All language subtitles for Im.Alan.Partridge.S02E03.Brave.Alan.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor

'Amazing!
We're pulling ourselves together

'after a visit from Lester Price,
who's had us in stitches.'
LAUGHING

'Time to hand over to Alan
Partridge. He's here with Norfolk
Nights.

'Ready Alan?' Yes. Good night. 'Good
night, Alan.' The Nesbitt sisters.

Tonight we're talking about death.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

'Wivenhoe. Flitwick.

'Tiptree. Holbeach.

'Pinchbeck. Terrington St Clement.

'Thetford Forest. It's 10pm.

'This is Norfolk Nights
with Alan Partridge.'

How would you like to be disposed
of when you're dead? We're taking
letters and e-mails on that tonight.

A letter from Mike, who's 24.

He'd like to be buried in a large
coffin with two Page 3 stunners.

They're alive, he says...

I'm not reading this. No.

Another letter here from Susan,

from Spixworth. She'd like her
ashes to be scattered in a meadow.

That's the kind of thing we want.

Sorry. We're also taking e-mails
on the big question -
what happens after we die?

Frederick e-mails to say he is the
proud father of a new baby boy. His
daughter has just started school.

And he thinks that after death
there is NOTHING.

Two questions. How are we eating?
What floor's the restaurant on?

The answer is:
The Chinese Way, and Level 42.

Dead daddy-long-legs.

I'm still drinking it.

Ooh, that was Terence Trent D'Arby,
cocky man from the '80s,

helping everyone relax
in Alan's Deep Bath.

'Alan's Deep Bath.'

We're down to the final lather.

Just relax. There's a foamy bit
on your shoulder.

Let's make it more frothy with
a squirt of light lemon liquid.
Don't you feel goo-oo-ood? Relax.

Don't fall asleep and slip under.
Some terrible statistics about that.

Let's just finish your neck off now
with some final suds.

Mmmmmmm...

'Alan's Deep Bath... Bath...'

'Brought to you by Dettol.'
It's 1am.

Calling all pigeons.
There's a cat amongst you.
That cat is Dave Clifton,

prrrropping up the bar
at his fictional Night Club. Yeah.

Better a fictional Night Club
than a fictional Bath, Alan.

Better than fictional listeners.
Bad enough sitting on your own
in a real night club, which you do.

Sitting on your own in a fictional
one is the worth of boast worlds.
Sorry?

You mean the worst of both worlds?
No, I do mean
the worth of boast worlds.

In the world of boasters -
not the biscuits, but people
who boast, like you -

their worth is worth...

You know... OK, here's Matt Bianco.

RECORD PLAYS

Chap parked on the wrong side
of the pumps.

People think the petrol cap of a
Ford Focus is on the off-side rear.

When will they learn? You know what
that is, Michael? It's sa-a-ad. Aye.

No point pulling it. It's not gonna
reach. Determined to make it reach.

Oh, he has done.

Good show the night?
Did anybody phone in?

Discussed reincarnation
with a chap from Spixworth.

He was convinced that in a previous
life he'd been Arthur Askey.

I pointed out that his and Askey's
life had overlapped,

and he backed down. I believe
in reincarnation. I'd like to come
back as a animal, like a dolphin.

Dolphins are intelligent.

I could jump through a hoop, catch
a fish in me mooth. Really? Yeah.

Can you do this?
CLICKING
What's that? A dolphin chatting.

Oh, I can dae a whale.
Whoooooooooo! No.

No, that's a homosexual. Oh.

It's fascinating - reincarnation. I
wonder what Lynn would come back as.

I've always seen her as a badger.

Coming out of a hole, sniffing the
air. Smack her heid with a shovel.

I wouldn't do that,
even if she was a badger.

Got to control them. They've got TB.
So had the Bronte sisters.

I wouldn't hit them with a shovel
no matter how bad the books were.

"Heathcliff!" Pang!

Then you really would be wuthering.

Look, a Lexus.
A better one than yours.

Interesting. Since owning a Lexus
it's amazing the number of Lexi
you see around. That's the plural.

Daily Mail. Yeah. Arguably the best
newspaper in the world. Oh, yeah.

Nice Lexus. Yes, I, er...
I love Lexi. Oh.

I say about Lexus, it's like the...
Japanese Mercedes.

Well, I hate Mercs. People
who drive them are just sa-a-ad.

Are you wearing Lynx?
Well smelt. Voodoo. Java.

Alan Partridge. Dan Moody.
Pleased to meet you.

I wear Tommy Hillfinger.
It's Hilfiger. No, it says
"Hillfinger" on the bottle.

Did you buy it down the market? Aye.

Amazing Lexus connection.
You drink Director's bitter?

Got it in my taps. Have you?
I'm joking. Great!

We both like the Daily Mail.
We both drive Lexi. Plural. Plural.

Both drink Director's bitter.
It's like the X-Files,
but a pleasant X-Files.

The Lex-Files. God, that's good.

Can I shake your hand? Take a card.

Oh, you combined the card with the
handshake. I got that wrong. Gave
a paper cut to a man from Nestle.

You own Kitchen Planet?
The very same.

It's massive. 10,000 square feet
of sheer kitchens. I know you.
Norfolk Nights. The very same.

And Skirmish - a military-based
general knowledge quiz show on
digital cable channel UK Conquest,

that has the largest audience share
for a digital channel at that time
of day in the Norfolk area.

Dae him a cheap kitchen. He wants
a kitchen. I wouldn't insult this
man by asking for a 25% discount.

I can get you a kitchen. Let's talk.

Fancy a Flav? Flavia - good call.
King of coffees. In off the red.

How do you take it? Unleaded.
Mine's diesel. What does that mean?
I don't know.

We should go for a proper drink.
You provide quality kitchens.
I provide... Quality radio.

And I work in a petrol station.
Just us going for the drink.

Fine. I'll get hammered on me own.

I'll walk you to your Lexus. Great.

Shall I put these on the tab? What
tab? I wish I could afford a tab.

I CAN afford one.
I've got a six-figure income.

Sonja, that was classic intercourse.

So, er... So, thanks.

OK, let's just pop the extractor
fan on, get a through draught going.

Alan, do you want an egg in a bap?
Yes, please.

Here comes your egg in a bap.

Great. Mmm. Yum-yum. It's plastic.

Yeah... I'll look back on that
as an excellent practical joke.

There's a whoopee cushion in here?
Yes. Look forward to that surprise.

PHRRRRRRRT

Where's Lynn? She's never late.

This Dan, the kitchen man - you like
him? You think he will be friend?
I'm convinced he's my best friend.

It was difficult in coffee shop.
I had to cut the carrot cake.

And they say nurses have it tough.

KNOCKING
Oh, Lynn, come in. Sorry I'm late.

I know I'm not LATE.
I'm just a little bit late.

Did you...? I couldn't find my keys.

Had a late night. Went for a curry.
As we left, the heavens opened
and we were stuck in the foyer.

We were just pointing at the rain,
saying, "We're stuck, we're stuck."

Lynn, has your mother's death
just hit you? No, we were stuck
in the foyer... Hang on.

We? Me and my friend from church.
Her name? It's a he. Lynn, sit down.

PHRRT

Don't worry about that. It's just
a cushion that simulates rectal gas.

What's his name? Gordon.

How long has Gordon been a member
of the church? A few weeks.

He's a con man.
No, he's a retired policeman.

Bigamists have several identities.

To him, your building society book
makes fascinating reading.

Sorry. Just thinking of Gordon and
me stuck in the rain. Stop laughing,
Lynn. You're laughing at weather.

Like your mother
in her last few weeks. We'll have
a serious talk in the morning.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Partridge. The static home.

Dan! Sir Dansworth of Moodyshire,
as I live and breathe. I knew it.

I keyed it in last night when
I drove home. Nearly hit a badger.
Well, they're pests.

Yeah, they carry TB.

So, how's it hanging?
Yes, I dress on the left, too.

I'd love to. Love to. Dan has
asked me to present a prize at
the Norfolk Bravery Awards tonight.

Nice. I'd be delighted.
Got to put a bit back.

No! Please!

Oh.

My Ukrainian girlfriend was
attacking me with a rubber hammer.

She's mildly cretinous.
OK, bye. Bye-bye.

You know who's going to be at
the Norfolk Bravery Awards? Who?

Who? It reads like a Who's Who
of anyone who's anyone in Norfolk.

Do you want me to come, Alan?
No, thanks. We'll be fine. You and
Gordon can go and laugh at drizzle.

Tonight I will try out some of my
jokes and make brave people laugh.

You need me...? Keep her away from
the dignitaries. And brave people?

She can mingle with them, but she
mustn't use a whoopee cushion on
someone with ME. Bye. One thing...

Aaargh! It's a joke knife!
A joke knife!

It's a joke knife.

It's funnier than rain.

Dan's a fantastic man.

He really is.

I was making him laugh on the phone.

He was asking me what kind of phone
I had. I said a Motorola Timeport.

And he said, "That's sa-a-ad.
You want to upgrade." I said,
"So do you - to a new face."

He nearly soiled himself.

He said he laughed so much he had
Kenko coming out of his nostrils,
and that made ME laugh.

But my nostrils were clear.

You can drown in a cup of coffee.
Or is it an inch of water? Aeeeigh!

Alan, look.
You're taking a man to the party.

Get it off her.

Oh, look, Sonja.

Alan!

Well done, Lynn. That was textbook.

I will. But, Lynn,

have a word with the builder. His
jeans were so far off his backside
you could more or less see his anus.

There's Dan.

Dan!

Dan! Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Dan! Dan!

Dan! Dan! Dan!

Dan!

Dan! Dan!

Dan!

No, he's not seen me.

I'll get him later.

DAN!!

Fine, fine.

APPLAUSE

These awards are about people like
Susan Cresswell, who is braver than
ten firemen or a dozen policemen.

Four years ago, Susan lost her hand
in a cake-cutting machine.

She managed to walk 400 yards
holding her hand in...in her other
hand, where she hailed a taxi.

Imagine what that looked like.
The driver drove her to a newsagent.

The hand was packed in Soleros,
Magnums, Mini Milks and a Feast.

After six hours of surgery,

the hand was sewn back on.

Sadly, it didn't work.
Off it came again.

She still had one good hand and she
was damned if anyone was going to
take it. Not suggesting they would.

Anyway, the point is, four years
later she is credit controller

at Cromwell's Certificated Bailiffs.

Please give a big ha... Welcome.
Applaud like mad
for Susan Cresswell!

APPLAUSE

Single-Hand Sue there,
tackling the buffet.

Like a human JCB.

See that man with the big head?
Yeah. That's Mike Yapley.
Who owns the car supermarket?

The very same. Such a character.
He's got a heart of gold.

TEETH of gold.
I heard he hit a prostitute.

How was your visit to the lavatory?
Mission accomplished. Splashdown.

Did you see Mr Brown
off to the coast? Yeah, I should
get a bravery award for that.

No, seriously, it was textbook.

Alan, this is Bob Fraser.

I own Sexton's garden centre. Wow.
If a bomb went off in here tonight,
society will collapse...in Norwich.

For a bit. Yeah.

Just going to have a chinwag
with Mike Yapley. Don't dress
as a whore. He'll thump you.

Alan, you must meet
my lady wife, Ceri.

I love your Deep Bath. Dan has told
me all about you. What did he say?

He just said he was married.
Give the man a twirl.

Let the dog see the rabbit. Oh,
yeah. But which is which? Sorry.

Obviously, I'm the dog.
You're a terrific rabbit.

Lovely olden days map of Norfolk.

Norfolk, the Rump of Britain. Looks
more like a boob. I stand corrected,

said the man in the orthopedic
shoes. Cracking.

There goes Karen Colman. Colman?
Colman's mustard Colman? Yeah.

The Grace Kelly with black hair
of Norfolk. Her house is massive.

They use it in Hammer Horror films.
Can I talk to her?
It's a free country. Oh...

I'm keeping an eye on Sonja. Make
sure she hasn't got any stink bombs.

If she detonates those
it'll be the mother of all pongs.
Then we'll see who's brave.

About 300,

and I'd just started my speech
when the heavens opened.

Everybody got absolutely drenched.
We quickly moved into the marquee,

which was leaking like a sieve...

Like to meet Karen Colman?
Well, yes... Room for a brave one?
Beep-beep! We're on wheels here.

Excuse me, Mustard! I mean, Karen!

This lady would love to meet you.
Hi. I'm Patricia Lessing.

Karen Colman. Nice of you to come.

I hope you're being looked after...
Meet Bob. He owns a garden centre.

She's an amazing woman. Amazing.

My grandfather was in a wheelchair.
Really? Born in a wheelchair? No.

Karen, could I bend your ear? Yes,
of course. I run a project helping
disabled people set up in business.

We must talk. I'll get you a drink.
Thanks. Would you be brave enough
to let me finish my conversation?

I wanted to talk about my project.
It's just a meet-and-greet.

You can push your way
to the front of the buffet queue.
It's not all doom and gloom.

Where's she gone?

She drove off.

As a mustardess, what's your view
on the new kids on the block?

I mean, things like tabasco sauce
and soy.

Do those keep you awake at night?

Well, as we say in our family,
too much mustard gets up your nose.
Marvellous!

So many brave people here.
They're so ruddy, bloody brave.

I love brave people.
Sir Donald Campbell.

Evel Knievel.

Braveheart.
And, of course, yourself.

Oh, I'm not brave.
I just do my bit. Fund-raising
for mental health charities.

That's one charity I avoid. Don't
wanna get tarred with the mad brush.

I really should go and mingle now.

I had mental health problems.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
I should have realised.
I did wonder when I met you.

I won't bore you with the details.

I drove to Dundee in my bare feet
after buying the rights to K9,
the robot dog from Dr Who.

We must talk. I've done
a lot of work in that field.

Found out how much she's got?

You know that thing about Norfolk
being like a breast? Ceri just said
the A47 ring road is the areola.

Not my kind of humour. I arrest you
for sucking up to a mustard magnate.

You're not a cop. Citizen's arrest.
I'll shoot you. Bullet-proof blazer.

A head shot. I'm the Terminator.
You can't kill me.
I've got your kids, Dan.

Oh, cook a cat.

I met Jack on the internet, got
married. He went back his first
wife. My boyfriend call him Jack
Shit.

Is this lady annoying you? No.

She told me the problems in getting
into the country. People like Sonja
should be helped to settle here.

I think you have to judge each case
on its merits. Listen.

Things are winding down. Friends
are coming for a drink at the house.

Splendid and tremendous.
It's a girls only night tonight.

Loads of women
talking blabbering crap.

Look, I am brave.
My eye is falling out.

That's the tip of the iceberg.

Oh, you think it's funny. I love it.

This will make you laugh.
Too much mustard gets up your nose?

Nonsense.

I'm going to give Sonja
a telephone number.

There's someone you should talk to.

I'm fine. I just need some...
Need some water. Bye, Alan.

I won't kiss you goodbye. I'll kiss
you later. And the rest. Whoa!

Oh, Lynn, Lynn. Have you seen Dan?

No. I think...
I think everyone's gone.

Right. And, er...
what are you doing?

I'm going out with Gordon.
You're welcome to join us.
No, no, no. I've got lots of plans.

Zombies!

Michael?

Michael? Ah... Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

DOG BARKS
Someone lock the dog in!

Oh, Mr Partridge. Hello, Michael.

I canna sell you any petrol.
No, no, just passing.
Just thought I'd...say hello.

Would you like some soup?

I'm not a tramp. Just offering you
something to eat. What have you got?

I can do you a cup of beans. A cup
of beans? Never had a cup of beans?

You're in for a treat here.

No, stay there. Yeah, right.

There you go. As ordered, one cup
of beans. I've put a sausage in.

It's a Michael special. Lovely. It's
sort of like a savoury 99. Aye. Aye.

Use the sausage to scoop the beans.

Have you got a spoon? No.

You haven't got a spoon?

There's one in the bathroom
but I've no cause to use it.

You all right, Michael? You seem
a bit at a loose end. I'm watching
a documentary aboot triads. Oh.

I always wondered how they got
those swords through customs. Aye.

Probably put them inside a cardboard
tube like what you'd put a poster in
That's a good idea. Yeah. Bye. Bye.

What do you want me to do with...?
Put it on the step. Yeah, right.

Lynn, I'm at Dan's big house. Can
you bring the kitchen brochures?

So that's Smeg, Neff,

Poggenpohl and Bosch.

Come on in. Can we still talk about
kitchens? I speak no other language.
Drink? Yeah.

Nice, big, fat shot
of Director's bitter.

Oh, hello, Alan. Hello. Budge up.
Er, yeah. Sorry I'm a bit late.

What've you been up to? Trying
to out-dance a computer. Impossible.

Then fought some zombies with a boy
in care. Wiped the floor with him.

Your hand is 30 mil from my gland.

If I was dressed on the other side,

it would be in contact...
Your little finger just touched it.
I'll just...just pop that there.

The Kitchen. Good. The one for you.

Budge up. What? That way? Yeah.

That's a good stainless steel hob.
Very futuristic. That's you.

You're naked.

There's you. Hello, Dan.

Is that a granite work-surface

that's supporting you both?

Not Corian, the marble substitute?

Corian is to marble what MDF
is to wood. I've got wood there.

No, that's MDF. Oh, I see,
you're making a joke.

MDF's banned in America. So's THAT.

Oh... All done.

I'll go. Alan... I've remembered
my dad is...still dead.

He's dead. My dad's dead.

Alan? Er... Alan? That was quick.

You told me to bring the brochures.
Drink, Lynn? A Bailey's, please.

Take a seat.
Sit there, sit there, sit...

Oh, this IS a comfy sofa.

Oh, Jesus! I'll, er...
I'll get the drinks. Agh!

I'll see where your drink is.

Lynn, these are sex people.
What do you mean? Sex swappers.

This is Def Con 1. Look.

Urgh! Don't make that noise.
They'll think you want to join in.

I'll pause it...
I've hit fast forward.

Looks like a sort of hard-core
Benny Hill. That's the kitchen
work-surface I told you about.

Bailey's. No. I don't want
to be in your sex festival.

Sex festival?

Erm, can I be very rude?
Not like THAT.

Try me. No, no. Pack it in. I don't
want to have sex with your wife,

though from the promotional video,
I see I'd have a ruddy good time.

A little hug? A quick one.

Don't rub your fanny on me!

Look forward to listening to your
Deep Bath later, Alan. Yeah. Yeah.

'From Felixstowe to Spalding,
all the issues.'

It's 11.30, time for my Deep Bath.

'Alan's Deep Bath.'
That's the last one.

We're stopping this.
There's the Bath.

Wash yourself. There's a loofah.
Do...do be clean.

'There's a big, coarse towel.'

Rinse the bath. Use the shower
nozzle to blast off the scum.
Here's Brian And Michael.

# He painted Salford's smoky tops
On cardboard boxes from the shops

# And parts of Ancoats
where I used to play

# I'm sure he once
walked down our street

# Cos he painted kids
who had nowt on their feet

# The clothes they wore
had all seen better days

# And he painted matchstalk men
and matchstalk cats and dogs

# He painted kids
on the corner of the street
in their sparking clogs

# Now he takes his brush
and he waits

# Outside them factory gates

# To paint his matchstalk men
and matchstalk cats and dogs... #

King of Anglia!