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MUSIC: Fantasy by Mariah Carey
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LAUGHS
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All right, mate?
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00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,039
"All right"?
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00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:24,359
"Mate"?
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00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:25,719
Hello!
7
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,039
Have you forgotten a very
important anniversary?
8
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,039
Has it already been a year since
John Barrowman accidentally
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00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,279
liked your tweet?
Wasn't an accident and no.
10
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:37,279
Bow down, bitches!
The birthday queen has arrived!
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Oh, God, yes! How did I forget?
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00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,359
Happy birthday!
Ah, ah, ah, ah! Don't crease me.
13
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,639
I've been up since 5am
getting ready.
14
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,439
It is a big one, after all.
What? 27?
15
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My magnesium jubilee.
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Many icons die at 27.
17
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,559
You'll be all right, then.
18
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,199
Anyway, I'm celebrating as well.
19
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Got me first pay cheque.
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00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,399
Yeah, I'm going to get my
boy his first whip. Whip?
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His pram. The PramPush 6000 with AI
capability and temperature control.
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Do you know the best
bit about it all?
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It's only 1,500 quid, hey-hey!
24
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,519
Have you won the lottery?
25
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,999
You know you're legally obliged
to tell me if you have. No.
26
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,719
I'm just a top-notch geezer
working hard at the old G-O-B.
27
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,519
Unsurprisingly for a man that does
not know how to spell job,
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I don't think you get it.
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Let's have a rumble through
your pigeon hole. Whoa!
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I know it's your birthday
but we're just friends, yeah?
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Oh...
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What the...?
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What sort of a cheque is this?
A reality check.
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How am I meant to live on that?
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I don't even want a pension.
36
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:39,639
I'm here for a good time,
not a long one.
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Err... Where are all my birthday
cards? What the hell is this?
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Reality check, birthday queen.
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Oh...
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BEATBOXING
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♪ Inches in my zone
I'm a soldier coming home
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♪ I'm on my phone
Ring-ring, I'm on road
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♪ Nine inches
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♪ Nine inches... ♪
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Class K!
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Now for safety reasons I do not want
to cause a stampede,
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so form an orderly queue - gifts on
the left, cards on the right,
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and, oh, cute idea,
when I call out the register,
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you reply with your
favourite outfit or memory of me.
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00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,719
Sir, sir!
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I'm so sorry I'm late.
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♪ Time flies for everyone
except for you
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♪ And that's why you have
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♪ A playing age of 14 to 19. ♪
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Why you kissing his arse for?
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Blessing, it's his birthday!
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ALL: Oh!
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At least Warren remembered.
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Come on, presents.
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00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,160
Um...
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00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,679
Actually, sir, I still need to
add a few final touches.
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A home-made present?
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00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,079
Oh, God, might as well go
and join the 27 club now!
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00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,879
How can you all have
forgotten my birthday?
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00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,999
I'm sorry, sir. We were distracted
by London Fashion Week.
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00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,959
Which was last week. You're going to
need a better excuse than that.
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00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,719
No, he means the school trip, sir.
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00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,279
Hoburn ran a young enterprise
competition and the winning
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00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,839
class got a field trip to LFW.
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00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,999
Now I know our class had the best
idea, but Class A won!
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It's a fix.
Innit?
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We made the most P but they had that
environmentally friendly flex.
73
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,559
Um, hello? Our waxing salon
was environmentally friendly.
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00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:27,199
The environment of Abbey Grove no
longer has hairy-legged bitches!
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00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,519
Class A protested.
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00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,879
They got us penalised for not
promoting "natural beauty"...
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00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,079
The shame.
Stop! What is Class A?
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00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,439
They're all activists
and entrepreneurs.
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00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,519
They don't study drama.
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00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,639
They don't think it's relevant
during the unfolding
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ecological crisis.
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00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:47,439
Even Leonardo DiCaprio's doing less
acting now that he's saving
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00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:51,919
the planet. Oh, my God, sir! 27?
You're officially too old for Leo.
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00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:53,639
Oh, please.
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00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,839
He'd have kicked me out of bed
two years ago.
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00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,319
I've made peace with that.
I'm not being funny, sir.
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00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,959
I admire you for trying but there
are Little Britain sketches
88
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,800
that have aged better than you.
89
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:08,679
Do you have any idea what Abbey
Grove was like ten years ago, hmm?
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00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,199
You're wrong because I got
my ass up and walked!
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00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,919
I was a trailblazer!
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00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,239
Was!
I'm sorry...
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00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,519
Do you lot think you're
more iconic than me?
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00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,159
She's not talking about us.
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00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,119
She means Class A.
They're the real trailblazers now.
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00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,879
Oh, please.
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00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:29,079
I'll show them trailblazing
in an unfolding ecological crisis.
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00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,199
Do you even know
what that means? Um...
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00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,639
Something to do with dinosaurs?
You're the dinosaur, mate.
100
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,280
I didn't hear that.
Hard when the hearing goes.
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00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:10,359
Excellent.
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You can expect me later.
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I'll be bringing my finest Class As.
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00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,519
No, there's no student called
Charlie in Class A.
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00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,679
Oh, there is an Indigo, though,
with 50,000 followers.
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00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,960
One post from her and your business
could be firmly on the map.
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00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,159
Excuse me.
HE CLAPS
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Bravo.
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00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,719
They said you were as funny as a
power cut in a hospital,
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but this is top-bins banter.
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00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,239
I'll call you back.
112
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Where is my real payslip?
113
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,639
Mr Harper, I am trying to organise
a field trip,
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00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,839
and I've lost a lunch monitor.
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00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:49,319
Mr Bingham claims he accidentally
spiralised his finger
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due to exhaustion.
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00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,999
I suspected he mangled himself on
purpose to get out of another
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00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,039
works drink with Fraser.
Yeah.
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00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,679
We're all stressed, Bernie.
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00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:58,880
Where's my bunse?
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00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,279
You're right. There is a mistake.
Ha! Knew it.
122
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,399
We've overpaid you.
What? Yes, don't worry.
123
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,639
The extra £73 can be deducted
from your next pay cheque.
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00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:11,479
Miss, my kid needs a pram.
He ain't going to be able to walk
125
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,639
till he's, like, two months
or something.
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00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,039
If you're going to survive on a
teacher's salary,
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00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,759
you're going to have to get
creative. What do you mean?
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00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,799
Well, for example I sell embroidered
inspirational quotes
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00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,359
from Kirstie Allsopp.
130
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,599
Is there much demand for that?
Not really.
131
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,079
Here, do lunch monitors get paid?
Just about.
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00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:31,080
Tell payroll to transfer the cash
to my account by end of play.
133
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,679
So this is the elite.
134
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,679
What am I supposed to learn from
these neutral-tone tree huggers?
135
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,879
They're social media
justice warriors.
136
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,359
That's why Hoburn lets
them get what they want.
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00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,679
One tweet and the whole
school's going down.
138
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,079
Err... Like when Kylie Jenner
tweeted about Snapchat?
139
00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,519
Now you're getting it.
140
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,279
Indigo on the left there was the
first to use pronouns in her bio.
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00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,519
I was the second. Early adopter.
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00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,639
She never even thanked me,
to my relief.
143
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,639
I would've hated it to look like
formative allegiance.
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00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,119
Oh... Pfft!
145
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,919
Indigo's besties with Kate Moss now.
They met on socials.
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00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,199
Kate Moss?
Mm-hm. Like THE Kate Moss?
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00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,799
She's the new face of Indigo's
campaign to ban nuts
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00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:24,239
from all public spaces.
Indigo has a nut allergy.
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00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:28,039
I didn't actually hear back when I
offered to get behind it,
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00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,159
which, again, absolutely fine.
151
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,759
Then there's Peace in the middle.
East?
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00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,799
No, Peace is her name.
153
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,359
She rode a kayak along the
Grand Union Canal.
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00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,839
To highlight child poverty,
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00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,559
and then Little Simz asked her to DJ
at her birthday.
156
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,519
None of these words are adding up.
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00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,200
I don't see anything special,
certainly not trailblazing.
158
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,359
Who the frock is that?
159
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,879
Their business teacher, Mx Carmine.
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00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:11,079
Imagine - a teacher at Abbey Grove
with a gender-neutral identity.
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That is trailblazing.
Mm-hm.
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Irie!
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What in the non-denomination hell
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is that string vest?
165
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,679
Sh! Jemima, I've got this.
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00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,879
Sit down, relax and watch
me change the game.
167
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,239
What do you think of the
Seg-desk Mark II?
168
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,799
I call her the Smegway.
169
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,559
"Tringaling rice and pea"?
170
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,679
Fraser, what is going on here?
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00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,759
It's Caribbean week at Abbey Grove,
hence my rice and pea tea.
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This is cultural appropriation!
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For the nation!
My bad. I couldn't resist.
174
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,479
This is serious, Mr Fraser!
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00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:52,079
We can't ignore your crimes
against the Caribbean.
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Silence is violence.
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00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,599
Jemima, I've got this!
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We are detoxifying this canteen!
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You, kitchen, now!
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And lose the string vest!
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Word.
Oh...
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Nothing to see here.
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00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,160
Just revolutionising the canteen!
184
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,919
Oh, cute look!
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00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,600
LOUD CLATTER
186
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,559
Paprika?
Stolen from Mexico.
187
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,879
Cinnamon?
Stolen from Sri Lanka.
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00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,759
Potatoes.
Offensive to so many people.
189
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,679
That's like if colonialism
was a carb.
190
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,559
Cauliflower?
Unmyelinated broccoli.
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00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,679
Bin.
Please, I beg you, use some flavour.
192
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,959
Even if it's stolen.
It's nearly lunch.
193
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,319
Ah! It's the principle.
Come on, Stephen.
194
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,919
People still talk about my
infamous sushi surprise.
195
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:45,159
That's because the surprise was you
served it off Mrs Mollinson.
196
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,759
You wanted something authentic for
the opening night of your
197
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,799
one-man Madame Butterfly...
Sh!
198
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,999
I've deleted all evidence of that
play. It was a different time.
199
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,119
People didn't like where I put
the pickled ginger.
200
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,839
Mollinson loved
where I put the wasabi.
201
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,439
Oi, this fridge is full of gammon!
202
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,679
Bin! There can be nothing
problematic in this kitchen!
203
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:03,639
Oi, oi, Marco Pierre Wanker.
204
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,279
Get your hand off your sausage!
Meet your new lunch monitor!
205
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,359
Yes! No, not the plum.
206
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,919
You don't have to be mad to work
here but if you are, don't bother
207
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,119
putting it on the application
because we turn a blind eye
208
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,599
to psychiatric evaluations.
209
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,919
Jesus, Fraser, what is that?
It's rank.
210
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,759
I don't know why it keeps curdling.
211
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,759
It's just turnips and rainwater.
212
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,079
Ah! Don't blame us.
213
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,679
They're the only Anglo-Saxon
ingredients in this kitchen.
214
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:26,199
Look, I'm doing my best.
215
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,519
It may surprise you to learn that
I've got absolutely no formal
216
00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:30,999
training whatsoever.
217
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,479
Sir, the hotplate's on fire!
218
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,119
Quick, oil down the flames!
219
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,640
Blanket roll!
A blanket will only make it warmer.
220
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,879
Ugh!
221
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,479
No, no...
222
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:43,919
I am out.
223
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:47,119
There's got to be an easier
way to get this pram. Suit yourself.
224
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,280
But change is happening here.
225
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,879
Cultural appropriation is off the
menu at Abbey Grove, thanks to...
226
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,520
..moi.
227
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,159
I am living for
these Union Jacks.
228
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,000
It's giving Geri Halliwell.
229
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,759
This smells like arse.
230
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,759
You know what? We want spice!
231
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,359
We want spice!
232
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,959
We want spice! We want spice!
233
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,319
Oi, Blessing, I've got a
business proposal for ya.
234
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:23,839
Me and you can make a killing
selling scran at this school.
235
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:26,479
Isn't that what the canteen's for?
236
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,959
No! Never! I'm British.
237
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,799
That means British food
of British origin.
238
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,279
Just season the food!
239
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,160
If you don't like it,
I vote you leave.
240
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,759
Oh, my God!
241
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:43,520
This isn't Halliwell!
It's giving Farage!
242
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:49,159
And this is why I no longer talk to
white dinner ladies about race.
243
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,919
Boo! Boo!
244
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,119
BOOING
245
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,479
Great.
246
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,599
So not only are we not cool,
but the cool kids hate us.
247
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,719
Well, it's not my fault
Fraser's beyond help.
248
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,239
Exactly! This isn't our fault.
249
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,719
We are the product of a
broken system!
250
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,799
Exactly, and I went to this school
too and I'm just a product of
251
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,479
my environment!
252
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:11,879
We need to, erm, double down
and, erm, detoxify Abbey Grove!
253
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,319
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
254
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,599
No, never.
255
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,000
To the library!
256
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,119
Come on, Mr Fraser.
257
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,359
Looks like you need a sweet
cup of strong tea.
258
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,279
English breakfast?
259
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,359
So...
260
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,720
Tell me about this hustle.
261
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,119
BLOWS WHISTLE
262
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,999
Right! Listen up, lads and ladettes.
263
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,679
The food gets delivered here.
264
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:41,879
Now, it ain't on school property, so
if anyone moans, they can do one.
265
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:45,039
You bring it back in through
the hole in the fence...
266
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,479
..here.
267
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,079
Then you lot deliver it
to the punters.
268
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,199
Now, this next bit is the
most important bit.
269
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,919
Two words.
BOTH: Delivery surcharge.
270
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,439
Non-negotiable.
271
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,719
It's our turf now the
canteen's been cancelled.
272
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,399
And the money comes straight
to me and Blessing.
273
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:04,319
No skimming for yourselves,
cos if you do, we will find out
274
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,839
and you will get detention.
275
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:08,720
I can do that.
276
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,200
Any questions?
277
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:15,919
Good.
278
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,360
Off you go.
279
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,159
Impressive.
280
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:24,720
I rule by fear.
281
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,360
MIMICS RINGING NOISE
282
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,399
Two katsu curries, yeah?
283
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,360
MUSIC: 1989 by Aitch
284
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,079
Fraser has been filling our
stomachs with problematic trash
285
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,799
and this school has been
filling our minds with it, too.
286
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:55,399
Why should the library be full of
crusty old white men?
287
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,839
Follow my lead, children,
and free your minds.
288
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,439
Pride And Prejudice?
289
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,159
That's got prejudice in it
and they're proud?
290
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,679
Get it in the bin!
291
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:07,559
Oh, I am going to give this
library a colonic!
292
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,359
Sir, I think you actually mean
you're going to decolonise it.
293
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:11,559
Same thing.
294
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,639
LOUD BANG Shhh!
295
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,039
Sir, you're so dead.
Even randos are shushing you.
296
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,199
I will not be silenced, you old hag!
297
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,239
Oooh, and that's the
school librarian.
298
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,439
Oh...
Oi, sir.
299
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,319
This book has a guy turning people's
water into wine at a party.
300
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,719
Spiking people's drinks?
Very, very sus.
301
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:29,839
Bin!
302
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,759
Anything on animal cruelty?
303
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,719
Found a book called How To
Kill A Mockingbird.
304
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,359
Disgusting! Bin!
305
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,399
Sir, do you actually know what
you're doing here?
306
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,639
Um, yes.
307
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:44,399
Making real change, unlike Class A
with, what was it,
308
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,239
a nut allergy campaign?
I mean, please.
309
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:51,879
Right, but I was just thinking about
the next steps, and are we going
310
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,679
to flood the library
with under-represented
311
00:14:54,680 --> 00:15:00,239
Black minority ethnic, female,
nonbinary LGBTQIA+ authors?
312
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,520
Even better...
313
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,999
..we're going to have a bonfire.
314
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,520
Yes, I love bonfires!
315
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:14,959
Just here's perfect.
316
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,599
How's my lighting?
Cute.
317
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,080
Hey, Indigo.
318
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,559
Hey.
319
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,959
That's what I'm saying!
Man's got that good man munch.
320
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,080
Come...
Bye, sir.
321
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,360
Good luck with, um...
whatever this is.
322
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,239
Oi, sir! Where's my katsu curry?
323
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,399
I suppose I should have
assumed the boys would bail.
324
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,879
Now it's up to us to do
the work, girlies.
325
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,439
Slight patriarchal infantilisation
of women there, sir.
326
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,439
Mmm-hmm!
Now, big smiles.
327
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,280
It's time I make a stand
for the under-represented.
328
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,360
I hereby free Abbey Grove
of intellectual oppression!
329
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,080
Ah!
330
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,119
I'm not sure if anyone cares, sir.
331
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,999
Yeah, well, whatevs.
332
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,439
With the right hashtags
it could still go viral.
333
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,279
Jinxy, my love? Spell patriarchal
for me. Thank you, girlie.
334
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,679
MIMICS BIRD CALL
335
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,520
Here she comes! Look at her!
336
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,239
What the hell is going on?
337
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,439
Miss Hoburn! For far too long,
this school's curriculum...
338
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,279
Where did you get these takeaways?
339
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,160
They're forbidden on school grounds!
340
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,279
Ooh, Class A.
Sorry, I didn't see you there.
341
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:33,679
And don't forget, 2pm
for our trip to London Fashion Week.
342
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,839
It's going to do me the world
of good.
343
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,319
I mean, it will do you,
you guys, the world of good.
344
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,399
It'll do the world some...
345
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,280
..some good.
Um, girl with bags!
346
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,159
Here...
347
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:47,800
..now!
348
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,839
When I was headmaster I spent every
day asking for forgiveness,
349
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,199
not permission.
In retrospect that was the problem.
350
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,519
So you WERE headmaster.
351
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,599
We always thought that was
some kind of urban legend.
352
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,519
I don't even know where to begin.
353
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,399
Start at the very beginning.
354
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,959
A public apology can go a long way.
355
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,799
When I was 18 I took my first sip
of Red Stripe and legally
356
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:14,039
changed my name to Shaquille
Barrington Rusty Lee Fraser.
357
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,959
It just felt right. OK. I'm just
going to stop you there.
358
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,479
I think maybe we should avoid
digging ourselves a deeper hole.
359
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,319
My list of crimes is endless.
360
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,959
I admit to moussaka Mondays,
chow mein Tuesdays...
361
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,959
Again, maybe we could just address
today's miscommunications.
362
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,560
You just need to speak
from the heart.
363
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,879
Look at all that lovely money.
Let's have a look.
364
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,999
Looks like you mans need to
refund me on my food!
365
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,560
What you bunnying on about?
366
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:48,959
Bollocks!
367
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,279
What are we going to do now?
368
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,400
We can't get the food
in through the fence.
369
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,120
What you looking at?
370
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,399
Sometimes you've got to spend
money to make money.
371
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,199
Yes! We're going to get our
Wagamama's.
372
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,199
I can already taste
the chicken katsu!
373
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,399
Sir, are you sure this
is going to work?
374
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,799
Hoburn is going to spot this
in no time.
375
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,679
Yeah, we'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.
376
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,039
Anyway, she should be the first
person to encourage our...
377
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,759
..en... entr...
378
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,679
..orangeneurial... enpreturn...
379
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,479
Entrepreneurial spirit?
Exactly.
380
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,799
She's the one organising trips to
London Fashion Week for Class A.
381
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,119
I told you, London Fashion Week
was last week,
382
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:32,799
and you lot think I'm out of touch?
383
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,719
She must be taking them
somewhere else.
384
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,319
No, it was definitely there.
385
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,759
Something about a sponsorship deal
for the school,
386
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,999
new uniforms and shit.
Google it.
387
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,279
Honestly, I had no idea
trailblazing was this hard.
388
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,359
I mean, back in the day
just being me was enough.
389
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:47,759
Giving a shit is exhausting.
390
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,519
No! Pretending to give a
shit is exhausting!
391
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,679
Just give up, sir, man.
Who even cares?
392
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,839
Nobody. That's the point!
393
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,479
My whole career could be thrown into
irrelevance if Class A have
394
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,119
their way - all washed up at 26.
395
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,519
Aren't you 27 today?
396
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,279
Don't make things worse.
397
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:03,919
Yo, it's Fraser.
398
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,719
Class A are going to hate this.
399
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,319
Drag her!
400
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,839
BOOING Get him out!
401
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,759
Get him out! Get him out!
402
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,360
HECKLING
403
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,439
Guys, guys, OK. I deserve that.
404
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,919
But I have prepared some food
for thought,
405
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:24,360
and I only ask that you find it in
your hearts to digest...
406
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,679
..it.
407
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,279
I now see I took it too far.
408
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,359
Were the steel drums too far?
Of course.
409
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,599
The kimonos - inappropriate, yes.
410
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,919
What I saw as cultural appreciation
411
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,559
was actually appropriation,
412
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:41,839
for until I have carried other
people's burden,
413
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,719
who am I to carry their curry?
414
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,559
Who am I to pound their yam, man?
415
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,240
Who am I to griddle their
gyoza, oza, oza, oza...?
416
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,519
I'm so sorry.
417
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:59,279
I love a string vest as much as
the next man and slam poetry
418
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,799
significantly more than him.
419
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,879
I see now I can no longer love those
things in quite the same way.
420
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,319
And so from this day onwards,
I will only cook dishes requested
421
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,159
by you, the people.
422
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:11,719
Thank you.
423
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,399
CHEERING
424
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,080
Well done, sir.
425
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,519
Ah...
426
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,399
What parallel universe
am I living in?
427
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:23,959
Like, what is going on here?
428
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,999
Err... actual growth
and accountability.
429
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,759
Err, I'll show you actual
growth and accountability.
430
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,919
Look, London Fashion Week
WAS last week.
431
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,799
Hoburn has taken her class to some
fast-fashion outlet store,
432
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,519
London Fashion Weak, W-E-A-K.
433
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:41,759
You lot dodged a bullet.
434
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,600
This is not happening,
over my dead body.
435
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,519
Sir, I beg you, man!
436
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,399
Can't you just donate to Greenpeace
or some old-people shit like that?
437
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,439
This is something that I'm
really passionate about.
438
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,999
Fast fashion is really bad
for the environment.
439
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,959
Plus, Emma Thompson backed
Extinction Rebellion and her career
440
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,679
really started to take off.
441
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,119
She had won a Bafta by 27.
442
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:07,680
Get glueing!
443
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,599
He-he!
444
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,640
Nearly there, sir! I think this
might be your finest moment.
445
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,839
Hey, focus, sir. It's so close.
446
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:23,560
Shit, the wind's taken it!
447
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,959
Class A, right.
Just a quick heads-up.
448
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,399
When I said London Fashion Week,
it's going to be very much
449
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,759
a sort of very behind the scenes-y
sort of thing,
450
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,559
but, no, turn these frowns
upside down,
451
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,479
because we need you looking
picture perfect
452
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,000
so we can secure this partnership
deal for the school.
453
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,199
Ah, you lost it, sir! Give me that!
454
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,440
Nah, nah, nah! I've got it coming
back! Look, look, look!
455
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,840
All right, bring it here!
Yeah, bring it back!
456
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,640
Come on, let's just get it, man.
Come, come, come!
457
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,080
Hurry up!
458
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,599
Oh, no, that's Hoburn!
459
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:06,960
What the...?
460
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,639
Ugh! What is she doing?
That's not right.
461
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,360
She's getting her toes out!
How big are her feet?
462
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,840
Yes!
Ah...
463
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,479
Splashback!
464
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,080
Indigo! Are you all right?
465
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,639
Oh, that's not even katsu curry.
That's chicken satay.
466
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:31,919
Oh, my...
467
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,239
Satay!
Quick, let's get you in the minibus!
468
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,439
What about us?
469
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,359
You don't have a world-famous
nut allergy.
470
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:39,519
Do you have one of those
little stabby pens?
471
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,519
Well, waste not, want not.
472
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,320
What the hell, man?
473
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,279
ENGINE STARTS
Everyone out of my way!
474
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,960
HORN BEEPS
475
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,439
Get out of the way,
you blithering idiot!
476
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,079
Ha! London Fashion Week! Nice try.
477
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,639
LFW is a fast-fashion outlet
store spewing out cheap
478
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,119
and unenvironmental trash!
479
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:07,479
Just move!
480
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,919
No, never! This trip is unethical!
481
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:13,519
Oh! I need to take this
child to hospital!
482
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,399
Huh? I need to take Indigo
to hospital
483
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,959
and her life is of significantly
more value than yours.
484
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,479
HORN BEEPS
485
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,679
Come on, sir! Get up!
486
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:24,759
I'll give you to the count of three.
One...
487
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:26,519
Come on, sir, get up!
488
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,159
Help! Cut me out!
489
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:31,359
Two... Why, oh, why did they
choose the pizza cutter?
490
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:32,879
Fraser! Come on, quick!
491
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,400
Three!
492
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:36,760
Agh!
493
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,279
ENGINE REVS
494
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,880
Jesus!
495
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:45,960
Whoa!
496
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,520
What are you wearing, sir?
497
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:05,959
Come in, sir.
498
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,159
Look...
499
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,919
I need to say something first.
500
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,839
I was terrified about getting old
501
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,639
and I know it's not about how
we look...
502
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,480
Please just shut up and go inside.
503
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,320
ALL: Surprise!
504
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,079
You guys!
505
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:35,639
Obviously, sir, you're bear annoying
and you've never taken the register
506
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,399
or taught us anything
from the GCSE syllabus
507
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,519
and you tend to offend us all daily,
508
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,599
and I know way more about musical
theatre
509
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,319
than I would've ever wanted.
But...
510
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,359
But, obviously, we love you just
the way you are, innit?
511
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,159
And I love you guys, too.
512
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,800
Class As will come and go,
but Class K has no competition.
513
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:58,080
Oh, I love you guys!
514
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,679
EXCITED CHATTER
515
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,199
Let's get the tunes on!
516
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:05,840
Woo!
517
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,399
Wagwan, face-ache?
518
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:15,239
What was I thinking? I spent all my
pram money on a drone.
519
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,319
I'm going to be a shit dad.
520
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,399
You'll be all right. I do think
you're going to be a good dad.
521
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,799
I've had a sick time
hanging out with you. Yeah?
522
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,199
Yeah! I wouldn't have continued
to make a loss
523
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:26,639
if I wasn't having a laugh.
524
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,440
Plus, I've managed to pull
a few strings.
525
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,439
Oh, my God, Blessing,
where did you get this?
526
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,679
Come on, sir! You've raised me
better than to reveal my hustle.
527
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,079
I'm proud of you! Love it!
528
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,919
It's even got a beer holder!
529
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:50,359
I think that's for the bottle, sir.
530
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:51,759
Oh.
531
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:59,760
♪ I already feel like doing it
again, honey
532
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:06,479
♪ Cos once you know, then you know
533
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,239
♪ And you don't wanna go
534
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:13,040
♪ Back to wherever it is
that you come from, yeah
535
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:23,360
♪ I just want to stay high
with you. ♪
536
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,639
Sir, sir! Hmm? What?
537
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:33,319
Indigo just told me that LFW is
just a rebranded sweatshop in
538
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:34,759
Milton Keynes!
539
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:35,959
See! I knew it.
540
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,719
See, there's one thing I know -
it's fashion,
541
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,199
and drama.
542
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,239
And fashion drama.
543
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:43,639
I guess that's three things.
544
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:45,679
Sir, they can't believe
you did what you did.
545
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,399
You stood up to Hoburn.
546
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,079
Now, that's trailblazing.
547
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:51,040
Oh...! Also...
548
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,079
Indigo just followed me on
Instagram! Aaah!
549
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,559
Ooh, no, no, play it cool,
play it cool.
550
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,520
Whatever, like, durr...
551
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,239
Hey, Stranger Tings!
552
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,759
The people have spoken
and I have listened.
553
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:10,639
Back by popular demand, and now that
fun is back on the menu,
554
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:12,159
I present
555
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,119
my meat pinata.
556
00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:15,479
Yes!
557
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:16,959
Bagsy the tail!
558
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,359
That's not a tail.
559
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:19,759
Once you're finished with this,
560
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,839
I'll bring in Mollinson with the
smorgasbord.
561
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,439
I've hidden a pickled gherkin
for one lucky diner.
562
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,079
MUSIC STARTS
563
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,639
Cut the music.
564
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,919
Today has been a roller-coaster.
565
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:36,919
I got so caught up in trying to be
relevant that I forgot what was
566
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,519
relevant to me -
567
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,319
my colleagues and my students,
568
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,039
who are more like family.
569
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:49,160
I also realised that I'm perfect
just the way I am...
570
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:51,920
..and I don't need to change.
571
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,599
Go on, Stephen!
572
00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,999
And on that note, Mr Carmichael,
573
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:02,679
let me present to you
your birthday present.
574
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,119
Ooh!
575
00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:05,520
Wait one second.
576
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,400
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS
577
00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:14,719
OK...
578
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,159
So far it's giving funeral,
but we move.
579
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:18,839
Well, I'm glad you like it.
580
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,039
I found some old videotapes
in a box.
581
00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,639
They were buried, actually,
in the back of the school archives.
582
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,199
STEPHEN SPLUTTERS
583
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,400
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
584
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:30,559
Oh, my God!
585
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,160
It's Madame Butterfly!
43834
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