All language subtitles for Bad Education S02E04 Valentines Day 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 x264-RCVR

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,850 --> 00:00:10,410 Oh, Alfred, this arrived in the post for you. 2 00:00:10,450 --> 00:00:12,490 Happy Valentine's, pal. 3 00:00:15,770 --> 00:00:17,290 It's not from her, is it? 4 00:00:18,450 --> 00:00:20,210 No. 5 00:00:20,250 --> 00:00:23,050 Though I'm sure Mum's thinking about us, 6 00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:26,170 over in Spain with Javier... and their children. 7 00:00:28,730 --> 00:00:29,730 Forest Fruit? 8 00:00:33,330 --> 00:00:36,330 So, are you bringing anyone to dinner tonight? 9 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:40,370 Ah, 'fraid not. Women aren't interested in an old saddo like me. 10 00:00:40,410 --> 00:00:42,850 Do you know, the other day I was trying to remember 11 00:00:42,890 --> 00:00:44,930 the last time I touched a woman's breast. 12 00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:51,450 It was your grandmother's - she'd asked me to check for a lump. 13 00:00:51,490 --> 00:00:54,330 Oh, Dad, TMI. 14 00:00:54,370 --> 00:00:59,530 You don't have to cook for me tonight. We could go out, lads on the town! Have a few Jaguar bombs. 15 00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:00,970 It's pronounced Jaeger bomb. 16 00:01:01,010 --> 00:01:03,210 And anyway, how many times do I have to tell you? 17 00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:05,890 It's Valentine's Day - people assume we're a couple. 18 00:01:05,930 --> 00:01:08,810 Well, it's not going to happen this year, is it? 19 00:01:08,850 --> 00:01:10,610 Not with your girlfriend in tow! 20 00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:13,810 I cannot wait to meet the famous Rosie Gullivard. 21 00:01:13,850 --> 00:01:16,410 Gulliver. She is still coming, isn't she? 22 00:01:16,450 --> 00:01:18,170 Um, yeah. 23 00:01:18,210 --> 00:01:20,850 Well, shouldn't you be going in? 24 00:01:26,650 --> 00:01:28,690 I might just stay a little bit longer. 25 00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:32,650 Look, trooper. I was a teacher for over 25 years 26 00:01:32,690 --> 00:01:35,490 and do you know the most important lesson I learnt? 27 00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:38,370 Respect is earned, not given. 28 00:01:38,410 --> 00:01:41,010 Dad, just give it a rest. 29 00:01:41,050 --> 00:01:44,410 And for your information, I have the pupils' respect. 30 00:02:19,850 --> 00:02:25,930 Dr Alfinstein! Stop playing God and meet our new deputy head. 31 00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:27,730 Hi. Alfie. 32 00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:28,770 Professor Green. 33 00:02:30,530 --> 00:02:33,170 What, seriously? As in Professor Green? 34 00:02:34,290 --> 00:02:39,690 Yes, my ex-husband is the feted gastroenterologist Professor Herman Green. 35 00:02:39,730 --> 00:02:42,810 No, Pro Green? The best British rapper since Brian Harvey, 36 00:02:42,850 --> 00:02:44,450 or maybe J from 5ive. 37 00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:47,090 I'm afraid I'm not very au fait with the rap-hop. 38 00:02:47,130 --> 00:02:52,770 I have, however, just been told all about Abbey Grove's... "wunderkind". 39 00:02:52,810 --> 00:02:55,290 Smoocher! A-ha, Smoocher! 40 00:02:57,130 --> 00:02:59,130 You forgot your lunch box. 41 00:02:59,170 --> 00:03:02,170 I popped an extra Yakult in there, help settle your tummy. 42 00:03:02,210 --> 00:03:03,650 He's got the... 43 00:03:04,850 --> 00:03:07,690 ..squits. Celia! 44 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:09,570 Martin? You know each other? 45 00:03:09,610 --> 00:03:12,530 Know each other? We did our teacher training together. 46 00:03:12,570 --> 00:03:16,130 Must be, what, 25 years? 47 00:03:16,170 --> 00:03:18,970 But what are you doing here? I pined for a challenge! 48 00:03:19,010 --> 00:03:23,690 To salvage a struggling school, get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove. 49 00:03:23,730 --> 00:03:25,050 Aye, aye, Cap'n! 50 00:03:26,370 --> 00:03:28,450 Classic! Well, it wasn't. 51 00:03:28,490 --> 00:03:30,450 How's... Herman, isn't it? 52 00:03:30,490 --> 00:03:32,810 Ah. Herman and I are no longer... 53 00:03:32,850 --> 00:03:35,290 Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. 54 00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:38,330 Herman never understood that my career came first. 55 00:03:38,370 --> 00:03:43,210 Perhaps that's what drove the little naughty man into the arms of a young... er lady! 56 00:03:49,610 --> 00:03:52,450 It's, um, ham and... 57 00:03:52,490 --> 00:03:53,690 Coleslaw. 58 00:03:53,730 --> 00:03:55,250 Coleslaw. Yes. 59 00:03:55,290 --> 00:04:00,090 Ah, the call to arms! 60 00:04:00,130 --> 00:04:02,930 Well, I mustn't keep you. After all "Punctuality is... 61 00:04:02,970 --> 00:04:04,610 "The politeness of kings." 62 00:04:06,370 --> 00:04:07,530 Go! 63 00:04:09,810 --> 00:04:13,410 Well, well, well. Martin Stool. 64 00:04:13,450 --> 00:04:18,330 Wickers. He took my mum's name, unsurprisingly. 65 00:04:18,370 --> 00:04:21,890 I can see you've got a whiff of the Stool about you. 66 00:04:21,930 --> 00:04:23,410 Probably the squits! 67 00:04:23,450 --> 00:04:27,010 Well, off to teach my first class. Au revoir. 68 00:04:27,050 --> 00:04:28,650 Ferrero Roche. 69 00:04:34,210 --> 00:04:35,530 You seem disappointed. 70 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,330 You thought it was going to be the real Pro Green, didn't you? 71 00:04:49,930 --> 00:04:53,130 Hey, 'sup, guys. Sweet threads. 72 00:04:53,170 --> 00:04:55,690 Sir, why are we wearing our home clothes? 73 00:04:55,730 --> 00:05:00,410 Cos Pickwell's dead! From now on, it's ice cream for breakfast, bitches! 74 00:05:01,690 --> 00:05:05,210 Joe, you're worse than my dad. Why are you so chipper? 75 00:05:05,250 --> 00:05:06,650 He's in lovvvvee. 76 00:05:06,690 --> 00:05:08,330 Oooh! 77 00:05:08,370 --> 00:05:09,730 Gay! 78 00:05:09,770 --> 00:05:12,130 So, that's why you've come as Olly Murs? 79 00:05:12,170 --> 00:05:14,250 Erm, Joseph, what's his name? 80 00:05:14,290 --> 00:05:17,250 HER name is Alison Dear and she's beautiful. 81 00:05:18,370 --> 00:05:19,610 Alison Dear? 82 00:05:20,850 --> 00:05:22,290 Oh, Ally Dear! 83 00:05:24,010 --> 00:05:30,650 �(Trademark)� Why do birds suddenly appear every time she is near? �(Trademark)� 84 00:05:30,690 --> 00:05:33,010 Cos her breath smells like a trawler. 85 00:05:33,050 --> 00:05:35,370 Alfie, do you think I should send her a card? 86 00:05:35,410 --> 00:05:39,210 That'd be a first. Someone sending a card TO Moonpig. 87 00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:42,090 You're just jealous cos you haven't got anyone to send a card TO. 88 00:05:42,130 --> 00:05:44,250 Ooh, Father's Day all over again. 89 00:05:44,290 --> 00:05:46,090 I got this card from Mitchell's mum. 90 00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:48,170 "Dear Rem-Dogg, here's your £20 back. 91 00:05:48,210 --> 00:05:50,450 "I can't charge you cos you were so good!" 92 00:05:50,490 --> 00:05:52,210 And I got a card from YOUR mum. 93 00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:54,650 Giving me back the Wotsits that I paid HER with! 94 00:05:54,690 --> 00:05:58,450 "PS, you banged me so hard now I'm in a wheelchair." 95 00:05:58,490 --> 00:06:00,250 Guys, I realise it's Valentine's Day, 96 00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:02,090 but could you please stop flirting? 97 00:06:02,130 --> 00:06:03,970 Speaking of which, where's Chantelle? 98 00:06:04,010 --> 00:06:06,090 She's seeing the school nurse. Is she ill? 99 00:06:06,130 --> 00:06:09,530 Sorry, sir, she made me make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise. 100 00:06:11,050 --> 00:06:15,010 Ah, Mr Wickers. Could we have a tete-a-tete in the corridor? 101 00:06:15,050 --> 00:06:17,850 Rem-Dogg, by the way, if you have been sleeping with Mitchell's mum 102 00:06:17,890 --> 00:06:20,210 I suggest you go and give your cock a thorough clean. 103 00:06:21,730 --> 00:06:24,930 Mr Wickers, is it my little betise, 104 00:06:24,970 --> 00:06:28,050 or does the school have a uniform? 105 00:06:28,090 --> 00:06:29,930 Yeah, a really stupid one. 106 00:06:29,970 --> 00:06:32,970 Hence I told my kids they can wear what they like now. 107 00:06:34,570 --> 00:06:37,170 You'll think me a grumpy old sourpuss, 108 00:06:37,210 --> 00:06:42,170 but I do think it lends Abbey Grove a certain sartorial elegance. 109 00:06:42,210 --> 00:06:45,530 I don't know what that means, so shall we just agree to disagree? 110 00:06:45,570 --> 00:06:48,930 Shouldn't one agree to agree with one's deputy head? 111 00:06:48,970 --> 00:06:51,530 I don't really go in for that whole teacher, naggy shit. 112 00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:52,770 Me and the kids are mates. 113 00:06:52,810 --> 00:06:55,490 "I", Mr Wickers, not "me". 114 00:06:55,530 --> 00:06:57,330 I and the kids are mates. 115 00:06:57,370 --> 00:06:58,770 But just, go with the flow. 116 00:06:58,810 --> 00:07:04,690 And, hey, remember, respect is a dish best served earned, 117 00:07:04,730 --> 00:07:07,050 not served... given. 118 00:07:14,090 --> 00:07:16,010 So, are we still on for tonight? 119 00:07:16,050 --> 00:07:18,410 Tonight? Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago 120 00:07:18,450 --> 00:07:21,370 we arranged for you to come to dinner because for some weird reason 121 00:07:21,410 --> 00:07:22,770 my dad thinks we're going out? 122 00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,370 What?! Why does your dad think that we're going out? 123 00:07:25,410 --> 00:07:28,130 Long story, don't want to bore you with it. Try me. 124 00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:31,330 I told him. Please do this for me? 125 00:07:31,370 --> 00:07:33,210 I'm seeing Alex. 126 00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:36,170 But he's really depressed. If he finds out that I'm unhappy too 127 00:07:36,210 --> 00:07:38,570 this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. 128 00:07:38,610 --> 00:07:41,370 Are you saying your father's life is in my hands? Er, no, 129 00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:44,130 but literary analogy, you're Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath. 130 00:07:44,170 --> 00:07:46,570 I don't want to find him putting his head into a gas oven. 131 00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:49,370 He's not going to put his head in an oven if I don't come for dinner. 132 00:07:49,410 --> 00:07:52,130 Yeah, well, obviously not, cos I don't have an oven in my flat. 133 00:07:52,170 --> 00:07:54,130 He could use the microwave. 134 00:07:54,170 --> 00:07:56,370 Actually, you couldn't use a microwave 135 00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:59,050 cos when you tried to shut it your head would stop the door. 136 00:07:59,090 --> 00:08:01,690 He could take it into the bath. 137 00:08:01,730 --> 00:08:05,210 Shower! My flat only has a shower! 138 00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:07,890 Sorry, read that essay title again? 139 00:08:07,930 --> 00:08:12,250 "Who first popularised the 'Awooga' mantra? Discuss." 140 00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:14,250 And how is this relevant? 141 00:08:14,290 --> 00:08:16,730 Look, Jing, now that Pickwell's not around to tell me 142 00:08:16,770 --> 00:08:18,330 what I can and can't teach, 143 00:08:18,370 --> 00:08:20,890 you're going to notice quite a few changes round here. 144 00:08:20,930 --> 00:08:24,290 Now, scholars are divided into three schools of thought. 145 00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:28,050 Charles, Akabusi, "Fash the Bash" Fashanu. 146 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:31,930 Oi, Dickers, what you doing tonight? Fash-the-bashing one out to ten-minute free-view? 147 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,170 No, Mitchell. If you must know 148 00:08:34,210 --> 00:08:37,690 I'm going on a Valentine's Day dinner... with my dad. 149 00:08:37,730 --> 00:08:41,210 I can't work out whether that's really sweet or incredibly sad. 150 00:08:41,250 --> 00:08:44,090 The problem is, right, I told him Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend 151 00:08:44,130 --> 00:08:46,770 and he wants to meet her tonight but she won't come with me, 152 00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:48,730 so I need a surrogate. OK, so mainly sad. 153 00:08:48,770 --> 00:08:52,810 My sister might be up for helping you out, sir. She ain't got a date tonight. Really? 154 00:08:52,850 --> 00:08:55,250 Oh, wait - do I have to, like, grab her 155 00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:57,970 or fight someone in a car park to win her hand? 156 00:08:58,010 --> 00:09:00,610 Nah, just get her a Bargain Bucket. I'll text her now. 157 00:09:00,650 --> 00:09:03,570 Oh, thanks, mate. Really appreciate that. 158 00:09:04,650 --> 00:09:06,690 Murs, are you all right? 159 00:09:06,730 --> 00:09:11,650 It's Ally. I was going to ask her out, but she totally blanked me. 160 00:09:11,690 --> 00:09:14,170 She probably doesn't even realise you like her, mate! 161 00:09:14,210 --> 00:09:16,530 I just feel so empty. 162 00:09:16,570 --> 00:09:20,770 Don't look it. Sir, I've got something for you to look at. 163 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,490 If you've put undergarments in my Valentine's card again, 164 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:26,650 I'm not accepting them. No, sir. Look! 165 00:09:26,690 --> 00:09:28,570 I'm pregnant! 166 00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:34,050 Are you sure? 167 00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:36,810 Yep, she showed me the test and everything. 168 00:09:36,850 --> 00:09:39,770 Maybe all that flirting was just a cry for help. 169 00:09:39,810 --> 00:09:41,850 Why didn't I do something earlier? 170 00:09:41,890 --> 00:09:44,170 Talk to her - you're a good listener. 171 00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:47,810 Sorry, what? I said you're a good listener. 172 00:09:47,850 --> 00:09:49,770 Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't blame myself. 173 00:09:49,810 --> 00:09:52,010 If anything, I've fulfilled my role as a guardian. 174 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:55,010 If the finger's going to be pointed at anyone it's her peer groups, 175 00:09:55,050 --> 00:09:57,810 whether that's her friends at school or her parents. Bang on. 176 00:09:57,850 --> 00:10:01,210 A teenage pregnancy foisted upon me already! 177 00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:03,450 Abbey Grove does not disappoint. 178 00:10:05,290 --> 00:10:07,010 God. 179 00:10:07,050 --> 00:10:09,370 I'm sorry, Rosie, I've failed her. 180 00:10:09,410 --> 00:10:12,890 Alfie, calm down. Just call Chantelle's mum. 181 00:10:12,930 --> 00:10:15,650 No way! She's so flirty. 182 00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:18,210 Plus, I think her number's a premium line. 183 00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:21,570 Still, no doubt the whole school can learn a lesson from her predicament. 184 00:10:21,610 --> 00:10:24,370 The school isn't learning anything. 185 00:10:24,410 --> 00:10:26,530 That, I do not dispute. 186 00:10:26,570 --> 00:10:30,490 I meant from Chantelle. She's not going public with it. 187 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:33,130 She's made us all make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise. 188 00:10:33,170 --> 00:10:34,610 Do we know who sired the infant? 189 00:10:36,650 --> 00:10:38,010 Who's the father? 190 00:10:38,050 --> 00:10:41,770 Oh. We don't know, but I guess we'll find out soon. 191 00:10:41,810 --> 00:10:43,810 She's going to name the baby after its dad. 192 00:10:45,210 --> 00:10:47,810 Sorry, what do you know about Chantelle? 193 00:10:47,850 --> 00:10:51,570 Well, I know that letting pupils... how did you put it? 194 00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:53,450 "Go with the flow"? 195 00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:56,650 ..Always damages the reputation of a school. Full stop. 196 00:10:56,690 --> 00:11:00,810 Yeah, well, I let my pupils "go with the flow" 197 00:11:00,850 --> 00:11:05,090 because I'm not here to bully them, am I? Full stop. 198 00:11:05,130 --> 00:11:08,050 That's not a full stop, that's a question mark. 199 00:11:08,090 --> 00:11:10,290 You asked me a question. 200 00:11:10,330 --> 00:11:12,610 Whatever. Comma. 201 00:11:12,650 --> 00:11:15,050 Semi-colon. Square brackets. 202 00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:16,890 That stupid "and". 203 00:11:16,930 --> 00:11:18,610 He's just upset, Celia. 204 00:11:18,650 --> 00:11:20,890 I think I prefer Professor Green. 205 00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:24,010 I think I prefer Miss Pickwell. 206 00:11:25,050 --> 00:11:27,610 Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle, OK? 207 00:11:27,650 --> 00:11:30,290 And I suggest you do so with greater didacticism. 208 00:11:30,330 --> 00:11:35,570 Oooh! I'll be piling on the didackanism by the shedload. 209 00:11:35,610 --> 00:11:39,490 Just as soon as I've googled it to find out what it means. 210 00:11:42,570 --> 00:11:44,370 Help! Help! 211 00:11:53,650 --> 00:11:57,290 Thanks, Alf. I got stuck - bloody Love Lift! 212 00:11:57,330 --> 00:12:01,610 What is this? This bad boy is for Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out. 213 00:12:01,650 --> 00:12:06,290 I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin Rail and onto the Pum-Tang Express. 214 00:12:06,330 --> 00:12:09,810 A dating show for the kids? Well, that's going to be pants. 215 00:12:09,850 --> 00:12:12,250 Actually, wait, can we pick who goes on it? 216 00:12:12,290 --> 00:12:14,170 Of course. You know Alison Dear? 217 00:12:15,730 --> 00:12:17,890 Oh, Ally Dear? We can put her down. 218 00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:19,690 I didn't know you were a chubby chaser. 219 00:12:19,730 --> 00:12:22,930 No, not for me. I'm trying to set her up with Joe Poulter. 220 00:12:22,970 --> 00:12:25,690 Consider it done. See, now you likey? 221 00:12:25,730 --> 00:12:28,690 I don't like-li... It's a shit idea 222 00:12:28,730 --> 00:12:31,650 but at least it's better than your tragic online dating. 223 00:12:31,690 --> 00:12:34,970 There's nothing tragic about my date tonight. The itinerary - 224 00:12:35,010 --> 00:12:38,250 ice skating, Pizza-Sex-press, then apres, 225 00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:41,810 see if we can't find the willy-wagon somewhere warm to park... 226 00:12:41,850 --> 00:12:45,450 Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. 227 00:12:59,410 --> 00:13:04,090 Chantelle, I think at some point we should, er, you know, um, talk... 228 00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:07,530 About the baby? Have you told anyone else? 229 00:13:07,570 --> 00:13:11,610 No! BFF personal padlock pinky promise. 230 00:13:11,650 --> 00:13:14,570 Thanks, sir. Oh, I've changed my mind. 231 00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:17,570 I'm naming him after my favourite teacher. 232 00:13:17,610 --> 00:13:18,850 Baby Alfie. 233 00:13:18,890 --> 00:13:21,810 Oh, right... good. 234 00:13:21,850 --> 00:13:24,330 Sir, do you think pregnancy's made my breasts bigger? 235 00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:28,850 I'm just going to... go over there. 236 00:13:30,130 --> 00:13:34,050 Alfie, I feel like there's something I need to make really clear. 237 00:13:34,090 --> 00:13:36,570 I honestly can't come tonight. 238 00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:39,730 Oh. One of those Royal Mail missed delivery things. 239 00:13:39,770 --> 00:13:41,210 It's handwritten. 240 00:13:42,290 --> 00:13:45,130 So it is. Royal Mail - the personal touch. 241 00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:49,650 It's your address. I must... live above a depot. 242 00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:55,530 Look, please come. I know it's a weird situation, but I'm desperate. 243 00:13:55,570 --> 00:13:57,930 I'm sorry, Alf, I'm seeing Alex tonight. 244 00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:00,410 And if you must know, we're having some problems. 245 00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:03,010 Turns out I do have some issues with my... 246 00:14:17,530 --> 00:14:19,570 Come on! 247 00:14:24,210 --> 00:14:26,170 Calm down, calm down! 248 00:14:26,210 --> 00:14:28,010 Hello and welcome to Take Me Out! 249 00:14:28,050 --> 00:14:31,410 We've got six lovely ladies gagging for a fella 250 00:14:31,450 --> 00:14:35,810 and the date of a lifetime on the Isle of... ALL: Fernandoze! 251 00:14:35,850 --> 00:14:38,330 That's it, girls, zhuzh up your hair, pout your lips 252 00:14:38,370 --> 00:14:40,450 and hitch up your skir... 253 00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:41,570 Hair again. 254 00:14:41,610 --> 00:14:44,290 Let the Abbey see the Grove. 255 00:14:44,330 --> 00:14:46,210 Single men, reveal yourselves! 256 00:14:50,450 --> 00:14:52,290 It's Reggie Blinker! 257 00:14:55,450 --> 00:14:59,770 You know how it works, girls, no likey... No lighty! 258 00:15:03,330 --> 00:15:06,410 Oh, God. This is going to be a car crash. 259 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:18,090 No likey, no light... aaaah! 260 00:15:18,130 --> 00:15:21,250 Off! Off! Off! 261 00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:38,450 Let Mr Popplecock 262 00:15:38,490 --> 00:15:41,890 see the redundancy package! 263 00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:44,770 Probably not the time for this announcement, but, seriously - 264 00:15:44,810 --> 00:15:46,170 we will all miss you. 265 00:15:47,730 --> 00:15:50,090 Single man, reveal yourself! 266 00:15:53,490 --> 00:15:56,690 Help! Help! 267 00:15:56,730 --> 00:15:59,410 The door's a bit sticky... Help! 268 00:15:59,450 --> 00:16:02,730 Just needs a bit of force. 269 00:16:02,770 --> 00:16:05,330 Come on, big guy, work with me here. 270 00:16:07,450 --> 00:16:09,330 Oh! 271 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:19,450 Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf. 272 00:16:19,490 --> 00:16:24,290 So, no likey... No lighty. 273 00:16:27,170 --> 00:16:28,650 Yes! Get in there! 274 00:16:30,010 --> 00:16:33,530 Round two! So, what sets you apart from the crowd? 275 00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:35,570 Um. Asthma? 276 00:16:35,610 --> 00:16:38,890 And a big willy - woooo! 277 00:16:38,930 --> 00:16:41,890 So, why do you want to be on the show? 278 00:16:41,930 --> 00:16:44,690 Um, I just wanted to ask, um... 279 00:16:44,730 --> 00:16:45,730 Ally... 280 00:16:46,850 --> 00:16:49,410 ..um, would you...? 281 00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:56,530 What are you doing? 282 00:16:56,570 --> 00:17:01,290 I know it's awfully jolly, trivialising sexual promiscuity... 283 00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:04,410 Are you from the past? I mean, who even talks like that? 284 00:17:04,450 --> 00:17:07,210 ..but given the current situation... 285 00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:08,570 What situation? 286 00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,970 Chantelle Parsons. She's pregnant. 287 00:17:11,010 --> 00:17:13,810 Oops! What a slippy goose! 288 00:17:13,850 --> 00:17:16,490 Right! You have no right to talk about that! 289 00:17:16,530 --> 00:17:20,170 Sir! You broke the BFF personal padlock pinky promise! 290 00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:23,130 I'm sorry. I was asking Miss Gulliver for advice. 291 00:17:23,170 --> 00:17:25,410 And YOU! I told you this was a secret. 292 00:17:25,450 --> 00:17:28,770 God, you can be so didactism - noun, intending to teach, 293 00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:30,850 with an emphasis on moral instruction. 294 00:17:30,890 --> 00:17:34,210 I can be so didactic, Alfred. The adjective. 295 00:17:35,330 --> 00:17:37,330 Look, it's not Chantelle's fault. 296 00:17:37,370 --> 00:17:40,690 If anyone's to blame for this pregnancy, it's me. 297 00:17:40,730 --> 00:17:44,850 Sir, will you look after me and Baby Alfie? 298 00:17:44,890 --> 00:17:47,810 Baby Alfie? Mr Wickers! 299 00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:49,810 No, I forgot to tell you... 300 00:17:49,850 --> 00:17:51,490 Dickers is the dad. What a nonce! 301 00:17:51,530 --> 00:17:54,450 At least you're not firing blanks. It's not mine, you idiot. 302 00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:56,810 I just meant that I'd help look after the child. 303 00:17:56,850 --> 00:17:59,730 Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice, like Jean Valjean in Les Mis. 304 00:17:59,770 --> 00:18:03,410 Yes, exactly, like Stephen says, like the man in Les Miserables. 305 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:06,450 Prove it, sir. Sing! I'm not going to sing. 306 00:18:06,490 --> 00:18:08,970 Explain yourself, Mr Wickers. 307 00:18:09,010 --> 00:18:11,290 I... It's not... 308 00:18:11,330 --> 00:18:14,250 Dream a dream. Sing! 309 00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:16,490 Yeah, go on, sir. Don't. 310 00:18:22,770 --> 00:18:29,050 �(Trademark)� Chantelle, I shall be the child's guardian 311 00:18:29,090 --> 00:18:33,610 �(Trademark)� Even though I did not shag you 312 00:18:33,650 --> 00:18:39,650 �(Trademark)� I have done no wrong Just like Jean Valjean 313 00:18:39,690 --> 00:18:42,250 �(Trademark)� He stole a loaf of bread 314 00:18:42,290 --> 00:18:50,170 �(Trademark)� I stand accused of putting a bun in the oven inste-e-e-a-ad. �(Trademark)� 315 00:18:56,490 --> 00:18:57,890 That was so beautiful! 316 00:18:57,930 --> 00:19:00,330 Why did you do that? I don't know. 317 00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:03,970 Mr Wickers, if you have impregnated this young lady, 318 00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,930 I shall be calling the constabulary. 319 00:19:06,970 --> 00:19:08,050 The police. 320 00:19:08,090 --> 00:19:11,410 No! Not the police! No, Professor Green. Please! 321 00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:13,690 Wait! I'm not pregnant. 322 00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:15,010 What?! 323 00:19:15,050 --> 00:19:16,250 I lied. 324 00:19:17,450 --> 00:19:20,010 I just wanted it to look like someone loves me. 325 00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:23,810 And I wanted you to notice me, sir. 326 00:19:23,850 --> 00:19:27,250 Chantelle, you don't need to lie to get my attention. 327 00:19:27,290 --> 00:19:28,850 I'm always here for you. 328 00:19:28,890 --> 00:19:31,930 Yeah, so back off, Javert. 329 00:19:36,130 --> 00:19:39,090 Alfie, Ally's going on a date with me! Really? 330 00:19:39,130 --> 00:19:42,370 Yeah. On Saturday, we're going to World of Waffles in Watford! 331 00:19:42,410 --> 00:19:45,850 Amazing, mate. Well done. Ooh, and you know what that means? 332 00:19:45,890 --> 00:19:49,050 Cos I kinda made it happen, you are indebted to me 333 00:19:49,090 --> 00:19:53,490 for the rest of your life, so... you can cook, right? 334 00:19:53,530 --> 00:19:55,930 Yeah, I know my way around a George Foreman grill. 335 00:19:55,970 --> 00:19:58,490 Will you help me with my dinner party tonight? OK. 336 00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:01,610 Sweet! I knew I could count on you. Cheers, mate. 337 00:20:01,650 --> 00:20:05,370 Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister round mine for about 7, 7.30. 338 00:20:05,410 --> 00:20:07,730 I'm afraid she ain't coming nowhere near you, mate. 339 00:20:07,770 --> 00:20:09,890 What? Why? Well, she Facebooked you. 340 00:20:09,930 --> 00:20:12,330 We had a deal. Well, I didn't make your profile picture 341 00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:15,210 some nerd dressed as Gandalf. Me and the lads were on a pub crawl. 342 00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:18,586 Don't worry. I got a back-up plan. One of my brother's girlfriends said she'll do it. 343 00:20:18,610 --> 00:20:22,690 You promise me this time? Yes, Bilbo Bell-End. Just text me your address and she'll be there. 344 00:20:22,730 --> 00:20:26,210 OK, deal! And FYI, I wasn't dressed as Gandalf. 345 00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:29,130 I was dressed as Sauron, in his guise as the first Chief Lieutenant 346 00:20:29,170 --> 00:20:32,010 to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth, around the time he overran Eregion, 347 00:20:32,050 --> 00:20:35,810 killed Celebrimbor, leader of the Elven-smiths, and sealed seven of the nine Rings of Power. 348 00:20:35,850 --> 00:20:37,210 So who's the dickhead now? 349 00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,370 Sweet - Mitchell's brother's girlfriend's on her way. 350 00:20:52,410 --> 00:20:54,290 Here are your ingredients. 351 00:20:57,370 --> 00:20:58,890 Mitchell got it for me. 352 00:20:58,930 --> 00:21:01,970 Alfie, I can cook spag bol but I can't cook bunny rabbits. 353 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:05,530 Oh, come on, it's easy! Just shave it, stick an onion up its bum 354 00:21:05,570 --> 00:21:07,610 and then put it in the microwave. 355 00:21:07,650 --> 00:21:09,850 Hey, Smooch, groovy news. I've got a hot date. 356 00:21:09,890 --> 00:21:12,090 That's brilliant, Dad. Who is she? 357 00:21:16,810 --> 00:21:20,050 Oh, sorry, there must be some kind of a mix-up. 358 00:21:20,090 --> 00:21:21,890 Halloween's not till October, 359 00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:25,290 and even then, it's only really the children who dress up as monsters, 360 00:21:25,330 --> 00:21:30,330 so how about you "fuck off" and stop trying to "ruin my life"? 361 00:21:30,370 --> 00:21:32,450 Good evening, Alfred. 362 00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:34,810 Celia! Hello-ha! 363 00:21:34,850 --> 00:21:36,730 Let me take your coat. 364 00:21:36,770 --> 00:21:39,050 Shut. Up. 365 00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:42,090 So lovely to see you, Martin. Oh, likewise. 366 00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:56,250 What are you doing here? 367 00:21:56,290 --> 00:21:59,170 Your father invited me for dinner on the Facebook. 368 00:21:59,210 --> 00:22:01,770 Oh! I don't know what is more sickening, 369 00:22:01,810 --> 00:22:04,490 the fact that YOU'RE here or that my dad's on Facebook. 370 00:22:04,530 --> 00:22:08,490 Poke! 371 00:22:08,530 --> 00:22:12,130 Poke! Glass of vinegar, my luvver? 372 00:22:12,170 --> 00:22:13,970 Oh! 373 00:22:14,010 --> 00:22:16,730 So did you meet Alfred's bit of skirt today? 374 00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,930 Oh! I thought Alfie was single! 375 00:22:18,970 --> 00:22:23,010 Hands off! Alfie is dating the famous Rosie Gulliver. 376 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:25,850 She's coming tonight - it's a double date. 377 00:22:25,890 --> 00:22:27,810 Is she now? 378 00:22:30,810 --> 00:22:33,890 Professor Green, could I have a word with you in the kitchen 379 00:22:33,930 --> 00:22:35,770 about your dietary requirements? 380 00:22:38,850 --> 00:22:41,450 Look, the Rosie Gulliver coming for dinner tonight 381 00:22:41,490 --> 00:22:43,890 isn't the real Rosie Gulliver. 382 00:22:43,930 --> 00:22:47,010 My dad's got confused and now it's too far down the line. 383 00:22:47,050 --> 00:22:49,730 I'm begging you, when you see this girl, can you just... 384 00:22:49,770 --> 00:22:51,690 Go with the flow? 385 00:22:53,130 --> 00:22:55,530 My kids'll be back in school uniforms tomorrow. 386 00:22:55,570 --> 00:22:59,050 And you'll stop setting them essays on catchphrases from the '90s? Yes. 387 00:22:59,090 --> 00:23:01,530 And you'll stop teaching us topless whenever it's hot? 388 00:23:01,570 --> 00:23:04,330 Shut up, Joe. This has nothing to do with you. 389 00:23:06,210 --> 00:23:08,130 That'll be "Rosie". 390 00:23:12,090 --> 00:23:13,650 You Mitchell's mate? 391 00:23:13,690 --> 00:23:16,330 His brother sent me. 392 00:23:19,650 --> 00:23:21,450 Oh, shit! 393 00:23:22,530 --> 00:23:26,250 No, Mitchell, your brother is not a playa, he's a payer. 394 00:23:26,290 --> 00:23:28,730 She is 100% a prostitute! 395 00:23:28,770 --> 00:23:35,010 Hi. I can offer you £20, some cod liver oil and a rabbit... 396 00:23:35,050 --> 00:23:37,290 to make you go away. 397 00:23:37,330 --> 00:23:39,170 How d'you cook that? 398 00:23:39,210 --> 00:23:41,290 Onion up the bum. Bye! 399 00:23:41,330 --> 00:23:44,050 You know, now you've paid, 400 00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:47,050 you can put your onion up my rabbit-hole! 401 00:23:59,690 --> 00:24:02,850 I wanted the car cleaned on the outside AND the inside, 402 00:24:02,890 --> 00:24:05,810 but they thought I only wanted the outside done. 403 00:24:05,850 --> 00:24:09,410 In the end, I had to vacuum the inside myself! 404 00:24:10,810 --> 00:24:15,130 Oh, Martin, that is such a funny story! 405 00:24:15,170 --> 00:24:18,890 Funny?! I think you need to check your dictionary app. 406 00:24:18,930 --> 00:24:22,770 God! This is the most middle-aged dinner party ever. 407 00:24:22,810 --> 00:24:27,650 Martin, do you like the television programme Mad Men? 408 00:24:27,690 --> 00:24:29,010 I love it. 409 00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:31,810 Mmm, I think you're a bit of a Don Draper. 410 00:24:31,850 --> 00:24:35,050 OK, toots. Care for another Scotch? 411 00:24:35,090 --> 00:24:37,610 Oh, sorry, that was an American accent? 412 00:24:37,650 --> 00:24:40,530 Dad, you sounded like a Jamaican having a stroke. 413 00:24:40,570 --> 00:24:42,610 My wife went to the West Indies. 414 00:24:42,650 --> 00:24:43,850 Oh, God. Jamaica? 415 00:24:43,890 --> 00:24:45,370 No, she went of her own acc... 416 00:24:46,850 --> 00:24:51,290 Joe! Can you please bring in some bleach so I can kill myself? 417 00:24:51,330 --> 00:24:54,570 Oops, someone's a bit T-I-R-D�E. 418 00:24:54,610 --> 00:24:58,930 Cheer up, Grumpo. Rosie'll pull through, it's only a touch of flu. 419 00:24:58,970 --> 00:25:02,650 Yes. So sad she's not feeling herself. 420 00:25:04,210 --> 00:25:08,250 Look... Dad, I might as well just be honest with you. 421 00:25:08,290 --> 00:25:10,650 The thing is, Rosie... 422 00:25:15,930 --> 00:25:17,490 Rosie! 423 00:25:17,530 --> 00:25:19,730 I thought... 424 00:25:19,770 --> 00:25:21,090 What about Alex? 425 00:25:22,330 --> 00:25:23,850 We've broken up. 426 00:25:25,250 --> 00:25:28,050 Anyway, I just thought that you might cheer me up. 427 00:25:29,490 --> 00:25:32,770 You could tell your face to look a little less happy. 428 00:25:37,490 --> 00:25:38,850 I can't believe you came! 429 00:25:38,890 --> 00:25:42,010 Well, you were there for Chantelle so I thought I'd be here for you. 430 00:25:42,050 --> 00:25:45,370 Thanks. Oh, and you don't need to pretend to be my girlfriend. 431 00:25:45,410 --> 00:25:47,570 I'm just going to tell my dad the truth. 432 00:25:47,610 --> 00:25:49,850 No, I don't mind being your girlfriend for one night. 433 00:25:49,890 --> 00:25:51,970 Does that mean you'll be sleeping over? No. 434 00:25:52,010 --> 00:25:54,690 Oh, sorry, it's just, I have this Postman Pat bed linen 435 00:25:54,730 --> 00:25:56,890 so I would've change... Shall I come in? 436 00:25:56,930 --> 00:25:59,490 Yeah. Pro Green won't know what's hit her! 437 00:25:59,530 --> 00:26:01,850 Pro Green?! Don't ask. 438 00:26:03,450 --> 00:26:06,170 Dad, Celia, guess who's here? 439 00:26:06,210 --> 00:26:08,410 Hey, Miss Gulliver. 440 00:26:08,450 --> 00:26:09,850 Where are they? 441 00:26:09,890 --> 00:26:12,530 Oh, um, Pro Green wanted to take a look at your bedroom 442 00:26:12,570 --> 00:26:14,930 so your dad took her in there. He's very drunk. 443 00:26:14,970 --> 00:26:16,610 My bedroom?! 444 00:26:20,170 --> 00:26:22,050 Oh, my God. 445 00:26:25,050 --> 00:26:28,090 Oh, Celia! Not in Alfie's room! 446 00:26:28,130 --> 00:26:29,850 I've made blancmange. 447 00:26:43,730 --> 00:26:47,490 Did you know that apart from us, 448 00:26:47,530 --> 00:26:51,370 the only other animal to get sunburnt is the pig? 449 00:26:56,850 --> 00:26:59,130 God. Imagine if this got round the school. 450 00:26:59,170 --> 00:27:00,490 We won't tell anyone. 451 00:27:03,490 --> 00:27:05,210 It's Mitchell. 452 00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:09,290 "What's long and hard and covered in Green? Your dad's cock". 453 00:27:10,530 --> 00:27:11,690 Joe! 454 00:27:13,210 --> 00:27:15,730 I might have tweeted, like, once. 455 00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:29,850 Oh! Oh, yeah. 456 00:27:36,450 --> 00:27:37,850 Alfred. 457 00:27:37,890 --> 00:27:38,930 Rosie! 458 00:27:40,330 --> 00:27:42,450 "Go with the flow"! 459 00:27:46,610 --> 00:27:48,810 Well, jolly good. Bravo. 460 00:27:51,530 --> 00:27:53,650 Goodnight. Bye, Martin. 461 00:27:55,690 --> 00:27:57,970 Alfred. Rosemary. 462 00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,170 Goodnight. Night. Night. 463 00:28:02,370 --> 00:28:04,490 Dad, this is... 464 00:28:04,530 --> 00:28:05,930 Hi, I'm Rosie. 465 00:28:05,970 --> 00:28:10,010 Oh, er, probably best not shake my... 466 00:28:10,050 --> 00:28:13,050 I'm just going to put these sheets in the wash. 467 00:28:13,090 --> 00:28:16,530 I tried to keep a lid on it but... it's been a while. 468 00:28:18,130 --> 00:28:20,210 Postman Pat's fine. 469 00:28:20,250 --> 00:28:22,290 Mrs Goggins took the brunt of it. 37337

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