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Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Hank Chen!

Thank you.

Hank, Hank, Hank.

Thank you, guys,
so much!

Thank you!

Stop.
This is a comedy special.

Thank you. Stop it.
Comedy special.

We're gonna laugh,
I promise.

Oh, my God.
Thank you guys so much

for being here
and supporting live comedy, supporting me.

What the fuck is this shit?
Look at this.

They brought it out.
Holy shit.

I was on that a week ago,
and then I wasn't.

I was on the road. Wow.

No. We are...
We're gonna have a really great time tonight,

because I am high
on oxy.

And in seven days,
I haven't taken a shit.

But I just had enchiladas
for dinner.

So fingers crossed, okay?

The resale value of this couch
is about to go way down.

Or up,
depending on your kink.

Freaks.

Look at how diverse
this audience is. I see you.

We are like
the United Nations...

if the United Nations worked.

Someone told me the other day
that stand-up is like the new poetry,

and I'm like, "Yeah,
Maya Angelou will be real proud of all of us

"contributing to world peace
by listening to dick jokes."

No.

I'm not supposed to be here.

Uh, some of you know that
I ride a motorcycle,

and exactly a week ago,
I got hit by a car.

I fractured my pelvis,

and I just got discharged from
Cedars-Sinai two days ago,

which is why
I look fabulous.

Thank you.

Oh.

Seriously, are we even going to
call this a stand-up special? I don't know.

Thank you.
I don't...

Fucking... It's going to be
the lie-down special, okay?

To be original.

The day of the accident,

one week ago,
the doctors were like,

"You might need surgery,

"you need long-term healthcare,

"you're gonna have to
stay off your feet for like six to eight weeks."

And I was like...

"You listen to me.

Let me tell you
exactly what I do.

"The word 'stand-up'..."

I was like this. I said,
"The word 'stand-up'

"are literally in
the name of my profession."

I feel bad for the driver
who hit me.

It was this kid.
He was very sweet.

He ran out of his car
and he was like,

"I'm sorry!"

And I was like...

"It's okay,
but you have to call 911.

"I forgive you, but help me!"

It's too early for me to decide
if I'm gonna ride again.

But, uh, I love
riding motorcycles, man, it's too early.

But I will say that if I don't,

the thing that I'm gonna miss
the most about it is the respect.

'Cause Asian drivers
do not get respect on the road.

But when I put on a helmet...

and covered my entire face...

people treated me
like I was Iron Man.

Like I was a white cop.

I was so masculine on my bike.

Girls at crosswalks
would check me out as I held traffic for them.

Other drivers,
they'd get out of your way, right?

And they feel cool
when you point at them.

One time, I was knocking on
a lady's window

to let her know
her blinker was on. She was like,

"I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God. Thank you so much."

I was like,
"It's fine, lady."

Like, you get respect
when you're on a motorcycle.

But I'm gonna
tell you a secret.

We're actually
very vulnerable.

Uh, we don't wear seatbelts.

All we have is our equipment
to protect us,

which is why I never understood
aggressive bikers. Like, what are you doing?

So, if you ever find yourself
in the middle of a biker gang attack,

or you feel someone
just coming after you or whatever,

just run us over,
you'll be fine.

We won't be.
You'll be safe. Just go, okay?

This was not
my first brush with death.

You know,
I was almost born feet-first

with an umbilical cord
wrapped around my neck.

And because I survived that,

my parents had
higher expectations from me than...

this.

You know?
In fact... You know...

All of you guys are
really part of the great nightmare.

So, thank you for...

Thank you for being
a part of that.

I come from
a very conservative background.

My parents are very...

disappointed that...

I turned out to become...

not a doctor.
You know what I'm saying?

While I was recovering
at Cedars-Sinai,

I kept telling
all my Asian doctors that my mom was proud of them.

For more drugs.

Didn't work,
but they appreciated it.

I'm the oldest of two.
I'm the only son.

Both my parents
are engineers.

My dad has
two Masters degrees.

My mom and I have had
the same phone conversation for the last 15 years,

and it drives me crazy.
She's just...

"Okay, you know,

"acting and comedy
can just be hobby, okay?

"Uh, part-time.

"Independent contractor.

"Also, you don't
have to be gay. Hello? Excuse me?

"No gay.
You don't have to be gay.

"Gay can be hobby."

"Part-time.

"Independent contractor.

"Mommy love you. Click."

She says "click."
I don't know why.

I got a degree
in sociology

from a Christian college
outside of Chicago.

Wheaton College in Illinois.

And it is an honor

to be blocked by them
on Twitter.

I thought God was
all about honesty.

I guess they can't
handle the truth.

They love to brag that

they are the Harvard
of Christian colleges.

"We're the Harvard
of Christian colleges."

Not with
your Division III athletics.

Also, Harvard is not
walking around

bragging about being
the Wheaton of libtards and sinners, so...

People were like, "Wow.

"Going to Christian college
was really difficult, huh, Hank,

"because you're
gay?"

Not for me, it wasn't.

I was just walking around
being fabulous.

They were traumatized.

I'm good.

I wasn't a good classmate.

I provoked them all the time,

because it was so boring
going there.

We were
in the middle of nowhere.

Like, you could just
say the word "fuck"

and they would
just pass out. They would just...

It was like
having a superpower.

By the way,
I have also never met a group of people

more obsessed with sex
than these people.

And I know actual pornstars
in Los Angeles.

People whose jobs
are fucking, okay?

Who's doing it,
who wants to do it,

who's only doing it
with themselves,

who's praying
about doing it.

Like, who's doing it
with just their mouth and their butt

so it doesn't count.

Who's getting married ASAP,

even though they're
only 19 years old,

so they can move into
on-campus married housing,

and finally they get to do it
under the Holy Spirit.

Like, I'm in my thirties.

You understand?

I have classmates with kids
who are in high school.

Full adults who drive...

and talk back...

and spend
their parents' money.

Like, thank God I am gay.

He really did save me.

From children.

Because they are
the real devils.

Now, Christian
and Chinese culture have a lot of similarities.

They're both
very image conscious.

My parents were
obsessed with perfection.

I once brought home
a "D" from middle school.

My dad told me
I was the shame of our entire dynasty.

I was like,
"The entire dynasty?"

Like, millions of people
all the way back to the beginning,

when we first invented paper
and discovered tea leaves?

The entire dynasty?

That's a lot
of people, right?

You're being dramatic.

You're talking about
our family of four.

You, me, mom and...

Oh, no. You meant
the whole dynasty.

They didn't even have
Ds back then.

Come on!
That's not fair.

Like, my math
is pretty decent.

That seems like
a numerical improbability, if you ask me.

What about great, great,
great, great, great, great, great Aunty Xania,

who, even though he father was
a respected top Confucian scholar

with a full head of hair,
grew up to be a total concubine

who could not even.
What about her?

Is she not the shame of
the entire dynasty? No.

What about great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great Uncle Khan?

Genghis Khan.

World famous rapist.

The reason why
all Asians look alike.

What about him?

No? But I'm the shame
of the entire dynasty. That's me.

What about Uncle Mike
and his DUIs, huh?

Uncle Mike needs a breathalyzer
just to start his fucking car.

Yeah.
But my "D" took down a section of the Great Wall.

Yeah, well,
I learned my lesson,

and now I've been bringing home
a different type of "D".

Hey, oh!

We'll see how long it takes
before I can start doing that again.

Uh...

That has the most sympathy.
I love it.

It was like,
"Oh, poor baby!

"He can't fuck. Oh!"

It was my pelvis.
It's so fractured, guys.

It looked awful in the X-rays.
It's fine.

I'm so glad to be here with you.

Thank you.

When I was growing up,

there were so few
Asians on TV,

every time my dad saw one,

he'd be like, "Oh, Asian!

"Okay, oh..."

Just wave everybody
into the living room.

We'd all come running.

We're trying to stuff a tape
into the VCR to hit "record" in time.

We're like,
"What are we watching?" "I don't know."

"Where's the TV guide?"
"I throw away."

It was CBS Evening News
with Dan Rather and Connie Chung.

We watched it
until she got fired.

But with Monday nights
at nine o'clock on Fox,

we had Lucy Liu
on Ally McBeal.

Love that show.

Love Lucy.

And she was literally on
Ally McBeal.

Do you guys remember
the lesbian episode?

Do you guys remember when
lesbians were very controversial

on television?

Yes, so it was sweeps week,

and for those of your guys
that remember television, like the 90s and the aughts,

like, sweeps week was just
a big ratings grab.

So everyone was just trying to
do something big.

And Ally and Lucy

just had a little fling
for one episode,

and I remember them
just making out.

And we're on the couch,
the whole family.

Like, my sister must have been,
like, six years old,

and we're watching an episode
called Buried Pleasures.

That title alone
is a sign of the times, okay?

And for those of you
that wanna argue nature vs. nurture,

my sister is
super straight now.

She's married,
she's got a kid.

So, you know,
after that show though, I had higher hopes.

My mother is also
still straight.

A Christian Republican voter

watching Lucy Liu
swap spit with another woman,

just staring at the TV.

And, oh,
if you remember that episode,

it also took forever.

It was very awkward for me,

but she was just watching
and watching and just...

"Okay, you know,
this is good show.

"This is a high-quality show.
This is..."

I was like,
"I think my mom just came out."

She had
the weirdest analogies.

She'd be like,
"Okay, normal show is like cheese pizza.

"This show is like supreme."

Okay.

Okay.

"This show high-class.
This show high-class."

With my parents,
everything was about class, right?

So, like,
I loved Steve Urkel.

"Did I do that?"

Low-class. Mm.

Now, anything Asian
on television was high-class.

So drug dealer, prostitute,
gangbanger. High-class.

If Steve Urkel had been Asian,
he would've been high-class.

Probably still disowned,
but high-class, all right?

I'll tell you
what wasn't high-class.

I hate to say it.

Live-action Mulan.

Oh, live-action Mulan,

you disappointed us.

And they tried to charge us
$30 for that.

Do you remember that
at the beginning of the pandemic?

They tried to
make us pay for it. Are you crazy?

I am on unemployment.

The most Asian thing I did
to support that film

was save my money.

I bootlegged it,
like a real Asian.

Wasn't even worth
all the viruses I got on my computer.

Those things signed into
my Google Home.

My garage door
kept going up and down.

The thermometer in our house
kept going from

freezing polar vortex
to the Seventh Circle of Hell.

It fucked my boyfriend.

I know some of y'all thought
I was single. Fuck you.

Live-action Mulanstarred

a beautiful communist.

I don't even know her name,
you know?

Like, I just call her
Chinese Barbie.

Chinese concentration camp Barbie.

Because China's running
concentration camps Hitler style right now.

I'm the one that has to
talk about this, okay?

Like that's where they
shot part of the movie. Isn't that crazy?

So, here's the dish.

China's President, Xi Jinping,

he's trying to "re-educate"

a bunch of ethnic minorities
called the Uyghurs,

and he's locking them up
and anyone who talks about them.

So I can't go back now.

I love China.
You should all go back.

If you're not Asian,
if you're white, Black,

they will not mess with you.
Go back.

But I cannot go back
and sit down

for a dinner of white rice
and chicken feet

and wake up the next day
at a conveyor belt

next to a seven-year-old
sorting iPhone batteries.

That's not my future.

This dude is so crazy,
Vladimir Putin inspires him.

Hopefully not to
take off his shirt while riding a horse.

Putin does that.

Xi Jinping would be
as terrifying as Putin

if it weren't for the fact that
he looks so much like Winnie the Pooh.

What's hilarious is
Xi JingPooh...

Xi JingPooh hates
Winnie the Pooh so much that

Mr. The Pooh is
banned from all of China.

Which is super weird to me,
because he's also yellow, right?

Like, self-hate?
What's going on?

You see yourself in him,
or whatever.

Um, but everyone in
the Hundred Acre Wood, banned.

Right? Like you can't
tweet about them on their Twitter,

which is called Weibo.

So there's
no Christopher Robin,

and all of his
unstructured free time.

Like, "Why aren't you
working in a sweatshop? You're clearly old enough."

There's no Eeyore.
Depression doesn't exist in China.

Toughen up
and be happy, bitch.

No Piglet, right?

Little pink-striped faggot.

Just everyone's banned.

Xi JingPooh, he's just like
in his palace.

This is one of the most
powerful people in the world.

President of
one of the largest countries in the world,

just sitting at home
in his palace,

on his phone,
constantly refreshing Weibo,

terrified that these
little cartoon characters

are sitting around eating honey
and blowing each other.

Total threat to
Chinese National Security.

It's weird.

It's weird to be related to
a group of people

whose government is running
concentration camps.

And Xi Jinping, you know,

he is an overachieving
Chinese motherfucker

who was definitely beaten
as a child.

Overachiever. He's like,

"Hitler killed six million.
We're gonna kill two times.

"We're gonna kill 30."

Calm the fuck down, sir,
with your counterfeit Holocaust 2.0, all right?

Like, he's trying so hard
to be the new Nazi Germany.

Dude, it's adorable.

You're like such a copycat.

This country
knocks off everything!

I don't give a crap
what China thinks about me.

They already hate me
because I'm gay, you know?

They were already mad.
Which is weird.

Like, don't be mad at me
for being gay.

Be mad at me
because I talk at the movies.

'Cause that's annoying.

But I'm...
I'm not worried.

I'm a good Asian.
I know I'm a good Asian,

because I speak
Chinese Mandarin fluently. Hey...

Thank you.

Gotta hold on
to the culture.

But apparently,
there's just like an aura about me

that makes people think
"stupid one language."

Like, they look at me,
they don't assume that.

But I have to go into
Chinese restaurants

and I pretty much have to
order off the menu within 20 seconds.

Otherwise, I start to get
racially profiled by the servers.

They're just like

And I'm like, "Oh.

"Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait," you know?

"Like, you do know that
if we go outside,

"they're gonna think
we're all Jackie Chan, right?

"I'm just like you, okay?

"I'm not translucent, okay?

"I understand every dot,
every slash."

I was saying this
to my friend, Tricia. White girl, clearly.

Tricia in Latin
means white lady.

Uh, so...

And Tricia,
she was saying to me,

she was like, "Wow, Hank,
they don't think you're authentic.

"You're like the Panda Express
of Chinese people."

Bitch.

I'm the P.F. Chang's
of Chinese people!

Do you understand me, bitch?

Fast casual. Fast casual.

Bitch.

Do I look like
I'm to-go, bitch?

I am to stay.
I'm sitting down, I'm in a booth.

You're bringing me a menu.

Go get me refills, bitch.
I want my water, bitch.

Stop Asian hate, Tricia.

Tricia and I are
really good friends, I promise.

We're really good friends.

We actually went camping
a little while ago.

I'll tell you about that later.
But listen, I get it.

I used to wait tables
in college.

And that is also where
I realized that

I was too white
for the Asians,

and too Asian
for the whites, okay?

I worked at a restaurant...

in Illinois
that was so awful,

that will remain nameless,
called Macaroni Grill!

I hate this place so much!

Just the one
in Danada, Illinois.

Everything else is fine.

Italian restaurant.
My manager,

this asshole, Roger,
with the pockmarks.

He was always saying
stupid shit to me, like...

He was like, "Hank,
when you bring out the bread,

"and the olive oil,
don't also bring out

"shaved parmesan cheese,
because it's not authentically Italian."

Authentically Italian?

Roger, you hired me.

So the next table,
table 55, party of four.

This is how trauma bonded
I am to this place.

Still remember it.
It was like yesterday.

I go up to
party of four.

And, in their defense,
they were so old, right?

There was like four old,
adorable little white people.

And the lady closest to me...
I mean, they looked like little shriveled up mushrooms.

Just like those
shriveled up mushrooms.

They were so cute!

Oh, I was so mad at them.
They were so cute!

But this little lady was like,

"Oh, my God, young man,

"please sing us a song
in your native language."

You mean English?

She said, "No, no!
Your native language."

Listen to me.
My name is Hank, okay?

That's how
I introduced myself.

Welcome to Macaroni Grill.
My name is Hank. Okay?

I did not introduce myself
as Ling-Ling, or Patuk.

Because that
would have been understandable.

What were they expecting?

Hello!
Welcome to Macaroni Grill.

Authentic Italian
dining experience.

My name is Wong Fu.

Tonight, I be
your food server,

drycleaner, shoeshiner,

math tutor, and a Chinese
railroad worker.

What? Oh, tonight,

our chef's special is linglini
with a white clam sauce...

with Chihuahua
baby back ribs.

Woof, woof.

They are so fresh.

This morning shipment just

You pick yours right now.

What?

Song in my native language?

Greatest honor
of my entire dynasty.

♪ Everybody Kung Fu fighting ♪

Gong.

Hi-ya.

That's how I lost my job
at Macaroni Grill.

After Wheaton,
I moved to New York.

I started my career
with an episode

on Law & Order:
Special Victims Unit. Dun dun.

Thank you.

It was
the Debra Messing episode. They run it all the time.

Thank you, residuals.

And since then,
I still book jobs

on all of these dramatic
police procedurals.

My friends are like,
"How is this happening?" right.

Like, "You're comedy, right?"

Okay, so here's the trick.

So you gotta find
the comedy in the drama,

and you gotta find
the drama in the comedy.

So actors, listen up, okay?
'Cause casting directors of all these murder shows,

they sit through rape,
pillage and plunder all day.

I remember once
being in the waiting room,

and through the walls,
you could just hear the wailing.

Like, "Oh, my God, my baby!

"Please, you're hurting me!"

"Shut up, bitch."

I was looking at
this poor assistant.

I'm like, "Is it like this
every day?"

She's, like, trying to
do her job.

Take phone calls
and make lunch orders,

and she was like, "Yeah.

"And they don't even pay
for my therapy."

So, you gotta lighten it up,
you know?

So that's why when you see me
on these shows,

I'm always like,
"Listen, officer.

"I don't know why
this bitch is dead, but she deserved it."

You know, I'm like
doing laundry and shit. You know what I mean?

So you gotta find the comedy
in the drama.

You gotta find the drama
in the comedy.

Now, the best job I ever did
was a comedy.

I did a movie with Tyra Banks
called Life-Size 2.

It was the sequel to
the original film that starred Lindsay Lohan.

And Tyra's cool as hell,
by the way. She's cool as hell.

They made all of us go to
sexual harassment training.

So Tyra, myself, the director,
the producers, all of us,

which actually made me
really uncomfortable.

I didn't want to bring it up,
but if

Tyra Banks was not allowed to
sexually harass me,

how was I going to get
my confidence? You know what I mean?

Where was I going to
find my self-worth?

You know what I mean? Like...

I didn't want to bring it up,
though, so, awkward.

Uh, Life-Size 2was great,

because I got to play a role
that I don't normally get to play.

Uh, it was very exciting.

When I booked it, I was like,

"Oh, my God.
I'm gonna win an award."

Like, "Get ready,
give me the trophy rack."

It was the role
of a lifetime.

It was the hardest role
I ever had to do.

I had to dig down so deep
to play...

gay best friend
to the female lead.

And they wanted
a full-time gay, not a part-time gay.

No, it was a blessing.

It was a blessing
to be able to say lines like,

"Ooh, girl,
what are you gonna do?"

Other award winners like,
"Go for it, it's Christmas."

And then the line that
the gay best friend says

in every Christmas movie
to his female bestie.

We all know this, right?
Let's say it together.

"Bitch, if you don't
suck his dick, I will."

Heartwarming.

I love that.

A Walt Disney Company
motion picture.

Parental discretion advised.

Hallmark started it.

It was exciting though.

You know, there was an Asian
on television.

New thing.

My dad was at home
watching me, like,

"Oh, Asian. Oh, oh, As..."

"Oh, Asian."

Click.

I'm just kidding.
He didn't watch that movie.

And now nobody can,
because Disney took it off Disney Plus.

Did you guys know that?

Boo!

It's fine.
We'll sign a petition.

So, it's on
Australian Disney Plus.

If there's anybody here
who knows any Australians,

have them text
200 of your friends.

Please ask them to play it
in the background tonight,

you know,
while they're washing dishes,

taking a shit, you know,
shaving their pubes, whatever.

In 120 days,

I will get a check
for 13 cents, so...

It'll be nice to have
some parking meter money this year.

Disney's a start-up.

That's what I was told
when they were negotiating my contract.

I believe they have
a very bright future. Mmm.

Put it back on Disney Plus.

Giant companies, they're always
taking advantage, aren't they?

First of all,
I am sick and tired

of these multimillion,
billion dollar companies taking advantage of us.

Grocery stores.
What is with self-checkout?

Your credit card machines
never work.

And then it's awkward.
They're like, "Sir, come back.

"You have to pay for those.

"Get out of your car.

"We're calling the police,"
right?

Awkward.
You did that to me!

Same with public transportation.
I ride the metro in Los Angeles.

Well, I used to.
We'll see what happens now.

But it's $1.75.

I ride it to Long Beach
all the time.

And you get a free show usually
when you're on the metro.

But what do they say
at every single stop?

"If you see something,
say something.

"If you see something,
say something.

"If you see something,
say something."

To who?

To who?

I'll tell you right now.
If I see something,

I'm going to shut the fuck up
and mind my own goddamn business.

That's what I'm gonna do.

If I see something,

I'm gonna get behind
a child and a pregnant lady.

'Cause they'll be
the least likely to be attacked.

If I see something,

I will take video
of this unhoused creature

high on meth,
swinging around a Lime scooter

while taking a dump
in this white lady's purse.

You know, make that
literal shit go viral.

You're welcome, Reddit.

I ain't saying nothing,
all right?

So, anyways,
I'm in New York,

and getting my career going
was actually really difficult.

I was on food stamps
for a couple of years.

And I lived alone,
so I was really lonely,

so of course, the most
fiscally responsible thing for me to do

when I could
barely feed myself was to get a dog.

Like a fucking idiot.

But, you know,
he was exactly what I needed.

Dogs,
they love you unconditionally

as long as you feed them
twice a day

and take them outside
to take a shit.

He was the only man
who accepted me

for exactly who I was
and never expected me to put out...

because I had
his balls cut off.

I picked him up from
the 110th Street shelter in the Upper East Side.

And this shelter,
they tried to get me killed.

This shelter tried to
get me killed. Here's what they did.

This dog,
he's a black Labrador.

Gorgeous, beautiful.

The name they gave him
when I picked him up from the shelter...

was "Blacky."

I lived in Brooklyn
at the time.

I said, "We will be changing
his name...

"because I would like to
stay alive."

How long do you think
I would have stayed alive

screaming down
Flatbush Avenue,

"Blacky!"

"Blacky."
He got off his leash.

"Blacky!"

"Can somebody
help me grab... Blacky!"

They run so fast.

I mean,
imagine a black guy

staying in
the corner of Chinatown

with a little shar-pei
named "Chinky," you know?

You're gonna get
some weird looks, too, right?

I had to have
his name changed.

Also, why would you name
a dog "Blacky"?

It didn't make sense to me.

Like, he's never been
unlawfully detained by the police.

Or fucked over
by the Democrats.

Blacky was renamed Eli,

which means "God,"
because even though I rescued him,

he saved me.
I know it's so stupid. Shut up.

Aw. So stupid.

And Eli is dead.

Hope you did not get
too attached to that Blacky story.

Sorry, sorry. He died of cancer
a couple of years ago.

He was 12 years old.
It was devastating.

It was very, very hard.

He was part of my life
for a very long time.

And the thing about him is,

I'm a cheap bastard
through and through.

I paid $85 for him
at the shelter.

But by the end of his life,

I dropped $15,000
for his chemotherapy treatments.

And I would do it
all over again.

I figured I could always make
more money,

but that's time with him
that I would never get back.

And I have no regrets.

But during one of the many times
I swiped my credit card

for $2500

and I was reflecting on
all of the times we spent together,

and how much we mean
to each other,

I couldn't help but wonder,

"How much would it cost
to put him down instead?" Right?

Like, can we honor him
they way that my ancestors would have?

Which is in a bowl of soup.

With what? Green onions,

shiitake mushrooms
that look like little old white people.

Oh, are we lonely?

Hey, let's throw in a sirloin,
a friend.

Moo.

You guys can take it.

By the end of Eli's life,

the cancer had really taken
a toll on him.

You know, he had lost
all of this weight.

Um, you could just see
the ribcage just jutting out of his sides.

Uh, he was so skinny.

Um, his cheekbones
looked amazing.

His jawline was
so well-defined.

Any angle
the light hit his face,

you just could not take
a bad selfie with this dog.

You're just like "pow, pow!"
Like, you're just jealous, right?

I held him in my arms
as the vet put him down.

And it occurred to me,
the reason why

it's so difficult to say goodbye
to your animal

is because they're so pure.

They leave this world
without any baggage.

It's not like humans.

You know, Eli and I
never needed to have that deathbed conversation

where he was like,

"Dad, I'm sorry about the time
I took a shit in your bed."

And I'm like, "No, buddy.
It's my fault.

"You were in front of that door
for half the day.

"Have a great journey
without me.

"I'm gonna miss you.

"I love you.
Here, I packed you some treats."

Now, me and my own father,
whole another story!

"Dad, I wish
you hugged me more!"

"I hugging you
ten times more than my daddy hugging me!"

"Yeah?
And you really ramped it up.

"In eleventh grade,

"when Pastor Wong told you
he thought I was effeminate

"and you should give me
more male affection at home,

"otherwise I would start
looking for it elsewhere.

"Well, guess what?

"I am full gay now,
so look who failed?

"Cut me out of the will.
See if I care.

"Sorry I took a shit
on your bed."

My father's still alive,
so there's still time, you know...

for me to get
back in the will.

I remember
after Eli was put down,

I went home.
It was 2:00 in the afternoon.

I just passed out.

I was asleep
for probably more than a day.

I woke up,
I looked in the mirror.

My eyes were swollen,
my skin was grey,

my cheekbones
looked amazing.

My jawline
was so well-defined,

like any angle
the light hit my face,

you just could not take
a bad selfie with me.

I looked gorgeous.

Depression.
Nature's contour.

Pastor Wong was
probably right.

I wasn't hugged enough
as a child, and that's exactly why I'm gay.

It makes total sense.

Uh, and Lucy Liu, you know?

Coming out saved my life.

When I came out,
I was living in New York, and I loved all of it.

The boys, the parties,
the pride.

Like, if you're excited
for Pride Month, I'm excited for you.

It's gonna be great.

And I'm excited for you,
but I cannot do it anymore, all right?

Proud Boys,

I am with you.
We're protesting.

I will be protesting
right alongside the right-wing militia, okay?

Gay means happy.
Do I look happy to you?

And trust me,
I won't be missed at that mean girl parade.

They don't want me there.

Gentlemen, finish your
pomegranate margarita,

wash the glitter and semen
out of your hair,

put your clothes back on
and go back home to your wife and your kids!

You have church on Sunday.

You're a youth pastor.
Your congregation needs you.

Yes, call me later. Yes.

I'm gonna miss you, too.
Stop it.

Okay, don't make this
any harder than it needs to be.

Go back home to your family!

Coming out was so chaotic.

Uh, actually wrestling with
my sexuality for many years,

I finally came out
because I fell in love with this

gorgeous, tall,
dark Italian

who was just not into me
like that,

so I thought I'll do it for him,
you know?

So many red flags.

For one, he kept telling me
he was bisexual

and planning to
eventually marry a woman,

uh, usually while I was
inside of him.

Talk about
your buried pleasures.

Also, he was
a model and actor.

Historically,
not the most stable of folk.

And in Italian,
his last name meant "the face,"

which he loved that
about himself, you know?

His last name
really should have been

"Crack cocaine
laced with Fentanyl"

because I was addicted to him
and he was bad for me.

You know, not a bad guy,
but just bad for me.

And with the chaos
of the relationships

between the Italian
and my current boyfriend,

today,
I started going to therapy,

Twelve-step meetings,
talking to myself in public.

And you guys need to know that
not everyone who does that is a looney toon, okay?

Like, some of us are just
self-soothing.

Some of us are
out of work actors trying to learn lines.

Or we're preparing for
a stand-up special.

What I'm trying to say is
this past month,

I have been all three.
That's why I talk to myself.

Leave me alone. Okay?

I learned that I was
a co-dependent.

If you don't know what that is,
they way that I like to explain it

is that
my addiction is to addicts.

So, if you're an alcoholic,
or workaholic, or sexaholic,

come to Hanky.

I will heal you
with my love.

Or cum on Hanky.

Up to you.
I'm a co-dependent.

Because I was conditioned to be
a submissive Chinaman,

and a righteous Christian
trying to save everyone,

you know, if I saw something,
I just had to say something.

Instead of minding
my own business,

I got into bad relationships.

And this is not easy
to talk about, but I got hit.

And, you know, ladies,
it's not a competition,

but when gay men hit,
it is way worse,

because gay men
wear jewelry.

Now, before
my current boyfriend, one of these guys that I dated,

uh, you know, he hit me.

And if we can learn something
from him,

it's that if you're going to
smack somebody, don't smack 'em too hard,

because you just might smack
some sense into them

and they will leave your ass
like I did.

We didn't even have
a safe word.

You know,
my safe word was "police".

And "jail".

Let's try "Los Angeles
City Attorney's Office".

How about that?

Hit me again
if you wanna go downtown

in handcuffs
and have another hearing, okay?

But jokes aside,
this is the PSA portion of my set,

where I tell you that

if you are in
an abusive relationship, get out.

You're worth more.
You deserve better, okay?

I learned that
it doesn't get better.

You get better.

Nobody can give or take
anything away from you.

Love, self-respect,
self-esteem.

You have to
give it to yourself.

Now, it doesn't explain
the gonorrhea,

but, you know,
cheating bastard.

Shot in the ass
took care of that.

It's easy to get addicted.

Uh, and when you're gay,
we get addicted to each other,

the drama, the escape,

to finally being seen
after living in the shadows for so long.

One addict
who really went off the rails. Uh, Kevin Spacey.

What an idiot, okay?

Power whore,
attention whore,

who, funny enough,
was also a closet case.

Like, dude,
didn't you have secrets, right?

Like, he was really putting it
all out there. Kevin Spacey.

Like, he finally came out
because he was facing rape allegations.

Great timing dude.

The gay community thanks you.

Like, what the fuck were...

You know, fortunately for him,
in some parts of this country,

being gay is worse than
being a rapist.

Like Alabama.

And the states
surrounding Alabama, you know?

And I mention him because,
here's the thing,

I was up for a role
on House of Cards.

Uh, I met Kevin Spacey
several times.

That show was high-class.

Netflix did the right thing
by firing his ass.

And my friends were like,
"Whoa, Hank,

"you really dodged
a bullet there."

And I'm like, "No.

"He doesn't want me."

No, I'm Asian,
I'm effeminate.

I look like
I'm older than 14.

Hire me.
Hire me, pay me.

Because if you want me to
shut the fuck up

about the number of times
you grabbed white boy Brian's balls,

it's going to cost you.

And if he gets handsy,
go ahead.

Come at me if you want to,
you balding bitch,

because I would love
to sue you.

Every time
I get sexually harassed,

it's always by someone
with a regular job and student loans.

Right, like, what's that loser
going to give me, his mom's car?

I don't want her Subaru.
Keep that.

It's... Thank you.

It's never the guy
with the money, ladies.

It's always the weirdo
with the bad credit and the gun to my head.

Come on!

Somebody rich attack me. Please.

And no gay millionaire
ever wanted this.

Like do you see
any lip injections? No.

Like who's showing off
the bottoms of their feet

on Instagram for likes?

Not me, all right?

Clothes stay on.

Ain't nobody asked for that,
ain't nobody wanna see that.

I am no Instagram THOT.

Spelled T-H-O-T.

Stands for
"That Hoe Over There."

The only nudity
you're ever gonna catch on my account

is from my new dog, Ted.

He hates wearing clothes.

I buy him alpaca sweaters
all the time

and he...
It's a waste of money.

Waste of money.
Pisses me off.

Ugh. Ted is so smart,

we have
existential conversations all the time.

He watched
Everything Everywhere All at Once...

and he understood all of it
the first time.

And he loves hotdog fingers.

I've been doing
a lot of inner work on myself,

because I know
what I am susceptible to.

You know, I'm in therapy,
I'm on medication,

I blame my parents.

The more I work on myself,
the better my childhood gets.

My parents still aren't cool
with me being gay,

but my sister is, you know?
She won't admit it,

because she's
still a Christian, but she is.

She was the first family member
that I came out to.

Her high school friends
pretty much bullied me out of the closet through her.

I was living in New York.

I was home for the holidays,
she was still in high school.

And, one night in bed,

we were watching TV
on my laptop,

and between episodes
she was like,

"All my friends
think you're gay.

"I mean,
they don't care, you know?"

"Becca has..."
Her best friend.

"Becca has a gay uncle
and we all think he's cool."

And I'm, like, thinking,

"Okay, but is he hot?
Can I have his number?"

Who gives a fuck?
What?

So I tested the waters.
I brought up

the drama that I was having
with the Italian,

and I was careful to mask
the pronouns.

I was saying "this person"
and "they,"

rather than "he" and "him."

I'm six and a half years older
than my sister,

and she's had to rely on me
a lot as a little sister.

But in
the gay romance department,

they just have you beat,
you know?

So, I broke down the drama,

and she listened,
she gave me sound advice.

She was also careful to
dance around the pronouns.

And then I said,

"By the way, this is a guy."

She paused for a second.

And then completely unfazed,
she was like, "Oh, okay."

I was like,
"You're not surprised?"

She said, "No.

"When I was three,
you gave me cornrows."

Little braids. I did.

I'm a guncle,
that's gay uncle,

to my cousins'
beautiful kids.

Uh, I was watching them once
when they were three years old and nine months.

But after spending
a day with them,

you know,
I thought to myself,

"Oh, these children,
my God.

"You know what?
If I had a uterus,

"I would cut it out
to make sure I can never have kids!"

I would put it in a blender,

I would turn it
into a smoothie,

I would drink it.
I heard it's good for your skin.

I was at a show once
telling that,

and this lady was like,
"That's not the right part."

I was like, "What was it?"
She was like,

"It's supposed to be
your placenta."

I was like,
"Isn't that still cannibalism?"

It's still gross either way.

Just stating facts,
you know what I mean?

Parents,
if you're in the audience, God bless you.

God bless you,
'cause I could not do it.

Babysitting made me come to
the realization that 95% of successful parenting

is suicide prevention,

because all they try to do
is kill themselves!

That's all they do.

They're running up and down
cement steps.

Trying to lean into
the mall fountain, trying to pull out quarters.

I said, "Little girl,
the shit in your diaper weighs more than you.

"You will go
straight to the bottom."

I tried to give them a bath,
they tried to drown themselves.

Now, I have two naked babies
rolling around on this bed.

You're trying to put clothes
on one,

and then I have to
pinball the other one.

Oh, shit. Can't do that
with that leg.

I had pinballed
the other one...

away from the ledge.

You pull a goddamn groin muscle
babysitting these little shits.

Oh, and then Elijah,
the little one, right,

he's just so slippery
when wet.

He's always trying to
leap out of your arms,

just trying to leap,
just trying to jump

head first into
the goddamn linoleum floor.

Just leap, just oh, my...

Humpty Dumpty eggshell head

into the fucking floor.
Oh, my God!

I told my cousin Stephanie
honestly truly,

"It is a wonder why
more children don't die every single day,

"because they try
so goddamn hard."

Oh, and the lies,
the lies.

The psychopathic
narcissistic liars

that could give my exes
a run for their money.

Don't tell me you didn't try to
eat that rock.

I just saw you!

Trying to gaslight me,
you little lying shit?

Cannot wait for them
to grow up,

so I can support them
as adults, okay?

I will be there for my niece
when she needs me,

asking all the right questions,
like, "Ooh, girl, what you gonna do?"

"Go for it, it's Christmas."

These kids are so cute.

They're so cute.
I don't plan on having any of my own.

Surprise.
You know what I mean?

Because I value sleep,

a disposable income,
no undereye bags.

My life is very full.

I've been with my boyfriend
for over four years now.

Thank you.

And you know what? Thank you.
We do deserve that applause,

because gay men,
we are hoes with ADHD, so...

Four years is
a gay golden anniversary.

Our energy levels,
we're so different

that when we walk into
a room together,

people think he's autistic.

But we get along,
because he's so different.

He's white, he's 6'4",

he's mentally stable,
he's emotionally secure.

I do this.

He is a media archivist.

Fancy word for librarian.

It's a job
that makes you smarter, right?

I tell dick jokes
in bars and laundromats.

He has a Masters Degree
in library science.

I have to scream over
hardcore gay porn,

Kesha music videos,

and the betting plus
spin cycle.

I'm talking alpaca wool
and pots and pans.

There was something
very special about him from the very beginning.

On our second date,
he showed up with this mustache that he didn't have before.

And I was like, "Oh, Scruffy,
where did this come from?"

And he said, "Well, you
told me you liked guys with facial hair."

-Aww.
- He's sweet, right?

He looked like Hitler,
but he did it for me.

He's my Hitler, you know?

"Heil," you know what I mean?

He invaded my heart.

That's an occupation
I can get behind, you know?

We had our own
Battle of the Bulge.

He met me
when I drove a car.

Then my car got stolen
in front of his apartment,

and the insurance check
was miniscule.

I was like,
"What am I gonna do, buy a third of a car?"

So I got a motorcycle.

I just figured
life was too short. I wasn't getting any younger.

My boyfriend wasn't
too excited about the idea,

but he did say something to me
that was so romantic.

He said, "Honey,

"I am not gonna stay
with a vegetable."

And I said, "Babe,
if it's my time to go, it's my time to go."

And we're still together.

We've been
discussing marriage.

He wants a wedding,
which is unfortunate,

because I will not be there.
I'll marry him, okay.

I will sign the damn thing,
but I ain't going to no wedding.

No, no.
Because it's work, all right?

We've all been to weddings.

How much work is it
to get dressed up,

to look like you care?

It's a lot of work
to do all of that.

I was at a wedding
before the pandemic

where the DJ was
literally yelling at us.

And I mean yelling at us.

He was like,
"Jump up and down."

Like, "Raise the roof."

He said, "Lift the bride
and groom up

"in these heavy ass
oak chairs."

You been to those weddings?

He's 250!

Do I look like I have
any upper body strength?

You can go fuck yourselves.

Congratulations to
the heavy...

I'm sorry,
the happy bride and groom.

I will make
two exceptions, though.

I will go to your wedding
if, one,

I think you're gonna last
at least ten years.

Because don't
waste my time.

And two,

I will go to your wedding
if it's a gay wedding,

because yay equality, right?

Yay.

Yay equality.

I've worked too hard,
we've marched too long

for me to not have the privilege
of watching you ruin your life.

That fag wedding
better have ice sculptures, a ranch dressing fountain.

I better see sparklers
and bottle rockets

shoot out of the asses
of the fathers of the grooms.

I want a Dolly Parton drag queen
leading the Macarena.

Like, you throw me a party,
you understand?

And they put you through that
"how we met" slideshow.

Ugh! Those things
take forever.

You know
what I'm talking about? The how we met slideshow.

And the worst ones,
they start young.

They start so young.
Like, you know how awful this slideshow is gonna be

just based off of
the first photograph.

Like the younger
that thing is gonna be... Oh, my God.

And boy, did we luck out.

Boy, did we luck out
on this one,

because the first photograph,
poof!

An ultrasound.

Twenty-foot fetus
on the big screen.

That's exactly what
I wanna look at

right before I dig into
my jumbo shrimp.

Right? How romantic.

And then it starts, right?
Okay.

♪ There are places
I'll remember

Oh, look,
he's breastfeeding.

♪ All my life

♪ Though some have changed

She's taking a shit
in the bathtub.

♪ Some forever, not for better

Is he eating a goldfish?

♪ Some have gone
And some remain ♪

Oh, and those were all
photographs of them as teenagers.

Weird.

And then they meet,
and then it's 50 photos of them

making out
in different countries.

Which is disgusting, okay?

And then,
to make this torture worse...

they were ugly.
Oh, my God.

They were just
not good-looking.

They're just making out.

Just oh, no.

I'll tell you right now,

even if they had been
ten times hotter than Tyra Banks...

Not possible.

Ten times hotter than
Tyra Banks,

this would have been
barely tolerable.

And the worst part of this?

Dry Christian wedding.
No alcohol!

I had to sit through
the Guantanamo Bay

of how we met slideshows
with a Pellegrino.

They did have espresso.

I don't wanna be awake.
I want to die.

Do not ask me to give a toast,
because I will just...

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, Christians,

but like... I'm just kidding.
There's no Christians watching this.

But I'm pretty sure
the last time I read a Bible...

Whatever.

The last time a Bible was
thrown at me by an anti-gay protestor,

I'm pretty sure,
as I was peeling

one of those
tissue-thin pages off of my face...

Okay?

...and I was looking at myself
in the mirror, longingly,

and I was reading the text
that had been imprinted into my skin...

That's what happens
when you moisturize.

I am pretty sure

that Jesus turned
water into wine at a wedding.

So, if you truly
believe that

he is the son of God
who came from heaven to earth

to save you from our sins
and the Father,

the Son, the Holy Spirit
of the Trinity, three-in-one,

then you will
follow the word

and you will
get me shitfaced

by the time I pull my dick out
for the Macarena!

Ooh! That was a lot of
pull work there.

A little more than usual for even me.

Okay, all right.

Like I said,
I'm not supposed to be here.

Which makes me grateful
that I am here.

Because on any given day,

I encounter a million things
that try to take me out.

Last week, it was a car.

Most other days,
it's myself.

But every day so far,
I've gotten lucky,

and that is how I've survived.

Thank you.

You guys remember
my friend Tricia?

Yeah.

So, a few years ago,
she and I went camping

right before
the entire part of California was engulfed in forest fires.

And it's as if
the woods weren't gay enough, because I was there,

they literally went up in flames
a week later.

During the trip,
I was talking to

one of the guys in her group.
We had never met before,

but he had some
mixed Asian influence in there,

and I love connecting with
other Asian guys.

I was like,
"Oh, what are you?"

And he said, "I'm half German
and I'm half Chinese."

And I got excited,
because I'm Chinese.

And my friend Tricia,
before I could say anything,

she goes, "Oh. Uh, wow,
you don't look Chinese at all."

And he said,
"Thank you so much."

I was right here!

He was so grateful
he didn't look Chinese.

Like wha...

Sure sucks for us Asians
who aren't blessed with white camouflage, right?

Why don't you take
your Cloak of Invisibility

to the next insurrection
you fucking mutt. Like, what?

Thank God I had just been
sexually harassed that morning,

so my confidence
was sky-high.

You call me Elphaba,
because in that moment,

nothing that is or was
was ever gonna bring me down, baby.

That was for
my theater geeks.

I wanna say thank you again
for being here,

and supporting me
and supporting live comedy.

This means so much to me,
to our community.

There just was no way that
I wasn't going to be here,

even if I was gonna lie down
on a stretcher.

Right now, I don't walk,
but I still talk.

I know some of you came here
not knowing who I am,

but I am glad that
we were able to have this moment.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing
part of your evening with me.

You know,
it took me a long time to reparent myself,

to be okay with my flaws,

to find the comedy
in the drama.

And here I am.

Just your average
gay non-doctor.

You know?

Sorry to disappoint you.

But also,
go fuck yourself.

I don't know
what's in store for me in the journey that lies ahead.

Hopefully,
it involves walking.

But I'll tell you
one thing.

I will never be
an Instagram THOT.

Because I no longer need
a gym membership.

Instagram THOTs,
I know you're in here.

Knock it off, all right?
Listen to me.

Your whore photos
have nothing to do with equal rights.

It's low-class.

Guys and girls,
you both do this.

You get naked, okay,
you put on your thong.

This act, by the way,
before the injury was going to be amazing, so...

You get into
this ridiculous pose

with your
Winnie the Pooh ass.

And then,

underneath is
an inspirational quote.

"Hang in there.

"The best is yet to come."

It's inappropriate!

What about this position?

Okay, just everything
flapping out.

Just everything flapping.

Oh, and then, underneath,
you're gonna have a quote from Maya Angelou?

"I know why
the caged bird sings."

Bitch, no, you don't.

Put your bird
back in your cage.

Everybody, please,

for the sake of
the United Nations,

I need you to
report these people

everything, everywhere,
all at once.

If you see something,
say something.

Thank you very much, everybody.

Have a great
rest of the night.

Hank! Hank! Hank!

Hank! Hank! Hank!

Hank! Hank! Hank!

Hank! Hank! Hank!

Hank! Hank! Hank!

Hank! Hank! Hank!
Hank! Hank! Hank!