Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,520
Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell,
2
00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:11,960
in which she complains
that they paved Paradise
to put up a parking lot,
3
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:17,880
a measure which, actually, would
have alleviated traffic congestion
on the outskirts of Paradise,
4
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:24,640
something which Joni fails to point
out, perhaps because it doesn't fit
her blinkered view of the world.
5
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:29,080
It's 4.35am. You're listening to
Up With The Partridge.
6
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:32,600
COCK CROWS
7
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:36,520
Now it's time
for Alan's fact of the day.
8
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,000
Crabsticks do not
actually contain any crab.
9
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:46,000
Since 1993,
manufacturers have had to label
them "crab-flavoured sticks".
10
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,560
Another one of those
same time tomorrow.
11
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:53,160
Radio Norwich! The best music!
12
00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:57,560
Pray silence, please,
for the Electric Light Orchestra!
13
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:08,360
The string back gives you
a bit of extra purchase.
14
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:13,600
Time to hand over to mein breakfast
host David Clifton. ..Good morning.
15
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,280
Good morning, Mr Alan Partridge.
16
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,480
I heard your phone-in.
17
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:23,000
That chap from Swaffham was whacky.
He was.
18
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,640
I think he was a bit simple.
19
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:33,720
You were laying into the criminals.
Vandals get your car again? 'Fraid
so. Third time. Subhuman scum.
20
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:40,520
..OK, it's 7am. Wakey, wakey,
it's The Breakfast Show!
Here's Yazoo.
21
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:54,440
Lynn, message from Alan.
Something to pitch to Tony Hayers
at BBC lunch, Friday.
22
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,000
Idea for film extravaganza.
Plot thus...
23
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:04,520
Malcolm McDowell is trapped
in the future, being pursued
by a cyberpunk from the past,
24
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,040
played by Rutger Hauer.
25
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,480
This is a terrible idea...
26
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:13,680
I've not thought it through.
I'll call you back.
27
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:17,480
# She's a killer queen...
28
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,840
# Guaranteed to blow your mind... #
29
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:26,040
Good morning, Alan.
How are you today? Classic Queen!
30
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:30,760
Very well. How are you? Fine.
Like those earrings.
31
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:36,040
They gold? Yes, rolled gold. That's
not really gold, is it? Very nice.
32
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:40,480
They're like little wax tears
dripping sadly from your ears.
33
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:45,160
..Don't cry, ears. You're
on the side of a lovely head.
34
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:50,240
Good show this morning? It was
a belter. Did you hear it? No.
35
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,000
Oh. Any messages?
36
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:58,400
Just the one - from Bill Oddie. He
leave a message? No. He never does.
37
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,240
I'm afraid
I've got some very bad news. Oh?
38
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:08,440
I'm leaving you, YOU COW! Sorry,
bit of a joke that. It backfired.
39
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:12,320
I'm going to be checking out
at the end of the week.
40
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:16,320
Are you going back to your wife?
Carol? Oh, God, no!
41
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:20,120
She's living
with the fitness instructor.
42
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:24,200
He provides all her sexual...
intercourse.
43
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,960
Sorry, I'm...
Dry skin. I'm flaking again.
44
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:33,640
I'm sorry about the "cow" earlier.
You're not a cow.
45
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:38,120
And if you were, you'd be a lovely
Jersey, ripe for milking.
46
00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:43,400
..Just talking about cows.
D'you like milk? No.
47
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,560
Actually, a delicate matter...
PHONE RINGS
48
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,320
Excuse me.
..Sophie, could you deal with this?
49
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:57,280
Sophie... Mr Partridge.
As you know, at the end of the week,
I'm meeting Tony Hayers at the BBC.
50
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,480
And he is Mr Numero...One.
51
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,720
The problem is I've got
some rude daubings on my car.
52
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:11,320
Can you still drive the car?
Well, yeah, obv... That's...
Do you know what it says on my car?
53
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,560
Tosser?
54
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,360
No.
55
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:20,520
No, it's...
You're in the right ball park.
56
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:25,000
It actually says
"cock piss Partridge".
57
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,560
Is everything all right?
58
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,960
Mr Partridge, em...
59
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:37,680
has got some rude graffiti on...
60
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,640
Graffiti? In the hotel?
61
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:48,240
No, there's never any graffiti
here, though in the gents I saw
someone had drawn a lady's part.
62
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,760
It was quite detailed.
63
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,760
The guy obviously had talent.
64
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,440
No, it's on the side of my car.
65
00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:04,160
It says "cock piss Partridge",
which is illegal. Is she new?
66
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:10,960
Yes, she is. I mean, I'm basically
driving an obscene publication.
I'd love to get the bastard,
67
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:16,800
or bitch - might be a lady.
Can I take five minutes?
Of course.
68
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:21,920
Nipping off for a fag? I'll get
Michael to sort your car. OK.
69
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,840
..Talk of the devil. Morning.
70
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:29,280
Michael, I was just saying
to Susan - bit of a job for you.
71
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:33,040
Vandals have sworn
all over my car again.
72
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:38,320
Vandals, Mr Partridge - makes you
wonder what it's all aboot. "Aboot"?
73
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,920
Aye, what is it all aboot?
74
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:47,640
Oh, "about"! Sometimes,
it's difficult to understand
Geordie...people.
75
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:52,240
If they had theirselves proper jobs,
they wouldn't be larking at night.
76
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,480
What?
77
00:05:55,680 --> 00:06:02,480
If they had theirselves proper jobs,
they wouldn't dae it.
A lot of them's from broken homes.
78
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,000
Sorry, that was just a noise.
79
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:12,240
All I got there was "broken homes".
A broken home is not an excuse
for evil. Look at you.
80
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:19,120
Do you go around drawing
peep-hole bras on the wall? Aye,
but it was different for me, like -
81
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:26,280
I was in the Army at 17.
They taught you a trade -
minor repairs. Aye...and killing.
82
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:29,480
Really? Oh, aye.
83
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:37,840
I saw some terrible things. Like
three men burning in a tank, going,
"Aaargh!"? You don't want to know.
84
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:46,120
I'm curious. I'd basically like
to understand man's inhumanity to
man and make a programme about it.
85
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:53,000
Anyway, regarding the graffiti,
if you could, uh...
86
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:59,720
kill that, then I'll see you reet,
me old fishy on a dishy.
87
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:05,960
I'll do, like, a quick fix on it
now... You've gone again. Good
night.
88
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:16,480
Idea for a programme -
Lady Shapes With Alan Partridge.
89
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:20,960
I look at the changing shape
of ladies through the ages,
90
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:26,640
from fat Renaissance chubbies to
hard-faced Cromwellian sourpusses,
91
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:33,360
right up to 20th-century
well-toned women like Sharron
Davies and Jet from Gladiators.
92
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:45,400
Jet from Gladiators
to host a Millennium barn dance
at Yeovil Aerodrome.
93
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:55,160
Properly policed, it must not,
repeat not,
turn into an all-night rave.
94
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,120
DANCE MUSIC
95
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,360
Would you like me to lap dance?
96
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,920
Uh-uh. I want a second series.
97
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,880
KNOCKING
98
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,560
I'll fight you! ..Sorry.
99
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,840
It's me. Sorry. Come in.
100
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:28,320
Just me. Oh, there's tea in the pot.
Oh, good.
101
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:31,440
Do you want a cup? Thank you.
102
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:41,240
What have you got? I've arranged
for you to see a show house at 10.00
Good. Got my fungal foot powder?
103
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,320
It's a life-saver, you know.
104
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:49,800
I'd effectively be disabled without
it. I also rang all those companies.
105
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:57,480
Foster's Menswear said yes,
if you get the second series and
you wear one garment a week on air.
106
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:02,560
Monza said no to a caravan,
but yes to a towbar. I'll take it.
107
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:10,280
Dolphin Bathrooms? Said they don't
do that sort of thing. Rubbish!
Martyn Lewis got two power showers.
108
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:14,280
One for him
and one for his brother-in-law.
109
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:19,280
Right, dry skin cream. Having
an attack of the old flakes again.
110
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:23,320
This morning,
my pillow looked like a flapjack.
111
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:32,480
OK, quick practice for this meeting
with Tony Hayers this Friday. Oh.
You be Tony Hayers.
112
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,920
Hello, Tony, how are you? I'm fine.
113
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:43,920
How are you?
Very busy. I've been working
like a Japanese prisoner of war.
114
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,160
But, er, a happy one, you know?
115
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:51,440
Would you like a second series
of your chat show?
116
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:58,760
It'll be tougher than that.
We might give you a second series.
That's about right. Oh.
117
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:03,280
Small talk. Would you like
a Cuban cigar, Tony? Yes, please.
118
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,200
Rolled on the thighs of a virgin.
119
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,640
I'm being bawdy. Enjoy it.
120
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:13,120
Uh... Mmm...
121
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:19,040
Well, er, he might make that noise.
Be a bit weird.
122
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:26,600
You said you MIGHT give me a second
series. Why is there any doubt?
Things have to be compartmentalised.
123
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,480
For example, in this drawer...
124
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:42,280
..you, er...you have, er, things,
and, sometimes,
you have too many things.
125
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:46,040
Abandon that, Lynn.
It's not working.
126
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:52,760
OK, Doomsday scenario.
You have decided not to give me
another television series. Why?
127
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:59,640
Be tough. Well, Alan, the ratings
for the first series started poorly
and went downhill from there.
128
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,680
Are you being Lynn or Tony?
129
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,680
Tony. Be Lynn again.
130
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:13,600
Can I have a second series?
Who am I? Just say yes. Yes.
131
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,560
They were there when I moved in.
132
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:24,120
'From Swaffham to Cromer on 106.5
and now in Hemsby on 106.9,
133
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,760
'this is Radio Norwich.'
134
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,400
Living room.
135
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:37,720
Oh, I like this, yes. Certainly
enough room to swing a cat.
You could swing a tiger. You could.
136
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,840
Wouldn't want to, though.
137
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:46,320
Not unless it had been stunned.
Even then, it weighs nearly a ton.
138
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:50,240
..Do you like the room?
Oh, yes, very nice.
139
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:54,040
Lynn's not my wife. Oh...
She's my PA.
140
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:57,880
Hard worker,
but there's no affection.
141
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,240
So you'd be living alone? Yes.
142
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:06,200
The best thing I ever did
was getting thrown out by my wife.
143
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:13,720
She's living with a fitness
instructor who drinks that yellow
stuff in tins. He's an idiot.
144
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:21,600
Is there a Neighbourhood Watch?
Sorry, I'm very close to you.
I think so. Right, I'll do my stint.
145
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:28,280
I'd want expenses, though.
Otherwise, people take liberties
and you're mowing their lawn.
146
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:32,640
Shall we have a look
at the rest of the house? Yep.
147
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:36,000
Er, one more question.
148
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,640
Quite nearby, I saw a community
centre with a mural on the side.
149
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:47,320
School for the deaf. Right.
That means there will be noise
or there won't be noise?
150
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:53,360
Difficult one to figure out. Yeah.
They're just deaf? They're
not deaf offenders? Just deaf.
151
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,480
After you.
152
00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:04,680
..Not you. Get on the phone. Pester
Debenhams for free lamps, shades,
whatever you can blag off them.
153
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:11,600
This is the kitchen. Oh, lovely. Has
it been distressed? Yeah, it has.
154
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:19,720
A cast-iron egg tray, lacquered.
Is that included? It's not
a deal-breaker. Just want to know.
155
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:23,560
Everything here can be kept or not.
Excellent.
156
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,880
Optional. Excellent.
157
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,600
What's this little sink here?
158
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,520
That's a rinser. Get rid of it.
159
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:39,360
This is the bathroom.
You know what this room says to me?
Aqua - which is French for water.
160
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:45,480
It's like being inside
an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint,
which again, to me, is a bonus.
161
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,040
It's an extender!
162
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:52,280
Fantastic!
That's the icing on the cake.
163
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:59,040
If King Arthur had had an extender
on his table...
It would have been a different story
164
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,760
It wouldn't have been round.
165
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:09,880
Very Cluedo this house. Colonel
Mustard in the en-suite bathroom
with a lead pipe. Battered.
166
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:16,560
I do like that toilet.
It's very futuristic,
very sort of hi-tech, space age.
167
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:21,960
I can imagine Buck Rogers taking
a dump on that in the 21st century.
168
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:25,600
Mind if I, er, have a go?
169
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,640
Sure. Help yourself.
170
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,680
Mind if I have a go on the loo?
Oh, sorry.
171
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,600
I prefer to go alone. Sure. Fine.
172
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,920
Most times. Thanks.
173
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:51,640
It flushed on the first yank.
I love this house. Alan...
One yank - gone.
174
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:56,840
Tony Hayers's office called.
They want the meeting today, 12.30.
175
00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:04,000
When was this? Three minutes ago.
What were you doing for three
minutes? You were on the toilet.
176
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,160
Was I on that long?
177
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,200
In that area.
178
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:15,640
We're going to have to zip.
Right. OK. ..One more question -
petrol stations nearby?
179
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,800
Shell - quarter of a mile.
Has it got a minimart? Minimart?
180
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:25,920
Scaled-down supermarket,
fits inside a petrol station.
Sells pies, antifreeze... Yes.
181
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:29,760
In that case, it's a deal.
I'll take the house.
182
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:35,480
Are you going to make an offer?
How much is it? It's on at £325,000.
183
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:39,280
Ooh... Will you take £324,000?
184
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,280
Yeah.
185
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,800
How many bedrooms has it got? Five.
Five!
186
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:54,800
My five-bedroomed bastard house.
..Right, Lynn,
let's go off to the BBC.
187
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:59,840
..I'm going to be back on TV. Did
you watch my TV show? Yes. Like it?
188
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:03,080
Love it. Ah-hah!
189
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:14,720
What if Tony Hayers sees "cook pass
babtridge" painted on your car?
I'll play it down.
190
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:19,080
"Partridge" I can understand,
but then "cock" and "piss".
191
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,440
Table for two, sir?
Yes... Sorry. Name of Hayers.
192
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,080
Follow me.
193
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:30,640
We've rectified it. It now says
"cook" where it once said "cock",
194
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:35,320
and it says "pass" now,
where it once said "piss",
195
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,640
so it's slightly less rude.
196
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,760
Would you like a drink? Thank you.
197
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:44,280
Em...I'll have a pint of bitter.
198
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,600
A mineral water for me, please.
199
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:53,840
Actually, I'll have a mineral water
too. Will you be having wine
with your meal? Not for me. No.
200
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:58,560
All this wine nonsense! You get
all these wine people, don't you?
201
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:05,360
Wine this, wine that. Let's
have a bit of red, a bit of white.
Oh, that's a snazzy bouquet.
202
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:08,400
This smells of, I don't know, basil.
203
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:14,840
You want to say, "Sod all this wine.
Give me a pint of mineral water."
204
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:21,480
I don't think wine's
an elitist thing now.
You can get good wine in Tesco's.
205
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:27,960
I'd love to make
a genuinely popular wine programme.
Can I shock you? I like wine.
206
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:34,600
Despite what I just said earlier.
At any one time, I have nine
bottles of wine at home. Really?
207
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,760
Interesting fact. It's my weakness.
I've got a cellar. So have I.
208
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:46,640
There's no wine in it. A couple
of bikes, some smokeless fuel
and an old bag of cement gone hard.
209
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,120
Are you ready to order?
210
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:53,840
I'll have the fettucine
all'arrabbiata, please.
211
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,160
Can I have the same, please?
212
00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:01,840
No, with different shaped pasta.
What's that pasta in bows?
213
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:06,640
It's like a bow tie, but miniature.
An Action Man bow tie. Farfalle.
214
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:11,400
Yeah. Farfalle.
That with Action Man bow tie.
215
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,560
Anything else?
216
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:18,080
Yeah, I think I'll have some wine,
actually.
217
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,520
Em...
218
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:25,360
No. Just give me half a bottle
of Blue Nun, please.
219
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:35,320
I loved your article
in the Guardian. Really?
220
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,640
I loved that clever phrase you used.
221
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,600
"Revolution, not evolution."
222
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,720
It was the opposite. "Evolution,
not revolution." Whatever.
223
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,520
Because that is me.
224
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:53,320
Because I evolve, but I don't...
225
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:55,880
..revolve.
226
00:18:55,880 --> 00:19:02,640
Or vice versa. What you're trying
to say is you don't want
another Chris Evans on your hands.
227
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,960
That IS what we want. I'm your man.
228
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:09,360
That's what I wanted to talk
to you about, Alan - your career.
229
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:15,880
I see a lot of exciting
opportunities ahead for you.
This is music to my ears.
230
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:20,000
Whoa! What are you doing?
Pouring the wine out.
231
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:25,280
Pour a little, let me sip it. I've
already poured half. It's all right.
232
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,040
Fine. Fill her up.
233
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:46,120
Here's to our future at the BBC.
You shouldn't see your future
just at the BBC.
234
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:50,720
You should consider new pastures.
Have I got a second series?
235
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,280
There's so many opportunities...
Let me rephrase that.
236
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:59,280
Can I...? No, I'll just repeat it.
Have I got a second series?
237
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,040
No.
238
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,640
Thanks. That's all I wanted to know.
239
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:10,120
Tony! Peter, how are you?
..Alan, this is Peter Linehan -
he's revamping current affairs.
240
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,960
We haven't met,
but I liked your chat show.
241
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:25,160
Thank you. Has he given you another
series? No, he won't give me one.
Give him another series, you swine!
242
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:28,160
Give me another series, you shit!
243
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:37,880
Look, Alan, I don't want you
to feel... ..I'll see you later.
244
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:42,640
I don't want you to feel that the
doors have all closed at the BBC.
245
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,720
If you come up with anything else,
don't hesitate...
246
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,480
Would you like me to lap dance?
247
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,480
Blue Nun!
248
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:10,640
If you have any other ideas,
don't hesitate... Got them here.
Right... Right. OK.
249
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:17,360
Shoestring, Taggart, Bergerac,
Morse - what does that say to you
about regional detective series?
250
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:21,520
There's too many of them.
That's one way of looking at it.
251
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:26,520
Another way is - people like them.
Let's make some more of them.
252
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:31,080
A detective series based in Norwich
called Swallow.
253
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:37,800
Swallow tackles vandalism.
Bit of a maverick. Not afraid to
break the law if it's necessary...
254
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:44,480
Not a criminal, but he might travel
at 80mph on the motorway if
he wants to get somewhere quickly.
255
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,480
Think about it.
256
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,280
No-one had heard of Oxford
before Inspector Morse.
257
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:55,320
This will put Norwich on the map.
Why would I want to do that?
258
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,600
Yeah. Fair point.
259
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,440
OK... Right. Alan Attack.
260
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,160
Like a slapstick Cook Report.
261
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,880
No.
262
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:11,160
Arm-Wrestling With Chas'n'Dave.
I don't think so.
Pity. They were keen on that one.
263
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,720
Right, you'll like this.
264
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:22,640
Knowing ME, Knowing You.
I, Alan Partridge, talk to
ME sufferers about their condition.
265
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:29,320
Intersperse it with their favourite
pop songs, make it light-hearted.
Keep their energy up...
266
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:36,320
You don't like it? No. That's OK.
Inner-City Sumo. What's that?
267
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:43,160
We get fat people from inner cities,
dressed up in nappies,
to throw each other out a circle...
268
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:49,160
That's a bad idea. Cheap. Do it
in a pub car park. Sky will do it.
269
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:53,680
I'll live with that. Is that it?
Well, no... No...
270
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,520
Cooking In Prison. Oh, no!
271
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,640
A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons.
What's that?
272
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,400
It's just a title.
273
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:11,520
Opening shot - me in Trafalgar
Square, feeding the pigeons...
274
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,720
I'm sorry. No. Stop.
275
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:17,120
Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank.
276
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:18,840
No!
277
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,720
Monkey Tennis.
278
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:34,480
No second series. I've listened
to your ideas, all of them,
and I haven't liked a single one.
279
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,200
Tony, I've just bought a house.
280
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:42,120
It's got a Buck Rogers toilet.
One yank, all gone.
281
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:48,640
We don't owe you a living.
You have a proven record for making
mostly bad television programmes.
282
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,160
That's bollocks.
283
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,640
No, it's not bollocks.
284
00:23:53,640 --> 00:24:01,920
Your programmes were appalling.
They started badly and got worse...
They started badly and got worse...
285
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,880
Your programmes, your programmes...
286
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,520
You're making a fool of yourself.
Ooooh!
287
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,920
Ooooh!
288
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,960
Who do you think you are?
289
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:20,000
Unfortunately for you, I am
BBC TV's chief commissioning editor.
290
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,880
Oh, let's forget about all this.
291
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:29,280
You want some cheese? No, thank you.
292
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:34,760
It's quite nice. Mmm. Smells. Want
to smell it? No, thanks. Smell it.
293
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,960
I don't want to. Smell my cheese!
294
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,040
Smell my cheese! That's enough!
295
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,280
I've got cheese. This is cheese.
296
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,080
BBC!
297
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:57,320
Haven't you got programmes to make?
No, you're on the BBC gravy train.
298
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,560
Wish I was. ..Take this cheese.
299
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:04,000
How did it go? A bit badly. Oh.
300
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,000
It's smelly.
It's got walnuts in. Let's go.
301
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,480
I wasn't expecting that, Lynn.
302
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:20,480
That was a negative
and right now I need two positives.
303
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:26,920
One to cancel out the negative
and another
just so I can have a positive.
304
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,440
Oh, my God!
305
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:37,600
You know one can find some strength
when you're at your bleakest moments
306
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:42,440
if you open yourself... I'm not
coming to your Baptist church!
307
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:46,280
You always get people
when they're down.
308
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:52,360
I don't want salvation.
I just want to be able to say...
"I'm Alan Partridge.
309
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:56,880
"Join me tonight when my guests
will be Chris Rea..."
310
00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:01,280
Actually, he lives in the area.
Could've had him over.
311
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:08,640
"All right, Chris?" "Hello, Alan.
Just moved in?" "Yes, last week.
Want to come to my barbecue?"
312
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:15,040
"Love to. Can I bring my guitar?"
"Rather you didn't.
Not that kind of area.
313
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:22,120
"You like mini Kievs?" "Love 'em,
but my wife's vegetarian." "She can
have fish." "She won't eat fish."
314
00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,320
"Oh, forget it!
315
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,520
"You people!"
316
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:31,200
Go on, Lynn. These people
are starting to annoy me.
317
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:38,560
They may have nice Tudorette houses,
but can they order Irish coffee
at 3am and get it in their room? No.
318
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:39,360
I can!
319
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:42,720
I'm off.
I'll drop you at a cab rank.
320
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,400
RADIO: "Jet" by Wings
321
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:04,280
Hi. Can I have an Irish coffee
delivered to the room, please?
322
00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:06,880
Well, tea?
323
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,680
Er, right. Can of Fanta?
324
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,960
Mini bar.
325
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:19,200
# Jet!
326
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,400
# Jet!
327
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,880
# Jet!
328
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:30,400
# I can almost remember
the funny faces... #
329
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,080
Right. Mini bar.
330
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:37,120
# ..That time you told her that
you're gonna be marrying soon... #
331
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:48,440
Kate Bush, lovely Kate Bush with
The Man With The Child In His Eyes,
332
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:51,880
which brings us on to my next guest,
333
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:56,040
Stephen Brai,
whose father invented Catseyes.
334
00:27:56,040 --> 00:28:01,160
What was it like being the son
of the man who invented Catseyes?
335
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:05,280
Well, I remember he came home
from work, very excited...
336
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:10,120
Did he ever turn the lights off
and run towards you with a torch,
337
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:15,960
looking for a reflection?
That's what he was interested in.
338
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:21,320
Have to interrupt you there. It's
time for Alan's fact of the day.
339
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:25,440
Most corn flakes come from the USA.
Another of those tomorrow.
340
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:29,720
I hit a fox once,
yes, in the Peak District.
341
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,680
I saw the reflection in its eyes.
It was too late of course.
342
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:38,800
I didn't quite kill him. I had to
go and finish him off with the jack.
343
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,920
This is Huey Lewis and the News.
344
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:45,320
No, it's not. It's Kate Bush.
345
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:50,240
Huey Lewis. Oh, Christ! Sorry.
COCK CROWS No. Sorry about that.
31557
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.