Original subtitles

5x01_Boxing

Oi! You know the rules. Huh!

Ooh, careful! You might not be able to fit into your,

I'm going to say, wedding tracksuit?

Ah, yeah, do you still want a plus-one to the wedding?

I say this with love, but even if there was someone

important in my life, I would walk backwards over hot coals

to make sure they never, ever meet your uncle Pat.

You've met my auntie Pat. Oh, my God.

You never know, you might meet someone special at the wedding.

Ooh, I do love an Italian stallion.

Ah, about the destination wedding, I couldn't afford it.

So instead, I've booked this beautiful authentic Italian

restaurant. They've got beautiful wines, anti-pasties, the lot.

It's called... IN ITALIAN ACCENT: ..Allbarone.

Ooh, ciao, Bella! But I don't know her.

Oh, you'll love it, mate. It's right opposite the station.

It's got loads of stalls. Mitchell, that's All Bar One!

No, no, no, no, no. This is an Allbarone... Shit!

They put all the words close together on the website!

They shouldn't be allowed to do that.

Please tell me Kylie has not consented to this.

Kayleigh and, no, I booked it as a surprise. I was going to show her

around the venue tomorrow night.

Have you still got time to change it?

I blew the rest of the budget on a real-life Italian singer...

IN ITALIAN ACCENT: ..Anthony Costa.

Mitchell, the wedding is next month!

What am I going to do?

Allbarone took my deposit and Anthony Costa charged me five grand.

Oh, my God, this is a wake-up call.

I really need to grow up. You really do.

CROWD: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Sweet! Argh! BOTH: Fight! Fight! Fight!

ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Woo! I'm Lucci! I love it!

Roaring up to the socials, let's go!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, my God, it's Warren!

CROWD CHANT: Lucci! Lucci! Lucci!

Do something then, sir!

Warren, play dead.

HE GROANS

My wee little heart!

COUGHS WEAKLY, BREATHES HEAVILY

Ha! Stay down, you muppet!

Let me get a...

ALL: Oooooooooooooh!

CHEERING

You monsters! That's recycling!

Got to get your protein in after a good tear up.

Shake-Eel is the shit! Mm!

COUGHS

Like and subscribe, bitches! 4K, all day. Peace! Woo!

Gentlemen. Right, listen here, you... Oh! Cheers, sir. Woo!

Warren, you can stop playing dead now.

Oh, not another one.

And scene!

WARREN GRUNTS

Thank God for that.

Urgh! Ooh! That is minging!

SCREAMS, GRUNTS

Oh, my God!

Harrison, get the first aid kit.

Oh, Warren!

You puked on my Loubs! Ow!

MUMBLES

Murder.

I didn't catch a word of that.

Oh, she said that little scrote put superglue in her lipstick.

Warren, that is quality!

Not Warren, Lucci Bantz. Warren was sticking up for Usma.

CLICKS FINGERS

Loubs!

Warren picked a fight with that unit? Who is he anyway?

You should know him, he's in your form. I don't bother with that lot. They've got no banter.

But, bro, he's got 200,000 followers.

He broke the internet by pranking his parents, at his own funeral.

What's uuuuuuuup?! Lucci doesn't die!

You should know this! What's up?

Miss, look, you're being filmed! Filmed! There's a camera there,

this is going to get millions of views. Old sad woman.

I'm proud of you, Warren. Would have put big money on you

going down sooner. You put up a good fight.

Jinx, shut up a minute, I'm thinking.

I haven't said a word all day.

This Lucci's got a shit load of followers, yeah?

And they would all bet big on him to winning a fight.

So, if we stuck him in the ring with a proper waif

and then, hypothetically, there was a massive upset,

then hypothetically, someone would make a fortune.

Everyone's going to bet on Lucci.

Yeah, but then I'd back the underdog.

And then when Lucci takes a fall...

You'll make money!

Pay for my wedding and save my relationship.

Wait, man, that's not going to work.

Anyways, Lucci Bantz is going to throw a fight? He'll look like a tit.

How do you know what a tit looks like?

Cos I've seen one, innit.

Your sister in the shower

don't count.

KISSES TEETH

Inchez is right, sir. Lucci's all about image.

But I'm his form teacher and if I don't sign his report card,

Lucci will get excluded.

So you're going to blackmail a child into helping you embezzle

many other children?

See, Jinx, when you shut up and you listen, you get it.

No...

Oh, your son's therapist did call me. Well, yes, I agree,

there has been a slight uptick in playground argy bargy.

Yes, no, two broken legs.

That is probably one too many thinking about it,

so, look, leave it with me.

God help us if there's a third world war. I mean, I think we are

very much in danger of sucking all the spunk out of our young men.

Parents are blaming the epidemic of violence on Luke Banister,

aka Lucci Bantz. Ah, leave the handbags to me, miss.

What do you know about handbags, Harper,

other than how to snatch them from the back of a speeding moped?

No, the argy bargy. Look, as a physical educator, I believe if

the kids are choosing violence, then we've got to speak their language.

Great minds. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yep. Whipping. Boxing match. Whipping?

No, fair. No, perhaps whipping does have some negative connotations.

But a shatterproof ruler, a well-aimed slipper.

Yeah, I was just thinking about a boxing match.

Less bruising through a glove, I like it.

As long as it takes place behind closed doors.

No, no, we've got to get a crowd in. To...make an example of 'em.

Oh, I see! Like a public hanging. Yes.

I mean, it is too late for Luke Banister unfortunately,

I will have to expel him.

No, no, don't do that, love. No, stick him on red report.

I'm his form teacher, so if he steps out of line,

I won't sign his report card, goodbye, Lucci Bantz.

I like it. But don't call me love.

Fraser? Ooh, since when did you have pets?

I wouldn't call them pets exactly, but I'm not needlessly cruel. Soup?

Right, that is exactly why you're not catering my wedding.

Spaghetti arabantia, ledgesana, freshly baked ladaleines -

please, I would love to cater an All Bar One, it's a stunning venue.

You knew that it was an All Bar One? Yes! I can't wait to show

Anthony Costa my Anthony Costa tattoo.

Where's Lucci?

And why is he plugging all this shit on his socials?

Lucci's mum won't let him drink protein shakes at home.

She's a real fun sponge.

Fraze bars? Shake-Eel.

It's a pun, but they're also 30% real eel.

I shot Lucci the good shit and he made me

the Eelon Musk of the protein community.

Simples!

Table for three?

Here he is!

Ha!

Welcome to Chez Fray.

Any allergies?

Yeah. I'm allergic to old geezers in shit trainers.

Whoa! Shots fired!

Someone's hangry.

You meant him, right? Ahem!

Listen here, son.

You might think you're Billy Big Bollocks now

but I can take your career up a level. Who are you?

I am your ticket to the big time.

And I am putting on a fight that's going to make Fury Wilder

look like Will Smith defending his little grumpy mate at the Oscars.

The only thing is, is you've got to go down in the fourth round.

What? Right. Little man, I'm Lucci Bantz!

4K, biatch!

I don't lose!

Can't even spell lose.

So you'd lose a spelling bee.

LAUGHS

What?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! SLURRED: I know you're really

disrespecting my boy asking him to fight for nothing.

Fraser, are you having a stroke?

No, he's doing this Sly Stallone impression.

No, actually, I do think

I am allergic to something in the Shake-Eel.

Guessing it's the eel.

Ooh, boy! That's why they're always so kind to me

at the London Aquarium.

Right, listen, Banister, unfortunately for you,

I'm also your form teacher. Now, you need me

to sign your report card, or else you're going to get expelled.

No school, no content.

And all of this goes away.

So, are you going to go down in the fourth round or not?

I hope you like it blue.

Lucci agreed to fight! Abbey Grove Fight Night is on.

And I'll be taking full creative control of this production.

Oh, do you like boxing, sir?

Uh, Cagey Joe in Bugsy, yeah.

Who? OK, fine.

We want it to feel like heavyweights in Vegas.

Celine, Adele, Britney.

Tyson, Mayweather, Lennox Lewis.

Is that Leona's brother? Oh, for God's sake!

Right. We need to find a challenger.

Me! Me, sir, man.

I need to sprinkle some karma on that bitch, cos at 11.59,

messing with a girl's power plump lip gloss, is haram.

I swear, I'm going to gouge that prick's eye out

and use it as a Beautyblender!

Loving the energy but I'm afraid this one is for the boys.

Ooh, ooh, oooh! I'll fight for you, sir, and I will win,

cos this is a game of inches and I am the king!

I'll be the lyric-spitting bad man that will crush Lucci Bantz.

Then I'll shag his mother while he shits his pants!

SCREAMS

Oh!

I've heard of a glass jaw but I've never seen a glass fist before.

All you've got to do is dance round the ring for four rounds

and then one punch, yeah?

And they say I don't teach you all transferable skills.

He doesn't mean literally dancing around the ring.

Bopability, passion! Use it, Warren!

Tits and teeth!

MOANS

Come on, you dosser! Let's go.

I am a fighter, but I'm also a lover as well, you know?

Look in the mirror, what do you see?

Uh, me. No.

That right there is your biggest enemy.

WAILS

Oh, for f... The kid's a bell-end.

Jab! Jab! Jab! Punch!

Woo! God, this horse is going to be tender.

Yeah! Urgh!

Woo! Nice one, champ.

So, is your mum still single? Argh!

Hmm!

The photo I'm holding in my hand is of the champion

we have selected to represent Class K in the fight of this century,

thus saving Mr Harper's wedding.

Ooh!

Warren, my love...it's not you.

Yeah, I love Kayleigh, mate, but I couldn't do that to ya.

Besides, the last thing I need is another court date.

LAUGHS

I'm sorry, is this a joke to you?

I cannot believe you would come in here with a defeatist attitude.

I'm sorry, sir, I'm just not a fighter.

Take control of your own destiny.

No, I don't want to get humiliated by that monster.

Stop it!

I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this!

I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you!

Mm-hm, mm-hm. Learn something from this!

Can you just tell them who's fighting?

It's Harrison.

SCREAMS

It's him again!

Ladies and gentlemen,

tomorrow night, two giants go head-to-head here at Abbey Grove.

ALL: Ooh!

Let's meet the fighters. He's got a million-dollar smile

but don't let that fool you. He's a killer.

It's Harrison "The Hurricane".

MUSIC: Believe by Cher

Stop it! Stop!

No, I said no pictures! Get back! Get back!

Warren.

What the hell is this music?

What? You asked for Believe. Yeah, by Eminem.

MUSIC CHANGES

Oh, that's more like it.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lucci Bantz.

4K... CROWD: ..All day!

4K... CROWD: ..All day.

Woo! Let's go!

Right, gentlemen, before we weigh you,

let's face off for one last time.

Wait. What's this bit?

It's like Housewives, The Reunion. Oh, work!

Ha!

LUCCI LAUGHS

It's a pussy! I can't fight him,

I'll get done by the RSPCA, won't I?

Harrison, say something. Say something back to him.

Erm...

Erm...

WHISPERS: Stephen.

Uh...

Yeah? Well, you're a dumb ho. Ah!

And, er, your shorts are not giving, child.

Also, your shoulders are overdeveloped.

I'm going to go through you like Fraser's tuna bhuna.

ALL: Ooh!

That bad boy burns. WHISPERS: Go on, Harrison. One more.

HE PURRS

Meow! What's he doing? Stephen, what did you tell him?

I just said slap him.

Purr! Oh, God. He thinks he's a cat.

Meow!

Oh, no.

Oh, I think he likes you, look.

LAUGHS

SCREAMS

Oh! OK, OK, that'll do.

LAUGHTER

Get some of this inside you.

Ten inches of non-filtered eel.

I don't want the eel!

Er, Blessing, these odds are far too short.

I can't help it, sir. Everyone's betting on Harrison.

He made Lucci look like a dickhead in the weigh-in.

Even if I win, I ain't going to make any money.

And I've got my eye on this gorgeous little Mexican spot for my wedding.

Brand-new in town, it's called Taco Bella.

Are you trying to say Taco Bell in a Spanish accent?

No. Don't ask stupid questions.

Right, we need to change fighters.

The only way we can change fighters is through injury,

otherwise people are going to get suspicious.

Sir! Sir! Oh, my God! Harrison just headbutted a mirror!

There is blood everywhere!

Result! Problem solved.

Ha-ha! Right. Let's change this fighter.

We need to find someone that is utterly, utterly pathetic,

like a proper little streak of piss. Like a little...

Warren. Warren?

You can't make him fight Lucci Bantz, sir.

Warren has PTSD. Ah, is that the one where you can't concentrate?

No, it's post traumatic...

Oh, look, meatballs for lunch. Lovely. Come on, sir.

Sir, Lucci already humiliated me in front of the whole school.

You said you weren't going to make me fight. Warren,

if you get in that ring for me,

all of you can come to my wedding, yeah?

It's a free bar and some of the bridesmaids ain't picky.

Do it, Warren. Do it for the pussy, man.

I said they weren't picky, I didn't say they was blind.

I can't. I'm sorry.

Look, Warren, please.

If Kayleigh finds out that I've ruined her big day, then...

Well, then she's going to leave me.

I really love her.

Come on. You know you want to help me out.

OK. Yeah! Oh, my God, phallus!

What? Oh, my gosh! Who put that?

Right. Get out of the way, you dossers.

I am betting 500 quid on Warren

to win by knockout Round 4.

Thank you very much.

PHONE RINGS

Wait, let me at it. Let me see, let me see.

Hello, babe. You all right? ON PHONE: Mitchell, where are you?

Eh? Harper! Where are you?

Just give me sec, yeah? One sec.

All right, Miss? Look, when I agreed to this event,

I didn't expect you to invite the parents!

Well, of course, I invited the parents, Miss,

they're here to help the pot. A pot...

Pot...ential of this innovative disciplinary event.

I love your dickie bow... Sh!

Now, I know there's money changing hands.

Let me make this nice and easy, in words of one syllable,

I want you to get my beak wet.

Miss Hoburn, do you really think I would pull the ladder up? Yes.

The school gets the gate, you get the car park, how does that sound?

Deal. Hey! Yes, I drive a hard bargain, Mr Harper.

Don't forget,

I helped the government procure PPE during the pannie D.

Yeah, right. There you go.

Ooh! I like it. Sweet as.

PHONE BEEPS

Sorry, babe, where were we?

ON PHONE: Do you remember what we were meant to be doing tonight?

Huh?

Oh, shit! I forgot to cancel. Bollocks!

You ain't gone to Allbarone, have you?

You mean All Bar One?

Mitchell?

Ah, did you drive? That'll be the sat nav

getting confused. It done that to me... Mitchell, if you've spent

that money, I swear to God... No, no, no, no, no!

Babe, I will explain everything in about four rounds' time, yeah?

Uh, Usma? Usma! Can you get Kayleigh a seat, please? Front row.

Oh! Front row? With these clothes?

Just do it, please.

Come on, I'm really stressed out. What is going on?

Love you.

HE CHUCKLES

W...Welcome to Fight Night in Hertfordshire's Sin City!

Give it up!

CHEERING

I give you Lucci Bantz!

CROWD CHANT: Lucci! Lucci! Lucci!

BOOING That's me, huh? Lucci, that's me!

And now it is my pleasure to introduce Abbey Grove's most

sickening bitch, it's Warren!

MUSIC: If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher

Take his eyes out, Warren!

Woo!

Woo!

Warren, stop fannying about and get in the ring.

He can't even get in the ring. THEY LAUGH

Ow! Ah!

Sir, when I asked for a different song,

I didn't mean another one from the same Cher album.

Now, Warren, how do you see this fight playing out tonight?

I see it from a bird's-eye view.

I'm...I'm floating weightless...

watching my body being thrown around like a rag doll.

The higher I get, the less my death seems to matter. Ah, ah, ah!

There is a golden boy inside of you, not just a punched out trap!

As I said when I played Cagey Joe in Bugsy...

I don't know how that's going to help.

You're not listening!

I am a dead man walking and there's nothing that you learned as an

understudy on a free town tour of Bugsy Malone that can change that!

Bravo, Warren.

One minute in the spotlight and I don't even recognise you any more.

I would like to invite you all to stand for the national anthem.

# God save our... # # Oh say

# Can you see

# By the dawn's early light

# Oh the... #

SLURS LYRICS

# ..By the twilight's last gleaming?

# Whose broad stripes and bright stars

# Whoa! Whoa! #

Let's play some boxing!

All right, lads.

Right, keep it clean, obey my commands.

And my God have mercy on your souls. Touch gloves!

Go for it! Come on, Warren! Go for it!

WHIMPERS

Come on! Urgh!

Ow! Urgh!

Oh, my God, it's so violent!

WARREN GROANS

Ooh!

Yeah, that's it, Warren! Run away!

Help me! HELP!

Tie him up! Kill him, Warren! KILL HIM!

Oh, shit, listen to Usma. Someone woke up and chose violence.

Shame it wasn't Warren.

WARREN WHIMPERING

BELL

Someone get him some water!

Well done, Warren! Well done! That's it. Good man.

This is it, mate. This is it. Round 4, yeah?

Lucci is going to lower his guard

and that is your cue to land the punch. He's going to go down.

Game over.

BELL

You've got this one, Warren! Woo!

Lucci! Stick to the plan!

Oh!

STEPHEN SCREAMS

Warren! Warren!

One...

Come on, let's go! Huh?

..two...

Drink your Shake-Eel! 4K all day, people.

Oi! If Warren don't get up, I'm going to exclude you.

Fill your boots. Thanks to you, I got verified on TikTok.

The people love me! CROWD: Lucci! Lucci! Lucci!

..seven...

..eight... Get up!

And you're out.

BELL

Sit down. God! When's the interval?!

Let's go!

Oi, Blessing! Lucci's tucked me right up.

Take that and stick it on Lucci

to win by knockout in the 12th round, yeah?

But what about Warren, sir? Oh, he ain't got a chance, has he?

But you always back Class K.

Yeah? You tell that to Kayleigh. Just do it.

Go. All right, babe?

Move your bum! Oh!

WARREN MOANS

These heels are killing me! I'm sorry, sir.

I shouldn't have told people that you were an understudy.

Oh, don't worry. Nobody believed you anyway.

You just looked a bit bitter. I know you were rooting for me.

Er, I am always rooting for you.

Oi, Warren! I heard your nan was fit.

Fraser! What? I didn't tell him, what can I say? The kids got eyes.

Give me my gloves. I just want to hit him, just once.

He's strong but he's got no rhythm. You'll get your chance

but you have to dip, duck, and slide.

I don't know how to do any of that.

Yes, you do!

I'll say it again, I teach y'all transferable skills!

GROWLS

Gentlemen, Round 5!

Now...listen to me,

you're going to stay on beat just like a dance class

and take my direction, OK? Let's go.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Round 5.

BELL

Six, Pussycat Dolls! Roar! Boop!

Ha! Beyonce. Roar! Cha-cha!

And...yaas! Ha!

Ha! Westside! Roll!

Again, six, seven, eight!

Spice Girls! Seven, eight!

What are you doing? Hit me! Are you kidding?!

Yes, fight for this now! Fight, fight, fight!

Hit me! Come on! Again, fight, fight, fight! Woo!

What?! Gangnam Style!

Fraser.

Hello.

Keep going, you've got this, you've got this.

Finish!

Yes, Warren!

CHEERING

A one, a two,

a three... Oh, no, actually, can we get a medic, please,

to stop this boy bleeding on the canvas?

You won't believe how much it cost to hire. Oi, Miss.

I thought they loved me.

They did. Right up until the point where Warren slut-dropped you

into punching yourself in the face.

Fickle thing, fame.

Please don't let Miss Hoburn expel me, sir. My mum will kill me.

I promise I'll sign your report card,

as long as you promise to stop being a total bell-end.

Mm-hm, OK. Yeah?

Can I have your attention, please? It's time to announce the winner.

CHEERING

And the winner by disqualification is...

Lucci Bantz!

What? Huh? How?

Lead. From the chemistry lab roof.

Concealed in this boy's glove.

Now, I take cheating very seriously... Oh!

Oh, shit! Warren's a bad man! CHEERING

Did you put lead in Warren's gloves?

No. I'm not that smart. I didn't bet on the disqualification.

Kayleigh, look, I am so sorry. I'm an idiot.

I blew all of our wedding money on Anthony Costa. Who?

Who's Anthony Costa? Fraser, not now.

Red flag.

Kayleigh, I love you so much.

I tried to fix the fight to pay for our special day and I blew it.

You deserve so much more than me.

But I want to marry you for you, OK? I don't care where we do it.

I ain't even bought you a ring.

Well, there's a ring right here.

Are you serious?

Yes. Why not?

It's about you and me, right?

Surrounded by people who love us, but I do still want a proper ring.

Yeah, course.

Kayleigh, if you want to change your mind, nobody will judge you, OK?

But if I must, you may kiss the bride.

Come on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, sir!

Well, it's official. From boxing bells to wedding bells,

this brother is punching WAY above his weight. Facts.

Did all right, didn't I? Yeah, you did good.

Hmm?

How did you... When did you get...

Never bet against Class K.

Oi, bless him, Lucci's tucked me right up.

Take this and put it on Lucci to win by knockout on Round 12, yeah?

But what about Warren? Oh, he ain't got a chance, has he?

Put this on Lucci Bantz by disqualification in Round 5.

Oi! You want to rile him up? Diss his nan, she's a cougar.

I just want to hit him, just once.

Give me my gloves.

Oi, miss.

Blessing, you're a genius!

Enjoy your honeymoon, sir.

Oh, we will. We're going to do two weeks on this beautiful little island,

just off the coast of France it's called the...

IN FRENCH ACCENT: Isle du Wight.

Wow! I hope you and Kayleigh have a lovely time on the Isle of Wight.

Huh?

NEWS REPORTER: And 100 wedding guests,

some as young as 12 have been hospitalised by a mystery virus.

The groom has blamed the catering.

Slow down, buster! You've got the wrong guy!

Pavel! Edna! I thought we were friends!