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1
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# Knowing me, knowing you
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# Aha
3
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# There is nothing we can do
4
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# Knowing me, knowing you
5
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,000
# Aha
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# We just have to take it,
this time we're through
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# Knowing me, knowing you. #
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A-HA!
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APPLAUSE
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# No more happy laughter
11
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# Knowing me, knowing you
12
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# (With Alan Partridge)
There is nothing we can do
13
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,320
# Knowing me, knowing you
14
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,920
# (With Alan Partridge)
We just have to face it,
15
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# This time we're through
16
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# Knowing me, knowing you
17
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# With Alan Partridge! #
18
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APPLAUSE
19
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Tsss.
20
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Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You,
With Alan Partridge.
21
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Not the Talk - the Chat of the Town!
DRUM ROLL
22
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We're going to climb
the mountain of conversation.
23
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I'll get my grappling hook and
scale the north face of Chatmandu!
24
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DRUM ROLL
25
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First, an important announcement.
26
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My dance troupe,
the Alan Partridge Playmates,
were wearing Alan Partridge masks.
27
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These - thank you -
are official merchandise,
28
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:19,600
available in good novelty shops and
Welcome Breaks in the South East.
29
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However, last week
these fun items were abused.
30
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Look at these pictures
from a security camera.
31
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NatWest, Sycamore Road, Corby,
last Tuesday,
32
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when three gunmen
wearing MY rubber face burst in.
33
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Then they ran off with £15,000 in
a copper-coloured sports holdall.
34
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I wish to dissociate myself
from this act.
35
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My face was designed
as a leisure accessory.
36
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,640
When people rob, maim, pimp,
ram-raid,
37
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smuggle or peep with my face,
they drag it through the mud.
38
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That said, if you want to buy
the mask, it's quite fun, you know.
39
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,640
They're in shops now...
and service stations.
40
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Students love them! Marvellous!
41
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,280
It's time now to meet and greet
42
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,720
my house band -
Glenn Ponder and Bangkok!
43
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,400
# Knowing me, knowing you
44
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# With Alan Partridge! #
45
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I'm pleased you've seen sense and
decided to cancel your court action.
46
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Very impressive.
47
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And it means that I've no fear of
saying knowing me, Alan Partridge,
48
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knowing you, Glenn Ponder - Aha!
Aha!
49
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Knowing me, knowing you,
Bangkok - Aha! (Aha.)
50
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,720
I'm in bother.
I've got a confession to make.
51
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:48,000
I stabbed an academic to death
in my kitchen. Who?
52
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Professor Plum - it was Cluedo!
53
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DRUM ROLL
54
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But seriously, I believe you've just
had a new kitchen fitted. Yeah.
55
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Why?
56
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Well, my boyfriend's
a bit of a cordon bleu,
57
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and it was his idea, really.
58
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His idea.
59
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I didn't know.
Take me down, please.
60
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We needed a bit more space, so what
the hell, we splashed out. Sorry,
the conversation's finished now.
61
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Come round for a meal. No, thanks.
You'd be welcome. No, it's all
right.
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Can we get this to move quicker?
63
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I'll jump the last couple of feet.
That's fine.
64
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Glenn Ponder and Bangkok!
65
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MUSIC: "Knowing Me, Knowing You"
66
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# Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba,
ba-ba, ba-ba-ba,
Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-BA-A, BA! #
67
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That was the music for Pearl & Dean.
68
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We all know, love and admire it.
69
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My next guests are SCOTT and Dean,
but they ARE connected with cinema.
70
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That's why I just sang
the Pearl & Dean song.
71
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They're brothers who produce, write,
direct and star in their own films.
72
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They swept through Hollywood
like a plague of locusts
shouting "Action!"
73
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They're big shots in Tinsel Town -
ironic as they're both under 4' 10"!
74
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You'll see what I mean -
Scott and Dean Maclean!
75
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# I can dance with you, honey,
if you think it's funny
76
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# Does your mother know
that you're out?
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# I can chat with you, baby
78
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# Flirt a little, maybe,
Does your mother know you're out? #
79
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Ah. Br-r-r. Yabba dabba do!
Eh? Can you do that?
80
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Lovely!
81
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:55,840
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Scott Maclean - Aha! Aha.
82
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Good lad. He's done it! Well done.
83
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Dean.
84
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,880
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Dean Maclean - Aha! Aha.
85
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By George, he's got it!
86
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:11,040
You flew in from LA.
Did you enjoy the flight?
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AMERICAN ACCENT: It was a pain
in the ass. Let's move on.
88
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Dean, how old are you?
89
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Eleven. Eleven. Big lad, big lad.
90
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Scott, and you? I'm nine,
coming up to the big one-"O".
91
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What?
92
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Ten! One-zero. I'm gonna be ten.
93
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Great.
94
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,240
Are you looking forward
to your birthday?
95
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When you hit double figures you need
time out to ask serious questions.
96
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Like what?
97
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Am I satisfied? Where am I going?
What do I want?
98
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And what do you want?
A space hopper?
99
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A Meccano set?
Or do you want a Batmobile?
100
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Believe me, this guy wants it all.
101
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Well, I can't get you that.
102
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But I CAN get you a...
# De-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne... #
103
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,680
Batmobile!
104
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There.
105
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I don't want Dean to feel left out -
he's looking grumpy there.
106
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There you go -
an Alan Partridge mask. Lovely.
107
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What are you laughing at? My face?
108
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You shouldn't laugh at my face.
109
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It's the Batmobile.
What's wrong with it?
110
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We don't mean to be rude, but
Tim Burton, Batman's director...
I know who he is.
111
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..well, he gave us the actual
Batmobile used in the movie.
112
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The full-size...? With the gadgets.
113
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You can stick that on the dashboard!
114
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It's cool to drive on the estate.
115
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When I was ten I got
a bat and a ball.
116
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I played with that on the...estate.
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It was attached by elastic,
so you could bat it back and forth.
118
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It was... In the bat and ball world
it was state of the art!
119
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Do you still have it, Alan? No,
it was taken off...stolen from me
120
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by Stephen McCoombe, a big bully.
121
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He just threw it in the canal.
122
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I told the teacher, who said
not to tell tales and be a sneak.
123
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Where's the justice in that?!
124
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Where is the justice in that?
125
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You gotta let these things go, Alan.
126
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Yeah, you're right.
127
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Right, where was I?
Our new movie. Thank you.
128
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I like you. What about me? Yes.
129
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Tell us about Bruce Willis. Did you
fire him three weeks into filming?
130
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:53,080
Yeah. We had a difference of opinion
What was that?
131
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We thought he was an asshole.
132
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OK. What about me? Am I...?
133
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You're an asshole too. No, no. OK.
Could I take over from Bruce Willis?
134
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:11,120
Maybe you could do a screen test
for us. What? What...? Really?
135
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,920
Sure. Fly over to LA next week.
I could do.
136
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:21,080
I'm doing a conference for Nabisco
at the Birmingham Metropole, but...
137
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,840
..Nick Owen could do it, he owes me.
138
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,560
It was a joke. We were only joking.
139
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,840
So was I, so the joke's on you -
I started the joke.
140
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,960
No, WE started the joke.
141
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,960
No, I did. One big, happy joke!
142
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..I started. You didn't.
143
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Did. Didn't. I DID! It's childish.
144
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Yeah, why don't you grow up?
145
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Like you? No, just act your age.
146
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He's only nine. Nearly the one-"O"!
147
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Yes, very good. Very clever.
148
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,160
I started the joke,
now I've finished it.
149
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:07,880
You Americans haven't got
a sophisticated sense of humour.
150
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,160
Have you heard of Robin's Nest?
151
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:15,360
Not got a clue.
You haven't got a clue.
152
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You're three times older, and we're
50 times as rich, and 100 times
more talented - you don't like it.
153
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Why don't you get a life?
154
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I've got one. Why don't you get one?
What kind of life have YOU had?
Very successful.
155
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:40,160
Last month I was voted
Man Of The Moment by TV Quick
magazine. Ooh (!) Shut up.
156
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:45,920
I was Sports Reporter of the Year
for Radio Norwich. Big time (!) Yes.
157
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:54,120
Ten years ago I was broadcasting
complex traffic information to East
Anglia when you were just a foetus!
158
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,560
Oh, your breath is gross!
159
00:10:56,560 --> 00:11:02,480
I have NOT got bad breath!
Something died!
Nothing died in my mouth!
160
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I'm Alan Partridge.
My mouth's a chemical dump.
Gross! Aagh! Right!
161
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:13,520
I'm confiscating that. And that.
You can't! You can't have it.
162
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,360
Oh! Uh!
163
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,840
God! Get Security!
164
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,000
Christ! Sorry (!)
165
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You should be in a borstal!
166
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:28,920
Any more questions? No.
Can we go now? Yes.
167
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,440
Scott and Dean Maclean!
168
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I'm Alan Partridge. Gross! Aargh!
169
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:35,800
APPLAUSE
170
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,720
Thank you!
171
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,400
Sorry about that.
172
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,160
Now... Women.
173
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What are they?
174
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:52,760
To some women you can say, "What a
nice dress. Would you like dinner?"
175
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:58,360
With other women you've got to keep
your distance. Just be pleasant.
176
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:04,880
I'm talking about those who,
until the last century,
were confined to Lesbos.
177
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,960
In other words, lady lesbians.
178
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,600
That's what my next guests are.
179
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:15,240
Next week a new series
for lesbians starts,
180
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:20,200
called Off The Straight And Narrow,
hosted by my next guests.
181
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:25,520
The BBC told me to help them promote
their show, which is a good idea.
182
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:30,560
I can't tell you what's going to be
in their show, that's their job.
183
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,160
Let's hear from the horses' mouths.
184
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:37,200
Please welcome
Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon!
185
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,000
APPLAUSE
186
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,480
# Honey, honey, touch me, baby
187
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,680
# Aha, honey, honey
188
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,160
# Honey, honey, hold me, baby
189
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,200
# Aha, honey, honey
190
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:54,280
# Honey, honey. #
191
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:02,240
"Diddly-de-de-dee, two ladies,
diddly-de-de-dee, two ladies,
192
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:08,400
"Diddly-de-de-dee,
and I'm the only man, ja,
193
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,760
"Diddly-de-de-dee, I like it,
194
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,600
"Diddly-de-de-dee, they like it,
195
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:20,640
"Diddly-de-de-dee, this two
for one, badom, badom, bom, bom."
196
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:26,360
I'm sorry, that was misjudged.
I'm sorry.
197
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:31,080
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Wanda Harvey - Aha! Aha.
198
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:35,840
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Bridie McMahon - Aha! Aha.
199
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:39,560
BAD IRISH ACCENT: Bridie McMahon!
200
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:46,440
It's the kind of name an Irish
flame-haired, fiery woman
has in a John Wayne film.
201
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:50,320
He'd say,
"Over my knee for six of the best"!
202
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:56,000
You'd say, "Oi'll have nuttin'
to do wit ye, keep your hands off!"
203
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,960
But in the end you marry him.
204
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,000
It won't happen - you're a lesbian.
205
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:05,720
Wanda.
206
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:11,160
If you married Glenn, you know what
your name would be? Wanda Ponder!
207
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:17,440
But, er...that's not going to
happen, because you're, you know...
208
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,080
So's he.
209
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:25,960
I don't want to get bogged down
in this nest of gay vipers.
Have you got a question? Yes.
210
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,520
What's it like to be a lesbian?
211
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:34,640
You want us to sum up
the experience of millions of women
in one sound bite?
212
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,000
If you could.
213
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:43,080
Well, I can't. You're going
to have to, love, if you want
to make it as a TV presenter.
214
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:48,040
With all respect, considering we've
got a series running for 24 weeks...
215
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,640
Twenty-four weeks! I only got six.
216
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:56,600
Maybe the BBC thinks our show will
be four times as good as yours. No.
217
00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:01,920
You two, you're both lesbians, we
know that. I don't mind. No problem.
218
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:06,880
Does it bother YOU when you hear
people use these slang expressions?
219
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,960
Which ones?
220
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:14,080
You know, the usual - lesbos,
lezzers, lesbefriends,
221
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,720
dykes, bull dykes,
222
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,080
Dick Van Dykes,
223
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,280
spare rib ticklers,
224
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,720
cat flaps,
225
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:28,600
baggage handlers and left luggage -
do those names hurt?
226
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,560
What are those? Just names.
That you guys thought up?
227
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:36,600
Not ALL. Can't take credit
for lezzers and dykes.
228
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:41,240
OK, now,
let's talk about your show,
229
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,840
because I've got to -
what's it about?
230
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:50,040
Next week Jeanette Winterson
reviews the latest gay fiction.
231
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,080
This should interest you -
a women's football team.
232
00:15:54,080 --> 00:16:01,080
Also, we have Kitty Mayhew
from the British Museum
looking at Etruscan gay iconography.
233
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:02,400
Fantastic!
234
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:07,440
Are you interested in gay... I've
just realised an anagram of my name.
235
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:11,320
"Great drain, pal". Amazing!
236
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,400
You can get "prat" out of Partridge.
237
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,680
I know.
Alan is an anagram of "anal".
238
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,240
Yes, I'm aware of that.
239
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,440
I know. So, "anal dirge prat".
240
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:28,280
I didn't know that.
That's a very good one.
241
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:33,800
I've been thinking of one for Glenn
Ponder, if you can help me out.
242
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:37,440
Now, your new show. "Porn legend".
243
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:41,960
Sorry? "Porn legend" -
it's an anagram of Glenn Ponder.
244
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,320
You're right.
Glenn, are you a porn legend?
245
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:50,320
Well, my boyfriend thinks so.
All right. I hope he thinks that.
246
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,760
I don't want to get bogged down
in a gay hornets' nest.
247
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:59,280
It's called Off The Straight
And Narrow - a bit of a mouthful.
248
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:05,560
We call it O-T-S-A-N, or OTSAN
for short. Nearly an anagram
of "Satan". Carry on.
249
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,840
It's just like you abbreviate
this show to K-M-K-Y.
250
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,800
No, it's full title is
K-M-K-Y-W-A-P.
251
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,640
Or KMKYWAP, as someone said.
252
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:22,280
An Indian talking to Kevin Costner
in Dances With Wolves - "Kmkywap!"
253
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:27,920
It also sounds a bit like
a moist toilet tissue - a Kmkywap.
254
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:36,120
Yeah. Can't argue with that. I could
wipe myself with a Kmkywap and throw
it down my great drain, pal!
255
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:39,680
After cleaning your anal dirge prat.
256
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:44,120
That's just offensive. I wouldn't
worry - no-one's watching!
257
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:47,800
They are! You lose
one million viewers a week.
258
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:53,680
All right, I admit it. There's a
conspiracy to deprive me of viewers.
259
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,520
Your mates are behind it.
That lot upstairs.
260
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:02,280
The Mr and Ms's of BBC 2 don't like
me - they all went to Oxbridge,
261
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,440
wherever that is!
262
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:10,040
They wear linen suits, flip-flops,
and say, "Look! I work for BBC 2.
263
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,440
"My glasses are like John Lennon's"!
I LOATHE these people.
264
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:21,640
Every week they come to the studio
and say, "You can't do that,
you can't say this." Get out!
265
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:27,200
I wish all you BBC 2 people would
get on a bus and drive over a cliff!
266
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,240
I'd happily be the driver.
267
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,520
That said, er...
268
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,320
Good luck with the series.
269
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:44,640
Please thank
Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon,
two ladies, diddly-de-de-dee!
270
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,160
APPLAUSE
271
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:54,080
Let's take a break from all this
chat, for a little light relief.
272
00:18:54,080 --> 00:19:00,520
Fifteen years ago, on a Hoseasons
holiday in Bournemouth,
I went to the cabaret.
273
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,600
It was mediocre.
274
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:09,080
Then, one man came on and raised
the roof. He made me laugh,
literally, like a drain.
275
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,160
I went backstage and said to him,
276
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:17,520
"I'm Alan Partridge. If I get my own
TV series, I'll give you a break."
277
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,640
Hold your sides, they may split,
278
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:24,840
as I welcome on
Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!
279
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,040
APPLAUSE
280
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,480
ALAN LAUGHS
281
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:41,560
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and
girls, my name's Joe Beasley and...
Hey!
282
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:44,000
This is Cheeky Monkey.
283
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:52,720
It's a privilege to be here on
Knowing Me, Knowing You. That's an
Abba song, in't it? So here's a
joke.
284
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:58,400
What do you get if you cross Fred
Flintstone...? No, not if cross...
285
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,320
What do you get if you, um...?
286
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:06,160
What does a Swedish... What does
a Swedish Fred Flintstone say?
287
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,920
YABBA DABBA DO!
288
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,280
No, he says ABBA DABBA DO!
289
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:15,000
Abba dabba do, that's what he says.
290
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,120
The other week...
291
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:19,680
Pack it in... The other week...
Stop!
292
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,640
We went to Blackpool pleasure beach,
293
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,600
and I don't know if you know,
294
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:30,640
they have the world's biggest
roller coaster, and we went up it...
295
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,160
Oh, God!
296
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,800
We went up the big dipper...
297
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,840
We're on the big dipper,
going about 200 mph...
298
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,640
..200 mph on the big dipper,
and er...
299
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:47,680
We go on the big dipper, come round
the corner, and Cheeky Monkey, he...
300
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,520
We're on the big dipper...
301
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,160
No. Oh, you Cheeky Monkey!
He's made me forget.
302
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:03,600
It's his fault. He's made me forget.
He's made... Ooh!
303
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:08,400
He's always doing that, ladies...
He's made me forget the joke.
304
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,960
You Cheeky Monkey. Cheeky, cheeky!
305
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,720
Thank you,
Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!
306
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,760
APPLAUSE
307
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,920
Thank you. Well done.
308
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,720
Joe, I think you've been...
309
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:27,000
You've been very brave.
There's plenty more jokes.
310
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,400
Just a mistake. It's not working.
311
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:34,280
Apologise to him. He's upset.
It's not real!
312
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,120
Aw, he's upset him. It's not real.
313
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,520
DON'T TOUCH IT!
314
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:41,920
I'm sorry.
315
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,960
You've got a big problem.
316
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:51,760
If you have any sense of dignity -
your act is so poor -
you'll leave the stage.
317
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,520
I'll get you applause.
Quit while you're ahead.
318
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,920
The wonderful
Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!
319
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,960
APPLAUSE
320
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:12,280
My final guest in this show,
and in the series,
321
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:19,080
has dined with Fidel Castro,
President Kennedy,
Mikhail Gorbachev, and Bing Crosby.
322
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:23,840
He's the most feared, respected
and opinionated man in Britain.
323
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:28,400
He is the restaurant critic
of the Spectator magazine.
324
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,440
He's had more free dinners
than I've had hot dinners.
325
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:37,000
In Who's Who, under "hobbies",
it really does say,
326
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,560
"Food, food, glorious food...
and wine."
327
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,200
He's recovering from
a heart bypass operation.
328
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:48,640
Please welcome raconteur
and bon viveur, Forbes McAllister!
329
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,040
APPLAUSE
330
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:55,240
# On and on and on, keep on rocking
Till the night is gone
331
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,160
# On and on and on
332
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,480
# Till the night is gone
333
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:04,880
# On and on and on. #
334
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:13,560
This is the last time
I'm ever going to do this.
You know the form? Yes.
335
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:19,960
Let's make it a good 'un.
Knowing me, Alan... Aha.
You ruined the last one.
336
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,560
Hello, lesbians.
337
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:27,640
You were in the papers...
No moustache? What?
338
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:34,680
You had one last week. Made you look
like a spiv. Yes. I shaved it off -
it didn't suit me.
339
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,640
Made you look like a Lebanese pimp.
340
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,680
As I said, it didn't suit me.
341
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,080
It did.
342
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:48,720
You were in the papers yesterday
because you were at Sotheby's
343
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:55,160
for an auction where you paid over
£100,000 for the personal effects
of Lord Byron.
344
00:23:55,160 --> 00:24:02,000
Bring forward the personal
artefacts of Lord Byron.
£100,000 - a lot of money.
345
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,720
You must be a big fan. Can't stand
him - a ponce with a club foot.
346
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:09,640
So why have you bought all his bits?
347
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:15,520
Michael Winner was bidding for them,
and I hate him even more than Byron.
348
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:20,280
Ended up with this junk. A lock
of his hair. Look at that, lezzer.
349
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:26,040
A manuscript
of some of his rubbish poems.
350
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:30,120
Wanna look at rubbish?
Careful, they're valuable.
351
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:37,200
This is what Michael really wanted
to get his greasy hands on -
Lord Byron's duelling pistols.
352
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,840
Michael, I've got the pistols.
353
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:45,600
Can I ask you a question? Are you
entirely motivated by hatred?
354
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,920
Yes, I think I am.
355
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:54,160
It's rather perceptive of you.
Thank you. I hate YOU.
356
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:59,520
Wanda, Bridie, do you like Byron?
Hate him.
357
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:06,280
Yes. I find his work powerful
and moving. It speaks to me
like the sea in a shell.
358
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:11,920
You DO have a lovely voice. Yes.
I could fall in love with you...
359
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,520
..if you put a bag over your head.
360
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,280
Please.
361
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,640
I hate you.
362
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,840
Not as much as I hate you, though.
363
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,280
Forbes, we have a surprise for you.
364
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:32,920
We know that as you grew up in
Scotland, you loved the bagpipes.
365
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:35,960
So now the Balmoral Highland Pipers!
366
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,800
APPLAUSE
367
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:43,080
THEY PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"
368
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:01,640
Forbes, what do you say?
What do you think?
369
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:05,920
I used to throw stones at pipers.
I hate them.
370
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:12,880
They're Scotland's best bagpiping
combo. They've been on
How Do They Do That?
371
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:16,280
Do you want me to lie
and say I like bagpipes? Yes.
372
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:22,320
All right. I love the screeching,
wheezing, rasping din they make.
373
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:23,400
Careful.
374
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,880
SCREAMING
Oh, my God!
375
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,120
What happens now?
Is there a doctor?
376
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:33,400
It's not my fault.
377
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:37,680
I didn't know it was loaded.
Stay calm.
378
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:40,400
It wasn't my fault. Tosser!
379
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,800
You've killed him! Is he all right?
380
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:46,720
I'm afraid he's dead.
Cover him up.
381
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:48,080
With this.
382
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:50,880
You tit!
383
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,240
I'm the executive producer -
you're fired.
384
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,240
You just killed a man and I'M fired?
385
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,960
I'm fired? Yes. I'm fired? Yes.
386
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,800
Wanker! You're a wanker!
387
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:10,840
Get the pipers back on! We're
carrying on. Get them back on.
Back on? Back on.
388
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:15,760
This is Knowing Me, Knowing You,
With Alan Partridge, a live show.
389
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,520
In live television
anything can happen.
390
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:26,040
Do you remember Blue Peter
when the elephant...made a mess
on the studio floor?
391
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,400
Ironically,
it was in this very studio.
392
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,440
I can't deny I've made a mess.
393
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:37,520
Another exclusive for Knowing Me,
Knowing You, or KMKYWAP.
394
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:43,200
Just as a packet of Kmkywaps clears
up a mess, I'm going to clear this.
395
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:48,640
So, may I be the first to offer
my condolences to the family
of Forbes...
396
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:52,280
Glenn? McAllister. McAllister.
McAllister.
397
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:59,080
He's at peace now. He went out
like a light. No suffering -
I shot him in the heart.
398
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:04,400
It's time to close the show, and the
series, as Forbes would have wanted,
399
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:08,680
with the Balmoral Highland Pipers
playing us out,
400
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:11,760
and my wonderful guests
401
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:14,560
and lovely Alan Partridge Playmates.
402
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:19,080
I'll have to speak to the police
waiting in the wings.
403
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:23,120
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, the police - Aha!
404
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:26,560
I'll be chatting
with you in a short while.
405
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:30,320
Enjoy what's left of the show,
officers.
406
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:35,520
On that fatal bombshell, I must
say goodbye for the last time.
407
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:40,000
If you're in Manchester on the 17th,
I'm opening Texas Homecare.
408
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,560
So pop along, it should be fun.
409
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:49,440
This is me saying knowing me,
Alan Partridge, knowing you,
whoever you may be - AHA!
410
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,040
Subtitles by Kathy Jenkins
BBC - 1994
34299
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
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