruits.
129
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,988
- Oh, Carl!
130
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:25,992
- ♪ I spent all night,
loose leaf tea ♪
131
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,578
♪ I spin banana, lose my mime ♪
132
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:32,374
♪ While I spin
banana, lose my mime ♪
133
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,543
That song is one of
my all-time favorites.
134
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,088
- "Living Room." I wrote that.
135
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,315
- And what did you
mean when you said
136
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,508
"I spin banana, lose my mime"?
137
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:43,885
- Uh, the lyric I
wrote, but who cares...
138
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,428
- Like, doesn't matter.
139
00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:47,305
- Is "spend all night
and lose my mind."
140
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,809
- Well, my understanding,
as a sapiosexual,
141
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,268
non-penetrative,
142
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,812
was if I were to spin my banana,
143
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,314
which I assumed was a
metaphor for masturbation,
144
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,024
then I would lose my mime,
145
00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:00,360
which is more about
symbolic than actual touch.
146
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:01,611
Does that make sense?
147
00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:02,612
- Yeah, it's beautiful.
148
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,057
That' great.
- That's astonishing.
149
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:05,257
- Yes, if you spin your banana,
150
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:06,950
you're no longer a mime.
151
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,153
You're just another horny,
little freak at summer camp
152
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,954
befouling his sleeping bag.
153
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,414
- Wow.
154
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,210
- Come on, people.
155
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,775
I know you're out
there.
156
00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,672
Let me help you.
157
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,966
- Hi, Fabian. Are
you doing okay?
158
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,678
- Look, it's wonderful
that you're always so eager
159
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,972
to champion marginalized groups,
160
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,181
but...
161
00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:32,517
Something's happening.
162
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,310
- I stopped therapy recently
163
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,813
because my therapist changed
offices without telling me.
164
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,982
And that was
particularly traumatic,
165
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:41,985
because my mother ghosted me
minutes after my own birth.
166
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,362
The doctor said he'd never
seen a woman in her condition
167
00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:45,822
run so fast.
168
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:46,990
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
169
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,867
You okay?
170
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,678
- Now, here's something
I've been wondering about.
171
00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:53,038
If we were all stranded
on a desert island,
172
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:55,707
what do you think
we would all eat?
173
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,476
- Yeah, I feel like if
I just had a break, I...
174
00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:00,462
I-I just... I-I'm
feeling nauseous.
175
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,047
- Mm. It's probably nerves.
176
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:04,257
Now, which one of you
is the heartthrob,
177
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,926
and which one of you
is the slutty genius?
178
00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,346
- She's getting sick.
179
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,097
On air.
180
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:12,662
This is the proof
my silent sufferers
181
00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:13,933
have been waiting for!
182
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,419
- But, Fabian,
let's not jump to...
183
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:17,812
- Please stop talking.
184
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,206
- My girlfriend,
also named Lauren,
185
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:20,291
looks a lot like me.
- Please, please...
186
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:21,524
- Now, does that make me
187
00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:23,943
an honorary identical
twin lesbian?
188
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:26,029
- I'm so sorry.
I can't do this.
189
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,781
- What? No.
190
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,074
- Great to meet you, Lauren.
191
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,239
Best of luck.
- No, no, no.
192
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,702
Please, please, please, please.
193
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:33,953
Please.
194
00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:37,957
- We don't know that Lauren's
voice made Tegan sick.
195
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,751
- We don't know that it didn't.
196
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,336
It needs to be investigated.
197
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,172
- What's #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow?
198
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,965
- It's a Discord
group I created.
199
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,425
- Fabian, don't you think
200
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,070
you're blowing this whole
thing out of proportion?
201
00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,595
- I refuse to be silent
202
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,515
while Lauren terrorizes
America with his wet vowels.
203
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,851
- They cut it short.
204
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,812
- Oh, Lauren, I'm so sorry.
205
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:02,732
- Tegan or Sara had what I
assume were moontime cramps.
206
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,151
But it's odd that Tegan or
Sara didn't have them too
207
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,362
because their cycles
must be synced.
208
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,739
Unless one of them is pregnant.
209
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,950
With twins.
210
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:14,911
- Lauren, it wasn't
moontime cramps.
211
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,329
It was your voice.
212
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:17,288
- Absurd.
213
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,666
Also, if, and I mean if
214
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:21,334
my voice had anything
to do with it,
215
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,753
it's because of Carl's
antique machinery.
216
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:24,921
- Stop right there!
217
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:27,507
That's a Yamaha TF3 console.
218
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:30,260
It has 48 channels,
25 motorized faders,
219
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:32,512
and 8 FX processors.
220
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,432
If there is a God, she
mics up through that.
221
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,434
- Well, then how else
do you explain it?
222
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,520
The Queens of Calgary just left
me with Socratic blue balls.
223
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:44,524
- Oh, the community grows.
224
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:47,193
There are now five
courageous victims
225
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,529
using the hashtag
#InTheKnowMakesMeBlow.
226
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:50,697
- Hello.
227
00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:51,823
We partying up in here?
228
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:54,325
- No, like blow chunks.
229
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:57,078
- I blew a guy
named Chunks once.
230
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,955
Just for the story.
231
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,915
We ended up falling
in fucking love.
232
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,921
- Lauren, there's nothing
wrong with your voice.
233
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,462
And if it makes anyone sick,
they can just not tune in.
234
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,130
- Really?
235
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,132
Would you tell a person
who uses a wheelchair
236
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,676
to just not enter a
building without ramps?
237
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,261
Well, guess what?
238
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,889
That building is their house.
239
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,058
- Oh, shit. For real?
240
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:22,562
Listen, we've all had a long
first 18 minutes of work.
241
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:23,687
- You know what?
242
00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,374
Twitter is an echo
chamber of Russian bots.
243
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,150
Let's go live to the listeners
244
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,875
and ask them what they
think of my voice.
245
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:32,072
- Oh, Lauren, I really don't
think that's necessary.
246
00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:33,907
- Good afternoon, folks.
247
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,034
Some internet
trolls have claimed
248
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:38,536
that my voice causes nausea.
249
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:40,997
- If you or a family
member has been a victim
250
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,916
of Lauren Caspian's
sound poisoning,
251
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:45,001
please call in now.
252
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,505
Use your voice to
bravely silence his.
253
00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,965
- We want to hear from
you, our beloved fans.
254
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,926
Hello, caller.
255
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,552
You're on the air.
- Um, hi.
256
00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:56,304
My name's Darryl
from Staten Island.
257
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,599
- Ah. The island
that is Staten.
258
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:02,977
- Yeah, so about your voice,
it doesn't make me sick.
259
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,105
- Thank you, Darryl.
260
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,898
- But it does piss me off!
261
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:08,400
- I beg pardon?
262
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,819
- It's pretentious,
the weird pauses.
263
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,279
"The island that is Staten."
264
00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:15,156
You sound like a
cuck William Shatner.
265
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,325
- I'm... I'm not sure
I know what you mean.
266
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,868
- There! You did it again.
267
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,036
Barf!
268
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,624
- Speaking truth to power.
269
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:25,875
- Fuck, man.
270
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:28,253
Chunks.
271
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:30,588
I guess I still really miss him.
272
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:36,594
- Next. You're on.
273
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,888
- Hi, first time listener,
long time caller.
274
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:40,223
- Mm.
275
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,575
- I didn't realize
it till you said it,
276
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,685
but your voice does kind
of make me feel ill.
277
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,311
- Okay. But I'm sure...
278
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:46,980
- Think subtle.
279
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,024
Like, a small but very
angry child punched me
280
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,567
straight in the belly...
- Goodbye.
281
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:53,111
- Or that feeling when you've
disappointed a loved one
282
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,572
or you have to take
a terrible crap.
283
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:56,573
- But those should
feel different.
284
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:57,782
Next.
285
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,409
- Hi. Am I on?
- Mm-hmm.
286
00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,345
- Have you heard of the
Lauren Caspian challenge?
287
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,912
- Of course.
288
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,515
Our station-sponsored
charity dance competition.
289
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:07,167
- Oh, no, no, no, no, it's
this thing I started on TikTok
290
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:08,732
where you drink half
a gallon of milk
291
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,730
and you see how long you
can listen to your voice
292
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:11,796
without ralphing.
- What?
293
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,173
- Honestly, I can't believe
294
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:14,692
that I've been talking
to you this long
295
00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:17,635
without...
296
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,972
- The people have been heard.
297
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,432
- Hmm.
298
00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,060
- And I'm afraid our
lines are now closed.
299
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,227
- Hello.
300
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,021
Am I on?
301
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,356
- Seriously, Carl?
302
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:31,316
- Sorry, last one.
303
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:35,111
- Mr. Caspian, this is
Susan from Winnipeg again.
304
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,322
- Yeah. And my voice makes
you want to inject bleach.
305
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:38,615
- Oh.
306
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,700
Oh, heavens no.
307
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,078
We here in Winnipeg
love your voice.
308
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,996
- Really?
309
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:48,375
- May I ask what
Winnipeggers like about it?
310
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:53,588
- Oh, um, well, it's smooth.
- Smooth.
311
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,674
- And very...
312
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,175
medium...
- Mm.
313
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,886
- And sort of sexy.
314
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:04,224
- Susan, if I could be so bold
as to return the complement,
315
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,643
you have a very
sexy voice yourself.
316
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,061
- Oh.
317
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,729
- Hey, pervert, you're
talking to Barb.
318
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,064
- No, you're not.
319
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,233
- Ugh! Barb!
320
00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:14,901
Now I need to go throw up.
321
00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,026
Ugh!
322
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,198
- The lunch I find
is my base layer,
323
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,575
but then I add my
own little flourishes
324
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,202
to bring it to life.
325
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:26,347
- Thank you for passing on
your wisdom before you die.
326
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,517
- You okay, Lauren?
327
00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:31,918
- I just survived a
modern-day public stoning.
328
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,128
- I get it, man.
329
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,088
I make people sick all the time.
330
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:38,174
I once accidentally
distributed asbestos cigarettes
331
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,719
at a "Rocky Horror
Picture Show."
332
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,263
They did the time warp forever.
333
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,932
And soon, so will I.
334
00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:48,977
- What am I going to do?
My voice is everything.
335
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,102
- Dude, Patrick from
"SpongeBob" has a weird voice,
336
00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:53,982
and he's one of the
hottest men alive.
337
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,568
- This is my 9/11.
338
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,486
- Testing.
339
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,697
Testing one, two.
340
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,615
- Sounds good, Sandy.
341
00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:05,243
Season's greetings,
movie mavens.
342
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:09,330
This week, I'm diving into
some scalding hot new releases.
343
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:13,918
First up, "the Godfather,"
AKA "The Yawn Father."
344
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:16,338
Stick to making wine, Francis.
345
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:19,883
But just as I was about to
give up on cinema forever,
346
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:23,887
along came Linkard
Richlater's "Boyhood."
347
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,514
It took 12 years
to make this movie.
348
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,141
Consider that.
349
00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:31,644
For 12 years, every
man, woman, and child
350
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:34,898
had to live on set,
never allowed to leave.
351
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,525
They ate there, slept
there, and at times,
352
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,653
surely had to be kept there
through the aid of fences
353
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,906
and physical violence.
354
00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,783
But at the end of the
day, they made a movie,
355
00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:47,911
and movies make so much money.
356
00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:51,915
I'd call that time well spent.
357
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,376
It's been an honor to
review the newest flicks
358
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:57,587
in Hollyweird for you, my
fine, feathered friends.
359
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,839
May I rest in peace.
360
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:03,385
Kooter over and Kooter out.
361
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,928
- Great farewell review, Sandy.
362
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:07,847
One of your best.
See you next week.
363
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,850
- Barb, please.
You're my producer.
364
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,977
Stop catfishing me and fix this.
365
00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:16,856
- Aw. Based on listener
data, lot of our audience
366
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,525
listens to the show in the car.
367
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:19,693
- So what?
368
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,403
- Well, I was just thinking.
369
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,030
When I was a girl, I needed
to sit in the front seat
370
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,574
so I could see the road
and not get carsick.
371
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,844
So maybe some people just need
to see you while you're...
372
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,370
- Wait, wait, wait. Shut up.
373
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,038
I was just thinking.
374
00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,183
When I was a girl, I needed
to sit in the front seat
375
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,584
so I could see the road
and not get carsick.
376
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:40,880
So maybe some people just need
to see me while I'm speaking.
377
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,008
- That's a great idea, Lauren.
378
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:44,735
- My fucking
God, my fucking God...
379
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:46,886
- So we'll be able to
see real-time comments
380
00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,680
using this application?
381
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,433
- Application? Yes, Boomer.
382
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,644
- Oh, he looks so handsome.
383
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,563
- Handsome like a chode.
384
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:03,820
- Welcome, listeners
and viewers,
385
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:07,949
to a special live stream with
comedy queen, Nicole Byer.
386
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,535
- Hi.
- Welcome to "In The Know."
387
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,037
- How are you?
388
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,956
- Oh,
it's already so fun!
389
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,484
Now, Nicole, can
you please explain
390
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,169
to me how a joke works?
391
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,004
- Sure.
392
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:24,257
So you have a setup, which
is what the joke is about.
393
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,926
- You lure them into your trap?
- Yep.
394
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:30,430
And then you give them a
punch, which is the funny part.
395
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,140
- Mm.
396
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,035
- That's when like a bear
trap captures the bear leg.
397
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:37,854
And then a twist is
something unexpected.
398
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,357
And a button would be
like the end of it.
399
00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:41,858
- I never realized how much
400
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,985
the language of violence
pervades comedy.
401
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:46,196
First, you set them up,
then you punch them,
402
00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:47,989
then you twist them
and then you button up
403
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,992
the body bag over
their mangled corpse.
404
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,453
- Yeah. Or it's like one
of them Bop It games.
405
00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,873
- Yes, exactly, when there's
those rodents that appear
406
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,017
and you bop them
with the mallet.
407
00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,876
Is that right?
408
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:02,837
No, I meant the toy, like
bop it, twist it, pull it.
409
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,381
- Whac-a-mole.
410
00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,525
- No, it's called Bop It.
You know, it's like a game.
411
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:09,010
It's a black thing. It says
"Bop It" in the middle.
412
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,154
And then...
- It's a Black thing.
413
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:12,013
That's why I don't understand.
414
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:14,140
- And I would never
appropriate the culture.
415
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:16,559
Bop It. It's like
hip-hop it and bop it.
416
00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:17,894
And this is a Black thing.
417
00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:20,814
And I would never
deign to enter into
418
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,816
that cultural space
unless invited.
419
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,527
Now, we're going to
try something next
420
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,820
where I tell you a joke
421
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:29,114
and then you explain
to me why it is funny.
422
00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,657
Is that all right?
- Okay, yes.
423
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,992
- Why didn't Hitler
drink tequila?
424
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,411
- Why?
425
00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:37,706
- It made him mean. Can
you explain that joke?
426
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,332
- Um, I guess it's
a joke because
427
00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:43,128
Hitler was already very mean
and he didn't need the tequila?
428
00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:44,814
- I'm going to stop you
right there, Nicole.
429
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,440
I think it's an understatement
to describe Hitler as mean.
430
00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:47,716
- Okay?
431
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:48,842
- Yes.
432
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:49,718
- And I have to...
and I love your work
433
00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,011
and I admire you as a fan,
434
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:52,405
but I have to take
issue with that.
435
00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:54,014
- Okay.
436
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:54,889
- If you're going to
describe Adolf Hitler...
437
00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,141
- Uh-huh.
438
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,576
- Ethnic cleanser and
executioner of the masses,
439
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,852
as simply mean...
- Yeah.
440
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,538
- I have to ask you to
use stronger language.
441
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,939
- Yeah. Rude, nasty...
442
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:04,899
- Nasty.
- Vulgar.
443
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:06,210
- Good. Now we're
getting somewhere.
444
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,111
He was a vulgar, nasty boy.
445
00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:09,320
- Yeah, very nasty boy.
446
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:12,490
And I don't... I don't like him.
447
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,450
- What are people saying?
448
00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:16,077
- Oh.
449
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:19,622
"This guy looks like the stork
who brings miscarriages."
450
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:21,791
Wow, that is so mean.
451
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:25,128
- "Homeboy face uglier
than the devil's doo-doo."
452
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,671
- Yikes.
453
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,965
- "His face looks like
the physical manifestation
454
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,800
of the word touché."
455
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:32,927
- Barb, I think it's
pronounced tushy.
456
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,806
- "Someone put this tragic
dildo back in the trash."
457
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,475
- Well, the good news is that
458
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,828
while viewers are brutally
insulting Lauren's appearance,
459
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,271
no one seems to be throwing up.
460
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,899
- Nicole Byer, do you think
my voice is disgusting?
461
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:48,234
- I do not think your
voice is disgusting.
462
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,028
If anything, I think
it's very soothing.
463
00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:52,238
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
464
00:17:52,364 --> 00:17:54,008
- Because there's some
trolls on the internet,
465
00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:56,409
a very small number, but
they've been quite emphatic
466
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:58,870
that my voice makes
them want to spew.
467
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:00,330
- No.
468
00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:01,557
I mean,
if you sounded like this,
469
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,750
then maybe I'd be
upset about it.
470
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,269
But you
don't sound like that.
471
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:07,754
- So if I sound sort of like
a hillbilly Louis Armstrong,
472
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:09,589
then they would have
a foot to stand on.
473
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,592
But as it currently stands,
they have no foot to stand on.
474
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,469
- No feet.
- Zero feet.
475
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:15,845
They've been befeeted.
476
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,597
- They've been befeeted, yes.
- Mm.
477
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:19,182
You're wise, Ms. Byer.
478
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,976
And that is why I
won't change my voice
479
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:23,561
or my body for anybody.
480
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,647
And in the words of
Shakira Aguilera,
481
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,774
"Words can't bring me down."
482
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:29,859
- Did you say Shakira Aguilera?
- That's correct.
483
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,361
- Okay.
484
00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:32,505
- I'm Lauren Caspian
with Nicole Byer,
485
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,823
and we are enough.
486
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:35,949
- And cut.
487
00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:37,617
Great work, guys!
488
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,369
- Oh! What a rush.
489
00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,621
I feel so empowered.
490
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,207
What were the comments like?
491
00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:45,932
- The important thing
is no one got sick.
492
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,544
- Holy shit!
493
00:18:47,669 --> 00:18:49,921
Someone watching the
live stream just died.
494
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,381
- What?
495
00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:53,049
- And it's because of Lauren.
496
00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,968
- How could you
possibly know that?
497
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:58,805
- The guy commented, "Oh,
God. What's happening to me?
498
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:02,350
"It's so hot in here. I'm
going to die. I'm dying.
499
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:03,727
You did this."
500
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:08,565
- "In the soil
watered by your blood,
501
00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:12,527
the tree of
revolution will grow."
502
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,175
- Yes, the death of a
listener is serious.
503
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,744
Please relay our
apologies to our sponsors.
504
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,707
LendingTree
is pulling out too?
505
00:19:22,746 --> 00:19:24,164
No, please tell
them that we still
506
00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:25,957
have plenty of living
audience members
507
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:27,375
who need weird, little loans.
508
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,500
- Where's Lauren?
509
00:19:28,585 --> 00:19:30,503
I'm planning his
victim's funeral,
510
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,964
and I need his
credit card number.
511
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,636
Hey, Chase, have
you seen Lauren?
512
00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:40,055
- Nah.
513
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,973
I haven't seen him in years.
514
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,558
- What?
515
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,935
- His laugh was like
raindrops on a camping tent.
516
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:48,104
And his hog was awesome.
517
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:52,980
Whoa, what happened to you?
518
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:54,319
- Did you listen to yourself?
519
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,988
- I OD'd on throat comfort tea
520
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:59,032
and had to get my
stomach pumped.
521
00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:01,201
- And yet, your voice
sounds the same.
522
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,245
- I'm only here to record
a resignation video.
523
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,790
"Love Actually" style, no audio.
524
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,583
- Tragic times, dude.
525
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,877
But, Lauren, you can't
go on looking like that.
526
00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:12,212
Someone else might die.
527
00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,422
- I'll get a tote bag
to put over his head.
528
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,007
- Not necessary.
529
00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:18,069
Chunks and I used to watch
"Ambush Makeover" together.
530
00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:19,552
He'd always comment on how
531
00:20:19,678 --> 00:20:21,781
the foundation on their faces
never matched their necks.
532
00:20:21,805 --> 00:20:23,848
God, he was so smart.
533
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:26,059
Anyway, I'll glow you up, brah.
534
00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:27,686
- Thank you, Chase.
535
00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:30,438
I need to look my best so
I can go out with dignity.
536
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,774
- Oh...
537
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:35,127
he looks like an undercover cop
at an Avril Lavigne concert.
538
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:38,071
- But his face and
neck, same color.
539
00:20:38,196 --> 00:20:40,365
- We're going out
together, old friend.
540
00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:42,367
Me with the death of my body.
541
00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:44,661
You with the death
of your career.
542
00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:14,774
- Stop the tape!
543
00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:17,027
Nobody murdered anyone!
544
00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:18,792
I just got off the
phone with the coroner,
545
00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:21,322
and he told me the cause
of death wasn't Lauren.
546
00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:22,949
- Wait, you talked
to the coroner?
547
00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:24,367
- He's on my husband's case.
548
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:27,162
- Oh, I know that
coroner. Guy's a prick.
549
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:28,788
Won't even let you
touch the bodies.
550
00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:31,082
- Wait, but if it wasn't
my voice, then what was it?
551
00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:34,544
- Apparently, he died
of something called
552
00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:36,463
Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.
553
00:21:36,588 --> 00:21:38,798
- Oh, no.
- Isn't that what Sandy has?
554
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,135
- I should have believed you.
555
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:44,804
- And poor, sweet
Sandy's numbered days
556
00:21:44,888 --> 00:21:46,556
grow fewer still.
557
00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:48,141
- And that's very sad.
558
00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:51,144
But the important thing is
my voice didn't kill anyone.
559
00:21:51,269 --> 00:21:52,437
I'm not a murderer!
560
00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:53,646
- Not so fast.
561
00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:54,689
He may not be a murderer,
562
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:56,294
but his voice still
makes people sick.
563
00:21:56,399 --> 00:21:57,692
Remember what happened to Tegan?
564
00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,277
- Nope.
565
00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:01,821
Their manager emailed me
that Tegan faked being sick
566
00:22:01,946 --> 00:22:04,574
because Lauren's questions
were making them uncomfortable.
567
00:22:04,741 --> 00:22:06,201
- She wasn't really sick!
568
00:22:06,326 --> 00:22:08,370
She was uncomfortable
because she felt so seen!
569
00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:10,205
- Right.
570
00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:12,749
- You're going to believe
some government coroner
571
00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:16,336
over the lived experience
of a dying man?
572
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,757
#BelieveDyingMen.
573
00:22:20,882 --> 00:22:22,425
- Crank me up, Carl!
574
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:24,469
The bitch is back!
575
00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:36,815
- Sandy Kooter, Dr. Bronner
will heal you now.
576
00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:43,863
- It's you.
577
00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:46,282
Oh, yeah!
578
00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:48,660
Spaceship Earth, baby!
42052
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