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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,801 - Before I leave this Earth, 2 00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:12,762 I want you to have this feather boa. 3 00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:16,683 One of my johns from the '80s used to choke me out with it. 4 00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:19,102 He used to kick the shit out of me. 5 00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:22,397 - Wow. Thank you. 6 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,607 - Did Sandy tell you he's dying? 7 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:27,402 - Dr. Bronner diagnosed him with Anderson Coo-pie-is. 8 00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:29,738 - Anders Schmidt Vulvitis. 9 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,656 I-it's terminal. 10 00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:33,867 - Sandy, we've been over this. 11 00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,995 Dr. Bronner's is a cult-y soap company. 12 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,955 He's not an actual physician. 13 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,750 - Well, every time I email customer service 14 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:45,962 with my symptoms, I always receive a diagnosis. 15 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:49,674 Carl, I want you to have this frisbee 16 00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:52,177 that once belonged to Sirhan Sirhan. 17 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,803 - No, thanks. 18 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,807 - ♪ I hope I never figure out who broke your heart ♪ 19 00:00:57,932 --> 00:00:59,351 ♪ Maybe if I do... ♪ 20 00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,227 Oh! 21 00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,104 Good morning, everyone. 22 00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,482 - Whoa, did Lauren get morning sex? 23 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,233 - Chase, asking me that is a crime. 24 00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:09,277 This smile is because today, 25 00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:12,655 I am interviewing my dream guests. 26 00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:16,201 ♪ Spend all night losing sleep ♪ 27 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,661 - Oh, fuck. 28 00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:20,497 Fuck. 29 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,918 Fuck. 30 00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,170 - What is it, Fabian? 31 00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:29,172 - People are tweeting that Lauren's voice 32 00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:31,132 is making them sick. 33 00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:33,093 - What are you talking about? 34 00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:38,181 - "Lauren Caspian's voice made me spew all over my car." 35 00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:39,784 - We might have to cancel today's show. 36 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,393 - Oh, no. 37 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,358 - This post has two likes. 38 00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:50,860 One by the poster and the other by you. 39 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:53,113 - Oh, so a topic has to be trending before 40 00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,532 you'll worry your little, gray bean about it, bean head? 41 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,534 - Fabian, today is not a good time 42 00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,703 for one of your misbegotten crusades. 43 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:03,248 - Name one of my justice actions 44 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,834 that you found misbegotten. 45 00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:08,795 - You did try to get Walgreens to cancel Red Nose Day 46 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,214 because it trivialized nasal rosacea. 47 00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,758 - Listen, this is important. 48 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:17,053 One tweet could be just the tip of the iceberg. 49 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,430 What if Lauren's voice 50 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,140 is making thousands of people sick, 51 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,808 but they're too afraid to come forward? 52 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,894 - Oh, Fabian. You're being ridiculous. 53 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:26,354 - Maybe you're right. 54 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,065 Maybe I'm just another shrill, ridiculous bitch. 55 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,484 I should probably, what, like, take a chill pill? 56 00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:35,363 Huh, Doctor Misogyn-berg? Smile more? 57 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,866 I'd probably have a hell of a lot more friends! 58 00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:42,078 But then again, I'm not sure I really 59 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,540 want to be friends with people who ignore the nauseous. 60 00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:50,879 If any of y'all regrow your micro-consciences, 61 00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,505 you'll know where to find me. 62 00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:55,425 I will be the one fighting for the people 63 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,260 no one else believes. 64 00:02:57,385 --> 00:03:01,014 - Let me know if any of them has Anders Schmidt Vulvitis. 65 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,767 - Sandy, that's not real. 66 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,560 - So wait. Who's your dream guest, Lauren? 67 00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,187 - Oh, my dear boy. 68 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:10,690 Only the greatest musical duo of all time. 69 00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:12,317 - Oh, shit. 70 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:13,836 You're interviewing the Ying Yang Twins? 71 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:14,860 - No, not familiar. 72 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,863 These two are like Simon and Garfunkel 73 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,783 if they had the courage to be lesbians. 74 00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,635 - Tegan and Sara say they're ready for Lauren. 75 00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,161 - Holy fucking shit! 76 00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:25,038 They know my name! 77 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,630 If music is food for the soul, 78 00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:37,258 our next guests are angelic confectioners. 79 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:40,387 These twin geniuses have voiced the angst of youth 80 00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:41,763 all over the world. 81 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:46,643 And I am not just an ally, I am also a super fan. 82 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:49,896 Tegan and Sara, welcome to "In The Know." 83 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,147 - Wow. 84 00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:52,792 What a wonderful introduction that was. 85 00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:55,068 - That was maybe one of the nicest, 86 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,946 most enthusiastic, genuine introductions we've ever had. 87 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,572 - Okay. Get it together, Lauren. 88 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:03,493 In a "GQ" article, you said that 89 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:04,994 if the only milestone you achieved 90 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,665 was a Terry Gross interview, you would be thrilled. 91 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:11,001 What is it about my public radio colleague 92 00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:12,752 that you find so appealing? 93 00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:16,297 - I think that the key is that I feel very... 94 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,841 heard... - Mm. 95 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,175 - When she's listening. 96 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,011 And that's not that... 97 00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:23,155 - A lot of people won't even listen to what you're saying. 98 00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:24,459 - Yeah. They, like, interrupt you 99 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:25,866 or they... - Yes, that happens a lot. 100 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,702 And it's particularly with straight men, I've found. 101 00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:29,436 - Yeah. 102 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,080 - It's very hard to even get a word in edgewise, you know? 103 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,439 - It's so... It's so true. 104 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,000 - I don't know if you've ever experienced that before, 105 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,026 but that is something that does happen, sadly. 106 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,110 - Yep. 107 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,278 - And it's not just... 108 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:39,463 don't let anyone gaslight you about it 109 00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:40,589 because it happens all day, every day. 110 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:41,613 - It does happen. 111 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:42,758 - It literally happens all the time. 112 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,176 - I don't even think they mean to do it. 113 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,493 - Well, stay woke. Wake up, men. 114 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:47,412 Now, in regard to Terry Gross, 115 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:50,457 unfortunately, that is all an act. 116 00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:54,377 She's cold as an icicle and dumb as rocks. 117 00:04:54,502 --> 00:04:56,087 We call her Very Gross. 118 00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:57,315 And if you've ever seen her eat, 119 00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:59,049 you know what I'm talking about. 120 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,217 Ranch dressing seems to linger on her lips 121 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,595 like a memory on a summer night. 122 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,555 I consider her the marm of public radio, 123 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,599 and I don't throw that term around lightly. 124 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:11,353 - Lauren told me Iwas the marm of public radio. 125 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,646 - More like marmalade. 126 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:15,482 Sweet but sophisticated. 127 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,108 - Thank you. 128 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,319 - Marmalade is the queen of jellied fruits. 129 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,988 - Oh, Carl! 130 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:25,992 - ♪ I spent all night, loose leaf tea ♪ 131 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,578 ♪ I spin banana, lose my mime ♪ 132 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:32,374 ♪ While I spin banana, lose my mime ♪ 133 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,543 That song is one of my all-time favorites. 134 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,088 - "Living Room." I wrote that. 135 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,315 - And what did you mean when you said 136 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,508 "I spin banana, lose my mime"? 137 00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:43,885 - Uh, the lyric I wrote, but who cares... 138 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,428 - Like, doesn't matter. 139 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:47,305 - Is "spend all night and lose my mind." 140 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,809 - Well, my understanding, as a sapiosexual, 141 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,268 non-penetrative, 142 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,812 was if I were to spin my banana, 143 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,314 which I assumed was a metaphor for masturbation, 144 00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,024 then I would lose my mime, 145 00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:00,360 which is more about symbolic than actual touch. 146 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:01,611 Does that make sense? 147 00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:02,612 - Yeah, it's beautiful. 148 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,057 That' great. - That's astonishing. 149 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:05,257 - Yes, if you spin your banana, 150 00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:06,950 you're no longer a mime. 151 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,153 You're just another horny, little freak at summer camp 152 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,954 befouling his sleeping bag. 153 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,414 - Wow. 154 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,210 - Come on, people. 155 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,775 I know you're out there. 156 00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,672 Let me help you. 157 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,966 - Hi, Fabian. Are you doing okay? 158 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,678 - Look, it's wonderful that you're always so eager 159 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,972 to champion marginalized groups, 160 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,181 but... 161 00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:32,517 Something's happening. 162 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,310 - I stopped therapy recently 163 00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,813 because my therapist changed offices without telling me. 164 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,982 And that was particularly traumatic, 165 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:41,985 because my mother ghosted me minutes after my own birth. 166 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,362 The doctor said he'd never seen a woman in her condition 167 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:45,822 run so fast. 168 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:46,990 - Hmm. - Hmm. 169 00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,867 You okay? 170 00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,678 - Now, here's something I've been wondering about. 171 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:53,038 If we were all stranded on a desert island, 172 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:55,707 what do you think we would all eat? 173 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,476 - Yeah, I feel like if I just had a break, I... 174 00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:00,462 I-I just... I-I'm feeling nauseous. 175 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,047 - Mm. It's probably nerves. 176 00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:04,257 Now, which one of you is the heartthrob, 177 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,926 and which one of you is the slutty genius? 178 00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,346 - She's getting sick. 179 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,097 On air. 180 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:12,662 This is the proof my silent sufferers 181 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:13,933 have been waiting for! 182 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,419 - But, Fabian, let's not jump to... 183 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:17,812 - Please stop talking. 184 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,206 - My girlfriend, also named Lauren, 185 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:20,291 looks a lot like me. - Please, please... 186 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:21,524 - Now, does that make me 187 00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:23,943 an honorary identical twin lesbian? 188 00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:26,029 - I'm so sorry. I can't do this. 189 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,781 - What? No. 190 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,074 - Great to meet you, Lauren. 191 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,239 Best of luck. - No, no, no. 192 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,702 Please, please, please, please. 193 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:33,953 Please. 194 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:37,957 - We don't know that Lauren's voice made Tegan sick. 195 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,751 - We don't know that it didn't. 196 00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,336 It needs to be investigated. 197 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,172 - What's #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow? 198 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,965 - It's a Discord group I created. 199 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,425 - Fabian, don't you think 200 00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,070 you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion? 201 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,595 - I refuse to be silent 202 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,515 while Lauren terrorizes America with his wet vowels. 203 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,851 - They cut it short. 204 00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,812 - Oh, Lauren, I'm so sorry. 205 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:02,732 - Tegan or Sara had what I assume were moontime cramps. 206 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,151 But it's odd that Tegan or Sara didn't have them too 207 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,362 because their cycles must be synced. 208 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,739 Unless one of them is pregnant. 209 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,950 With twins. 210 00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:14,911 - Lauren, it wasn't moontime cramps. 211 00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,329 It was your voice. 212 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:17,288 - Absurd. 213 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,666 Also, if, and I mean if 214 00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:21,334 my voice had anything to do with it, 215 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,753 it's because of Carl's antique machinery. 216 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:24,921 - Stop right there! 217 00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:27,507 That's a Yamaha TF3 console. 218 00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:30,260 It has 48 channels, 25 motorized faders, 219 00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:32,512 and 8 FX processors. 220 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,432 If there is a God, she mics up through that. 221 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,434 - Well, then how else do you explain it? 222 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,520 The Queens of Calgary just left me with Socratic blue balls. 223 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:44,524 - Oh, the community grows. 224 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:47,193 There are now five courageous victims 225 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,529 using the hashtag #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow. 226 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:50,697 - Hello. 227 00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:51,823 We partying up in here? 228 00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:54,325 - No, like blow chunks. 229 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:57,078 - I blew a guy named Chunks once. 230 00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,955 Just for the story. 231 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,915 We ended up falling in fucking love. 232 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,921 - Lauren, there's nothing wrong with your voice. 233 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,462 And if it makes anyone sick, they can just not tune in. 234 00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,130 - Really? 235 00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,132 Would you tell a person who uses a wheelchair 236 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,676 to just not enter a building without ramps? 237 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,261 Well, guess what? 238 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,889 That building is their house. 239 00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,058 - Oh, shit. For real? 240 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:22,562 Listen, we've all had a long first 18 minutes of work. 241 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:23,687 - You know what? 242 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,374 Twitter is an echo chamber of Russian bots. 243 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,150 Let's go live to the listeners 244 00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,875 and ask them what they think of my voice. 245 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:32,072 - Oh, Lauren, I really don't think that's necessary. 246 00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:33,907 - Good afternoon, folks. 247 00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,034 Some internet trolls have claimed 248 00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:38,536 that my voice causes nausea. 249 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:40,997 - If you or a family member has been a victim 250 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,916 of Lauren Caspian's sound poisoning, 251 00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:45,001 please call in now. 252 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,505 Use your voice to bravely silence his. 253 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,965 - We want to hear from you, our beloved fans. 254 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,926 Hello, caller. 255 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,552 You're on the air. - Um, hi. 256 00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:56,304 My name's Darryl from Staten Island. 257 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,599 - Ah. The island that is Staten. 258 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:02,977 - Yeah, so about your voice, it doesn't make me sick. 259 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,105 - Thank you, Darryl. 260 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,898 - But it does piss me off! 261 00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:08,400 - I beg pardon? 262 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,819 - It's pretentious, the weird pauses. 263 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,279 "The island that is Staten." 264 00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:15,156 You sound like a cuck William Shatner. 265 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,325 - I'm... I'm not sure I know what you mean. 266 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,868 - There! You did it again. 267 00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,036 Barf! 268 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,624 - Speaking truth to power. 269 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:25,875 - Fuck, man. 270 00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:28,253 Chunks. 271 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:30,588 I guess I still really miss him. 272 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:36,594 - Next. You're on. 273 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,888 - Hi, first time listener, long time caller. 274 00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:40,223 - Mm. 275 00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,575 - I didn't realize it till you said it, 276 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,685 but your voice does kind of make me feel ill. 277 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,311 - Okay. But I'm sure... 278 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:46,980 - Think subtle. 279 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,024 Like, a small but very angry child punched me 280 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,567 straight in the belly... - Goodbye. 281 00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:53,111 - Or that feeling when you've disappointed a loved one 282 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,572 or you have to take a terrible crap. 283 00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:56,573 - But those should feel different. 284 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:57,782 Next. 285 00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,409 - Hi. Am I on? - Mm-hmm. 286 00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,345 - Have you heard of the Lauren Caspian challenge? 287 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,912 - Of course. 288 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,515 Our station-sponsored charity dance competition. 289 00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:07,167 - Oh, no, no, no, no, it's this thing I started on TikTok 290 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:08,732 where you drink half a gallon of milk 291 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,730 and you see how long you can listen to your voice 292 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:11,796 without ralphing. - What? 293 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,173 - Honestly, I can't believe 294 00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:14,692 that I've been talking to you this long 295 00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:17,635 without... 296 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,972 - The people have been heard. 297 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,432 - Hmm. 298 00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,060 - And I'm afraid our lines are now closed. 299 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,227 - Hello. 300 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,021 Am I on? 301 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,356 - Seriously, Carl? 302 00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:31,316 - Sorry, last one. 303 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:35,111 - Mr. Caspian, this is Susan from Winnipeg again. 304 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,322 - Yeah. And my voice makes you want to inject bleach. 305 00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:38,615 - Oh. 306 00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,700 Oh, heavens no. 307 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,078 We here in Winnipeg love your voice. 308 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,996 - Really? 309 00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:48,375 - May I ask what Winnipeggers like about it? 310 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:53,588 - Oh, um, well, it's smooth. - Smooth. 311 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,674 - And very... 312 00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,175 medium... - Mm. 313 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,886 - And sort of sexy. 314 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:04,224 - Susan, if I could be so bold as to return the complement, 315 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,643 you have a very sexy voice yourself. 316 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,061 - Oh. 317 00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,729 - Hey, pervert, you're talking to Barb. 318 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,064 - No, you're not. 319 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,233 - Ugh! Barb! 320 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:14,901 Now I need to go throw up. 321 00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,026 Ugh! 322 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,198 - The lunch I find is my base layer, 323 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,575 but then I add my own little flourishes 324 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,202 to bring it to life. 325 00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:26,347 - Thank you for passing on your wisdom before you die. 326 00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,517 - You okay, Lauren? 327 00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:31,918 - I just survived a modern-day public stoning. 328 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,128 - I get it, man. 329 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,088 I make people sick all the time. 330 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:38,174 I once accidentally distributed asbestos cigarettes 331 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,719 at a "Rocky Horror Picture Show." 332 00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,263 They did the time warp forever. 333 00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,932 And soon, so will I. 334 00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:48,977 - What am I going to do? My voice is everything. 335 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,102 - Dude, Patrick from "SpongeBob" has a weird voice, 336 00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:53,982 and he's one of the hottest men alive. 337 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,568 - This is my 9/11. 338 00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,486 - Testing. 339 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,697 Testing one, two. 340 00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,615 - Sounds good, Sandy. 341 00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:05,243 Season's greetings, movie mavens. 342 00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:09,330 This week, I'm diving into some scalding hot new releases. 343 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:13,918 First up, "the Godfather," AKA "The Yawn Father." 344 00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:16,338 Stick to making wine, Francis. 345 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:19,883 But just as I was about to give up on cinema forever, 346 00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:23,887 along came Linkard Richlater's "Boyhood." 347 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,514 It took 12 years to make this movie. 348 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,141 Consider that. 349 00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:31,644 For 12 years, every man, woman, and child 350 00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:34,898 had to live on set, never allowed to leave. 351 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,525 They ate there, slept there, and at times, 352 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,653 surely had to be kept there through the aid of fences 353 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,906 and physical violence. 354 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,783 But at the end of the day, they made a movie, 355 00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:47,911 and movies make so much money. 356 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:51,915 I'd call that time well spent. 357 00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,376 It's been an honor to review the newest flicks 358 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:57,587 in Hollyweird for you, my fine, feathered friends. 359 00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,839 May I rest in peace. 360 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:03,385 Kooter over and Kooter out. 361 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,928 - Great farewell review, Sandy. 362 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:07,847 One of your best. See you next week. 363 00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,850 - Barb, please. You're my producer. 364 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,977 Stop catfishing me and fix this. 365 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:16,856 - Aw. Based on listener data, lot of our audience 366 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,525 listens to the show in the car. 367 00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:19,693 - So what? 368 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,403 - Well, I was just thinking. 369 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,030 When I was a girl, I needed to sit in the front seat 370 00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,574 so I could see the road and not get carsick. 371 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,844 So maybe some people just need to see you while you're... 372 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,370 - Wait, wait, wait. Shut up. 373 00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,038 I was just thinking. 374 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,183 When I was a girl, I needed to sit in the front seat 375 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,584 so I could see the road and not get carsick. 376 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:40,880 So maybe some people just need to see me while I'm speaking. 377 00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,008 - That's a great idea, Lauren. 378 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:44,735 - My fucking God, my fucking God... 379 00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:46,886 - So we'll be able to see real-time comments 380 00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,680 using this application? 381 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,433 - Application? Yes, Boomer. 382 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,644 - Oh, he looks so handsome. 383 00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,563 - Handsome like a chode. 384 00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:03,820 - Welcome, listeners and viewers, 385 00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:07,949 to a special live stream with comedy queen, Nicole Byer. 386 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,535 - Hi. - Welcome to "In The Know." 387 00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,037 - How are you? 388 00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,956 - Oh, it's already so fun! 389 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,484 Now, Nicole, can you please explain 390 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,169 to me how a joke works? 391 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,004 - Sure. 392 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:24,257 So you have a setup, which is what the joke is about. 393 00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,926 - You lure them into your trap? - Yep. 394 00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:30,430 And then you give them a punch, which is the funny part. 395 00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,140 - Mm. 396 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,035 - That's when like a bear trap captures the bear leg. 397 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:37,854 And then a twist is something unexpected. 398 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,357 And a button would be like the end of it. 399 00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:41,858 - I never realized how much 400 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,985 the language of violence pervades comedy. 401 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:46,196 First, you set them up, then you punch them, 402 00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:47,989 then you twist them and then you button up 403 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,992 the body bag over their mangled corpse. 404 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,453 - Yeah. Or it's like one of them Bop It games. 405 00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,873 - Yes, exactly, when there's those rodents that appear 406 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,017 and you bop them with the mallet. 407 00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,876 Is that right? 408 00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:02,837 No, I meant the toy, like bop it, twist it, pull it. 409 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,381 - Whac-a-mole. 410 00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,525 - No, it's called Bop It. You know, it's like a game. 411 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:09,010 It's a black thing. It says "Bop It" in the middle. 412 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,154 And then... - It's a Black thing. 413 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:12,013 That's why I don't understand. 414 00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:14,140 - And I would never appropriate the culture. 415 00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:16,559 Bop It. It's like hip-hop it and bop it. 416 00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:17,894 And this is a Black thing. 417 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:20,814 And I would never deign to enter into 418 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,816 that cultural space unless invited. 419 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,527 Now, we're going to try something next 420 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,820 where I tell you a joke 421 00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:29,114 and then you explain to me why it is funny. 422 00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,657 Is that all right? - Okay, yes. 423 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,992 - Why didn't Hitler drink tequila? 424 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,411 - Why? 425 00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:37,706 - It made him mean. Can you explain that joke? 426 00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,332 - Um, I guess it's a joke because 427 00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:43,128 Hitler was already very mean and he didn't need the tequila? 428 00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:44,814 - I'm going to stop you right there, Nicole. 429 00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,440 I think it's an understatement to describe Hitler as mean. 430 00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:47,716 - Okay? 431 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:48,842 - Yes. 432 00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:49,718 - And I have to... and I love your work 433 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,011 and I admire you as a fan, 434 00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:52,405 but I have to take issue with that. 435 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:54,014 - Okay. 436 00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:54,889 - If you're going to describe Adolf Hitler... 437 00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,141 - Uh-huh. 438 00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,576 - Ethnic cleanser and executioner of the masses, 439 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,852 as simply mean... - Yeah. 440 00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,538 - I have to ask you to use stronger language. 441 00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,939 - Yeah. Rude, nasty... 442 00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:04,899 - Nasty. - Vulgar. 443 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:06,210 - Good. Now we're getting somewhere. 444 00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,111 He was a vulgar, nasty boy. 445 00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:09,320 - Yeah, very nasty boy. 446 00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:12,490 And I don't... I don't like him. 447 00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,450 - What are people saying? 448 00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:16,077 - Oh. 449 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:19,622 "This guy looks like the stork who brings miscarriages." 450 00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:21,791 Wow, that is so mean. 451 00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:25,128 - "Homeboy face uglier than the devil's doo-doo." 452 00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,671 - Yikes. 453 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,965 - "His face looks like the physical manifestation 454 00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,800 of the word touché." 455 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:32,927 - Barb, I think it's pronounced tushy. 456 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,806 - "Someone put this tragic dildo back in the trash." 457 00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,475 - Well, the good news is that 458 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,828 while viewers are brutally insulting Lauren's appearance, 459 00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,271 no one seems to be throwing up. 460 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,899 - Nicole Byer, do you think my voice is disgusting? 461 00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:48,234 - I do not think your voice is disgusting. 462 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,028 If anything, I think it's very soothing. 463 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:52,238 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 464 00:17:52,364 --> 00:17:54,008 - Because there's some trolls on the internet, 465 00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:56,409 a very small number, but they've been quite emphatic 466 00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:58,870 that my voice makes them want to spew. 467 00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:00,330 - No. 468 00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:01,557 I mean, if you sounded like this, 469 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,750 then maybe I'd be upset about it. 470 00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,269 But you don't sound like that. 471 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:07,754 - So if I sound sort of like a hillbilly Louis Armstrong, 472 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:09,589 then they would have a foot to stand on. 473 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,592 But as it currently stands, they have no foot to stand on. 474 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,469 - No feet. - Zero feet. 475 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:15,845 They've been befeeted. 476 00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,597 - They've been befeeted, yes. - Mm. 477 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:19,182 You're wise, Ms. Byer. 478 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,976 And that is why I won't change my voice 479 00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:23,561 or my body for anybody. 480 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,647 And in the words of Shakira Aguilera, 481 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,774 "Words can't bring me down." 482 00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:29,859 - Did you say Shakira Aguilera? - That's correct. 483 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,361 - Okay. 484 00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:32,505 - I'm Lauren Caspian with Nicole Byer, 485 00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,823 and we are enough. 486 00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:35,949 - And cut. 487 00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:37,617 Great work, guys! 488 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,369 - Oh! What a rush. 489 00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,621 I feel so empowered. 490 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,207 What were the comments like? 491 00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:45,932 - The important thing is no one got sick. 492 00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,544 - Holy shit! 493 00:18:47,669 --> 00:18:49,921 Someone watching the live stream just died. 494 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,381 - What? 495 00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:53,049 - And it's because of Lauren. 496 00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,968 - How could you possibly know that? 497 00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:58,805 - The guy commented, "Oh, God. What's happening to me? 498 00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:02,350 "It's so hot in here. I'm going to die. I'm dying. 499 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:03,727 You did this." 500 00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:08,565 - "In the soil watered by your blood, 501 00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:12,527 the tree of revolution will grow." 502 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,175 - Yes, the death of a listener is serious. 503 00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,744 Please relay our apologies to our sponsors. 504 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,707 LendingTree is pulling out too? 505 00:19:22,746 --> 00:19:24,164 No, please tell them that we still 506 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:25,957 have plenty of living audience members 507 00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:27,375 who need weird, little loans. 508 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,500 - Where's Lauren? 509 00:19:28,585 --> 00:19:30,503 I'm planning his victim's funeral, 510 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,964 and I need his credit card number. 511 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,636 Hey, Chase, have you seen Lauren? 512 00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:40,055 - Nah. 513 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,973 I haven't seen him in years. 514 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,558 - What? 515 00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,935 - His laugh was like raindrops on a camping tent. 516 00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:48,104 And his hog was awesome. 517 00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:52,980 Whoa, what happened to you? 518 00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:54,319 - Did you listen to yourself? 519 00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,988 - I OD'd on throat comfort tea 520 00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:59,032 and had to get my stomach pumped. 521 00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:01,201 - And yet, your voice sounds the same. 522 00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,245 - I'm only here to record a resignation video. 523 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,790 "Love Actually" style, no audio. 524 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,583 - Tragic times, dude. 525 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,877 But, Lauren, you can't go on looking like that. 526 00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:12,212 Someone else might die. 527 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,422 - I'll get a tote bag to put over his head. 528 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,007 - Not necessary. 529 00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:18,069 Chunks and I used to watch "Ambush Makeover" together. 530 00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:19,552 He'd always comment on how 531 00:20:19,678 --> 00:20:21,781 the foundation on their faces never matched their necks. 532 00:20:21,805 --> 00:20:23,848 God, he was so smart. 533 00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:26,059 Anyway, I'll glow you up, brah. 534 00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:27,686 - Thank you, Chase. 535 00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:30,438 I need to look my best so I can go out with dignity. 536 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,774 - Oh... 537 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:35,127 he looks like an undercover cop at an Avril Lavigne concert. 538 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:38,071 - But his face and neck, same color. 539 00:20:38,196 --> 00:20:40,365 - We're going out together, old friend. 540 00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:42,367 Me with the death of my body. 541 00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:44,661 You with the death of your career. 542 00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:14,774 - Stop the tape! 543 00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:17,027 Nobody murdered anyone! 544 00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:18,792 I just got off the phone with the coroner, 545 00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:21,322 and he told me the cause of death wasn't Lauren. 546 00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:22,949 - Wait, you talked to the coroner? 547 00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:24,367 - He's on my husband's case. 548 00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:27,162 - Oh, I know that coroner. Guy's a prick. 549 00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:28,788 Won't even let you touch the bodies. 550 00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:31,082 - Wait, but if it wasn't my voice, then what was it? 551 00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:34,544 - Apparently, he died of something called 552 00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:36,463 Anders Schmidt Vulvitis. 553 00:21:36,588 --> 00:21:38,798 - Oh, no. - Isn't that what Sandy has? 554 00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,135 - I should have believed you. 555 00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:44,804 - And poor, sweet Sandy's numbered days 556 00:21:44,888 --> 00:21:46,556 grow fewer still. 557 00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:48,141 - And that's very sad. 558 00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:51,144 But the important thing is my voice didn't kill anyone. 559 00:21:51,269 --> 00:21:52,437 I'm not a murderer! 560 00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:53,646 - Not so fast. 561 00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:54,689 He may not be a murderer, 562 00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:56,294 but his voice still makes people sick. 563 00:21:56,399 --> 00:21:57,692 Remember what happened to Tegan? 564 00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,277 - Nope. 565 00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:01,821 Their manager emailed me that Tegan faked being sick 566 00:22:01,946 --> 00:22:04,574 because Lauren's questions were making them uncomfortable. 567 00:22:04,741 --> 00:22:06,201 - She wasn't really sick! 568 00:22:06,326 --> 00:22:08,370 She was uncomfortable because she felt so seen! 569 00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:10,205 - Right. 570 00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:12,749 - You're going to believe some government coroner 571 00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:16,336 over the lived experience of a dying man? 572 00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,757 #BelieveDyingMen. 573 00:22:20,882 --> 00:22:22,425 - Crank me up, Carl! 574 00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:24,469 The bitch is back! 575 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:36,815 - Sandy Kooter, Dr. Bronner will heal you now. 576 00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:43,863 - It's you. 577 00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:46,282 Oh, yeah! 578 00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:48,660 Spaceship Earth, baby! 42052

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