All language subtitles for The Addams Family (1964) — 2x11 — Feud in the Addams Family

They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

Oh, it's a lovely night.

That looks wonderful, Gomez.

Yeah, all it needs is a final touch.

Absolutely breathtaking.

All right, Lurch, let's have it.

Thank you.

No damage.

Beautiful.

Beautiful!

Querida, let's have a go at the tower.

Now, darling, that's Lurch's room.

Besides, you've had enough fun
for one day.

Lurch can use the playroom.

We can both take turns
with the wrecking ball.

Temperance, temperance.
Too much of a good thing...

Besides, I have all of these bills to get out.

Very well.

Thank you, Lurch.

Well, now. Let's see.

Thank you.

Darling, our phone bill
has been unusually high this month.

Have you been making any calls?

Just to Saudi Arabia on that oil merger.

I dialed four or five times
before I got the right number.

It's a bit expensive.

Oil merger?

Abigail Adams and the rest
of those Boston one-D Adamses

are trying to block the deal.

In fact, they're trying to go to court
to have me removed

as executor to the family fortunes.

A financial wizard like you?

Abigail's always fancied herself
as the head of the Addams family.

Besides, she thinks I'm some kind of a nut.

You? Impossible.

She even tried to prove it
in court once before.

Good thing the judge fell asleep.

Darling, if dear Abigail is
as smart as she thinks she is,

she'll drop this case.

After all, the family fortune
couldn't be in better hands.

Could it?

Never has the family been able
to declare larger tax losses.

There, that proves your financial genius.

Tish, you just parlez vous.

Hey!

Somebody say something about
Abigail Adams dropping the case?

Well, it sure don't look like it.
She's here in town.

- She is?
- Yeah.

"Abigail Quincy Adams
is in town on family business.

"It is assumed
she will mix business with pleasure

"by visiting her grandchildren."

I didn't know she had grandchildren
in this town.

Well, whosever grandmother she is,

thank goodness she's not our little
Pugsley and Wednesday's grandmother.

Actually, she's only a cousin by marriage.

Still, I do think we ought to
pay our respects and invite her over.

Our worst enemy?

I'm gonna faint!

Quick! Water.

Thank you, Thing.

What's the matter with Fester?

He heard Abigail Adams was in town.

I guess the shock was too much for him.

Better try my remedy.

It always ends his spells.

That felt good. Do it again.

My turn.

No, no, no, Gomez, darling.
Now, put it down.

I want to find out what this is all about.

Morticia, Gomez just told you.

Abigail is out to get him.

- She has been shooting dirty pool.
- She has?

Well, then,
she's not welcome in this house.

Hold it.

That Abigail probably has got spies
all over the place.

We better look around.

Can't be too careful.

The walls have ears.

Interesting thought.

Wednesday's in love,
Wednesday's in love!

Wednesday's in love!

Now, you stop that, Pugsley.

It's not nice to tease your sister, darling.

Besides, she's been taking judo lessons.

- See what I mean?
- Yes, sir.

By the way, has there been
any phone calls for me?

She means Robespierre Courtney.

She's even doing her hair different for him.

Yesterday she got so upset
while waiting for his call

that she let the trains run for 20 minutes
without one crash.

Wednesday, you didn't.

Shocking waste of electricity.

We could have recharged Uncle Fester
10 times with all that power.

I'm sorry, Father,
but you don't measure love with dollars.

That's a woman for you.

That's love.

I'm afraid it's unrequited.

Poor little Wednesday's so upset.

Oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear
that child's so unhappy.

I think I'll just go down to the cellar
and wrestle with the alligator.

Mama...

We can't think
of our own selfish pleasures now.

We must think of Wednesday.

You're right, Morticia.

The alligator can wait.

Now, we must get
Wednesday together with...

Robespierre.

We've just got to get you together
with Wednesday Addams.

But you said you didn't want me
to have anything to do with those kooks.

That was before your mother found out
the little girl was related

to Abigail Quincy Adams.

It just so happens
that Abigail Quincy Adams

is one of the most socially prominent
women in America.

Is that what you meant by riffraff?

Mother was just trying
to have her little joke.

You want Mother
to be the president of her club, don't you?

Why don't you spell it out for the kid?

Your mother wants you to wangle us
an invitation to the Addams family.

Then she can say she had tea
with Abigail Quincy Adams

and we can get our name
in the society column.

You're impossible.

That makes us a perfect pair.

Hello?

Yes, this is Mrs. Courtney.

Morticia Addams?

Tea?

Yes, we'd be delighted.

Oh, of course I'll bring Robespierre.

And how is dear grandmother?

Splendid.

Toodle-oo.

We're going to have tea
with the Addams family!

Hurray for our side.

Isn't that nice?

She especially asked about you, Mama.

I always was the popular one in the family.

You know, I do think I'd better
have a talk with Wednesday.

You know, woman to woman.

I can give her a few helpful hints.

Querida, you are to romance
what Mama is to dignity and charm.

Darling.

Oh, that dress does do things for you.

Black is such a happy color.

Now, remember, my dear,

in all your relationships with boys,
you must be shy and modest.

Yes, Mother.

Poise and good manners
are important, too.

For instance, when Robespierre comes,

I think it would be proper
for you to curtsy.

- Curtsy?
- Yes, let's try it.

In this dress?

I see what you mean.

Let's forget about the curtsy.

- Now, what are you going to talk about?
- My spiders.

That's marvelous.

If the spiders don't get him,

and being shy and modest
doesn't get him,

use the trap.

Good hunting.

Very becoming.

I like the style.

Still, dressing isn't everything
when it comes to pleasing a young man.

A young lady has to know
all the latest steps.

So, Thing, if you don't mind...

That's it! By george, I think you've got it!

But, just in case the dance doesn't work,

try this.

Very nice.

Very nice.

But there's just one thing
that boys can't resist.

A nice long face.

Beautiful.

But just in case that doesn't work...

Good.

Good.

But you know what attracts a man most?

- Money?
- No.

Hair, a woman's hair.

See?

And you're my type.

Perfect.

But just in case the hair doesn't work...

What's that?

Love dust.

What advice do you have for me, Lurch?

Oh, I love you.

Nothing like a bit of cricket
to while away an hour or two.

Darling, are you sure
this is the way it's played?

Querida, I was the scourge
of the fields of Eton.

I can hit the ball with my eyes shut.

Serve it up.

Yes, dear.

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.

Nothing at all.

I did make contact.

That must be the Courtneys.

Let Lurch get them. Once more, my dear.

The Courtneys.

Gomez Addams here.

How do you do?

And this is my lovely wife, Morticia.

How do you do?

I guess you folks go in for pop art.

Or something.

So, this is Wednesday's little friend...

Robespierre.

Oh, yes. He certainly looks it.

I'll call Wednesday. Wednesday, darling?

Come along, dear,
and say hello to your little friend.

Wednesday, what was that?

Love dust.

Children today. So precocious.

Would you children like to go out
and play in the cave?

No.

- In the swamp?
- No.

Did you say cave?

And swamp?

It's not much, but room enough to romp.

Wednesday, darling,

why don't you and Robespierre
go and play with the trains?

Would you like that, Robespierre?

Well, all right.

Spirited little fellow you have there.

Please, come in.

Please, sit down.

I suppose you'd like to meet
the rest of the family?

After all, a child is a product
of its environment.

Will you excuse us?

Oh, Cousin Itt!

Your cousin?

He's up in the fireplace?

Loves privacy.

Itt, are you there?

He's there, all right.

Itt, please, come down.

There are some people here
we want you to meet.

Mr. And Mrs. Courtney,
this is our Cousin Itt.

Cousin what?

Not What, Itt.

He always says the right thing.

Morticia, I can't get this thing
tight enough.

Dear, you're so helpless.

This is the only thing
that cures his headaches.

Fester, these are Robespierre's parents.

Oh, hi.

Who's Robespierre?

He's the little tyke
Wednesday's set her cap for.

Oh. When's the wedding?

Now, look, they're just children.

This is just a social call.

We've always admired Abigail Adams.

Abigail!

Excuse us.

Honey, do you know
a good divorce lawyer?

Henry, rich people are all eccentric.

Nobody is that rich.

I know a spy when I see one.

He has the face of THRUSH.

And did you see
all those pens in his pocket?

Microphones.

Are you sure?

Have I ever been wrong?

Now don't answer that.

Now, Itt, you keep an eye out...

Well, you just stand guard.

Come on. Watch.

Look, why don't we just say
hello to Abigail Adams

and get out of here?

What's your hurry?

Hey!

Very interesting pens you have there.

Yeah.

Be more interesting
especially if they had ink in them.

Oh, you... You...

Oh, dear.

Don't worry.
We'll do something about the dress.

But you must admit,
it does look better in a darker shade.

Now, go on, then.
Which one has the microphone?

Microphone?

Uncle Fester has an uncanny sense
about these things.

Uncanny?

Excuse us.

Eleanor, I want to be fair about this.

You may have custody of Robespierre.

What if Abigail calls all those witnesses
and gets Gomez back in court again?

Dear, that could be dangerous.

Cara, was Stonewall Addams afraid?

When he led his troops into battle?

When he flunked his physical.

I have it.

I shall win our friends over
with a demonstration

of the Gomez Addams financial wizardry.

Then can I shoot them in the back?

There will be no violence.

Count me out.

Itt, I'll play you a game of solitaire
in the chimney.

Come on.

Come, dear.

Querida, maybe we should let Fester
take a shot. He hasn't got very good aim.

Your way is the honorable way.

Courtney, how would you like
to become rich?

We only came here to meet...

Nonsense, Mr. Courtney.
It's really quite painless.

And besides,

it's the least we can do
after ruining Mrs. Courtney's dress.

Old man, you're buying yourself
10,000 shares of Consolidated Lint.

10,000?

Yes, I have a private line to my broker.

- Blooker...
- Now, wait a minute.

I can't afford 10,000 shares of anything.

No problem. We'll just have them
pick up 1,000 for you.

My husband is so understanding.

I'm getting out of this booby trap.

Robespierre!

Blooker, cancel that order.

My, but your husband's a jumpy one.

Robespierre.

Oh, Mr. Courtney,
I'm so glad you decided to stay.

Blooker, cancel that cancellation.

Lurch, put Mr. Courtney in the good chair.

Blooker, buy 1,000 shares
of Consolidated Lint

and charge it to Henry Courtney.

C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y. Courtney.

Well, I'll give you
all the details in the morning.

Yes, I'll hold on.

Please...

At 86, eh? Good work, Blooker.

Congratulations, old man,
you're on the road to success.

I don't want 1,000 shares
of Consolidated Lint.

Now, now, Mr. Courtney. A deal's a deal.

Let's see how you're doing.

Just as I thought.
Consolidated Lint, 86 and a half.

87.

87 and three-quarters.

- 82.
- 82?

72.

Isn't this exciting?

64 and an eighth.

Sell, please sell. Sell.

Too late. 62 and an eighth.

Excuse me, please.

Darling.

I'm not too sure, but I don't think
Mr. Courtney is very happy

in Consolidated Lint.

Well, we can certainly take care of that.

I'll swing him into National Dust.

Blooker, sell Courtney's
Consolidated Lint.

And pick up 1,000 shares of National Dust.

Please, you can thank me
some other time.

1,000 National Dust at 75?

- Good show, Blooker.
- Hurry, darling.

Let's see what it's doing.

Did it go up?

By george, it's up eight and a half points.

- National Dust?
- Consolidated Lint.

- Back to 70.
- What about National Dust?

Down three.

Bad business,
shifting horses in mid-stream.

I'm sure dear Abigail knows that
as well as anyone.

Consolidated Lint. Up to 75.

- Up to 80.
- And National Dust?

Holding steadily at 54.

It pays to buy the better stock.

But it's not paying me.

If you make me stick to this deal,
I'll be broke, bankrupt, penniless.

Nonsense, old man.

If you're a bit short,
I'll take the deal off your hands.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're all even again.

- Thank you.
- Ever make a better deal than that?

Oh, no, never. Never.
Thank you, Mr. Addams.

Easy come, easy go.

And now if we could just meet
old Mrs. Adams.

As soon as she's finished
wrestling the alligator.

Wrestling the alligator?

Ah, here she is.

Well,

I finally beat that darn alligator.

Dear, Mr. And Mrs. Courtney
have been dying to meet you.

She certainly photographs differently.

Do you really wrestle alligators?

Oh, just once in a while.
She actually prefers kangaroos.

This is Abigail Quincy Adams?

Certainly not.

I wouldn't have that woman in this house.

Robespierre!

I'll have Lurch get your hat.

Oh, please get my hat.

The bell's out of order.

Well, think nothing of it.

You rang?

The gentleman's hat, please, Lurch.

Robespierre!

Did you call me, Mother?

What have they done to you?

First she made me blow up the train,

and then she wanted
to put me in the guillotine

just because my name is Robespierre.

My husband is going to write
a letter to the papers about this.

How can I? All my pens are broken.

Let's get out of here.

What's the matter with them?

Soreheads.

Oh, poor Wednesday's
going to be broken-hearted.

Where's Robespierre?

Well, darling, I'm afraid you're going to
have to forget about Robespierre.

Forget? I've already forgotten.

He wouldn't even play
with Pugsley's octopus.

That just proves it. He's not our type.

Poor boy.

But as you yourself say, darling,

children are products
of their environment.

Morticia!

You called?

Pugsley and I are ready.

Ah, good.

You're so thorough, Gomez.

So efficient, so precise.

You know me so well, querida.

Giving our congressman
two ways to beautify America.

I like the swinging ball,
but this may do the job better and faster.

- You ready, Pugsley?
- Ready, sir.

To improve the American landscape.

Back to nature.

Beautiful, Gomez. Beautiful!

I'll have to speak to that newsboy.

I've told him we wanted the paper
delivered through the back window.

Cara mia, look.

"Abigail Adams returning to Boston.

"Drops plans for fight over
Addams Family fortune control."

Now, isn't that nice?

The Courtneys
must have given us a good report.