All language subtitles for Night Court S02E05 Hold the Pickles, Keep the Change

-Wyatt said he's running late.
He's on a date.

-Aww, cute. So are they.

-Would you stop that,
please?

We are just two sophisticates

who happen to have
common interests,

and we engage
in elevated discourse.

-I warmed up these bad boys
under the hand dryer

in the men's room.

-Hey, you know what?

I got us a burger
we could split.

The bun is a quesadilla.
-Come on.

-You guys are adorable.

Eating like a couple teenagers
headed to the electric chair.

-Hey, everyone.

-You have your own
roller skates?

-Yep
-We get it.

You're the fun one now.

-I skated here from a date
at the roller rink.

I realized I was late for work,
and as I was putting on my shoes

without wheels, I thought,
"What are you doing, dummy?"

-That a doggy bag?
What's in it?

-You wouldn't be interested.
It's roller-rink cheese --

-Burger, dip, or fountain?

-Jackpot. Cheesecake.

This is turning into
a two-table day.

-Get it. Get it.

-You will never guess
who is here.

It's Pellino
from Pellino & Carnes.

The lawyer's with
all the commercials.

-I love their jingle.

* Pellino & Carnes,
we'll get you the cash *

* It's never your fault
when you fall, slip, or crash *

That song is dangerously catchy.

They sued the guy who wrote it.

-They sound like the stereotype

of what everyone thinks
a horrible lawyer is --

ambulance chasing,
morally bankrupt.

-Yeah, but not
bankruptbankrupt,

and that's what intrigues me.

I've been slipping
and falling all over this city

trying to meet him.
And he's heading this way.

-Mikey Pellino.

You guys keep doing
what you're doing,

and when your hearts explode,

I'm going to make
your wallets explode.

-Let me ask you a question.

If just hisheart explodes,
do I still get paid?

**

-Oh, after all that food,

my stomach is creaking
like an old ship.

I could use an Alka-Seltzer,
but I hate the taste.

-Come on, man, you got to
take care of yourself.

-Yeah.
-Drop them in a milkshake.

-Oh.

That's a good idea.

-I think it's great
the two of you have a thing,

but maybe bond over a salad
once in a while

so you don't go halfsies
on a hearse.

-Thank you for your concern,
but we're fine.

I'm, well, of course, me, and
Flobert is healthy as a horse.

-Well, he is panting like he
just ran the Kentucky Derby.

-Whew!
Is this courtroom uphill?

-Any doctor will tell you

he shouldn't be eating
all that stuff.

-Oh, please. Doctors.
All they tell you

is that everything you like
will kill you.

Meanwhile, the oldest woman
in the world

has never seen a hospital
bathes in vodka

and eats cigarettes
every morning for breakfast.

-And I don't trust
those scalpel jockeys.

Always trying to get me
to donate my organs.

When I die,
my butt's coming with me.

-Flobert, don't nobody want a
butt with that many miles on it.

-When you do die,

promise me you'll do it
on government property.

-Olivia Moore. 5'6". Gemini.

I put the cute in prosecutor.

-Mikey Pellino.
Pellino & Carnes.

If you ever want
to sue your parents

for making you too beautiful.

-When I was 9,
I threatened legal action

on grounds of cruel
and unusual bowl cut.

-Girl, I think I'm falling
for you. And I ought to know.

Most of the people that
I talk to are on the ground.

-I hear wedding sirens.

-Hey, Wyatt, you're a guy

who's been around
the roller rink a few times.

I was just looking
at my ex-fiancé's Instagram.

If a guy posts a picture
raking leaves with a woman,

that doesn't mean
they're dating, right?

-No, it doesn't mean anything.

Except he's bad at Instagram.

-And this one where
they're in bed?

-I take that back.
He's good at Instagram.

-So great. Rand found someone.

I mean, not surprised.
He's a wonderful guy.

Little faster than I thought,
but I'm happy for him.

My eye just twitches
when I'm happy for people.

-It's fine if you're not.

I didn't handle it great
when my ex-wife moved on.

A barista said,
"Flat white for Wyatt,"

but I heard,
"I never satisfied her in bed."

-I really am fine with it.

I was the one who broke it off
'cause over the years,

I changed, and it started
to feel like I was settling.

She looks like she's happy
to settle with him

under the quilt I made.

-I'm not great
at changing the subject,

but first up...

...the people versus
Roscoe Verma.

The defendant was involved
in an altercation

over a jar of pickles at the
Union Square Farmers Market.

-Mr. Verma instigated a melee

that led to him being tossed
into a display of Amish gourds.

The charges are destruction of
property and defiling a pumpkin.

-Not on purpose.
I landed on it wrong.

-Your honor, the only thing
my client is guilty of

is enthusiasm.

Trevnick Pickles
are the city's finest.

And this was the last jar
at the farmer's market.

I posit that perhaps
the pickle purveyor

prompted this predicament
by producing

and promoting
this peerless pickle

despite a paucity of product
for the pumped pickle public.

Proceed.

-This must be some pickle.

Got to sample the evidence.

This pickle is not great.

In fact, it's bad.

Poor cucumber,
what did they do to you?

-With all due respect,
that is the perfect pickle.

Clearly, you don't know when
you have something fantastic

right under your nose.

-Excuse me?

-Whoa, your eye is going nuts.

-I know a good thing
when it's in front of me.

Are you telling me that you
would really choose this pickle,

forsaking all others
for as long as you shall live?

-I do.

-I always cry at weddings.

-Can you believe that guy?

Saying I don't know
something's great

when it's right under
my nose?

That pickle
was straight-up junk.

-Is there a chance
this isn't about pickles?

Maybe you're feeling
a little weird

because your ex is seeing
someone and you're not.

Are you on any dating apps?

-Almost. I'm still
fine-tuning my profile.

Like, what picture do I go with?

Strong and sexy?

Girl next door?

Or cousin but worth it?

-Forget the apps.

This is a city
full of possibilities.

Get out there and find one
that makes you happy.

-You're absolutely right.

There's no point in sitting here
and spinning out over this.

-That's what I'm saying.

-I got to get out there,
take some risks,

put my heart on the line.

-Yes, Judge.
I'm with you 1,000%.

-Great. That settles it.

We're gonna find the best
damn pickle in New York City.

-So glad we sort of
had this talk.

-Wow.

I'm assuming that black card
was paid for by black ice.

-Speaking of breaking the ice,
are you free tomorrow night?

I know this little
Italian place.

It overlooks the most
dangerous intersection in SoHo.

-That sounds lovely.
Nothing like candlelight,

a little vino, and the sound
of pedestrians screaming,

"Wait, don't!"

-I mean, did Cupid
just hit us with an arrow?

-I certainly hope so,
'cause I've always wanted

to sue a baby.

-Olivia, meet the man
behind the ampersand.

This is my partner,
Calvin Carnes.

I was just telling her
about DiVitello's.

-Pellino's taking me there
tomorrow night.

-Tomorrow night?

Garsh, bud, don't we have
that working dinner

to talk about
the toilet-alligator case?

We're alligator litigators.

-And we're suing the sewers.

Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.
-Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.

-Well, maybe I could help
with the case.

-Alligators --
thick snout or thin?

-Thick. Thin is crocodiles.

-Ooh, she's good, Carnes.
What do you say?

-I don't know.
I just don't want you to feel

like a third wheel.
Ooh, speaking of which,

I saw a school bus out front
with a wobbly front tire.

Let's go put the class
in class action.

-A man's got to sue
what a man's got to sue.

-Well, at least
I still have his number.

-I'm going to need that.

-Come on, Dan,
he's eating Fritos now?

-His cakes aren't here yet.

I knew you wouldn't let this go.

That's why I'm having a doctor
give him a full medical workup.

-That's the doctor?

I fingerprinted him.

He's being charged
with malpractice.

Also, he's a veterinarian.

-Relax, Gurgs. We're fine.
-Fine?

Flobert couldn't even
make it up a flight of stairs.

Last time the elevator broke,
he paid the window washers

to give him a ride
up from the street.

-So, what, now it's against
the law to want fresh air?

Flobert could totally
climb a flight of stairs.

-Prove it.
If he can, I'll shut up.

If he can't,
you both go see a doctor.

-Take that bet, Dan.
I go up stairs all the time.

At the airport. The mall.

-Airport and mall?
These stairs happen to move?

-What's your point?

-I think he's talking about
an escala--

-I know he's talking
about an escalator.

-Here's something you learn
riding the subway

with 64 jars of pickles --

rats love 'em.

-Of course rats love them.
These are all garbage.

If they were on a barge
and it sank,

they'd have to close
the beaches.

-There she is.
My favorite gal pal.

You look like someone
with no plans this weekend.

-You call tasting and ranking
37 different types

of pickles on dependability,

bendability, and blendability
no plans?

-Everybody does.

So why don't you
and I go to dinner? Hm?

I just heard about this great
Italian place, DiVitello's.

Oh, people are dying
to get in there.

And dying nearby.

-Judge, it might be good
for you to get out

before things
get really weird.

After my breakup,
I got so into taxidermy

and now I eat breakfast
across from three skunks

posed like "Charlie's Angels."

**

-This is a great idea.
The two of us out for a meal.

No stress, no big decisions.

Just friends hanging out.

Wait, why are you
pretending to listen to me?

Ah, there it is.

-What are the odds
that Pellino would be

in the restaurant
he said he'd be at?

Huh.

Well, as long
as we're here,

I guess you should
go distract Carnes

so I can be with Pellino.

-This isn't how I pictured
my first date after Rand.

-That'd be a great start
to your maid-of-honor speech

at my wedding.
-I get to be your maid of honor?

-If you come with me.
Pellino! Over here.

It's Olivia, from court.

-This is so nice.
I love a surprise.

Be it lovely ladies
or faulty scaffolding.

-The only thing I like
structurally sound

are the men I date.

-The arrabbiata is great here.
Do you like spicy?

-I do like spicy.

That is one thing
I know for sure.

-Well, then you are in for a --

-Just so you know
what you're getting into,

I like spicy now,
but that could change.

So the answer is yes now.
And no. Maybe.

I currently like spicy
unless eventually I do not.

Final answer --
I don't want to be boxed in.

-Well, you know,
being boxed in

is actually
the number-one cause of death

for magician's assistants.

-Number two -- real saws.

-Flat or sparkling?
-I'd love sparkling.

-Actually, no, uh, flat.

Um, the -- the splatling.

Um, it's just so hard
to know.

I mean, what if I
start off drinking flat

and then all of a sudden
want some bubbles?

Or what if I get bubbles,

and then three years
into this dinner,

bubbles just aren't
doing it for me?

-Here, take my glass, and you
can have both and end this.

-You know what? I'm just going
to go see if they have milk.

Milk's simple.
Wait. No.

Cow? Oat? Almond?

You guys just order without me.

-Pellino, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

She's had a...

head injury.
-Head injury.

I'm sorry. I have to take this.

-Nice try, by the way.

You think you're the first
gussied-up law-bird

to try to weasel their way
between me and Pellino?

-I'm never going to
let that happen.

The jingle isn't
* Pellino & Carnes *

* And some woman
who will ruin everything *

-Did it ever occur to you
that I could make him happier

than money ever could?

Yeah, I know, that's insane,
but I had to say something

'cause I felt like you had
a whole speech and a song.

-A cab just crashed through
the window of SoulCycle.

They were pedaling
as fast as they could,

but they just couldn't
get out of the way.

-Sorry to leave you all alone,
but my partner needs me.

**

-So you dumped a hot-dog cart
into the Central Park Reservoir

to try and catch
the Loch Ness Monster?

-Aye.

Great gobs of meat
are the only way

to get Nessie to the surface.

-$50 fine for littering.

You're lucky I'm not booking you
for public monster baiting.

-How was your dinner?

-It wasn't a dinner.
It was a double date.

And jumping right in
was not a good idea.

-At least it got you out.

It's not like tasting pickles
was a huge success.

-I couldn't agree more.
-Thank God that's over.

-And that's why we're going
to makethe perfect pickle.

-So communicating
is not our thing.

-Wyatt, if we pull this off,

people will talk about
what we did here.

-Tomorrow morning at 9:00 A.M.,
I'll be telling my therapist.

So you're just springing
double dates on people?

-I'll do whatever I have to
to get Pellino alone.

But he and Carnes
are inseparable.

It's like Carnes is just always
one step ahead of me.

-But also somehow
one step behind you.

Face it, there's not a move
you can make

that I don't know about.

-You sure about that?

'Cause tonight I'm surprising
Pellino with tickets

to the new Britney Spears show.

-We just got out of the matinee.

Oops, I did it again.

-Well, next Saturday
we're going to the Yankees game.

-Saturday is the
New York Advertising Awards

We're up for
loudest commercial.

And we're a lock!

-Well, I know a private chef.

-You knewa private chef.

So sorry for your loss.

-This obituary is
from tomorrow.

-Alright, Flobert, this is
going to be a piece of cake.

And I mean that literally.

Now, go get it.

-I'm ready.
I stretched, I hydrated --

-Did you get
a body transplant?

-Alright, let's go. I want you
to stagger like the wind.

-Yeah.

I'm doing it.
I'm walking up the stairs.

-Uh-huh.
In your caring face, Gurgs.

Me! "S"! "A"!

Me! "S"! "A"!

Me! "S"! "A"!

Me. "S." "A."

Flobert, wake up, wake up.

Wake up, wake up.
-Oh. Aah!

-Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
-What happened?

-When you looked at the steps,
you passed out.

And somehow asked for a snack
on the way down.

Would you two
just go see a doctor?

Human, witch, Dre --
I don't care,

just as long as
it isn't a veterinarian.

-Absolutely not. We're gonna
make it up these stairs

if it kills him and me.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

One. Get it, get it.

- Oh!
- Ooh.

-I popped my ankle.

It's an old
football-watching injury.

Oh, Gurgs,
don't just stand there.

Get me to a doctor.

-That's what I've been trying
to tell you.

-Come on. Alright, listen,

I'll come back for you.
-Thank you, Dan.

-Yeah, I was talking
to the cake.

-Wyatt, did you put the salt in,
let it steep for 45 minutes,

then stir
the barrel counterclockwise

because we're north
of the equator?

-There was a mix-up...

...and I didn't want to.

Alright, I'll go get
a fresh barrel.

Maybe you can get through
to her.

-I've already tried
to help one person today.

It almost cost me a limb.

-What happened to you?

-Sprained my ankle
saving an orphan.

Flobert's parents are dead.

It counts.

Love what you've done
with the place.

It's like a pickle meth lab
meets...

Nope, that's it.

-It's been a lot.
Stirring, salting,

parallel parking
a truck full of cucumbers.

But if you want
the perfect pickle...

-Well, kudos.
This is a great pickle.

You don't look happy.
It's because I said "kudos"?

Is that a word
we can't use anymore?

-No, that's the lousy
Trevnick Pickle

from the court case.

You think these are one of mine?
These taste...

...not bad.

Maybe it's true.

I don't know a good thing
when I have it.

-Well, yeah,
this is a great pickle.

-So you're saying I should
have stayed with Rand?

It's times like this
I wish I could run.

-I was happy with Rand...

...until I wasn't.

If only
I was more like a pickle.

A pickle is set.

Know what they are.

Once you're a pickle,
you don't go back.

You don't go forward.

Stay the same forever.

Not searching for what's next.

-Abby, people can change
their minds.

Like, right now, I'm regretting
ever coming in here.

-What if Rand was
as good as it gets?

He was pretty great.

Maybe "pretty great's"
an okay thing to settle for.

-No, settling is definitely
the way to go.

For most people.

But you're not most people.

There is a perfect person
out there for you

who will change with you,

and you will find them.

Or make them in a barrel.

-Thanks, Dan.

I think I'm done with barrels.

I fell in earlier.

-Sorry,
is that barrel vibrating?

-Yeah, I dropped my phone
when I was in there.

Hold my feet. I'm going in.

-Dan Fielding eating a salad.

Wow. They can make cake
look like anything.

-Flobert and I agreed, on
occasion, we will eat healthy,

so we may prolong our years
of being able to eat terribly.

-Mm.

Don't worry, Dan.
Any second,

we're going to wake up
at the bottom of those stairs.

-Also, our new
salad-forward lifestyle

will mean spending
more time with,

well, people I don't
actually mind being around.

-We prefer to be
called friends, Dave.

-Admit it, you have
a big heart.

-Oh, yeah.
They said I have

the biggest heart
they've ever seen.

You know what? This needs
a little something, though.

Got the thing right here.

**

-So, turns out, my whole thing
was about more than pickles.

-And Danhelped you
figure that out?

Just Dan?

-No.

I also recall
Olivia saying something.

-I did it.

I finally managed
to get Pellino alone.

-That's great. Right?

-You'd think so.

Cha-ching.

-We kissed,
and it was everything

I thought it would be.

And then I realized
Carnes would always be there.

Evil. Duplicitous,
a total monster.

In short, everything
I'm looking for in a man.

I was kissing the prince,
but I wanted the frog.

-I feel the same way about you.

-Carnes? You have
feelings for me, too?

-I've fallen for you harder

than Angela Martin
of Piscataway,

who got 30 grand
when she slipped in a Panera

and shattered her pelvis.

Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.

-Aww, this is
-a match made in hell.

-Unfortunately, you
and I could never be.

I already have a partner,
and we're bonded by a jingle,

four shell corporations,
and an ampersand.

-Maybe I'll get winged
by a shuttle bus

and look you up someday.

-I'd like that.

-It seems hard now, Olivia,

but you've got a lot
going for you.

You're going to be fine.

-Yep.
-Aww.

Thanks, Abby.

-These are, uh, actually
for a client's funeral.

It's funny.