Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: You unlock this door with the key of imagination.

Beyond it is another dimension.

A dimension of sound.

A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind.

You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance,

of things and ideas.

You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone.

[STATIC FROM DIFFERENT TV STATIONS]

WOMAN [ON TV]: Mother, I'm having a baby and I'd rather do it myself.

MAN: We'll have to operate at once, scalpel. Suture.

Watch it, Nurse!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Great dinner.

Glad you like it.

Tastes like corrugated plastic.

Keep being late. What do you expect?

I don't expect nothing. I'm just getting sick of it.

You're getting sick of it? How do you think I feel?

I don't get a man coming home. I get a used article from the cab.

Hey, cut it down to a roar, will you?

Remember, we got company. Anyway, I told you.

Guy hails me when I'm heading for the garage.

Have to haul him all the way up to… to… to Yonkers.

I've heard that one before.

One day Yonkers, one day LaGuardia Airport.

You don't fool me, Joe. Who's the chick?

Ah, you're crazy.

WOMAN [ON TV]: Mother.

Hey, how long is that guy gonna be? I got wrestling coming on.

Big tag team match.

Fat Louie and the Russian Duke versus the Panther Man and Sweeney.

You can't look me in the eye anymore, you're so guilty.

But don't jump out a window, Joe.

One of these days, I'll even up the score.

It'll be a real tight ball game.

You know, that good-looking Freddy Broome, the butcher,

he's always looking me over. You'd think I was Cleopatra.

Ah, shut up. What are you trying to do, start a fight?

Once that joker in there gets done fiddling,

I'm gonna watch wrestling and then flake out. I'm pooped.

I'll bet you are. You drove to Yonkers, maybe even went twice.

You shouldn't drive so much, Joe. You'll ruin your health!

MAN [ON TV]: Just $99.99.

How's it coming, Mike?

Who knows? It may live.

You've been at it an hour now. I could build a new set in half the time.

Oh? Is that so?

Sure, and you better get wise.

I didn't just step off the ferry from Jersey.

I know how you guys operate.

Do you?

Naturally. First you kill a five-buck hour.

Then you say you got to take the set down to the shop. Another 20 bucks.

Then you start switching tubes around at $2.50 a crack.

I get some poor sucker's old ones, and he gets mine.

It's a racket. That's what it is. A penny-ante cosa nostra.

So, save yourself a headache, see.

I ain't swinging for no big bills.

In that case, the set's ready.

What?

It's, uh, it's ready.

And this time, it's on me.

Free.

Hey, wait a minute!

Well, you can't win them all.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[STATIC CRACKLING]

Your wife, your wife! That's all I ever hear.

Hey, Phyllis, come on in. What do you know? We get Channel Ten.

If you were any kind of a man, you'd get rid of her.

Phyllis, hurry up, will you? Channel Ten!

I… I trusted you. I didn't hold anything back. I waited!

[WOMAN CRYING]

Aw, come on, don't cry. Do anything but don't cry, will you?

[WOMAN CONTINUES CRYING]

NARRATOR: Portrait of a TV fan. Name: Joe Britt.

Occupation: cab driver.

Tonight Mr. Britt is going to watch a really big show.

Something special for the cabby who's seen everything.

Joe Britt doesn't know it, but his flag is down and his meter's running,

and he's in high gear on his way to the Twilight Zone.

[ON TV] Marry me.

Marry you? Oh, now, look, baby,

we're talking about two different things.

Love is flowers and wine with the dinner.

Marriage is a floor mop and two pounds of hamburger.

Oh, well, I don't mind the hamburger. Uh, with onions.

[TURNS TV OFF]

What's the matter, Joe?

You struck dumb or something?

You big slob! You spilled the beer.

It's a good thing your mother gave us this rug.

I hate it, and anything, even beer stains, is an improvement.

Now, quit clowning. You say we can get Channel Ten?

Leave it alone.

What's the matter? Come on, Joe, I got dishes to do.

I said leave it alone!

What's the matter with you? You nuts or something?

You yell at me to come watch Channel Ten, and when I drop everything, you…

What's the matter, Joe? Is the set still on the blink?

Yes! That is, no!

There must be something screwy.

You know there's no Channel Ten around here.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I must be traffic happy or something.

I'll turn on the wrestling.

MAN: And now, ladies and gentlemen,

for the main event of the evening, we bring you a rematch

between those two titans of wrestling.

Those fearless performers of the physical arts.

The Wild Panther and the Russian Duke!

[CROWD CHEERING, BOOING]

What happened to the tag team? Fat Louie and Sweeney?

[CROWD ROARING]

[LOUD CHEERING]

JOE: Great dinner.

PHYLLIS: Glad you liked it.

Tastes like corrugated plastic.

Keep being late. What do you expect?

I don't expect nothing. I'm just getting sick of it.

You're getting sick of it? How do you think I feel?

I don't get a man coming home. I get a used article from the cab.

Hey, cut it down to a roar, will, you?

Remember, we got company. Anyway, I told you.

Guy hails me when I'm heading for the garage.

Have to haul him all the way up to… to… to Yonkers.

I've heard that one before.

One day Yonkers, one day LaGuardia Airport.

Joe?

[TV STATIC]

Joe!

Joe, wake up.

What's the matter?

Are you okay now?

What? What happened?

Well, I don't know. You… You probably fainted.

Feel better?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sure.

Must have been something I ate.

Yeah, it could be.

Didn't it taste like corrugated plastic?

Well, what did you expect? I had to heat it three times.

[STATIC]

[CLICKS TV OFF]

Listen, Joe, maybe it's your heart.

Why don't you go to bed, and I'll call a doctor?

No, there's just something mighty screwy with that television.

Are we off on that again?

Listen, Phyllis,

are you sure you never saw that repair guy before?

Now, I am gonna call a doctor.

Now, now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Phyllis,

what would you say if I told you that

that I saw myself on TV?

Huh! Were you smiling?

And what would you say if I told you

I saw you on TV?

You're cracked. You're losing your marbles.

That's what I figured you'd say.

Okay, forget it.

You're a stupid cow. A bird brain!

Or else you're up to something.

Joe, baby.

"Joe, baby." Never mind that "Joe, baby" stuff.

I'm on to you. You're trying to trap me!

Well, you'll have to get up mighty early in the morning, see?

You are sick.

Now, listen, you go back into the kitchen,

look up that repair guy in the phone book.

Tell him to come back here, you understand?

All right, Joe.

Because if he don't, I'll go down to his shop, wherever it is,

and drag him here! Who do you two think you're fooling with?

Okay, okay. I'll call him right away!

Meanwhile, you get in bed.

Hello, Dr. Saltman, this is Mrs. Britt.

Could you come right over, please?

[SHRIEKS]

I'll kill you!

[CACKLING]

Now turn on the TV, Joe!

You, you!

Come on! Come on! Give it up!

You, you… you call yourself a wife?

[SCREAMING]

You dirty…

[SCREAMING]

[JOE SNARLING]

Well, you will, huh?

Gonna kill me, are you?

I'll kill you!

Let me go!

[JOE CURSING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRYING] Phyllis.

Phyllis!

[SOBS] What have I done?

Phyllis. Phyllis!

[STATIC]

Now what's the matter, Joe?

Joe, what's the matter?

What's the matter?

Can't you hear? Can't you see?

Look!

Oh, God. It's a trick!

It's a trick! It's a trick!

[SOBBING]

Well, I've given him a sedative

and I'll write a prescription for some tranquilizers.

And we'll just have to wait and see.

Perhaps it would be wise for you to seek more expert advice.

I'm only a family doctor, you know,

and psychiatry is not my specialty.

However, I feel that your husband's condition could be relatively simple.

I read an interesting paper on research that

might apply to your husband's condition.

What condition, Doctor?

According to this article, it's possible for anyone to have delusions

directly attributable to our over-mechanized culture.

Really?

Mm. Now, you say he's a TV addict.

Perhaps he's been staring at this electronic blessing, the television set,

for so long that its life has become his.

Yeah?

And he's reached such a stage of confusion

that he no longer knows whether he's

watching the action or participating in it.

Now, mind you, this is not an illness affecting only the juvenile or moronic.

I, on occasion, have found myself asking for sutures and sponges

during operations performed by television surgeons. Oh.

Uh, but never mind.

In Mr. Britt's case, I… I rather feel he thinks he has murdered you.

What?

Or rather, that he will.

He seems to be quite bewildered regarding the past, present and future.

Well, in any case, it could be serious.

So, uh, would you have him in my office first thing in the morning, hm?

All right, Doctor.

And see that he gets a good night's rest tonight.

Good night.

Good night, Doctor.

You folks out there in TV land know Old Country Boy's not joshing you

when he tells you that this sale ain't gonna be going on much longer.

'Cause as fast we move 'em in now, we're gonna herd 'em out.

We buy by the herd, and we sells 'em by the herd.

For you folks uptown, that's called volume buying.

Well, now, shucks, about Old Country Boy can do with a buck he makes on a sale

is to keep the lights on, pay the ranch hands.

You know that Old Country Boy shoots straight with you.

He tells you right now if any of his beauties come up lame.

Will you take this little filly right here…

[STATIC HISSING]

JOE: Phyllis.

The doctor wants you to go to sleep. That's why he gave you a sedative.

I can't sleep. You wouldn't be able to, either,

if you'd seen what I did.

Well, stay awake.

Only, what you saw, I don't want to hear about it.

He told you?

Yes. He said not to worry.

He said… He said for you to just go to sleep and everything would be fine.

Is there anything I can get you?

No, no, that's okay. Phyllis.

Yes?

I gotta talk to you. Sit down.

Oh, no, you don't. Every time you start that, we wind up having a fight.

And if you don't mind, tonight I'm passing.

I'll make sure there's no fight. Don't you worry about that.

Anyway, I got nothing to fight with you about.

If anyone is to blame for us not getting along, it's me. Now, come on, sit down.

Oh, you are sick. You're not well, Joe.

If you were in your right noodle, you wouldn't talk like that.

No, I mean it. Come on, I mean it. Come on, sit down, honey.

Look, Phyllis,

you know, driving a cab is pretty lonely work.

You're all by yourself for hours and hours,

and in between times, people are yelling at you

to slow down, go ahead, to take Madison Avenue, to not take Madison Avenue,

to turn right, left, stop.

And on top of it, everybody says you're crooked.

So, when somebody comes along

and smiles at you and calls you "mister,"

well, maybe you go all to pieces and start to think

the moon and the stars are your private property

and that it's spring. Well, you act like a first-class donkey,

kicking up your heels like you were 17 or 18.

Get what I mean?

No.

Well, there ain't no point in drawing you pictures.

What I was trying to tell you is that, well, you know,

seeing you dead like that, it was an awful shock

and it… it made me realize that… well, you know what I'm trying to say.

No. Say it.

Okay, I will.

It took a shock like that to make me realize that…

That you are not…

Well, it's you I'm in love with.

I'm touched.

All right.

I'm really touched!

All right, don't get nasty.

What am I supposed to do, get all dewy and gooey?

Am I supposed to fall all over myself

because my husband of 27 years finally decides he loves me?

I didn't mean it that way.

After chasing half the Bronx and the entire borough of Manhattan,

you pin the blue ribbon on me, which means I win a used nitwit

to feed, to pamper, to keep and obey till death us do part!

Take it easy, Phyllis.

I'll take it easy. I'd take a butcher knife to you

if you weren't in bed and out of your right mind.

Who's out of his right mind?

You are! If you think I'm gonna take your dirty doings lying down.

So some guy hailed you on the way to the garage

and asked you to take him to Yonkers.

No wonder we've been short of money for the last month!

You've been blowing it all on that flea-bitten floozy!

Get out of here!

You bet I will!

If you think I'm gonna live with a man that's done what you've done,

giving you the best years of my life.

I trusted you!

Well, Mr. Britt, I'm gonna take you to court.

You and that fancy woman of yours, whoever she is!

Go ahead, if that's what you want!

That's the thanks I get for wanting to be honest.

That's the thanks I get for wanting to turn over a new leaf.

[TV STATIC CRACKLING]

Kill me. I'd like to see him try it.

I'll tear him limb from limb, the dirty, rotten cheat.

I don't know what I ever saw in her.

She ain't got no understanding.

She wouldn't know sympathy if it hopped up and bit her on the backside.

MAN [ON TV]: Your Honor, the prosecution objects

to these interruptions by the defense.

They've had their chance to refute the testimony of our expert witness,

and all they did was to put Dr. Saltman on the stand.

Now, even he testified that in his opinion,

the accused was sane when he committed the murder.

So, in this summation, when I demand the penalty of death…

Phyllis!

I'll "Phyllis" you!

Phyllis!

[STATIC CRACKLING]

What are you trying to do, drive me bugs?

How can you stand there listening to this?

[GAVEL BANGS]

Joseph Britt, you have been found guilty by a jury of your peers.

It is the judgment of this court that you be taken to the Sing Sing State Prison,

and there be kept in custody and put to death

in a manner provided by the law.

[STATIC]

How can you just stand there?

You must be bugs! What you see is in your mind, Joe,

and what you hear is your conscience.

There, take a good look!

Turn it off.

Why? It's just another program like wrestling.

Let's watch it together. I haven't had a good laugh all day.

Get out of my way, Phyllis!

Ooh, I'm so frightened. You scare me to death.

Oh, my, my, how rough you are.

Tell me what you see, Joe.

What did you see, Joe? Lady wrestlers?

What do you see, Joe? A burlesque show?

Fan dancers from Yonkers?

[GUFFAWING]

Yonkers? Fan dancers?

Did you see them, Joe? [GUFFAWING]

Yonkers, Yonkers, Yonkers!

Fan dancers!

[CACKLES]

Fan dance!

[CACKLING]

I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

[CACKLING] Now turn on the TV, Joe!

[GUFFAWING]

Give me… oh!

You, you. Come on, come on, give me that!

You… You… You call yourself a wife?

[SCREAMS]

You dirty…

[SHRIEKING]

Get off of me!

[SNARLING]

Well, you will, huh?

Gonna kill me, are you?

I'll kill you.

[SCREAMS]

[CRYING] Phyllis.

Phyllis!

[SOBBING] What have I done?

I didn't really mean it.

I killed her. I killed her.

Oh. Fix your set okay, mister?

You will recommend my service, won't you?

NARRATOR: The next time your TV set is on the blink,

when you're in the need of a first-rate repairman,

may we suggest our own specialist?

Factory-trained, prompt, honest, 24-hour service.

You won't find him in the phone book,

but his office is conveniently located in the Twilight Zone.

PRESENTER: And now, Mr. Serling.

Next on Twilight Zone, we move into New Orleans

for the Mardi Gras, and we do it with a vengeance.

Robert Keith and Milton Selzer appear in a bizarre story

of men, masquerades and masks.

This is a small shocker to wind up a week,

and if it doesn't send you to a psychiatrist,

it'll send you at least to a mirror.

On Twilight Zone next, "The Masks."

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]