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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
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and welcome back to the Cornley Drama Festival.
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Once again, apologies for the sign.
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We have had a fantastic response to the festival,
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with seven people writing in
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to tell us they enjoyed the show.
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And thousands of other people also writing in.
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Chris, I've given the horse too many tranquilizers.
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That is not my problem tonight.
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Because first up we are in the hands
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of Sandra Wilkinson.
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Distinct.
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Unique.
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Moist.
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What do these words have in common?
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They've all been used to describe my voice.
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So, I've written a radio play to present this evening.
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Not, as some have suggested, because I am in the running
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to be the new voice of Marks and Spencer's,
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although I am down to the final 80,
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but because I would love nothing more
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than to share with you how audio drama is made.
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So please enjoy A Talented Woman Awakens.
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Well, that roast beef was absolutely delicious, dad.
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It certainly was, Deborah!
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I adored those Yorkshire Puddings,
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almost as much as the crisp golden potatoes,
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and the creamy yet fiery horseradish sauce.
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I'll clear the dishes.
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Deborah, I meant to tell you.
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I'll be hosting the talent show at the village fete this year.
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Well, you should enter that, darling.
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You're ever so talented.
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Oh, no, I couldn't do that, mum.
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Of course you could, sweetheart.
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There's more to you than your sensational looks.
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You also have a fantastic speaking voice,
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and you own your own Pitch Tone B Plus
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podcasting microphone.
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Let me pour you a cup of tea, dad.
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Sugar? -Two please.
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Milk? -Just a spot.
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Maybe you're right,
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maybe I should enter the talent competition.
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I just wish I...
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...had more confidence.
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You are so dreadfully humble.
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And you're ever so talented.
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Now come on, dad, it's well past...
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...your bedtime.
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Onto the stairlift.
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Ah! Now, let's get you tucked in.
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Goodnight, dad.
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I'll shut the door.
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See you in the morning.
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Cock-a-doodle-doo!
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Good morning, mum.
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Morning, darling.
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You're ever so talented.
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Come in.
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Buenos días, señorita!
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Miguel! How are you, my dear?
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I am sad, because I know I will never be enough for you.
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Oh, Miguel!
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Our relationship is too passionate.
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I have seen there is to be a talent show
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at the village fete.
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Soon I will lose you to celebrity.
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My talent is too...
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My talent is too wild to be ca...
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Ha!
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My talent is too wild to be caged.
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I must perform.
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Hooray!
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Come, mount this stallion with me.
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We shall ride to the village fete.
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Wake up, wake up.
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Clippity clop! Clippity clop!
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Here we are at the village fete.
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We have arrived in time for the hoedown.
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I do hope everyone is enjoying
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the Barnsbury Village Fete so far.
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Ah yeah, it's just brilliant.
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A huge congratulations to Benny Webber,
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who correctly spelled the word incompetent,
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to win this year's Spelling Bee.
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I-N-C-O-M-M-
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P-E-T-E-N-T-
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E-N-T-E-
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N-T-E.
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Incompetentente!
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And next up in the talent show, we have Peter Bodkin,
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with his one-man clog dance.
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A round of applause for Peter.
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Next up, will be my very own daughter,
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who will be reciting the entirety
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of Alfred Lord Tennyson's The Lady of Shallot.
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Are you ready to perform, my darling?
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I'm a little bit nervous.
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Don't be nervous.
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Look at the beautiful sunshine, and listen to the birds singing.
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Ladies and gentlemen, here she is,
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showcasing her extraordinary vocal range, Deborah Davies.
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Muh...
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Fantastic.
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And the scores are in.
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And the winner is Deborah Davies.
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A round of applause, please!
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Stop!
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There's a storm coming!
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Thank you for coming.
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And now, a word of congratulations from our mayor.
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I think this is the beginning of an extraordinary career.
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Advertising executives and voiceover agents
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will be calling you every day.
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On 07700 900381.
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My talent has been awakened!
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Ugh!
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Next up is my...
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Next up is my play.
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I wrote it myself.
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I would like to thank Trevor,
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for providing the special effects.
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My play is called...
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"Toothpaste 1.99."
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Sorry, that's a receipt.
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My play is called, "Toothpaste 1.69."
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Enjoy.
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Hello, how much is this toothpaste?
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1.69.
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Well, I think we can all agree...
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There's still some cuts to be found in that play.
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Next up, we have Annie Twilloil.
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Now, people often say we take things too seriously
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at the Cornley Drama Society, but that wasn't always the case.
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The original troupe performed a comedy as recently as 1979.
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So, we thought it would be nice to step outside
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our comfort zone,
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and revisit that laugh-out loud romp tonight.
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This farce has been classified as Grade C bawdy,
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so, some of the more graphic jokes
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have had to be censored to comply with broadcasting
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decency guidelines.
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So, please, enjoy the classic 70s farce entitled,
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An Upstanding Member
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in a Tight Spot in the Back Office.
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Good morning, Mr. Carmichael.
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Good morning, Miss Pennyforth.
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Hoo! Frightfully windy day today, isn't it?
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Woah!
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Miss Pennyforth, have you got a date tonight?
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Oh yes, sir, a whole bagful.
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What is she like?
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Now, tell me, what appointments do I have today?
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Well, at 11:00, we'll be having a bit of how's your father.
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Ooh!
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And at 11:05, you've got a meeting
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with the Archbishop of Canterbury.
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So, we've only got five minutes together?
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Yes, I thought that would give me four minutes
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to catch up on paperwork.
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What is she like?
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And don't forget the Archbishop is terrified of bees,
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so I'd best remove these.
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Good thinking, Miss Pennyforth.
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And the Prince of Wales is coming round at 11:20
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to present you with your OBE.
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The Prince of Wales?
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We'd best cancel my meeting with Norman Nord,
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the Nudist Lord.
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Yes, Mr. Carmichael.
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Now, Doctor Rod Problem dropped round these little blue pills.
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Ooh...
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Sorry!
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Little blue pills.
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Those are for my downstairs problem.
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The leak in the basement?
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I'll leave them in this drinks cabinet,
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next to your anti-anxiety medication.
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Careful, these bottles look just alike.
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I'd better go and put on a tie.
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Let me help you with that.
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Thank you, Miss Pennyforth.
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Ooh!
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Righty-ho then, time to clean these windows.
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Oh, these bloomin' bees!
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I-N-C-O-M-P-E-T-E-N-T.
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Incompetent.
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What are you doing?
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I'm the spelling bees.
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Oi! Oi! Oi!
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You stop buzzing in my face!
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Hey, out of it! Out of it! Hey you, pack it in!
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Bloomin' heck!
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Someone's left the window open.
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Now there's soap suds all over the back office.
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I best get in there and clean it up
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before someone slips over.
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Water palaver.
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Right, I think that sounds good.
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Oh, Mrs. Carmichael!
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Leader of the opposition and my wife.
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Hope you don't mind, I popped in your back corridor.
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Passage. I popped in your back passage.
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You're early.
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Makes a change, it's usually you who get here early.
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Comes.
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Would you like a drink?
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Oh, yes, you know I love a strong one!
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A stiff one!
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Woah!
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Why are there soap suds all over this floor?
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My coat is soaked through.
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Oh, dear, I don't think things could get any worse.
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My mother is coming to stay for the weekend.
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Looks like I spoke too soon!
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I brought you these flowers for you to give to her.
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Oh, God, she's awake!
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Where are the tranquilizers?
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Well, I'd best get back to the Commons.
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Goodbye, darling.
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It's 11:00.
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Time for us...
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Oh, ho ho! -I've forgotten my bag!
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Quickly, Miss Pennyforth, hide in the wardrobe.
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Ooh! -Ohh!
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Mr. Carmichael.
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Ooh! -Oh!
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Ooh! Ooh! -Oh!
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I forgot my bag.
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I don't think things could get any worse!
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Everybody, stand back!
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Oh, crikey, I just bought these shoes
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from the cobblers and they don't half squeak!
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Get mopping.
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The Prince of Wales is coming to give me my O...
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OBE! And we can't have soap suds all over the place!
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Hey... Hey... Hey!
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Uh!
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Hey!
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Argh!
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You've smashed the window!
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Oh, it's let in a gale!
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Hey!
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It's blown off our trousers!
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Hey! Hey!
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The Archbishop! Quick, hide in the wardrobe.
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Morning, Carmichael. Cor blimey!
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Why aren't you wearing trousers Carmichael?
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Er...
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pink polka dots are all the rage, Archbishop.
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I'm pleased to hear it.
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Wow!
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Now, Carmichael, I have to tell you about something
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that happened to me on the way here.
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I came out of me front door, and there were two...
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...standing there
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...with
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...right up the cloisters.
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Now, Carmichael, I'm here to talk to you about
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not building that atheist car park over Canterbury Cathedral.
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But what's this?
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A contract from Car Parks Limite
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about building an atheist car park over Canterbury Cathedral?
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This is a disgrace, Carmichael.
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I'm telephoning the Vatican, and when they get hold of you,
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you'll be sorrier than I was when I saw the Pope...
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I said...
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...raw buttocks!
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Oh, Mr. Carmichael I'm starting to panic.
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I don't like being in tight spaces.
272
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,200
Nor do I.
273
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:34,640
Here, take one of my anti-anxiety pills.
274
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,360
Mr. Carmichael!
275
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:45,800
Quick!
276
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,280
[Miss Pennyforth/Stanley] Ooh!
277
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,240
I forgot my hat.
278
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,200
Here you go, darling.
279
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,840
Carmichael!
280
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,360
Oh, dear!
281
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:59,120
We forgot to cancel my meeting with Norman Nord,
282
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:00,680
the Nudist Lord!
283
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,480
What's going on, Carmichael?
284
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:15,800
What was all that about, Carmichael?
285
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,640
Don't go near the window!
286
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:20,640
Hey!
287
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,960
Hey!
288
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,000
Hey... Woah!
289
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,160
Woah!
290
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:35,920
Oh, it's blown... blown off my trousers! Oh! Oh!
291
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,840
Oh, how embarrassing!
292
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,920
Oh, how embarrassing.
293
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,400
Sorry about that, Archbishop.
294
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,480
Please, accept these flowers with my apologies.
295
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,600
Thank you, Carmichael. But what's that noise?
296
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,320
Oh, no!
297
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,200
Incompetent!
298
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:06,200
A bee! A bee! A bee! A bee! Bees!
299
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,760
Bees!
300
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,880
I've been chased by bees.
301
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,000
Here, take one of my anti-anxiety pills.
302
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,360
Thank you, Carmichael.
303
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,280
Oh, could you give me a pill?
304
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,040
One. Could you give me one?
305
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:37,720
[Archbishop/Elizabeth] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh...
306
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,720
They're for the horse.
307
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,280
I'm here, Carmichael!
308
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,000
A French maid, a window cleaner,
309
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,560
the Archbishop of Canterbury,
310
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,280
and the leader of the opposition,
311
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,320
all at it in the Chief Whip's office?
312
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:08,360
After seeing this, I can't possibly give you your OBE.
313
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,520
I'll have to give you a knighthood!
314
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,200
Thank you.
315
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:36,240
That was a farce.
316
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,320
Now, as you can see, we do appear to be down
317
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,320
a few members of the cast.
318
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:44,720
Trevor and I will be taking them to A & E now.
319
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,640
Er, but do not fear...
320
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,160
But do not fear,
321
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,320
the festival will continue with Jonathan's piece.
322
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:58,880
It's a musical ensemble number, which, which er...
323
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,160
which would have included the whole cast.
324
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,920
And it's about a circus.
325
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:05,920
Enjoy.
326
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:16,480
Roll up, roll up!
327
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,400
Come and enjoy the show!
328
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,800
Jimmy! Missy! Tony!
329
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,400
Matty! Ricky! Jenny!
330
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,920
Okay!
331
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,760
Come on, guys, let's have a song,
332
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,920
I'll play the keys, you sing along!
333
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,800
Piano?
334
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,280
No?
335
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:40,600
Okay!
336
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,440
♪ Prepare to see wonders, thrills and delights! ♪
337
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,840
♪ Magic and marvels, incredible sights! ♪
338
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,720
♪ I'm Jimmy the Juggler! ♪
339
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,520
♪ I'm Missy the Mime! ♪
340
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:56,600
♪ I'm Tony on the unicycle! Riding the line! ♪
341
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,680
♪ I'm Magical Matty! With magic, of course ♪
342
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,920
♪ I'm Rodeo Ricky! Here with ma' horse ♪
343
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,520
♪ I'm Jenny the gymnast I'll thrill you to bits ♪
344
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:09,360
♪ When you watch me doing the splits! ♪
345
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:10,400
Oh!
346
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,320
Oh, my God!
347
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,760
Amazing!
348
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:14,960
What a talent!
349
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:21,160
♪ We are the ensemble! ♪
350
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:24,680
♪ We work as a team ♪
351
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,080
♪ We are the ensemble! ♪
352
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:31,520
♪ Together, a circus supreme ♪
353
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:32,600
Take it, Jimmy!
354
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,240
With your amazing juggling.
355
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,560
♪ What goes up must come down! ♪
356
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:47,760
♪ But when you're Jimmy the Juggler ♪
357
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,640
♪ You can turn it around! ♪
358
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:53,280
Wow, it's amazing! Incredible!
359
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,640
♪ Throwing and catching is my thing ♪
360
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,520
♪ But when I'm not juggling, I like to sing! ♪
361
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:00,760
Aah!
362
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,400
Now go, Missy, with your mime!
363
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,520
Hell yeah!
364
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,720
Now, Tony, show us your skills on the unicycle.
365
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,800
♪ You gotta know the motion ♪
366
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,400
♪ Yeah you gotta have the feel ♪
367
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,240
♪ When you try to ride a cycle ♪
368
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:42,800
♪ That's only one wheel! ♪
369
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:44,320
♪ My clothes are made of leather ♪
370
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,000
♪ But my heart is made of steel ♪
371
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,480
♪ I used to have a bicycle ♪
372
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,400
♪ But things got real! ♪
373
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,840
Oh, God!
374
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,360
♪ We are the ensemble! ♪
375
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:05,000
♪ We work as a team ♪
376
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,360
♪ We are the ensemble! ♪
377
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:10,960
♪ Together, a circus supreme! ♪
378
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:16,240
Now, Matty, marvel us with your magic!
379
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,200
Oh!
380
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,080
♪ We are the ensemble! ♪
381
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:59,520
♪ We work as a team ♪
382
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:02,760
♪ We are the ensemble! ♪
383
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:06,120
♪ Together, a circus supreme! ♪
384
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,120
♪ Together ♪
385
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:13,040
♪ A circus supreme! ♪
26412
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