All language subtitles for Southern Charm S06E06 A Salt and Battery 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track3_[eng]

- Previously

- Previously
on "Southern Charm"...

Austen sure has
seen better days.

- Do you think you
sabotage relationships?

- Okay, yes.

- Why are you talking about me
to your girlfriend?

- I--that was a drunken--

- Take your drunken whatever
and shove it up your ass.

- I don't know what's worse;
cheating on you

or doing something like that.

- Madison's diabolical.

- So the guys figured a change
of scenery would do some good.

- Let's rent a ----ing RV
and drive to Nashville.

- That is amazing.

- ♪ He's got promise
- ♪ Oh ♪

- ♪ Yeah he's got some shine ♪

- Meanwhile just
as Eliza decided

it was time to reconnect...

- You know, if I died today,
I'd want to have

good relationships
with everyone.

- I realized I needed
to get back in the mix.

Some days I secretly wish
that I was the one...

- Going to work?
- Going to work.

- ♪ Times have changed
don't you know ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

- But we all had a good laugh
at Craig's pillow party.

- Craig, what are
we doing here?

I thought we were having,
like, a slumber party.

- Well, I was inviting you guys
here to trick you into

helping me fill orders.

- Fill orders?
- Wait, as labor?

- Free labor.

- ♪ Whoa they got the place ♪

♪ Spinning around
his little pinkie ♪

- That is until two old
friends suddenly became foes.

- I thought you guys
were friends.

- We are.
- What's going on?

- And I've actually been
a really good friend to her.

- So have I.

I've been a great ----ing
friend to you too.

(BLEEP) off right now.
I'm not even talking.

- You're a ----ing
joke right now.

Sorry.

- ♪ Ba-ba doo ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I love the colors in this

and then this one here.
- It just sold.

♪ ♪

- Tyson, do you know what
a termite bond is?

♪ ♪

Me, either.

♪ ♪

- Oh, jeez.

(BLEEP).

All right.

♪ ♪

- Whitney's been home and I
looked in the refrigerator

for lunch and we've had nothing
but plant-based, gluten-free...

- Well, he's got me cultivating
the mold in the bottom

of the refrigerator
for his smoothies.

- [laughs]
[gags]

[both laughing]

Now I just can't do it.

- Have you decided what you
wanted to have here, ma'am?

- Uh, the usual.
- Of course.

Can I get a cheeseburger
with no tomato on it?

- I thought you put
ketchup on it.

- No ketchup, please.
That's a tomato.

[quirky music]

[regal music]

Shall I serve, madam?

- Oh, catch--just--

- A soupçon.
- Yes, thank you.

My top three guilty
pleasures...

- Madam.

- McDonald's burger,
Costco hotdog...

Wait a minute.
What is this?

- That's a napkin.
- A paper napkin.

- Tacos from Taco Bell.

I would prefer those things
to Tour d'Argent in Paris.

♪ ♪

So don't tell Whitney
I ate a hamburger.

- He's the first person
I'm gonna tell when I get home.

- No, no!
- [laughs]

[both laughing]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[quirky music]

- Hi.
I came bearing tacos.

99 cent menu.
- Are you hungry?

- Your house looks so good.
It's so clean.

- The reason I got it cleaned
was I was supposed to get it--

uh, pictures taken for listing.
So, um--

But honestly I--I don't know
if I'm putting the cart

before the horse as far
as getting rid of the place

before I really am
interested in a place.

I just have to put
everything in storage.

- You could sell it furnished.
- I don't know, man.

I like that couch.
It's been very good to me.

- What if someone took
a black light to that couch?

- I haven't had sex
on that couch as much

as the other couch.
- Meaning you have?

- Sure.

You've never started
hooking up on a couch

and just got naked
as the day you were born?

- Oh, yeah.
All the time.

- You're like,
"Oh, let's go to the bed

and do it like
our parents do it."

[laughs]

- Are you still interested
in buying

another property out here?
- Yeah--yeah, I am.

Here, just look at it online.

Don't look for porn on here

because there's
some weird stuff.

- I don't look for porn.
- Yeah, you have.

- What is wrong with you?

- All right,
what are we looking at, kiddo?

- This one.

- There's a lot right across
the street from it.

I might just buy a lot
and build.

- Building right now is--
is stupid.

- Sometimes I think you're,
like, a badass

and then sometimes I'm like,
she's scared of her own shadow.

- I'm conser--
no, I'm conservative.

- You can't make money
without taking risks.

I think Mark Twain said it.

"Buy land 'cause they ain't
making more of it."

- It's easy to take a risk when
you don't know jack squat

about what you're
really doing.

There's a lot of rigmarole
you have to go through

in order to get
building rights,

in order for the land to perk,

in order to have
the correct setback.

You have to have the Army Corps
of Engineers come out.

It's gonna be a money pit.

But what do I know?

I'm just a little old
real estate agent.

- So last night me and Craig
and Austen are sitting

on the couch
and Kathryn walks in.

Then Danni and Chelsea
barge in.

"We're not talking about you,
Kathryn."

Kathryn goes, "Be gone."
And boo, boo--

You know, and just starts
acting like queen.

- Th--this is the reason why
I have always kept Kathryn

at arm's length,
is because anybody

gets too close to her,
she always ends up throwing you

under the bus.
- Sabotaging, yeah.

- Always.
- I know.

I had a front row seat.

- I mean, Danni has been
her biggest ally.

- I know.

- And for her to turn
her back on her, I mean...

- I know,
and it would piss me off.

Yeah, she's mixed up, man.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

Let me not break those.

♪ ♪

Okay.

Growing up, my grandmother
only used fine china.

She always went out of her way
to use, you know,

the embroidered napkins.

all: ♪ We bow with grateful
hearts to thee ♪

♪ Who giveth life and love ♪

So when my grandmother
passed away,

she left me this china...
[doorbell rings]

In hopes that I would continue
the tradition,

which is to make
home-cooked meals

and sit at the dinner table
and eat with each other.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Thank you very much.

- You're welcome.
You're welcome.

- I never learned any
of that stuff,

but I did watch.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

Meatballs.

♪ ♪

This is so gross.

♪ ♪

Oh, that's beautiful.

♪ ♪

----ing evidence.

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

Coming.

♪ ♪

Sh--.

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Aww.

Aren't you so sweet?
- You look--you look great.

- You look great.
- No, you look great.

- I'm glad you're here.
[kisses]

It's good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.

- They're so pretty.

- Well, the flowers match
the plates, so--

- Ooh, if I cut them, like,
real short,

I could put them in,
like, a bowl.

♪ ♪

I think I Pintrested this.

[groans]

- Can I help you with that,
please?

- I got it.
- I can do this.

- God dang it.

I just want it to be short so
I can put it in, like, a bowl.

- All right.
- Thank you for helping.

I'm not used to that in life.

When I first saw Joe,
I was not attracted to him.

Um, no.

And it wasn't until he started
to talk to me that day

that I felt a sense of,
like, us being on

somewhat of
the same wavelength.

I love your flowers,
by the way.

I'm just making it work.

- Now it totally looks like

I picked it out
of somebody's garden.

- Now it looks like I just,
like--

- Yeah, I ripped it out
of the bush.

- Perfect.
- I love it.

- So do you wanna maybe
help me take the rest

of this to the table?
- Yeah, yeah, let me help.

- We got water.

You might want
to get the meatballs.

- You know, being
Italian-American

and having meatballs...

- Balls, what?

- [laughs]
Never mind.

I got it.

- Oh, my God.
Really?

Okay.
- What?

What, people don't
pull out chairs for you?

- No.
Thank you.

- This actually looks
really good.

- Thank you.

Here, this is the dressing.

- Did you grow it from
the herbs in the garden?

- I took it out
of a plastic container

and dumped it in there
and I think that's actually

for creamer.

[both laughing]

- I wouldn't know.

Like, you don't have
to tell me these things.

- I'm not like most chicks
from Charleston.

I don't know how many you've
dated around these parts.

- You would be my first.
- Well, lucky you.

- I think so, obviously.
- Here.

- Thank you.

How's the meatball?
- It's actually not bad.

But I like Olive Garden's.

- You know, their breadsticks
are pretty good.

- Did you dip it in
the salad dressing, though?

- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.

All right.
- Who doesn't?

- Uh-huh.

- Th--I--this is so beautiful.
Like--

- Do you really like it?

- First of all,
I wouldn't front like that.

This is--
- Front?

- Yes.
- Fronting.

- I'm fronting.
- Fronting.

- Chicago, Miami, we sometimes
use a little bit of slang.

So just like you say y'all.
- Y'all.

- Y'all.

Well, there's a tumbleweed
rolling down the street.

You know, I may be--

- Is that really
what you think?

- I don't know.

I haven't spent much time
in the deep South, so--

- God, I love it, though.
It's the best part about you.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Coming up...

- Is that a real cat?
- No.

- Yes, it is.
It's moving.

- Oh, my God.
It is real.

[hip-hop instrumental music]

[boat horn blowing]

♪ ♪

- [scatting]

[groans]

♪ ♪

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

- Hmm.
- What's up?

- I'm gonna spend a lot of
money in here today, Craig.

- Yeah.
[laughs]

- Hey.
- What's up?

- What's up?

- What's up, pal?

- Look, "How to Eat
in the Woods."

- "A complete guide
to foraging, trapping,

and fishing in the wild."
- Maybe we should buy that.

- I am not trapping anything.
[both laughing]

- Is that a real cat?
- No.

[quirky music]

- Yes, it is.
It's moving.

- Oh, my God.
It is real.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Is there anything
I can help y'all find?

- Yeah, we're going camping.
- Cool.

- So--
- Not really.

We're riding in the RV.
- Where you going?

- To the Smoky Mountains
Appalachians.

- Very nice.
- Um, and then on to Nashville.

- But we--we want to cook
and stuff in a fire.

- Maybe some camping gear.
- And a headlamp.

- Absolutely.
- You know? Okay.

- We've got it all right
upstairs for you.

- Cool, yes.
- Oh, sweet.

- Since Madison
and I broke up,

it's been a rough
couple weeks because

I've kind of lost who
I thought was my best friend.

- That one's sweet.
- Oh, yeah, dude, 40 bucks.

This is great.

I'm like, "Yes,
get me out of here.

Take me to the woods.
Let's burn some sh--."

[cell phone rings]

Hey, Tom.
Yeah, okay.

Okay, okay.

- Uh, we do need a grate to put

over the fire to grill on.

- I want to pick up
this beer for our trip.

- Is he conducting business?
- Perfect, Tom.

Thank you very much.

The good news is
I'm picking up my beer.

I would love to be in the woods
with a freaking can of my beer.

- Me, too.

- But the bad news is I only
have three cases of it

because my beer is wildly
expensive to make.

- Austen, come here.

- When we get to our campsite,
we want to sit around the fire

or, like, fishing or something,

we need chairs, obviously,
'cause you can't just take

the couches off the RVs.
- Sure.

- Give me your, like,
cheapest sleeping bag.

- Oh.
Is this a rocking chair?

- One's at $109.
- Yes, I'll take it.

- Yep, okay.

- I talked to Kathryn
after her little meltdown.

- Oh, after last night?
- Yeah.

I apologized for what I said,
you know.

- Oh.
What'd you call her last night?

- Don't talk to me like that.

- She's a ----ing child, man.

[tense music]

She didn't hear that.
That's for sure.

It was murmured.
It was under my breath.

- See, imagine if Kathryn
had heard that.

That's how I feel about
what happened, you know,

with Chelsea.
[sighs]

- You shouldn't have
to be worried

that your old girlfriend
texts screenshots

of your texts to someone.
- You shouldn't.

- Man, it--it stings.
I just can't believe it.

- We'll get you out
on the town, big cat.

Maybe we'll find
some mountain babes.

- [laughs]

Ah, man.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Knock, knock.
- Hey, girl.

- It's so nice in here.
How've you been?

- Busy.
- Yeah?

Show me what I need
for my crunchy hair.

- I like crunchy hair.

- Girl, mine's bent.

- Okay, I think that's it.
- Yeah.

Well, I'll buy this off of you.
- Okay.

Sit down.
- You got time to catch up?

- Yeah, I got a break.
- So who works over here?

- Everybody.

I'm leasing that thing out
like nobody's business.

- That's smart.
I just rent a chair.

You know?
- Yeah.

- But I need to do
something different

'cause if I'm not at work,
I'm not making money.

- Well, I will say
when I used to rent a chair,

it was easy for me to,
like, travel

and I was able to, like...
- Right.

- Just up and go,
and now you have so much more

anxiety about everything
when you're not around.

- Yeah.

- I mean, I'm working
six days a week.

- Mmm.

I would probably work
with a business partner

because if you leave
or go do whatever you do,

there's that one person
that you trust,

that's there that you know
would put their heart and their

soul into it, you know?
- Yeah.

- Maybe you and I should look
into something together.

[tense music]

Would you be open to that?
- Mmm, I don't know.

You know, I put everything
I have into this,

and I was 26 years old
when I opened this,

and if it goes down, I mean,
that's everything I have.

- That's scary.

- But then again, I mean,
I've been here for two years

and I'm outgrowing it so fast,
space-wise.

I mean, it's at least
worth us talking about it

and trying to figure that out.
- Yeah.

Brainstorm about
what we need to do,

come up with a budget,
how long this would take.

- Step by step.
- Yeah, 'cause it's a lot.

- Yep.

- I mean, this relationship
would be more serious

than a marriage,
I'll tell you that.

- How do you think Austen's
gonna feel about that?

[laughs]

- Well, we might have that
bad boy open before

his beer is on the shelf.
- Oh, sh--.

- It's a shame.
- I agree.

- He has so much potential.

I wish that things didn't
go the way they did.

But the whole thing with, like,
Craig and Shep...

- Yep.

- Saying that I did
something and--

- He's easily, like,
manipulated by them.

- You know what?
Shep, (BLEEP) him.

He said that I was
"white trash hair stylist."

- Shep did?
- Yeah.

And I was like, "Oh,
I didn't know the country club

I grew up in was white trash,
but..."

- Oh, my God.
- Whatever.

I pay my taxes.
Your parents pay yours.

You're a joke.
- But Shep just--

he gets away with
sh-- like that.

Shep just thinks that
he's on another level.

People that weren't brought up
the same way he was,

he looks at them differently
and judges them.

Which is so ridiculous
and so childish.

- And I'm like, "Austen,
why wouldn't you

shut that down?"

- He would if it
were anyone else.

But there's something
with Shep that--

- Shep has Austen
pussy-whipped.

- I know.

♪ ♪

- Coming up...

- I've seen what Thomas' life
has done to Kathryn,

and it will ruin your life
if you let it.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Damn it.

♪ ♪

- [sniffs]

♪ ♪

[horn honking]

[quirky music]

- Hey.
- Hey, what's going on, man?

- Not too much. How are you?
- I'm Craig. Good, good.

- Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm Nate.

- Oh, wow. This is great.
- Thanks.

- Let's check it out
before the guys get here.

- Yeah, we got some
food and stuff.

Got some beers.
- Oh, man.

This looks great.
- Got a bed and some bunks.

- All right, thanks, Nate.
- Thank you.

- I'm gonna go get my bags
and stuff.

- Cool.

- Thank you, Michael.

- [speaking French]

- Hey, buddy.
- Good morning.

Bags.

Fine day for a Winnebago ride.

- I know, right?

Cheers.
- Hey, man.

- All right.
Come on in.

Nate, this is Whitney.
- Hey, man.

How's it going?
Nice, man.

Is this the only room
in the thing?

- Yes, but this expands out
both ways into a huge bedroom.

- That's great.

- I'm just gonna park
in your driveway.

Is that cool?
- Yeah, just park it up there.

- Go through our snacks.

- Are these all, like,
our condiments and provisions?

- This is dinner.
- Yeah, that's gonna happen.

[tense music]

- God, I hate this car.

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

- [groans]
[car door dinging]

- What's up?
- The (BLEEP) happened to you?

- [laughs]
I tore my MCL

riding a mechanical bull.
[laughs]

- Good lord.

- [laughs]
- You (BLEEP) head.

- This isn't so bad.
What you got there?

- Take a peek at that.

- Is this yours?
- Huh? Yeah.

- Is it cold?
- No.

- All right,
guys trip for Austen!

Ready to get this show
on the road?

- Yeah.
- Yee-haw!

- And we're off.

- Do you have any idea
how long this ride is?

- Four and a half hours.

- This is sweet, though.

Whitney probably toured
on this back in the day.

- Except we had six bunk beds
in the back.

- What was your band name,
Whitney?

- One was called Staplegun.
It was ----ing awesome.

I was brought in as
a rhythm guitarist.

Shredded like a mother----er.

I'm classically trained.

I was in tons of punk
or heavy metal bands.

I had hair.
Looked good.

I was, like,
a Bieber of my day.

- A beer sounds nice
to commemorate this trip.

- I'll drink one.
- Yeah, I'll have a beer.

I talked to Danni yesterday
about the Kathryn incident.

- What did, uh, she have
to say about it?

- She's like,
"I'm done with her."

- Who, Danni said that?
- Yeah.

- They gotta work it out,
though,

'cause she's been
so good to Kathryn.

- Kathryn didn't
wanna talk about it,

and she has every right to say,
"Okay, thank you.

I don't wanna talk about it."

- When someone tells you
to buzz off

and you're their old friend,

that's a ----ing
big, big slap in the face.

- But we do it to each other
all the time.

- That's true.
- Women are different than us.

Girls are more sensitive.

They can really
hurt one another.

Whereas with guys it's sarcasm

and it's busting
someone's balls.

I'm getting this dog next week.
Craig the dog.

The reason I'm naming it Craig
is so I can discipline it.

That's how we communicate.

- Cheers.
- First of 100.

- [laughs]
The first of a million beers.

[gentle acoustic guitar music]

♪ ♪

- Hello.
- Look who's here, Red.

- Hey, Jewella.
Hey, girl.

- And here's Mommy.
- Hey, handsome.

So I'm thinking
I'm gonna ride Ben.

- Okay.

- And then we're gonna put
Danni and Naomie on Rolo and G.

The feeling of cheating death

fuels you to
live life differently

because I want to leave
this earth with peace

and zero negativity.

- I'll go ahead and put
their bridles on.

- Okay.
Hi.

Hey.

[country music]

- I mean,
this is absolutely stunning.

- Oh.

- I'm glad that we're
doing this today

'cause I know Eliza's been,
like, reaching out.

[phone dings]

[quirky music]

Eliza Limehouse just texted me.

- Mmm.
That's so bizarre.

- I don't really want to make
a strong opinion

about this until I know--
you know?

Until I know what that means.

I don't know.

After Patricia's dinner,

I was just so
turned off by her.

Cameran said she explained
to Eliza that her behavior

was not appropriate
and that Eliza said

she didn't understand.

But that's why I'm glad we're
doing this 'cause--

- Aww, see, that kind of
makes me sad.

- I know.
Just give her another chance,

you know?

♪ ♪

- Eliza!
- Hello!

- Hi.
[laughs]

- Oh, I love it here.
- You guys!

I missed y'all so much.
- Oh.

- This is Ben.
- Oh.

- Do you love the girls?

Um, so I'm gonna put you
on these two, Rolo and G.

They're both really good.
Okay, y'all ready to go?

- Come on, sir.

- Come on.
You look so shiny.

Okay, so remember,
loose reins, left hand.

[country music]

We can try around this way.

Just be careful
for armadillo holes.

Come on, babe.
[mimics kissing]

[horse whinnies]

Yay!

Where's Danni?

- I'm, like, hanging onto
my saddle for dear life.

- Come on, Danni!
- [vocalizes fanfare]

- [laughs]
Morning workout.

- Oh, my God.
My legs.

♪ ♪

Okay, this feels
better right now.

- [laughs]

I know.
Good boy.

I love chill horse ride days.

I gotta do more chill things.

Two weeks ago, I was supposed
to go to the Bahamas.

Um, but I was running
on Lime time per usual,

and the plane crashed.
- Yes, I heard about that.

- Yeah.
- You were supposed

to be on that plane.
- Yes.

So you just have
to choose happiness.

And that's why I just wanted
y'all to come

and move past all the drama.
- Yeah.

- You know, when I came
to Miss Pat's with Shep,

it was like I was
under that microscope,

with my parents divorcing
and the affair and everything.

And I had everything I say
or do called out

and judged more in that--
- I--it's--

I'm sorry you felt that way.
- Yeah.

I'm not even gonna lie, I was
annoyed during the dinner.

- I'm sorry I'm young and hot
and just graduated college.

- But I think because you were
uncomfortable, too,

you were overcompensating
and trying to be so friendly

and so--that it came off wrong.
- Yeah.

Cam was like, "You're being
too much with Kathryn."

I'm like,
"I'm just being friendly."

But if I try to be friendly
then I'm being too much,

and I'm damned if I do,
I'm damned if I don't.

- Right.
- And I don't really think

it's fair
for her to be mad at me.

- Eliza, I think she has
a general trust...

- Issue.
- Problem with everybody.

I'm even having a weird thing
with her right now.

Well, she just made a comment
that was hurtful.

- What?

- It was absolutely ridiculous,
but--

- 'Cause you've been there
for her since day one.

- Mm-hmm.
- When none of us...

- I know.
- Were talking to her.

- I've already versed
how I feel.

I sent her a text.

"You just spit
on our friendship."

- What?
- "I hope it felt good."

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

- I could have just
brushed it off,

but I'm not gonna be
anybody's doormat,

and I want an apology,
and that's that.

- The way that she turned
on Danni like that

makes me question,
has she really changed?

- I remember the Kathryn that
I knew even before

her and Thomas
first got together.

She was so nice, sweet,
and innocent.

But I feel like being with
a guy like Thomas--

I know this from, you know,
living with my dad--

you get a little overshadowed
because they're the big dogs.

Dad and Thomas
are definitely a type.

When they're in the room,

they're the center
of attention.

- I'm declaring it hereby
Topless Day

here at the Limehouse,
um, house.

- It's hard to be with
somebody like that because

you're kind of standing
there like,

"Oh, yeah, here I am, too."

I mean, Limehouse or Ravenel,
like, you can't get any more,

like, in the public than that.

And I think I definitely see it
in a different perspective

than everybody else,
because I've grown up

under a microscope.

And I've seen what my dad's
life has done to us.

And I've seen what Thomas's
life has done to Kathryn.

It gets to you and it will
ruin your life if you let it.

[dramatic music]

- Coming up...

- My question is,
is are you a good driver?

- Yes, I am.
- You don't text and drive?

- Mm-mm.
We'll get her a helmet.

- That makes me feel good.
[laughs]

[upbeat music]

- Hand me one of your beers,
pal.

- All right.
- Look at that.

- Is that the can?

- Yeah, man.
- Nice.

That's cool.
- Tell me what you think.

- It's good.
- Here, let me see this sh--.

[quirky music]

- That's called the correct
amount of carbonation.

Don't spit it out, Whitney.

If you spit it out,
I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna k--
[laughs]

- Not bad.
- It's good, right?

- I think it's
a damn good beer.

- I like it.
- Thank you.

You know what?

I'm gonna have
a ----ing 'nother one.

I'm gonna be sloshed by the
time I get to this campsite.

- It smells great in here.
Men, alcohol, beer farts.

We need some air because
everyone's ----ing

sweating right now.
- Yeah.

- [grunting]

- Did you just break your--
oh, my gosh.

Yeah, you did.
Craig already broke his window.

- No, I didn't.
Okay, now I did.

♪ ♪

- Get me out of here!

- Whitney, what'd you do?

- I'm stuck.
[all laughing]

- Oh, man.

Oh, Jesus.

- I don't know how to flush
this ----ing thing.

- Austen, I bet Chelsea'll
still give you a deal

on some haircuts.
- Yeah.

- Wait, wait, how do I see
these screenshots?

- I kind of want to see them,
too.

- How do I see them?
Do you have them?

- Chelsea has them.
- No.

Madison's got them all.

- For you guys,
I feel like infidelity

is a core concept
of your relationship.

Like--
- You're wrong.

- She ----ed you over.

She did things that most of us
on this bus would say,

"(BLEEP) you.
You're dead to me.

"Don't ever talk to me,
and I can't believe

you betrayed me like this."
- You're right.

- This is the--what's
the status now?

- Uh, we haven't spoken and--
- So you two are not together?

- We are not together.
- You've broken up?

- Yes.
- Officially?

- Yes.

- So you're not
seeing each other?

- No.
- There's no poking?

- [laughs]
No backsliding.

As of yet.
- Oh, my God.

- Good.
- That sounds bad.

Don't leave the door
open like that.

- Jeez.
- Go get laid.

- I don't wanna go get laid.
- Yes, you do.

Yes, you do.

- I still wanna see
these screenshots.

- Whitney, you will see nothing
until you admit

to this whole bus that you
----ed Kathryn this summer.

- Ooh!
- Yeah, bud.

Don't ----ing come at me
when you have your own

sh-- going on.
[phone ringing]

- Oh, Cameran's calling.
- God.

Saved by the ----ing bell.
- Hey, baby doll.

- How's it going?
- We're--it's really exciting.

- It's like the Spanish
Inquisition in here.

- Cameran, they're just--
they're just hammering me.

- Is Craig wasted?
- Yes, he is.

Whoa.
- Titties!

- Boobs.
[laughs]

- Cam, tell them
to be nice to me.

- You think we're gonna be
nice to you?

----ing crazy?
- [laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

[phone trilling]

- Baby.
- Hey.

How are you?

- Packing up.

I have almost four bins full
of clothes that Palmer

has already outgrown
and it's making me

kind of sad.

- It really does.

[mimics crying]

Palmer is now a year old.

And as tough as that
baby phase is,

I would give anything
to go back and relive it.

Oh, man.

I said I'm not going to be
one of these women

who hordes all of her child's
baby clothes.

But I literally go in there
sometimes at night

and smell them.

Um, so, I have got the nanny
coming to the house

that I'm going to interview.

Do you have any questions
that you think I should ask?

- What do you mean?

[laughs]

- Jason, no.

This is a nanny for Palmer,
not for Elvis.

[dog whining]
- [laughing]

- Okay, okay, okay.

Love you.
I--I'll call you later.

- All right, bye.

[doorbell rings]

I feel guilty saying that I
don't want to be a stay-at-home

mom, but I like to work.
I do like to work.

And I don't want the ability
to work be taken away from me

because I don't have
care for my child.

Hi, Barbara.
- Hey, Cameran.

- Come in.
Nice to see you.

- Barbara McDonald.
Nice to see you, too.

- We are gonna go
right in here.

- All right.

- And I'm so sorry that--
Palmer's in school today.

So she's not here.
- Okay.

- So how long have you
been doing this?

- For about
the past 10 or 12 years.

Nanny care was
something that I knew.

- Yes.

- You know,
having my own children

and now my own grandchildren.

- Okay, so you're comfortable
with a younger child.

- Oh, yes.

- What's your protocol for,
like, an emergency?

- A call to 911 first,
and then I would call you.

- Oh, God,
that gives me anxiety.

Do you know how to do Heimlich?
- Yes, CPR.

- If she is, like, trying
to crawl up into the fireplace.

- Well--
- Common sense is huge.

- Yeah.

- How do you deal with, like,
an inconsolable--

Are you available
to do overnights?

How would you discipline
a kid that's so young?

Do you believe in astrology?
- Um...

- Sure.
- Okay.

This is probably, like,
where I'm a little nuts.

The only people that I've
allowed her to ride

in the car with are
me and my husband.

My own mother,
I have not allowed.

So my question is,
is are you a good driver?

- Yes, I am.
- Okay.

I'm a very good driver.
- You don't text and drive?

- Oh, no.

I'm the little old lady that,
you know--

- That makes me feel good.
[laughs]

- We'll get her a helmet.
- Maybe you can t--

[quirky music]

[both laughing]

Actually, I would not
be opposed to that.

- I'd try very hard to be you
when you're not there.

I would do what I think
you would do.

- I do not have this whole
parenting thing down.

Like--
- Well, nobody does.

♪ ♪

- Coming up...

- Whoa, that's a lot of salt!
- That's too much sodium!

- Oh, my God if you--if you're
gonna get involved with this--

- I don't want high blood
pressure and cancer.

- Shut your ----ing mouth.
- Oh.

[country music]

- All right, we're here.

- I am stoked.

- Craig, how many girls are
here that you invited?

[all laughing]

- Oh, dude,
that's our campsite.

- That's badass, actually.

- How can a campsite be badass?

- Man, this looks great.

- I heard it's four stars.

- I can't wait to Yelp
about this campsite.

Oh, sh--.
- Oh, yeah.

We definitely just hit a tree.

[all laughing]

- Are we here?
- All right, Craig.

- Wow, it's great.
- Let's get camping.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Oh, we can't get in.

- I'm gonna break this handle.
- No, no, no.

- Don't break it.
- Let Craig do it.

- What do we--where's--
what's the latch?

- Hold on.
- Pushing it down.

- Please, I wanna stay
on this much longer,

if that's possible.

[door rattling]

- You just locked it.
- Oh, I did just lock it.

- Nate, how do I do this?
- Uh, you pull the door handle.

- Nate's gonna help us.

- All right.
- A-ha!

- There we go.
- Got it.

- Whoo!

Craig, the eagle has landed.
Look at this.

We're right next to the river.
- Oh, this is sweet.

- This is ----ing rad.
Yes.

- Oh, (BLEEP).

- We got our own fire pit,
our own river.

- Set our tents up over here?

- Uh, that's where
the bears are.

- What?
- Oh, this is great.

I love getting back to nature.

- A-ha, firewood.
- Yes, sir.

- Let's build a fire.

- Oh, let's make
a fire for sure.

- Craig, come on.
No.

- Come here, boy.

- All right, I'm gonna change

into something more
comfortable.

That's all that we have?

- Oh, we need
a lot more than that.

- Yeah, that'll last
about an hour.

You want to go find some wood
from the forest?

- We'll forage.

- Let's get the fire
started first.

Oh, (BLEEP).
Really good.

- Um, Craiger, look at this.
Should we open this?

- Shep, we need your help.
Shep.

- He's changing.

- You good?
- Yeah.

- Wait, will you grab it?

[tense music]

[both grunting]

- [groans]
- Where's your bear?

Okay.
- Oh!

♪ ♪

- All right, I think I got it.

- You almost got it, man.

[pensive music]

Let's just let it work
for a second.

♪ ♪

- We're supposed to cook
on this sh--?

- Austen.
- Yo, mother----er!

- We need your headlamp.
- Yes!

We're rocking now, baby.

- We need to go look
for kindling.

- We need a lot of newspaper.

We need, like,
a million things.

Because you didn't
get enough supplies.

- All right, that's not true.

Austen and I are going
to get them right now.

- Where?
- In the woods, Shep.

- Okay.

Whitney, get a chair.

- Look at--he just got
a ----ing rocker.

- Oh, baby.
[laughs]

- It--it would happen
like that.

- Austen, let's go.
- Okay.

- Okay, you guys
go get some kindling.

- Put that ----ing
headlamp to use.

- This is what we need.
Look.

When you see a stick,
pick it up.

- We'll just get this stump.

- Can you slow your light down?

- Come on.
Just follow me.

- Oh, yeah.
Good fire.

Good friends.
Good fire.

- Could be worse.

♪ ♪

- Oh, it's pretty wet.

Look in here.

Pine cones are good.

- There's no--
- Oh, slug.

Get the (BLEEP) off.
- [shouting]

- Top ten.
Number one, Beatles.

Number two is Led Zeppelin.

Number three--number three
I would say, The Clash.

- Black Sabbath.

- Little pieces.
Little pieces.

Yeah.
Yeah, there you go.

- Because this wood is,
like, rotted.

- Those two jackals out there
prowling around.

They don't have
their sh-- together.

- Cheers, old boy.
- Cheers, buddy.

- Good having you, man.
- Glad you came.

- That'll work, right?
- Yeah.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Did you get the pine needles?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Aww, sh--.
We need to move the fire over.

- What the (BLEEP)
are you talking about?

- That's where we're
cooking our burgers.

- Yeah, I know,
but we need to put it

over the fire so we can--
- No, it won't.

It's already hooked
on the side.

Don't you get it?
We have to move the fire over.

- Ah, I didn't see that.
- ----ing Craig.

- ----ing Craig did it again.

- Can you imagine relying
on him for anything in life?

You'd be ----ed.
- [coughs]

- Ooh.
- What's up?

- We had to move it over
because that's the only place

where the burgers can cook.

- Fine, you don't want it
to completely direct heat.

It'll be way too hot
when we're cooking.

- I know, I know, I know.
- That's fine.

- Yeah, we know, bro.

- Whitney,
you don't know anything.

- [laughs]
- Whitney.

You're doing a great job.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Just sit there and
look pretty for all of us.

- Anything I can do.
- Thanks, buddy.

- Dude, your ----ing coal
miner hat looks stupid.

Please take it off.
Thank you.

- Can you just stop hating
on everything for one second?

- What the (BLEEP) was that?

- All right, guys.
I'm officially off now.

Yeah, I'll see you guys
tomorrow, actually.

- Yeah, see you tomorrow.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Make sure to call on us.
- Of course. Of course.

- All right, I'm gonna cook.
- Okay, hot dogs, hamburgers.

- Shep, I would put some salt
and pepper on them.

- Do it.
You're the culinary guy.

- That's not my job.
- All right.

- You're missing baked beans,
corn.

I need my vegetarian aspect.
- You are eating meat tonight.

I don't care what anyone says.
- I'm not eating that sh--.

It's not pasture-raised.
- Hmm.

- Hey, where's the corn?

- I got all the ingredients
we need, guys.

- I'm wrapping the corn.

I'm eating my two ears of corn.
That's my dinner.

And some baked beans.
- No.

Just let me make it the way
I want to make it.

- I--I don't want A.1., uh,
KC and dairy on my corn.

- Okay.

Cook whatever you want,
Whitney.

- Your non-GMO corn.
- I'll do so.

- You gonna call up
the farm and ask

if certain pesticides
were used?

Jesus.

- All right,
I'm putting this on.

Whoo-hoo!
- Why?

Shep, stop.
- Why?

- 'Cause you just said
I was cooking the burgers

and you have to--
- Oww!

- Dude, you don't cook on
a open flame like that.

- It's ready, dude.

It's not that big
of an open flame.

- Relax.

- Why does he think
he knows how to cook?

- I think I've discovered
in years past

that Craig overestimates
his culinary skills,

uh, especially over
an open flame.

The lack of expertise
is alarming.

- I've never smoked anything.

- Yes, but you said
you were a grill master.

You should know that you have
to turn over ribs

and cook both sides.
- You--but you don't know.

If you knew then I--
- No, I never claimed to know.

- Just let me make it.

- Whoa, that's a lot of salt!
- That's too much sodium!

- Oh, my God, too many--if
you're gonna get involved

with this, it's from up here.

- I already did.
I put them on the grill.

- Yeah, I don't want high blood
pressure and cancer from this.

- Whitney, shut the (BLEEP) up.

Shut your ----ing mouth.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- Why does he think he knows

- Why does he think he knows
how to cook? I mean...

- Whoa, that's a lot of salt!
- That's too much sodium!

- Oh my God, too many--
if you're gonna get

involved with this, don't.
- I already did.

- It's from up here.
- I put them on the grill.

- Yeah, I don't want high blood
pressure and cancer from this.

- Whitney, shut the (BLEEP) up.

Shut your ----ing mouth.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- All right.
All right, Craig.

- Craig, it's all good, man.
Craig.

- It's embarrassing me
to associate with you guys.

- Oh.
- What?

- Don't say ignorant sh--.
- Ignorant sh--?

- And then you push and push
and push and then you're like,

"Oh, we're sorry that we're
total ----ing assholes.

We just were gonna do it
till you got pissed off."

- [laughs]
That's not ignorant.

We're just assholes.

- What the (BLEEP)
is wrong with him?

- You know, he overreacts,
I guess you could say.

- Don't you love when, like,
the kids that didn't make

the sports team
sit on the sidelines

and talk sh-- against playing?

It's like, go home
and play video games.

- Uh, we were on
the sports team.

You were cooking, you doofus.
- No, I cooked after sports.

Got more varsity letters
than probably any of you.

- He's just like
my little brother.

I was such a dick
to my little brother.

I just couldn't help it.

He was such an easy target.
It was fun.

- He takes things so personal.

- Whitney, where are
the ears of corn?

- Next to him.
- These two are my dinner.

The other two
you can deal with.

- Well then you can't
have a burger.

There's four of everything.

- It's my ----ing dinner, man.
I'm not eating your sh--.

- Actually, do whatever
the (BLEEP) you want.

You guys baffle me.
You baffle me.

I'm gonna take two so that
someone can't have one.

- Craig, cook your high blood
pressure carcinogens...

- Just stop.
- [chuckles]

- As Shep says,
guys rag on each other.

I just didn't know this
was gonna be the roast of

Craig Conover
starring Shep and Whitney.

- Don't play the victim, Craig.
- I'm not playing sh--.

I'm just not talking
to you guys.

Maybe don't act like total
----ing assholes.

- Who do you want to talk to?

The frog on
that rock over there?

- I don't need to talk
to a single person.

I'll talk to Austen.
- Yeah.

He hasn't given you
a hard time at all today.

- It's not about that.

He doesn't take it
over the limit.

- What limit?

[all laughing]

- You just push and
push and push.

- Wait, is there a limit?
If someone says something?

- Oh, yeah, keep riding Craig.
Let's go.

- I mean, tell me
if there's a limit.

- [laughs]

- Come on, Craig.
Tend to your burgers.

- [groans]
- [laughs]

- Dude, put it perpendicular.
- Here.

- Take your ----ing sh--.
Yeah.

- Oh!
Oh, no!

- Cook your own ----ing
cob now, I'm serious.

- Dude, you got hot dog juice
on my glasses.

- Oh, Craig!

- I'll break your
----ing glasses.

- Damn, Craig.
What's wrong with you?

- Be nice.

- Just hypocritical
pieces of sh--.

"Be nice."

Shep, "be nice" just came out
of your ----ing mouth.

- We're here to bust
each other's chops.

That's what we do.
- Give it back, bro.

Just tell us to (BLEEP) off,
get on with our lives,

and then that's it.
- Yeah.

- Jesus.
- (BLEEP) off.

- We're having fun.
We're by a fire.

What do you do by a fire?
Compliment one another?

- Our childhoods
were so different.

- Where are you going?
- To sleep.

- Quit being such
a ----ing baby.

Craig, come on.
What are you doing?

- Well, (BLEEP) off.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[groans]

(BLEEP).

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- What a--

What?

- Y'all make
goddamn nice with Craig.

- He's whining.

- You're like--you're like
the two Muppets.

You know, in the balcony
that just dog everything.

This is, like,
"supposed to be a trip"

to help me get over Madison and
it very, very clearly isn't.

- How's the dog, bruh?
- Horrible.

- [laughs]
- Shocking.

Dude, you know what
I'm gonna do here soon?

Is set up my tent.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Fantastic.

You go build a tent.

- And the more that my friends
exhibit asshole behavior...

- You know what?
I'd love to help.

But I don't want to.
- You're a real asshole.

The more that I'm like,
"Who the hell needs friends

with friends like these?"

----ing asshats.

- On the next episode
of "Southern Charm"...

- I can't believe a baby
fits in that.

- Where?
- In the triangle part.

- Are you sure?
- Doesn't that look gross?

- I don't think so.

- It's, like,
missing something.

- I think it's missing
an Indian person

that's good at cooking.

- Who are we missing?
- Kathryn.

- Kathryn, is she coming?
- Yeah.

I had heard she had
a boyfriend.

- I Googled him and some, like,
wild things come up.

- Oh.

His penis looks like
a Ken doll.

[laughter and shouting]
- Yes!

- What you said to me that
night was, like, shocking.

You can't go there
all the time.

- I know.
- That really hurt.

- We've been in such close
----ing quarters

with Shep and his, you know,
"I am the smartest person

in the ----ing room."
- He's a douchebag.

- "Everyone else
is ----ing morons."

- What's your hook?
How do you hook people?

- Craig...

- For more "Southern Charm,"
go to bravotv.com.