All language subtitles for Top.Coppers.S01E02.The.Girdle.of.Randall.Rogers.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-MADSKY_track4_[eng]

(Narrator) Tomorrow,
life's greatest mystery.

This is the F.A.S. Infinity,

and our quest is to solve the
mystery,

because today is
yesterday's tomorrow,

and the day after tomorrow is
yesterday's three days time.

(upbeat orchestral music)

Ensign, give me some space.

(suspenseful jazz music)

(funky jazz music)

(gunfire blasting)

(siren blaring)

- No!
- Come on, quick wager.

Ten quid. What do you think
the next case will be?

It's always about money with you.

You could be a score up.

That's a Godiva short of a pony.

I've no idea what you
just said, but fine.

I'll say a crazed mad man
trying to escape arrest,

but one thing he can't
escape is his past.

You?

Famous actor getting
death threats.

What have we got, Chief?

- Famous actor getting death
threats. - Oh, for f...

Mitch, you know about
this already, of course,

cos we spoke about it earlier.

But to bring you
up to speed, John,

this is none other
than Randall Rogers.

(suspenseful jazz music)

Oh my god, the Randall Rogers?

Captain Steele from
Future Space?

Well, not just Captain Steele,
obviously.

He also played Steele's
evil twin brother

Burton Steele on series four,
episode two. (laughs)

I mean, I've seen a couple of
episodes. You know, I can take it or leave it.

Yeah, you're my bestest hero ever,
Captain Steele,

and I think I love you!

Word is he walked
out on the show

when they wouldn't
give him more money,

so they had to wrap
the whole thing up

by using old shots
from previous episodes.

Prepare to evacuate the ship.

But Captain, what about you?

I'm fine!
Thanks, Nork. (laughing)

But what about our mission?

Not now, Nork, not now!

It's so brave of you
to sacrifice yourself.

You betcha.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

(upbeat jazz music)

Needless to say, he's
made a few enemies.

He's doing a Q&A down
at the old TV studio.

Get down there and see
what you can sniff out.

God, I hate actors.

What's wrong with actors?

Oh, you know, they're
just all so, oh.

(slurping)

"Ooh, I'm a French king."

Weird people.

Listen, boys.

I got a bad feeling
about this case.

Something happened
to me a long time ago,

and I ain't fired my gun
in over 20 years.

Bloody hell.

It was one of them
unforgiving nights

where the cold
ran through your bones

like a blade through butter.

- And that's when I...
- (door slamming)

Oh, Goddammit!

Now, in order to operate
the body beamer effect,

a fully-qualified member of
the special effects department

would pull on this lever,

thus depositing the
human slash non-human

through the trap door like so.

Obviously, teleportation
technology doesn't actually exist.

At least, that's what the government
wants us to believe.

(all laughing)

Back in a bit.

Well, this is shit.

Yeah.

Tell me about it.

What a bunch of nerds.

Ensign Skylord.

Hi, Martin. (clears throat)

Martin?

Who's this Martin
of whom you speak?

A thousand dagons to you,
Lieutenant Volklar.

I missed you at the last convention.

I trust you've read
my latest work,

Future Space:
How It Should Have Ended.

- Sooner?
- Where Captain Steele

actually finds
the eye of the universe,

so it has like a

- proper ending!
- Proper ending.

(both laughing)

If you'll excuse me,
Ensign Skylord.

Citizen of Earth.

- (stammers)
- (microphone feedback)

Greetings, future Alliance officers!

Please give a warm
thousand dagons

to everybody's
favourite number two,

Commander Nork!

Earth name: Charles Leatherby.

(tepid applause)

Thank you, thank you, adoring fans.

OK, fire at will.

(laughing)

In the episode "Cosmic Karma,"

how can Nork
be in two places at once?

Because it's not real. Next.

Yeah, I've got a question.

In series eight, episode one,

why does Nork claim
to have never visited Targon Four

when he clearly has in
three other episodes?

Yeah, well, it's a TV show. Next.

How did Nork survive
the halogen explosion on Nebula Five?

Yeah, yeah, it's all made up. Next.

Do you hate Randall Rogers?

Hate is a very
strong word, but...

yes.

Right, that's my invoice.

OK.
Thank you, Commander Nork!

Zach, I need you to check out
a file on Charles Leatherby.

He could be a suspect.

Can it also be put on file
Mahogany is a massive nerd?

Now, make more noise
than a Shegon mating ritual

(laughs) for the one and only
Captain Steele.

Earth name: Randall Rogers!

(Captain Steele Voiceover)
If kissing a beautiful alien

is the price you pay
for being a hero,

then do you take a cheque?

I'm sorry, I thought
you said Venus.

That's gotta be the biggest
black hole I've ever seen.

He's not here.

(audience gasping)

To Captain Steele's dressing room.

I can't believe I'm gonna
actually meet Captain Steele.

(sighs) Gotta make
a good impression.

There was no answer.

- I think this is the place.
- Wow.

(Randall) Take whatever you want!

Just please don't damage my face!

No, Mr Rogers, sir, it's... it's...
we're police officers.

It's John Mahogany
and Mitch Rust, JCPD.

- (Randall) You're cops?
- That's right.

Good thing you told me.

I was about to break out
the old knuckle brothers.

Hi. Randall Rogers.

(intense orchestral music)

Were you hiding behind the sofa?

You may think I was
huddling in fear.

I was securing myself to
protect any intruder from me.

These hands are
registered weapons.

I once punched a man in half.

I didn't know that was possible.

Drink?

Yes, please.

- Thanks Dad, Rog...
- Cheers.

Do you want to tell us
about the death threats?

It took me a while to
notice what they were

as I'm incredibly
rich and famous

so I don't usually do things
like open letters.

How'd you become so rich?

It's simple.

If you want to be insanely rich,

you just gotta be an actor.

It's guaranteed.

(Steele's voice in his head)
If you want to be insanely rich,

you just gotta be an actor.

Insanely rich,
gotta be an actor,

be an actor, be an actor.

It's guaranteed.

Plus, when you get famous,

they give you a special
number that you call

and somebody brings pizza to you.

You give them some money,
and they just give you a pizza.

- Whoa.
- Isn't that just pizza delivery?

And there's another
number that you call

and somebody comes
over in a car.

You give him some money,
and he'll take you anywhere.

Amazing.

That's a taxi.
I could do that.

Sure, you can, champ.

Mr Rogers, for
your own protection,

we'd like to take
you down to JCPD.

Perhaps you'd like to change
into something a bit more...

Ah, say no more.

I mean, he's not
quite what I expected.

The key to a (laughing)

remarkable acting performance

is to do so much with your face

and your body,

and pause... a lot,

because you see, acting is...

distracting.

(phone ringing)

(people applauding)

Wow, Randall Rogers
truly is a great actor.

Yes. Although, if he was
my hero figure from childhood,

I would be very
disappointed with him.

You two, this ain't
Saturday night at the movies!

Get your asses over here.

We got something.

# Chief #

I think you're gonna
want to see this, boys.

Cirque du Soleil.

The Justice City Times called
it spelled spellbinding,

five stars.

But that's not what I
called you over for.

I checked up on Leatherby.

Turns out, Randall quitting
the show ruined his career,

so they ain't exactly
bosom buddies.

Yes, everyone knows that.

But here's where it
gets interesting.

He's also the chairman

of a Randall Rogers
themed organisation.

Though that could be
a good or a bad thing.

Nevertheless, I think we
ought to bring him in,

give him the third degree.

An educated man.

Now, listen, boys.

Sure, this might
all seem so simple.

Sure, it might seem like
an open and shut case,

but let me tell you a story,

a story that's led to me not
firing my gun in over 20 years.

It all started when I
was back in the academy.

(door slamming)

Oh, come on, now!

It's a good story, Goddammit!

How's it looking, Helga?

They've used some
of the usual tricks.

Anonymously sourced letters,
plain unmarked paper.

The adhesive is either
Pritt Stick or Uhu.

At this point, we cannot be certain.

Unfortunately, they are
practically untraceable.

How is the Spaceman?

Yeah, fine, I suppose.

Let me guess.

You hoped to meet your hero.

Instead, you met a shallow,
materialistic actor.

Well, yeah.

How did you know?

Never meet your heroes, John.

When I met The Gothenburg Strangler,

he did not even sign
my autopsy photos.

I was extremely displeased.

Captain Steele was just
this great, honourable guy.

Randall's just, he's just a tool.

- John.
- But not just a tool.

- He's arrogant, he's a coward.
- John.

I mean, what does he
think he looks like?

That wig isn't fooling anyone!

He's right behind me, isn't he?

(Helga) No.

Why would you think that?

I was trying to get your attention.

I think I found something.

Oh.

P.S., I enclosed a little something

to show you that I'm serious.

(suspenseful jazz music)

But he hasn't kidnapped anyone.

So, whose is the finger?

P.P.S,

I realise now that
cutting off my own finger

was poorly judged,

but do not make the mistake
of thinking

I am any less
dangerous without it.

I think it's about time we
spoke to one Charles Leatherby.

If he's got nine fingers, we've got
him.

Also, there is a birthday card
going around.

It is for Richard.

Oh, it's Richard's birthday?

I never know what to write
in these things.

"Happy birthday, Richard."

And the beauty is,

you give them some money

and they cut your hair for you.

- Unbelievable.
- Oh, it's the high life, all right.

Real actors don't need chairs.

I want to be an actor
and make loads of cash.

How much should I charge per acting?

Well, that depends.

What kind of acting
do you want to do?

The expensive sort.

OK.

Show me what you got.

Let's act.

That's got to be the
finest celestial body

I've ever seen.

OK, your turn.

(high-pitched) That's got to be the
finest celestial body I've ever seen.

(normal) What do you think?

A bit high?

Yeah, maybe.

Try a little lower.

(high-pitched)
I love your ancestral body.

It's the best thing
I've seen today.

- (normal) Fifty quid.
- (sighs)

You'd better sit down.

Look, Rusty, there's no
easy way of saying this.

You've got the yips.

- What?
- The acting yips.

It's a mental thing
that actors can get,

and I'm afraid you're
riddled with them, buddy.

Everything all right?

I thought I heard a small
girl trapped down a well.

I've got the acting yips.

Isn't that something you get

after years as a professional?

Oh, the yips can
strike at any time.

Unfortunately for Rusty,
it was right at the beginning.

Or he's just a bit rubbish.

It's the yips, mate, yeah?

I know what will cheer you up.

More tales of my amazing
life as a rich actor

and how great I am.

Zach, take a seat.

Rusty, lotion my back.

Just a few questions,
Mr Leatherby.

This is preposterous.

Yes, Randall is an imbecile,

but I am a highly respected actor,

for God's sake.

Death threats, honestly.

Are you sure we can't get you a
chair?

I'm an actor.

I haven't sat in an actual chair
for 30 years.

Look, can we hurry
this along, please?

I'm an extremely busy man.

Had yourself an accident
there, Mr Leatherby?

Oh, this, yes.

It's an acting injury.

Mine is a perilous profession.

So if you didn't send
the death threats,

then tell me,

what do you do when you
get the acting yips?

What?

The yips.

The acting yips is cruel
and unforgiving affliction

which blights our kind.

The only sure way of
being rid of the yips

is to take one's moment.

Interesting.

Every true actor knows when
his moment presents itself.

When he's called upon to give
the performance of his life.

Until then, we just have to...

What do you think you're doing?

Ah.

It's an acting injury.

I told you already, all right?

I got a paper cut
at a script reading.

- Paper cut?
- Yes, a paper cut.

Script paper is some of
the sharpest paper there is.

I bet you think it's
funny in there, don't you,

in your secret little room!

Well, I've never been one
to disappoint an audience.

Reveal yourself!

Why'd you do that?

Well, I thought...

Yeah, you're gonna
have to pay for that.

Oh, for f...

Fingers, he's got
all 10 of them.

It's not him.

Fuck.

But if it ain't Leatherby,

then who the hell is it?

And don't even get me
started on my third wife.

Rogers.

Leatherby.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Walk away, walk away!
- Have a fight.

You never could handle me
being the star,

could you, Charlie boy?

Poppycock.

Let's settle this right now.

Let 'em blow it off,
John, let 'em blow it off.

I'll show you how a
real actor fights.

(men grunting)

What are they doing?

They're not even
hitting each other.

No, too big.

(both grunting)

Stage combat, Mitch.

They say these two

are amongst the finest
stage fighters in the world.

- (punch thudding)
- Ow!

You broke the code.

No, please, it was an accident.

You know the code, Randall.

You never touch the face.

I will now take my free hit.

(punch thudding)

Yeah, keep walking,
Leatherby, keep walking.

He's definitely restrained, right?

Sorry, John boy.

But you did step into
an arena of conflict.

# Where, where is my hero #

# Where, where is my hero #

Brace for impact!

# There was a man
I thought I knew #

# So brave, so strong
and courageous #

# Now he only talks
about being rich #

# It's like him and his evil
twin brother Burton Steele #

# Have been switched #

# I want to be an actor #

# So I have loads
of money and stuff #

# But they say
I've got the yips #

# Which has left
me proper cheesed #

# I think I fancy chips
and maybe mushy peas #

# I just wanna
tell you my story #

# About how I ain't fired
my gun in over 20 years #

# Where, where is my hero? #

# Come on, Goddammit! #

# Where #

# Ow, my finger just
shut in the locker #

# Where, where,
where, where, where #

# Where's the first aid kit? #

- (Frank) John?
- Hey, dad.

(Frank) Oh, God, here we go.

Go on, what's the matter?

Did you ever think that
someone was gonna be great,

but in reality, they were
just a huge disappointment?

(Frank) Try not to
look at yourself

as a huge disappointment, son,

or as a mild failure.

Not me, dad!

(Frank) Oh, right.

I just wanted him to be like
Captain Steele, you know?

Courageous, brave.

He just turned out to be a dick.

(Frank) Son, listen.

It doesn't matter that he's not like
the bloke in Space Wars.

Future Space, Dad!
How many times?

(Frank) Yeah, right.

Look, the point is,
you've got to walk your own path,

write your own story,
and all that bullshit.

You know, be your
own bloody hero.

I know, dad.
I'm trying real bad. It's...

(Frank) Write your own story,
and all that bullshit.

Write your own story
and all that bullshit.

Write your own story,
and all that...

I trust you've read
my latest work,

Future Space:
How It Should Have Ended.

How it should have
ended, should have ended,

should have ended.

Oh, shit, that's it.
Love you, dad!

Chief, Mitch, I've got it.

I know who wrote...!

Ah, he's already here.

That's great!

Now, it's time to
give Future Space

and Randall Rogers
the ending they deserve.

(laughing)

And if anybody tries
to follow me, then I'll...

What?

Sorry?

You said if anyone
tries to follow you,

and then you left before
we could hear the rest.

Oh yeah, sorry. What I said was
if anybody tries to follow me,

then I'll detonate this bomb.

I thought it'd be
something like that.

(gasps)

Goddammit, he's gonna kill 'em!

Don't worry, Chief.

I know exactly where
they're headed.

And I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let them die.

(Man) Did everybody
sign Richard's card?

Greetings, citizens of Earth.

Today, we will make
television history.

First, we shall film
the proper ending

of the Future Space saga.

Then, Randall Rogers will die
live on television.

(whimpers)

Uh, that is for several reasons.

It's because of inconsistencies
throughout the show...

Well, well, well,

Randall Rogers finally
gets his just desserts.

You've nothing to say?

Your head looks like a dick.

You ruined it and
you've ruined my life.

Now, if you look
in front of you,

you shall find the
professional standard script

expertly written by me.
(laughing)

We're live in five seconds.

So just remember,
enjoy it, relax.

Don't get it wrong,
or I'll blow us up.

Action!

Captain, we are mere moments away

from discovering
the eye of the universe.

Mitch, Mitch, I've got a plan,

but I need you to act.

What?

Nah.

I can't, mate.

- I've got the yips.
- Forget the yips.

We need a distraction,
and acting is distracting.

- I can't act!
- Mitch!

Remember what Leatherby said.

Every actor gets one moment.

Well, this is your moment.

- What's the money like?
- There's no bloody money!

All right, all right, I'll do it.

When's my fitting?

Right now.

(upbeat orchestral music)

Why are you wearing one?

What?
Oh, I don't know.

I just got excited.

It would not have worked
from the eye of a cyborg.

Point 54.

Wait.

I have something to say.

If you all just look at me.

You see, space man captain,

we have a problem!

(laughing)

With the space ship!

It is bollocksed.

His dialogue is awful,
but his acting's captivating.

We might never make it to the moon,
unless we find a different way,

a space car or planet bike.

So if this is it, and we're going to
die,

snuff it,

then hold your head
up high and be proud.

I did it, mate.

I got rid of the yips.

(sighs)

Thanks, Mitch.

Ensign Skylord.

So, you thought you could
ruin my episode?

Well now, it's gonna
end with a bang.

(timer beeping)

Real original, Martin.

Trying to blow up the ship
with a bomb strapped to you

exactly the same way
Steele tried to blow up

Targan Nebular in
series eight, episode nine.

Actually, I think you'll find

it was series nine,
episode eight.

And I think you'll find

I know a bit more about
Future Space than you!

Uh, no, firstly,

the Targans weren't introduced

until series nine, episode two.

So it's not conceivable
for them to be in series eight.

Mitch, the lever,
pull the lever!

Give me some space.

Brace for impact.

(explosion blasting)

(Future Space theme playing)

Damage report.
Check those shields and thrusters.

As your captain now, I...

(clears throat)
Is everyone OK?

Yeah, I got him right here.

He's our man, all right.

- Hey kid, you got an agent?
- No.

Wanna be rich beyond
your wildest dreams?

- Yes please.
- Great, cos I've got a part

that you were just born to play.

You're gonna be a star, I tell you,

providing you
don't get the yips.

(laughing)

(upbeat synth music)

(machinery beeping)

What are your orders, Captain?

The enemy is attacking.

(high-pitched) Fire the Voltazers.

Raise the shields, please.

Go to red alert. Thank you.

I'm sorry your series was cancelled

after one episode, mate.

Yeah, well, I think it was
the script, to be honest.

So, John boy,
how'd you like your present?

Now you, too, can live
the high life of an actor.

It's literally a pizza menu.

It's the least I could do
for saving my life.

And for being everything
Captain Steele should be,

minus the looks and libido, of
course.

He's got a gun!

(people gasping)

I'm sorry, old chap.

I just hate you too much
not to shoot you.

(chuckles)
Goodbye, Rogers.

- (gasps)
- (gunfire blasting)

- (gunfire blasting)
- Everyone, get down!

Hold up, I've got this.

- Jesus Christ!
- Chief!

Just give me a second
to line this up here.

(gunfire blasting)

(Man) Stop, Chief!

(Woman)
Put the gun down!

(Man) So much blood, Chief!

(gunfire blasting)

(woman screaming)

Still got it.

Chief, you're a terrible shot.

What do you expect?

I ain't fired it
in over 20 years.

(all laughing)

Chief just shot everyone.

(all laughing)

We should call an ambulance.

You know, it's funny.

This reminds me
of a really great story.

It all started when I...

(upbeat jazz music)