All language subtitles for Im.Alan.Partridge.S02E05.I.Know.What.Alan.Did.Last.Summer.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor

That was Iggy Pop, part of our
Tuesday night "Punk Pack",

climaxing at midnight with Madness.

Norfolk Nights with Alan Partridge

and we're in the middle
of Super Talk. 'Super Talk! Brought
to you by Ginster's Pasties.'

Tonight,
we're Super Talking about evil dogs.

We've all seen them
in undesirable areas.

Donald from Hemsby e-mailed to say

dangerous dogs should have
their teeth replaced with rubber.

Excellent idea! I'm going to make
him our e-mail of the evening.

DALEK VOICE:
'E-mail of the evening!'

Donald wins our top prize,

which is a kind of Action Man
military figure.

On the box,
it says not suitable for children.

I wouldn't take any notice of that,

though my cousin bought a Tweenie
from a market in Brundall,

and it was full of soiled bandages.
Anyway, music...

Who's this beautiful blond man
with a lovely voice? Annie Lennox.

Fat arms, beards -
that's just the men...women.

Bill Withers, who, thank the Lord,
is still "with us".

I'll be back here tomorrow with
another fun prize, a piggy bank.

It's 1am.

As the whole of Norfolk sleeps,
something truly evil stirs.

All right? Shh! Actually...
His coffin lid opens

with a shuddering creak.
CREAK!

An owl hoots.
'Danny Francetti's Jazz Box.'

Sorry, it's the new digital system.
HOOT!

Out pops the vampire.
Count Davula of Cliftenvania.

He's fed up, not
because he can't see his reflection,
but because he can. That's right!

I've been up all night
drinking human blood. Is that all?

And there is one person that I
would love to drive a stake through.
It's the only thing you'll drive.

What d'you mean? Since your ban.
You should be banned
from broadcasting,

for those prizes you've been giving!
This...this coming from the man

who once gave away a CD removed
from the cover of a music magazine.

Ah, yes... All right, folks,
we're gonna Go West.

Hmm! That was the best
full English breakfast I've had
since Gary Wilmot's wedding.

It was really superb? Oh, yeah.

I'd have that three times a day
if I could, but I'd be dead.

It kill you? Yeah, it's cholesterol.
Scottish people eat it.

Few of them make 60. Why are
there holes in my Daily Mail?

I do collage - look.

I cut out the heads of U2
and put on top of space clothes.

I see. The idea is
that U2 are going into space?

Interesting. Send it
to the fan club. I already have.

Oh, you're not just sexy,

you're also a...
a very good, er, fan club member.

I also tell them my boyfriend
is friend with Bono.

Yes, I am, yes.
Are you going to introduce me? Yeah.

Can I put in journal I am good cook
of full English breakfast?

Yes, you can. In fact,
I've made a few notes...yes.

Bacon, 10 on 10. Button mushrooms,
bingo! Black pudding, snap...

Minor criticism - more distance
between the eggs and the beans...

I may want to mix them,
but I want that to be my decision.

Use a sausage as a breakwater.

But I'm nit-picking.

On the whole, very good.
7 on 10. Let's make love. OK.

I always find a fried breakfast
makes an excellent aphrodisiac.

Excuse me.

You don't want to wash the dishes?

Uh-uh, let's make love
right here, right now.

OK, just fold this table away.

You should feel it clip
in the housing.

Yeah, I'm gonna hump ya!

OK, just down there...
No, that's it... That's it, yeah.

Like Deputy Dog would hump ya!

There we go. Right.
You want fitted sheet?

No, we'll use a beach towel.

Alan, I buy you another present.

What? It's a London love taxi.

Ah! I put my heart in back of taxi
and tell driver to go to you.

Don't know what you're on about.

Just put that up there with the
others. Getting a bit crowded now.

Like London!

Which I spell S-H-I-T-H-O-L-E -
shithole!

Let's start with, er, some petting.

KNOCKING
Alan, it's me. Get in, Lynn.

Lynn, what do you think
is Sonja's best feature?

Her hair? No. Her neck? No. Eyes?

Eyelashes? Gonna take for ever.
Her lovely dainty feet.

Big feet remind me of gammon.

Have you decided
what you're gonna call the house?

I've narrowed it down to Lord House,
Ace House

and the Cinnamons.

Why don't we call it Our House?

Yeah, we...we...could call it that.

D'you want to make a note of that?

Now, Alan, I need to know
you're completely ready
for the Inland Revenue.

Got your receipts?
Some are on a spike over there,
you have some in a fat envelope.

The rest are in a shoe box
I threw off a ferry - a low point.

Now be prepared. These tax people
can stay indefinitely.

If I have to put back my roger
with Sonja once more, I'll burst!

I'll have...
I'll have to resort to Plan B.
Got everything for the meeting?

You're gonna be there. They're
not investigating me. We're both in
this. What are you hiding? Nothing.

Bill Oddie gave me a dressing gown
for Christmas.

He enclosed a receipt
so I could take it back if I wanted.

I submitted his receipt for
tax purposes. I'm guilty as hell!

And if I go down,
you'll go down with me.

I want you to lie for me.

I can't do that. In the eyes of God,
I... Lynn, I'm on God's side.

I can't stand the devil.
I think he's bang out of order.

I think he's an evil, evil idiot.

I know in the Ten Commandments
it says thou shalt not lie,

but if the Elephant Man came in now,

with some lipstick on and a dress
and said, "How do I look?"

bearing in mind that he's depressed
and got respiratory problems,

would you say,
"Take that blusher off, you ugly
misshapen-headed elephant tranny?"

No, I'd say, "You look very nice."
Exactly -
you'd say, "You look nice...John."

Now, the tax people
are coming in an hour -

you've got one hour to get ready.
Alan, look what I draw.

What's that? It's an alien judge.
Golly! An alien judge!

And the alien judge...the alien
judge is shooting the taxman...

and the taxman's head has come off
and all the blood is spurt out.

You promised me Sonja wasn't going
to be here when the tax people came.
I bloody forgot, didn't I?

Speak quickly. She won't understand.

What can we do about her? Very good.

I'll send her into Norwich
on an errand.

Sonja, what are your plans?

I go to coffee shop of course.
Prob...lved. Pardon? Problem solved.

Sonja, Lynn'll give you a lift. OK.

And, er, the house names? I'm going
to call it Excalibur Cottage.

Can't mess about on this one, Lynn.

You'll be ready for the tax people?

Yeah, chill out, babe...
love...Lynn. The last one.

See ya! Wouldn't want to be...

Oh, she's gone. Hello, Alan.

Hello...er...

HIGH-PITCHED:
Tell me your name.

John.
COCKNEY: John, me old mucker!

I'm from Manchester. M62.

How's it going in the lounge?
Uncovered any old fireplaces?

No, it's a brand-new house!
Good call!

Well, if you need me...
COCKNEY: ..I'll be in the caravan.

Sorry, you're from Manchester,
yeah? Cotton and guns.

MUSIC STARTS

Mr Partridge? We're from
the Inland Revenue. No, you're not.

Yes, we are. Oh, er, come in, then.

Hello. Sit over there.

Hello. Hi.

Well, wolves at the door.

You'll huff and you'll puff...
and where's the other pig?

Sorry, only just met you.
Got off to a bad start.

Sorry - we are early.
The being-early trick. Mind games.

I'm shit chatting,
sorry, chit shatting, oh...

I'm Monica, this is Catherine. Hi.

Today's purely a straightforward
random investigation.

D'you want something to eat? No,
thanks, no. I'll check the fridge.

OK, we've got a net bag of Babybels.

They're for the car. I'm driving
to Harrogate. D'you want a beer?

No. No, thanks, no.
That's another old trick, isn't it?

Spike the drink,
pop you in the boot of the Lexus
and dump you in the North Sea.

Yeah, could tie a jack to your leg!

We've eaten. Thanks.
Want a teddy bear? I could pop it
in the washing machine.

Do you think we could see you?
Hello!

My name's Graham.

Don't be horrible to Alan.
He doesn't avoid tax -
he only evades tax...

Other way round... Shut up!

Please,
why don't you just sit down? Yeah.

So let's have a look at
a couple of your company records.

Tomahawk Leisure. What was that?
That was a company which we set up,

we looked into it
and then we closed it down again -
it was inoperable.

Wonder if I can walk like this.
I could've been R2-D2.

What about Apache Communications?
I've got a leaflet on that.

Mine's a pint.

It's not here! "It's not here!"
That's the bear again.

This is going well.
Chicken drumstick? No, thanks.

I've got a chocolate Marble Arch.
It's very well rendered.

Should've got them to do the house.
Better than these bastards. Still,
at least they're cash in hand...

Alan, cash in hand -
not a phrase we like.

Yeah. If everything's above board,
you've got nothing to worry about.

I've nothing to hide. Search me!

Oh, no, that's Customs and Excise,
isn't it?

Could we have a look
at the receipts on your spike?

Yes. I have a confession to make.

When I raised my legs, something
happened which was unplanned.

I released
an unexpected but potent gust.

I'd like to apologise in advance
if it registers,
because it is out there.

We understand if you're nervous.

There's a receipt here for
a cinema ticket for one to Shrek.

Research. Next question.
It seems to be on the same day...

there's a receipt for shoes from
Dolcis in Dundee. I had no shoes.

Can't see Shrek in your bare feet!

A receipt for a dressing gown.
Do you want to tell us about that?

Yes. Can you hold these, please?

All right, Alan?

All right.

All right...?

John. John, yeah, that's right.

I think of you as Bleachy Head
because of your hair.

I could leap off you
if I get depressed again.

Just let off in
a tax inspectress's face.

Let off?
And it was mostly deliberate.

Yeah. D'you want one, Al?

No, I don't smoke,
I'm one of the anticancer set. Yeah.

We're a dying breed...
Well, we're not - you are.

I don't mean you've got cancer!

Maybe you have,
and, if you haven't, I apologise...

If you have,
take the rest of the day off.

No, I've not got cancer, Al.

Can't be too careful.
Testicular, that's the one!

Always check for extra lumps. Aye.
Yeah.

Some guys feel uncomfortable about
it, but I combine it with a scratch.

Or get your girlfriend to do it.
Yeah... Yeah.

Yeah, I've got a girlfriend.

Bonking like mad last night!
Getting down to it? We were!

If it weren't for the telescopic
dampers on all four corners,

that place would've been wobbling
like a very rude house...

I say telescopic dampers,
I mean rigid stays.

How's the grouting coming along?

Well, it's not, because we haven't
decided on the tiles yet, have we?

Yeah, all right... Well,
just carry on building the house.

What's that?
Er, it's a tip. I panicked.

But do declare it.

Sorry about that.
Just having a chinwag about cancer.

Serious subject. I once found
a lump under my arm. Awful.

Turned out it was just a knot
in my vest. Hi, Alan.

What are you doing back?
I had a row with Tomek.

I tell him to put his coffee shop
up inside his ass.

I'm in a static home with three
women. Don't all go to the toilet,
because it really is too small.

But it's solid! The chemicals there
will dissolve a corpse.

You tell tax people
they won't find your money.

These are very important people.

She wears no make-up!
That's irrelevant. Excuse me...

Do you want to go to prison?
Do you want to go to prison?

You say prison's holiday camp. I was
making a point about something else.

Just go out and say,
"No, I don't pay - tax is rubbish."

You're not the Chancellor! If you
were, the country would go to pot!

You want a good little
shut-up Sonja? Zip! Thank you.

Oh!

Oh, God, it's all right,
it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK.

HE MOANS

Oh, did you see all that?

Oh, great! Lynn, the fat envelope!

Not you, Lynn.
I'm just going to Choristers. Lynn
will answer all your questions. Bye.

Where d'you want these sockets, Al?

Two there, two there,
one in the middle for the computer.

Hi...

Woof!

Guide Dogs For The Blind.
Cruel, isn't it?

You know, forcing a dog
to pull a man round all day.

Not fair on either of them.

Cheers! Yeah...

Girlfriend's left me...

yeah.

Got to be honest - I'm chuffed!

She weren't expecting that.

Yeah, when I get home tonight...

I'm just gonna have a sandwich
and watch Trevor McDonald.

Probably won't even brush my teeth.

Sleep in my trousers.

Some of the things me and my
girlfriend do is pretty top shelf.

Top shelf in this country,
not abroad.

I don't want to see an erection.
Unless it's in the mirror!

Finished with the Daily Mail?
Cheers.

Yeah...

Yeah, I think I'll go and read
Simon Heffer on the verandah...

Ain't no-one gonna stop me!

I don't know what I'm gonna do.
We have it off all the time.

At least it'll be an end
to all that London crap!

Big Ben teddy bears and all that!
You hate London.
Yeah, but there is an upside -

all those small taxis
made me feel like a giant.

I arranged them on the floor
and I marched round, saying,

"Fee, fi, fo, fum!
I smell the blood of
an ungrateful bunch of bastards!"

But she's a good cook. She did a
fantastic full English. That's daft.

A good English breakfast.
Still making it too bunched up?

Yes. The egg... Too close
to the beans. When will they learn?

Mind, she was sexy, you know. Yes.
She wore a G-strap.

That's for hygiene reasons.
Let's the buttocks breathe.

D'you wear it or floss with it?
Or slice cheese with it.
Or all three! No, that's unhygienic.

I had a girlfriend and
now I haven't! What am I gonna do?

Well, get yourself another.
No chance - British?!

Alan, I've called the police.
What for?

I thought it was best.
She'll turn up one way or the other.

This isn't Silent Witness.

Hello. Sonja!

Where were you?
I buy a present for Alan. Guess?

A bear dressed as a Beefeater? Yes!
And then I went back to caravan
and chucked out the tax woman.

Lovely! Did you buy me a present
to say sorry for being cross?

Yes, I did.
And I'll just go and get it.

There we go. It's a video
by the West Country comedian Jethro
and it's signed by Bono.

D'you know Bono? Yes.
He is big friends with Bono.

Yeah. When did he sign that? When
I was at his house. His house? Yes.

Bollocks! You don't know Bono.

I do know Bono.

Take me to Bono's house.
To Bono's house?

We'll go, but you'll look stupid.

Thanks, you two,
for dropping me right in it!

Put these on the tab.

Alan, you don't remember
where is Bono's house?

I will remember - the last time
I was there, I took some pot
and I was briefly mindless.

He has a huge dog. He may be drunk
and unleash it. Normally, I ring
ahead. I am not scared to dogs.

You should be -
these are more like fat horses.

Have your hands off before Bono can
stop it. What sort of dog is that?

The sort of dog that the Nazis
used to chase Steve McQueen.
They are trained and right-wing!

This is it...
this is Bono's house! Eureka!

Those spiky trees... Yeah.
..I think are Joshua trees.

What are all these cars?
These are all, er, Bono's.

All these cars? Yeah.

He's got the biggest collection
of hatchbacks in the country. Bono!

Bono!

Well, this is it,
this is where the idiot lives.

Lovely pictures up there
of lads with big hair...

Henry VIII. He was a shit.

Bono? Ah, no, he's not here.

Fancy a curry? No, I want to see.
Right. OK.

Yes, this is Bono's bedroom.

Not sure if he's in. Bono!

No, he's not. He sometimes likes to
lie there with the Sunday Express,

and the biggest bowl of Alpen
you've ever seen. Massive, it is.

Name a U2 album. Joshua Tree.

Yeah, I knew that because
he composed half of it over there...

and the other half...over there.

These people are friends of Bono?
Still on that?

Why the red rope? Why plastic fruit?

The man is mentally ill.
I've seen him eat a plastic pie.

But in normal house, you don't
have 40 tables all the same.

The very fact you're questioning
my...my...my...my...my...

my God!

Hello, Alan. Good news.

You got my text, then?

Hello, Alan. Hello, Bono.
Er, d'you wanna have a seat?

How's, er...how's the Edge?

The Edge is fine. And Adam Clayton?

Adam Clayton is fine.

How's, um, the drummer?
The drummer is fine.

When d'you last see the gang?

I saw them last Thursday
at a pop concert.

Who were playing? We were.
Right. Didn't see that advertised.

Sack your PR people. We did! Good.
How long you live in house?

Since the '80s...

Blickling Hall
was built by Sir Henry Hobart...

on the site
of a late-medieval predecessor...

He is not Bono - he is rubbish.
He is! Lynn, are those
your mother's cataract glasses?

Yes, they are. What's your name?

Andrew. Andrew, a friend of Lynn's
from the Baptist church?

That's right. What do I owe you?

Just a contribution for the church.

OK. What - a fiver? 30. 30?

That's very generous.
I've been ambushed.

Help yourself to a scone.
Probably sick of canteen food
from being on tour.

I forgot - you're not Bono!

Yeah, I've changed my mind
about Excalibur Cottage.

I think I'll just call it...
Ye House.

Aaaaaaargh!

What you doing?
I've killed a bear. Who is he?

It's a second-hand beefeater bear.

Sonja,
beefeaters do not live in caravans.

They live in the Tower of London
and they are restaurants.

He is brilliant present.

It's not an appropriate gift
for a man approaching 50.

It's too big.
How did you get it here?

By bus. You took that on the bus?!

Anyone who knows us might've
thought it was me inside there.

Me - wearing a bear costume.
They'd think I'd lost it again.

It's very nice.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

When I've calmed down, I'll kiss
him better where I stabbed him...

next to his thorax...he'll be fine.

I'll make it up to you. Tomorrow,
you can do whatever you want!

I want to go to London.
That's fine.

Yeah.