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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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FAMILY OR NOTHING
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00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:16,725
Rachid, stand by. Two minutes.
5
00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:17,642
Thank you.
6
00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:28,755
Montreal, make some noise!
7
00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:35,095
Sit down!
8
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,013
What's up, Montreal?
9
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:41,309
Thank you for being here.
Thank you so much!
10
00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:43,269
Thanks, poor people up there.
11
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:45,897
I'm so happy.
12
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:48,149
You don't know how happy I am.
13
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:51,653
This is like receiving
the college degree I never got.
14
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:55,865
This is Netflix, guys! Thank you!
15
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:02,163
I'm grateful just to be doing shows.
16
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:06,376
I'm not bullshitting you.
It's completely genuine.
17
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:10,421
Not that long ago, I was doing shows
18
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:14,300
on Zoom in my room
for plumbers from Pont-Viau.
19
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:19,430
5:00 p.m., "Hey, how's it going?
We'll have a fun night together!"
20
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:21,182
"Show me your pecker!"
21
00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:30,984
If you were able to be here tonight
and celebrate comedy with me,
22
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:34,028
it means you're a survivor,
23
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:37,991
so give yourselves
a round of applause, Montreal!
24
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,583
That wasn't sincere.
25
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:50,378
You don't know how much you've survived.
26
00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:55,049
I don't mean only physically.
I'm talking mentally, going through this.
27
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,259
Remember!
28
00:02:56,342 --> 00:03:00,388
Imagine explaining
the past three years to someone.
29
00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:05,852
Imagine your best friend gets into a car
accident right before that whole mess.
30
00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:07,687
March 10, 2020.
31
00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:13,818
Slams into a wall, slips into a coma
and comes out of it…
32
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,069
yesterday!
33
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:21,743
And you're the dumbass at the hospital
having to answer his first question.
34
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,207
"What did I miss?"
35
00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:37,175
That's what you're asking?
You're not hungry or anything?
36
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:41,221
What did you miss? How do I say this?
37
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,518
We'll start from the beginning,
if you don't mind.
38
00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:52,065
Remember when we were young
and we played "Would You Rather?"
39
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:53,358
Remember?
40
00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:56,986
Then I asked you, "Hey! Would you rather
41
00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:01,866
starve to death or eat a bat?"
42
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,201
Remember?
43
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,080
Well, some moron ate one and now
44
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,249
there's a virus.
45
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,254
I…
46
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:19,425
That's what Google told me
and I believed it.
47
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:20,927
One hell of a virus!
48
00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:25,056
Everyone that caught it
had serious rectal issues,
49
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,226
because Costco was out of toilet paper.
50
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:30,895
Hey!
51
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:32,647
Why did we buy so much?
52
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:37,151
You missed one hell of a virus.
When you caught it, after a few days…
53
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,989
Fever, then…
54
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:47,287
You couldn't smell anything.
"Did you fart, Cheryl? I can't smell it!"
55
00:04:48,746 --> 00:04:52,834
You lost your sense of smell.
Name another disease that does this.
56
00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:56,087
Then you lost the sense of taste.
57
00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:57,005
Yes.
58
00:04:57,088 --> 00:05:03,594
It didn't change anything about
the French-Canadian food, but…
59
00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:10,768
There was a first dose of a vaccine.
60
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,022
Then, a second dose.
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00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,191
A third one!
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00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:20,903
A fourth one!
63
00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:25,450
Every time the Premier
would tell us about a new dose,
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00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:28,036
he looked like a husband caught cheating.
65
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,913
"I swear, this is the last time. I swear…"
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00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:34,042
"This won't happen again!"
67
00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:40,298
"We can party later."
68
00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:44,093
"We can celebrate,
I'll make out with my sister on live TV…"
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00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:51,726
I've got a good one for you.
70
00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:54,228
You must have blocked this out.
71
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,522
That's what happens with trauma.
72
00:05:57,106 --> 00:05:58,274
Are you ready?
73
00:05:58,858 --> 00:05:59,776
Look at me.
74
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:06,783
We needed to go home before 8:00 p.m.
75
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:16,709
Do you remember driving then?
76
00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:19,879
Like a maniac on the highway!
77
00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:24,509
At 7:45, "Get out of the way!
I'm breaking the law!"
78
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,345
"Out of the way, bitch!"
79
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,560
How many of your neighbor's cats
did you run over?
80
00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:35,978
"Sorry, Pippo."
81
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,360
Look at that curve.
82
00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:47,782
Looks like my dad's spine.
83
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:54,789
You needed to be home by 8:00,
or they sent the boogeyman after you.
84
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:58,459
"Inside! No more late nights."
85
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,837
"No more!"
86
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:12,932
Unless you had a dog.
87
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,567
Which idiot bureaucrat came up with that?
88
00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:26,404
"Mr. Premier,
here's my idea to prevent mass suicide."
89
00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:28,865
"8:00, okay."
90
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:31,033
"If someone has a dog,
91
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,912
they can walk
one kilometer in this direction…
92
00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:38,791
and retrace their steps."
93
00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,172
How did you know you'd walked a kilometer?
94
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,134
"I think this is it."
95
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,017
I don't know about you,
96
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:59,520
but when that special
dog-permission came out,
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00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:02,523
everyone in my hood, Chomedey, Laval,
98
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:05,359
walked anything they got their hands on.
99
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:08,279
Fish.
100
00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:13,534
Fried fish.
101
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:15,286
Yeah.
102
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,372
My cousin Yusef would walk his microwave.
103
00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:21,542
"Pana! Hi, miss. Pana."
104
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:26,255
"Panasonic, come! Come, dickhead, come!"
105
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:32,053
"How did it end?"
106
00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:33,429
How did it end?
107
00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:37,600
While you were in a coma,
it was a nightmare.
108
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,685
Yes, the first time…
109
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,020
Especially for women.
110
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,565
Women, locked up, not allowed to go out…
111
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:47,527
At one point, they were able to go out…
112
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:57,787
They all had 6-inch roots showing
and huge bushes.
113
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,794
"I'm getting some Starbucks!"
114
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:11,717
Over.
115
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:15,680
So thanks for being here.
My mom always said to be grateful.
116
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,516
"Be grateful, you bastard."
117
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,518
"Rachid, my son,
118
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:26,023
you know you're the first Arab in Quebec
to have such a successful comedy career?"
119
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,484
"There were no famous Arabs before."
120
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:33,698
"To be the first in this industry comes
with responsibilities, son."
121
00:09:34,198 --> 00:09:37,702
"Find a cause you care about
and improve our society."
122
00:09:37,785 --> 00:09:41,163
I was like, "I'm not in politics.
What's going on?"
123
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,583
"I'm not an activist, I'm a comedian."
124
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:48,087
"It'll come without you knowing."
And I think it did.
125
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:52,925
I believe, while trying to entertain you,
year after year,
126
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:56,053
I think I might've helped improve
127
00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,347
the image of Arabs, which, honestly,
128
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:03,394
has needed a makeover since 9/11.
129
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:05,688
Right?
130
00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:08,190
Right?
131
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:10,818
Seriously.
132
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,405
If any of you studied world history,
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00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:16,949
name one people for the last 500 years
134
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:20,578
that's been the face of terror
for this long.
135
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:21,537
It's crazy.
136
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:26,125
We've been playing terrorists
in American movies since the '80s.
137
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,586
Enough! Arabs are a great people,
138
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:31,255
they deserve to be discovered.
Extraordinary people.
139
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:34,342
But there's always this idea
in our collective imagination.
140
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,177
It's true!
141
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:42,058
But it's here and it exists.
142
00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:48,105
These stereotypes feeding
this face of terror are alive and well,
143
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,775
all because of two types of extremists.
144
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:54,570
I'll surprise you, these extremists
couldn't be further apart.
145
00:10:55,112 --> 00:10:58,908
You know the first one,
the terrorist you see in the news,
146
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:01,369
trying to kill as many people as possible.
147
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,205
Then there's the other extremist.
148
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:08,209
An extremist is someone
with extreme opinions.
149
00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:11,087
So there's the other one,
in his mom's basement.
150
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:15,424
You know him, he judges Arabs as a whole.
151
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,678
"Look at that baby!
There's something in that diaper."
152
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,389
"A grenade or something.
We need to check!"
153
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,057
You know him?
154
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:27,186
He lives in his mother's basement
in Saint-Jérôme, he's 44 years old.
155
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:31,107
He watches TV half-naked.
156
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,902
He's more comfortable that way.
157
00:11:38,989 --> 00:11:42,034
He crushes Cheetos on his gut like this.
158
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,706
And he screams at the TV,
159
00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:47,665
"Hey!"
160
00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:54,171
"No deal! No deal, Howie!"
161
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:57,258
"Come on!"
162
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:11,272
This face of terror keeps going
because of these extremists.
163
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:16,026
I'm so unlucky, on the same day,
same night, really,
164
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,653
I experienced both.
165
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,989
I was leaving the Bordel Comedy Club
166
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,783
where comedians go
to test out new material.
167
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,160
It went well!
168
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:26,328
I'm proud as a peacock.
169
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,330
An older lady comes up to me.
170
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:32,209
She goes, "Good evening,
Mr. Badouri, I loved your set."
171
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:35,337
"Oh, thanks so much."
"You're Moroccan, aren't you?"
172
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,840
I go, "I was born here
but I have Moroccan ancestry."
173
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:39,759
"Oh, you're Moroccan."
174
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,511
She rolled her Rs.
175
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,347
She voted for the CAQ. She says…
176
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,768
That's how we spot you
at the polling station.
177
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:49,810
She says…
178
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:54,190
She says, "I loved how you made us laugh."
179
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:59,153
Listen to what she said next,
"Seeing you make us laugh is a big change
180
00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:03,324
from your usual negative
Moroccan reputation."
181
00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:04,408
I thought, "Oh!"
182
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:09,747
"Smells like racism in here."
183
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:16,086
"What reputation are you talking about?
Arabs have an array to choose from."
184
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:20,925
She goes, "About how you're
the biggest thieves on Earth!"
185
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:22,092
I thought, "Oh!"
186
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:25,221
She was old, I put my knife away.
187
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:26,388
I said, "Listen."
188
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:33,938
I'm not going to fight her,
she's 108 years old. I said, "Hang on."
189
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:37,608
She met someone famous,
she put her foot in her mouth.
190
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:40,820
But we'll help her. We'll rephrase.
191
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:44,615
She didn't want to say
we were the biggest thieves in the world.
192
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:48,410
Rather, I think she was saying that
193
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,664
when a Moroccan steals something,
194
00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:55,125
the entire planet knows about it
195
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:58,921
because the robbery itself
is closer to science fiction.
196
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:01,966
Even magicians in Vegas want
to know their tricks.
197
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,385
They don't know how they do it.
198
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:06,804
While she was saying this to me,
199
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:09,390
I remembered reading a story in the paper,
200
00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:12,560
page three,
some of you will remember it too,
201
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:15,521
there was a picture
of a missing Citi Bike they'd found.
202
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:18,399
Wait! Don't give it away.
203
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,276
"Yes!" Calm down.
204
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:27,867
They found a Citi bike, very far from
where it was supposed to be.
205
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,913
I'm taking my time with this story.
206
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:35,666
You want the punchline too soon.
It's my job.
207
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,127
Calm down.
208
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,130
Go ahead, where was it?
209
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,593
In Casablanca, Morocco!
210
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:53,726
What?
211
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:56,645
Have you ever seen a Citi Bike?
212
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,690
I doubt you've never seen one,
if not, Google it.
213
00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:01,025
It's not a Big Wheel.
214
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,193
It's like a mountain bike,
215
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:06,405
with handlebars like moose antlers.
216
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:10,242
They weld a tiny picnic basket
in the front,
217
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,079
with a sticker covering
the entire back wheel.
218
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:15,539
It's neon orange.
219
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,000
DoorDash on the back wheel.
220
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,422
The Moroccan went through security.
221
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,759
How shitty is our security?
222
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:32,056
The Moroccan, he went through,
"Hi! Salam alaikum."
223
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:34,725
"Just biking around the city,
I'll be back."
224
00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:36,393
Just like that!
225
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:40,481
Nothing! They didn't see anything!
226
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:42,274
"Nice bike, Cheryl."
227
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,443
"Look, the handlebar and the…"
228
00:15:44,526 --> 00:15:46,904
"Hey, sir! Hey! You, with the bike."
229
00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:49,406
"Stop. You thought you'd snuck past me?"
230
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,409
"Leave the bottle of water here."
231
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:57,915
"It's illegal."
232
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,002
So he stole it, but there's more.
233
00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:07,257
The cherry on top of the couscous.
He put it up for sale.
234
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:12,221
Usually, the point of being a criminal
235
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:16,642
is to slip under the radar, go unnoticed.
236
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:20,604
Not him. He placed an ad
on the Moroccan Kijiji.
237
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,441
"Nice Canadian bike for sale."
238
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:27,277
"The last owner, Mr. DoorDash,
239
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:30,489
wrote his name on the wheel
like a son of a bitch."
240
00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:35,077
Moroccans have never been thieves.
241
00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:37,997
We are salesmen, though.
242
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,625
Come on! Some stereotypes are true.
243
00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:46,005
It's in my blood to bargain daily,
otherwise, my brain will implode.
244
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:51,427
Don't believe me?
Stop going south for your vacation.
245
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,470
"All-inclusive, blah blah blah…"
246
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,514
Go to Morocco.
247
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:59,685
Go visit one of, if not
the most beautiful country in the world.
248
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:01,645
Go see what's… Go to Marrakesh.
249
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:05,315
I was filming a documentary there
with my dad. You'll freak!
250
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,694
Your eyes aren't ready for it.
251
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:13,782
Go to the south of Morocco, visit a souk.
I'm begging you.
252
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:17,244
It's like a flea market but really exotic.
You'll love it!
253
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:20,664
Souks are the heart of Morocco, I swear.
254
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,042
You can find anything there.
255
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:25,711
Even knock-offs. You've got to be careful.
256
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:29,339
There's contraband sometimes.
You know it's fake.
257
00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:32,593
If you go into a store and you see Adidus,
get out!
258
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:38,849
I saw a nice Lacoste polo.
What's their logo?
259
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:42,519
-A crocodile.
-Took you long enough. "Huh, a horse?"
260
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,649
It's a crocodile with its tail up, right?
261
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,651
Great. I find a nice blue one.
262
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,780
I step up to the mirror,
the tail curved downward,
263
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,157
almost between his legs.
264
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:59,870
That's not a Lacoste, that's Low-cost.
265
00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:03,457
I said, "Sir, it's a fake."
266
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,959
"No, no. I swear on my mother's life."
267
00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:08,879
"On my mother's life, friend."
268
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:10,756
"First, I'm not your friend. Second…"
269
00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:14,510
"Stop swearing on your mother's life
when you're lying."
270
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:18,722
"Her head's going to fall off.
You put too much on it, it'll fall off."
271
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:22,309
"It's a fake! Look!
The tail's curved underneath it!"
272
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:25,479
"That's because you're being loud.
He's scared."
273
00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:28,982
"That's why he put his tail
between his legs."
274
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:35,447
And he adds, "Wait a couple of hours,
rub the tail, it'll come up like so."
275
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:51,463
I bought it.
276
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,217
No one ever…
277
00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:59,555
It never stops.
278
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:03,684
There's always someone,
I told you, two extremes.
279
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:08,021
There's always one side or the other
feeding the stereotypes.
280
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:11,150
Remember a few years ago, in Toronto,
281
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:17,489
a maniac, in broad daylight,
ran people over in downtown Toronto.
282
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,408
He rented a white van, and bam!
283
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:22,494
That's another kind of terror.
He didn't like women.
284
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,913
He wanted to kill as many as possible.
285
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:30,252
He was part of a group who describe
themselves as "involuntarily celibate".
286
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,715
Involuntarily celibate?
287
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:37,092
The woman you killed that day,
288
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,094
who left her boyfriend grieving,
289
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:42,181
he's involuntarily celibate!
290
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:43,974
Not you!
291
00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:45,809
What did your mom tell you…
292
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:55,986
What did she say to you
for you to reach that point?
293
00:19:56,069 --> 00:20:00,240
What did she say?
"Girls don't want you, Habibi? It's okay."
294
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:01,867
"It's fine."
295
00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:05,370
"In life, we pick ourselves up
and forge ahead."
296
00:20:06,663 --> 00:20:07,581
That was dark.
297
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:12,252
I thought it was an Arab.
298
00:20:12,794 --> 00:20:16,798
When I heard there was an attack,
I was like, "Not again."
299
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,635
"Another step back."
300
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:22,012
It never stops.
301
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:24,473
If it's not this side, it's the other.
302
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,767
The man in his basement.
303
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,686
His mom's basement.
304
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,980
I remember when it started in France.
305
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:34,483
What was it? Bataclan, Charlie Hebdo.
306
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:38,153
In Spain, in Belgium, in an airport.
Everywhere.
307
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,281
And one of these dimwits
writes to me on Facebook,
308
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:44,034
where everyone can see what he wrote,
309
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:46,828
"Hey, Rachid, did your family do this?"
310
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,416
"Can you tell them to stop?"
No, don't, "Uh".
311
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,586
He was writing my show.
I was like, "Keep going!"
312
00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:58,799
He wrote some jokes for me, I'm happy.
313
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:00,759
But he didn't stop.
314
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:04,263
Terrorists attacked an airport in Belgium.
He writes again.
315
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:07,766
"Every time there's a terrorist attack,
you don't speak up."
316
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:10,727
"You're playing deaf and dumb.
So you're a terrorist."
317
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:11,812
I went, "Oh?"
318
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:16,400
"He exposed me."
319
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:20,654
Montreal, explain
his thought process to me.
320
00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:23,031
"You're playing deaf and dumb,
you're a terrorist."
321
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:27,786
Of course. Everyone knows
the legendary deaf and dumb terrorist.
322
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:31,290
Mohammed El-Mute…
323
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:38,839
entered an airport
with bombs strapped to his chest and went,
324
00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:54,604
"Did it blow up?"
325
00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:58,358
"I can't hear, did it blow?"
326
00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:00,152
"No?"
327
00:22:01,528 --> 00:22:05,907
Some of you would laugh at anything,
but others are looking at me like…
328
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:10,787
"What's happening with him?"
329
00:22:11,788 --> 00:22:13,957
"He's not going to do the moonwalk?"
330
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:17,878
"Is it racist if we laugh?"
331
00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:22,299
"You don't know anymore.
Are we deaf-ophobic? I don't know."
332
00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:29,931
When I wrote the joke I thought,
"It's harsh for deaf and mute people."
333
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:33,977
Then I thought,
"They'll never hear it!" So laugh!
334
00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:35,395
Laugh your ass off!
335
00:22:36,813 --> 00:22:37,981
Up there, laugh!
336
00:22:38,648 --> 00:22:39,566
Laugh!
337
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:46,406
"Did your family…"
338
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:48,742
Yes, laugh but calm down.
339
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:52,162
Are you coming or laughing?
340
00:22:53,288 --> 00:22:54,122
Hands off.
341
00:23:00,128 --> 00:23:02,089
That's why he won't take you out.
342
00:23:04,007 --> 00:23:06,551
Imagine in the metro. "Next stop, Berri."
343
00:23:13,016 --> 00:23:14,851
"Did your family do this?"
344
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:19,398
What was he thinking?
That when I see news like that, I go…
345
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:22,567
We're as scared as you!
We're ashamed, too.
346
00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:25,028
"Not again! Enough!"
347
00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:27,322
"Look, his name. His name!"
348
00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:29,950
"He won't be coming for Christmas."
349
00:23:33,328 --> 00:23:35,330
We don't even celebrate Christmas.
350
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:41,503
Stop being scared of Arabs.
They should be thanked.
351
00:23:41,586 --> 00:23:45,715
We have numbers today because of them.
Yeah, you forgot about that.
352
00:23:46,299 --> 00:23:47,217
You forgot.
353
00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:50,971
You thought Christopher Columbus
brought you algebra?
354
00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:53,473
No.
355
00:23:53,557 --> 00:23:56,393
It was the Arabs.
We have numbers thanks to them.
356
00:23:56,476 --> 00:23:59,855
Without them,
you'd still be stuck with Roman numerals.
357
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:01,481
Imagine how hard it would be.
358
00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:06,319
They're a beautiful people.
Like I've been saying.
359
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:10,240
But our language, when you don't know it--
360
00:24:10,323 --> 00:24:12,909
Well, North Africa, Maghreb, it's fine.
361
00:24:12,993 --> 00:24:16,621
My wife is Syrian. When she talks,
sometimes I'm like, "Yeah…"
362
00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:19,624
"Are you mad? I'm not sure…"
363
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:23,670
Yet, it's one of the most romantic
languages in the world.
364
00:24:23,753 --> 00:24:26,506
We say French is one of the most romantic.
365
00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:28,175
In France.
366
00:24:31,761 --> 00:24:32,721
Because here…
367
00:24:43,356 --> 00:24:44,191
"Nancy!"
368
00:24:46,610 --> 00:24:50,906
"I'm your pizza, you're my ghetti.
Hop in the oven and let's get cooking."
369
00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:53,950
"Let's get cooking, Nancy!"
370
00:24:59,164 --> 00:24:59,998
Anyway.
371
00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:04,211
Arabic is one
of the most romantic languages.
372
00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:07,797
My wife translates song lyrics
from a Lebanese artist.
373
00:25:07,881 --> 00:25:11,843
I think, "Wow, what this guy does
for his wife is amazing."
374
00:25:11,927 --> 00:25:13,386
But we can't hear it.
375
00:25:13,970 --> 00:25:15,305
We can't hear it.
376
00:25:15,388 --> 00:25:16,723
Miss, if I go…
377
00:25:17,891 --> 00:25:21,770
Admit it, it sounds like,
"I'll cut you up in eight pieces."
378
00:25:23,063 --> 00:25:27,025
I swear. There are Arabs here tonight.
What did I say?
379
00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:28,818
-I love you!
-That I love her.
380
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:30,904
"My love."
381
00:25:30,987 --> 00:25:34,741
"Just smile! That's the problem,
Arabs never smile."
382
00:25:35,492 --> 00:25:36,701
It's worse.
383
00:25:41,748 --> 00:25:44,292
This! You can't do this!
384
00:25:45,085 --> 00:25:46,503
That's the psychopath!
385
00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:53,677
That's why guys
who serve shawarma don't smile.
386
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:58,306
Have you ever been?
Why do they make you feel like hostages?
387
00:25:59,266 --> 00:26:01,810
"What do you want in your shish taouk?"
388
00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:05,564
-"What do you want?"
-"I just want to live."
389
00:26:06,773 --> 00:26:10,902
"Your nose is bleeding, calm down.
Go get a mat, we'll pray."
390
00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:15,282
"I'm the one who wanted to come here,
let my daughter go. Run, Megan!"
391
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:21,371
The one in the back, cutting the…
392
00:26:21,454 --> 00:26:23,748
He's the worst. He can't talk to you.
393
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:27,085
His only job is to cut the meat
with his Japanese sword.
394
00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:40,181
He's cutting a chicken that looks
like an 11-year-old's torso.
395
00:26:44,185 --> 00:26:45,812
That's why I love Latinos.
396
00:26:49,566 --> 00:26:52,027
Go ahead, yeah. I'm jealous, but go ahead.
397
00:26:52,652 --> 00:26:55,572
I grew up with them,
but damn, I'm envious.
398
00:26:55,655 --> 00:26:57,574
They've been blessed!
399
00:26:58,074 --> 00:27:02,621
Centuries ago, Latinos saw Arabs
400
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:05,832
introduce Arabic to the world.
401
00:27:05,915 --> 00:27:08,585
"Hi, we are Arabs, yes."
402
00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:14,758
Latinos went…
403
00:27:22,015 --> 00:27:23,516
They reached a consensus.
404
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:24,976
"Let's reach a consensus."
405
00:27:28,521 --> 00:27:30,190
"Let's reach a consensus."
406
00:27:31,024 --> 00:27:33,652
"Carlos, you reach a consensus with him."
407
00:27:37,947 --> 00:27:39,658
"Reach a consensus together."
408
00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:46,164
They reached a consensus.
"Every time we'll open our boca,
409
00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:50,001
people will think we're hitting on them."
410
00:27:51,711 --> 00:27:52,921
And it works!
411
00:27:53,421 --> 00:27:56,299
You don't associate terrorists
with Latinos.
412
00:27:56,383 --> 00:27:58,176
"Rachid, it's not the same."
413
00:27:58,968 --> 00:28:01,513
"Latinos are suave, caliente."
414
00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:08,186
"Latinos are so hot."
415
00:28:08,269 --> 00:28:11,731
"Bad Bunny can Fuego Fuego this ass."
416
00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:15,402
"Latinos are suave."
417
00:28:15,485 --> 00:28:17,487
"Arabs are terrorists
418
00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:22,158
blowing themselves and others up,
just to get those 72 virgins in heaven."
419
00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:25,662
72 virgins for a Latino
is a Tuesday night.
420
00:28:32,252 --> 00:28:33,169
Yes.
421
00:28:34,504 --> 00:28:35,588
"A casual Tuesday."
422
00:28:36,631 --> 00:28:39,426
A little calm, relaxing Tuesday.
423
00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:44,180
You don't think terrorists
when thinking of Latinos. No way.
424
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:46,057
"It's not the same!"
425
00:28:46,141 --> 00:28:48,435
Latinos can get anyone they want.
426
00:28:48,935 --> 00:28:52,856
Especially girls from Quebec.
Why do you think the south…
427
00:28:53,857 --> 00:28:57,736
is the most popular
vacation spot in Quebec?
428
00:28:57,819 --> 00:29:01,072
She won't tell you,
because she wants to go.
429
00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:04,409
She wants that reggaeton class
by the pool.
430
00:29:06,619 --> 00:29:08,288
That's what she wants, dude.
431
00:29:09,164 --> 00:29:11,624
They're a hit with any girl from Quebec.
432
00:29:11,708 --> 00:29:13,918
From the youngest ones to the oldest.
433
00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:15,462
Janet, 51 years old.
434
00:29:18,298 --> 00:29:21,634
She went through all of Warwick,
didn't find a boyfriend.
435
00:29:23,928 --> 00:29:25,805
So she's off to Cayo Coco.
436
00:29:29,142 --> 00:29:32,937
Name one girl from Quebec
who has never been to Cayo Coco.
437
00:29:34,022 --> 00:29:37,776
One week, all-inclusive,
at the Bahia Principe Hotel.
438
00:29:38,610 --> 00:29:39,861
Because I deserve it.
439
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:44,324
She gets there, she's not wasting time.
She's all over Pedro.
440
00:29:45,742 --> 00:29:47,410
The pool's bartender.
441
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:49,954
Every morning, "Holà, Pedro!"
442
00:29:57,712 --> 00:29:59,339
"God, I'm shitfaced."
443
00:30:13,186 --> 00:30:14,103
"Right away."
444
00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:26,199
Yes!
445
00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:30,954
He doesn't think
she's an annoying tourist.
446
00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:34,958
No, he sees Janet and what does he see?
"Canadian citizenship."
447
00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:45,301
"Health insurance."
448
00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:48,096
"Ay-yay-yay, health!"
449
00:30:48,763 --> 00:30:51,516
Every Latinos' word is thought out.
450
00:30:52,016 --> 00:30:54,435
How long did it take us
to come up with bathroom?
451
00:30:55,353 --> 00:30:56,271
Not long.
452
00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:57,897
"I'm off to the bathroom."
453
00:30:57,981 --> 00:31:00,859
It's just bathroom.
454
00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:06,990
But they made sure it had style.
It was fashionable, romantic. "Baño."
455
00:31:08,616 --> 00:31:11,369
It sounds expensive. You say bathroom…
456
00:31:11,452 --> 00:31:13,705
You say baño, "I'm coming, Pedro!"
457
00:31:19,085 --> 00:31:21,296
Okay. "Shit."
458
00:31:21,963 --> 00:31:24,173
It's even worse with a Québec accent.
"Shite."
459
00:31:24,674 --> 00:31:27,677
There's one more letter
and it changes everything.
460
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,096
It screams better. "You little shite!"
461
00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:35,852
It's still shitty.
You can smell it, like the word is in 4D.
462
00:31:38,062 --> 00:31:39,188
But in Spanish…
463
00:31:40,648 --> 00:31:42,275
Mierda.
464
00:31:46,279 --> 00:31:47,405
It's not fair!
465
00:31:52,035 --> 00:31:53,077
Mierda!
466
00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:58,249
Wouldn't you bring your daughter
to see that Disney movie, Princess Mierda?
467
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:00,919
I would.
468
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,588
I'd call my daughter Mierda.
469
00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:07,800
"That's my daughter, Mierda."
470
00:32:09,010 --> 00:32:11,054
"Her brother, Baño."
471
00:32:13,389 --> 00:32:16,351
"And the youngest, Constipado. Yes."
472
00:32:16,935 --> 00:32:18,519
"He took his time coming out."
473
00:32:21,689 --> 00:32:25,693
My wife, she's Syrian,
born in Quebec, just like me.
474
00:32:25,777 --> 00:32:29,489
She wants to help fight
against Arab stereotypes in her field.
475
00:32:29,572 --> 00:32:33,618
She's a Special Ed Teacher
Do we have any with us tonight?
476
00:32:34,994 --> 00:32:37,747
Thanks for coming.
It's my honor to make you laugh.
477
00:32:37,830 --> 00:32:43,378
Can we give it up for them?
Everyone, come on, let's go.
478
00:32:48,508 --> 00:32:49,342
Thank you.
479
00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:51,552
Thank you for that.
480
00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:54,430
I asked that, because you can't understand
481
00:32:54,514 --> 00:32:57,058
that those who clapped before you
482
00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:59,644
are among the most passionate
about their jobs.
483
00:32:59,727 --> 00:33:02,772
More than artists and that's hard to beat.
484
00:33:02,855 --> 00:33:06,192
There's a thousand reasons why
but I'll name just one.
485
00:33:06,275 --> 00:33:08,903
They are often underpaid
486
00:33:09,737 --> 00:33:11,948
even though they save lives.
487
00:33:12,031 --> 00:33:16,744
There it is. That's the society
we chose to live in, as sheep.
488
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:18,830
We have to live with that.
489
00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:21,207
We can recruit hockey players, though.
490
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:25,837
Pay them millions to push a puck around.
491
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,673
They don't speak French? Who cares?
492
00:33:28,756 --> 00:33:29,799
"Push the puck."
493
00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:34,971
"If you could put it in the net once every
10 years,
494
00:33:35,763 --> 00:33:37,306
that'd be great."
495
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:43,604
We can recruit the next hockey legend,
we'd be entertained for sure.
496
00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:47,108
But they can't save a life
497
00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:49,277
while playing at the Bell Centre.
498
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:54,157
Maybe they can inspire a kid
to make it to the top.
499
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:57,910
But they can't save a life
during the game.
500
00:33:57,994 --> 00:34:04,459
Meanwhile, there are orderlies, nurses,
whom we threatened during the pandemic!
501
00:34:04,542 --> 00:34:08,254
They're at work, doing mandatory overtime
502
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:09,964
to keep us alive!
503
00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:10,882
And them?
504
00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:17,889
It's insane.
505
00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:29,901
What's even worse is my wife
506
00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:32,737
is underpaid to save lives,
507
00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:37,158
and her husband, the comedian,
is overpaid to make you laugh tonight.
508
00:34:39,035 --> 00:34:42,288
"Turns out, I love hockey. So fun."
509
00:34:43,706 --> 00:34:47,210
She saves lives. She doesn't like me
telling that story but she's not here.
510
00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:49,420
She's downstairs.
511
00:34:50,838 --> 00:34:54,550
She worked in a school
with kids with behavior disorders.
512
00:34:55,843 --> 00:34:59,764
After lunch, she saw one of her students
on a rock, ready to jump.
513
00:34:59,847 --> 00:35:03,059
Her boyfriend broke up with her
and her life was over.
514
00:35:03,142 --> 00:35:05,311
Fifteen! Her life was over, okay?
515
00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:07,814
So my wife intervened.
516
00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:10,525
She prevented her from committing suicide.
517
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:12,735
Then, she saw her for a year.
518
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:16,030
The girl went to counselling with her
for a year.
519
00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:19,992
My wife gave her phone number to her
so if there was ever another crisis,
520
00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:23,704
she could call her, to save her,
to help her, one year.
521
00:35:23,788 --> 00:35:27,750
Sometimes the girl called
the house at 2:00 a.m.
522
00:35:28,751 --> 00:35:31,003
I picked up once,
I couldn't take it anymore.
523
00:35:31,087 --> 00:35:33,756
"He doesn't love you.
Kill yourself. Go die."
524
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,050
"Stop whining, dude."
525
00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:37,593
"Here's my wife."
526
00:35:39,345 --> 00:35:41,264
"Hurry, she's going to jump!"
527
00:35:47,103 --> 00:35:50,398
I don't know what to say sometimes.
I say, "You're a hero."
528
00:35:50,481 --> 00:35:53,568
"You and your colleagues,
a league of your own."
529
00:35:53,651 --> 00:35:57,321
She doesn't like compliments.
She always needs to pay it back.
530
00:35:57,405 --> 00:35:59,699
She says, "You do good too!"
531
00:35:59,782 --> 00:36:01,951
Why did I imitate her like that?
532
00:36:04,328 --> 00:36:05,329
That was so mean!
533
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,124
That's how I imitate my wife?
534
00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:10,209
"You make people feel good too!"
535
00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:13,254
"Don't commit suicide."
536
00:36:15,673 --> 00:36:17,049
"You make people feel happy."
537
00:36:17,133 --> 00:36:20,553
"Honey, can you just take the compliment?"
538
00:36:20,636 --> 00:36:22,263
"Compare apples to apples!"
539
00:36:22,889 --> 00:36:26,767
"You make them feel good. Sure, me too."
540
00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:30,855
"But you do a one-year follow-up
with them!"
541
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:34,483
"After the show,
they go home and I go home."
542
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:37,695
"If they follow me or me them,
there's a problem!"
543
00:36:39,947 --> 00:36:40,907
Can you imagine?
544
00:36:42,116 --> 00:36:45,036
You come home tonight, 11:30.
545
00:36:45,536 --> 00:36:46,913
"Who's that, Bill?"
546
00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:48,539
"Rachid Badouri."
547
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:52,710
"Open the door, we'll talk."
548
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:58,966
Do you know how important it is nowadays
to have a Special Ed Teacher?
549
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:01,761
It's not like it used to be.
550
00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:03,221
No, it's not.
551
00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:07,225
Back then, we feared authority.
We were scared.
552
00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:09,727
Our parents scared us. At least, mine did.
553
00:37:10,728 --> 00:37:14,315
I could throw paint on the walls,
spit in a kid's face,
554
00:37:14,398 --> 00:37:16,984
stick my bare ass
out the classroom window,
555
00:37:17,068 --> 00:37:20,238
As soon as Miss Helen said,
"I'll call your dad!"
556
00:37:26,786 --> 00:37:28,037
And that was it!
557
00:37:29,205 --> 00:37:32,375
So she arrives home
and I don't know what to do.
558
00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:36,796
So I try the spiritual approach,
we have faith, and I tell her,
559
00:37:36,879 --> 00:37:38,965
"Maybe it's not on this Earth."
560
00:37:39,048 --> 00:37:42,468
"This world is so screwed up,
that they have no clue
561
00:37:42,551 --> 00:37:45,638
how to gauge the value
of you and your colleagues."
562
00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:48,975
"Maybe when you die,
you'll inherit Heaven."
563
00:37:49,058 --> 00:37:51,435
"I don't know
if you'll have a home in Heaven."
564
00:37:51,519 --> 00:37:54,605
"But if you and your colleagues
get a crib in Heaven,
565
00:37:55,106 --> 00:37:59,902
it'll be at the corner of Nelson Mandela
and Mother Teresa boulevards."
566
00:37:59,986 --> 00:38:02,363
I felt pretty cute when I said that.
567
00:38:02,446 --> 00:38:03,864
And then I told myself,
568
00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:06,492
"You say some silly shit, Rachid Badouri."
569
00:38:06,575 --> 00:38:08,536
Because it makes no sense.
570
00:38:08,619 --> 00:38:11,622
You just said it was a screwed-up society
571
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:14,625
in which my wife, a teacher, is underpaid.
572
00:38:15,126 --> 00:38:17,920
And when she dies, she'll be overpaid.
573
00:38:18,921 --> 00:38:21,340
Me, I'm overpaid on this Earth.
574
00:38:21,424 --> 00:38:23,217
Where do I go when I die?
575
00:38:26,012 --> 00:38:28,222
It will be warmer than in Cayo Coco.
576
00:38:31,517 --> 00:38:36,272
I'll be looking for my new address,
"Excuse me, Guy Turcotte Boulevard?"
577
00:38:43,112 --> 00:38:45,865
"To the right, near Epstein Park.
Perfect."
578
00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:50,036
"A park for young girls, good idea."
579
00:38:54,832 --> 00:38:59,045
She is an educator specialized
in youths with behavioral problems.
580
00:38:59,128 --> 00:39:00,629
I'm her first project.
581
00:39:00,713 --> 00:39:04,842
And when she's not with me,
she's with our daughter Nayla.
582
00:39:05,384 --> 00:39:06,927
Who is now nine years old.
583
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:11,223
Can you imagine, I missed out on
seeing that princess grow up?
584
00:39:11,307 --> 00:39:14,143
I was touring Europe until she was four.
585
00:39:14,226 --> 00:39:15,227
I didn't see her.
586
00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:17,480
Thank God my wife had some help.
587
00:39:17,563 --> 00:39:21,901
One of her friends stayed
with her at home for the first four years.
588
00:39:22,443 --> 00:39:27,156
So my daughter grew up thinking
her dad was a strong Haitian woman.
589
00:39:29,283 --> 00:39:33,829
It was hard for me when I would come back.
I was trying to be a father to her.
590
00:39:33,913 --> 00:39:37,291
"Nayla! It's me, your father!"
591
00:39:37,375 --> 00:39:40,169
"Stop that right now and come to me."
592
00:39:50,471 --> 00:39:52,306
"You come here, bitch".
593
00:39:54,934 --> 00:39:55,768
What?
594
00:40:02,274 --> 00:40:05,986
The pandemic did do something for me.
I could stay home with my family.
595
00:40:06,070 --> 00:40:07,696
I didn't have to travel.
596
00:40:07,780 --> 00:40:11,367
And above all, I took the time
to get to know my daughter.
597
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:14,286
The more I got to know her,
the more I realized
598
00:40:14,370 --> 00:40:15,996
I don't like her that much.
599
00:40:17,039 --> 00:40:17,957
She's crazy.
600
00:40:19,500 --> 00:40:20,501
Pretty crazy.
601
00:40:20,584 --> 00:40:23,504
When my wife was pregnant I prayed,
602
00:40:23,587 --> 00:40:27,550
"If you hear me,
make it so she takes after her mom."
603
00:40:27,633 --> 00:40:32,054
Special Ed teachers are calm and zen.
604
00:40:32,138 --> 00:40:36,142
She doesn't need to take after me,
except my sense of humor.
605
00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:39,603
Not this! Nothing!
606
00:40:40,771 --> 00:40:41,772
Not this!
607
00:40:42,606 --> 00:40:44,650
I don't do drugs and I'm like this!
608
00:40:48,696 --> 00:40:50,948
Good thing I grew up in the '80s.
609
00:40:51,031 --> 00:40:55,327
It wasn't yet a trend to label your kid
with a disorder.
610
00:40:56,162 --> 00:40:57,538
Unlike today.
611
00:40:57,621 --> 00:41:01,250
Careful, if you want kids today,
we'll find them a disorder.
612
00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:03,085
"My kid doesn't have one."
613
00:41:03,169 --> 00:41:05,629
Shut up. Your kid has one.
614
00:41:06,672 --> 00:41:10,009
We're sure to find something. ADHD, ADD--
615
00:41:12,344 --> 00:41:14,221
Shut up. There's always something!
616
00:41:14,722 --> 00:41:18,225
I'm not laughing at those
who have a diagnosis.
617
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:20,519
If I was from this generation, boy.
618
00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:23,397
Every diagnosis
would have had turbo in it.
619
00:41:24,982 --> 00:41:28,569
Back in the day,
we didn't have pills, okay?
620
00:41:28,652 --> 00:41:31,155
Pills. Is that the agenda? I don't get it.
621
00:41:31,238 --> 00:41:33,449
Because it helps, I'm sure it does.
622
00:41:34,033 --> 00:41:37,286
But I want you to know
that isn't the only way.
623
00:41:37,369 --> 00:41:40,247
I see many young people here.
Thanks for coming.
624
00:41:40,331 --> 00:41:43,125
I love it. I'm 46,
you're still coming to my shows,
625
00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:46,003
you follow me on TikTok,
you keep me young.
626
00:41:46,086 --> 00:41:48,464
Thanks for being a part of my life.
But wait…
627
00:41:48,547 --> 00:41:50,007
Thank you.
628
00:41:52,134 --> 00:41:53,511
That's nice. Thank you.
629
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:59,892
I want to say there are other solutions,
something other than pills.
630
00:41:59,975 --> 00:42:04,939
If they told you that,
like Uncle Rachid, you've got a small
631
00:42:05,481 --> 00:42:07,066
attention deficit.
632
00:42:07,149 --> 00:42:10,569
A small deficit, okay? Lack of focus.
633
00:42:11,111 --> 00:42:12,863
I'll give you some advice.
634
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:19,286
Get off your tablet and stop watching
French YouTubers for 15 minutes,
635
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:21,539
and go play dodgeball outside.
636
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:23,541
One game and you're cured.
637
00:42:25,084 --> 00:42:26,126
I'm telling you.
638
00:42:30,965 --> 00:42:34,260
Because if your problem is attention,
639
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:36,720
and you play a game
640
00:42:36,804 --> 00:42:40,808
where you can get killed at any time,
641
00:42:41,767 --> 00:42:45,396
with a ball to the face going
100 kilometers an hour,
642
00:42:45,479 --> 00:42:47,356
you'll pay attention!
643
00:42:50,234 --> 00:42:52,736
I know what that ball feels like
hitting your face.
644
00:42:53,237 --> 00:42:56,198
When I was young,
I was the Quebecers' only target.
645
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:58,450
"Hey, Aladdin. Aladdin only!"
646
00:43:03,289 --> 00:43:04,498
"In his face!"
647
00:43:09,837 --> 00:43:12,548
Do you remember the orange balls?
With some metal inside.
648
00:43:18,721 --> 00:43:21,140
Spalding was etched into my forehead.
649
00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:24,643
But backwards. "gnidlapS."
650
00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:29,189
People thought I had a tattoo in Russian.
"gnidlapS."
651
00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:36,196
Imagine if this trend had started
in the '80s, the disorders.
652
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:41,285
The doctor would have assessed me
to know which disorder I've got.
653
00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:46,707
The doctor would've come out
after 15 seconds.
654
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:48,626
"Call the cops."
655
00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:52,630
"I have a nosebleed."
656
00:43:55,716 --> 00:43:57,801
"Where are this chimp's parents?"
657
00:43:59,762 --> 00:44:01,263
"Come here."
658
00:44:02,931 --> 00:44:06,226
"We assessed Rachid,
he needs to be put down right away."
659
00:44:09,271 --> 00:44:11,732
Imagine my mom, "He has ADHD?"
660
00:44:11,815 --> 00:44:13,942
"No TBB, Two Bullets in the Brain."
661
00:44:14,943 --> 00:44:17,071
"Go ahead, behind the shed outside."
662
00:44:17,154 --> 00:44:19,490
"I'm doing you a favor right now."
663
00:44:20,074 --> 00:44:21,950
Anyway, I'm at the hospital.
664
00:44:22,785 --> 00:44:24,620
I'm waiting for our daughter's arrival.
665
00:44:24,703 --> 00:44:27,373
I was saying, "Push, honey, push!"
666
00:44:27,873 --> 00:44:32,503
It's so funny. Men are too proud to admit
how useless we are at this step.
667
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,172
Have you seen us there?
668
00:44:36,173 --> 00:44:38,842
"Push, honey, push. I'll hold your hand."
669
00:44:38,926 --> 00:44:41,720
"We're in this together."
670
00:44:42,221 --> 00:44:44,181
"I'm with you in this."
671
00:44:44,264 --> 00:44:45,891
"Push!"
672
00:44:45,974 --> 00:44:48,143
What did you do exactly?
673
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:49,645
What did we do?
674
00:44:49,728 --> 00:44:53,065
They gave up nine months of their lives.
675
00:44:53,148 --> 00:44:54,900
That's superhuman.
676
00:44:54,983 --> 00:44:57,736
And they suffer
for the rest of their lives!
677
00:44:57,820 --> 00:45:00,280
What did we contribute?
678
00:45:00,364 --> 00:45:02,950
Nine minutes for the best among us?
679
00:45:04,743 --> 00:45:05,994
That's it!
680
00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:11,583
What did you do, bro? What did we do?
681
00:45:11,667 --> 00:45:14,086
We went to an ATM, that's what we did.
682
00:45:14,169 --> 00:45:18,340
We went to the ATM, put our card in,
pushed buttons, made a deposit,
683
00:45:18,424 --> 00:45:20,718
took it out,
then waited until it earned interest.
684
00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:23,887
You went to the ATM.
685
00:45:24,513 --> 00:45:28,809
Stop complaining, go to Tim Hortons,
she'll call you when it's out.
686
00:45:32,438 --> 00:45:34,565
Anyway, I'm like, "Push!"
687
00:45:34,648 --> 00:45:39,236
When I saw my daughter come out,
I understood, Montreal,
688
00:45:39,319 --> 00:45:42,114
that when I was praying
she took after her mom,
689
00:45:43,031 --> 00:45:45,659
they had taken the day off upstairs.
Because…
690
00:45:46,952 --> 00:45:48,871
my daughter came out like this.
691
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:09,141
I said, "Put it back. No way it's ours."
692
00:46:09,224 --> 00:46:11,518
"It got the wrong uterus, for sure."
693
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:15,147
I cut the umbilical cord.
694
00:46:15,230 --> 00:46:17,983
And the experience was just disgusting.
695
00:46:19,026 --> 00:46:20,152
Never do that.
696
00:46:20,652 --> 00:46:23,322
I'm warning you, don't.
Takes you by surprise.
697
00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:26,950
When you hold the baby,
"Want to cut the cord?"
698
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:31,246
"Why, bro?"
699
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:35,375
"Yo man, finish your job."
700
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:40,798
When I conceived my child
with my wife in intimacy,
701
00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:43,300
did I stop at the last minute and go,
702
00:46:43,383 --> 00:46:45,761
"Mike, finish this, I've got a Zoom."
703
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:49,014
"Spank her. She likes it!"
704
00:46:53,310 --> 00:46:54,937
The baby is 15 seconds old.
705
00:46:56,063 --> 00:46:57,189
I don't understand.
706
00:46:57,272 --> 00:47:00,984
They took her out,
they latched her onto my wife's breast.
707
00:47:01,068 --> 00:47:04,822
Fifteen seconds old, no teeth,
she doesn't see anything.
708
00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:07,157
And she's already sucking.
709
00:47:08,116 --> 00:47:11,036
Like a leech. Like a vampire.
710
00:47:22,047 --> 00:47:24,258
Ripped my wife's nip.
711
00:47:26,468 --> 00:47:28,428
She's bleeding and laughing,
like a dumbass.
712
00:47:30,222 --> 00:47:31,765
"Isn't she cute?"
"No!"
713
00:47:34,017 --> 00:47:36,019
"What should we name her?"
"Satan!"
714
00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:41,108
"It's not a girl's name."
"Satanette!"
715
00:47:43,110 --> 00:47:45,195
"Sheitanette for back home."
716
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:50,158
I wanted an exchange right away.
No such luck.
717
00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:52,911
There was just one other lady
giving birth.
718
00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:56,373
An Arab baby, but a redhead.
What would I do with that?
719
00:47:57,749 --> 00:48:02,963
I've spent the last 20 minutes telling you
how hard it is to be Arab in this society.
720
00:48:03,046 --> 00:48:07,968
And on top of that, he's a redhead?
Who's going to hire him? Who?
721
00:48:08,051 --> 00:48:10,470
Except the Riverdance troops.
722
00:48:11,847 --> 00:48:13,307
Arab and ginger!
723
00:48:13,390 --> 00:48:16,435
Even terrorists would go,
"Sorry, we're full."
724
00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:22,024
"Annie. Never come back here, Annie."
725
00:48:22,107 --> 00:48:24,735
"Go seek Jesus.
Jesus loves you, go see him."
726
00:48:27,195 --> 00:48:30,365
Seeing a woman give birth
commands respect, it's crazy.
727
00:48:30,449 --> 00:48:34,202
It should be the definition,
the picture in the dictionary,
728
00:48:34,286 --> 00:48:36,288
next to "resilience," "bravery."
729
00:48:36,371 --> 00:48:40,334
A woman, but captured right at that moment
with the coconut.
730
00:48:44,755 --> 00:48:47,049
If you're a man and you've seen that,
731
00:48:47,132 --> 00:48:52,679
if you were witness to a woman
going through all this pain,
732
00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:57,476
if you saw it, you've witnessed it,
and you still don't respect women,
733
00:48:57,559 --> 00:49:01,980
you're either a complete moron
or a Supreme Court Justice in the US.
734
00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:04,274
If not, you're not normal.
735
00:49:06,234 --> 00:49:07,152
Not normal.
736
00:49:12,741 --> 00:49:16,203
Montreal, my wife
went through all the symptoms.
737
00:49:16,286 --> 00:49:17,245
All of them!
738
00:49:17,329 --> 00:49:21,291
Three nausea-filled months.
As soon as we saw the shrimp inside her.
739
00:49:21,917 --> 00:49:23,752
Three months, non-stop.
740
00:49:23,835 --> 00:49:27,047
If I were nauseous for an hour,
I'd cancel my Netflix special.
741
00:49:27,130 --> 00:49:28,715
Three months! Every day.
742
00:49:28,799 --> 00:49:32,010
I was nauseous because of her nausea!
743
00:49:33,595 --> 00:49:37,391
She did it on purpose.
As soon as they started, "Hey, babe."
744
00:49:37,975 --> 00:49:39,351
"It's happening again."
745
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:47,693
"Oh fuck. Me too."
746
00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:54,866
We looked like a pair of seals.
747
00:50:04,042 --> 00:50:06,586
Neighbors threw sardines over. "Badouri!"
748
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:18,598
Seeing a woman give birth
commands respect.
749
00:50:19,266 --> 00:50:23,353
When I tell you you're superheroes,
it's not to pander to you, ladies.
750
00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:28,233
It's to tell you, you're not normal.
Superheroes aren't normal.
751
00:50:28,316 --> 00:50:31,445
It's not normal
that when you're handed your baby,
752
00:50:31,528 --> 00:50:33,739
you smile and cry tears of joy.
753
00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:35,866
Do you…
754
00:50:38,535 --> 00:50:40,954
How could you be so happy?
755
00:50:41,038 --> 00:50:42,664
I would have left it there.
756
00:50:45,834 --> 00:50:47,794
"I'm leaving for five years,
don't call me."
757
00:50:51,548 --> 00:50:55,135
How can you be so happy, ladies,
after giving birth?
758
00:50:55,719 --> 00:50:57,804
Crying tears of joy, euphoria.
759
00:50:57,888 --> 00:50:59,723
"Best day of my life."
760
00:50:59,806 --> 00:51:01,933
How?
761
00:51:02,642 --> 00:51:06,563
When you leave what looks like
a crime scene at the hospital.
762
00:51:06,646 --> 00:51:09,566
My wife's fluids were on the floor.
763
00:51:09,649 --> 00:51:12,235
Her radiator was leaking.
764
00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:16,239
She was shaking everywhere.
765
00:51:16,740 --> 00:51:18,200
She couldn't feel her legs.
766
00:51:18,283 --> 00:51:20,660
They stabbed her in the back
with the epidural.
767
00:51:20,744 --> 00:51:24,372
I think they hit the spine.
She went, "I can't stand."
768
00:51:27,501 --> 00:51:30,253
She looked like
a Wacky Inflatable Tube Guy
769
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:32,547
they use for a store opening.
770
00:51:40,597 --> 00:51:45,185
She was split open up to her butt crack.
771
00:51:51,858 --> 00:51:53,610
She was split open.
772
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:59,699
Even Moses would have been like, "Shit!"
773
00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:02,410
"We can't go through there."
774
00:52:06,832 --> 00:52:10,293
Hair stamped on her face,
drenched in sweat.
775
00:52:10,377 --> 00:52:12,420
She looked like Gollum holding the baby.
776
00:52:20,762 --> 00:52:22,806
"My precious!"
777
00:52:24,141 --> 00:52:25,684
She turns to me,
778
00:52:32,691 --> 00:52:34,985
"Give me another one, honey."
779
00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:49,833
I wanted to wait until the end
780
00:52:49,916 --> 00:52:52,752
to say you're the ideal crowd
for a Netflix special,
781
00:52:52,836 --> 00:52:55,422
but you are the ideal audience,
782
00:52:55,505 --> 00:52:56,882
so thank you very much!
783
00:53:14,024 --> 00:53:16,234
-We love you, Rachid!
-Thanks!
784
00:53:16,943 --> 00:53:18,278
That's so kind of you.
785
00:53:19,654 --> 00:53:21,364
That's kind. I love you, too.
786
00:53:23,116 --> 00:53:25,243
Even though you scared me a bit.
787
00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:28,079
"We love you, Rachid!"
788
00:53:28,705 --> 00:53:30,415
"You understand? Do you love me?"
789
00:53:30,498 --> 00:53:31,833
"Yes, love you too."
790
00:53:32,834 --> 00:53:34,419
He works at a shawarma shop.
791
00:53:36,671 --> 00:53:37,756
I love you!
792
00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:41,384
I love you too, brother. Thank you.
793
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:43,845
Nayla is nine years old now.
794
00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:45,597
Time flies. I'm scared.
795
00:53:46,306 --> 00:53:47,349
She's too pretty.
796
00:53:48,808 --> 00:53:50,727
You know? Too pretty.
797
00:53:50,810 --> 00:53:54,022
I knew it. I wanted her to look
frog-like, like me.
798
00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:59,110
She's the spitting image of her mom.
I don't want wolves near her.
799
00:53:59,736 --> 00:54:02,405
"I'll beat you up if you get near her."
800
00:54:03,740 --> 00:54:05,575
I don't want them near her.
801
00:54:07,244 --> 00:54:09,955
I'll rip your head off
if you call her babe.
802
00:54:11,665 --> 00:54:13,541
I don't want that guy near her.
803
00:54:18,755 --> 00:54:20,090
"Know what I'm saying, bro?"
804
00:54:20,715 --> 00:54:23,385
"It's all good in the hood."
805
00:54:23,885 --> 00:54:25,428
No. I don't mind this guy,
806
00:54:25,512 --> 00:54:26,763
"Hey, how are you?"
807
00:54:32,143 --> 00:54:34,980
"I'm here to help with your tax return."
"Sit down and eat!"
808
00:54:35,730 --> 00:54:37,023
Come, habibi, come!
809
00:54:40,485 --> 00:54:42,445
I signed my daughter up for MMA.
810
00:54:44,698 --> 00:54:46,366
It's kind of like…
811
00:54:46,950 --> 00:54:50,578
all the martial arts
combined under one goal,
812
00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:51,538
to kill you.
813
00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:55,917
Don't believe me? Firas is her coach.
814
00:54:56,418 --> 00:54:58,295
He's Georges St-Pierre's coach.
815
00:54:59,212 --> 00:55:00,797
My wife can't stand it.
816
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:03,091
"If you don't stop,
817
00:55:03,675 --> 00:55:07,512
she'll be single
until she's 35 because of you."
818
00:55:09,055 --> 00:55:10,974
"That's the whole point, dummy."
819
00:55:14,686 --> 00:55:16,730
I don't want anybody near her.
820
00:55:17,230 --> 00:55:18,231
"Hey, Nayla!"
821
00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:24,487
"I just wanted to borrow
a blue crayon to draw."
822
00:55:32,412 --> 00:55:33,705
No one near her.
823
00:55:34,456 --> 00:55:38,418
I know I sound a bit rough, but…
824
00:55:40,503 --> 00:55:43,631
Let's talk numbers. You'll understand.
825
00:55:44,215 --> 00:55:46,176
We're a family, I'll explain.
826
00:55:46,259 --> 00:55:51,348
I started my research on Google
around 2018 for this bit.
827
00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:55,769
I studied surveys and censuses
done by Statistics Canada.
828
00:55:56,269 --> 00:56:00,482
And I learned that in Canada
one woman per week,
829
00:56:00,565 --> 00:56:02,108
or every seven days,
830
00:56:02,192 --> 00:56:08,031
in this magnificent country, Canada,
was murdered by her spouse.
831
00:56:08,656 --> 00:56:11,076
I'm not talking about a slap, but murder.
832
00:56:11,159 --> 00:56:14,871
That's it, you're done.
One? That's too many.
833
00:56:14,954 --> 00:56:17,082
52 per year.
834
00:56:17,665 --> 00:56:21,795
Let's ask the parents of those 52 women
if they would have wanted them
835
00:56:22,420 --> 00:56:25,590
to defend themselves
against those maniacs.
836
00:56:25,673 --> 00:56:27,801
If you're judging me…
837
00:56:27,884 --> 00:56:30,720
I can see you staring like,
"Look at this guy."
838
00:56:32,138 --> 00:56:34,307
"He doesn't want to be called a terrorist
839
00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:37,894
yet he's making his daughter
a mujahideen."
840
00:56:37,977 --> 00:56:40,522
I know. But I'll take it further.
841
00:56:41,022 --> 00:56:46,319
If my daughter goes to jail
because she killed her abuser,
842
00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:51,116
I'll bring her favorite Pillsbury cookies
to jail every morning and I'll say,
843
00:56:51,199 --> 00:56:54,244
"Babe, have a snack
because you are the champion."
844
00:56:54,327 --> 00:56:56,538
And I head back home right after.
845
00:57:05,213 --> 00:57:06,506
Then, I calmed down.
846
00:57:07,340 --> 00:57:12,011
Emotions won't lead you anywhere.
I learned that the hard way.
847
00:57:12,595 --> 00:57:13,430
No.
848
00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:17,600
I had to relax because Nayla
849
00:57:18,643 --> 00:57:20,437
hates MMA.
850
00:57:21,980 --> 00:57:23,940
She wants to do ballet, damn it.
851
00:57:27,902 --> 00:57:28,903
But she's right.
852
00:57:29,487 --> 00:57:33,616
Why is it our daughter's responsibility
to learn how to defend themselves
853
00:57:33,700 --> 00:57:38,830
because the numbers tell us
that at some point in their lives,
854
00:57:38,913 --> 00:57:42,041
they'll be assaulted one way or another.
855
00:57:42,125 --> 00:57:44,627
Why should they learn how to fight,
856
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:51,050
when it's the men's responsibility
to teach future generations and to say,
857
00:57:51,134 --> 00:57:53,470
"Listen to me,
858
00:57:55,680 --> 00:57:59,017
there is zero tolerance
for assaulting a woman"?
859
00:57:59,100 --> 00:58:01,186
"If you get rejected after a date,
860
00:58:01,269 --> 00:58:05,315
you turn your heels, get in your car,
and jerk off. That's it."
861
00:58:13,990 --> 00:58:18,453
Sorry to those who brought their kids
and heard "jerk off," but believe me,
862
00:58:18,536 --> 00:58:20,788
they've heard a lot worse.
863
00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:26,377
Is it just me or are children born pure?
864
00:58:27,462 --> 00:58:28,296
Perfect.
865
00:58:28,796 --> 00:58:30,798
And we're the ones that, you know…
866
00:58:32,175 --> 00:58:34,594
Maybe it's just me.
867
00:58:34,677 --> 00:58:38,223
We, parents, society, social media,
we're driving them crazy.
868
00:58:38,806 --> 00:58:42,352
Children are born pure.
They may take a dump on the floor, but…
869
00:58:43,895 --> 00:58:46,689
Think about it, a baby isn't a homophobe.
870
00:58:47,315 --> 00:58:50,735
We're the ones that push these notions.
871
00:58:50,818 --> 00:58:52,570
Not us, but you know, adults.
872
00:58:52,654 --> 00:58:55,573
"Homophobe." It's a heavily loaded word.
873
00:58:55,657 --> 00:58:58,368
Phobia, scared. Of what?
That it's contagious.
874
00:58:58,451 --> 00:59:00,995
Like some idiots write on Facebook.
875
00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:03,081
Guys, please, just listen.
876
00:59:03,581 --> 00:59:06,709
We have to do something.
We talk about gun control.
877
00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:08,127
Sure. But before that.
878
00:59:08,211 --> 00:59:09,671
We have to clean house.
879
00:59:09,754 --> 00:59:12,715
We have to forbid internet access
880
00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:16,970
to some idiots who vomit misinformation
on social media,
881
00:59:17,053 --> 00:59:19,973
and who do more damage than a bullet.
882
00:59:20,056 --> 00:59:21,349
We got to stop that.
883
00:59:26,771 --> 00:59:28,314
Stop. Too many phobias!
884
00:59:28,398 --> 00:59:30,483
Some phobias don't even make sense!
885
00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:35,947
For instance, how can a Muslim man
who is a victim of Islamophobia,
886
00:59:36,030 --> 00:59:38,283
as a victim of hatred towards Muslims,
887
00:59:38,366 --> 00:59:44,080
how can he wake up one morning and feel
that same hatred towards a gay person?
888
00:59:44,163 --> 00:59:48,042
And how can a gay person be Islamophobic
with the hate he suffers?
889
00:59:48,126 --> 00:59:50,044
You guys should get it.
890
00:59:50,128 --> 00:59:53,881
Unfortunately, some folks
hate you because of those differences.
891
00:59:53,965 --> 00:59:55,258
Talk it out, dammit.
892
00:59:55,341 --> 00:59:58,553
You, because you eat halal.
You, because you eat Hal.
893
00:59:58,636 --> 00:59:59,470
Hash it out!
894
01:00:03,141 --> 01:00:04,058
Talk about it.
895
01:00:05,476 --> 01:00:07,020
You have a lot in common.
896
01:00:13,067 --> 01:00:14,736
Kids aren't scared of death.
897
01:00:15,612 --> 01:00:18,489
Unlike me.
They don't see death the same way.
898
01:00:18,573 --> 01:00:21,993
I have to tell you about the time
I thought I was dying.
899
01:00:22,076 --> 01:00:23,453
In my mind, I was dead.
900
01:00:23,536 --> 01:00:27,582
Between the ages of 39 and 40,
I got very sick.
901
01:00:27,665 --> 01:00:31,711
I had to travel two to four times
902
01:00:31,794 --> 01:00:34,464
from Quebec to Europe for shows.
903
01:00:34,964 --> 01:00:35,965
I told myself,
904
01:00:36,049 --> 01:00:39,218
"I'll return in October for two weeks
to celebrate my 40th."
905
01:00:39,302 --> 01:00:44,307
Then leave again to play
36 shows in 41 days before Christmas.
906
01:00:44,390 --> 01:00:45,808
I didn't make it.
907
01:00:45,892 --> 01:00:48,978
When I got here in October
for my birthday,
908
01:00:49,062 --> 01:00:50,897
I fell very ill.
909
01:00:50,980 --> 01:00:53,691
My wife drove
from the airport to the hospital.
910
01:00:53,775 --> 01:00:56,444
My legs were swollen, and so was my body.
911
01:00:56,527 --> 01:01:00,698
I looked like Georges St-Pierre's ear.
It was nuts.
912
01:01:02,158 --> 01:01:03,951
I did tests and the doctor said,
913
01:01:04,035 --> 01:01:07,455
"It's worse than expected,
you have cellulitis in your leg."
914
01:01:08,206 --> 01:01:09,374
"Bro, cellulite?"
915
01:01:09,874 --> 01:01:12,418
"My sisters didn't die from cellulite."
916
01:01:15,463 --> 01:01:17,674
He didn't think it was funny. He said,
917
01:01:18,966 --> 01:01:23,805
"We have to keep you here for four days
for the IV to stop the infection."
918
01:01:23,888 --> 01:01:25,014
"It's dangerous."
919
01:01:25,098 --> 01:01:27,934
"It's from the same family
as the flesh-eating bacteria."
920
01:01:28,017 --> 01:01:30,186
I was freaking out. Let's do it.
921
01:01:30,269 --> 01:01:32,980
After four days, I said,
"It's my birthday."
922
01:01:33,064 --> 01:01:37,276
"I'm not celebrating here.
I didn't grind my entire life for this."
923
01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:39,946
"Where are you going in that state?"
924
01:01:40,029 --> 01:01:43,199
Why would he say that?
I was close to being paralyzed.
925
01:01:43,282 --> 01:01:49,038
I was so swollen that if someone
were to hit me, I'd crumble and die.
926
01:01:49,122 --> 01:01:51,332
I had this partial paralysis
927
01:01:51,416 --> 01:01:55,169
where I couldn't bend my back,
my arms, and legs.
928
01:01:55,253 --> 01:01:56,671
I couldn't wash myself.
929
01:01:57,630 --> 01:01:59,132
My wife would wash me.
930
01:01:59,966 --> 01:02:00,842
Here.
931
01:02:02,719 --> 01:02:03,553
Hey!
932
01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:07,890
Don't ever let your wife
wash you down there.
933
01:02:08,516 --> 01:02:10,977
She'll throw it in your face
934
01:02:11,602 --> 01:02:13,187
for 14 years!
935
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:17,567
I'm chilling, watching Netflix,
everything is dandy.
936
01:02:17,650 --> 01:02:20,236
She goes, "Guests are coming,
we need milk."
937
01:02:20,319 --> 01:02:21,821
"I don't feel like it."
938
01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:23,531
"What?"
939
01:02:26,242 --> 01:02:27,869
"Hey, look at me."
940
01:02:27,952 --> 01:02:29,537
"You don't feel like it?"
941
01:02:30,830 --> 01:02:34,208
"You think I felt like
washing your balls?"
942
01:02:35,543 --> 01:02:37,378
"Listen here. I still did it."
943
01:02:38,629 --> 01:02:41,382
"I did it.
I held those old figs of yours."
944
01:02:42,175 --> 01:02:43,551
"Look at me! I did it."
945
01:02:45,136 --> 01:02:46,888
"I'll go get the milk."
946
01:02:51,476 --> 01:02:55,146
I started feeling better.
I cancelled my 36 shows.
947
01:02:55,229 --> 01:02:59,108
I was in stable condition.
I canceled the 36 shows in Europe.
948
01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:01,194
Thank God I had insurance.
949
01:03:01,277 --> 01:03:03,529
With no insurance, you go broke.
950
01:03:04,030 --> 01:03:06,824
But they call to say
they're not going to pay.
951
01:03:07,700 --> 01:03:10,369
"I don't get it,
I'll kick you in the throat."
952
01:03:10,995 --> 01:03:13,915
"We don't believe
you're sick enough to cancel."
953
01:03:16,709 --> 01:03:17,877
"I am sick!"
954
01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:20,463
"We believe you."
"Doesn't feel that way."
955
01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:22,757
"If that was true, you'd send me money."
956
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:25,301
"We'll send you back to get more tests."
957
01:03:25,384 --> 01:03:26,719
I get more tests.
958
01:03:27,220 --> 01:03:30,473
Why are doctors obsessed with holes?
Is it a golf thing?
959
01:03:30,556 --> 01:03:35,102
When they see a hole, they're like,
"Let's see if we can stick something there
960
01:03:35,603 --> 01:03:38,314
and pull it out from the other side."
961
01:03:41,150 --> 01:03:43,444
I did tests. Everything looked fine.
962
01:03:43,528 --> 01:03:49,200
Until they showed me the black spots
on my lungs from the X-rays.
963
01:03:49,700 --> 01:03:51,494
"Is that cancer?"
964
01:03:51,577 --> 01:03:53,663
"We need to scan it."
"Okay."
965
01:03:53,746 --> 01:03:58,000
So they injected iodine into my veins
and passed me through the machine.
966
01:03:58,584 --> 01:04:01,879
That's how I learned…
967
01:04:03,965 --> 01:04:04,799
that
968
01:04:05,299 --> 01:04:06,759
I'm allergic to iodine.
969
01:04:12,223 --> 01:04:14,225
I was the one who figured it out.
970
01:04:15,017 --> 01:04:17,770
I was just chilling in the bobsled.
971
01:04:18,437 --> 01:04:22,358
This entire region starting to swell
for seemingly no reason.
972
01:04:33,744 --> 01:04:35,997
"He's gonna pop. Let's get him out."
973
01:04:37,456 --> 01:04:41,460
After an hour of Benadryl,
they came back with the results.
974
01:04:41,544 --> 01:04:44,797
The black spots are still there.
975
01:04:44,881 --> 01:04:46,465
"Excuse me, is it cancer?"
976
01:04:46,549 --> 01:04:48,509
"Can't say."
"Can't?"
977
01:04:49,802 --> 01:04:52,388
"Could you ask AskGPT, maybe?"
978
01:04:53,347 --> 01:04:56,767
"What's wrong with me?
Shoot me straight, how bad is it?"
979
01:04:56,851 --> 01:05:00,187
"I'm certain these black spots
mean death."
980
01:05:00,271 --> 01:05:04,066
"Black spots on my bananas at home,
means they have three days left."
981
01:05:08,321 --> 01:05:11,157
"Calm down!
You're going to need a bronchoscopy."
982
01:05:11,240 --> 01:05:13,910
"What do dinosaurs have to do with this?"
983
01:05:15,369 --> 01:05:18,205
He gets me ready for the bronchoscopy.
984
01:05:18,289 --> 01:05:20,625
They just put some lube in your throat.
985
01:05:20,708 --> 01:05:23,669
But it looks like,
in my records, it was written,
986
01:05:23,753 --> 01:05:29,216
"Warning, hypochondriac, risk of a lawsuit
against the doctors and the hospital."
987
01:05:29,300 --> 01:05:30,468
"Knock him out."
988
01:05:32,053 --> 01:05:36,807
It was just to relax me,
so they could've stopped after one drug.
989
01:05:37,475 --> 01:05:39,518
Nope, two drugs.
990
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:42,021
Versed and Fentanyl.
991
01:05:52,239 --> 01:05:55,409
I've never had drugs in my entire life.
992
01:05:55,493 --> 01:05:57,453
Not even a joint or a line of coke.
993
01:05:57,536 --> 01:05:59,830
I don't care if you don't believe me,
994
01:05:59,914 --> 01:06:04,377
but these guys didn't know
how much of a virgin I was.
995
01:06:06,295 --> 01:06:08,005
They had no way to know.
996
01:06:08,089 --> 01:06:11,676
Because they shot me up
with the same drug cocktail
997
01:06:11,759 --> 01:06:16,013
they would have offered
Amy Winehouse at happy hour.
998
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:19,892
It hit my bloodstream, and I was like…
999
01:06:31,153 --> 01:06:32,279
"Everything okay?"
1000
01:06:46,502 --> 01:06:48,504
I was like this before it started.
1001
01:06:51,841 --> 01:06:52,842
Want to know why?
1002
01:06:53,676 --> 01:06:56,012
I was imagining I had hair.
1003
01:06:57,930 --> 01:06:59,390
It was amazing.
1004
01:07:08,315 --> 01:07:09,900
I made myself a ponytail.
1005
01:07:13,821 --> 01:07:15,489
Right before it began,
1006
01:07:15,990 --> 01:07:20,161
I held my wife's hand tightly,
and I looked at her,
1007
01:07:20,995 --> 01:07:22,079
and said, "Babe…
1008
01:07:24,790 --> 01:07:26,625
I'm so stoned."
1009
01:07:40,931 --> 01:07:42,099
"Doesn't it feel…"
1010
01:07:49,356 --> 01:07:51,400
"Doesn't it feel like sweater weather?"
1011
01:07:54,278 --> 01:07:55,613
"You're so beautiful,
1012
01:07:56,405 --> 01:07:57,740
my wife."
1013
01:07:58,324 --> 01:07:59,867
"Sexy wife of mine."
1014
01:08:04,246 --> 01:08:06,207
"Doesn't it feel like sweater weather?"
1015
01:08:07,708 --> 01:08:10,586
She tells me,
"It does, but I'm not your wife."
1016
01:08:18,052 --> 01:08:22,389
A bronchoscopy and a biopsy
to see if it was cancer or not.
1017
01:08:22,473 --> 01:08:24,308
I vomit blood for hours on end.
1018
01:08:24,391 --> 01:08:27,394
I'm waiting for the results
to see if it's cancer
1019
01:08:27,478 --> 01:08:30,147
between December 22nd
and December 31st of that year.
1020
01:08:30,231 --> 01:08:33,150
Happy Holidays
1021
01:08:33,234 --> 01:08:34,068
It was nuts.
1022
01:08:34,151 --> 01:08:35,986
Then, on the 31st.
1023
01:08:36,487 --> 01:08:39,365
I'll always remember, it was 1:22.
1024
01:08:40,449 --> 01:08:42,451
"Badouri, cancer-free."
1025
01:08:42,535 --> 01:08:44,787
Oh God, the relief.
1026
01:08:45,287 --> 01:08:47,373
"We're in the clear."
1027
01:08:48,999 --> 01:08:51,252
"What are the black spots? What's up?"
1028
01:08:51,335 --> 01:08:54,713
"How do we cure it? Is it for life?
What's my medicine?"
1029
01:08:54,797 --> 01:08:58,676
"Well, that's why I took my time
reviewing with my colleagues."
1030
01:08:58,759 --> 01:09:02,138
"We have top-of-the-line scanners
at the hospital."
1031
01:09:03,347 --> 01:09:04,473
"You have nothing."
1032
01:09:09,854 --> 01:09:12,523
"What?"
"Happy New Year!" He hung up.
1033
01:09:16,652 --> 01:09:17,570
"Nothing?"
1034
01:09:17,653 --> 01:09:18,863
My wife goes,
1035
01:09:18,946 --> 01:09:21,866
"So? What did he say?"
"I don't have cancer."
1036
01:09:21,949 --> 01:09:23,784
"That's great!"
"No, it isn't!"
1037
01:09:27,454 --> 01:09:30,082
"They filled all my holes as if I were
1038
01:09:31,250 --> 01:09:33,043
an open house at college."
1039
01:09:36,046 --> 01:09:38,632
"They used my throat like a porn star."
1040
01:09:40,217 --> 01:09:43,512
"Got me stoned like I was one
of Bill Cosby's dates."
1041
01:09:45,764 --> 01:09:46,640
"All that to…
1042
01:09:48,934 --> 01:09:51,729
tell me that I have nothing?
I feel violated."
1043
01:09:51,812 --> 01:09:53,272
She goes, "Hey!
1044
01:09:55,566 --> 01:09:58,194
"I washed your balls
for absolutely nothing."
1045
01:09:58,694 --> 01:10:02,448
"I'm the victim here,
so go get that milk and shut your mouth!"
1046
01:10:05,826 --> 01:10:06,702
"Okay."
1047
01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:13,667
I don't know if you've ever had
a fear of dying. I had.
1048
01:10:13,751 --> 01:10:16,420
I was getting skinnier by the second.
1049
01:10:16,503 --> 01:10:20,382
I wasn't sleeping in my room,
I'd sleep in a corner of my condo,
1050
01:10:20,466 --> 01:10:21,592
motionless.
1051
01:10:21,675 --> 01:10:24,011
I stopped talking, my friends freaked.
1052
01:10:24,094 --> 01:10:27,932
They'd call me, "You okay?"
"I'll die tomorrow. Stop calling."
1053
01:10:29,308 --> 01:10:35,022
They brought strange Christmas gifts.
Eggs, avocados, milk,
1054
01:10:35,522 --> 01:10:38,192
things that would expire before I die
so I'd enjoy them.
1055
01:10:42,905 --> 01:10:46,033
I said to my wife,
"My time hasn't come yet."
1056
01:10:46,116 --> 01:10:50,079
I was sure I was about to die.
My wife has an unbelievable gift.
1057
01:10:50,621 --> 01:10:52,998
My wife can take all my money.
1058
01:10:53,082 --> 01:10:56,335
I'm just kidding.
I was checking if you were listening.
1059
01:10:58,170 --> 01:11:02,466
When you're down,
she can help you get back on your horse
1060
01:11:02,549 --> 01:11:05,844
and help you charge into war,
but that's not what she did.
1061
01:11:05,928 --> 01:11:10,349
She came when I was at my lowest.
1062
01:11:11,141 --> 01:11:15,896
She said, "You want to hear something
from me to ease your conscience,
1063
01:11:16,522 --> 01:11:17,773
but I won't do that."
1064
01:11:19,858 --> 01:11:21,652
"I've known you for a long time."
1065
01:11:22,152 --> 01:11:26,532
"It's the first time I've seen Rachid
getting attention from Rachid."
1066
01:11:27,241 --> 01:11:28,075
"Hash it out."
1067
01:11:29,285 --> 01:11:32,204
"And hopefully, you'll take a moment
1068
01:11:32,746 --> 01:11:36,500
to think,
and stop treating those around you
1069
01:11:37,876 --> 01:11:39,295
like a real asshole."
1070
01:11:44,091 --> 01:11:46,760
A "get well soon" card from Jean Coutu
1071
01:11:47,761 --> 01:11:50,180
is $2.78 and it comes with the envelope.
1072
01:11:51,849 --> 01:11:56,353
To understand why my gentle and
compassionate wife would say such a thing,
1073
01:11:56,437 --> 01:12:01,025
I have to pause this for a second
and come back to it in a moment.
1074
01:12:01,525 --> 01:12:04,445
Since the first time you heard about me,
1075
01:12:04,528 --> 01:12:08,324
you've been lied to about
the true nature of Rachid Badouri.
1076
01:12:08,407 --> 01:12:11,410
I rose to stardom way too quickly.
1077
01:12:11,493 --> 01:12:14,788
To quote some of Quebec's journalists,
1078
01:12:14,872 --> 01:12:16,999
"Lightning Speed Success."
1079
01:12:17,082 --> 01:12:21,795
It was impossible for a spoiled brat
like me to not let any of it affect me.
1080
01:12:21,879 --> 01:12:24,923
I quickly became
what is known as a "diva."
1081
01:12:25,007 --> 01:12:27,468
But, Montreal, I knew what a diva was.
1082
01:12:27,551 --> 01:12:32,598
Because what you don't know is when I was
24 hours old, at the Sacré-Coeur hospital,
1083
01:12:32,681 --> 01:12:36,018
my mom held me in her arms,
she was holding me tight.
1084
01:12:36,101 --> 01:12:38,896
A woman walked in from nowhere, and said,
1085
01:12:39,396 --> 01:12:42,941
"I'm sorry to bother you,
I'm a fortune-teller."
1086
01:12:43,025 --> 01:12:46,904
My mother didn't know what that was.
She went, "Ah, of course."
1087
01:12:47,404 --> 01:12:50,115
"I'm fortunate to see you,
you're fortunate to see me."
1088
01:12:52,951 --> 01:12:57,081
"Now, get out of my face before
you end up not so fortunate."
1089
01:12:57,581 --> 01:13:00,584
"Understood? Get out of here, skank."
1090
01:13:01,752 --> 01:13:02,920
"You don't get it."
1091
01:13:03,003 --> 01:13:06,465
"I wouldn't dare bother you
in such a precious moment."
1092
01:13:06,548 --> 01:13:11,220
"But I came here to see a friend
that's giving birth, and I felt an aura."
1093
01:13:11,303 --> 01:13:13,639
"I felt a strong aura in this room."
1094
01:13:13,722 --> 01:13:16,266
"Your son was born under a lucky star."
1095
01:13:16,350 --> 01:13:18,060
"He's going to be a star."
1096
01:13:18,143 --> 01:13:21,355
My mother never let that go.
1097
01:13:21,438 --> 01:13:23,899
"You're going to be a star. A superstar."
1098
01:13:23,982 --> 01:13:26,485
"People are going to laugh at your jokes."
1099
01:13:26,568 --> 01:13:28,904
For the first 27 years of my life,
1100
01:13:30,406 --> 01:13:31,365
I wasn't a star.
1101
01:13:32,199 --> 01:13:34,326
I lived at my parent's place.
1102
01:13:34,410 --> 01:13:38,414
I moved back in twice
with my tail between my legs.
1103
01:13:38,497 --> 01:13:41,625
I lived in the basement.
I owed my dad $10,000.
1104
01:13:41,708 --> 01:13:43,961
He doesn't know or I'd be dead.
1105
01:13:44,044 --> 01:13:46,171
I worked at Best Buy.
1106
01:13:46,922 --> 01:13:49,133
I'm the audio department manager.
1107
01:13:49,216 --> 01:13:52,594
I had two employees
and still had a burnout.
1108
01:13:53,220 --> 01:13:54,930
There are no stars around me.
1109
01:13:55,013 --> 01:13:58,058
It's the pit of despair.
1110
01:13:58,142 --> 01:13:59,309
There are no stars.
1111
01:13:59,393 --> 01:14:03,730
The word star was absent of my life,
except in the word starving.
1112
01:14:05,941 --> 01:14:08,152
My life was miserable.
1113
01:14:08,235 --> 01:14:11,155
I was an inch away from depression.
1114
01:14:11,238 --> 01:14:14,741
Right before I hit that point,
I told myself, "One last try."
1115
01:14:14,825 --> 01:14:19,204
"My entire life I've been told
that I can entertain anybody."
1116
01:14:19,288 --> 01:14:21,832
"Let me try to anchor my boat
one last time,
1117
01:14:21,915 --> 01:14:26,587
and if all else fails,
I'll dive head first into depression."
1118
01:14:26,670 --> 01:14:28,380
I made a DVD.
1119
01:14:28,464 --> 01:14:34,052
On it was a homemade compilation
of all the times my DJ had filmed me
1120
01:14:34,136 --> 01:14:37,014
during weddings we would host
for extra cash.
1121
01:14:37,097 --> 01:14:39,725
Nonsense I used to make people laugh.
1122
01:14:39,808 --> 01:14:42,352
I made 100 copies of it on DVD.
1123
01:14:42,436 --> 01:14:46,440
I carried them with me in my car
which would blow blue smoke.
1124
01:14:46,523 --> 01:14:48,275
They called me Arabian Smurf.
1125
01:14:49,568 --> 01:14:54,948
I gave one
to every production house in Montreal,
1126
01:14:55,032 --> 01:14:58,535
TV channels like TVA and CBC.
1127
01:14:58,619 --> 01:15:01,622
I even gave one to the weather channel.
1128
01:15:03,665 --> 01:15:06,793
I was ready to do anything
to reach the top.
1129
01:15:06,877 --> 01:15:08,378
Except porn.
1130
01:15:08,921 --> 01:15:10,797
They already said no. And then…
1131
01:15:13,133 --> 01:15:14,343
no callbacks.
1132
01:15:14,426 --> 01:15:15,260
100 copies.
1133
01:15:15,761 --> 01:15:18,514
Not one single callback.
I was freaking out.
1134
01:15:18,597 --> 01:15:22,476
I was at Best Buy going,
"I'm ready, depression. Take me."
1135
01:15:23,352 --> 01:15:27,856
I imagined it showing up in
the Best Buy parking lot in a convertible.
1136
01:15:27,940 --> 01:15:29,024
"Rachid!"
1137
01:15:29,858 --> 01:15:31,610
"It's your girl, Depresh!"
1138
01:15:32,152 --> 01:15:33,695
"Depression!"
1139
01:15:35,239 --> 01:15:38,075
Right as I was about to kiss her,
my phone rings.
1140
01:15:38,158 --> 01:15:41,662
Best Buy employees aren't supposed
to answer, but I didn't care.
1141
01:15:43,247 --> 01:15:45,457
I answer like I'm depressed, "Hello!"
1142
01:15:46,667 --> 01:15:49,753
"I'm with the Just For Laughs Festival."
"Excuse me?"
1143
01:15:49,836 --> 01:15:52,589
"I'd like to give you an audition."
1144
01:15:52,673 --> 01:15:57,761
"If it works out, we could give you a spot
on one of those galas you see on TV."
1145
01:15:57,844 --> 01:16:02,683
"Get a quick 10 minutes ready
and bring some friends to support you."
1146
01:16:05,435 --> 01:16:06,520
I call my father,
1147
01:16:07,312 --> 01:16:08,355
"Dad?"
"Yes?"
1148
01:16:12,359 --> 01:16:14,528
"Depression, and then…"
1149
01:16:22,035 --> 01:16:23,120
"Sort of…"
1150
01:16:24,037 --> 01:16:27,207
"Your dumbass son is having a seizure,
call an ambulance."
1151
01:16:29,293 --> 01:16:32,129
DADDY BADOURI
1152
01:16:32,212 --> 01:16:34,214
"Why didn't we just get
1153
01:16:35,257 --> 01:16:38,051
an abortion with this one?
It's legal here."
1154
01:16:39,219 --> 01:16:41,388
"What a waste of money, this one."
1155
01:16:41,888 --> 01:16:42,764
"Dad!"
"Yes?"
1156
01:16:42,848 --> 01:16:46,852
"I must prepare a 10-minute set,
and I can bring people for support."
1157
01:16:46,935 --> 01:16:48,645
I swear, this was his answer,
1158
01:16:49,187 --> 01:16:51,481
"Son, you get your set ready,
1159
01:16:52,024 --> 01:16:54,276
I'll get the army ready." He hangs up.
1160
01:16:54,359 --> 01:16:58,363
You're laughing, but I didn't get it.
It made sense when I got there.
1161
01:16:59,239 --> 01:17:03,702
I arrived at the theater, 200 people.
I'm peeking through the curtains.
1162
01:17:03,785 --> 01:17:05,746
It was my first show.
1163
01:17:05,829 --> 01:17:08,707
I could easily single out
1164
01:17:09,207 --> 01:17:14,296
sixty-four people from my neighborhood,
Chomedey, Laval.
1165
01:17:15,255 --> 01:17:17,424
Everyone was there.
1166
01:17:18,091 --> 01:17:19,009
Everyone.
1167
01:17:21,219 --> 01:17:23,055
When I say everyone, I mean it.
1168
01:17:24,097 --> 01:17:26,016
Even the mailman was there.
1169
01:17:28,352 --> 01:17:33,899
My father is seating the guests.
"Your laugh is deep, sit in the front."
1170
01:17:34,650 --> 01:17:36,818
"You stink, stay in your car."
1171
01:17:40,989 --> 01:17:42,866
Thank God we didn't get caught.
1172
01:17:42,949 --> 01:17:47,537
I do well on stage,
and one of the Rozon sisters,
1173
01:17:47,621 --> 01:17:51,416
who organized the festival,
comes to me with her card and goes,
1174
01:17:51,500 --> 01:17:54,795
"What time are you free tomorrow?"
I said, "2:00."
1175
01:17:54,878 --> 01:17:57,214
"Call me at 2:00 p.m. tomorrow."
1176
01:17:57,881 --> 01:18:00,842
The next day at 2:00, sitting at my desk,
1177
01:18:01,885 --> 01:18:03,470
my mom's kitchen, really,
1178
01:18:06,014 --> 01:18:10,352
I take the landline,
you know the ones with the cord.
1179
01:18:10,435 --> 01:18:13,647
We were spoiled, we had the long cord
to get away from your parents.
1180
01:18:13,730 --> 01:18:16,149
"Can you pick me up at 9:00 at the park?"
1181
01:18:16,650 --> 01:18:18,235
You'd wrap yourself in it.
1182
01:18:20,070 --> 01:18:21,863
I still have one.
1183
01:18:21,947 --> 01:18:24,950
Everyone should have one.
You want to know why?
1184
01:18:25,450 --> 01:18:28,995
To call your cellphone
when you can't find it in your home.
1185
01:18:32,374 --> 01:18:35,460
My mom leaves the room to give me privacy.
1186
01:18:35,544 --> 01:18:38,755
"Ms. Rozon?"
"Rachid, congratulations on yesterday."
1187
01:18:38,839 --> 01:18:40,048
And right there,
1188
01:18:40,132 --> 01:18:43,844
"Do you have plans
on the 12th, the 13th and 14th of July?"
1189
01:18:48,598 --> 01:18:51,226
"I was planning on killing myself, but…
1190
01:18:52,477 --> 01:18:55,689
I could postpone until October,
better scenery with the dead leaves."
1191
01:18:56,732 --> 01:18:59,025
She says, "Come and sign your contract."
1192
01:18:59,526 --> 01:19:04,030
"You're on the biggest gala this year
hosted by Louis-José Houde."
1193
01:19:04,114 --> 01:19:05,157
I heard this.
1194
01:19:06,533 --> 01:19:10,287
"Ms. Rozon, is everything all right?
Did you fall?"
1195
01:19:10,370 --> 01:19:12,748
"That was on your end."
"That can't…"
1196
01:19:16,334 --> 01:19:17,836
"Can I have a moment?"
1197
01:19:19,671 --> 01:19:22,507
I open my mother's bedroom door.
1198
01:19:24,050 --> 01:19:25,510
My mother was kneeling.
1199
01:19:26,470 --> 01:19:29,765
She was there, and yet, she wasn't really.
1200
01:19:32,225 --> 01:19:33,977
She was listening in.
1201
01:19:48,074 --> 01:19:51,077
She had type-1 diabetes,
the one with the needles.
1202
01:19:51,161 --> 01:19:55,040
Whenever there was a big wave of emotion,
sugar would leak out.
1203
01:19:55,123 --> 01:19:59,503
"I'm the one who fell
like a nut job, Mrs. Zonzon, thank you."
1204
01:20:00,754 --> 01:20:04,299
"Thank you once again.
Go get me a Kit Kat. Hurry."
1205
01:20:05,467 --> 01:20:08,136
"Thank you for giving
my dumbass son a chance."
1206
01:20:09,721 --> 01:20:11,515
"I'm so grateful, Ms. Zonzon."
1207
01:20:11,598 --> 01:20:15,143
"Now, he can finally leave the house,
you understand?"
1208
01:20:17,020 --> 01:20:19,689
"Costco is expensive. Thank you so much."
1209
01:20:20,273 --> 01:20:21,107
"Thank you."
1210
01:20:22,734 --> 01:20:26,404
July 12th, 2005.
That's my special date, Montreal.
1211
01:20:27,072 --> 01:20:28,824
You have one, that's mine.
1212
01:20:28,907 --> 01:20:30,909
There were other amazing dates.
1213
01:20:30,992 --> 01:20:33,703
The days my daughters were born,
my wedding.
1214
01:20:33,787 --> 01:20:36,540
But that one, that's my date.
1215
01:20:36,623 --> 01:20:39,709
I'm at the Saint-Denis 1 theater,
2,300 people.
1216
01:20:39,793 --> 01:20:42,170
They could've been 6,000
on each other's knees.
1217
01:20:42,254 --> 01:20:44,840
It was Louis-José Houde.
I was hidden behind the curtain.
1218
01:20:44,923 --> 01:20:48,426
When the stage opens, I'm the only
comedian to walk in from the middle.
1219
01:20:48,510 --> 01:20:52,430
That's what Joseph St-Gelais,
the stage director, wanted.
1220
01:20:52,514 --> 01:20:54,307
"You're the only one."
1221
01:20:54,891 --> 01:20:58,353
"Everyone comes in from the sides
but you, like a tiger."
1222
01:20:58,436 --> 01:20:59,271
"Right…"
1223
01:21:01,731 --> 01:21:03,358
"A tiger."
1224
01:21:04,568 --> 01:21:07,821
My first show in front of 2,000 people.
I was nervous.
1225
01:21:07,904 --> 01:21:12,784
My heart was going bonkers,
the only thing that was keeping me sane
1226
01:21:13,577 --> 01:21:16,997
was hearing my idol,
Louis-José Houde, introducing me.
1227
01:21:20,917 --> 01:21:22,168
"This next comedian…"
1228
01:21:25,130 --> 01:21:26,131
"Thank you."
1229
01:21:28,300 --> 01:21:29,134
"Thank you."
1230
01:21:31,511 --> 01:21:33,430
"This next comedian is amazing."
1231
01:21:34,848 --> 01:21:36,141
"You don't know him."
1232
01:21:37,392 --> 01:21:39,311
"That won't be the case for long."
1233
01:21:39,978 --> 01:21:44,024
"I'm happy to be here
because this guy will soon be famous."
1234
01:21:44,941 --> 01:21:49,487
"They say that he's a breath of fresh air,
I'd say he's a storm of fresh air."
1235
01:21:50,113 --> 01:21:52,741
"Ladies and gentlemen, Rachid Badouri!"
1236
01:21:52,824 --> 01:21:53,950
The wall opened up.
1237
01:21:54,743 --> 01:21:56,786
2,000 people were staring at me.
1238
01:21:56,870 --> 01:21:58,455
And I blanked.
1239
01:22:02,584 --> 01:22:03,877
"Oh shit…"
1240
01:22:04,502 --> 01:22:07,088
"Get your head in the game!"
1241
01:22:07,672 --> 01:22:10,425
"Wake up,
just make something up, you idiot."
1242
01:22:16,723 --> 01:22:18,308
"I'm of Arabic origin."
1243
01:22:24,022 --> 01:22:26,149
"That's how you start a show!"
1244
01:22:27,359 --> 01:22:29,277
Then, it's chaos.
1245
01:22:29,945 --> 01:22:31,988
Things were moving too fast.
1246
01:22:32,572 --> 01:22:34,699
Seven minutes later, a standing ovation.
1247
01:22:34,783 --> 01:22:37,619
Two weeks after, Newcomer of the Year
award at Just for Laughs.
1248
01:22:37,702 --> 01:22:40,288
Three months later, same award
at the Gala Les Olivier.
1249
01:22:40,372 --> 01:22:44,834
I had one successful show in Quebec,
another one for Francophones worldwide.
1250
01:22:44,918 --> 01:22:46,878
I starred in a movie, a TV show.
1251
01:22:46,962 --> 01:22:50,674
In 2010, the Journal de Montreal named me
Quebec's favorite comedian.
1252
01:22:50,757 --> 01:22:52,550
My ego started getting bigger.
1253
01:22:53,093 --> 01:22:54,052
And my asshole…
1254
01:22:59,599 --> 01:23:01,309
I became a double asshole.
1255
01:23:02,268 --> 01:23:04,270
A braggart and a tantrum thrower.
1256
01:23:06,064 --> 01:23:10,151
Oh yeah. Whenever things didn't go
to plan, whenever I lost control,
1257
01:23:10,235 --> 01:23:13,321
whenever we made a last-minute adjustment,
I lost it.
1258
01:23:13,405 --> 01:23:14,656
Whenever anxiety…
1259
01:23:14,739 --> 01:23:18,326
"Anxiety," I couldn't even spell that word
five years earlier.
1260
01:23:18,410 --> 01:23:21,705
When the anxiety kicked in, I lost it.
1261
01:23:21,788 --> 01:23:25,583
And nobody could calm me down.
They called me the unmanageable.
1262
01:23:25,667 --> 01:23:28,920
Everyone wants to be
TikTok famous, Instagram famous,
1263
01:23:29,004 --> 01:23:31,214
but be careful with fame.
1264
01:23:31,715 --> 01:23:34,759
It'll catch up to you, it's dangerous.
1265
01:23:34,843 --> 01:23:36,761
Not long after being discovered,
1266
01:23:37,262 --> 01:23:41,141
I'll always remember
that very dark evening in November 2010.
1267
01:23:41,224 --> 01:23:44,310
I'm in a room about this size in Montreal.
1268
01:23:44,394 --> 01:23:45,520
A packed room.
1269
01:23:45,603 --> 01:23:49,357
I'm hosting a sort of live show
called May Contain Rachids.
1270
01:23:49,441 --> 01:23:50,942
Maybe that rings a bell.
1271
01:23:51,026 --> 01:23:53,695
A big-budget show, I couldn't mess it up.
1272
01:23:53,778 --> 01:23:57,323
So it begins.
The director goes, "You're live, Rachid."
1273
01:23:57,407 --> 01:24:00,869
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to May Contain Rachids…"
1274
01:24:00,952 --> 01:24:02,537
"Cut!"
"Just one moment."
1275
01:24:02,620 --> 01:24:04,622
"Yeah?"
"We can't hear your mic."
1276
01:24:04,706 --> 01:24:08,543
"The audience hears me…"
"Not here. Give us a moment. Take two."
1277
01:24:09,961 --> 01:24:10,795
"Apologies."
1278
01:24:11,880 --> 01:24:13,590
"Good evening, ladies--"
"Cut!"
1279
01:24:13,673 --> 01:24:14,549
"Jesus…"
1280
01:24:17,010 --> 01:24:19,512
"What's going on?"
"Microphone, take three."
1281
01:24:19,596 --> 01:24:21,598
"Microphone take four, take five."
1282
01:24:23,516 --> 01:24:25,143
"Microphone take 11."
1283
01:24:29,564 --> 01:24:30,982
El trou de culo…
1284
01:24:33,026 --> 01:24:34,235
was upseto.
1285
01:24:35,820 --> 01:24:37,864
It wanted to snap.
1286
01:24:37,947 --> 01:24:40,075
But I couldn't let it.
1287
01:24:40,575 --> 01:24:43,495
They're the only ones
who still think I'm perfect.
1288
01:24:43,578 --> 01:24:46,289
I can't lose it in front of them.
1289
01:24:46,372 --> 01:24:48,374
My asshole has to remain hidden.
1290
01:24:48,875 --> 01:24:51,086
That's why I cover it with my pants.
1291
01:24:51,169 --> 01:24:56,091
Why don't you go lose it on your crew
down in the dressing room?
1292
01:24:56,174 --> 01:24:57,759
On your punching bags.
1293
01:25:00,011 --> 01:25:03,848
That's what I did, without warning,
not to the crowd or the crew,
1294
01:25:04,349 --> 01:25:07,227
I drop my microphone like this
and I leave.
1295
01:25:07,310 --> 01:25:09,521
"Jesus Christ…"
1296
01:25:14,818 --> 01:25:18,113
I waited for them in the dressing room.
My punching bags.
1297
01:25:20,115 --> 01:25:25,912
My manager, producer, my wife,
my press agent, everyone was nervous.
1298
01:25:25,995 --> 01:25:29,666
"What's Princess Mierda
about to do to us?"
1299
01:25:30,250 --> 01:25:34,129
"Close the door! Who was that idiot?
'Cut, cut, cut!'"
1300
01:25:34,212 --> 01:25:35,588
"Is he a chicken?"
1301
01:25:35,672 --> 01:25:38,508
"I told the make-up artist
I was from Morocco
1302
01:25:38,591 --> 01:25:42,220
and now I look like a clementine."
1303
01:25:43,096 --> 01:25:44,806
"Where did you get them?"
1304
01:25:44,889 --> 01:25:47,016
"The room is staring at me, like,
1305
01:25:47,517 --> 01:25:50,353
'Everyone is so slow!'"
1306
01:25:51,813 --> 01:25:54,649
And I spewed my venom on everyone.
1307
01:25:54,732 --> 01:25:56,609
No one came out unscathed.
1308
01:25:57,110 --> 01:25:59,696
I even berated your grandmother.
1309
01:26:01,865 --> 01:26:04,701
And, finally, my day arrived
served on a silver platter,
1310
01:26:04,784 --> 01:26:06,119
in the form of an intern.
1311
01:26:06,202 --> 01:26:08,580
He crashed through the door, sprinting.
1312
01:26:08,663 --> 01:26:10,456
"Rachid--"
"Get out of here."
1313
01:26:10,540 --> 01:26:12,959
"We're having a private talk. Get out."
1314
01:26:13,585 --> 01:26:14,752
"Shut up."
1315
01:26:16,546 --> 01:26:18,506
"Did you tell me to shut up?"
1316
01:26:19,465 --> 01:26:20,383
He goes, "Yeah."
1317
01:26:24,971 --> 01:26:26,347
"Your lavalier mic
1318
01:26:28,141 --> 01:26:29,225
is still on."
1319
01:26:33,062 --> 01:26:34,772
"Everyone heard you."
1320
01:26:35,565 --> 01:26:38,693
"The staff was furious.
They took off and left everything."
1321
01:26:39,194 --> 01:26:40,737
"The crowd is gone too."
1322
01:26:41,237 --> 01:26:42,864
"Except for three people."
1323
01:26:43,573 --> 01:26:45,033
"They're deaf and mute."
1324
01:26:49,037 --> 01:26:52,081
I could feel my career slipping away.
1325
01:26:52,165 --> 01:26:55,960
Tour managers and people like that
slammed their door in my face.
1326
01:26:56,044 --> 01:26:59,380
"I'm not working for a guy
who thinks he's God."
1327
01:26:59,464 --> 01:27:02,258
That was with my professional circle.
1328
01:27:02,342 --> 01:27:05,553
The one that really got it bad
was my private circle,
1329
01:27:06,262 --> 01:27:07,096
my wife.
1330
01:27:07,805 --> 01:27:10,975
Because she had to take this asshole home.
1331
01:27:11,976 --> 01:27:13,603
She had to wash him, right?
1332
01:27:17,607 --> 01:27:19,359
The way I treated her.
1333
01:27:21,527 --> 01:27:23,321
I hope you never act that way.
1334
01:27:25,114 --> 01:27:27,450
I disrespected her so much.
1335
01:27:28,117 --> 01:27:30,912
What kind of man calls out
his wife in public?
1336
01:27:31,412 --> 01:27:34,207
Is that what we call a man? Doing that?
1337
01:27:35,375 --> 01:27:36,251
No way.
1338
01:27:38,044 --> 01:27:39,504
My entire life,
1339
01:27:40,463 --> 01:27:41,923
I desired her.
1340
01:27:42,757 --> 01:27:45,218
That's how I treated her the entire time.
1341
01:27:45,301 --> 01:27:46,761
She was promised to me at 8.
1342
01:27:49,013 --> 01:27:50,098
Not true.
1343
01:27:50,181 --> 01:27:52,392
It was at 12, in exchange for a goat.
1344
01:27:53,184 --> 01:27:54,352
No!
1345
01:27:56,896 --> 01:28:00,984
I wanted her for my entire life.
She was my childhood friend's sister.
1346
01:28:01,567 --> 01:28:03,278
Finally, we were together.
1347
01:28:03,361 --> 01:28:06,239
One magazine cover
and I treated her like that.
1348
01:28:06,781 --> 01:28:08,283
She toughed it out.
1349
01:28:08,783 --> 01:28:10,285
But until when?
1350
01:28:10,952 --> 01:28:15,999
Until the day I was waiting
for my cancer results.
1351
01:28:16,082 --> 01:28:17,083
Remember?
1352
01:28:17,667 --> 01:28:19,919
When she looked at me and said,
1353
01:28:20,753 --> 01:28:22,755
"Stop acting like an asshole."
1354
01:28:22,839 --> 01:28:26,718
She gave me an ultimatum at the same time.
1355
01:28:26,801 --> 01:28:29,971
"If you keep acting this way,
Rachid Badouri…"
1356
01:28:30,054 --> 01:28:32,056
When she uses your last name…
1357
01:28:33,641 --> 01:28:35,184
you know it's almost over.
1358
01:28:36,060 --> 01:28:37,854
"If you keep acting like this,
1359
01:28:37,937 --> 01:28:40,815
it's the woman you claim to love the most
1360
01:28:40,898 --> 01:28:41,941
who will leave."
1361
01:28:43,901 --> 01:28:44,736
"My mom?"
1362
01:28:45,695 --> 01:28:48,364
I couldn't have picked
a worse moment for a lame joke.
1363
01:28:54,787 --> 01:28:56,247
"No, you idiot, me."
1364
01:28:56,331 --> 01:28:59,000
"Nah, not you, baby.
You and me are tight."
1365
01:28:59,834 --> 01:29:03,713
She goes, "What's tight?"
"Well, we've been together so long…"
1366
01:29:04,422 --> 01:29:05,256
"Remember my…"
1367
01:29:06,299 --> 01:29:08,843
"You know what they say,
scrotum for life."
1368
01:29:09,594 --> 01:29:10,803
"Keep going."
1369
01:29:10,887 --> 01:29:13,973
"That's all you've got left.
Your bad jokes. Keep going."
1370
01:29:14,057 --> 01:29:17,518
"But if you don't get some help,
I'm out. Do you understand?"
1371
01:29:18,644 --> 01:29:19,854
I knew what she wanted.
1372
01:29:23,524 --> 01:29:25,818
She wanted me to see a therapist.
1373
01:29:27,862 --> 01:29:28,696
No way!
1374
01:29:29,197 --> 01:29:31,449
I'm not going to see a therapist.
1375
01:29:34,660 --> 01:29:36,621
I love this character.
1376
01:29:39,707 --> 01:29:40,792
My back hurts.
1377
01:29:42,710 --> 01:29:43,961
I didn't want to go.
1378
01:29:44,045 --> 01:29:47,215
Badouris don't air our dirty laundry
in public. It's crazy.
1379
01:29:47,715 --> 01:29:51,344
Immigrant parents can't accept
the fact that their family is…
1380
01:29:52,136 --> 01:29:55,723
It didn't work out.
You made the trip, but you're still nuts.
1381
01:29:56,641 --> 01:29:58,893
When people asked how we were we lied.
1382
01:29:58,976 --> 01:30:02,188
"We're good."
Pots and pans flying everywhere.
1383
01:30:02,271 --> 01:30:03,231
"It's all good."
1384
01:30:03,314 --> 01:30:04,816
Flames in the background.
1385
01:30:04,899 --> 01:30:07,568
"Don't worry.
We're roasting marshmallows."
1386
01:30:10,238 --> 01:30:13,908
They can't accept it.
It has to be a success.
1387
01:30:14,659 --> 01:30:19,872
May my mother rest in peace,
but appearances were so important to her.
1388
01:30:20,373 --> 01:30:22,792
That was more important than reality.
1389
01:30:22,875 --> 01:30:26,003
Everything was supposed
to be a perfect success.
1390
01:30:26,087 --> 01:30:28,923
She was the Instagram model
before Instagram.
1391
01:30:30,216 --> 01:30:34,720
Do you want to know how important
appearances were to my mother?
1392
01:30:34,804 --> 01:30:38,558
"What will people think of us?
What will the family say about us?"
1393
01:30:38,641 --> 01:30:41,727
Let me tell you a story,
but don't judge me.
1394
01:30:42,728 --> 01:30:44,313
I was 14 years old.
1395
01:30:44,397 --> 01:30:46,399
I was a "Fresh," completely useless.
1396
01:30:46,482 --> 01:30:50,361
It's 11:00 p.m., I'm in my underwear
in a French neighborhood.
1397
01:30:50,445 --> 01:30:52,363
Surrounded by Quebecers.
1398
01:30:52,447 --> 01:30:56,159
My mother arranged her flowers.
The whole house was sparkling.
1399
01:30:56,242 --> 01:31:00,121
No air conditioning, so I'm watching
basketball in my underwear.
1400
01:31:00,204 --> 01:31:03,124
My sister grabs the remote
and puts on her show.
1401
01:31:03,207 --> 01:31:06,377
I take it back, she grabs it
and smashes me with it.
1402
01:31:06,461 --> 01:31:08,087
I'm bleeding.
1403
01:31:08,171 --> 01:31:09,964
I weigh 30 pounds soaking wet.
1404
01:31:10,047 --> 01:31:13,301
It's the equivalent of a lamp post
falling on my head.
1405
01:31:13,384 --> 01:31:15,845
I stand up, turn to her, and say,
1406
01:31:15,928 --> 01:31:17,763
"I'm going to kill you, fatso."
1407
01:31:18,473 --> 01:31:19,974
She's usually never scared.
1408
01:31:20,057 --> 01:31:22,810
She could simply sit on top of me
and hold me down.
1409
01:31:23,853 --> 01:31:28,316
But this time, she was like, "He kind of
has that Jeffrey Dahmer stare."
1410
01:31:28,816 --> 01:31:30,943
"I'm going to get out of here."
1411
01:31:31,027 --> 01:31:36,449
So she leaves the house around 11:15
wearing nothing but a Duran Duran T-shirt.
1412
01:31:36,532 --> 01:31:40,036
She's running outside and yells,
"Help me!"
1413
01:31:40,912 --> 01:31:42,205
"There's a murderer!"
1414
01:31:43,539 --> 01:31:45,833
"Stop him! Call the cops!"
1415
01:31:45,917 --> 01:31:49,128
I'm behind her
wearing my Fruit of the Looms.
1416
01:31:50,087 --> 01:31:51,422
I'm all skinny.
1417
01:31:51,506 --> 01:31:53,966
"I'm going to kill you, fatso!"
1418
01:31:54,050 --> 01:31:56,594
I look like a praying mantis with my legs.
1419
01:31:57,512 --> 01:32:00,473
"I'll kill you!"
My mom's worst nightmare begins.
1420
01:32:00,556 --> 01:32:03,684
Neighborhood lights
start popping on left and right.
1421
01:32:03,768 --> 01:32:07,438
It was 11:20 at night, my mom was like,
"Oh, no. Oh, no."
1422
01:32:07,522 --> 01:32:10,233
"The neighbors!"
1423
01:32:10,316 --> 01:32:12,735
"I'm going to kill that fatso, Mom!"
1424
01:32:12,818 --> 01:32:16,322
She goes, "I get it,
but come and kill the fatso inside!
1425
01:32:17,073 --> 01:32:19,867
"Don't kill the fatso
in front of the neighbors!"
1426
01:32:20,451 --> 01:32:22,787
"We have to kill the fatso inside!"
1427
01:32:26,916 --> 01:32:30,670
I didn't have a choice. My mother did it
to protect us, but it didn't work.
1428
01:32:31,254 --> 01:32:35,007
Losing my career
for what had just happened? Who cares.
1429
01:32:35,091 --> 01:32:37,426
I can go sell Low-costs in Morocco.
1430
01:32:42,431 --> 01:32:44,100
But losing the woman of my dreams…
1431
01:32:52,275 --> 01:32:56,862
The same one to whom
I never even gave a single chance.
1432
01:32:59,532 --> 01:33:03,202
A single chance to see
the good side of her husband.
1433
01:33:04,370 --> 01:33:08,916
I wasn't even able to show her
that she made the right choice.
1434
01:33:09,000 --> 01:33:10,543
I couldn't let that go.
1435
01:33:10,626 --> 01:33:12,461
There was no way.
1436
01:33:13,379 --> 01:33:16,215
So I went to see "the scammer."
1437
01:33:18,134 --> 01:33:20,928
That's what I called
my therapist at first.
1438
01:33:22,597 --> 01:33:25,600
I wasn't even properly seated
when he started,
1439
01:33:25,683 --> 01:33:28,269
"Did you know that an asshole--"
1440
01:33:28,352 --> 01:33:29,186
"What?"
1441
01:33:30,521 --> 01:33:32,940
"He thinks he's
the center of the universe,
1442
01:33:33,024 --> 01:33:35,401
but when you take a long look at him,
1443
01:33:35,484 --> 01:33:37,528
you quickly realize
1444
01:33:37,612 --> 01:33:41,741
that he's nothing
but the tiny center of his own ass."
1445
01:33:47,663 --> 01:33:50,916
A welcome card at Jean Coutu
would have been--
1446
01:33:52,918 --> 01:33:54,420
That's how it started.
1447
01:33:54,503 --> 01:33:56,839
That guy is still my best friend.
1448
01:33:56,922 --> 01:33:59,050
We talked and talked and talked.
1449
01:33:59,133 --> 01:34:02,178
He told me stuff
I could never have understood.
1450
01:34:02,261 --> 01:34:04,930
I could never hope
for happiness in the future
1451
01:34:05,014 --> 01:34:09,852
or even understand the present
without going through my damned past.
1452
01:34:09,935 --> 01:34:12,063
He said, "This is going to be hard."
1453
01:34:12,146 --> 01:34:15,149
"It's hard because
you can't just erase it."
1454
01:34:15,232 --> 01:34:17,568
"It's not like your computer's history."
1455
01:34:17,652 --> 01:34:20,488
"Google or Safari,
where you can just erase it."
1456
01:34:22,907 --> 01:34:23,741
Got it?
1457
01:34:24,825 --> 01:34:26,702
Thankfully, you can erase it.
1458
01:34:30,122 --> 01:34:34,627
The more I talked to him, the more I felt
like I was talking with a painter.
1459
01:34:34,710 --> 01:34:37,672
Like it was somebody painting
a portrait of Rachid.
1460
01:34:37,755 --> 01:34:42,385
I saw Rachid's true face appear on
the canvas. I said, "Hey, that's me."
1461
01:34:42,468 --> 01:34:44,679
"That's the real me. Who's that guy?"
1462
01:34:44,762 --> 01:34:48,516
"Who's that guy
that let every little thing trip him up?"
1463
01:34:48,599 --> 01:34:51,477
I felt like my identity was stolen.
1464
01:34:52,144 --> 01:34:54,105
I felt like a Capital One customer.
1465
01:34:54,188 --> 01:34:55,022
And I was--
1466
01:34:55,856 --> 01:34:58,234
Not too bad, huh?
1467
01:35:01,028 --> 01:35:03,280
He started by giving me exercises.
1468
01:35:03,364 --> 01:35:05,241
I fell, and got back up.
1469
01:35:05,324 --> 01:35:08,536
I fell, did more exercises.
Got back up, fell again.
1470
01:35:08,619 --> 01:35:13,416
Some of my religious friends would
send me words of wisdom.
1471
01:35:13,499 --> 01:35:17,461
I'd take everything I could.
I'm not about to go off on religion.
1472
01:35:17,545 --> 01:35:19,296
I know my province. There was abuse.
1473
01:35:19,380 --> 01:35:22,758
When I mention that,
I ask for nothing in return.
1474
01:35:22,842 --> 01:35:25,386
Just 10% of your salary, but that's it…
1475
01:35:26,220 --> 01:35:27,638
I'm trying to be honest.
1476
01:35:27,722 --> 01:35:30,683
Even though I know that
we're in a society where
1477
01:35:30,766 --> 01:35:34,979
we've accepted the fact that part of it
is bullshit as a way to cope.
1478
01:35:35,062 --> 01:35:37,273
We accepted that bullshit to fit in.
1479
01:35:37,356 --> 01:35:39,608
It's all about being accepted.
1480
01:35:39,692 --> 01:35:42,903
We'll accept the bullshit.
Don't worry about it.
1481
01:35:42,987 --> 01:35:46,365
It's not like we can be 100% honest.
Could you imagine?
1482
01:35:46,449 --> 01:35:49,410
100% honest, 24/7?
1483
01:35:49,910 --> 01:35:53,789
Could you imagine all
those pitiful, white cops in the States?
1484
01:35:53,873 --> 01:35:58,002
Every time they would stop someone,
"You were Black and driving."
1485
01:35:58,085 --> 01:36:00,921
They wouldn't be able
to shut their mouths.
1486
01:36:04,216 --> 01:36:08,721
Life makes us walk through unknown paths
and that's a good thing.
1487
01:36:08,804 --> 01:36:10,473
It makes it interesting.
1488
01:36:11,098 --> 01:36:13,934
It got me here with this Netflix special
1489
01:36:14,018 --> 01:36:16,395
to chat with you about what happened.
1490
01:36:16,479 --> 01:36:20,149
Not to tell you how perfect I am now.
I'm not perfect at all!
1491
01:36:20,232 --> 01:36:24,361
I tried it, I almost lost my teeth,
my life, my career, and my wife.
1492
01:36:24,445 --> 01:36:27,531
Dying imperfect is perfect.
I'm not perfect at all.
1493
01:36:28,073 --> 01:36:30,451
I had breakfast at Allô! Mon Coco today.
1494
01:36:31,660 --> 01:36:36,248
There were packs of sugar
for the coffee on the table.
1495
01:36:36,749 --> 01:36:38,042
I don't drink coffee.
1496
01:36:38,584 --> 01:36:41,837
I took one of the packs
and used it as a toothpick.
1497
01:36:44,799 --> 01:36:48,177
And I put it back. Do you see?
I'm still screwed!
1498
01:36:51,013 --> 01:36:52,097
I'm not perfect.
1499
01:36:52,681 --> 01:36:55,559
Accepting my weaknesses,
and getting better every day,
1500
01:36:55,643 --> 01:36:58,187
that's a pill I'd swallow every day.
1501
01:36:58,270 --> 01:37:01,190
I want to do it for me,
for my mental health.
1502
01:37:01,273 --> 01:37:03,526
They say that it all starts up here.
1503
01:37:03,609 --> 01:37:05,653
I want to do it for my princesses.
1504
01:37:05,736 --> 01:37:09,198
And for my queen, my wife,
who deserves the world.
1505
01:37:09,281 --> 01:37:11,909
And lastly, I want to do this for you.
1506
01:37:12,409 --> 01:37:16,413
The ambassadors of my dreams
for the last 15 years,
1507
01:37:16,497 --> 01:37:18,624
Montreal, I love you!
1508
01:37:47,945 --> 01:37:50,906
PERFORMED AT L'OLYMPIA DE MONTREAL
JUST FOR LAUGHS, JULY 2023
1509
01:37:53,826 --> 01:37:56,370
FAMILY OR NOTHING
1510
01:39:44,353 --> 01:39:47,982
Subtitle translation by: Amaury Pinos
111421
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