All language subtitles for Meet the Fockers (www.kinokopilka.tv).eng

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

You must do something!
Baby is coming!

I know baby is coming!

Stay calm
and take deep breaths.

I need a doctor here
right now.

I am working on it.

You're not a doctor?

No, I am a nurse.

You are man
and you are nurse?

What kind of man is nurse?

Folks, I'm a professional,

I know exactly
what I'm doing,

so just trust me,
everything's going to be fine.

You're fully dilated.
I need that doctor
right now.

There are no free doctors.

You're gonna have to
deliver that baby yourself.

I can see the head!

Holy shit!

(SCREAMING)

Check it out.
We did it.

We had a boy.

A boy. You are my hero.

Mmm-hmm.

I name baby for you.

Oh! You don't have to do that.

I must.
It is Latvian tradition.

We'll name the baby�

(GRUNTING)

BERNIE ON MACHINE:
Hello, you've reached
the Fockers.

We're not around,

so leave us a message.
Goodbye.

Roz, how the hell do you
shut this thing off?

ROZ ON MACHINE:
I have no idea.
Press a button.

I'm pretty sure
it's off.

Honey, you want
a chimichanga?

I thought
they gave you gas.

A little bit,
but it's worth it.

Worth it for you
but I'm the one
that gets the fumes.

I'm in the mood
for a chimichanga.

So make a�

(ANSWER MACHINE BEEPING)

Hi, guys, it's me.

Dad, I told you
six months ago

you have to change
that message.

I'm just calling
to double check

'cause I didn't hear
back from you.

Pam and I are flying
out to Oyster Bay today.

Then we're flying to Miami
tomorrow with the Byrneses.

Our flight gets in 7: 30,
so we should be at
the house around 9: 00.

Give me a call
back on my cell.

I want to go over
a few things

about Pam's dad
and some other stuff
for the weekend.

All right.
I love you, bye.

Hey, sweetie.
How was your shift?

Oh! Guess what?
What?

I delivered my first baby.

(GASPS) No way.

Oh! Honey,
I'm so proud of you.

It was incredible.

Just to be pulling
this life force
out of this woman's�

You know, I mean,
it was just so�

The whole baby thing
is so cool.

That's great, honey.

So, are you ready to go?
I'd like to get
the airport early.

Give me a second.

Things always goes wrong.

The flight leaves
in four hours.

I wish we could set
a wedding date without
our parents meeting.

Honey, this weekend
is gonna be fine.

Your parents are great.

They're great in small doses.

Forty-eight hours
in Coconut Grove
is a small dose.

Besides,
you've already
won over my dad

and that is the hard part.

Mmm. That is true.

I am still in
the Byrnes family
circle of trust.

You're firmly in the circle.
(CHUCKLING) Finally.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh. Taxi!

Going to the airport?
Yeah.

Take mine.

Great.

Nice guy.
Yeah.

You two, you're up.

Oh, dear.

What?

They overbooked coach.

(SIGHING)

What does that mean?
Do we miss our flight or�

We are going to have to
upgrade you to first class.

Really?

(CHUCKLING)
Thank you.

(GRUNTING)

Oh! Sir, why don't you
let me take that for you?

Okay, yeah.

So, you wanna check it
or put it on another flight

'cause that's cool,
whatever you want to do.

I'm just going to store it
in the Captain's closet.

That was nice.
Yeah.

Champagne?
Thank you.

Champagne, sir?

Thank you.

Enjoy.

Mmm-hmm.

Would you like to purchase
rental insurance, Mr. Focker?

Um�

No. Thanks.

No?

(WHISPERING) It's a scam.

That's how they make
all their money.

That's true.
You don't need it.

Get out of here.

The House of Byrnes.

Lot of good memories here.

Mom? Dad?

I am watching you.

(GURGLING)

Almost�

but you do it
with two fingers.

One on each eye like this,

I am watching you.

(GURGLING)

We'll get back to that later.
Guess who's here?

It's Professor Einstein.

Hi, Little Jack.
You're a genius.

I see a Nobel Prize
in your future.
Yes, I do.

Study break, boys.
Company's here.

Pamcake!

Flapjack!

(CHUCKLING)

BOTH: Shortstack,
shortstack coming up!

Put some syrup in the cup.

Pa, pa, pa, pa,
pa, pa, pa.

That's how it goes, right?

That's okay, Greg.

Nice to see you.
Yes.

Nice to see you, Grandpa.

(LITTLE JACK GURGLING)

How did my nephew get so big?
Look at you.

You look just
like your mommy.

GREG: He does,
doesn't he?

This is Greg. Remember
we talked about him?

(CHUCKLING)

Sorry, Greg.
The card only comes
in one gender.

Oh! That's all right.

(LITTLE JACK GURGLES)

JACK: He's taking you in.

He has a very keen
sense for people, Greg.

Mmm.

He's a chip off
the old block. Huh?

We might have another CIA man
on our hands here.

I'd be discreet
about my profession,
if I were you.

As far as your parents
are concerned,
I'm a horticulturist.

Why is Little Jack here?
Won't Deb and Bob
be house-sitting?

No, they're in
Ko Saimii, Thailand.

Checking on the clinic
they opened during
their honeymoon.

(CHUCKLING)
What is all this stuff,
anyway?

After Denny was sent
to military school,
your father turned this

into a learning laboratory
for you-know-who over there.

Do you talk yet,
Mr. Munchkinhead?

(BABBLING)

Greg, don't infantilize him.
Talk to him like an adult.

DINA: Muskrat, Jack.

(CHUCKLING)

Try to understand
he's a little person.

His communication skills
aren't verbal yet,

but he understands.
Observe.

LJ, are you hungry?

Oh, wow.

(MUMBLING)

GREG: Look at that.

"I would like more
to eat more, please. "

"I'd like a nap,
and later I'll enjoy
a nice poop. "

(SPLUTTERING)

I've heard about
this baby signing.

This is like cutting edge.

At this age, Greg,
his mind is like a sponge.

When he reaches
your age,

his mind will be
far less capable

of absorbing
useful information.

So cute.
Can I hold him?

I don't think that's
such a good idea, Greg.

Muskrat.

All right, all right.

This is Greg.
Greg will not
drop you, okay?

Be careful.

Hello. Oh!

I think he likes me.

Ow!

Shit!

(LITTLE JACK WAILING)

Focker. He's absorbing
you like a sponge.

I don't want his first word
to be a profanity.

It's okay.

Cover your nose.
You're terrifying him.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(WAILING)

It's cool that
your dad is so into
being a grandparent.

It freaks my mom out.
She says he spends
every second with that kid.

(HORN HONKING)

Oh, my God.

Daddy?

(GREG EXCLAIMING)

Daddy, what is this thing?

It's a custom-designed,
climate-controlled
motor coach.

Jack calls it
the Highlight
of our Twilight.

This is incredible.

Isn't it?

(KNOCKING ON TRUCK)

Ooh! Like a tank.

In these uncertain times,
I opted for
a Kevlar-reinforced hull

with two-inch thick
Plexiglas windows,

just like the ones
they design

on the Russian
Widowmaker submarines.

I want you to conduct
a field test for us.

I want you to demonstrate
the impregnable
outer skin of the coach.

Throw it at the window.

Oh.

Jack, I'm not going to throw
a brick at your window.

It's a simple demonstration.

I'd rather not.

Throw the brick.
Okay.

All your might.
All right.

Don't worry,
your rental insurance
should take care of it.

Come on,
we'll call a tow truck
from the road.

Road?

We're driving this to Miami.

Driving? I thought
we were flying tomorrow.

No, airline travel
being what it is
these days, so unreliable�

I'll feel much more
comfortable knowing

I have my own
Posturepedic bed,

my own thermostat,
my own lavatory facility.

Uh-huh. So we're all going
to be in this together?

We hit the road
in exactly 7 minutes,
27 seconds.

This way we'll get in early,
spend an extra half day

with your parents,
getting to know them.
Isn't that great?

That is great.

ROZ: Worth it for you
but I'm the one
that gets the fumes.

BERNIE:
I'm in the mood
for a chimichanga.

So make a�

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPING)

Hey, guys, it's me.

I'm getting worried.
I haven't heard from you.
Hope you got the message.

There's been
a change of plans.

We'll be coming down
in Jack's RV,

so we'll be arriving
tomorrow afternoon,
not at night.

Tomorrow afternoon.
Also, they're bringing
their grandson,

so, he's like a baby.
So� I don't know.

Oh! Welcome aboard,
me hearties.

This is incredible.

Yes, it's as big
as our apartment.

Pretty neat. Huh?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(MEOWING)

Mr. Jinx finally learned
how to flush the toilet. Huh?

Jack installed
a special flusher

and he learnt how to do
that in about two days.

Hey there, Jinxy.
How you doing?

(MEOWING)

Ready to hit the road,
Co-Captain?

Wow!

I'm the Co-Captain?

Let's set sail, sailor.

(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

JACK: Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is Captain Jack
Byrnes speaking.

A quick announcement.

As a courtesy
to your fellow passengers,

please remember
the onboard lavatory should
be used for number one only.

Should the need
for number two arise,

we'll stop at the nearest
rest stop, gas station,
or heavily wooded area.

Thank you. Welcome aboard.

I like that thing.
Do you mind if I make
a little announcement?

Only the captain gets
to make an announcement.

You want to honk the horn?

Um� Sure.

Only the captain gets
to honk the horn.

Oh! Look!

GREG: Jinxy, see that?

PAM: You hungry?
Do you want some milk?

(HORN HONKING)

GREG: Oh! She wants you
to honk the horn.

Not interested.

Rules of the road.
She honks, you honk.

Come on, Jack, honk.

(HONKING)
There you go.

(WHOOPING)

(GIRLS YELLING)

It's like a team
or something.

(GREG READING)

(GIRLS YELLING)

(GASPING)

Oh!

Thanks for that, Greg.

ROZ:� for you
but I'm the one
that gets the fumes.

BERNIE: I'm in the mood
for a chimichanga.

So make a�

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPING)

(LITTLE JACK COOING)

No hard feelings,
all right?

(LITTLE JACK GURGLING)

Friends? What's that?
What're you saying?

Wait a minute.
What does this mean?
I know what this means.

Squeeze. Oh! Poop!

You got to poop, right? Good.
Thank you for warning me.

Everybody poops.
Sometimes it hurts.
It's okay.

Just let it come out.

(WAILING)

What did you do, Focker?

Nothing. I think
he has to poop.

That's not the sign for poop.
That's the sign for milk.

This is the sign
for poop.

Oh! What's the sign
for sour milk?

'Cause this tastes
a little funky.

That's because
it's from Debbie's
left breast, Greg.

(GAGGING)

(LAUGHING)

Ew.

Fortunately,
she pumped for a week

to give us enough
for the trip.

Okay, snack pack
for Little Jack.

GREG: What are you
doing there?

During the
breastfeeding stage

infants can get confused
and upset if they're not
with their mothers.

So I invented
something to ease LJ's
anxiety during chow time.

I call it
the Manary Gland.

I had it made
from an exact cast of
Debbie's left bosom.

(GURGLING)

Okay.

It's been so effective,
I'm thinking of
getting it patented.

Would you like
to touch it?

Uh, I wouldn't.

Come on,
feel how soft it is.

I can see how soft
it is from here.

No, feel it, Greg.

It looks very�

Just feel
the breast, Greg.

Watch the nipple.
Just around here.
Nipple is his.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's got a great,
lifelike,

or what I'd imagine
Debbie's breast might
actually feel like.

Not that I would know.

(CHATTERING)

PAM: Greg.

What?

You promised you wouldn't
take the boob out
in front of company.

It's nothing to
be ashamed of.

Breast-feeding
is perfectly natural.

Dad, that's not natural,
that's just weird.

As soon as
Little Jack's topped off,
we're going to hit the road.

Oh!

Oh, Jack, you can't
drive any more tonight.

Dr. Monroe said
no aggravating
your sciatica.

Honey, we're on
a very precise schedule.

We bunk here tonight,
we hit horrendous traffic
in the morning.

(LITTLE JACK WHINING)

Greg.
Yeah.

Maybe you'd drive
the night shift.

I could do that.

I am the Co-Captain.
So, I think it falls
under my responsibilities.

Keep her at 55,
stay alert.

I've been wanting
to get behind
the wheel of this big boy.

(HORN HONKING)

(CARS HONKING)

Got it. Pass.

(HORNS HONKING)

Sorry, got to go 55.
Captain Jack's orders.

Hmm.

(DOOR BEEPING)

Would you like
some company, Greg?

Uh� Yeah, sure.

If you can't sleep.
Have a seat.

How about a cappuccino?

Oh. You don't
have to do that.

It's no problem for me.

Really? Okay.

Dina!

Wake up and make
Greg a cappuccino!

Shake a leg, woman!

Jesus, Jack, I'm not
that tired. Really.

Relax, Greg. This cockpit's
completely soundproofed.

You should've seen
the look on your face.

(CHUCKLING)

You got me.
That was a good one.

Yes, it was.

GREG: Mmm-hmm.

It's funny.

But you should never talk
to a woman like that, Greg.

It's disrespectful.

Right, of course.

A man reaches a certain age
when he realizes
what's truly important.

You know what that is?

Love?

Friendship?

Enjoying the moment.
Living. Just love.

His legacy.

That, too. Right.

My grandson, Little Jack,
is part of that legacy.

In six months,
you and Pam
will be married.

Sometime after that,
you'll want to start
a family of your own.

On the subject,
I had some thoughts
about the wedding date.

We'll discuss that
later, Greg.

Now, let's get
back on point.

Let me put it
very simply.

If your family circle
does indeed join
my family circle

they'll form a chain.

I can't have a chink
in my chain.

Hmm.

Okay, I get the metaphor.

I've never
met your parents,

so I'm not going to jump
to any hasty conclusions.

But, like studying
a frozen caveman,

if I can see where
you came from

I'll have a much better idea
of where you're going.

Are you thinking
maybe my parents might be

like a chink in the chain?

A doctor and a lawyer,
what's there to worry about?

Mmm-hmm.

(BIRDS CAWING)

DINA: Ooh.
It seems very nice.

(KARATE CRIES)

Is that your father?

(KARATE CRIES)

That is my father.

BERNIE: What the heck
is that contraption?

I thought you guys
were flying in.

I left a message yesterday�

Oh, I didn't get a message.

I left you
like five messages.

Get over here
and plant one on me.
Talking about messages.

I've been waiting so long
to see you. My best buddy.

Good to see you.

Come here.
I missed you.

Is this not the most
handsome young man
you've ever seen in your life?

I used to call him a young
Jewish Marlon Brando.

Huh?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Can you believe
I conceived him
with one testicle?

No, really. It's true.

I only have one
because the other
never dropped.

It's called
an undescending testicle.

It's not uncommon,
but look at him.

Imagine what
he'd have looked like
if I'd had two.

(GREG CHUCKLING)

That's a good icebreaker.

Whoa!
Ho!

There's the sexiest
second grade teacher
I've ever seen in my life.

(SPUTTERING)

That was a good one.

It gets her every time.

Goose bumps.
She loves it.

I'm Dina Byrnes.
It's so nice to meet you.

The pleasure is
all mine, mon cheri.

(EXCLAIMING)

You got to be
the flower man.

Right. Jack Byrnes,
Pain's father.

I'm Bernard Focker,
Gaylord's father,

and we're all grownups here
and we shake hands like men.

(ALL LAUGHING)

We're just playing here.
Give me some love.

We're family now.

What're you so shy about?
Come here.

Oh, wow.

Look at those pecs.
You're harder than sheetrock.

Tell me the truth.
You work out
with weights, right?

I do various calisthenics.

Some medicine-ball training,
I play bimonthly football.

Oh! Football?
I was just practicing
my Capoeira.

Capoeira,
the Brazilian martial art
of dance fighting.

He knows what that is.

I've been doing it for weeks.

I'm really into it.
It keeps me level.

Because sometimes
I get wound up so tight
I could just snap.

You know what I mean?

(LITTLE JACK WAILING)

What is that?
Is there a baby
on board?

That's a baby.

It was all
in the message.

(MOSES BARKING)

Moses, go ahead,
say hello to
your future in-laws.

Oh, no, he's harmless.

And fixed.

That's all right.

BERNIE: Just shake him off.

Don't shake.
He likes the shaking.

Moses, get off!

The pink part
didn't get on you.

GREG: Moses,
get in your basket.

BERNIE: He's all talk.

Who's this little guy?

This is our grandson,
Little Jack.

Oh! Little baby.

(BABBLING)

How are you, Little Jack?

Dad, don't infantilize him.
Talk to him like a person.

What are you talking about?

He's a baby.
I want to talk to him
like he's a baby.

(WAILING)

BERNIE: He likes me.

When Roz's dad died,
I said,

"We're freezing
our tushies off
here in Detroit.

"Let's head south and get some
year-round fun in the sun. "

This house is over
a hundred years old, so�

Dad, you continue the tour.
I'll tell Mom we're here.

The upstairs bathroom
is on el fritzo.
We have to share this one.

And since water's scarce
on the island,
we abide by the,

"if it's yellow
let it mellow,

"if it's brown
flush it down" policy.

Oops. Forgot my own rule.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

The RV has paid
for itself already.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, kids.

Forward and backward.

Rotate those hips.

Let's get your
kundalini rising.

Now it's time
for the ladies

to get into the reverse
cowgirl position.

Guys, you have to lie across
the Liberator pad like so.

Everyone look at
how Ira's doing it.

(EXCLAIMS)

The man is loose, he's limber
and he's ready for action.

So, climb aboard, girls,
and let me hear
your bodies talk.

Whoa!

This position is terrific
for anyone with osteoporosis,
gout or goiter.

Stay with me, kids.
We're almost done.

Ah! Honey!

Oh! All right, guys.
We have to wrap it up.
Everyone.

Remember to take
your Liberator pads.

And don't forget to stretch
before you try this at home.

We don't want anyone
shattering a pelvis.

Hello, my precious.
I love you so much.

I haven't seen
my bubeleh in months.

Honey, you feel thin.
You're not eating.
What's wrong?

How do we explain
all these people
to the Byrneses?

They're leaving. The Byrneses
won't know they were here.

We agreed to be discreet
about you being
a sex therapist

until you got to know
Jack and Dina better.

Don't worry. I'll be discreet.
I put all my toys away.

My office is all ready
for them to sleep in.

No, we're putting
them upstairs.

Your father thought they'd be
more comfortable down here.

The upstairs plumbing�
Talk to me about
something important.

How are things
with you and Pam?

They're great.

Because after two years,
you have to work
to keep things going.

Does she still
climax regularly?

Mom.

You can't talk that way
this weekend.

I'm just saying
I didn't raise you
to be a so-so lover.

I know. Okay,
what is he doing?

What? Don't
worry about them.

Mom, you got to
get these people
out of here now.

Wipe that little
gloss off you.
Okay.

You hunt deer, Bernard?

What? No, I hate that thing.

Roz's father gave it to us.
He was into all that
macho-wacho crap.

So is Greg. He and I went
duck-hunting together.

Duck-hunting?
Me and you?

Duck-hunting?
Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Gay, you went
duck-hunting with Jack?

Yes, we went
on a little hunting trip.

You shot a duck?

I shot at a duck and�

You killed an innocent
creature of the sky?

I don't� I think
I might've clipped it or�

Never really checked.

Oh, Lord.

And now, for the
piece de resistance.

My goodness.

Something I've
been working on.

Oh, I see. Oh.

Mom will be in soon.
What's that?

It's you.

It's the Wall of Gaylord.

The Wall of Gaylord?

Isn't it nice
to finally display
your accomplishments, Son?

Honey, look
at all your awards.
That's great.

He's my champion.

I didn't know they made
ninth place ribbons.

Jack, they got them
all the way up to 10th place.

Anybody want a drink
by the lagoon?

This one looks impressive.

"Mazel tov, Gaylord M. Focker.
World's Greatest Nurse. "

(CHUCKLING)
Very nice.

We've always tried
to instill a sense of self

in Gaylord without being
too goal-oriented.

It's not about
winning or losing,
it's about passion.

We want him to love
what he's doing.

You know
what I mean, Jack?

JACK: Not really, Bernard.

I think a competitive drive
is the essential key
that makes America

the only remaining
superpower
in the world today.

Well, whatever works.
Mmm-hmm.

ROZ: Don't forget
the positions.

Bye, Dr. Roz.
You're a lifesaver.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Ira, remember,
easy on the thrusting.
You're not 78 anymore.

What kind of work does
your mother do with
those patients, Greg?

Those look like yoga mats.
Is there yoga involved?

It's yogaesque.

It's sort of
a couples therapy.

Kind of mind-body�
It's kind of her own
sort of�

Rozela! Sweetheart,
living room!

Hello! Hello!

Hello, how are you,
baby girl?

Good, Roz.

Look at you,
you're glowing!

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Roz Focker.

You must be Jack,
and you must be Dina.

Hi.

I can't believe
it's taken us
this long to meet.

Who's this
little hairball?

BERNIE: They brought
their grandson along.

He's adorable.
I could eat him up.

Bern, did you show them
where they're sleeping?

Right, because we don't
have any air-conditioning

I made up a nice spot
for you in Roz's office.

It gets the best breeze,
and it's near
the communal commode.

Oh. We're gonna stay
in our motor home.

In the trailer?

Come on, Jack. You're family.
We sleep under the same roof.

Mom's office
is kind of cluttered.
So, that works all right.

It's really easier
with Little Jack.
Really. We insist.

They wanna sleep
in the trailer, let them
sleep in the trailer.

Mom, it's not a trailer.
It's like a hotel on wheels.

This is practically a hotel.
I was gonna do
the turndown service�

I know, but
it's their choice.

Wherever you feel
most comfortable is fine.

BERNIE: It's not right.
Bern, let it go.

Let it go? Fine.

Yeah, let it go.

Look at you, sulking.
I married a teenager.

At least you have
the libido of a teenager.

I gave her a little
matinee today�

Oh! Don't you dare!
Stop it!

(CHUCKLING)
How about a double feature?

(LAUGHING)

Lagoon? Why don't we
go show them the lagoon?

The lagoon.
Come see the lagoon.

The lagoon, Jack.
Come on.

We'll get drunk,
we'll take a piss
in the lagoon.

BERNIE:
Roz, why don't you
take them outside?

(GREG SIGHING)

Dad�

It's going good
so far, right?

Dad, you gotta take down
that weird shrine thing.

I'm very proud of you,
Gaylord. What's wrong
with showing it?

It's ridiculous.
Most people aren't proud
of sixth place ribbons.

Most people?
Since when do you care
about most people?

I don't, but Jack
is really into winning,

and competition and sports.
It's a whole other thing
with him.

You're a winner up here
and in here.
That's all that matters.

Okay. Thank you.
I don't know what that means,
but thank you.

So, to solve that problem,
I created a life-like

latex left breast
molded from his mother's
actual left breast,

so this way LJ would avoid
any nipple confusion.

You're avoiding confusion
by strapping a boob on a man?

Believe it or not,
it is less confusing
because of the texture�

Mom.
� of the breast itself.

Uh, I guess
it's very creative.

(BERNIE HUMMING)

A little birdie told me
that one of our guests here

is a Tom Collins man.

(ALL LAUGHING)

For pity's sake.
Isn't that nice, Jack?

That is nice. Thank you.

Don't drink.
I want to make a toast.

Now, I had
a vasectomy in 1974�

73, honey.
You're right. 73.

Unfortunately, I never
had the chance to
procreate a daughter,

but had I been able to,
I really would've wanted
a girl

as sensitive
and as intelligent
and as beautiful

as this young lady
sitting right here
before us.

Thank you, Bernie.

And if I might add�

I thought you had a sister?

Nope.

You said you had a sister.
You said you milked
your sister's cat.

BERNIE:
Okay, I'm not done yet.
What I'm trying to say is,

it's taken far too long
to do this,

but we're finally
all together.

ROZ: That's nice, honey.

Oh. Thank you.

All right, that's enough.
L'chaim, everyone.

(ALL TOASTING)

L'ha-ha.

Like you have popcorn
stuck in the throat.

Okay. To family.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh! I forgot.
I want to say one more
thing about my vasectomy.

ROZ: Sit down.

Honey, get
yourself over here.

I went overboard?
A little bit.

You're so cute,
they'll forgive you anything.

BERNIE:
You're so beautiful.

(WHISPERING)
You are the sexiest
woman alive.

Mmm. You're trying
to get me into bed.

BERNIE: Or the hammock.

(CLEARING THROAT) This is
a delicious Tom Collins.

I use real lemon juice.

From our trees.
That's the secret.

He was squeezing
all afternoon.

And, Jack, I managed
to make some lemon juice, too.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GASPING)

BERNIE: Gay,
you all right?

Honey, you okay?
Are you sure?

(FROGS CROAKING)

I think that
Roz and Bernie seem like

very nice people.

Oh! Very nice people.

A little off-color,
but very nice.

Oh! Isn't it
wonderful, Jack?

After all this buildup,
the kids are finally
getting married.

I feel so happy.

Wait. I think
he just spoke.

Little Jack,
were you about to speak?

(FARTS)

Nope, just
a little flatulence.

What were you
saying, honey?

Nothing, dear.

Guys, where are you going?

We're checking out
Jack's macho-wacho trailer.

I want to see that boob.

Can I talk to you
for a sec?

Yeah.

Don't let Moses go in there.
They have a cat.

Moses is perfectly trained�

He humps everything
that moves.

Honey, he's like his father.

I never cheated on you.

They're not listening to me.

What's up?

They seem to be
getting along well.

They do. I kind of feel bad
that I worried so much.

What's going on?

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?
Mmm-hmm.

I'm two weeks late.
I'm nauseous, my boobs hurt,
I can smell everything.

You're gonna have a baby.

A baby.

We're gonna have
a little baby.

I'm pregnant.

(STUTTERING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh. Shit!

You realize your father
is going to kill me?

No, he's not gonna find out
because we're not going
to tell him.

No. He's a human
lie detector.

He lives to sniff
out this stuff.

We'll get through
this weekend,
and tomorrow.

We'll tell them on Sunday
before we go.
We'll tell them all.

I just hate the idea
of keeping secrets
from your dad.

It's just one little secret.

Oh! Hi, neighbors.

Hello.

The Fockers, honey.

Fancy-shmancy.

Welcome to the chateau.

No wonder they don't want
to sleep in our shit box.
Look at this place.

(MOSES BARKING)

I don't think the dog
is such a good idea.

Don't worry.
Moses is more of a lover
than a fighter.

Jesus!
Moses!

He's always dreamt of me
having a white wedding.

You don't know
how upset he'll be.

No, I do know.

BERNIE: Moses!
JACK: Jinxy!

GREG: I told you
to keep him out of the RV.

He said he wanted
to see the RV.

JACK: Get that goddamn
dog out of here!

(MOSES WHIMPERING)

Jinx, don't do it.

ALL: No.

Jesus! Moses!

Hold on.

Hold on.
I'm gonna save you!

The cat can flush?

(LITTLE JACK WAILING)

Get out of the way!

What the hell
are you doing?

I got to get my dog!

Forget your dog.
What about my toilet?

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

(SOBBING)

(SCREAMING)

(WAILING CONTINUES)

BERNIE: He's alive!

He's fine.

So much for the protection
of our rolling safe house.

Oh. Honey,
he was trying
to save his pet.

What if it was Jinxy
who got flushed
into a toilet?

Mr. Jinx has had
extensive aquatic training.

He would have known
exactly what to do
in the event of a submersion.

(PURRING)

(GROWLING)

(CLEARING THROAT)
Twenty-minute warning
for dinner.

Sorry about
the trailer, Jack.

(WHISPERING) Muskrat.

It's okay, Bernard.

We're not telling him
this weekend.

That's what
I was saying.

What do you wanna do?

I never thought
it'd be an issue.

I thought we'd be married
before we got pregnant.

Why don't we move
the wedding up
to next month?

We'll tell your dad
you got pregnant
on the honeymoon.

My God, that could work.

It's perfect.

Just follow my lead.

Okay.

(HUMMING)

Without further ado,
my famous Focker Fondue.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Come on, dig in,
get it while it's hot.

That is so impressive, Bernie.
Did you do that yourself?

Sure, I love to cook.

I can't even fry an egg.
BERNIE: True.

I burn cornflakes.

I'm amazed he finds
the time to cook

with a high-powered
legal career.

High-powered?
I wouldn't exactly call�
Uh-oh!

Why did you kick me?

I kicked you 'cause you're
being modest and you should

tell people that you are
a good lawyer, which he is,

and he has fought some
really big, important
legal battles.

Truth is, when Gay was born,
I stopped practicing

and became
a stay-at-home dad.

Believe me, he won
a trial or two in his day.

Extremely good
trial lawyer.

A regular Clarence Darrow.

So Roz was the primary
breadwinner and
you didn't have a job?

PAM: Dad.
Honey,

come on, you could say
he had the hardest job.

He's just kidding.

Yes.

GREG: Why don't we jump
into the topic of the hour,

the big
Focker-Byrnes wedding.

DINA: Okay.

I know we've been talking
about a fall wedding�

(BERNIE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(WOMAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Is that Isabel?

Our former
housekeeper, Isabel.

She has her own
catering business now,

and I asked her to help
Bernie in the kitchen
this weekend.

You didn't tell me.

Gay had a monster
crush on her
when he was a teenager.

I didn't have
any monster crush.

You didn't tell me
about that.

Because it's not true.

Then I didn't catch you
doing baziga to her photo
when you were 13?

ROZ: Honey, stop.

BERNIE: I walk in the door�

There's my baby!

(LAUGHS)

Good to see you.

I haven't seen you
in years.

I know.

Wow! Look at you.

I know.

I had a boob job.

(COOING)

Yeah.

This is Dina
and Jack Byrnes.

Mucho gusto.

Hi, Isabel.
Mucho gusto.

And this is Pam Byrnes,
my fiancee.

Encantada.

Nice to meet you, too.

Not yet married,
and already a little one?

He is a handsome
little Focker.

(LAUGHS)

He's not a Focker.

GREG: He's not mine.

And still you stayed
to raise her child?
Good for you.

He's Pam's nephew.
He has no connection
to Greg whatsoever.

(BABBLING)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(BABBLING)

I love you, too.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Little Jack, no.
Those aren't for you.

(MOOING)

(BABBLING)

I think
I'll take him inside.

JACK: Good idea.

You're a very
lucky woman, Pam.

He's very special,
this one.

(LAUGHING)

I think so, too.

Oh, I could tell you
some stories about him.

Really?

Oh. She's just being silly.

Nice to meet you all.

Nice to meet you.

So sweet.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you guys want
some more wine?

Mas vino por la mama, si.

You did good, Greg.
She's very pretty,
this one.

Yeah, she's really great.

Can you believe
it's been 15 years?

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

So many wonderful memories
from those days.

Lot of wonderful,
kind of private

memories.

You never told her
about us?

Um� I don't think I did.

I don't think it ever
came up on my end.

Not that I didn't
want her to know.
Not that it wasn't great.

It was really,
you know, for me�
And you were so

helpful and�

Don't you worry, baby.
Your secret's safe with me.

There's no secrets.
But, yeah, maybe if
we keep it quiet this weekend.

I don't want Pam
to feel uncomfortable.

Later, when it's
the proper setting, I can�

Okay, yeah,
okay, good.

Oh! Fondue is going over.

You're just in time
to hear me tell the gang

how you lost your
virginity to Isabel.

(DOOR CLOSING)

He was 19.
A late bloomer.

You slept with Isabel?

We were relieved.

Why would you
bring that up?

What's the problem?
It was 15 years ago.

Your father thought
it'd be fun to share stories

about our first time.

Really?
That sounds like fun.

Tell us how you
popped your cherry.

I don't feel comfortable
discussing that with you,
Bernard.

I suggest that we get back
to talking about the wedding.

Thank you.

(LITTLE JACK WAILING)

Didn't you take Little Jack
back to the room?

JACK: I'm monitoring him

from a high-powered
multidirectional
microphone in his crib.

Oh! Baby monitors.
Hidden cameras.

Whatever happened
to a little thing
called privacy?

Bernie, surveillance
technology has helped protect
a lot of the freedoms

that we as Americans
take advantage of today.

He's right.
It has been good.

Son, that is bullcrap
in a chef's salad.

You tell me one smart thing
the CLIA has done,

and I'll give you
the deed to her house.

The CLIA?

The Central Lack
of Intelligence Agency.

(BERNIE AND ROZ LAUGHING)

(LITTLE JACK WAILING)

I think that baby might
need a couple of pulls

on that knocker
of yours, Jack.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

No, it's okay.
We're Ferberizing him.

You're what?
The Ferber method.

You let him cry it out,
so he doesn't depend
on coddling.

On the other hand,
the Continuum Concept shows

that a baby benefits
more from constant
physical contact.

Oh.

We use the Ferber Method.

We used the Focker Method.

We hugged and kissed
that little prince like
there was no tomorrow.

We Fockerized him.

That's right.
Greggy practically slept in
our bed till he was 10.

I don't think
it was quite that long.

Yes, it was.
No, it wasn't 10.

Nine-and-a-half,
at least.

I don't think so.
I didn't sleep in their bed
all that time.

ROZ: Bernie,
get the photo album.

I'm one step ahead of you.

We are eating dinner,
come on.

Those are the curls
from his first trip
to the barbershop.

Nobody wants to see this.

You kept all of
his baby teeth.

Look at his
darling little teeth,
isn't that sweet?

DINA: Uh-oh.

Somebody looks
very grumpy there.

That's Gay with the mohel.

Mohel?

ROZ: He's the man who snips
the baby's little winkydink.

See, that's Greg
getting circumcised.

BERNIE: We had the ceremony
at my parents' house

but there was a cold snap.

The heater conked out.
Mom.

No matter how hard he tried,
the mohel couldn't coax

Greg's tiny little turtle
from its shell.

Let's not talk about
the tiny turtle.
This is dinner.

Half the people
at this table
have penises.

Mom, control yourself.

Roz, you're embarrassing him.

I'm sorry.

Make a long story short,
he wound up with a semicirc.

(GIGGLING)

What's a semicirc?

I can't wait to hear this.

A cross between
an ant eater and�

A German Army helmet.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You wanted to talk
about the wedding, right?

Don't tell me you kept
his umbilical cord.

Of course not,
that's Greg's foreskin.

That's enough humiliation.

Honey, stop.
We're having fun.

I'm not having fun.

Why deny us our memories?

Because we're done!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SIZZLING)

Anyone in the mood
for Chinese?

You told me your first time
was with the Danish
transfer student.

You weren't exactly
forthcoming about
your engagement with Kevin.

He wasn't my babysitter.

I should have told you.
Can we just let it go,
please?

We both got enough stuff
to deal with this weekend.

Oh. Hi, Jack.

Hello, Greg.

(SIGHS) Funny dinner, huh?

How do you mean?

I know you are
studying my family
like the frozen caveman.

I don't want you
to be worried.

They're a little
quirky, but,

they're well-intentioned
and I think
they're just nervous�

Greg, I am sure tomorrow
will be a better day.

BERNIE: I'm sorry, ma'am.
I thought you ordered
room service.

Are you sure you don't
want any whipped cream
with your sundae?

ROZ: (SCREAMING)
Bern, stop it!

Who's Bern?
I'm Chad, the bellhop.

We did that last week.
Can't you be Sam
the carpet-cleaning man?

It's illogical.
Why would a carpet cleaner
have whipped cream?

Improvise, honey.

Good evening, miss.
I'm here
to clean your carpet.

(BERNIE AND ROZ LAUGHING)

Do you mind if I put
some foam down on your rug?

I don't mind at all.

Good night, Greg.
Sleep well, Jack.

How long have you worked
in this hotel?

Time to put some snow
on your mountains.

I'm gonna get
some whipped cream
on those Tetons.

(BERNIE AND ROZ LAUGHING)

Guys!

Come back in the morning,
tootsie roll.

You see the cowboy hat
on the door?

Cowboy hat
is off the door!

No cowboy hat this weekend!
I'm coming in!

Stop doing
what you're doing!

Oh!

You know what
that cowboy hat
on the door means.

Will you help me out here?

We're just being ourselves.

Mom, please�

I think he's saying
not to be ourselves.

Be yourselves,

but in a way
that's a little less than
being your full selves.

I don't understand this.
Why are you so afraid
of this Jack?

You've been kissing his ass
ever since you got here.

I'm not afraid of him.

It is true.

BERNIE:
I can't believe you went
duck-hunting with him.

Our people
don't shoot ducks.

Just make Jack
feel a little more
comfortable here.

So you don't want us
to be ourselves?

I want you to not break
his RV, reveal that
I had sex with Isabel,

and play weird sex games
that everybody can hear.
Mom, please.

If you ask me, it wouldn't
be so bad if your future
in-laws heard this.

Just don't therapize
the Byrneses
this weekend at all.

All I'm saying is,
a few minutes of
concentrated work

with him and Dina,
she could get him
to blow like Krakatoa.

Right, okay,
you know what?

Just give me one day
without any complications.

We get through it, we go off,
go on with our lives.
Can we do that?

All right.
You got it.

Thank you, okay.

Hon, put the hat back
on the door, okay?

No cowboy hat
this weekend.

BERNIE: Okay, but tonight
doesn't count.

(BERNIE HOOTING)

All aboard.

(BERNIE LAUGHING)

Morning, partner.

Morning.

Sleep okay?

I slept all right,
thank you.

It's nice, all of us
being here together,
don't you think?

Bernard, do you mind
if I have some privacy?

Almost done.

Bernie, this fritatta
is wonderful.
What's in it?

A lot of the taste comes
from this old skillet.
I've never washed it.

Guys, can I have
everybody's attention,
please?

Gay, be back in a second.

Okay, Dad. All right.

I know we've been
talking about having
the wedding in October,

but Pam and I have
been thinking and
playing around with ideas,

we're thinking
of moving it up to June.

Nice.
This June?

Yeah.
Yeah.

That's in a month.

I always wanted
a spring wedding.

Great, we can announce it
at the party tonight.

Good idea.
What party?

Jack!

Let's play football!

Your father and I
are throwing a little
engagement soiree

for you two lovebirds.

Look at that.

PAM: That's so sweet.
Thank you, guys.

I thought we were having
a nice quiet dinner.

It was supposed
to be a surprise.

The phone keeps ringing,
the list keeps growing.

It's up to 50 Fockers.

When were you going
to tell us about this?

Fifty Fockers.
What could be better?

What are you doing?
We never play football.

I'm trying to
cement relationships.

Jack said he was
into footy ball.

Let's show El Stiffo
how we play the game.

Footy ball?

Come on, let's play!

I'm feeling a little tired.
I think I'll sit it out
with Little Jack.

You want me to
keep you company?

No, Dina, you and I will
take on Jack and Roz.

It'll be fun,
we'll swap wives.

Don't worry, you'll get
her back after the game.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Fine, we'll play
three on two.

Someone needs
to be quarterback.

Gay goes both ways.

Oh, I'll bet he does.

(COOING)

(SHOUTING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

I'll run a down-and-in,
draw in the defense,

then you'll hit Roz
in the end zone for a TD.

He hits me
where with a what?

I'll throw you the ball,
you try to catch it.

You want me to catch?
Yeah.

On two. Ready?
Yes.

Hut one, hut two, hike!

(SCREAMS)

This way!

(ROZ SCREAMS)

You remember that
time in the park?

Guys, come on,
cut it out.

I caught the ball!

Come on, huddle up.

No, I'm bored. Here!

Dina, come on, let's go.
You want a spritzer?

What? Oh, a spritzer.
That sounds yummy.

You got to focus,
all right?

He's beating you
every time.

You want me to be
macho-wacho?

Have I ever said
the words macho-wacho
to you in my life?

I got it.
I won't disappoint.

Let's try again,
I'm gonna run
a stop and go.

Fake the short pass,
then hit me in the end zone
with a Hail Mary.

We keep running that play.
You want to mix it
up a little?

No. I've exposed
Bernie's weakness and I want
to take advantage of it.

Exposed his weakness.
Okay. On four?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Just you and me, Jack.
Mano a mano.

You think you can
take me, Flowerman?

I'm pretty sure I can,
Mr. Mom.

You're going down,
Bernsie-boy.

I'm going to rearrange
your bouquet.

Sell the pump fake, Greg,
'cause that Focker's
gonna bite.

(INAUDIBLE)

Hut one, hut two,
hut three, hut four. Hike!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

PAM: My god!
Are you all right?

(SCREAMING)

Shit!

(CHANTING)

Jack, you okay?

I'm fine, Greg, thank you.

I see that kind of injury
all the time at the hospital.

I wish you'd let me
give you a quick exam.

No, I'm fine.
I'll have my doctor look
at it when I get home.

Okay.

It's amazing how your father
anticipated the pump fake
like that.

It's almost like
he knew it was coming.

Hmm.

He definitely takes
competition seriously.

How a man handles himself
on the football field

says a lot about
his character.

Know what I mean?

Okay.

We got him,
didn't we, dude?
Was he impressed?

No, he wasn't.
That was a really hard shot.
You could've hurt him.

I just wanted it
to be a fun game
but you wanted to win, so,

you got me
all steamed up.

I asked you to play
some defense, not to turn
it into a blood sport.

I play too easy.
I play too hard.

What are you really
asking me to do?

I'm not asking
anything of you.

Just go down and
apologize, okay?

He thinks it was
a cheap shot.

Sure. Whatever you say.

I can't win
with this kid.

Honey�

Hi, baby.
Hi.

So, how far along is Pam?

What?

Come on, I knew it
the minute I saw her.

Her boobs are bigger.
She's hormonal.

No wine at dinner,
no football.

She just found out
yesterday.

(SCREAMS)

My bubeleh's going
to have a baby!

My bubeleh's going
to be a father!
Oh, my God.

Talk to me,
this is so exciting.

(SHUSHING)

You didn't tell Dad,
did you?

Not yet.
He's gonna plotz.

No, Mom, you can't.

Why not?

Because he can't
keep a secret.

You think Jack knows?

That guy's
in such denial,

he still thinks
Pain's a virgin.

He's old-fashioned.
That's why we can't tell
until after the wedding.

That's ridiculous.
It isn't, believe me.

You don't know him
like I do.

My lips are sealed.
I am so excited
and thrilled for you.

(LAUGHING)

So happy for you two!

Did you plan this?

No, it just sort of happened.

How did it happen?

How?

It just happened.
You know how.

I'm not going
into the details.

Honey, I love details.

Sorry.
All right.

Honey, many unplanned
pregnancies happen

because the man is
such a sexual dynamo,

and the woman craves
his sperm on an unconscious
but very powerful level.

Mmm-hmm.

I am truly not comfortable
having this conversation
with you.

No?
No.

I've been saying it
since I was 11.

All right.

Love you.
Love you, too.

Jack!

What say you and me
go into town?

I got a guy who
can fix your RV.

I'm in far too much
physical agony, Bernie.

I'm sorry,
but it'll be good
for you

to get out and about.

Perfect. I can take the girls
shopping in Coconut Grove.

Little Jack
is on a very specific
napping schedule.

I better stay here.

No, go.
Greg can watch him.

He has wonderful
parental instincts.

Dad, Greg deals
with little kids in the ER
all the time.

They don't call me
Barry Poppins for nothing.

(ALL LAUGHING)

ROZ: That's so cute.

Why would someone
call you Barry Poppins?

They wouldn't.

Now, remember, Greg,
we're Ferberizing him.

Unless it's an emergency,
under no circumstances
will you hold him

or coddle him in any way
when he cries.

Mmm-hmm. Okay.

He's learning to
self-soothe,

that means no television,
no unapproved toys,

and no monkey business
of any kind. Is that clear?

Mmm-hmm.
No monkey business.

Shall we get a move on,
pal-o-mino?

JACK: I'm ready.

I love this, Roz.
This is a great find.

Good, and it's loose,
so you can wear it
even if you gain weight.

Isn't that lovely?

Honey, are you all right?
You look a little flushed.

It's just the heat.
It takes some
getting used to.

I'm going to try this on.
Thank you, Roz.

Madame, let's find
something sexy
for the momma to wear.

Look at this little number.
Whoa!

I think this will get
Jack's blood flowing.

Jack would have a coronary.

I thought so.

Oh, Dina, talk to me.

What's really going on
with that man?
He seems very uptight.

He's always been
a little wound up.
His job was very stressful.

Being a florist
is stressful?

There's more to it
than people think.

If you don't mind me asking,
how is your sex life?

(LAUGHS)

I can't tell you that.

What's the big deal?
I'm a professional.

I'm a sex therapist,
specializing in
senior sexuality.

I knew those
weren't yoga mats.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

We're not 25 anymore.

But you're
not dead, either.

Lots of couples our age
lack intimacy
in their marriages.

I didn't say that.
There are special occasions.
Anniversaries�

Well, on our anniversary.

Nicht gut.

I beg your pardon.
Not good.

I think I can help
you and Jack reconnect.

How?

Well, it all starts
with a little bit of,

how shall I say,
intimate contact.

Mmm-hmm.

That tingles.

Every pleasure in the body
can be stimulated
through the ears.

(MOANING)

I'd give it a shot
with Jack tonight.

What's going on
over here?

Nothing, just having
some girl talk.

Roz.

(LITTLE JACK WAILING)

(SIGHS)

(LITTLE JACK
CONTINUES WAILING)

Here's the deal, LJ.

I'm going to give you
a few minutes of attention.

But you have to promise
that you don't tell
Grandpa anything.

All right. Good.

(COOING)

I don't know what that means,
but I'm going to trust you.

Okay.

A little huggie-wuggie
never hurt anybody.

(YELPING)

I know we aren't
supposed to watch TV

but we won't tell
Grandpa Jack, will we?

Look, it's Elmo.

Do you like fishes?

You don't like fishes?

(SIGHING)

(DOLL SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)

(PANTING)

I got an idea.

Let's see what pre-approved
genius toys Grandpa Jack has

in his big basket
of fun. Mmm?

Look, it's an abacus.

Abacuses aren't that
much fun, are they?

I don't know why
people think they're fun.

Look at this!
It's bolts on a plank.

Hmm? Fun bolts.
No, not very fun.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

A little birdie!

Look, he sings.

(SINGING) And if that
mockingbird don't sing

Then Greg is going to
buy you a diamond ring

And if that diamond
ring gets sold

Greg's gonna feel
like a big asshole

Asshole.

No, you don't want
to say that word.
That's a bad word.

Asshole.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

I thought this was
a repair shop.

Oh. This is better.

That's Isabel's son, Jorge.
15 years old,
he can fix anything.

Bernie.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Yo! Georgie boy!

I think you got a tear
in the bilateral valve.

15, huh?

Genius.

(ISABEL SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Jorge, what
did I tell you?

No more tinkering
until you finish
your science homework.

Oh.

I was going to finish it

but Mr. Gerson is out
with rickets.

He said definitely don't do it
until his rickets are cured.

(STUTTERING)
I really�

Who knows if he's ever
telling the truth?

Bernie,

I made chimichangas.
You guys want?

Have you ever known me to
turn down a chimi? Jack�

You in the mood, amigo?

No, thanks.

Why are you looking at me
funny? I said I�

You just look like
somebody I know.

No. Tadpole.
Can you say tadpole?

Mad bull.

Asshole.

No, Jack's mole.
Jack has a big mole
on his face.

Is your father
the mechanic?

I don't know,
I never met him.

Never met your dad?
That's unfortunate.

But very interesting.

Mind if I take
a picture of you?

Just for fun.

Okay.

(CLICKING)

(SINGING) Mr. Moose
likes to say good words

He doesn't like you
to say bad words

Asshole.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hang on a second.

(SOBBING)

(LITTLE JACK WAILING)

Hello.

It's me. How's it going
with the little one?

Horribly. He's crying,
screaming, and cursing.

That poor kid is desperate
for human contact.

Honey, you need to
hold him, kiss him,
do whatever it takes.

I've been hugging him
in secret, feeding him
chocolates, too.

(TV PLAYING)

All animals have babies�

(CHUCKLING)

Say hello
to my little friend!

He's probably teething.

Put a dab of rum in his milk.
It'll ease the pain,
he'll go to sleep.

You want me to
give him a drink?

Less than a thimbleful.

You don't want
Jack coming home
to a screaming baby.

(GIGGLING)

Listen to your mother.
Goodbye. I love you.

All right, Mom.

Little Jack,
I got a surprise for you.

Little Jack?

Mr. Moose is
looking for you.

Shit! Where the hell
did he go?

LJ!

(JINX MEOWING)

Does that Jorge resemble
anyone you know?

No one I know.

Hmm.

There's something
you don't see every day.

(PANTING)

Focker!

I know this looks bad,
but I can explain it.

What? I said
no monkey business.

There was no
monkey business.

No monkey business?
You're wearing my breast,
LJ is drinking.

Moses is sodomizing Jinx
and you say there's
no monkey business?

What is going on here?

Hello! We're home!

Give me the bottle.

What's wrong?

His hands are stuck
to the bottle.

Thank you, Dad.

You bet they're stuck.

How did this happen?
Why are you wearing antlers?

It's very complicated.

It's just a little glue.
He's fine.

He's not.
If he could use his hands,
he'd tell you himself.

That's all right.

ROZ: Little Jack,
are you okay?

(GRUNTING)

Honey, I said a thimble,
not a bottle.

Oh, Greg.

Hey.

(WHISPERING)
How's the little guy doing?

(WHISPERING) Everything
is just as good as new.

ROZ: Is he all right?
He's asleep.

I don't care
if they did call you
Larry Poppins.

You are unfit
to handle a child.

It was Barry Poppins.

What kind of sick cocktail
were you making my grandson?

The baby's teething.
I told Greg to give him
some rum to ease the pain.

It was your idea?
Yes.

What is wrong
with you people?

I used to rub bourbon
on Denny's gums.

Look what happened to him.

Greg, you couldn't follow
a simple set of instructions?

Jack, he was screaming.
I gave him a little attention.

He's learning to self-soothe.
These setbacks are disastrous.

The child is adorable,

but you're not raising
Little Buddha over here.

Mom.
What are you saying?

I'm saying I've seen
that kid eat 15 boogers
since he's been here,

and I've got news for you,
Jack, prodigies
don't eat their boogers.

Prodigies don't come
in 10th place
every time either.

(ALL CLAMORING)

I've never seen
people celebrate
mediocrity like you do.

Because we love our son?
We hug him? The truth is

you're so concerned
about that Little Jack,
but I think

it's the Little Jack in you
who's crying out for a hug.

The Little Jack in me?

Jack, you have issues.

I can't fathom why you
run around with a boob
strapped to your chest.

Were you ever breastfed?

Mom, stop.
Key question.

My guess is no.

Spare me the drugstore
psychology.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Everybody just stop, okay?

Jack, I am not going
to make any excuses. Yes�

LJ wouldn't stop crying
so I gave him some hugs
and let him watch TV.

I went to answer the phone
for a second, I came back in,

he came out of the playpen,
put on Scarface,

and glued his hands
to the rum bottle. Okay?

That's it.

Oh. That's it.

I feel much better now.

Please, Daddy. He made
an honest mistake.
Let it go.

He's fine, Greg.
He's asleep.

(LITTLE JACK MUMBLING)

He spoke.

Asshole.

What?

Did he say
what I am thinking?

I think he did.

Little Jack,
what did you just say?

Asshole.

His first word?

It just slipped
out of my mouth.

He has a mind
like a sponge.

That's enough.

I'm calling
a family conference.

Great idea.
Let's finally get your
problems out on the table.

I mean with my family.
Excuse us. I'd like to
talk to Pam and Dina.

Of course,
take your time.

Come on, honey.

I'm not so sure
this wedding
is such a good idea.

I don't like
what I'm seeing
from these Fockers.

What?

Has Greg mentioned
the name Jorge?

I don't know what
you're talking about.
No, why?

Because I think your fiance
may have a few skeletons
in his closet.

And skeletons don't like
living in closets.

Here we go again.
Dad, listen,

Greg has no skeletons.

Do you know that?

Yes, I know that.

I'm not a child.
This wedding will happen.

The sooner you accept that,
the better it will be
for all of us.

I can't talk to you.

Wait a second, sweetheart.

And I'm not so sure
Roz is a yoga instructor,
either.

Jack, you promised
that you'd behave yourself.

What you said
to those people
was really hurtful.

I think you should go
up and apologize.

I'm not going to
apologize to them.

Jack.

A little birdie told me
that somebody's
going to be a daddy.

Mom!

Sorry, look at that face.
How could I keep it a secret?

He's so excited
about being a grandpa.

BERNIE:
What should he call me?
How about Poppy?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You don't have to have
champagne, okay?

Why?
Jack's really angry.

I know he's mad,
but he's also
a little meshuggenah.

How often do we get
to be grandparents?
We're having a toast.

Fine, but this is a secret.

We can't tell Jack yet.

Why? We are honest people.

I can't stand this secrecy
anymore. Why?

(SHUSHING)

Why should we diminish
our joy just because
they live in denial?

(SHUSHING)

Seriously.

I promised Pam, okay?

She thinks
it'll break his heart
if he finds out.

I'm not gonna
take a drink.

ROZ: This is the 21st century!
Married or not, there's
no shame in fatherhood!

This is the fruit
of your loins.

BERNIE:
That is so beautiful.
Say that to him again.

This is the fruit
of your loins!

Let's toast and make
a sandwich, and Mom
wants to be the cheese.

(GASPS) Jack Byrnes,
what are you doing?

(GROANING)

What did you do?

You okay there, Jacko?

What happened?

(MOANING)

I was coming to apologize

and my back
went into spasm.

It's very tender from that
horrific football accident.

I feel it.

You're knotted like a pretzel.
You must be in a lot of pain.

I don't mind pain.
I learn from pain.

Pain-shmain.
My fingers are magic.

Come on, let me
work out the kinks.

Oh. That's
a lovely offer, Jack.

No, thanks.
I'll be fine.

My wife does
wonderful bodywork, Jack.

I don't think
he needs it.

(TRADITIONAL
INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, handsome,
shirt off.

I'd rather have it on,
thank you.

No dice.
It has to come off.

Lovely.

You know, most back pain
is psychological.

We carry our emotional baggage
right here in our muscles.

I've been
watching you, Jack.

Studying your body language.

You're a very sensual man.

But I'm not sure
you realize that.

What are you doing?

It's a technique
I learned in Hawaii.

It's a Lomi-Lomi massage,

named after the gentle waves
of the Polynesian Sea.

The waves go in,
and the waves go out.

The waves go in.

(JACK GRUNTS)

Whoops. Hit some driftwood.

Jack Byrnes,
you are a caged lion.

But lions can't be captives
their entire lives.

They have to be free
to roam the bush,
free and wild.

Your wife is a hot,
sexy tigress

and she's waiting for you
to pounce on her.

Let me hear you
roar, baby, roar.

(GROANING)

Your body is talking to me.
It's hungry for action.

I can feel it.
Unleash the beast
inside you.

Mom, stop it.
You're hurting him.

I am not.
I am helping him.

Just don't�

I don't think
you should move yet.

Jack, come back
for an afternoon session.

It'll do you good.
What're you doing?

We were so close.
I could feel it.
I was getting through to him.

The guy doesn't
like to be touched.

Because he has
the emotional hide
of a rhinoceros.

Don't break him down.
Just let him be.

I was trying to
do you a favor.

By riding him
like Seabiscuit.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

(WHIRRING)

(BEEPS)

Dial Foxtrot One.

(PHONE AUTODIALING)

FOXTROT ONE:
Alpha, Foxtrot One.

I need a full comparative
DNA analysis on
one Gaylord M. Focker,

and one Jorge Villalobos.
George, House of the wolves.

It might take a couple
of weeks, Santa.

No good, Foxtrot One,
I need a 12-hour turnaround.

I'll secure the evidence
and the handoff will be

at Harry Focker's
Good Time Supper Club

2100 hours tonight.

You got it, Santa.
Foxtrot One out.

(PHONE RINGS)

Yello?

Bernie, this is Jack Byrnes.

Where are you calling from?

I'm in my RV.
Would you have Greg
meet me here in three minutes?

You're in your trailer?
Thank you, goodbye.

But�

Gaylord!

Jack wants you to meet him
in his trailer in precisely
three minutes.

And I have to tell you,
El Stiffo was really
starting to freak me out.

Greg, wait, okay?

Listen, no matter
how hard he probes you,

promise me that
you will not break because
I'm not ready to tell him.

Hey, honey.
What?

Let him probe,

'cause he's probing
a brick wall.

ROZ: Now show me
how you would like
a romantic evening to go.

Oh, Jack,
wine and candles?

Gosh, it's not
even our anniversary.
Come here, hot stuff.

(MOANING)

Yes, yes. Oh, Jack.

Jack?

Down here,
under the bed.

(BED WHIRRING)

Down here, Greg.

Wow.

Have a seat.

Watch the panel.

This is incredible.

So this is like your
mobile command center

for all your
spy activities?

Mainly a secure space for me
to spend some alone time

and reflect
on my thoughts.

Mmm. Very cool.

Greg.
Yeah?

You'll recall, we had
a discussion earlier
regarding my feelings

about family, legacies,
children and so forth.

Yeah, of course I recall.

I'm going to just
ask you once.

Is there anything
you want to tell me

regarding things
that might have happened?

Unplanned things?

Things involving
the fruit of your loins?

No.

If he's not going to
admit it on his own�

(PHONE AUTODIALING)

JORGE: Hello?

Hello, Jorge?
It's Jack Byrnes,
remember me?

Oh! Sure. You came
to the house with Bernie.

You had that fancy
camera pen.

Yeah, that's right.

Listen, do you have
any plans tonight?

Uh� No.

I'd like to invite you
to a party.

(UPBEAT REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING)

Hey.
Sweetie.

Having a good time?
No, not really.

No?

Listen, sweetie,
did you tell your mother
I'm pregnant?

Because she keeps
touching my stomach
and smiling like that.

No, I didn't tell her.
She guessed.

She what?
And then she told my dad.

Oh, my God.

Bernie, stop.

It's not funny.

I told my mom.

What?

Yeah.
What? Why'd you�

Your dad will
definitely find out.

She knows my dad.

She'd never say a word.

No. But he's
very suspicious.

Greg. Hi.
Hey.

Hi. Honey, would you take
this to your mother?

It's a wine spritzer.
That's all she drinks now.

You boys have fun.

(SIGHS)

Nice party.

Isn't it?
Yeah, it is.

It's got a nice
festive vibe.

You met some of
the cousins?

I met some. I met�

Dom.
Hmm. Yeah, Dom Focker.

That's my dad's
first cousin.

Did you meet his kids,
Randy and Horny?

I've met Randy
and Horny. Yes.

Come on. I want to
introduce you
to somebody. Come on.

Oh. There he is.

Glad you could
make it, Jorge.

Oh. Hey, thanks
for the invite, Mr. B.

Greg, this is
Jorge Villalobos.

Hey.
Hey, how you doing?

Isabel's son.

Oh! I didn't realize
Isabel had a son.

When did she get married?

She's not married.

He's never
met his father.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I mean,
that's too bad.

Oh. No, it's cool.
My mom said my dad
wasn't mature enough

to deal with a kid,
anyway, so, yeah.

So how do you guys
know each other?

This young man
is quite the mechanic.

And he's only 15 years old.
Isn't that impressive?

Really? You're 15?
That is impressive.

He's a handsome kid.

Yeah.

Almost like a young,
half-Hispanic
Marlon Brando.

I'll leave you
two guys to talk.

You probably have
a lot in common.

Hmm.

So you're 15.

Come on, let's conga.

Did you order
the Tom Collins, sir?

Is it made with
fresh lemon juice?

They're Bermuda lemons.
And I squeezed them myself.

Stay safe, Santa.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

It's romantic out here,
don't you think?

The moon, the sea,
isn't it nice?

Hmm. Yeah, it's nice.

You look very
handsome tonight.

Oh. Thank you, honey.

What are you doing
to my ears?

Nothing.

(MAN SHOUTING)

I have to go
to the bathroom,
I'll be right back.

Okay.

(CONGA DRUMS BEATING)

Hello, Greg.

Hi, Jack.

Did you have
a nice conversation
with your son?

Jack, I've never even
met that kid before.

Focker, you've been
covering this up
from the very beginning.

No, I haven't.
It's just another one of
your crazy theories.

Greg.

You're still in
the circle of trust,

so I'm giving you
one more chance.

Are you ready to admit
that you've been hiding
this from Pam?

No, I haven't.

You're not hiding anything?

No, all right?

(SIGHS) Oh, Greg.

What are you holding?
What's in your hand?

Nothing.

I can see it
in the mirror.
What is it?

You got something
in your hand.

Don't worry about it, Greg.

Is that a needle?

Yes, it is.

You seem tense.
I was going to offer
you a sedative.

You're joking, right?

No, I'm not.

Is that tartar sauce
on your shoulder?

Tartar sauce?

(YELLS)

Why?

You've been injected
with a highly
concentrated dose

of sodium pentothal.

Street name: Truth serum.

You won't recall this
in a few minutes

and tonight,
for the first time,
my young friend,

you are going to be honest.

Keep the pressure on it.

Get down, Little Jack.
Get funky.

Oh.

Hey there, preggers.
Quiet.

How're you doing?

Fine, where've you been?

I went to the bathroom to pee
and now I'm talking to you,

my fiancee,
who I've delayed marrying
for two years,

because I didn't want
our parents to meet.

(COOING)

What?
What?

What?

You don't like me?
It's okay. I don't like
your little red outfit.

Makes you look
like a little demon-baby.

Maybe I'll get you
a little pitchfork
for Christmas

so we can put you
on a can of Underwood ham.

I'm sorry
I can't make little
"poop" sounds,

and I can't make little things
that tell people
when I wanna do things.

And guess what?
I can make a sign
to you, too.

How's that for a sign?

(ALL CLAPPING)

Look, Bernie's gone up
on the stage. Come.

Now, to say a few words,

one of the great
registered nurses

of all time,
Gaylord Myron Focker.

Come on,
let's give it up to Gay.
Give it up to him.

(MAN HOOTING)

Bernie Focker!

I love the shirt, Dad.

Thank you. All right.

It's great to be here
with all of you,

as I am about to set sail

in my ship of life,
with my first mate,

the beautiful young
blonde lass over there.
Hey, baby.

I love you, honey.

I still masturbate to Pam.

(ALL GASPING)

Greg.

What? It's true.

Honey, what?
Come on, you're hot.
Look at her.

Look at those boobs. Man!

I just wanna lather them up
with soap and just�

I love it.

Man, I just wanna
nestle in there

and take a little
vacation there.

Honey.

Honey, what? I'm sorry.

Okay, excuse me
for you being perfect.

Hey, you know
who else is great?
That woman over there.

My future mother-in-law,
Dina Byrnes.

(SINGING)

They say if you wanna know
what a woman will look like

when she gets older,
you should look at her mother.

Well, I'm looking
and I'm liking.

(WHOOPING)
Look at her!
Sweetness!

(ALL MUMBLING)

Hmm-mmm.

Good genes,
the Byrnes gene pool.

Hey, you.

Yeah, you.

Hold on.

Pam, I gotta tell you
something about this
little dude right here.

In my first
really passionate
sexual awakening,

I did, in fact,
lose my virginity

to our beautiful
housekeeper, Isabel.

That was in the past.
So why don't
you come sit down?

No, honey,
'cause I have to get this
off my chest, really.

Sit.

We conceived a child.

(ALL GASPING)

And his name
is Jorge Villalobos.
Come up here, Jorge.

Let's lift the veil
of mystery.

The fruit of my loins
is right here.

Everybody take a look.
See his face.

He's mine.

Search your feelings,
Jorge.

You know it to be true.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SIGHING)

It's okay. I know.
Lot of information.

You let it settle.
Who'd have thunk it.

Come on, give
that kid a hand.

Oh. And, Jack?

Pam's pregnant.

(GASPING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Focker out.

(THUDDING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Hey.
PAM: Hey.

What happened last night?

Well, you got drunk
and told my dad
I'm pregnant.

You revealed you have
a 15-year-old son
named Jorge.

And apparently
you have the hots
for my mom.

Oh, my God.

Is that really true?

I think she's attractive.

No, that you have a son
you never told me about.

Honey, if it is,
I never heard about it
before last night.

Isabel never said
anything to me.

(SIGHS)

I don't even
remember drinking.

You're telling me
the truth, aren't you?

Of course I am. Pam�

I love you.
I would never lie to you
about anything like that.

I love you, too.

And if Jorge really
is your son,

then we will make it work.

Okay.

Hey, how did your dad react
to the pregnancy news?

Just as you'd expect.

He slept in the RV.
He hasn't spoken to anyone
since last night.

(RV HORN HONKING)

JACK: Pam, we have
to leave this island.

Get in the RV right now.

Bernard, get out
from under the vehicle
or I will run you over.

I'm not moving, Jack.
There's a non-violent way
to handle this.

What's going on?

Your father wants to leave,
and Bernie
is staging a sit-in.

Dad, come on, get up.
This is ridiculous.

You weren't around
in the '60s.

This is how
we got things done.

Pam, Dina, we have to get
off this island. It's evil.

Jack Byrnes,
out of the RV.

You are acting
like such a jerk.

Yes, there you go.

Jacko! We're gonna
have a grandchild.

Come on, we should
be celebrating.

How could
you not see it?

Greg is completely unfit
to handle a child.

He's neglected his own son
for 15 years.

I didn't even know
he existed.

That's right.

Who knows what to believe?
You're dishonest
about everything.

You're so much better, Jack?
Why don't you tell everybody

what you did
last night to Greg?

Muskrat, Dina.

Stuff your muskrat, Jack.

He shot Greg
with truth serum
before his speech.

What?

I found this
in his pocket.

Here we go again, Dad.

He did the same thing
to Pain's junior prom date.

Wait a minute.
Yes, you stuck
a needle in my neck.

You drugged my son?

I had no choice.
He refuses to
tell the truth.

Because he's terrified,
and he thinks
he has to impress you.

He's had us trying
to impress you,
but in my opinion,

Jack, I think it's you
who should be trying
to impress us.

Jack.

You've insulted me,
my wife, my son,
our entire way of life.

I've sat back
and taken it. But now,

you've crossed the line, sir.
And I'm gonna have to
kick your ass.

Dad, wait a second.

I'm gonna teach this florist
some justice, Focker-style.

Calm down.

Just give me a minute
to stretch.

Bernie, you're gonna
hurt yourself.
We can talk this through.

It's too late for words,
Rosalind.

Dad, please,
no dance fighting.

This is Capoeira, man.
It's hardcore shit.

Bernard, if you continue,
you will force me
to engage you.

And once I begin combat,
it can only end
with your demise.

Bring it, dog.
Come on. Bring it.

Dad.
PAM: Greg.

What, Bernie,
you're gonna snap now?

PAM: Greg!
What?

Now look what you did.

It's your fault.

He's bleeding, Daddy.

That's it. Pam, Dina,
I'm calling
a family conference.

Come on.
No, Dad, this is the family.

In a few weeks, I'm not
gonna be Pam Byrnes.
I'll be Pamela Focker.

Or Byrnes-Focker.
We haven't totally
decided yet.

No, I'm gonna be
Pamela Martha Focker.

I know how that sounds,
but that's the name
I'm taking.

Pamcake, you're upset.
I'm not sure you're thinking
clearly right now.

I'm trying, Dad.

You're not
thinking clearly.

These two kids
love each other. Look.

We've been kvelling
about this pregnancy
all weekend.

You knew she was pregnant?

We all did, Jack.

Daddy, I was gonna tell you
after the wedding, I swear.

This is the reason
I created the circle of trust

so we could
discuss these things.

The circle isn't gonna
work if you don't trust
anyone in it.

Dad.

Jack, don't.
No, Dad.

Daddy.
DINA: Honey.

Daddy, please.
Where are you going?

Jack. Come on.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Daddy, come back, please.

(SIGHS)

This is nicht gut.

(CAR PHONE RINGING)

ROZ: Is it ringing?

There's no answer.

Let's give him some space.
Maybe he's learning
to self-soothe.

Roz.
What?

This is crazy.
I'm going.

I'm coming with you, Son.

I can do it myself.

We gotta make up time.
I know these roads
like the back of my hand.

Come on, let's put this
family back together.

BERNIE: Boy, Greg,
I know a shortcut.

It will lead us
to the freeway.

BERNIE: I think
you make a right
up here or a left.

It's either one
or the other.

You don't know
where we are, do you?

Something's wrong here.
This makes no sense at all.

Dad, it's a map of Detroit.

Oh! Well, that explains it.

Punch it, Gay.
We gotta catch that dude.

(SIREN WAILING)

Shit.

Come on. Keep going.

Dad, come on, it's a cop.

Listen. Let me
do the talking.

I know how to handle
the local cops.

No, don't do any talking.

Don't shush me,
I'm a lawyer.

I'm not shushing you.

You know how many tickets
I've talked myself out of?

Look at this guy.
Don't they have
height requirements?

We're screwed.
No, we're not.

Dad, he said to remain
in the vehicle.

Sir, I said to remain
in your vehicle.

I just wanna talk to you
for one second.

Let's just talk
like friendly Floridians.

If you fail to comply,
I will arrest you.

My son's future
father-in-law thinks
my Gay has a bastard son.

I said shut it.
Shut it.

I know my civil rights now.

You know your rights?

Oh!

BERNIE: I have
sensitive wrists.

Return to your vehicle.

I don't know what
he said, but�

That's it. On your belly.

On my belly?

You got a hearing problem,
freak?

No, I'm just trying to say�

Now we have
two failures to comply.

Now, I need the two of you

to remain on the vehicle.

Okay, now here's my plan.

Plan?

Dad, no.

That was just a joke.

I'm sorry.

I was just trying
to help you, Gay.

I know, Dad.
You're always trying to help.

(CAR PHONE RINGING)

Talk to me, Marty.
What's the intel on
Operation Living Skeleton?

FOXTROT ONE:
Focker is not
the kid's father, Jack.

Are you kidding me?
I was sure
I had that pegged.

I'm sending you
a visual uplink now.

The dad was a minor-league
Florida ball player.

His name is Rusty Bridges.

We all make mistakes, Santa.
Foxtrot One out.

34 years spent
reading other people
and I get it all wrong.

My own wife,
I don't even know
what she's thinking.

My daughter keeps
secrets from me.

Sometimes I think
you're the only person
I can really talk to, LJ.

Asshole.

I know.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

POLICEMAN: F-O-C-K-E-R.

Hey, it's Jack.
Hey, Jack.

Wait!

Jack.
Halt.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Weaver stance!

(GROANS)

(STUN GUN CLICKING)

Oh, my God.
You shot my son.

Halt.

Your son has merely
been stunned by a less
than lethal weapon.

(GROANING)

Remain calm.

50, 000 volts of electricity
are now passing

into your skeletal
muscle tissue.

Your central nervous system
has been incapacitated,

but you will regain
motor functions momentarily.

(GROANS)

Officer, do you
mind telling me

why you're arresting
these men?

Oh, mercy,
it just gets better
and better.

That is none of your
business, looky-loo.

Return to
your camper.

At ease, son.
Put away the Taser.

Jack Byrnes, CIA.

C-l what?

Says here you're retired.

What'll you show me
next, old-timer,
your AARP card?

You listen to me,
and listen good.

What's he doing?

Don't worry,
he'll get us out of this.

You have no right to�
Stand down, sir.

I will not stand down.
You will stand down.

I will not stand down.

You will stand down

or you will be working
security in a retirement
home in Point Beach.

(STUN GUN CLICKING)
Remain calm.

It's been almost an hour.
You think they caught him?

Sure, sweetheart.

If I know Bernie,

they're probably sitting
in a Little Havana cafe,

eating chimichangas
and working out
their issues.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

POLICEMAN: Check it out.

He's got a rubber booby.

(MEN LAUGHING)

GREG: What's going on?

I was talking to
Judge Goldfarb.

It's done, we're out.

I thought you were
making a call.

I ran into the judge
in the hall.

I took care of everything.

Yeah, right.

What're you saying, Jack?

If you had kept
your mouth shut
in the first place

we wouldn't be here.

I'm a lawyer, Jack.
I'm trying to get us
out of here.

What'd you do,
give the judge
your fondue recipe?

At least I'm comfortable
enough in my own skin

to cook for my family.

When's the last time
you gave Dina
breakfast in bed?

When is the last time
you gave her anything in bed?

Now you're out
of line, Focker.

You're out of line, man.

No, you hurt
my feelings there,

and there was
no reason to do that.

Would you guys stop?
He insulted me.

This isn't about you,
all right?

It's not about either of you.
It's about me and Pam.

We're getting married.
That's it.

We're starting
our own circle of trust.

Guess what?
You're not in it.

You can't start
a circle of trust.
It's my circle.

You don't have a patent
on the circle, Jack.

By the way, you're not even
in your own circle right now.

That is untrue.
I say who's in or out
of the circle.

I'm confused.
Whose circle am I in?

BOTH: Nobody's.

Look, we're starting
a family, okay?

We're gonna
have a baby.

I have
a 15-year-old son.

You guys gotta put
aside your issues

and do what's best for us.

Greg, Jorge is
not your son.

What?

I had a comparative
DNA analysis
done last night.

I made a mistake.

You made a mistake?

Yes, I did.
Wait a minute.

Truth serum, DNA matches.

Who the hell are you,
Jack Byrnes?

I'm not really
a florist, Bernard.

I was in the CIA
for 32 years.

I retired
right before I met Greg.

Oh, sure.
That makes sense.

(SCATTING)

Bernie, what the heck
are you still doing here?

Ira.

Open up,
let these guys out.

What exactly
did he say to you?

He didn't have
to say anything.

Dr. Roz saved my marriage.

I'd do anything
for that woman.

You tell sugar-pants
I'll see her in class
next week.

Will do, Ira. Thanks.

What can I say?
I'm married to
a powerful woman.

All right, gentlemen.
Let's go.
Excuse me.

What?

Can you close
the cell door?

Focker!
You want to remain
in the cell?

We're not done talking yet.

What?

So, what do you think?

Can we work this out
or not?

Okay.

Jack?

(STUTTERS)

(MUMBLING)

Good enough.

Then I think Pam and I
should get married
this weekend.

This weekend?
I'm not so sure
that's a good idea.

You wanna be
in the circle or not?

Okay, we'll do it
this weekend.

I think I can get Judge Ira
to marry you guys.

I don't think so.

If it's all right
with you, Greg,

I already have
a minister in mind.

(BALLAD PLAYING)

Oh my god, Dad.
You didn't!

JACK: Meeting Greg made
such an impression on Kevin

he spent eight months

on a kibbutz,
took an Internet course

and got ordained
as an inter-faith minister.

(SIGHS)

Jack told me
you were okay with me
conducting the ceremony.

I hope that's true.

Yeah, no,
I think it's great.

I mean,
it is a little weird.

You listen to me
when I say this.

Pam and I didn't
have one-tenth of
the spiritual connection

that you two
obviously share.

I look at you both together
and you're beautiful.

I get it. Okay?

Okay, thank you, Kevin.

Thank you, Greg.

(PLAYING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

You're gonna be
a great mom, Pamcake.

Thank you, Daddy.

(PLAYING PIPES)

Who gives this woman
to this man?

I do.
Jack Tiberius Byrnes.

Daddy.

Sorry, Greg.
She's all yours now.

That was sweet, honey.
Are you all right?

Shalom, everyone.

ALL: Shalom.

(SPEAKING IN HEBREW)

Which is Hebrew for
"what's going on?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

Let us begin
with the blessing
of the wine.

(CHANTING)

ALL: Amen.

Kevin.
What?

Yeah, go ahead.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Hi.

Rosalind.
Yeah.

I just have to say
I underestimated you.

Oh.

When it comes to relationships
I'm starting to see

that you might actually know
what you're talking about.

(LAUGHING)

I appreciate that, Jack.
Really, thank you.

I also was curious
about the advice
you gave Judge Ira.

Is that classified
information?

I thought you'd never ask.

I'm gonna give you
a crash course, okay?

Come here.

Really?

Uh-huh.

And I do that for
how many minutes?

There's my brother
from another mother.

Congratulations, Jacko.

Put that away, Bernard.

We're family now.

We're family.

If you'll excuse me,

I have some unfinished
business to take care of.

Go get her, tiger.

(GROWLING)

We Fockerized him.

Sure did.

I'd like to Fockerize you.

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)

(ALL CHEERING)

Do we have
to hurry like this?

Honey, we're in
a covert operation.

The bandleader told me
we have 23 minutes
before they cut the cake.

Jack, what are
you doing?

Little trick
Bernie taught me.

(CHUCKLING)

Now let's find out, LJ,

why the Ferber method
isn't working.

(TAPE REWINDING)

(WAILING)

Hi, baby.

Hi, Little Jack.

Look what I brought you.

What did I bring?
A chocolate.

For the baby.

Yummy, is that good?

I know you
shouldn't have this.

Grandpa Jack doesn't
like chocolate.

But he's a little whacko.

Don't tell him, okay?

I got some cake
in the refrigerator.

Later I'll bring
you that, okay?

Chocolate cake.
Good boy.

Don't tell anyone,
okay? One more.

(GIGGLING)

(TAPE REWINDING)

You yell and scream
all you want.

Make noise, that's what
this country's all about.

I think we've got
a little protester
on our hands.

Oh, it figures,

I should've known
this was gonna go on.

BERNIE:
Always question authority.

You have to question
everything El Stiffo
Grandpa Jack says.

You know why?
Because he's full of�

(CHANTING)

Grandpa Jack is full of�

(GIGGLING)

(SIGHS)

Grandpa Jack is full of�

(TAPE REWINDING)

There he is.
Little Man Jack.
How're you doing?

Can I interest you
in a little vodka?

Just kidding.

I'm officially
your uncle now.

So I was thinking

maybe I should give you
some uncley advice.

Little hints for surviving
in this family

'cause you gotta learn
to keep secrets from
your psycho grandpa.

He was upset
when you crawled
out of the playpen.

Which is why we never told him
that instead of watching you,

I was actually
out by the lagoon

smoking a little reefer.

(SHUSHING)

Or that whole thing
about Pam being pregnant.

There's no little
Focker on the way.

Whole thing
was just made up

so Jack would
let us get married.

You gotta do what
you gotta do, right?

That's cute, that little
alligator tchotchke thing.

What's that in its mouth?
It's got a camera!

(GASPING)

Busted.

Hi, Jack.

I knew you were there
all along. I was just

doing a little show
for you.

You know I don't smoke
pot or anything,
and Pam is pregnant.

You should've seen
the look on your face,
though. So good.

Asshole.

Hey, look at me,
Jack, what am I?

(GRUNTING)

I am a frozen caveman.

Study me, Jack.

Learn how strange
the Focker genetic code is.

We are weird mutants
who hug and kiss.

We show emotion.

Jack must learn from us

and chip away
with his hammer of truth.

Focker.

GREG: Wooga booga.