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1
00:00:05,850 --> 00:00:10,410
Oh, Alfred, this arrived
in the post for you.
2
00:00:10,450 --> 00:00:12,490
Happy Valentine's, pal.
3
00:00:15,770 --> 00:00:17,290
It's not from her, is it?
4
00:00:18,450 --> 00:00:20,210
No.
5
00:00:20,250 --> 00:00:23,050
Though I'm sure
Mum's thinking about us,
6
00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:26,170
over in Spain with Javier...
and their children.
7
00:00:28,730 --> 00:00:29,730
Forest Fruit?
8
00:00:33,330 --> 00:00:36,330
So, are you bringing anyone
to dinner tonight?
9
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:40,370
Ah, 'fraid not. Women aren't
interested in an old saddo like me.
10
00:00:40,410 --> 00:00:42,850
Do you know, the other day
I was trying to remember
11
00:00:42,890 --> 00:00:44,930
the last time
I touched a woman's breast.
12
00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:51,450
It was your grandmother's - she'd
asked me to check for a lump.
13
00:00:51,490 --> 00:00:54,330
Oh, Dad, TMI.
14
00:00:54,370 --> 00:00:59,530
You don't have to cook for me tonight. We could go
out, lads on the town! Have a few Jaguar bombs.
15
00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:00,970
It's pronounced Jaeger bomb.
16
00:01:01,010 --> 00:01:03,210
And anyway, how many times
do I have to tell you?
17
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:05,890
It's Valentine's Day -
people assume we're a couple.
18
00:01:05,930 --> 00:01:08,810
Well, it's not going to happen
this year, is it?
19
00:01:08,850 --> 00:01:10,610
Not with your girlfriend in tow!
20
00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:13,810
I cannot wait to meet
the famous Rosie Gullivard.
21
00:01:13,850 --> 00:01:16,410
Gulliver. She is still coming,
isn't she?
22
00:01:16,450 --> 00:01:18,170
Um, yeah.
23
00:01:18,210 --> 00:01:20,850
Well, shouldn't you be going in?
24
00:01:26,650 --> 00:01:28,690
I might just stay
a little bit longer.
25
00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:32,650
Look, trooper. I was a teacher
for over 25 years
26
00:01:32,690 --> 00:01:35,490
and do you know the most
important lesson I learnt?
27
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:38,370
Respect is earned, not given.
28
00:01:38,410 --> 00:01:41,010
Dad, just give it a rest.
29
00:01:41,050 --> 00:01:44,410
And for your information,
I have the pupils' respect.
30
00:02:19,850 --> 00:02:25,930
Dr Alfinstein! Stop playing God
and meet our new deputy head.
31
00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:27,730
Hi. Alfie.
32
00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:28,770
Professor Green.
33
00:02:30,530 --> 00:02:33,170
What, seriously?
As in Professor Green?
34
00:02:34,290 --> 00:02:39,690
Yes, my ex-husband is the feted
gastroenterologist Professor Herman Green.
35
00:02:39,730 --> 00:02:42,810
No, Pro Green? The best British
rapper since Brian Harvey,
36
00:02:42,850 --> 00:02:44,450
or maybe J from 5ive.
37
00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:47,090
I'm afraid I'm not very au fait
with the rap-hop.
38
00:02:47,130 --> 00:02:52,770
I have, however, just been told all
about Abbey Grove's... "wunderkind".
39
00:02:52,810 --> 00:02:55,290
Smoocher! A-ha, Smoocher!
40
00:02:57,130 --> 00:02:59,130
You forgot your lunch box.
41
00:02:59,170 --> 00:03:02,170
I popped an extra Yakult in there,
help settle your tummy.
42
00:03:02,210 --> 00:03:03,650
He's got the...
43
00:03:04,850 --> 00:03:07,690
..squits. Celia!
44
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:09,570
Martin? You know each other?
45
00:03:09,610 --> 00:03:12,530
Know each other? We did
our teacher training together.
46
00:03:12,570 --> 00:03:16,130
Must be, what, 25 years?
47
00:03:16,170 --> 00:03:18,970
But what are you doing here?
I pined for a challenge!
48
00:03:19,010 --> 00:03:23,690
To salvage a struggling school,
get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove.
49
00:03:23,730 --> 00:03:25,050
Aye, aye, Cap'n!
50
00:03:26,370 --> 00:03:28,450
Classic! Well, it wasn't.
51
00:03:28,490 --> 00:03:30,450
How's... Herman, isn't it?
52
00:03:30,490 --> 00:03:32,810
Ah. Herman and I are no longer...
53
00:03:32,850 --> 00:03:35,290
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
54
00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:38,330
Herman never understood
that my career came first.
55
00:03:38,370 --> 00:03:43,210
Perhaps that's what drove the little naughty
man into the arms of a young... er lady!
56
00:03:49,610 --> 00:03:52,450
It's, um, ham and...
57
00:03:52,490 --> 00:03:53,690
Coleslaw.
58
00:03:53,730 --> 00:03:55,250
Coleslaw. Yes.
59
00:03:55,290 --> 00:04:00,090
Ah, the call to arms!
60
00:04:00,130 --> 00:04:02,930
Well, I mustn't keep you.
After all "Punctuality is...
61
00:04:02,970 --> 00:04:04,610
"The politeness of kings."
62
00:04:06,370 --> 00:04:07,530
Go!
63
00:04:09,810 --> 00:04:13,410
Well, well, well. Martin Stool.
64
00:04:13,450 --> 00:04:18,330
Wickers. He took my mum's name,
unsurprisingly.
65
00:04:18,370 --> 00:04:21,890
I can see you've got
a whiff of the Stool about you.
66
00:04:21,930 --> 00:04:23,410
Probably the squits!
67
00:04:23,450 --> 00:04:27,010
Well, off to teach
my first class. Au revoir.
68
00:04:27,050 --> 00:04:28,650
Ferrero Roche.
69
00:04:34,210 --> 00:04:35,530
You seem disappointed.
70
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,330
You thought it was going to be
the real Pro Green, didn't you?
71
00:04:49,930 --> 00:04:53,130
Hey, 'sup, guys. Sweet threads.
72
00:04:53,170 --> 00:04:55,690
Sir, why are we wearing
our home clothes?
73
00:04:55,730 --> 00:05:00,410
Cos Pickwell's dead! From now on,
it's ice cream for breakfast, bitches!
74
00:05:01,690 --> 00:05:05,210
Joe, you're worse than my dad.
Why are you so chipper?
75
00:05:05,250 --> 00:05:06,650
He's in lovvvvee.
76
00:05:06,690 --> 00:05:08,330
Oooh!
77
00:05:08,370 --> 00:05:09,730
Gay!
78
00:05:09,770 --> 00:05:12,130
So, that's why you've
come as Olly Murs?
79
00:05:12,170 --> 00:05:14,250
Erm, Joseph, what's his name?
80
00:05:14,290 --> 00:05:17,250
HER name is Alison Dear
and she's beautiful.
81
00:05:18,370 --> 00:05:19,610
Alison Dear?
82
00:05:20,850 --> 00:05:22,290
Oh, Ally Dear!
83
00:05:24,010 --> 00:05:30,650
�(Trademark)� Why do birds suddenly appear
every time she is near? �(Trademark)�
84
00:05:30,690 --> 00:05:33,010
Cos her breath smells like a trawler.
85
00:05:33,050 --> 00:05:35,370
Alfie, do you think
I should send her a card?
86
00:05:35,410 --> 00:05:39,210
That'd be a first.
Someone sending a card TO Moonpig.
87
00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:42,090
You're just jealous cos you haven't
got anyone to send a card TO.
88
00:05:42,130 --> 00:05:44,250
Ooh, Father's Day all over again.
89
00:05:44,290 --> 00:05:46,090
I got this card from Mitchell's mum.
90
00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:48,170
"Dear Rem-Dogg,
here's your £20 back.
91
00:05:48,210 --> 00:05:50,450
"I can't charge you
cos you were so good!"
92
00:05:50,490 --> 00:05:52,210
And I got a card from YOUR mum.
93
00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:54,650
Giving me back the Wotsits
that I paid HER with!
94
00:05:54,690 --> 00:05:58,450
"PS, you banged me so hard
now I'm in a wheelchair."
95
00:05:58,490 --> 00:06:00,250
Guys, I realise it's
Valentine's Day,
96
00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:02,090
but could you please stop flirting?
97
00:06:02,130 --> 00:06:03,970
Speaking of which,
where's Chantelle?
98
00:06:04,010 --> 00:06:06,090
She's seeing the school nurse.
Is she ill?
99
00:06:06,130 --> 00:06:09,530
Sorry, sir, she made me make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
100
00:06:11,050 --> 00:06:15,010
Ah, Mr Wickers. Could we
have a tete-a-tete in the corridor?
101
00:06:15,050 --> 00:06:17,850
Rem-Dogg, by the way, if you have
been sleeping with Mitchell's mum
102
00:06:17,890 --> 00:06:20,210
I suggest you go and give your cock
a thorough clean.
103
00:06:21,730 --> 00:06:24,930
Mr Wickers, is it my little betise,
104
00:06:24,970 --> 00:06:28,050
or does the school have a uniform?
105
00:06:28,090 --> 00:06:29,930
Yeah, a really stupid one.
106
00:06:29,970 --> 00:06:32,970
Hence I told my kids
they can wear what they like now.
107
00:06:34,570 --> 00:06:37,170
You'll think me
a grumpy old sourpuss,
108
00:06:37,210 --> 00:06:42,170
but I do think it lends Abbey Grove
a certain sartorial elegance.
109
00:06:42,210 --> 00:06:45,530
I don't know what that means,
so shall we just agree to disagree?
110
00:06:45,570 --> 00:06:48,930
Shouldn't one agree to agree
with one's deputy head?
111
00:06:48,970 --> 00:06:51,530
I don't really go in for that
whole teacher, naggy shit.
112
00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:52,770
Me and the kids are mates.
113
00:06:52,810 --> 00:06:55,490
"I", Mr Wickers, not "me".
114
00:06:55,530 --> 00:06:57,330
I and the kids are mates.
115
00:06:57,370 --> 00:06:58,770
But just, go with the flow.
116
00:06:58,810 --> 00:07:04,690
And, hey, remember, respect
is a dish best served earned,
117
00:07:04,730 --> 00:07:07,050
not served... given.
118
00:07:14,090 --> 00:07:16,010
So, are we still on for tonight?
119
00:07:16,050 --> 00:07:18,410
Tonight?
Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago
120
00:07:18,450 --> 00:07:21,370
we arranged for you to come to
dinner because for some weird reason
121
00:07:21,410 --> 00:07:22,770
my dad thinks we're going out?
122
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,370
What?! Why does your dad think
that we're going out?
123
00:07:25,410 --> 00:07:28,130
Long story, don't want to
bore you with it. Try me.
124
00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:31,330
I told him.
Please do this for me?
125
00:07:31,370 --> 00:07:33,210
I'm seeing Alex.
126
00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:36,170
But he's really depressed.
If he finds out that I'm unhappy too
127
00:07:36,210 --> 00:07:38,570
this could be the straw
that breaks the camel's back.
128
00:07:38,610 --> 00:07:41,370
Are you saying your father's life
is in my hands? Er, no,
129
00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:44,130
but literary analogy, you're
Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath.
130
00:07:44,170 --> 00:07:46,570
I don't want to find him
putting his head into a gas oven.
131
00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:49,370
He's not going to put his head in
an oven if I don't come for dinner.
132
00:07:49,410 --> 00:07:52,130
Yeah, well, obviously not, cos
I don't have an oven in my flat.
133
00:07:52,170 --> 00:07:54,130
He could use the microwave.
134
00:07:54,170 --> 00:07:56,370
Actually, you couldn't use
a microwave
135
00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:59,050
cos when you tried to shut it
your head would stop the door.
136
00:07:59,090 --> 00:08:01,690
He could take it into the bath.
137
00:08:01,730 --> 00:08:05,210
Shower! My flat only has a shower!
138
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:07,890
Sorry, read that essay title again?
139
00:08:07,930 --> 00:08:12,250
"Who first popularised the
'Awooga' mantra? Discuss."
140
00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:14,250
And how is this relevant?
141
00:08:14,290 --> 00:08:16,730
Look, Jing, now that
Pickwell's not around to tell me
142
00:08:16,770 --> 00:08:18,330
what I can and can't teach,
143
00:08:18,370 --> 00:08:20,890
you're going to notice
quite a few changes round here.
144
00:08:20,930 --> 00:08:24,290
Now, scholars are divided
into three schools of thought.
145
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:28,050
Charles, Akabusi,
"Fash the Bash" Fashanu.
146
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:31,930
Oi, Dickers, what you doing tonight?
Fash-the-bashing one out to ten-minute free-view?
147
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,170
No, Mitchell. If you must know
148
00:08:34,210 --> 00:08:37,690
I'm going on a Valentine's Day
dinner... with my dad.
149
00:08:37,730 --> 00:08:41,210
I can't work out whether that's
really sweet or incredibly sad.
150
00:08:41,250 --> 00:08:44,090
The problem is, right, I told him
Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend
151
00:08:44,130 --> 00:08:46,770
and he wants to meet her tonight
but she won't come with me,
152
00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:48,730
so I need a surrogate.
OK, so mainly sad.
153
00:08:48,770 --> 00:08:52,810
My sister might be up for helping you out,
sir. She ain't got a date tonight. Really?
154
00:08:52,850 --> 00:08:55,250
Oh, wait - do I have to,
like, grab her
155
00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:57,970
or fight someone in a car park
to win her hand?
156
00:08:58,010 --> 00:09:00,610
Nah, just get her a Bargain
Bucket. I'll text her now.
157
00:09:00,650 --> 00:09:03,570
Oh, thanks, mate.
Really appreciate that.
158
00:09:04,650 --> 00:09:06,690
Murs, are you all right?
159
00:09:06,730 --> 00:09:11,650
It's Ally. I was going to ask her
out, but she totally blanked me.
160
00:09:11,690 --> 00:09:14,170
She probably doesn't even
realise you like her, mate!
161
00:09:14,210 --> 00:09:16,530
I just feel so empty.
162
00:09:16,570 --> 00:09:20,770
Don't look it. Sir, I've got
something for you to look at.
163
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,490
If you've put undergarments
in my Valentine's card again,
164
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:26,650
I'm not accepting them.
No, sir. Look!
165
00:09:26,690 --> 00:09:28,570
I'm pregnant!
166
00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:34,050
Are you sure?
167
00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:36,810
Yep, she showed me the test
and everything.
168
00:09:36,850 --> 00:09:39,770
Maybe all that flirting
was just a cry for help.
169
00:09:39,810 --> 00:09:41,850
Why didn't I do something earlier?
170
00:09:41,890 --> 00:09:44,170
Talk to her -
you're a good listener.
171
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:47,810
Sorry, what?
I said you're a good listener.
172
00:09:47,850 --> 00:09:49,770
Yeah, you're right,
I shouldn't blame myself.
173
00:09:49,810 --> 00:09:52,010
If anything, I've fulfilled my role
as a guardian.
174
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:55,010
If the finger's going to be pointed
at anyone it's her peer groups,
175
00:09:55,050 --> 00:09:57,810
whether that's her friends at school
or her parents. Bang on.
176
00:09:57,850 --> 00:10:01,210
A teenage pregnancy
foisted upon me already!
177
00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:03,450
Abbey Grove does not disappoint.
178
00:10:05,290 --> 00:10:07,010
God.
179
00:10:07,050 --> 00:10:09,370
I'm sorry, Rosie, I've failed her.
180
00:10:09,410 --> 00:10:12,890
Alfie, calm down.
Just call Chantelle's mum.
181
00:10:12,930 --> 00:10:15,650
No way! She's so flirty.
182
00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:18,210
Plus, I think her number's
a premium line.
183
00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:21,570
Still, no doubt the whole school can
learn a lesson from her predicament.
184
00:10:21,610 --> 00:10:24,370
The school isn't learning anything.
185
00:10:24,410 --> 00:10:26,530
That, I do not dispute.
186
00:10:26,570 --> 00:10:30,490
I meant from Chantelle.
She's not going public with it.
187
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:33,130
She's made us all make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
188
00:10:33,170 --> 00:10:34,610
Do we know who sired the infant?
189
00:10:36,650 --> 00:10:38,010
Who's the father?
190
00:10:38,050 --> 00:10:41,770
Oh. We don't know,
but I guess we'll find out soon.
191
00:10:41,810 --> 00:10:43,810
She's going to name the baby
after its dad.
192
00:10:45,210 --> 00:10:47,810
Sorry, what do you know
about Chantelle?
193
00:10:47,850 --> 00:10:51,570
Well, I know that letting
pupils... how did you put it?
194
00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:53,450
"Go with the flow"?
195
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:56,650
..Always damages the reputation
of a school. Full stop.
196
00:10:56,690 --> 00:11:00,810
Yeah, well, I let my pupils
"go with the flow"
197
00:11:00,850 --> 00:11:05,090
because I'm not here to bully them,
am I? Full stop.
198
00:11:05,130 --> 00:11:08,050
That's not a full stop,
that's a question mark.
199
00:11:08,090 --> 00:11:10,290
You asked me a question.
200
00:11:10,330 --> 00:11:12,610
Whatever. Comma.
201
00:11:12,650 --> 00:11:15,050
Semi-colon. Square brackets.
202
00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:16,890
That stupid "and".
203
00:11:16,930 --> 00:11:18,610
He's just upset, Celia.
204
00:11:18,650 --> 00:11:20,890
I think I prefer Professor Green.
205
00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:24,010
I think I prefer Miss Pickwell.
206
00:11:25,050 --> 00:11:27,610
Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle,
OK?
207
00:11:27,650 --> 00:11:30,290
And I suggest you do so
with greater didacticism.
208
00:11:30,330 --> 00:11:35,570
Oooh! I'll be piling on the
didackanism by the shedload.
209
00:11:35,610 --> 00:11:39,490
Just as soon as I've googled it
to find out what it means.
210
00:11:42,570 --> 00:11:44,370
Help! Help!
211
00:11:53,650 --> 00:11:57,290
Thanks, Alf. I got stuck -
bloody Love Lift!
212
00:11:57,330 --> 00:12:01,610
What is this? This bad boy is for
Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out.
213
00:12:01,650 --> 00:12:06,290
I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin
Rail and onto the Pum-Tang Express.
214
00:12:06,330 --> 00:12:09,810
A dating show for the kids?
Well, that's going to be pants.
215
00:12:09,850 --> 00:12:12,250
Actually, wait,
can we pick who goes on it?
216
00:12:12,290 --> 00:12:14,170
Of course. You know Alison Dear?
217
00:12:15,730 --> 00:12:17,890
Oh, Ally Dear? We can put her down.
218
00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:19,690
I didn't know
you were a chubby chaser.
219
00:12:19,730 --> 00:12:22,930
No, not for me. I'm trying to
set her up with Joe Poulter.
220
00:12:22,970 --> 00:12:25,690
Consider it done.
See, now you likey?
221
00:12:25,730 --> 00:12:28,690
I don't like-li... It's a shit idea
222
00:12:28,730 --> 00:12:31,650
but at least it's better than
your tragic online dating.
223
00:12:31,690 --> 00:12:34,970
There's nothing tragic about
my date tonight. The itinerary -
224
00:12:35,010 --> 00:12:38,250
ice skating, Pizza-Sex-press,
then apres,
225
00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:41,810
see if we can't find the willy-wagon
somewhere warm to park...
226
00:12:41,850 --> 00:12:45,450
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
227
00:12:59,410 --> 00:13:04,090
Chantelle, I think at some point
we should, er, you know, um, talk...
228
00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:07,530
About the baby?
Have you told anyone else?
229
00:13:07,570 --> 00:13:11,610
No! BFF personal padlock
pinky promise.
230
00:13:11,650 --> 00:13:14,570
Thanks, sir.
Oh, I've changed my mind.
231
00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:17,570
I'm naming him after
my favourite teacher.
232
00:13:17,610 --> 00:13:18,850
Baby Alfie.
233
00:13:18,890 --> 00:13:21,810
Oh, right... good.
234
00:13:21,850 --> 00:13:24,330
Sir, do you think pregnancy's
made my breasts bigger?
235
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:28,850
I'm just going to... go over there.
236
00:13:30,130 --> 00:13:34,050
Alfie, I feel like there's something
I need to make really clear.
237
00:13:34,090 --> 00:13:36,570
I honestly can't come tonight.
238
00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:39,730
Oh. One of those Royal Mail
missed delivery things.
239
00:13:39,770 --> 00:13:41,210
It's handwritten.
240
00:13:42,290 --> 00:13:45,130
So it is. Royal Mail -
the personal touch.
241
00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:49,650
It's your address.
I must... live above a depot.
242
00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:55,530
Look, please come. I know it's a
weird situation, but I'm desperate.
243
00:13:55,570 --> 00:13:57,930
I'm sorry, Alf,
I'm seeing Alex tonight.
244
00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:00,410
And if you must know,
we're having some problems.
245
00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:03,010
Turns out I do have
some issues with my...
246
00:14:17,530 --> 00:14:19,570
Come on!
247
00:14:24,210 --> 00:14:26,170
Calm down, calm down!
248
00:14:26,210 --> 00:14:28,010
Hello and welcome to Take Me Out!
249
00:14:28,050 --> 00:14:31,410
We've got six lovely ladies
gagging for a fella
250
00:14:31,450 --> 00:14:35,810
and the date of a lifetime
on the Isle of... ALL: Fernandoze!
251
00:14:35,850 --> 00:14:38,330
That's it, girls, zhuzh up your
hair, pout your lips
252
00:14:38,370 --> 00:14:40,450
and hitch up your skir...
253
00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:41,570
Hair again.
254
00:14:41,610 --> 00:14:44,290
Let the Abbey see the Grove.
255
00:14:44,330 --> 00:14:46,210
Single men, reveal yourselves!
256
00:14:50,450 --> 00:14:52,290
It's Reggie Blinker!
257
00:14:55,450 --> 00:14:59,770
You know how it works, girls,
no likey... No lighty!
258
00:15:03,330 --> 00:15:06,410
Oh, God. This is going to be
a car crash.
259
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:18,090
No likey, no light... aaaah!
260
00:15:18,130 --> 00:15:21,250
Off! Off! Off!
261
00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:38,450
Let Mr Popplecock
262
00:15:38,490 --> 00:15:41,890
see the redundancy package!
263
00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:44,770
Probably not the time for
this announcement, but, seriously -
264
00:15:44,810 --> 00:15:46,170
we will all miss you.
265
00:15:47,730 --> 00:15:50,090
Single man, reveal yourself!
266
00:15:53,490 --> 00:15:56,690
Help! Help!
267
00:15:56,730 --> 00:15:59,410
The door's a bit sticky... Help!
268
00:15:59,450 --> 00:16:02,730
Just needs a bit of force.
269
00:16:02,770 --> 00:16:05,330
Come on, big guy, work with me here.
270
00:16:07,450 --> 00:16:09,330
Oh!
271
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:19,450
Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf.
272
00:16:19,490 --> 00:16:24,290
So, no likey... No lighty.
273
00:16:27,170 --> 00:16:28,650
Yes! Get in there!
274
00:16:30,010 --> 00:16:33,530
Round two! So, what sets you apart
from the crowd?
275
00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:35,570
Um. Asthma?
276
00:16:35,610 --> 00:16:38,890
And a big willy - woooo!
277
00:16:38,930 --> 00:16:41,890
So, why do you want to be
on the show?
278
00:16:41,930 --> 00:16:44,690
Um, I just wanted to ask, um...
279
00:16:44,730 --> 00:16:45,730
Ally...
280
00:16:46,850 --> 00:16:49,410
..um, would you...?
281
00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:56,530
What are you doing?
282
00:16:56,570 --> 00:17:01,290
I know it's awfully jolly,
trivialising sexual promiscuity...
283
00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:04,410
Are you from the past?
I mean, who even talks like that?
284
00:17:04,450 --> 00:17:07,210
..but given the current situation...
285
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:08,570
What situation?
286
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,970
Chantelle Parsons. She's pregnant.
287
00:17:11,010 --> 00:17:13,810
Oops! What a slippy goose!
288
00:17:13,850 --> 00:17:16,490
Right! You have no right
to talk about that!
289
00:17:16,530 --> 00:17:20,170
Sir! You broke the BFF
personal padlock pinky promise!
290
00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:23,130
I'm sorry. I was asking
Miss Gulliver for advice.
291
00:17:23,170 --> 00:17:25,410
And YOU! I told you this
was a secret.
292
00:17:25,450 --> 00:17:28,770
God, you can be so didactism -
noun, intending to teach,
293
00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:30,850
with an emphasis
on moral instruction.
294
00:17:30,890 --> 00:17:34,210
I can be so didactic, Alfred.
The adjective.
295
00:17:35,330 --> 00:17:37,330
Look, it's not Chantelle's fault.
296
00:17:37,370 --> 00:17:40,690
If anyone's to blame
for this pregnancy, it's me.
297
00:17:40,730 --> 00:17:44,850
Sir, will you look after me
and Baby Alfie?
298
00:17:44,890 --> 00:17:47,810
Baby Alfie? Mr Wickers!
299
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:49,810
No, I forgot to tell you...
300
00:17:49,850 --> 00:17:51,490
Dickers is the dad. What a nonce!
301
00:17:51,530 --> 00:17:54,450
At least you're not firing blanks.
It's not mine, you idiot.
302
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:56,810
I just meant that I'd help
look after the child.
303
00:17:56,850 --> 00:17:59,730
Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice,
like Jean Valjean in Les Mis.
304
00:17:59,770 --> 00:18:03,410
Yes, exactly, like Stephen says,
like the man in Les Miserables.
305
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:06,450
Prove it, sir. Sing!
I'm not going to sing.
306
00:18:06,490 --> 00:18:08,970
Explain yourself, Mr Wickers.
307
00:18:09,010 --> 00:18:11,290
I... It's not...
308
00:18:11,330 --> 00:18:14,250
Dream a dream. Sing!
309
00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:16,490
Yeah, go on, sir. Don't.
310
00:18:22,770 --> 00:18:29,050
�(Trademark)� Chantelle, I shall be
the child's guardian
311
00:18:29,090 --> 00:18:33,610
�(Trademark)� Even though I did not shag you
312
00:18:33,650 --> 00:18:39,650
�(Trademark)� I have done no wrong
Just like Jean Valjean
313
00:18:39,690 --> 00:18:42,250
�(Trademark)� He stole a loaf of bread
314
00:18:42,290 --> 00:18:50,170
�(Trademark)� I stand accused of putting
a bun in the oven inste-e-e-a-ad. �(Trademark)�
315
00:18:56,490 --> 00:18:57,890
That was so beautiful!
316
00:18:57,930 --> 00:19:00,330
Why did you do that? I don't know.
317
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:03,970
Mr Wickers, if you have impregnated
this young lady,
318
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,930
I shall be calling the constabulary.
319
00:19:06,970 --> 00:19:08,050
The police.
320
00:19:08,090 --> 00:19:11,410
No! Not the police!
No, Professor Green. Please!
321
00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:13,690
Wait! I'm not pregnant.
322
00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:15,010
What?!
323
00:19:15,050 --> 00:19:16,250
I lied.
324
00:19:17,450 --> 00:19:20,010
I just wanted it
to look like someone loves me.
325
00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:23,810
And I wanted you to notice me, sir.
326
00:19:23,850 --> 00:19:27,250
Chantelle, you don't need to lie
to get my attention.
327
00:19:27,290 --> 00:19:28,850
I'm always here for you.
328
00:19:28,890 --> 00:19:31,930
Yeah, so back off, Javert.
329
00:19:36,130 --> 00:19:39,090
Alfie, Ally's going on a date
with me! Really?
330
00:19:39,130 --> 00:19:42,370
Yeah. On Saturday, we're going to
World of Waffles in Watford!
331
00:19:42,410 --> 00:19:45,850
Amazing, mate. Well done. Ooh,
and you know what that means?
332
00:19:45,890 --> 00:19:49,050
Cos I kinda made it happen,
you are indebted to me
333
00:19:49,090 --> 00:19:53,490
for the rest of your life, so...
you can cook, right?
334
00:19:53,530 --> 00:19:55,930
Yeah, I know my way around
a George Foreman grill.
335
00:19:55,970 --> 00:19:58,490
Will you help me
with my dinner party tonight? OK.
336
00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:01,610
Sweet! I knew I could count
on you. Cheers, mate.
337
00:20:01,650 --> 00:20:05,370
Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister
round mine for about 7, 7.30.
338
00:20:05,410 --> 00:20:07,730
I'm afraid she ain't
coming nowhere near you, mate.
339
00:20:07,770 --> 00:20:09,890
What? Why? Well, she Facebooked you.
340
00:20:09,930 --> 00:20:12,330
We had a deal. Well, I didn't make
your profile picture
341
00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:15,210
some nerd dressed as Gandalf. Me
and the lads were on a pub crawl.
342
00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:18,586
Don't worry. I got a back-up plan. One of
my brother's girlfriends said she'll do it.
343
00:20:18,610 --> 00:20:22,690
You promise me this time? Yes, Bilbo Bell-End.
Just text me your address and she'll be there.
344
00:20:22,730 --> 00:20:26,210
OK, deal! And FYI,
I wasn't dressed as Gandalf.
345
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:29,130
I was dressed as Sauron, in his
guise as the first Chief Lieutenant
346
00:20:29,170 --> 00:20:32,010
to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth,
around the time he overran Eregion,
347
00:20:32,050 --> 00:20:35,810
killed Celebrimbor, leader of the Elven-smiths,
and sealed seven of the nine Rings of Power.
348
00:20:35,850 --> 00:20:37,210
So who's the dickhead now?
349
00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,370
Sweet - Mitchell's brother's
girlfriend's on her way.
350
00:20:52,410 --> 00:20:54,290
Here are your ingredients.
351
00:20:57,370 --> 00:20:58,890
Mitchell got it for me.
352
00:20:58,930 --> 00:21:01,970
Alfie, I can cook spag bol
but I can't cook bunny rabbits.
353
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:05,530
Oh, come on, it's easy! Just
shave it, stick an onion up its bum
354
00:21:05,570 --> 00:21:07,610
and then put it in the microwave.
355
00:21:07,650 --> 00:21:09,850
Hey, Smooch, groovy news.
I've got a hot date.
356
00:21:09,890 --> 00:21:12,090
That's brilliant, Dad. Who is she?
357
00:21:16,810 --> 00:21:20,050
Oh, sorry, there must be
some kind of a mix-up.
358
00:21:20,090 --> 00:21:21,890
Halloween's not till October,
359
00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:25,290
and even then, it's only really the
children who dress up as monsters,
360
00:21:25,330 --> 00:21:30,330
so how about you "fuck off"
and stop trying to "ruin my life"?
361
00:21:30,370 --> 00:21:32,450
Good evening, Alfred.
362
00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:34,810
Celia! Hello-ha!
363
00:21:34,850 --> 00:21:36,730
Let me take your coat.
364
00:21:36,770 --> 00:21:39,050
Shut. Up.
365
00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:42,090
So lovely to see you, Martin.
Oh, likewise.
366
00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:56,250
What are you doing here?
367
00:21:56,290 --> 00:21:59,170
Your father invited me for dinner
on the Facebook.
368
00:21:59,210 --> 00:22:01,770
Oh! I don't know what is
more sickening,
369
00:22:01,810 --> 00:22:04,490
the fact that YOU'RE here
or that my dad's on Facebook.
370
00:22:04,530 --> 00:22:08,490
Poke!
371
00:22:08,530 --> 00:22:12,130
Poke! Glass of vinegar, my luvver?
372
00:22:12,170 --> 00:22:13,970
Oh!
373
00:22:14,010 --> 00:22:16,730
So did you meet Alfred's
bit of skirt today?
374
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,930
Oh! I thought Alfie was single!
375
00:22:18,970 --> 00:22:23,010
Hands off! Alfie is dating
the famous Rosie Gulliver.
376
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:25,850
She's coming tonight -
it's a double date.
377
00:22:25,890 --> 00:22:27,810
Is she now?
378
00:22:30,810 --> 00:22:33,890
Professor Green, could I have
a word with you in the kitchen
379
00:22:33,930 --> 00:22:35,770
about your dietary requirements?
380
00:22:38,850 --> 00:22:41,450
Look, the Rosie Gulliver
coming for dinner tonight
381
00:22:41,490 --> 00:22:43,890
isn't the real Rosie Gulliver.
382
00:22:43,930 --> 00:22:47,010
My dad's got confused
and now it's too far down the line.
383
00:22:47,050 --> 00:22:49,730
I'm begging you, when you see
this girl, can you just...
384
00:22:49,770 --> 00:22:51,690
Go with the flow?
385
00:22:53,130 --> 00:22:55,530
My kids'll be back in
school uniforms tomorrow.
386
00:22:55,570 --> 00:22:59,050
And you'll stop setting them essays
on catchphrases from the '90s? Yes.
387
00:22:59,090 --> 00:23:01,530
And you'll stop teaching us
topless whenever it's hot?
388
00:23:01,570 --> 00:23:04,330
Shut up, Joe.
This has nothing to do with you.
389
00:23:06,210 --> 00:23:08,130
That'll be "Rosie".
390
00:23:12,090 --> 00:23:13,650
You Mitchell's mate?
391
00:23:13,690 --> 00:23:16,330
His brother sent me.
392
00:23:19,650 --> 00:23:21,450
Oh, shit!
393
00:23:22,530 --> 00:23:26,250
No, Mitchell, your brother
is not a playa, he's a payer.
394
00:23:26,290 --> 00:23:28,730
She is 100% a prostitute!
395
00:23:28,770 --> 00:23:35,010
Hi. I can offer you £20,
some cod liver oil and a rabbit...
396
00:23:35,050 --> 00:23:37,290
to make you go away.
397
00:23:37,330 --> 00:23:39,170
How d'you cook that?
398
00:23:39,210 --> 00:23:41,290
Onion up the bum. Bye!
399
00:23:41,330 --> 00:23:44,050
You know, now you've paid,
400
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:47,050
you can put your onion
up my rabbit-hole!
401
00:23:59,690 --> 00:24:02,850
I wanted the car cleaned
on the outside AND the inside,
402
00:24:02,890 --> 00:24:05,810
but they thought I only
wanted the outside done.
403
00:24:05,850 --> 00:24:09,410
In the end, I had to vacuum
the inside myself!
404
00:24:10,810 --> 00:24:15,130
Oh, Martin,
that is such a funny story!
405
00:24:15,170 --> 00:24:18,890
Funny?! I think you need
to check your dictionary app.
406
00:24:18,930 --> 00:24:22,770
God! This is the most
middle-aged dinner party ever.
407
00:24:22,810 --> 00:24:27,650
Martin, do you like
the television programme Mad Men?
408
00:24:27,690 --> 00:24:29,010
I love it.
409
00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:31,810
Mmm, I think you're
a bit of a Don Draper.
410
00:24:31,850 --> 00:24:35,050
OK, toots. Care for another Scotch?
411
00:24:35,090 --> 00:24:37,610
Oh, sorry,
that was an American accent?
412
00:24:37,650 --> 00:24:40,530
Dad, you sounded like
a Jamaican having a stroke.
413
00:24:40,570 --> 00:24:42,610
My wife went to the West Indies.
414
00:24:42,650 --> 00:24:43,850
Oh, God. Jamaica?
415
00:24:43,890 --> 00:24:45,370
No, she went of her own acc...
416
00:24:46,850 --> 00:24:51,290
Joe! Can you please bring in
some bleach so I can kill myself?
417
00:24:51,330 --> 00:24:54,570
Oops, someone's a bit T-I-R-D�E.
418
00:24:54,610 --> 00:24:58,930
Cheer up, Grumpo. Rosie'll pull
through, it's only a touch of flu.
419
00:24:58,970 --> 00:25:02,650
Yes. So sad she's not
feeling herself.
420
00:25:04,210 --> 00:25:08,250
Look... Dad, I might as well
just be honest with you.
421
00:25:08,290 --> 00:25:10,650
The thing is, Rosie...
422
00:25:15,930 --> 00:25:17,490
Rosie!
423
00:25:17,530 --> 00:25:19,730
I thought...
424
00:25:19,770 --> 00:25:21,090
What about Alex?
425
00:25:22,330 --> 00:25:23,850
We've broken up.
426
00:25:25,250 --> 00:25:28,050
Anyway, I just thought that
you might cheer me up.
427
00:25:29,490 --> 00:25:32,770
You could tell your face
to look a little less happy.
428
00:25:37,490 --> 00:25:38,850
I can't believe you came!
429
00:25:38,890 --> 00:25:42,010
Well, you were there for Chantelle
so I thought I'd be here for you.
430
00:25:42,050 --> 00:25:45,370
Thanks. Oh, and you don't need
to pretend to be my girlfriend.
431
00:25:45,410 --> 00:25:47,570
I'm just going to tell my dad
the truth.
432
00:25:47,610 --> 00:25:49,850
No, I don't mind being
your girlfriend for one night.
433
00:25:49,890 --> 00:25:51,970
Does that mean
you'll be sleeping over? No.
434
00:25:52,010 --> 00:25:54,690
Oh, sorry, it's just, I have
this Postman Pat bed linen
435
00:25:54,730 --> 00:25:56,890
so I would've change...
Shall I come in?
436
00:25:56,930 --> 00:25:59,490
Yeah. Pro Green
won't know what's hit her!
437
00:25:59,530 --> 00:26:01,850
Pro Green?! Don't ask.
438
00:26:03,450 --> 00:26:06,170
Dad, Celia, guess who's here?
439
00:26:06,210 --> 00:26:08,410
Hey, Miss Gulliver.
440
00:26:08,450 --> 00:26:09,850
Where are they?
441
00:26:09,890 --> 00:26:12,530
Oh, um, Pro Green wanted
to take a look at your bedroom
442
00:26:12,570 --> 00:26:14,930
so your dad took her in there.
He's very drunk.
443
00:26:14,970 --> 00:26:16,610
My bedroom?!
444
00:26:20,170 --> 00:26:22,050
Oh, my God.
445
00:26:25,050 --> 00:26:28,090
Oh, Celia! Not in Alfie's room!
446
00:26:28,130 --> 00:26:29,850
I've made blancmange.
447
00:26:43,730 --> 00:26:47,490
Did you know that apart from us,
448
00:26:47,530 --> 00:26:51,370
the only other animal to get
sunburnt is the pig?
449
00:26:56,850 --> 00:26:59,130
God. Imagine if this got round
the school.
450
00:26:59,170 --> 00:27:00,490
We won't tell anyone.
451
00:27:03,490 --> 00:27:05,210
It's Mitchell.
452
00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:09,290
"What's long and hard and covered
in Green? Your dad's cock".
453
00:27:10,530 --> 00:27:11,690
Joe!
454
00:27:13,210 --> 00:27:15,730
I might have tweeted, like, once.
455
00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:29,850
Oh! Oh, yeah.
456
00:27:36,450 --> 00:27:37,850
Alfred.
457
00:27:37,890 --> 00:27:38,930
Rosie!
458
00:27:40,330 --> 00:27:42,450
"Go with the flow"!
459
00:27:46,610 --> 00:27:48,810
Well, jolly good. Bravo.
460
00:27:51,530 --> 00:27:53,650
Goodnight. Bye, Martin.
461
00:27:55,690 --> 00:27:57,970
Alfred. Rosemary.
462
00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,170
Goodnight. Night. Night.
463
00:28:02,370 --> 00:28:04,490
Dad, this is...
464
00:28:04,530 --> 00:28:05,930
Hi, I'm Rosie.
465
00:28:05,970 --> 00:28:10,010
Oh, er, probably best not shake my...
466
00:28:10,050 --> 00:28:13,050
I'm just going to put these sheets
in the wash.
467
00:28:13,090 --> 00:28:16,530
I tried to keep a lid on it
but... it's been a while.
468
00:28:18,130 --> 00:28:20,210
Postman Pat's fine.
469
00:28:20,250 --> 00:28:22,290
Mrs Goggins took the brunt of it.
37337
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