Original subtitles

[ Trilling shout]

Yep. This is where I live.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Hey.

Sabrina. You're home.

Just in time for our cinco De mayocelebration.

Cinco De Mayo? It was just El new year's.

We know, but while the rest of new england

is complaining about the weather

we are turning up the heat

with a little "south of the border" fiesta.

Crispy flauta?

No. Gracias.

You guys are weird.

Well, excuse us for having fun.

We were going to ask you to join us...

But if you're uptight...

Don't say that. There's nothing worse

than when your parents call you "uptight."

Come on, loosen up.

You know you want to wear

a sombrero.

Now try an "ole."

Ole.

Hey, that was sort of fun.

All right, I'm in.

Where's the salsa?

Over here, but it's kind of spicy.

I think I can handle it, cat.

[ Screaming]

Hot, hot, hot, hot!

Feels warmer in here already.

We'll be back in... mintues

so, "r" = 7 + 11 over 2, or... 9.

[ Teacher sneezes]

And "r" = 7 - 11 over 2, or -2.

[ Sneezes]

That's it.

I've reached my chalk limit for the day.

What is it, Sabrina?

I have a question.

I know that.

That's why I said "what is it, Sabrina?"

Well, in that problem, the roots

turn out to be round numbers.

But what if the roots turn out to be irrational?

Irrational? You mean, like teenage girls?

Just express

those roots in radical form.

You mean, as a fraction?

Didn't you read the textbook?

Yeah, but it's kind of confusing.

Well, let's find out who's confused and who isn't

by having a little test tomorrow.

[ All groaning]

And you can all thank Sabrina for it.

I was just trying to learn.

Hello.

Is Salem there?

Speaking.

It's shelley.

Shelley?!

Zelda, you'll never guess who called.

I'll give you a hint: Shelley.

Shelley? Your ex-girlfriend?

The one who left you?

She didn't leave me.

She just needed some time

by herself.

Two decades?

Three, but... I repeat, but...

From the sound of her voice

I'd say she has crawling back on her mind.

I see. Did you happen to mention that you're a cat now?

Is it that noticeable?

Oh, not again.

Hilda! Stop that!

It wasn't me.

Sabrina?

What's wrong?

Mr. Rothwell is giving us a huge math test tomorrow.

So now I have to go memorize formulas, like "x" = why me?

You watch that finger, young lady.

-B + or - the square root of "b" squared - 4ac over 2A.

♪ Shake your whammy Fanny, funky song, funky song ♪

♪ shake your wham...

Harvey!

What?

You're singing the "funky song". Now, it's going to be stuck

in my head during the whole test.

Sorry. I didn't even know I was doing it.

Well, I'm really nervous, so please don't sing.

Okay.

-B + or -

the square root of "b"...

I hearyou thinking it.

I can't thinkit?

Not while I'm studying.

Can I at least finish this verse?

Yeah, but hurry.

[ No audio]

Okay. Done. Good.

[ Sighs]

-B + or - the square root of...

I hate rothwell.

Look, Sabrina, you know this stuff.

You know you know it.

You just have to relax.

I can't. Do you see this?

This is me freaking out.

Okay, now please, can I just study?

I promise I won't make a noise.

You can turn the page.

Gordie, hurry.

Wait. How do I find the slope of a line?

Oh, that's easy. You just...

I lost it.

The slope slipped!

If only we had more time.

Much better.

M = ...Dah, da-da, da-da, da-da...

I knew that.

♪ Shake your whammy Fanny

okay, it's "m" = "y" sub 2 - "y" sub 1

over "x" sub 2 - "x" sub 1.

You saved my life.

Thank me later. Right now, move!

Move, move, move!

Five... four... Three... two...

"F"!

Poor Emma.

I think she stopped to help

that girl in the wheelchair.

[ Speaking in falsetto]: Too late. Bye-bye.

All right

let's get started.

The test consists of fifteen questions

for a possible 100 points.

The first five are worth nine points

next five eight points.

The last five are three-pointers.

You may begin.

What was that?

I dropped my pencil.

Oh, please. I know what's going on here.

You're leaning over to look at your neighbor's test.

No, I...

That's it, come sit at my desk.

You'll take the test there.

Then I won't have to worry about you cheating.

But I've never cheated on a test in my life.

Then there should be no problem.

Ok get to work... - B + or -...

[ Harvey's voice]: ♪ funky song, funky song... ♪

Harvey! Why did I study with Harvey?

Because he's cute.

I wonder if we'll get married.

No, no, pay attention.

-B + or -...

I hate rothwell, I hate rothwell.

Oh, no.

Can he hear me think?

I've got to relax.

Can't tense up.

[ Loud scratching]

Why is everyone writing so loud?

Why did Napoleon want to rule by himself?

No, math. Stick to math.

You know this stuff.

You can do this.

-B...

What?

Pencils down.

Time's up.

"Then add one macadamia nut

and he will have an expanding butt."

Hilda: What's going on?!

I heard an explosion.

Oh. You're just making soup.

No, I'm stirring up a little revenge for Mr. Rothwell.

What happened?

It was so humiliating.

He made me take the test in front of the whole class.

Like some sort of zoo monkey?

Yeah. Koko hate teacher man.

Anyway, I know I flunked

so I'm giving him an expanding butt

until I can find the perfect revenge spell.

Well, you know, nothing says "payback"

like "just desserts."

"It's the spell that guarantees he'll get what's coming to him."

But it's only to be used as a last resort.

You might want to try to deal with him the mortal way first.

You mean, t.P. His house?

No, talk to him.

I don't want to.

You talk to him.

Mr. Rothwell?

Yes.

Hi. I'm hilda spellman, Sabrina's aunt.

I wanted to talk to you

about the test that she took today.

Excellent timing. I just finished correcting them.

I'll find hers.

Oh thanks, see she's upset.

Because she thinks she failed.

I know she didn't because she's very bright and she studied so hard.

She got an "f."

That's impossible.

Are you sure you added it up right?

Ms. Spellman, I'm a math teacher

but feel free to double check.

There were 15 questions

the first five were worth 40 points

the next five were worth 45.

The last five were worth 15.

Sabrina got two of the biggies

three of the middies and one of the babies, for grand total

of 45 points of what percent of a hundred?

Oh, I, uh... 15 questions

100 points... Carry the two...

I have no idea!

Forty-five percent!

Geez, no wonder she failed.

But I didn't have a chance to study for this meeting.

More lizard's leg, and don't skimp on the howlet's wing.

Let's put in this jar of cocktail onions that's been in the fridge forever.

Yeah!

What smells so sweet?

Revenge.

It's time to teach Mr. Rothwell a lesson.

With a number two cauldron?

It can't be that serious.

It is. Keep stirring.

Wait. There's been

a breakdown in communication.

I will go talk to him

as physicist to algebra teacher

and we will work this out logically.

And no one seeks vengeance until I get back.

Can we at least make his butt a little bigger?

As big as you want it to be!

I wanted to discuss this rationally

but you're making it hard.

Hey, she failed the test.

What do you want me to do about it?

But the circumstances were unfair.

Look, if it makes you feel better, you can blame this on me

but I think we both know these problems start at home.

What problems?

Hey, if a kid can't master the quadratic equation

that says to me dysfunctional family.

We function just fine.

Tell it to a social worker.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I haveto get to the gym.

This is so great.

Thank you so much for backing me up.

Well, you were 100% right about this guy.

Please, no percentages.

Is it revenge yet?

Mm, it's really spiteful.

Let's finish the spell.

Hilda, you do the honors.

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting

lizard's leg and howlet's wing

for a charm of powerful trouble

fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Take it away, Sabrina.

Fair is foul and foul is fair

hover through fog and filthy air.

Now what?

Wait and see.

[ Cackling]

You cackled.

This is going to be so cool.

Weird. Rothwell is never late.

Maybe he called in sick

or maybe he had car trouble.

Or maybe the earth yawned and swallowed him up.

It could happen.

Oh, toothpicks.

I am late for the first time in my life

because I've been the victim of a great injustice.

Yes!

I got a speeding ticket.

Speeding ticket?

Three witches and a number ten cauldron

and the best we could do was a stupid speeding ticket?

Maybe the lizard's leg wasn't fresh.

I thought it smelled funny.

Great.

Rothwell will just go to court and weasel out of it.

Court? The spell is working.

He'll find his just desserts there.

Let's go early and get good seats.

And don't worry.

Justice will be served.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come his butt deflated?

What do you think?

Red lamborghini.

This has to impress my ex-girlfriend, shelley.

Sure. Now all you have to do

is lose the paws, whiskers and fur.

Hey, so what if I'm a cat?

This car says I got it going on!

[ Laughs]

Man: It's a travesty

of justice, sir.

I mean, I know red.

Red is the color of rage

and that light was not red.

It was yellow...

Yellow as the sunshine.

Well, in light of your flowery prose

and the fact that the arresting officer didn't show

I'll cut your fine in half.

Half?!

Sir, half an injustice is still an injustice.

Case closed.

This court is in recess.

Wait. Come back here.

I want that judge.

He was easy.

Mr. Rothwell?

Do I know you?

Well of course, you wouldn't recognize me.

Not without tears streaming down my face

like a harsh, unforgiving rain.

I'm Clifford Weaver... Your former algebra student.

Wait. You're a novelist now.

You wrote rage against the system.

I loved that book.

It was full of hate.

There's Mr. Rothwell.

Ooh, I think that's for us.

Either that's part of the spell

or the bailiff keeps steaks.

I bet that's our judge.

In the refrigerator?

Yes. Witch judges take turns in the deep freeze

to prevent media bias.

For example

judge Samuels has been in here since 1956.

Wow. A man untouched by CNN.

Now, that's a good night's sleep.

Hi, judge Samuels.

Here's the deal.

We are...

Shh! Not a word.

I must stay pure for the law.

Just a cup of cocoa, and I'm in business.

Guilty!

Order!

One more outburst like that, and I'll...

All right.

I'm ready.

Court is in session.

Jeremy rothwell

you are charged

with violating vehicular code section 16-4:

Driving at an unsafe speed.

How do you plead?

Not guilty.

You're also charged

with violation of the existential code

section 63-b:

Multiple counts

of being mean and unfair.

How do you plead?

What is this?

I never heard of an existential code.

You have to read the fine print.

How do you plead?

Not guilty.

Ha!

Plea entered.

Strike the "ha."

Prosecution may present its case.

Are the people present?

We're the people.

We are? Cool.

Sabrina, what are you doing here?

Didn't you hear? We're the people.

Proceed.

Thank you, your honor.

The people would like to call

as their first witness...

Clifford Weaver.

[ People gasping]

[ Gargling]

Mmm. Minty fresh for milady.

I'd be more nervous if I weren't so good-looking.

And yes, he failed me.

But, I mean, listen to those words.

He... failed... me.

Throw the book at him, judge.

Thank you, Clifford.

Your honor, I'd like to cross-examine this witness.

Well then, proceed.

Clifford...

You wrote the book

rage against the system, correct?

Correct.

And isn't it true that the New York times

picked you as the best of the new breed

of angry young writers?

I resent that moniker, but yes.

Well, what made you angry, Clifford?

Was it your mother holding your hand?

Was it the librarian patting your head?

Or was it me?!

I gave you that anger.

I spoon-fed you that rage.

I made you what you are today.

You should thank me!

You never helped me.

That's a lie!

No further questions.

I've never been so angry in my life.

That's my second novel.

Quick, call another witness.

The people call...

The arresting officer.

[ Gasping]

So, he was speeding?

Definitely.

And was he mean?

Mean?

Mean, disagreeable

unkind, knavish. Mean.

Well, he threw his registration at me.

Then he muttered under his breath

"what a jerk"

but I heard him.

I have really good ears.

And lovely eyes.

Thank you.

No further questions.

The people call our next witness.

Sabrina spellman.

Normally, I don't like to say bad things about people

but as I am under oath...

Mr. Rothwell's completely unfair.

He doesn't like kids, he doesn't like math

he doesn't like teaching and he doesn't like chalk.

These are very serious charges.

Have you any proof?

I could call my friend gordie.

Proof, proof, any proof?

It doesn't exist.

Mr. Rothwell's unfairness lies

only in the hearts of those students

whose love of math he has destroyed.

Including yours, Sabrina?

It's too early to tell, but...

There is a chance

that for the rest of my life

I will fear math.

I will sweat every time

I have to calculate a tip.

I will put off balancing my checkbook.

I will play Blackjack,

but I will not understand it.

If you understood it, you wouldn't play it.

Thank you.

You may step down.

Counselor, are there any other witnesses?

The people rest.

Would the defendant like to make a closing statement?

Yes, I would.

Your honor, I'm not a baby-sitter.

I'm paid to teach math, and that is what I do.

Yes, I could be more sensitive, but let's face it.

The world is full of people like me...

People who choose favorites, people who don't accept excuses

people who are unfair.

Well, life is unfair

and I'm just helping my students to get used to that.

Mr. Rothwell, just one last question.

Do you intend to teach high school

for the rest of your life?

Are you kidding?

I'm just doing this till I can start on

my own software company.

Oh. Thank you.

Well, I shall return with my decision

and a fresh cup of cocoa.

Salem: Flowers, soft lights...

What's missing?

Oops. Almost forgot.

[ Soft music plays]

Oh, yeah.

I've reached my decision.

With respect to the existential code violation

this court finds you not guilty due to insufficient evidence.

With respect

to the vehicular code violation

the court finds you guilty as charged.

Aw, nuts.

But we'll waive the usual $40 fine

and instead

sentence you to a lifetime

of teaching high school algebra.

What?! That's not fair!

Case closed.

No!

No...!

No!!

This trial shall be stricken from all mortal memory.

Court is adjourned.

Wait a second.

How can being sentenced to teaching high school

be sufficient punishment?

Because it's the worst thing

Mr. Rothwell can imagine.

But now kids are going to be stuck with him

year after year.

Well, whether he means to or not

he teaches a valuable lesson.

Some people are just jerks?

Yes, but if you study hard

and you don't let him get to you

you'll pass algebra, and then you can forget it

but he's trapped in math forever.

So, he did get his just desserts.

Mm-hmm.

And now I think we should get frozen desserts.

[ Doorbell rings]

The door's open.

Salem?

I don't believe it.

You look even more stunning

than the last time

I saw you.

It's so good to see you, too.

No! Stay back!

Why?

You said you wanted to talk

so let's talk.

Youwant to talk?

You have changed.

You could say that.

Is that your cat?

Huh? Uh, y-yes.

They make incredible companions, you know.

So, what's on your mind?

Us. And how we broke up.

See, at the time, I felt shut out.

You were so consumed with global conquest

and I resented taking a backseat

to world domination.

But here it is 30 years later, and...

Now I realize that you were the best thing

that ever happened to me.

Go on.

I know it's kind of sudden, but...

I think we should give it another try.

I don't see why not.

I care about you, you care about me...

Enough words!

Salem, hold me.

Oh, shelley!

Oh! Your cat!

Get off me!

Salem...

Salem: I can explain.

Salem...

Is that you?

Yes.

You're a cat?

Technically.

Who's your friend?

A mannequin?!

How long were you expecting this to fool me?

Another 30 seconds?

Well, all right. Look

I got caught

and they sentenced me to 100 years as this.

This is not what I had in mind.

We can work it out.

Sorry, cat, this is good-bye.

I loved you.

But I'm better now.

I like to snuggle

I have great night vision

and I'm super, super clean.

It's so unfair.

[ Sobbing]

Which equals the square root

of negative four or two "I."

Got it. Perfect.

You seem a lot more relaxed today.

Yeah, well, I decided I'm not going to let rothwell get to me.

And you know, I'm even feeling a little sorry for him.

Did you hear the financing fell through

on his software company?

And have you noticed how big his butt's gotten?

No.

Okay, last problem.

♪ Shake your whammy Fanny, funky song, funky song ♪

♪ shake your whammy Fanny, funky song... ♪

All: Shh!

Sorry.

[ No audio]

[ Sighing]

Poor Salem.

Are you going to be okay?

I guess.

With time.

No.

Don't worry, you'll be happy again soon.

Please. Shelley was the love of my life.

What would ever replace her in my heart?

Maybe this'll help.

A giant ball of yarn?!

This is the best ever!

I thought you'd like it.

Like it? I don't even remember her name!