All language subtitles for In.the.Know.2024.S01E03.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

- Before I leave this Earth,

I want you to have
this feather boa.

One of my johns from the '80s
used to choke me out with it.

He used to kick
the shit out of me.

- Wow. Thank you.

- Did
Sandy tell you he's dying?

- Dr. Bronner diagnosed him
with Anderson Coo-pie-is.

- Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.

I-it's terminal.

- Sandy, we've been over this.

Dr. Bronner's is a
cult-y soap company.

He's not an actual physician.

- Well, every time I
email customer service

with my symptoms, I always
receive a diagnosis.

Carl, I want you to
have this frisbee

that once belonged
to Sirhan Sirhan.

- No, thanks.

- ♪ I hope I never figure
out who broke your heart ♪

♪ Maybe if I do... ♪

Oh!

Good morning, everyone.

- Whoa, did Lauren
get morning sex?

- Chase, asking me
that is a crime.

This smile is because today,

I am interviewing
my dream guests.

♪ Spend all night losing sleep ♪

- Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

- What is it, Fabian?

- People are tweeting
that Lauren's voice

is making them sick.

- What are you talking about?

- "Lauren Caspian's voice
made me spew all over my car."

- We might have to
cancel today's show.

- Oh, no.

- This post has two likes.

One by the poster
and the other by you.

- Oh, so a topic has
to be trending before

you'll worry your little,
gray bean about it, bean head?

- Fabian, today
is not a good time

for one of your
misbegotten crusades.

- Name one
of my justice actions

that you found misbegotten.

- You did try to get Walgreens
to cancel Red Nose Day

because it trivialized
nasal rosacea.

- Listen, this is important.

One tweet could be just
the tip of the iceberg.

What if Lauren's voice

is making thousands
of people sick,

but they're too afraid
to come forward?

- Oh, Fabian. You're
being ridiculous.

- Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm just another
shrill, ridiculous bitch.

I should probably, what,
like, take a chill pill?

Huh, Doctor
Misogyn-berg? Smile more?

I'd probably have a hell
of a lot more friends!

But then again, I'm
not sure I really

want to be friends with people
who ignore the nauseous.

If any of y'all regrow
your micro-consciences,

you'll know where to find me.

I will be the one
fighting for the people

no one else believes.

- Let me know if any of them
has Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.

- Sandy, that's not real.

- So wait. Who's your
dream guest, Lauren?

- Oh, my dear boy.

Only the greatest
musical duo of all time.

- Oh, shit.

You're interviewing
the Ying Yang Twins?

- No, not familiar.

These two are like
Simon and Garfunkel

if they had the
courage to be lesbians.

- Tegan and Sara say
they're ready for Lauren.

- Holy fucking shit!

They know my name!

If music is food for the soul,

our next guests are
angelic confectioners.

These twin geniuses have
voiced the angst of youth

all over the world.

And I am not just an ally,
I am also a super fan.

Tegan and Sara, welcome
to "In The Know."

- Wow.

What a wonderful
introduction that was.

- That was maybe
one of the nicest,

most enthusiastic, genuine
introductions we've ever had.

- Okay. Get it
together, Lauren.

In a "GQ" article, you said that

if the only milestone
you achieved

was a Terry Gross interview,
you would be thrilled.

What is it about my
public radio colleague

that you find so appealing?

- I think that the key
is that I feel very...

heard...
- Mm.

- When she's listening.

And that's not that...

- A lot of people won't even
listen to what you're saying.

- Yeah. They,
like, interrupt you

or they...
- Yes, that happens a lot.

And it's particularly with
straight men, I've found.

- Yeah.

- It's very hard to even get
a word in edgewise, you know?

- It's so... It's so true.

- I don't know if you've
ever experienced that before,

but that is something
that does happen, sadly.

- Yep.

- And it's not just...

don't let anyone
gaslight you about it

because it happens
all day, every day.

- It does happen.

- It literally
happens all the time.

- I don't even think
they mean to do it.

- Well, stay woke.
Wake up, men.

Now, in regard to Terry Gross,

unfortunately,
that is all an act.

She's cold as an icicle
and dumb as rocks.

We call her Very Gross.

And if you've ever seen her eat,

you know what I'm talking about.

Ranch dressing seems
to linger on her lips

like a memory on a summer night.

I consider her the
marm of public radio,

and I don't throw that
term around lightly.

- Lauren told me Iwas
the marm of public radio.

- More like marmalade.

Sweet but sophisticated.

- Thank you.

- Marmalade is the
queen of jellied fruits.

- Oh, Carl!

- ♪ I spent all night,
loose leaf tea ♪

♪ I spin banana, lose my mime ♪

♪ While I spin
banana, lose my mime ♪

That song is one of
my all-time favorites.

- "Living Room." I wrote that.

- And what did you
mean when you said

"I spin banana, lose my mime"?

- Uh, the lyric I
wrote, but who cares...

- Like, doesn't matter.

- Is "spend all night
and lose my mind."

- Well, my understanding,
as a sapiosexual,

non-penetrative,

was if I were to spin my banana,

which I assumed was a
metaphor for masturbation,

then I would lose my mime,

which is more about
symbolic than actual touch.

Does that make sense?

- Yeah, it's beautiful.

That' great.
- That's astonishing.

- Yes, if you spin your banana,

you're no longer a mime.

You're just another horny,
little freak at summer camp

befouling his sleeping bag.

- Wow.

- Come on, people.

I know you're out
there.

Let me help you.

- Hi, Fabian. Are
you doing okay?

- Look, it's wonderful
that you're always so eager

to champion marginalized groups,

but...

Something's happening.

- I stopped therapy recently

because my therapist changed
offices without telling me.

And that was
particularly traumatic,

because my mother ghosted me
minutes after my own birth.

The doctor said he'd never
seen a woman in her condition

run so fast.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

You okay?

- Now, here's something
I've been wondering about.

If we were all stranded
on a desert island,

what do you think
we would all eat?

- Yeah, I feel like if
I just had a break, I...

I-I just... I-I'm
feeling nauseous.

- Mm. It's probably nerves.

Now, which one of you
is the heartthrob,

and which one of you
is the slutty genius?

- She's getting sick.

On air.

This is the proof
my silent sufferers

have been waiting for!

- But, Fabian,
let's not jump to...

- Please stop talking.

- My girlfriend,
also named Lauren,

looks a lot like me.
- Please, please...

- Now, does that make me

an honorary identical
twin lesbian?

- I'm so sorry.
I can't do this.

- What? No.

- Great to meet you, Lauren.

Best of luck.
- No, no, no.

Please, please, please, please.

Please.

- We don't know that Lauren's
voice made Tegan sick.

- We don't know that it didn't.

It needs to be investigated.

- What's #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow?

- It's a Discord
group I created.

- Fabian, don't you think

you're blowing this whole
thing out of proportion?

- I refuse to be silent

while Lauren terrorizes
America with his wet vowels.

- They cut it short.

- Oh, Lauren, I'm so sorry.

- Tegan or Sara had what I
assume were moontime cramps.

But it's odd that Tegan or
Sara didn't have them too

because their cycles
must be synced.

Unless one of them is pregnant.

With twins.

- Lauren, it wasn't
moontime cramps.

It was your voice.

- Absurd.

Also, if, and I mean if

my voice had anything
to do with it,

it's because of Carl's
antique machinery.

- Stop right there!

That's a Yamaha TF3 console.

It has 48 channels,
25 motorized faders,

and 8 FX processors.

If there is a God, she
mics up through that.

- Well, then how else
do you explain it?

The Queens of Calgary just left
me with Socratic blue balls.

- Oh, the community grows.

There are now five
courageous victims

using the hashtag
#InTheKnowMakesMeBlow.

- Hello.

We partying up in here?

- No, like blow chunks.

- I blew a guy
named Chunks once.

Just for the story.

We ended up falling
in fucking love.

- Lauren, there's nothing
wrong with your voice.

And if it makes anyone sick,
they can just not tune in.

- Really?

Would you tell a person
who uses a wheelchair

to just not enter a
building without ramps?

Well, guess what?

That building is their house.

- Oh, shit. For real?

Listen, we've all had a long
first 18 minutes of work.

- You know what?

Twitter is an echo
chamber of Russian bots.

Let's go live to the listeners

and ask them what they
think of my voice.

- Oh, Lauren, I really don't
think that's necessary.

- Good afternoon, folks.

Some internet
trolls have claimed

that my voice causes nausea.

- If you or a family
member has been a victim

of Lauren Caspian's
sound poisoning,

please call in now.

Use your voice to
bravely silence his.

- We want to hear from
you, our beloved fans.

Hello, caller.

You're on the air.
- Um, hi.

My name's Darryl
from Staten Island.

- Ah. The island
that is Staten.

- Yeah, so about your voice,
it doesn't make me sick.

- Thank you, Darryl.

- But it does piss me off!

- I beg pardon?

- It's pretentious,
the weird pauses.

"The island that is Staten."

You sound like a
cuck William Shatner.

- I'm... I'm not sure
I know what you mean.

- There! You did it again.

Barf!

- Speaking truth to power.

- Fuck, man.

Chunks.

I guess I still really miss him.

- Next. You're on.

- Hi, first time listener,
long time caller.

- Mm.

- I didn't realize
it till you said it,

but your voice does kind
of make me feel ill.

- Okay. But I'm sure...

- Think subtle.

Like, a small but very
angry child punched me

straight in the belly...
- Goodbye.

- Or that feeling when you've
disappointed a loved one

or you have to take
a terrible crap.

- But those should
feel different.

Next.

- Hi. Am I on?
- Mm-hmm.

- Have you heard of the
Lauren Caspian challenge?

- Of course.

Our station-sponsored
charity dance competition.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, it's
this thing I started on TikTok

where you drink half
a gallon of milk

and you see how long you
can listen to your voice

without ralphing.
- What?

- Honestly, I can't believe

that I've been talking
to you this long

without...

- The people have been heard.

- Hmm.

- And I'm afraid our
lines are now closed.

- Hello.

Am I on?

- Seriously, Carl?

- Sorry, last one.

- Mr. Caspian, this is
Susan from Winnipeg again.

- Yeah. And my voice makes
you want to inject bleach.

- Oh.

Oh, heavens no.

We here in Winnipeg
love your voice.

- Really?

- May I ask what
Winnipeggers like about it?

- Oh, um, well, it's smooth.
- Smooth.

- And very...

medium...
- Mm.

- And sort of sexy.

- Susan, if I could be so bold
as to return the complement,

you have a very
sexy voice yourself.

- Oh.

- Hey, pervert, you're
talking to Barb.

- No, you're not.

- Ugh! Barb!

Now I need to go throw up.

Ugh!

- The lunch I find
is my base layer,

but then I add my
own little flourishes

to bring it to life.

- Thank you for passing on
your wisdom before you die.

- You okay, Lauren?

- I just survived a
modern-day public stoning.

- I get it, man.

I make people sick all the time.

I once accidentally
distributed asbestos cigarettes

at a "Rocky Horror
Picture Show."

They did the time warp forever.

And soon, so will I.

- What am I going to do?
My voice is everything.

- Dude, Patrick from
"SpongeBob" has a weird voice,

and he's one of the
hottest men alive.

- This is my 9/11.

- Testing.

Testing one, two.

- Sounds good, Sandy.

Season's greetings,
movie mavens.

This week, I'm diving into
some scalding hot new releases.

First up, "the Godfather,"
AKA "The Yawn Father."

Stick to making wine, Francis.

But just as I was about to
give up on cinema forever,

along came Linkard
Richlater's "Boyhood."

It took 12 years
to make this movie.

Consider that.

For 12 years, every
man, woman, and child

had to live on set,
never allowed to leave.

They ate there, slept
there, and at times,

surely had to be kept there
through the aid of fences

and physical violence.

But at the end of the
day, they made a movie,

and movies make so much money.

I'd call that time well spent.

It's been an honor to
review the newest flicks

in Hollyweird for you, my
fine, feathered friends.

May I rest in peace.

Kooter over and Kooter out.

- Great farewell review, Sandy.

One of your best.
See you next week.

- Barb, please.
You're my producer.

Stop catfishing me and fix this.

- Aw. Based on listener
data, lot of our audience

listens to the show in the car.

- So what?

- Well, I was just thinking.

When I was a girl, I needed
to sit in the front seat

so I could see the road
and not get carsick.

So maybe some people just need
to see you while you're...

- Wait, wait, wait. Shut up.

I was just thinking.

When I was a girl, I needed
to sit in the front seat

so I could see the road
and not get carsick.

So maybe some people just need
to see me while I'm speaking.

- That's a great idea, Lauren.

- My fucking
God, my fucking God...

- So we'll be able to
see real-time comments

using this application?

- Application? Yes, Boomer.

- Oh, he looks so handsome.

- Handsome like a chode.

- Welcome, listeners
and viewers,

to a special live stream with
comedy queen, Nicole Byer.

- Hi.
- Welcome to "In The Know."

- How are you?

- Oh,
it's already so fun!

Now, Nicole, can
you please explain

to me how a joke works?

- Sure.

So you have a setup, which
is what the joke is about.

- You lure them into your trap?
- Yep.

And then you give them a
punch, which is the funny part.

- Mm.

- That's when like a bear
trap captures the bear leg.

And then a twist is
something unexpected.

And a button would be
like the end of it.

- I never realized how much

the language of violence
pervades comedy.

First, you set them up,
then you punch them,

then you twist them
and then you button up

the body bag over
their mangled corpse.

- Yeah. Or it's like one
of them Bop It games.

- Yes, exactly, when there's
those rodents that appear

and you bop them
with the mallet.

Is that right?

No, I meant the toy, like
bop it, twist it, pull it.

- Whac-a-mole.

- No, it's called Bop It.
You know, it's like a game.

It's a black thing. It says
"Bop It" in the middle.

And then...
- It's a Black thing.

That's why I don't understand.

- And I would never
appropriate the culture.

Bop It. It's like
hip-hop it and bop it.

And this is a Black thing.

And I would never
deign to enter into

that cultural space
unless invited.

Now, we're going to
try something next

where I tell you a joke

and then you explain
to me why it is funny.

Is that all right?
- Okay, yes.

- Why didn't Hitler
drink tequila?

- Why?

- It made him mean. Can
you explain that joke?

- Um, I guess it's
a joke because

Hitler was already very mean
and he didn't need the tequila?

- I'm going to stop you
right there, Nicole.

I think it's an understatement
to describe Hitler as mean.

- Okay?

- Yes.

- And I have to...
and I love your work

and I admire you as a fan,

but I have to take
issue with that.

- Okay.

- If you're going to
describe Adolf Hitler...

- Uh-huh.

- Ethnic cleanser and
executioner of the masses,

as simply mean...
- Yeah.

- I have to ask you to
use stronger language.

- Yeah. Rude, nasty...

- Nasty.
- Vulgar.

- Good. Now we're
getting somewhere.

He was a vulgar, nasty boy.

- Yeah, very nasty boy.

And I don't... I don't like him.

- What are people saying?

- Oh.

"This guy looks like the stork
who brings miscarriages."

Wow, that is so mean.

- "Homeboy face uglier
than the devil's doo-doo."

- Yikes.

- "His face looks like
the physical manifestation

of the word touché."

- Barb, I think it's
pronounced tushy.

- "Someone put this tragic
dildo back in the trash."

- Well, the good news is that

while viewers are brutally
insulting Lauren's appearance,

no one seems to be throwing up.

- Nicole Byer, do you think
my voice is disgusting?

- I do not think your
voice is disgusting.

If anything, I think
it's very soothing.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Because there's some
trolls on the internet,

a very small number, but
they've been quite emphatic

that my voice makes
them want to spew.

- No.

I mean,
if you sounded like this,

then maybe I'd be
upset about it.

But you
don't sound like that.

- So if I sound sort of like
a hillbilly Louis Armstrong,

then they would have
a foot to stand on.

But as it currently stands,
they have no foot to stand on.

- No feet.
- Zero feet.

They've been befeeted.

- They've been befeeted, yes.
- Mm.

You're wise, Ms. Byer.

And that is why I
won't change my voice

or my body for anybody.

And in the words of
Shakira Aguilera,

"Words can't bring me down."

- Did you say Shakira Aguilera?
- That's correct.

- Okay.

- I'm Lauren Caspian
with Nicole Byer,

and we are enough.

- And cut.

Great work, guys!

- Oh! What a rush.

I feel so empowered.

What were the comments like?

- The important thing
is no one got sick.

- Holy shit!

Someone watching the
live stream just died.

- What?

- And it's because of Lauren.

- How could you
possibly know that?

- The guy commented, "Oh,
God. What's happening to me?

"It's so hot in here. I'm
going to die. I'm dying.

You did this."

- "In the soil
watered by your blood,

the tree of
revolution will grow."

- Yes, the death of a
listener is serious.

Please relay our
apologies to our sponsors.

LendingTree
is pulling out too?

No, please tell
them that we still

have plenty of living
audience members

who need weird, little loans.

- Where's Lauren?

I'm planning his
victim's funeral,

and I need his
credit card number.

Hey, Chase, have
you seen Lauren?

- Nah.

I haven't seen him in years.

- What?

- His laugh was like
raindrops on a camping tent.

And his hog was awesome.

Whoa, what happened to you?

- Did you listen to yourself?

- I OD'd on throat comfort tea

and had to get my
stomach pumped.

- And yet, your voice
sounds the same.

- I'm only here to record
a resignation video.

"Love Actually" style, no audio.

- Tragic times, dude.

But, Lauren, you can't
go on looking like that.

Someone else might die.

- I'll get a tote bag
to put over his head.

- Not necessary.

Chunks and I used to watch
"Ambush Makeover" together.

He'd always comment on how

the foundation on their faces
never matched their necks.

God, he was so smart.

Anyway, I'll glow you up, brah.

- Thank you, Chase.

I need to look my best so
I can go out with dignity.

- Oh...

he looks like an undercover cop
at an Avril Lavigne concert.

- But his face and
neck, same color.

- We're going out
together, old friend.

Me with the death of my body.

You with the death
of your career.

- Stop the tape!

Nobody murdered anyone!

I just got off the
phone with the coroner,

and he told me the cause
of death wasn't Lauren.

- Wait, you talked
to the coroner?

- He's on my husband's case.

- Oh, I know that
coroner. Guy's a prick.

Won't even let you
touch the bodies.

- Wait, but if it wasn't
my voice, then what was it?

- Apparently, he died
of something called

Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.

- Oh, no.
- Isn't that what Sandy has?

- I should have believed you.

- And poor, sweet
Sandy's numbered days

grow fewer still.

- And that's very sad.

But the important thing is
my voice didn't kill anyone.

I'm not a murderer!

- Not so fast.

He may not be a murderer,

but his voice still
makes people sick.

Remember what happened to Tegan?

- Nope.

Their manager emailed me
that Tegan faked being sick

because Lauren's questions
were making them uncomfortable.

- She wasn't really sick!

She was uncomfortable
because she felt so seen!

- Right.

- You're going to believe
some government coroner

over the lived experience
of a dying man?

#BelieveDyingMen.

- Crank me up, Carl!

The bitch is back!

- Sandy Kooter, Dr. Bronner
will heal you now.

- It's you.

Oh, yeah!

Spaceship Earth, baby!