All language subtitles for A.Touch.Of.Cloth.S02E01E02.Undercover.Cloth

- [Teller] So we have
to repossess your house

and everything in it

and that stick you're leaning on.

- [Old Woman] It'll be hard to walk.

- [Teller] Then lie down and drag yourself

along with your lips.

- [Announcer] Cashier
number three, please.

- [Man] Today, help a blameless child?

Thank you, sir, thank you very much.

(tense music)

- Lay off it.

- [Man] Go get to smile and
put a smile on a kid's face.

Help a blameless child.

- Right, straight in, straight out.

No messing.

And Twitch, watch that trigger finger.

Mr. Macratty don't want no mistakes.

Go, go, go, go!

- [Man] Help a blameless child?

- [Twitch] No change, mate.

- Help a blameless child?

- [Animal] Woo!

- [Bullock] Go, go, go!

Everybody get down on the floor, now!

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.

- [Tumbler] Shut it.

(baby crying)

And you.

Uh-uh, eat it.

I said eat it!

- That's right, we'll even
stand on the bloody counters!

Any of you try and stop us,

you'll end up like these leaflets.

- Reckon you'll be telling
your grandkids about this, eh?

- I'm gay.

- Right, well, you can
turn it into a musical

- Go on!

- Oi, don't try and be a hero.

- [Announcer] Robber number one, please.

- It's okay, I'm a cop.

- You're Todd Carty.

- And a cop.

- [Tumbler] No one said it'd be locked.

- Why's it locked?

- New guidelines.

We have to lock the money up
so the notes don't blow away

if there's a draft.

- [Bullock] Right, get it open
or I'm gonna do your knees.

- I haven't got a niece.

- [Bullock] Code, now!

- Two, two, double two, then
two twos and two more twos.

Double two again, two, two, two, two,

two, two, two, two and two.

- [Bullock] Go, go, go, go. Go.

- [Animal] Woo!

- Who's whispering?

Hey, are you talking to God?

Do you wanna talk to him face to face?

Does God even have a face?

Well, does he?

- Not in any meaningful
anthropomorphic sense.

- I don't talk ponce-a-nese.

(vicar grunts)

- Leave the ponce alone.

Now drop it.

- You ain't got the guts.

- Maybe not, but I've got the balls.

Two of them, big as mangoes.

Each as warm and heavy as a baby's head

with a similar covering of fine hair

and tendency to wrinkle
up when I need feeding.

Now put the gun down.

- No.

- Don't I know you from somewhere?

- That's rich, coming from you.

- You sound just like this little scrote

that used to cause trouble on my patch.

They called you Twitch.

- No, they never.

- What was your guv'nor's
name again, Macreedy?

- Macratty!

And that ain't his name, anyway.

Stop with the mind games!

- [Todd] Macratty's not
gonna be happy with you.

- [Tumbler] Stay back.

- Or what?

You'll shoot me?

Go ahead I don't care.

I've got nothing to
lose, I'm crazy, you see?

Loco.

And don't even think
about taking her hostage.

- I hadn't.

- Good.

- Come here!

Now you drop it, otherwise her
kid's gonna grow up a widow.

(baby crying)

(tense music)

(gunshot bangs)

(somber vocal music)

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Come on!

- [Animal] Woo!

- Go, go, go, go, go.

Twitch, you idiot!

What did I tell you?

- [Twitch] It was him or me.

- [Bullock] Get up.

Come on.

Out of the way, go.

- [Man] They shot Todd Carty.

- [Announcer] Robber number five, please.

(tense music)

(energetic music)

(somber music)

♪ CMN ♪

- [Reporter] We're interrupting that music

for a Crimi-News update.

We're hearing about an armed bank robbery

in the City of Town.

There are reports of casualties

but it's not yet clear how many are dead

or which brilliant yet tortured policeman

might soon be on the tail of the culprit.

- I don't play those games any more.

- Sorry, are we gonna be
sitting here much longer?

It's just that my flight's at 2:30

and the airport's a fair distance, so.

Oh, great.

- When I become mayor,

crimes like this will
be a thing of the past,

like Max Headroom, the Renaissance.

- Aggressive armed robbery.

Four armed men wearing
stockings, 15 denier, back seam.

Six pound 49 from department stores

and, or larger branches of Boots.

- [Anne] Who's that on the steps?

- [Asap] Mayoral candidate Hope Goodgirl.

Center-right, libertarian,
currently unmarried, feisty,

blood group AB, 5,000 Twitter followers.

Mobile number 0, double seven--

- Whoever she is, she's in our way.

This is a crime scene.

Now fold up your typewriters and leave.

- Visible policing.

You're an inspiration.

- [Anne] And you're an obstruction.

- The force could use
more bodies like yours.

Here's my card.

Let me slide my fingers

into that warm little pocket of yours.

- [Man] Help a blameless child.

- [Announcer] Witness number one, please.

- They even shot the owl.

- Why would a bank have an owl?

- All banks do.

- Where's the manager?

- Roger Quiver.

- I'm pretty sure that's
what they looked like.

- Left-handed, golf handicap
15, never eaten moussaka,

enjoys Homes Under the
Hammer and Steely Dan.

- DI Anne Oldman.

The men who did this,

was there anything
distinguishing about them?

Accents, stature, hobbies?

- [Announcer] Witness number two, please.

- [Anne] Thank you.

If you think of anything.

- [Roger] Wait.

- What about their weight?

- They looked, normal.

I mean they were made of skin.

But one of them had a tattoo.

- Sketch it for me.

Asap.

- [Asap] Guv!

- Get this to the boys
down the station, Asap.

- Got it.
- Des.

Des?

- Poor bastard wasn't even on duty.

Just popped in to look at the money.

- Paid the ultimate price trying to save

a member of the public.

Killed by his own dedication.

- Killed by a bullet, actually.

- At least he died a hero.

- The kind of hero that shits himself.

It seems fearless Mr.
Carty bravely defecated

as the bullet went in

which either indicates terror
or a severe lead allergy.

- Try focusing on the evidence, Natasha.

- I have.

Carty may have brown-buttered his britches

like a petrified girl,

but at least he had the presence of mind

to write that as he died.

- [Anne] I assume it's a lead.

- It says Macratty, not
that it's easy to tell.

He ran out of room and had to
scrunch the last letters up.

Hero he may have been.

Typographer he was not.

- Should've measured it
out in his head first.

- Macratty.

Is that all he wrote?

- No, he also did some doodling
as they tried to revive him.

Looks like he was bored.

Oh, and he was clutching
this in his other hand.

Some sort of rag.

Perhaps he was planning
to mop up after himself.

- At least someone's tried
to clean up this mess.

Even if they were selfish enough

to turn dead in the process.

Don't expect you've generated
any evidence of your own?

- Not much but whoever did this, sir,

knew what they were doing.

- I don't care if they knew

all four members of the Vengaboys.

I'm the big man round here

and I want them caught, and caught hard.

Have you seen our crime statistics lately?

No, because someone stole them.

Together with a kilo of heroin

from the vice squad tuck shop.

It's not good enough, Oldman.

- Oldman, sir.

- It's not good enough, Oldman.

You wanted a promotion.

I suggest you earn it.

And I also suggest you
watch me leave, grandly.

(dark music)

- [Announcer] Chaplain number two, please.

- [Interviewer] Assistant Chief Constable!

- [Mitt] Chief Constable,
Mitt Sniff, The Mirror.

How much was taken?

- A figure in the region of many pounds.

- Robin Stork, Birdwatching Now.

Is it true they shot the owl?

I heard it was a tawny owl,
they're increasingly rare.

- Yes, in the face.

- Jill Tits, Pestering Journalist.

Is the force losing control?

- What's that word women use?

No.

- What about the rumors
regarding your leadership?

- What rumors?

- That no one trusts you

since that string of
baroque revenge killings

you carried out last year.

- There was a full inquiry.

I apologized and I went on
a rehabilitation course,

so as far as everyone is concerned,

that is the end of the matter.

- Does everyone include Jack Cloth?

(tense music)

- Jack Cloth is ancient history.

He's last week's hummus.

Burnt out, washed up and bummed off.

He quit the force, he's
out, he's gone away-o.

And as far as I'm concerned,

that's the opposite of bad riddance.

We never so much as mention
his name round here.

- [Anne] We need Cloth, now.

- What?

- Look.

- Get rid of these vermin.

(guard speaking in foreign language)

- [Dave] Dave Clegg, Victim Today.

Are we being led to our deaths?

- In my office.

(guard speaking in foreign language)

That man turned his back on the force.

There's no second chances
in this job, usually.

- I don't like it any more than you do.

The situation between Jack and me, it's

complicated.

- Complicated?

- It's not just complicated

But painful.

- Things got messy on Jack's last case.

Too messy.

- No!

- I know, but Todd died
giving us this lead.

If we don't follow it up,

it's like he died for nothing

in some pre-titles opening sequence.

There's no choice, we need Jack back.

- No one's heard sight of
him since he left the force.

Do you think he'll ever forgive
me for what I did to Kate?

- Jack doesn't blame you, Tom.

He blames himself.

- There you go, my love.

All nice and neat, just
the way you like it.

(somber music)

- [Anne] I remember when
you used to trim my garden.

Hello, Jack.

- I thought you never wanted
to see me again, Oldman.

- Oldman.

- I thought you never wanted
to see me again, Oldman.

- I didn't.

- So then why are you here?

- The boys down the station,

they need your help with something.

- I don't fix vending machines anymore.

- There was a bank job.

- I read about it on the
radio, looks complicated.

Also looks like it's none of my business.

- Jack, they shot the owl.

- Owls die.

- They shot Todd too.

- Don't tell me he's dead.

Is he dead?

- Yes.

- Agh!

I said don't tell me.

- Before he died, Todd
wrote a name in blood.

Macratty.

(tense music)

- Michael Macratty.

- You know him?

- Only by reputation.

If it's unpleasant and
unlegal, he's into it.

Guns, drugs, gluing dogs to planks

and throwing them out of helicopters.

- What does he look like?

- We don't know.

Macratty's like a ghost.

- Timothy Claypole?

- He can't be caught.

- We could catch him.

Together.

Jack, you know Macratty's world.

You've lived on Earth
the whole of your life.

It's like you were born there.

- I was born in hell the day my wife died.

- [Woman] Egg and sweets with toast.

- I know you wanna bring Macratty down.

You're still hungry.

I can see it.

- You expect me to put this down

and come and work for Tom Boss?

I've got two words for you, no.

- Boss went on a course.

He hasn't killed anyone in months.

- Both answers are still no.

- Jack!

If this is about what
happened between us--

- Nothing happened between us.

And nothing ever will again.

- That's a lie and you know it.

- Lean closer and say that.

- I said that's a lie and I want you.

- Closer.

- I want you Jack, is that enough?

I was wrong to leave.

I cry so much these days,

my face thinks it lives underwater.

I need you, you bastard.

I need you in me right here, right now.

- When I said no, I meant no.

And no.

- Jack, wait.

- You don't want me anyway.

You're gay.

- Bi, Jack.

- [Woman] Egg and cheese.

(somber music)

- [Reporter] The funeral of
beloved actor-turned policeman

Todd Carty took place today,

as a stunned nation entered its fifth

official day of mourning.

Friends and colleagues of Carty

continued to pay their respects

and make specific requests

of embittered hard-drinking mavericks.

- Why would someone shoot Todd?

Todd never shot anyone.

- Not on purpose.

- Someone should avenge him.

- Someone Scottish.

- The person who did this
is walking around free,

while Todd, he's lying in
the ground like a parsnip.

Never been so angry since Willmott-Brown.

I'm sick to the tits.

- In all my years as an officer,

I've never seen a crime
shatter a community like this.

I mean look around, their
eyes, they're pissing tears.

It's like they can't believe it.

They don't want to believe it.

They're like, "Oh, no, not Todd.

"Oh, no, not Todd.

"Oh, please, not Todd."

That's what they're like.

- Someone in a position
to do something about this

has to ensure justice is done.

They need to stop being so bloody maudlin,

put down that drink,

rejoin the force and stride
manfully into the briefing room

saying, "Okay, listen up.

"It's time to catch these bastards."

- Okay, listen up.

It's time to catch these bastards.

This is crime boss and
mega-turd Michael Macratty.

As you can see, he's mysterious.

So mysterious we don't even
know what he looks like.

- But we know he's black.

- That's just an artist's impression.

- Macratty's as slippery
as greased Hellmann's,

as unpredictable as a
werewolf on malaria pills.

Long suspected to be behind a series

of increasingly audacious
scrap metal thefts.

He's recently graduated to
armed robbery and murder.

We somehow have to prove a
link between him and this.

We need to map Macratty's network.

I wanna find out who he
knows, where he goes,

what he does, in which size gloves.

What he eats, how he sleeps,

under blankets? Under sheets?

Is he single?

Is he taken?

How crispy does he like his bacon?

Upper, middle, working class?

Which hand's employed to wipe his arse?

What's his blood group?

What's his sign?

What's his take on Palestine?

Who's his mother?

Who's his dad?

Has he read Beevor's Stalingrad?

What's his height?

What's his weight?

How often does he masturbate?

Is he churlish, shy or chatty?

Who is the real Mike Macratty?

Solve these riddles if you can

and together, we can stop this man.

Any questions?

Okay, let's police.

Qureshi, set up a wiretap,
we're gonna need monitors,

microphones, lights, Steadicam operators

and some sort of distribution deal

for first-run satellite and DVD rights.

- I'm on it, guv.

- Anne, Des, we're gonna sit in a car

looking at a scrap yard.

Think you can handle that?

- Is the car on fire?

- Absolutely not.

- Piece of piss, guv.

(Tom clearing throat)

- What's that?

- It's a prehensile extremity used

to manipulate the environment.

To offer friendship.

- That hand killed my wife.

- Actually that was this hand.

- A murderer and a pedant?

You're pathetic.

- I hear you're back on board

for the Macratty investigation.

It's good to have you back, Jack.

- I'm doing this for Todd and the owl.

Not you.

You're nothing to me.

I wouldn't cross the street

to watch you urinate into a teacup.

- I'm sorry about Kate.

- Don't you ever say her name.

- What, Kate?

(Jack grunts)

- Stop it, jack, stop it.

No one's expecting you to like each other.

But you're working together.

Think of Todd.

- Oh, fuck Todd.

- [Mrs. McCluskey] Oh!

- I'm sorry you had to
hear that, Mrs. McCluskey.

And I'm sure Jack is sorry too.

- Oh.

- Both of you, shake hands.

- I'll shake your hand

but don't expect me to hold you down

and kiss you roughly on the mouth.

- I don't.

- Good.

(steady tense music)

Guy in the t-shirt is
one of Macratty's goons.

You and Des go see what
you can get out of him.

- [Anne] Is Macratty in?

- Who wants to know?

- Police.

- Not here.

- What's your name?

- Who wants to know?

- Us again.

- [Bullock] Hairy hand.

- Oh, you can read then, whoever you are.

- They call me Bullock.

(Bullock grunts)

- Has Macratty been here today?

- Who wants to know?

- Tell you what, Bullock.

I'll make it simple.

Where were you Wednesday morning, 12:30?

And before you ask who
wants to know, I do.

- I was here.

All day.

- Anyone that can back that up?

- Tumbler can.

Isn't that right, Tumbler?

- He was here all day.

(tense music)

- Where'd you get the tattoo?

- I don't ask questions.

- [Anne] Don't you?

- Who wants to know?

- Thought you said you
don't ask questions.

- Where will we find Macratty?

- Mm-mm.

By the way,

there's something I'm not telling you.

(tense music)

- There's something he's not telling us.

- Not yet.

Not with his mouth.

- What does that mean?

- I don't know.

(tense music)

Our first mark.

Street name, Bullock.

Tattoo puts him at the scene.

Get close to Bullock, he'll
lead us straight to Macratty.

The question is, how do we earn his trust?

- With some sausages?

- With a disguise.

I'm going undercover.

- If they find out you're police,

they'll shoot you in the head.

- So what?

- Or cut your throat open

and pull your tongue through the hole

so it flops around like a necktie.

- Nothing I can't handle.

- Or drive you to Swanage
and just leave you there.

- I love Swanage.

- Jack, they're right.

You can't go undercover, it's too risky.

You could die.

- I've got nothing to live for anyway.

- That's not true, Jack.

- Isn't it?

What do I have to look forward to?

I don't even have any
DVD box sets on the go.

- Things change, Jack.

- Pain never changes.

Look at me, I've lost
everything I ever cared about.

Even my shoes.

- Not everything, Jack.

- Don't.

Can't you see?

You'd be kissing a dead man.

Fellating a corpse.

Rimming a--

- I don't care.

- Maybe not, but so do I.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Hope] Anne Oldman?

- It's pronounced Oldman.

Who is this?

- Mayor-in-waiting Hope Goodgirl.

Pronounced just how I said it.

Is this a good time?

- Who gave you this number?

- 999, you're in the book.

- [Anne] This better be important.

I don't have time for
a sub-plot right now.

- Prickly, I'll keep it short.

The future fascinates me.

Does it fascinate you?

- Yes.

No, I don't know.

- Well, it should.

I'd like to discuss your future.

Maybe over dinner?

- [Anne] Okay, fine, whatever.

- [Hope] Tonight, Sappho
restaurant Ladyglove Street.

Don't let me down.

- Okay.

(tense music)

- [Jack] These guys
are ruthless criminals.

The only way to earn their respect

is to walk in there and pay
them absolutely no respect.

This wire of yours better be discreet.

- Don't worry, guv.

It's invisible to the naked eye.

Apart from this transmitter.

- Okay, the important thing
about these operations

is to stay in character.

So, ask me some questions, test me.

- Where'd you get the goods from?

- Stole them, illegally.

- You done time?

- Five-stretch, Belmarsh, GBH.

Kicked a nonce to death with his own leg.

- You a copper?

- Probably not.

- [Anne] What's your name?

- Jacques.

- That is your name.

- This is spelt J-A-C-Q-U-E-S, Jacques.

But pronouncing it Jack, means
that if anyone calls my name,

I'll react naturally, as
though Jack was my name,

which it is.

Try it.

- Jack?

Yeah.

- Jack.
- Yeah.

- Jack.
- Hello.

- Jack, wait.

Don't forget which side you're on.

- I'm not on a side.

I'm on the edge, and
edges don't have sides.

- No, I meant this side.

(vehicle horn beeping)

Opens onto the road.

(tense music)

- [Bullock] Check it out.

What's your name?

- Jacques.

Pronounced Jack.

- Jacques what?

- My surname?

It's, er.

Copper

- [Bullock] Jack Copper?

- Pronounced Coppaire.

Jack Coppaire.

Do you have a name

or do you just go by
that distinctive odour?

- Bullock.

I don't like smart asses.

- Huh, what kind do you like?

Little pink ones?

- He's a comedian.

Tell us a joke, funny man.

- What's the difference

between a King Edward and your mother?

- Surprise me.

- One's a potato, the other's a whore.

- He's gonna over-cock.

- Jack knows what he's doing.

(grunting)

(grunting)

(meter beeping)

(grunting)

That's your mother on "What's My Line?".

- Hope you like the taste
of fists, funny man.

- Not as much as she does.

Although she doesn't take them orally.

- He's right.

It's a car.

- I've seen cars before.

Yeah, but you break that car down

and you've got at least 400 pounds

worth of scrap metal on your hands.

- 400?

(whistles)

- You can get your hands
on more motors, can you?

- Is the pope a Catholic?

- What's a pope?

- I can get more motors
than you can think of.

- More than six?

- Will they all have wheels?

- Doors too.

And not just cars.

Trains, planes, submarines, mole-machines.

You want a battleship?

I can hotwire one like that.

Now, do we have a deal,

or are we just jerking
each other's tits here?

- Let's go see the boss.

(tense music)

- [Anne] Sounds like we're in.

♪ Entering Macratty's club ♪

♪ Walking slow-mo like a thug ♪

♪ Bullock leading Cloth inside ♪

♪ They a pair a macho guys ♪

♪ Walking with a manly stride ♪

♪ Like us, be picking spots ♪

♪ Junk is full of piss and stuff ♪

♪ Ain't no place for Leslie Judge ♪

♪ Entering Macratty's lair ♪

♪ Filmed in slow-mo with some flare ♪

♪ That's a tough guy playing pool ♪

♪ And hey, he's got receded hair ♪

♪ McLean told them play the fool ♪

♪ Cloth just fix them with a stare ♪

♪ And the cop will the air ♪

♪ So they don't think
he's lying on flare ♪

♪ That's it, Cloth,
you're looking gritty ♪

♪ Like a dude who does graffiti ♪

♪ This guy don't keep him ♪

♪ Hey, this camera work is kinda pretty ♪

♪ Speed the footage, jump a bitty ♪

♪ Now slow down to show their titty ♪

♪ This tough act attuned to bitches ♪

♪ It is too a test to shitty ♪

♪ Entering Macratty's club ♪

♪ Walking slow-mo like a thug ♪

♪ Almost time to meet Macratty ♪

♪ Gosh, he's gonna need some luck ♪

♪ And some flashy edit cuts ♪

♪ All you up, he's gonna fuck ♪

♪ Yeah, you right he's gonna fuck ♪

♪ While Oldman's listening
in the truck, truck, truck ♪

♪ In the truck, truck ♪

- Mr. Macratty.

This calls itself Jack Coppaire.

- Does she, now?

- Nice place if you're into shit.

- [Asap] We've got to
get him out of there.

- Not yet, just give him a chance.

- I don't like lip.

- More of an arse man?

Like boyfriend, like son?

- Get us a pint of milk on
your way to the afterlife.

- Guv!

- Let's get him out of there.

- Shoot me if you want but
I've got something you need.

- Oxygen?

- Wait!

Jack's up to something.

- Merchandise.

- Where's this merchandise?

- Let's just say I had to
bring it through customs

in my brown suitcase.

- It's still there?

- I don't walk this way out of choice.

- [Macratty] Bullock, take a look.

(tense music)

- What's happening?

- Sounds like

someone's pulling a large skittle

out of a bucket of wet clay.

They've thrown summat on the table.

- What is it?

- A kind of furniture.

- And the thing they threw?

- According to the waveforms,

it's a kilo of
pharmaceutical grade heroin.

- From the vice squad tuck shop.

Jack, you've forgotten
which side you're on.

- Maybe you should've washed
your hands before dinner.

- Well?

Looks like I'm about to make a new friend.

- I'm not on Facebook.

(chuckling)

(chuckling)

(all laughing)

- That could've been sticky.

- Does this burn DVDs?

- Take a good look because
this is Michael Macratty.

- I thought he'd be bigger.

- And rounder.

- And have arms and legs.

- Well, this is just a photograph.

The real Macratty's 3D and in color.

- Like "Toy Story 3"?

- Of course, I like "Toy Story
3", it's absolutely magical

but that's irrelevant, Des.

We need to take a good hard
look at Macratty close up

and keep looking at him close up,

no matter who or what gets in the way.

- [Anne] Even if it means
we have to steal heroin

from the vice squad tuck
shop to earn his trust?

- You can't wipe away vile human scum

without getting your fingernails dirty.

Ask my cleaning lady,
she'll tell you in Polish.

- But you stealing that
heroin makes no sense, guv.

- Why?

Because it's wrong?

- Because you weren't even working here

when Boss said it'd gone back at the bank.

- So?

- So, it's against all
established rules of narrative.

- I don't have time
for rules of narrative.

- But in terms of continuity alone--

- Forget continuity!

Sometimes you've got to break
the law to protect the law.

I'll steal that heroin before
it exists if I have to.

And there's not a damn
thing you can do to stop me.

- Jack!

You're forgetting which side you're on.

Not Macratty's side, our side, homicide.

(phone beeping)

Work it out amongst yourselves.

I've got somewhere to be.

- Mm, I love eating out.

Do you love eating out?

I love eating out.

Oh, I'll have the lesbian special, please.

- Mm-hm, okay.

- Why don't you try the clam?

It comes drenched in its own juices.

You'll lap it up.

- I'll take that.

- Great.

- Here's to our future job prospects.

- Our prospects?

- When I become mayor, which I will,

I'll need a new chief of police.

- What?

What about Tom Boss?

- Tom Boss will be replaced.

- [Anne] He'll be
devastated to lose his job.

- He's a big man, he can take it.

- [Anne] He's a great policeman.

- Who murdered 13 people.

- Apart from that.

- A leopard can't change its tune.

Maybe you should keep an eye on him.

- When he's not near a sword,
I trust Tom Boss with my life.

- Loyal.

I like that.

- And you're upfront.

- Upfront is good.

Do you like it upfront?

Or would you prefer us to lie side by side

and rub our fannies
together like two pieces

of chamois leather?

In the nude.

I look forward to us working together.

Mm, I think your clam is ready.

And it's absolutely steaming.

- Hey.

- I think Macratty's about to say

some important dialogue to Jack.

- I think you might be able to help me out

with something, Jack.

I need an extra pair of hands
on a job that's coming up,

someone high up is calling.

The Big Man needs us to
hit the local museum,

top secret, top dollar, top pocket,

top gear, top bollocks, top
hat, white tie and tails.

- We're not meant to talk about that.

What if someone's listening on headphones?

- Shut it.

- No, The Big Man said
we're not meant to--

- I said shut it!

Eat your lolly.

- There's someone above Macratty.

Run a search for Big Man.

- I'm on it.

Okay.

Got a description for Big Man.

Black, well-built, distinctive ribs,

wipes clean for storage,

twin-speed with pulse function,
takes four AA batteries.

- Add it to the shopping basket.

- Stay loyal, and I'll
look after you, Coppaire.

Betray me and I'll rip you inside out

from your arsehole to your teeth.

You'll be staring at the
back of your own head

while I use your guts for a skipping rope.

I'll tear you into eight
pieces and rearrange you

into sort of an octopus.

- [Katya] Darling?

- Katya.

- Everything is okay?

I hear men voices and I scared.

- Just business talk, sugar-slit.

Want you to meet our new
friend Jacques, Katya.

- Hello, Jacques.

- It's pronounced Jack.

- I think you should extend Mr. Coppaire

the usual hospitality.

- Yes, darling.

- I don't need second-hand goods.

- Oi.

Mr. Macratty doesn't like
having his generosity

slung back in his face.

- And I don't like it
rammed down my throat.

- No, but Katya does.

(laughing)

Eh? (laughing)

Go on, son.

- She going gobble you
up like rice and pea.

She slurp you down to you bone marrow,

leave you with hollow legs boy.

Hear me now?

She going suck out all
the know-how in you brain,

till you drooling inna cripple style

like them "Diving Bell
Butterfly", mister man.

There--

- That's enough, Nigel.

This is a classy establishment.

Let's go and listen to them do it.

I wanna hear it going in to
see if he's a cop or not.

- You don't have to do this.

You don't have to do that.

You don't have to touch those.

- I don't wanna hear this.

- I'll cover it.

Leave me in here, if you like.

- Come, take off shirt.

- Just play with those for
an hour, that'll do me.

- I wanna see what you have under here.

- No.

- Why so shy?

Why you?

What is this?

(high-pitched ringing)

(grunts)

- [Anne] Oh, my God.

- She must've found his cable.

- Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

- This shaver with bullet in?

- It has sentimental value.

(grunts)

I wondered why I put that in there.

No, I'll keep my clothes on.

That's the way I like it.

Complex body image issues.

- Okay, you stay dress
while do me up like this.

- I don't think my old man would approve.

- Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

- Look, I had quite a big breakfast.

- You must have me.

- Fried bread and everything, so--

- Please, Mr. Macratty he
throws me out on streets

if I not satisfy his man guests.

- Well, I'll just tell
him I was satisfied.

- They listen outside.

We must have sex on here now.

- Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

- Wait!
- Bloody hell.

- He's turned on.

(Jack and Katya moaning and grunting)

- [Jack] Bloody hell, that's.

(Jack and Katya moaning and grunting)

- [Katya] Oh, yeah.

You like bum and also buttock?

- [Jack] Oh, both halves
of the bum are great.

- [Katya] Come round to front

Conventional orifice is nicer.

- Jack's forgotten which side he's on.

- Do you think she'll blow it?

- [Katya] I am in your balls.

- He's in too deep.

- If he doesn't pull out soon,

there'll be one hell of a mess in there.

(Katya moaning)

(somber music)

(Jack and Katya moaning and grunting)

- You're not like others, Jack.

Most men do sex, then turn over and snore

and do guff stink from poo-pipe.

You different.

- And you're too good for this.

- I know.

Mr. Macratty ship me from
homeland inside big tin.

He promise a good job as
CEO of Marks & Spencer

with own car, health
insurance and share options.

But when I get here, it
only last nine years.

Now he treat me like
rubber dolly full of air

with mouth like this.

I miss family back in Ukraine.

My little brother Lukaz,

he loss eyesight working in egg mine.

My mother go mad, grow beard.

How they cope?

Now Mr. Macratty say museum job
very shocking and important,

writer's not certain this
plot point quite clear,

so they record me, say this later.

That's why picture still on
you and not show me talk.

Macratty also say he kill
anyone who get in way.

I not know what to do.

You am help me?

- I am help you.

- [Katya] Thank you.

(tense ambient music)

(intercom ringing)

- Sorry to call so late.

- Well, that's all right.

I don't have much to do tomorrow.

Just hand over check
on a charity telephone

and write my manifesto.

Would you like a glass of wine?

- Yes.

No.

I don't know, I don't know why I came.

I just--

- Let's get you out of this wet things.

- I'm not wet.

- That makes one of us.

- Surely, when you're a police officer,

you don't have sex when you're undercover.

Or if you do, you stick to missionary.

Officers are just people.

- Take me, when the public look at me,

they see an ambitious, confident woman,

destined to rule over millions.

What they don't see

is the frightened little
girl behind the politician.

Jenny, go to bed, me
and the nice police lady

are gonna have sex.

- What?

I didn't come here for that.

- We both know that's not true.

(mellow music)

- We can't do this.

(mellow music)

(phone beeping)

- Don't forget this week,

it's Help a Blameless Child,

your chance to help a kiddiewink in need.

- They really do need your help

so please tune in this Friday and--

- Macratty's been getting
inside information

on these bank jobs.

Now, he's got a new plan, a bigger plan.

That's why this is feature-length DVD.

But why the museum?

Whatever that's about,
it's incredibly important.

I've got to stay in there,
stay close to Macratty,

keep on top of those people around him,

keep pumping, pumping, pumping,
till something comes up.

- Like Katya?

- Yes, I like Katya but not
the way you're thinking.

- I thought sex was a fragile,
precious thing to you.

That's what you used to shout

when you were doing me from behind.

- But--
- At least now

I know the truth.

You just ejaculate blankly and move on.

You're no better than Iain Duncan Smith.

- I didn't do anything with Katya!

I've got to stay undercover.

We just pretended to have sex.

Yeah, look at that nice bum.

- You like bum and also buttock.

- We had to, Macratty
was listening outside,

we had to be completely convincing

so Macratty wouldn't
guess what we were up to.

(grunting)

Yeah, put your clothes on now,

while I mop my enormous penis clean.

Dammit, I'm this close--

- Down.

- Better?

- Get down!

- Hello, hello, hello.

Enjoying your water, Miss Piggy?

- I'm trying to eat.

- You should try the breakfast.

I hear it's great.

How's yours, pal?

- It's not what you think,
I'm my twin brother.

He'll blow my cover, come on!

(tense music)

- [Man] Oh, help a blameless, oh!

Help a--

(thuds)
(grunts)

(gunshot bangs)

(gunshot banging)

(gunshot banging)

- Macratty, it's Tumbler!

Coppaire's a copper.

- [Anne] He's calling Macratty, Jack!

- Do you hear me?

A copper.

A pig, a snout, a filth,
a fuzz, a policeman.

Probably got the hat and everything.

The moment you hear this, have him killed.

- All right?

- All right.

- [Jack] Come on, Tumbler!

We know where you are.

- Shit!

- [Anne] Police!

- Oldman!

- Oldman!

(gunshot banging)

(gunshot banging)
(grunting)

Drop it!

(gunshot bangs)

Still drop it!

- I hope you like mortuary food.

(Tumbler yelling)

(Tumbler grunting)

(Tumbler grunting)

- Jesus H. Bomb.

What kind of monster would do that?

- [Bullock] Five of kings.

- That is impressive.

And here's me with nothing
more than the 13 of cocks.

Nigel, Scotch.

- Me not got no more Scotch!

Me's only got Dutch whiskey.

- Scotch, office, you, get.

(tense music)

- [Tom] Did we ever officially
identify this poor soul?

- Yes, but it wasn't easy.

His DNA was crushed
beyond all recognition.

Just like your career prospects.

- If we hadn't stopped him,
the case would never be closed.

Just like your legs.

- Bloke-bird.
- Jezebel.

- Fucker.
- Tit.

- Call me old-fashioned

but I prefer my suspects 100% less killed.

This operation had better
be going somewhere.

- Macratty's planning a heist

for someone called The Big Man.

We need to stick to
him like pubes on soap.

We've already got enough to have Macratty

sent down for weeks,
maybe even fortnights.

- You had no permission to run this wire.

Your evidence has broken
every rule in the book.

Habeas corpus, sanguin
bibimus, agnus deiton.

File this under shreds.

But you went against a direct order.

And Cloth's forgotten which side he's on.

Pull him off the case.

- He's already fingered Macratty.

- I don't care if he's
fingered Condoleezza Rice,

I said pull him off.

Or do I have to go next door
and pull him off myself?

- Be the first hands-on
police work you've ever done.

- I see your subtle undercover
operation continues apace.

You made so much mess it
showed up on Google Earth.

You were off the chart back there,

away with the fairies out
of Africa on the buses.

- I can't stop now.

I am this close to
forgetting which side I'm on.

- It's over.

Finito, what the Norwegians call finitos.

If I get so much of a whiff
that you're still pursuing this,

I'll find the staff rota and
have you cut from the same.

- But--

- Cut from the same, Cloth!

- [Jack] He can't shut
us down, I'm that close.

- I can't keep covering for you, Jack.

First the tuck shop heroin, now this.

Boys down the station
think you've forgotten

which side you're on.

- That's not true and you know it.

(phone ringing)

Jack Coppaire.

- Jack, we need to have a chat.

Things we need to discuss.

- I'll be right there.

- Good.

- [Jack] So, what's up?

- You heard about Tumbler?

- [Jack] What about him?

- He got killed.

19 minutes ago.

Someone put a bulldozer through his head.

- You found out quickly.

- It's trending on Twitter.

What would you know about that?

- It's a social networking service

that lets celebrities
communicate with sycophants.

- And Tumbler?

Dunno, does he have an account?

- Not now he's dead.

How do you think that happened?

- Maybe he got sloppy.

- So sloppy they had to
sluice him off the ground

with a hose.

Where were you when this was going on?

- I had some unfinished shopping.

- Give him a seat.

(Jack grunts)

Know what I think?

You're a stool pigeon.

A snake, a seat pig, a bench rat.

- [Bullock] A shit bull!

- Two shitbulls barking up a piss-pipe

with the word copper on top
in big police colored writing.

- Maybe but I'm not a cop.

- Slap him.

(thuds)
(grunts)

Give me one good reason

why I shouldn't blow your
brains out right now.

- They'll stain your lair.

- Tickle him.

(thuds)
(grunts)

You disappoint me, Jack.

- I told you, I'm not a cop.

Ask me how much I like
doing crime, out of 10.

You'd be surprised.

- Why don't we put that to the test?

Bring him in.

This is Twitch.

Twitch let me down, didn't you, Twitch?

Got trigger-happy in a bank,
shot a former EastEnder.

Shoot him.

- What?

- Shoot him in the head.

(tense music)

What you waiting for?

(Twitch sobbing)

- Come on.

Do it.

Do it for me!

Do it.

(thugs chuckling)

- You didn't think I'd hand
you a loaded gun, did you?

This one, on the other hand.

(gunshot bangs)
(Twitch grunts)

(gunshots banging)

At least we know you're not a policeman.

A pig wouldn't have been
able to pull the trigger.

Because pigs have trotters.

Anyway.

Now we're a man short for the museum job.

Need some new muscle, someone smart.

Know anyone with brains I can stomach?

- I'll chew it over.

- You do that.

- Ours is a proud city,
a city I'm proud to serve

and I'm not ashamed to
say that, I am proud.

In fact I'm proud of that pride,

but the city also has a
sickness at its heart,

a sickness of crime.

We need boots on the
ground, fists in the face.

But this isn't just about tackling crime,

it's about tackling the fear of crime.

Our police need to be more visible.

That's why my frontline initiative

won't just put 1,000 extra bobbies

on every single street of this city

but will dress them in these.

- Nincompiffle.

- Some might call this nincompiffle

but those backward thinkers are
precisely the kind of people

I'll replace as chief of police
when I become your mayor.

A vote for Goodgirl is a vote for hope.

- Attention, citizens.

Do not forget that tonight

is your chance to help a blameless child

with the telephones and all telephones.

- Yes, we'll have music, fun, laughter,

fun, music, laughter, fun,
music, more fun and money,

pledged by you, current citizens at home.

- [Konnie] Yep, so make
sure you tune in and--

- [Both] Help a blameless child!

- The body count's rising
like a mortgage full of blood.

It's more important than ever
to stay in with Macratty.

To do that, I need someone else with me.

- [Anne] Oh, for god's sake, Jack,

you forgot which side you're on.

We're over here.

- One of you needs to join me undercover.

Make no mistake, entering Macratty's world

means walking from the side
of justice right into a sewer.

- That's a sewer side mission.

- We need someone who
can assume a character

and be utterly convincing.

- If only Todd was still here.

- I won't lie to you.

Out of 10, your chances
of survival are nought.

Out of five, not much better.

To volunteer for this, you'd
have to be crazy or foolhardy.

- What does foolhardy mean?

- Okay, Des, you're in.

- Nice one, guv.

- Wait, what about Bullock?

He met Des at the scrapyard,

he even mentioned how
hairy his hands were.

- Hairy hand.

- He's gonna clock that immediately

and shoot him in the head.

- That's just a risk he'll have to take.

- He'll shoot you too.

- Well, dammit, who else can do it?

Who haven't they seen yet?

- If we shave Des's hands,

they won't recognize him.

- Nice work, Asap.

Des, you're gonna have
to be as sharp as him

or your life's on the line here.

Macratty's gang's got a vacancy.

The question is, can you fillet?

- I spent a summer in a
fishmonger's deboning salmon.

- That's good to know but be warned,

this is gonna take every ounce
of spunk you can muster, Des.

If you come, I'll expect
you to cover my back

and I mean completely cover it.

- Had yoghurt for breakfast, guv.

- Okay, let's car.

- [Woman] Excuse me, sir, no men allowed.

- I don't give a toss about
your penophobic door policy.

I'm important and angry

and you must let me through in that order.

- Ah, Mr. Boss, how
nice of you to interrupt

our regular power lunch
for a friendly shout.

- I don't care for upstart politicians

who publicly undermine me in print.

- Would you prefer it in person?

Ladies, this is Tom Boss, he's a twat.

(all laughing)

- You'd do well to remember
that you're not mayor yet

and fortunes change quickly in politics.

One minute, you're taking Marilyn
Monroe up the Oval Office,

the next, you've soiled a car seat

by a school book depository.

- Call the papers, tell them Mr. Boss

has taken leave of his senses.

- You'll regret this.

- And that his breath smells of Quavers.

- I may be leaving, but
I'm not going anywhere.

You won't get rid of me without a fight.

- I hope that's not a threat, Mr. Boss.

- I suppose you do, Ms. Goodgirl.

I suppose you do.

- Okay, should be undetectable

unless you cough or bend over suddenly.

- Let's go over your
cover story one more time.

Who are you?

- I'm me.

- Good, and where did you two meet?

- Guardian Soulmates.

- Oh, come on, Des, focus.

- Sorry, guv.

- And stop deferring to me.

You're not a cop, you're a criminal.

In there, it's dog eat dog.

It's a cathouse, a
horse fight, a cow poke.

Concentrate.

Where did we meet?

- I was doing a five-stretch in Belmarsh.

- How come you bonded?

- He got me a job in the prison aquarium.

- What were you in for?

- Swearing.

- What's your blood group?
- D minus.

- Who created Super Mario?

- Shigeru Miyamoto.

- Where was he born?

- Kyoto, Japan.

- What year?

- Oh, 19, oh.

- You better hope this doesn't come up.

- '52.

- Bonus round.

What do you get when you kiss a girl?

- You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.

- And after you do?

- She'll never phone ya.

- I'll?

- Never fall in love again.

- You're ready.

Let's go.

(steady music)

- Right, listen up.

This is the big one.

If you can't hack it,
there's always the door.

- [Bullock] Door's locked, boss.

- Some new meat round the table

so I'll do the how-d'yer-dos.

Me, you know.

Bullock, Tiger, Animal.

Coppaire.

Sadly Tumbler, as you
all know, has passed on,

due to circumstances and a
bulldozer beyond his control.

So taking his place is Des Sergeant here,

vouched for by our man Coppaire.

- Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

- Depends if you watch
your mum with her clients.

- Let me see your hands.

How do we know you're clean?

- You can sniff me arse if you like.

- We don't need another joker on this job.

We need somebody who can handle a shooter.

- Des is the best shot on the force.

And when I say on the force,

I mean in the world of crime.

- I hope you're right.

- Right, enough of the "Loose Women".

Got a job to do.

City of Town Museum.

A dusty retirement home
for cultural hand-me-downs,

historical bric-a-brac.

Also selling novelty pens, postcards,

and the educational Dino-Cress.

- Has it got an owl?

- No, but what it does have is this.

The largest exhibit of diamonds, rubies,

coins, cocaine, gold bullion

and more diamonds ever assembled.

Culture section in The
Independent gives it five stars,

says you should "Fight for a ticket."

The Times calls it "Truly dazzling."

I say let's nick it.

(all chuckling)

Main road here, entrance here.

Side exits here, here, here.

Any questions?

- How's the security?

- Tight, one whole guard.

- Working legs?

- Two of them.

(whistling)

And here he is, Doug
Handler, head of security.

51, 6'2", 12, 10, 6:30
to 12, six days a week,

18K per annum, bonus ball 16.

He's a man of routine.

19:30 to 20:00 walks the perimeter.

20:02, does a little burp.

20:04, bends down to
pick up a discarded bag.

That's where you come in.

- We'll never fit in that bag.

- You won't have to.

You'll be outside in the van.

Tiger, you drive.

Pick some proper music this time,

none of your Latin panpipes.

(tense music)

That's more like it.

Make your way up to the museum
just after closing time.

Get yourselves fired up,
ready to take on the guard

as he's sitting there
obliviously reading a book

with a portentous title.

He'll put down his book
to go about his rounds.

When he stretches, he lets out a sigh.

(groaning)

Covers the approach of your van.

They've put up a new poster
for the swimwear exhibit.

You have to allow three
extra seconds for him

to look at that before
he carries on his way.

Now, this is the tense bit

so don't lose your heads.

Do whatever you have to
do to stay 100% focused.

You've to be sharp

as that guard still prodding about.

Then he goes outside for a smoke.

He knows he shouldn't but he's addicted.

It's a bittersweet habit for him

because it reminds him of Michelle.

Michelle.

Now, she was a girl.

Time they spent together
in the summer of '78.

He thought it would last forever.

But, of course, nothing
lasts forever, gentlemen.

So here he is now, just
another poor schlub

with a bad habit and a worse back.

And no Michelle.

Smoke it up, mate, bollocks
to everything, yeah?

Anyway, when he lights up, be ready,

'cause the moment he coughs into his hand,

is the moment you unleash hell.

(coughing)

- Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Go go, go, go, go, get in there!

Go, go, go, go, go.

(tense music)

(gunshot banging)

- 20, 19, 18,

17, 16, 15,

14, 13, 12,

11, 10, nine, eight,

seven, seven, seven.

- [Bullock] Go, go, go.

- Six.

- Go, go, go, go.

- Five, four.

- Oi!
- Three, two.

I'm just gonna get my nephew

one of those Dino-Cress
things from the gift shop.

Seriously, I will be one second.

- This diamond job is a smoke screen.

There's something else in
that museum we're after.

The Big Man's offered top dollar for it.

This is where you'll find it.

(tense music)

- Sweet child of mine.

(phone buzzing)

Oldman.

- [Anne] Oldman.

- Macratty's not after the
diamonds, that's a decoy.

The real target is a nuclear detonator.

- A nuclear whatanator?

- It means there's a
bomb out there somewhere.

Call the hazmat squad, SOCO, MI5, CI5,

Interpol, Dempsey, Makepeace,
Earth, Wind & Fire.

- Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

- I'll take that.

- Jack?

Jack?
- I'm afraid bacon boy

is otherwise engaged

but if you'd like to hear
me blow his pig brains out,

stay on the line.

I'm going to enjoy this.

- Fine, shoot me like a coward.

You were always gutless.

Hanging round Macratty's tag nuts,

crying because he paid me
more attention than you.

- You shut your muncher!

- Couldn't stand the way
he looked at me, could you?

After everything you did for him.

You even did your hair
the way he liked it.

- I said shut it!

- He doesn't respect
you because you're weak.

Weak!

You even flinch at loud noises!

You're pathetic!

(grunting)

Purple Ronnie.

- Time

to die.

The bloody.

Time to die again.

(gunshot bangs)

- Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack!

Jack!

Jack?

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!
- Oh, help a blameless child.

- [Anne] Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack?

You're injured!

- I'll bleed when I'm dead.

- That's not how blood works.

Come on.

- Got these two, overpowered
them by releasing a scent.

- Where's Bullock?

- Got away with the detonator.

- That means there's a
bomb out there somewhere

and I'm gonna stop it,
even if I die before I can.

- [Asap] Guv!

- Katya!

Katya, no!

What happened?

Who did this to you?

- Mr. Macratty.

He, he, he--

- Try not to laugh.

- I know you police, Jack.

- How?

- [Katya] The phone message.

- She's going into flashback.

- [Katya] Tumbler leave
message, he say you copper.

I delete before you trouble.

- Why did he do this to you?

- He think I tell cops

about plan to steal two-stage bridgewire

thermonuclear detonator.

Or how you say, bomb?

- What's the target?

- The Big Man wants wipe out
the kids who don't be blame.

- Help a blameless child.

- Help a blameless child,
help a blameless child.

- [Both] Help a blameless child.

- They're blowing up the telethon.

Somebody tell the boys down the station.

- [Des] Tell the boys down the station.

- You say you help me--

- I'll help you, Katya.

I'll never let anyone hurt you again.

Somebody call an ambulance.

Katya, Katya.

Stay with me.

- She's gone, Jack.

- No!

No, don't take her, take me!

- No, Jack!

That won't bring her back!

- You don't know that.

- I do.

I also know she wouldn't want this.

She'd want you to catch
Macratty and The Big Man

to stop the bomb and save the day.

That way, her death
will have meaning, Jack!

Otherwise she's just another
dead Forkkrainian girl

on a marble-effect museum floor.

(somber music)

(yells)

(thuds)

(grunting)

- Let's go shut down this telethon.

- I'll call Boss.

- Whatever.

(lively music)

(audience applauding)

- Welcome back to Help a Blameless Child

where the totalizer currently
is standing at a whopping

9,575,432 pounds.

That's amazing.

- An incredible figure,
but it's not over yet.

Just as well there's still
plenty of goodness to come.

- [Director] Camera
two, close up on Konnie.

- [Cameraman] Okay.

- Camera three, on the totalizer.

- [Cameraman] Right you are.

- BA753, you are clear to land, over.

- [Pilot] Roger that,
wheels to land mode, over.

- Come on, once that thing's set,

we've got to be at least 38 miles away

or we'll be incinerated
and I'm fond of this shirt.

- [Bullock] Why does The Big Man

wanna blow this place up anyway?

- [Macratty] Climactic purposes.

Hurry up, set the trigger mechanism.

- Come on, come on.

Boss isn't answering.

(car horn beeping)

- Where the hell is he?

- [Hope] Tom Boss, what
are you doing here?

- Handing over a cheque
some of our officers raised

with a sponsored brutealathon.

They threw a suspect down
the stairs for seven hours.

- Most admirable.

How much did you raise?

- 100,001 pounds.

- Oh, my, you did do well.

- Yes.

- Almost there, let's do a summary.

- So, The Big Man paid
Macratty to commit crimes.

- And the bank jobs raised the
money for the bomb materials

and the museum heist
provided the detonator.

- So The Big Man's been
pulling the strings all along.

Macratty's just a puppet,
like Roland Rat or the Queen.

- But we still don't
know who this Big Man is.

- Whoever he is, he's Macratty's boss.

Boss, Boss, Boss, Boss.

- What about Tom Boss?

- He's a big man, he can take it.

- I'm the big man round here.

(tense music)

(tires screeching)

(grunting)

- Boss!

Boss is The Big Man.

- Why would Boss blow up the telethon?

- Boys down the station
think Goodgirl's planning

to get rid of him and
she's presenting a cheque.

- Come on!

(alarm wailing)

- [Asap] Guv!

Guv!

- Sorry, sir, that corridor leads

into the bowels of the building

into which no one shall pass.

- Is there a lavatory down there?

- Yes.

- Well, then let me through,

I ate some undercooked chicken earlier

and my backside is about to be sick.

- Now, listen--

- Do you want me to
stand here and defecate

with celebrities present?

No, well, let me through.

- Wow, so a big hand
everyone for Hope Goodgirl!

(audience applauding and cheering)

(tense music)

- Police, police, get out of my way.

Police, police!

- Clear the way!

(gunshots banging)

- [Anne] Where did that come from?

- I'll check it out.

You two take the gallery.

- Look, sorry you can't come
through here, this is restrict.

(attendees applauding)

- So really, any time, here's my card.

- Oh, thanks but--

- You will take it.

That's what I like to see.

- [Anne] Police!

- [Director] What's going on?

- [Anne] There's a nuclear
device in this building.

We need to shut down this broadcast now.

- But it's for charity.

- Millions will die if
you don't evacuate now.

- But Richard from Pointless
is about to juggle grapefruit.

- All right, after that.

But not a moment later.

- [Director] Okay, Richard, stand by.

(suspenseful music)

- Give it up, Tom.

It's over.

I said give it up!

- He can't hear you, Coppaire.

The blast from my gun popped his eardrums.

Why do you think I'm wearing
these protective headphones?

- What protective headphones?

- What?

(Tom grunts)

- [Director] Will you at
least let me warn the talent?

- Just do it.

- Rufus, Konnie?

Guys, it's going really well, great energy

but there is a nuclear
bomb in the building

so we might have to wrap
things up a bit early.

- All right, so will we
throw to an ad break or?

- Yeah, maybe, we're
gonna play that by ear.

- Cool.

(attendees applauding)

(upbeat music)

- [Macratty] You thought
you could fool me, Coppaire.

I knew you were filth from the start.

- No, you never.

(gunshot bangs)

- But Boss was The Big Man.

- He just come in here
looking for the toilet.

He was never The Big Man.

- Well, that, only leaves
one other major character.

- You didn't honestly
think a powerful lesbian

would turn out to be benevolent, did you?

That must never be allowed to happen.

- But why do this?

- Isn't it obvious?

Celebrities and blameless children,

blasted to oblivion on live television?

In HD?

The viewers would be horrified.

Then they'd watch it a
second time on catch-up

and be horrified all over again.

The word yikes would trend on Twitter

for 100,000 years.

And when the public is afraid,

they yearn for a strong
hand to guide them.

Someone with a record
for being tough on crime.

And the City of Town is just the start.

Once I control this backwater,

who knows where I'll rule next?

I could take this to
Downing Street or Swanage.

- I love Swanage.

I love Swanage.

I love Swanage.

I love Swanage.

You're insane.

- Is it insane to thirst for power?

Is it insane to reach
out and take what's yours

even when it isn't?

Is it insane to stand naked,

bathed in the moonlight, screaming

I laugh at the blood of the fallen,

for I am the taker of souls?

- Yes, it is.

- I don't wanna rush you Hope,

but we'd best shit off out
of here before this goes pop.

- Agreed.

You're gonna like this Cloth.

That bomb is hooked up to the totalizer.

- What?

- The moment the donations hit 10 million,

then farewell, blameless children,

and hello, Fuhrer Goodgirl.

- Not if I shoot you from the
ground unexpectedly first.

(gunshot bangs)
(grunts)

(gunshot banging)
(grunting)

- Come on, Macratty, come on.

Turn yourself in, while
there's still time.

- Work it up, you dirt box.

(grunting)

- [Jack] Oldman, The Big Man is Goodgirl.

I repeat, The Big Man is Goodgirl.

- Oh, my God.

- Goodgirl's The Big Man?

- [Jack] That too, and listen,

the bomb is linked to the totalizer.

If it hits 10 million, it'll blow.

- I'll take care of Goodgirl.

You stop the viewers
donating any more money.

- How am I gonna do that?

- Use the autocue.

- You'd better hurry. We're
coming back from a break

in five, four, three,

two, one.
(audience applauding)

- Hello and welcome back
to Help a Blameless Shit,

where our totalizer currently
stands at more than we need

and every penny you donate

is spent on providing
backrubs for racists.

- Yeah, because most of
the kids we've shown you

are simply making their symptoms up.

In fact, the only thing
they're suffering from

is acute lying syndrome.

- And remember, every
child you've seen tonight

is a Holocaust denier.

- Oh, keep, still.

- [Jack] I'm trying!

- No, hold his head.

- I'm trying.

(grunting)

(thuds)
(grunts)

- This one's for Tumbler.

(thuds)
(grunts)

This one's for Bullock.

(thuds)
(grunts)

- No, you killed Bullock, actually.

- Do you want me to shoot you again?

- No, thank you.

And this one's for being a--

(gunshot bangs)

- What does it taste of?

- Copper.

(grunting)

- Thanks, Oldman.

- Oldman.

- Thanks, Oldman.

Goodgirl's still out there.

- I'm on it.

- [Jack] Tom!

- It's no good, Jack.

It's not good.

I'm fading.

Everything's turning sepia.

- No, Tom, come on, stay with me.

Hold on, hold on.

- So George Osborne is
standing inside this costume

right now with a huge erection

and the more money you
pledge, the harder it gets.

- [Rufus] So for God's
sake, stop pledging money,

you dreadful, stinking scum.

- [Hope] Get out of my way!

- Hope, no!

- Venereal disease, Ebola
virus and pancreatic cancer.

(gunshot bangs)

(audience gasping)

(gunshot bang)

(thudding)
(grunting)

- Camera three, close-up
on the dark-haired one

kneeing the other one in the face.

Camera two, see if you
can get an up-skirt shot.

- [Crew] Konnie, it's not safe!

Come on!

(tense music)

(thuds)
(grunts)

(audience gasping)

(grunting)

(audience shrieking)

- We could have gone
places together, you and I.

- Like Center Parcs?

- Yes, like Center Parcs!

I offer you love and boundless power

and you toss it all away for what?

A man called Cloth?

- Yes.

- Well, I hope it was worth it.

(grunting)

(audience gasping)

- Camera one, a bit of windpipe

has just landed in Rufus's
hair, zoom in on that.

Camera two, close up on the owl's wound.

Camera one, see if you
can get me something,

anything with the geckos.

(mellow music)

- Thank you, Jack.

You need to brush your teeth.

- I never can save the good ones.

Kate, Todd, Katya.

A stranger dressed as an owl.

- Owls die, Jack.

You taught me that.

- Coming for a drink, guv?

- I've got to be somewhere.

- I'll give you a lift.

- I'll walk.

- But you live 12 miles away.

- And you're barefoot.

- [Asap] And it's freezing.

- Do I?

Am I?

Is it?

I hadn't noticed.

- I thought maybe you and I could

catch up.

- I'm catching up with someone else.

- But I don't understand.

- Nor do I.

That's just how feelings work.

- But you hate him.

- Love and hate don't mean anything,

they're just words we use to
describe meaningful feelings.

- He killed your wife.

- No one's perfect.

- But I love you, Jack!

I love you!

- Anne, you're a lesbian.

You've forgotten which side you're on.

- You can't love him.

You're straight.

- Bi, Anne.

(melancholic music)

- Help a blameless child?

(melancholic music)

- We're all women on the first day.

- Is it that obvious I'm new?

- Welcome to the rest of your life.

Welcome to hell.

- Oh, I got you that Twix, guv.

- Thank you.

- [Man] It's my brother.

- Your brother?

- His brother?

- His brother.

- You don't have any respect for anything

with knockers or a fanny.

- I believe the medical
term is quim, inspector.

- Des, I would love to
invite you upstairs but--

- But this car hasn't got an upstairs.

- [Kerry] It's good to know
there are female officers

I can really look up to round here.

- Please, not the face,
it has sentimental value.

- [Both] No!

(tense music)