All language subtitles for Kick-Ass 2 (2013)_track4_[eng]

MINDY: A handgun bullet
travels at finan
700 miles per hour.

riley, wnoa..
Alpsolutely not.
INO

Look, lif you
cont wanna co it,
you clon’t have to clo it.

Okay. Good,
| dont wanna clo it.

FiNe.

(GROANS)

Godan!
I'm alive.
(CHUCKLING)

‘Ol!

Oh, that’s amazing!
(WirIOOPS)

| know, rigitt. So...

faliorane

Ready to Go agalin?

Aosolutely not.

(xaTABES)

FiNe.

Don't Just say “tine”
and then shoot me
in the chest.

‘Cause It's not cool.
(CGUINKEOEKS)

Like att alll.

Okay. Jeez.

(GGREAUS)

DAVE: | always woncerec
why no one tt
4) Superhero fe.

(SEHOO ME SE RNINGIING)
kt turns out somebody had.
Mincy Macreachy.

Aver ner cdac ced,
his ole pariner
On the force,

Mareus,
became her guardian.

GIRL: Is that a Pink Pony
bag she's wearing?
Nice backpack.

Thanks.

Steal itt trom
a six year old?
(GURIESECICSIEINS)

DAVIE: Marcus cropped
her off every cay.

But AS as Ae
WAS Gone, SO Was She.

(BEEPING)

INO ONE ait SGnOO! round our
because she hacked
into tne server

and gave herselr tine aware
for periect atiendance.

Init Girl and Big Deackely
had been the real deal.

Mindy was gonna
keep weaning the mask

as long as there were
Cilia SMOMAKEIO OW

(GRUNTING)

But no mater how many
drug dealers she stopped,

sane Couldn't Stop
feeling alone.

Me? I'l given up
being a superhero

lOSGaUse it WAS
Wey, Gang enous

Only problem,
i was dying of boreclomn.

Like most
high School seniors,

/ nag No idea
what | wanted
fo Glo with my lire.

Hell, | chidn't know
what channel
| wanted to waren.

It’s just TV, Dave,
not in
tne Middle East.

My best tinencs
Todd and Mariy

lnad no elue
/ was the iirst superhero
tO GO jouldllic.

Spider-Man last night?

Is it waire
that Aunt May
gets me kinda hare?

Not tif you're
a granny-slammer.

FEMALE REPORTER:
They may wear cosiumes,
lout it isn Halloween.

vhey re real
lie SupeTheroes,

and in ine two years
Since the ttirst
ordinary citizens

conned Gaoes and masks,

ine movement has
Sstaried to soreac.

/ DeGamMe a SUPETNETO
loecause of Kiek-Ass.

MIR. RADICAL: Yea, you just
come home

you gral your gear
and you Go out on patrol.

rielo US make
nine Sireets Sate.

DAVE: | inspired
all those
HO Get Off their ASSES,

anc now
I was stuek on mine.

SO that nignt aner cinner,
! LONGE
WV AOMCOSONE)

Sorry.
Whoa!
Cant you knock?

You know, buddy,
it's perfectly normal for
you tto touch yourself...

Oh, Jesus, Dad.
Get our!

DAVE: lf] was even thinking
about a Kiek-Ass sequel,

/ hac! to Get serious.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

rley. rey,
Can we chat?

Please, Mindy?

Get in the cab.
Meters running.

like Batman anc Robin.

(SCORES)
Nobody wants to be Robin.

What's wrong with Robin?

Weren't you like
Big Daddy's Robin?

RODIN wishes he was me,

Whar I'nn tryling to say
is we should be partners,

you ane me,
like the clynamic cluo.
(SiiGits)

I'm in the NFL, Dave.
You play pee-wee.

So? Train me.

| wanna walk tine wail,

ane you're
the closest thing | know
to a real superhero.

Aren't you tirac
of being on your own?

Don't you wanna know
someone's there for you?

Someone nvners
Got your back?

(SCOFFS)

A\nel you'll co
anything | say?

Anning.

Fit Me,

You're a 15-year-ole girl.
(GROANS)

Winart tine nell?

get slapped like a bitch.

(BOR! GRUNTING)

Oh, goddamn.

DAVE: Mincly beat me
like morning
evary day tor three weeks.

Lett, right, guard up!

(STRAINING)

van Wwihtin
my damaged nerve endings,
me hurt like hell.

(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)

But, in a weire way,
I Kinda liked! it.

a SENSES Of PUTDOSE.

Wat happenec
tO your face?
Nothing.

Like we ware ciniving
towards something.

Goddamn!

Oh! Oh, that’s amazing]

All tine other people
putting on masks were
just playing superhero.

We ware training
to really Go it.

| couldn't reall
my girkiriend Katie,
or Marty and Todd.

But | didnt care.
We were having
LOOW MUCHO

(GRUNTING)

Let, rglnt, lee

Our own superhero teamn.

(LAUGHS)

lt WAS Gonna oe loallls.

(COMAVEHIINE)

Wheat the hell, Mon’?
Did you delete
nine News Off the DVR?

I did, Christopher.

That was tne one
writin Kick-Ass.

Oh, Christopher,
VOUMCRTOWAESTOPIOMOSESSING
over this supernero.

rie Is NOt a Supernero,
Morn, he’s a murcerer.

re blew up Dae
with a bazooka,
for fuck’s sake!

Your father cliec|
in a fire.

What is your problem?

You! You are my problem!

lan trying
to raise you to be
a normal boy!

That's why we moved
to Long Island atfter
your father's accicent.

/A baZOOKA IIS
hot an accident,
you delusional bitch!

This conversation Is over!

Great. Then "nn leaving.

(INFALES DEEPLY)

Come on, Javier,
oe GOO.

Sorry, Chris,
lout your mom pays me
MOMIOMOCICOO!R

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

| hate you!
You home-school me
like I'm a orisoner!

You threw away
my Rec Mist costume.

Goel! | arn not
the problem! You are}

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

URSEDAVICOISERE AMIS)

MINIDY: Dont touen that

Wrinait is it?

K's a last resort.
Like if all else fails
ane you're aloout to clie.

Are YOU Not scared! to die?

Are you scared
you're never gonna grow
into your big boy pants?

in serious. Wheat
if Spider-Man or Batman
got killed one night?

it Gould Napoen.

lr you're scared of clying,
one thing is certain,
YoU are going to elie.

My Cadkly was never
atiraic] of chving.

LOOK winere that got hin.

rile knew he might have
to fake the ultimate
sacrifice one daly.

(SIGrIS)

“Ane that's why
he mace me promise

defending this city.

Cross my heart,

NOMe to clie.

You know that, right?

(SCOFFS)

You're wrong, Dave.
My claclely was
tine first real superhero,

not you or Red Mist.
twas my cdaclehy,

ane it was an honor
tO ly his si¢le.

riey, Miin,
NOWAVASES CHOON,

MISSIN ITT
WAS Out today,

we had Mir. Cooper
teaching us biology,
Such a grump.

Oh, really? That's weirel
because Principal rimoti
Calllecime nye senclays

You were supposec|
to Get an aware

ior Perrect aiuencance,
ut you didnt attend.

| followed! you this morning.
Saw you get into
2 Calo with some boy,

over tine bridge.

SO how you wanna tell me
where you reallly were today?

I'm really sorry, Marcus.
I didnt wanna make you mad.

Cut the waterworks, Min.
You're 15, not five.

(SIGrIS)

LOOK, he asked me
tO Cut class
ane go to the mail.

So, yealh,
yeaih, | did.

with you being Fit Girl?

find any ninja blaces

Or throwing stars
uncer your bedi?

No. | just wanitec! in
to like me. Okay?

Sweetie, skipping school's
Not a waly to
GEMOOVSRORIKE RN OUR

' SO siupld.
riey, hey.

You're one oF the smartest
little girls | know.
Let's go get some pizza.

What, you mean
lm not grounced?

Well, just consicder
this a warning.

JAVIER: rey, you sure
you wanna give aill
your mom’s things away?

Winait tine hell ann
| supposed to clo
with all her stu?

JAVIER: Damn, sine hac
a nice pair of guns.

Duce, she’s cdeael!
Don't talk about her tits.

l was talking aloout these.

Ol, those.
These were fy cadl’s.

Winy con't you keep then?

Are you sure?

Yeah. | mean,
tiney belong to you, right?

Come on, Claris.
You're your own man now.

Just be careful, all right?
Yeain.

Definitely clon"t
wanna keep those

(CLEARS THROAT)

You take tine day oi.
Latter.

SO, are you reacly
for your first
field test?

What ann | supposed
to Clo with these?

Put them on and, uln,
go fishing.

(xaTABES)

Mra the whitest plo ever.

MINDY ON RADIO:
That’s the idea.

Take tine next right.
COMmeSIOU MOM al aroulsi

You sure
| should be doing this
without my gear?

That's tne point

KIGk-A\ss isn’t a Gosiume.
KG GKeASSHS)
who you really are.

Dave Lizewski is tne mask,

Well, my "mask"
Is aloout to get
his teeth kicked in.

riey, queer loeillt,
where are you going
with those bags, man?

Tell nin you're on your way
LOMUCka Simouierg
with a 12-ineh sirap on.

I'm just taking a wailk.

This reallly isnt
what | do. | usuailly
just caill the cops.

Wino are you
talking to, man?

Ula, Irn just on a call.
Kt WAS...

You know,
service round here,
it sucks, man.

Now give me the bags,
faggot, before | make you
suck my fat cock, huh?

Comeron!

OKaVAOKaye

(GROANS)

(YELLING)

(GROANS)

DAVE: Can you believe
I let Mindy beat the snot
out of me for weeks

just so | could get
my ass again?

So muen for 2 team.

You reacy to cie?
You faggot!

You know,
all that homophobic shit
makes you sound super gaily.

(BOR! GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Come on. (GROANS)

Ii | ever catten you
robbing again,
shit-ourger,

"mn gonna go
Saudi Arabia on your ass
ancl cut your hanel off.

Promise me you're done
with your litte of crime.

| promise.

GRUMES)
(SCREAMING)

Pants on fire,

What do you think’?
I think you
almost got me killed!

No. What do you
think of my line?

l wrote a whole bunch of ‘em.

Rum! Mil tall then
WOU me. Gol

DISPATCH ON RADIO:
Female suspect
ileeing Fiatoush.

Uncer 5 reer. Masked.
Armed with nunchueks
anc a sword,

(ENGINE STARTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GEE TONEININGING)

(BEEP)

ON PHONE: rey, Min.
Hey, Marcus.
What's up?

| see you answerec!
your pnone.

TAAL TAEANS
you're not in school.

out | wasn’t feeling so good,
ane so the nurse
clecicied to send me home.

Well, I'm almost home.

rll make soup
and we can watch Jeoparaly!

All riginity.
("Ul you soon, okay?

All rigint

(SIREN WAILING)

(VEN EREWINS)

(HORN HONKING)

(VEN EREWINS)

(GRESSEREECHINS)

You got my soup?

Let me take your
temperature first.

Oh, you're reallly clammy.

I'll fae] loattiar
ater a Nao-nap.

Close your eyes.
I'm gonna get you
that Soup.

Is that dlood?

Danan tt, Miinehy.
| can’t cdo this anymore.

Your father was
like a orother to me.

Fle was a great Cop
ancl a2 hero.

But Big Daddy?
That was not
your father, okay?

That was someone
wine robloecl you
of your childhood.

lit Girl?
That’s not who you are.

You are Minely Macreachy
ane you're just
starting high school.

| unclerstand
that you cont know
who that person is yet,

out you will,
you've just goitta try.

| ont want tto.

You con't Know
what you want.

You can't.
Youre not an adult,
not yet.

Yeah, wall, I've cone more in
my 15 years than most adults
have in their lifetime.

That note that
your father gave you,

the one that you
Were SUPPOSed! to Open
iv anything ever happened.

Winett clidl tt sey’?

That you would
take care of me.

to listen to me, right?

Wall, listen up.

I want you in school.
I want you to stop
talking to that boy.

“Ane! | want you
to promise me

ina this is never
gonna happen again.

Cross my heart,

NOMe to clie.

ood!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

DAVE: Mindy!

Winart tine nell?

Pirst you almost
get me killed),
then you stand me up.

Dawe, I" SOF.

I mean, I...
You ara?

| arn

Por Sveryiniing.

Oh, okay, great.

| mean,
“apologetic” isnt a word
"el use to cleserilbe you.

riow many tines co
| have to say it?

(SIGHS Oo
let's get out of here.

You goittel up.
I think | might
have broken a ilo.

Dave, Inn clone.

With training?

With everyining.

Wait, you mean everining?

You're Hit Girl.

We were gonna start a team,
you can't just quit.

Tinis IS WhO you are.

Not anymore, Dave.

I'm sorry, out it’s over.
I'm clone.

GIRL: She just oroke up
wt Inia?

ust leave me alone,

(GROANS)
Will you stop apologizing?

| don't know what's worse,
that you're fucking
a Oth-gracer

or that you just
got dumped by one.
Whoa, winoall

Pecopnile tirealk,

e's Not like tna

Then what is it like?
Please, tell me.

| can’t. li’s to clo
with the (WOUTHS)
Kick-Ass thing.

I've got a Secret for you.
You remember Malik?

Duce wno volunteers
at your needle exchange?

rlls baton is mMuUcaN
olgger than Kiek-Ass’.

Yea.

And ly “baton,”
| mean penis.

Veal, | Got that. Tnenks.

riteen gets
you 20, pervert.

A firesnman, Dave?
You ole, salty clog.

What's the problem?
Grass on tthe field,
olay ball. Right?

No, Yoel.

JAVIER: Chiis,
your tutors here.

Chris, your...

rloly sit.
What the nell is that?

Ny clastiny.

Claris, just because
your mom liked! to get
a little freaky now.

I know what my role
is in this, Javier.

My dad was a crime loss,
so it just makes sense.

I'm a supervillain.
it’s evolution.

Come On, Come On.

Just put those things down
before you
hurt somebody, Claris.

That's not my name.

Okay, okay.
Uh, Red Mist...

Red Mist was
my superhero name.

rienceortn
il be known as

Tihne Motnertucker,

DAVE: Aier Minely Gents,

I decicied to stop Iniiing
tine heavy bag and stant
hitting the sireeis.

rey, Kick-Ass,
Weleonmeroackd

Whoo!

MAN: You're tne best, man!

Only problem,
/ was still on my Own.

So | want online
ane oun!
NOM SIESHONONESSOlg

Calling inset
“Dr. Gravity.”

Sure, ne wasn't iit Girl,
lout | had to start somewnere.

This is the zero G cevice
that | invented.

Can levitate
any Object up to a ton.

ror reall?

Fiell, no, man.
This is a baseball
bat wrapoed in tinfoil.

(AWGIS)
But it tooled you.

Filey, coule! | get a Diet
Mountain Dew, please?

I'm not even
ANON SICSHONONESSOle

Just a Copywriter
vor an acl agency.

Burt that's why
MOVE RINSESIUie

You can oe
anyone you want!

You cone many
team-ups before?

Kine of. Yealn.
No, not reallly.

Iwas getting kinda
Nervous about being
on my own, you know?

Yealh, me, too.
| never even been
in a fight.

Well, hopefully
you won't have to.

| trlencled a guy talking
aloout forming a team,
i? you're interested.

| con't know
now serious he is,

out his pleture
was prety hare core.

Are you kidding me?
That's why | contacted you.

I clidint wanna tirealk
you out by bringing it
up Soon.

Ml show you his protile
afier | hit the men's roon.

JAVIER: Your Unele Rallpin's
not gonna be happy
aloout this, Chris.

That's not my name.

Min not calling
you that, forget It.

Javier, you worked!
for my clad.

Then you worked for my mon.
Now you work tor me.

Mim probeloly the richest Kid
in New York Glity.

clon't like that,

vine yourself another
motheriucking job, okay?

VORIKICKSASS)

Man,
am | glad to you.

is there anyining
/ can do to helo, sir?

Yeain. | was hoping you
can help me get
a million hits on YouTube.

(BOR! GRUNTING)

Come on. Come on

(GROANS)

Run, Kick-Ass, run!

Jersey Shore motheriucker!

rley, wnat,
VOURNOIMeKnested
in a fair fight?

(LAUGHS)

That is no fair tight.
Team meeting tomorrow.
I'll e-mail you the address.

GORENG)

Beware Dr. Gravityl
(WHOOPING)

DAVE: You had to aclmire
“ine Doctor's enthusiasm.

/ Goulein’t walk
ro meet his iinlencs.

(BELL JINGLING)

Filancs in the air,
Sering Roll.

Empty the register
and don't do
anything stupid.

Come on! rey, where are
your security cameras?

We con't have them.
Too expensive.
SETOUSIVG

Winatt tne fuck?
How's this gonna go viral?
You want to be filmed?

Shut up and just
get on the ground!

Ane your'e oetier tell people
The Motherfucker was here.

What's wrong
with you, boy?
(GESS)

Get on the floor,
too, Gandalf,

or | will oust
a2 cao in your ass.

You're gonna lousit
your Own face

winen that gun kicks
if you con't
hold ft property.

Just Get ON tne grounel!

Goel), will you hurry up)

(GROANS)
| tole] you.

(GRUES)

Gol Go, go, go}

Start the car! Go, gol

(ENGINERSIFARES)
GHRIS: kt was amazing!

Kiee) alive.
l know who | ann.
| know why Irn here.

I'ma Gonna fuck
this world up!

They will know
The Motherfucker’s name!
(YELLS)

You've gotta tind me
some bad-ass MMA types
to train me, okay?

Like a Chuck Licldell
OMWNOFViel-

rPuGcK, | don't care
how much it costs.

| just wanna loe alole
to kill Kick-Ass
with my bare hanes.

(PANTING)

| Gotia tweet aloout this.

MARGUS: All rigint.
Are you reachy?

Um, | don't know.
“Amn I?

Yes, YOU are.
You look great.

And Baroara’s daughter,
Brooke, is really nice.

What ann | supposed
to talk to them about?

el ratiner oe waiter-looarcec
than listen to Justin Bieber.

g
©
n
n
a
be a
isa
36
n
ster
a
= fil
n
eS

riow clo you know that?

Because it's a slumber party,
for fuck’s sake.

Dollar. Jar,

(SIGrIS)

a bolgger far.

Pratiy Gool, hulh?
This is how
the beer gets delivered.

Dude. You got
al secret elevator to your
underground headquarters.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
The guy | told you
about owns this place.

t's like
e realeliite bat-cave.

I know, right.
Ohmycalis

(BISENTOWERIEAINKS)

Tihiis Is the single
greatest thing
ve ever seen.

Weleome to Justices Forever.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Fil, Detective Williams.
This must be Minely.

it iS. lrli, Brooke.

You girls have fun
and I'll pick you up
in the morning, okay?

"ll be the one
witin the slit wrists.

No, you're gonna loe
the one that gets
ne xAWeSOnmennanicunes

Minm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Say “hey”
to Minely, ladies.

RARLOW: | know you.

You're that freshman
wino took a fide on Dave
INIZEW.SIASEOISCORSIUICK@

clic] not ricle Inis.. J

Iv you Just lew lim,
you're totes
a virgin, right?

She didn’t blow hin,
look at her,

Tihen what? Rim jolo?
Hand job? Fingeroang?

Sweet-Ryan-Seacrest,
you ait least
kissed hin, right?

TOSS.
(GIRIESKEIC SEIN GS)

a boy, have you?

Oh, my God,
that is so acloralole.

Mayoe she's a aye,

Mayioe Mil ann
my foot up your snatch.

Oh, she’s super bitehy,
! likes.

Then what's
the big deal anyway?

What could be so great
aloout gagging on some
clouchne-bag's tongue?

i's pretty fucking great.

You know how you feel
when you waitteh
that vicleo by Union J?

rloly sit,
you clon"t know?

Tinls will change your lire.

(SINGING)
Dont ever say you're lonely
Just lay your problams on me

And I'll be waiting
inere for you

You guys love this shit
more than fanboys
love Stan Lee, don't you?

Wino's Stan Lee?

AER SINGING)
[' carry you
I'l Garry you

fll carry you

SO you Know tinal
1 carry you

fll carry you

fll carry you

Like youve been
running for hours

And cant caien your oreatin

Vhe demons are sereaming
So loud in your head

You're tirec
You're oroken

and you're bruised

But nounINgG'’S too heavy
ust hold on

(MOANS SOFTLY)

fll carry you

Winat tine fuck was that?

I know, right?
I'm soaked.

That? That is
who you are, Minely.

like us or talk like us,

but when it comes to boys,
were all the same.

Twilight. Channing Tatum.
Union J.

t's lolology, lotiten.
Don't fight tt.

| Gotta GO.

But we were gonna go
ane get high on bath salts
at Logan's house.

Mincehy, | wanna
CINE WOURENC rales

hinalt tne rest Of tine Girls
in our class would) Kill for.

Dont you wanna wail
out the door every daly
in skin-tight clothes

Knowing tinatt
everyone worshios you?

Don't you wanna
sneak out at night,
raise a little hell,

ane sinow tne worlcl
what a strong,

inclepencdent women
is capalole of?

Dont you wanna belong?

SO you Know tinal
1 carry you

Can | wear this
to Logan's?

FVARLOW: lit's gonna loe
SOMMUCIMUIDS

SO we tried tne cops
andl tried] the newspapers,

ane even set UP a, you know,
a thing on the Intemet

ror people to
help us find Tomm«niy.

UTm.. J

But we got nothing.
We never
our son again.

| Came UD with the name
Remembering Tomnniy,

anal, uln, we've been
cloing this three nights
a week. SO...

Colonel Stars and Stripes
founcl us online.

That's terrilole, guys.
I'm real sorry.

| became Nigint Bitten
after my sister was murdered
and found in a dumpster.

Roly shit

Doesn't oring her back,

out at least
I'm doing something
positive aloout ft.

Insect Man.
Yea, um...

I've oeen loullliec!
my whole litte
ror being gary,

now | stand up
fonmunexclenenselessr

That's why
| dont wear a mask.

TOO muen like being
back iin the closet.

COLONEL: Long as your
neart’s in the right place,

we cont care winatt you
out in your mouth.

Fist bump.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.

Well, | became Battle Guy

aliver my parents were
mugged and killed coming
nome trom the opera.

Did | tell you
that sick bastarc

fmnaxec! Out their creclitt
Cale SHOMMOONMORSIWESYg

I hope we get tine chance
to say hello to
this guy someday

Keanocnsomeallliy
levitate his soul
from his becky.

Oh, my God. Mariy?

Yealn, | knew
| racognized your voice.

No, | dont know what
you're talking alooutt.

I don't know no Marty.
NE WAG,

riley, asshole,
it’s me, Dawe.

Dave? Why are you
GhesSecalikeHMickeAssy,

Bacause Inn Kiek-Ass

COLONEL: You two
know each other?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
like since we were five.

Winat’s alll this loullsinit
aoout your parents
getting killed?

Yeesh, language.
What?

Baitile Guy, Gare to
update your résumé?

(SIGHS) Un...

lin trying to rigure our
now to explain this

a complete idiot right now.

Yealn, I'm not sure
that's possible, Batman.

MARTY: I'rn not, either.

UTm.. J

Okay. Well, when | round
you guys online,

you were all swapoing
ne SCRAWESOMe)
origin stories.

| mean, Colonel,
you're ex-Matiia,
for Christ’s sake.

Wom Donkarake
tne Lore’s name in vain.

i SORRY.

I didn't think you'd
let me join the team

unless | hae
21 Good Story, too.

All right, we'll let you
Off the hook this time,
Battle Guy.

Wanna see something cool?
Yea.

| thought this could
oe Our meeting roonn.

DAVE: Whoa, this is SO cool.

Now this little renovation
WasmOrallliVclalniclesiuires

Wwinich Means NODOEY
knew albout iit.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Now, | know it's
hot much, out this is
just the beginning.

Together we can make
@ reall clifiarence.

Winoal

if youre! consider It,
Kick-Ass,

we'el oe Nonorec
to have you join us.

Hall, yealal
(ALL CHEERING)

That's winatt
ll like to hear,

Right, time ror initiation.

and tll unzip you.

I SOrrY, What?

Just joking.
Let's get down
to Ousiness.

(ALL LAUGHING)
Gotena.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
BROOKE: There you are.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
BROOKE: There you are.

We save! you
a Seat in the cari,
lout you never showed.

| usually head over
to the Olive Garden
nO Caro loacl.

I haven't had white sugar
since my first birthday.

DO we Need
e thintervention?

Come on, best way
to tighten up a tummy
is varsity dance team.

The sign-up sheet
just went up.

my mine. KickvAss.

t's like finding out
your best tirlencl's

always been Will Siatth,
you know?

(COMAVEHIINE)

rill, guys. What are you
talking about?

Nothing.

Nothing?
Yealh, Todd, nothing.

All rigint.
Ses you around, guys.

Toelel, wait.

Watteh me ene your life.

Come on. Forget iit.

JUS ONE Of tine clickihneacds
that follows
The Motherfucker on Twitter.

Wino?

‘Tine Motherfucker.
Fe’s some guy

Claiming to oe the world's
first supervillain.

rie’s got 1,000
followers alreacty.

What an assole

(BELL DINGS)
(GIAUINTES))

Uhehuln) Yeainy

You got this, Motnertucker)

You reallly think
he’s got a shot?

nis money if! didn’t.

MMA ts like chess.

t's alll aloout the moves.
And your boy
really knows his stuff.

Time to clie, assnole.

(GRUES)

(GROANS)

mee Om 0
JN l
2
¥
La)

Good job.
Nice jalo, oudelhy.

Come on, stay loose, baloy.
Walk it off, wailk it otf.

ALL: Onl
Chl Ss GROANS ESIMitt!

Oh, you broke my leg!

Come on. Do something.
CHUCK: Let’s take a break.

JAVIER: Yealh, yealn,
let’s take a break,
guys. Come on.

Street rules, bitch)

(GRUES)

Chuck! Get this girl off me!

riley, wnat are you doing?
What are you doing, man?

You aill right, Chris?
You alll right, oudehy?

| was winning.

You know wnat?
Serew this.
NIVESUDCTEOOWCTs

is that Im rien as sinit

riey, you wanna
work for me, huh?

people up for me?

Sines
All right

Let's get you
a mask ane a costume,

ainel we will caill you
Blackdbeatan

Whoa, whoa, you don’t think
that’s just a little
it incredibly racist?

I dont give a shit.

I want you
tO out the wore out

that linn willing
to paly top collar

ror every lhirec|
hitter In town.

Just talk aloout it first,

Money talks.

You wanted me
to be hay Own Man.

wnat it looks like.

All right, alll right,
"ll make some caills.
Yes)

Anyoocy else wanna
a supervillain?

Promise | pay better than
Chuek-littie-click-Liceell.

What cid you caill me?
No, no, man.

Fle took a Init to
the head. Doesn't know
what he’s saying.

BROOKE: I've been studying
privately with Coach Podell.

And by studying,
I mean my mon paid her ot
to make me varsity.

SO, lif you're hall’ decent,
"ll make sure
she puts you on tine tteann.

At least as an aliernarte,

You'd co that ror me?)

BEsties Stick togeuner.

lv Brooke wants 2 Met,
she should just get a dog.

Sine's just trying
to recreate Mindy
in her own image.

All rigint, laclies,
have a seat.
Let's get started.

GH TORIMUSTe TE ANAIN)

COACH: Mindy Macreachy?

Ghill. As long as you
con't fall on your face,
your're in.

Go,

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

POUL EtLACKOrs.

(GRUNTING)

No e8caipe.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(PANTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

FARLOW: Oh, my God.
You could totally
make captain.

That was mMuUcaN
oetior than Brooke's.

Oh, my God.

GIRL: Brooke cloesn't
Stancltanelnalnee)
for captain atter that.

DAVE: A bunen of people
with made-up hanes

standing aroun
in homemace Costumes,

searching tine wel
fOMUMSOWMEOKEIIMES:

Tae Gomie Dook Nneroes
alll have billion-collar bases

and NEACGuUaAners ON tine moon,
lout this is the real world.

Scales, like a red,
wintiie ane blue.
I's awesome.

Winat’s that?
Brick.

RIG,

| think it does the job.

COLONEL: People should get
what they deserve.

lramuly living in tine sireet
eserves 2 hot meal.

An inelboriated college gir
éeserves to make it
home sate at night.

And a pervert, pecoplhile,

cleserves a visit
from Eisenhower.

Schwantz!
CARS)

Ougn.

You cont wanna init
with your closed ‘fist.

You might oreak your hand,
then you're clefenseless.

You wanna init witin
open palm anc pivot.
Open palm and pivot.

Gralo the lack...

DAVE: | never mace
varsity football

Or got Gast in
ine Sehool play.
(ALL CHEERING)

Hell, | never even
mace honor roll,

KAOGCK Out, litte!

Burt irl ad,
! believe it wouldve
ffakt a lot like this.

ALL: When tthe cops
can no longer
protect and serve,

oe warned, mugger,
NeAacCS UD, DSTV.

We got the strength,
we got the nerve

tO give those In need
what they deserve!

Jusitics Forever!

DAVE: We ware in
ine ultimate clique.

lt cent maior that
no one else knew,

Ane we falt like roek stars.

Good night, guys.
Nice job. Battle Guy.

Night, Colonel.
Thanks for everthing.

No, son, thank you.

You sinowec us
that every man can
hmakerenliiienences

Without Kick-A\ss,
none of us would be here.

That's trom the heart.
Don't let it go
to your head.

(SIGrIS)

Som

lr Not reallly that tired.

(MOANING)
Mirnim-mimim?

Minnm. Okay.

Lets leave tne masks On.

Yea.

Yeain|

DAW ERE SoG,
US SOMESRLO MG a

ane! it's not
community service.

We're taking on
some reall acl guys.

What, cant your
ream hanclle it?

iney're Hot you, Minchy.

Remembering Tommy
owns a clry fruit business.

Night Bitten teacnes ballet.

Night Bitten?

What is she?
A superhero
OMMES OFC ONE TOONTOX,

Mayoe a Iittle ott of Ootn.

Oh, God,
you're plugging her?

I'm Gonna vom.

You're like a ninja.

Can't you just snealk ourt
aifter Marcus goes to sleee?

You con't get it, Dave.

Il mace a promise to Mareus.

SO lorealk iit.
You're a superhero,
remember?

Mincy Macreacky's
just a disguise.

Yeah, well, | cont know
what kind of supernero
Night Whore is,

out iif you reallly think
"el ever break my wore,

you Ooviously have
no icea who | am.

| know that making
dance team doesnt make you
stop being who you are.

| know Fit Girl
couldn't give a shit

Aloout wnat
nigh school girls
are inito.

| know that you wouldn't
go on a daite if your litte
clepenced on it.

Go tto hell, Dawe.

Wiha? You know Ir rohit.

Heyl Rod Rage.

Yea.

You wanna take me
On a claite sometime?

Uh, yea.
Sure. Um...

(CHUCKLES)

Creat, un, Simon.

i's 2 catte

Mindy, Im sorry!

Is there a problem, Min?

MIND WAPZETION

| don't like problems.

MIR. LIZEWSKI: Dave, you been
sneaking out at night?

Mrs. Neloert saiicl

she thought she
saw you leaving
at 2:00 in the morning.

Miss Neloert’s crazy, Dal.

She tried to teach
ner cog Soanish.

Are you on clrugs?

Seriously?

| gotta ask.

You're my lest ue
ane you're growing up
Somasis

Pronmiscmme
you're not doing
anything foolish?

Yeain, | promise.

Good enough for me, pail.

(CHUCKLES)

You're too SMart to
do anything stupid.

Justice Forever!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

"rn glace! you got
that out of your system.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, Todd me.
Again. What a loser.

(CHUCKLES)

Duce, now loac-ass
is Colonel Stars
ane Stripes?

Yeah, | still can't oalieve
he’s an excmobd eniorcer.

| mean,
NOWAC ORY OUR OONmeN
to being a superhero?

rie’s a born-again Christian.

Yeah.

can handle tonight.

eloourt to fing out,

rley. Where's the resit
of the team?

Dr. Gravity has the flu,

ane Remembering Tommy
Got Of
tickets, SO...

COLONEL: That's okay.

Five Or US Should co.

Flow clic you saly
this guy mace his money,
sir? Prostitution?

Not just girls. Kids.
Ships them in fron
Millage'sioate kahronne?

BoneneadSiimoltre
take a blind eve.

Flew clo you know
ne’s here tonight?

Because Thursday night
is poker night.

Same five lowelitres
avery week.

Man with a inaloit
aint hare to find.

SO what's the plan?
Are we sneaking in?

| thought we'el Knock.
It’s more polite.

Wine?

Stay frosty, tear.

| usec! to Gat ounKS
like RtiniS#ombneaktasi

Wenovaln's Witness]

ARS REAINGICANTONESS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm sorry, | jus
ZOMe CkOUaOMmanSe COnGF

Dicl you say that
we're going up
against five gangsters?

\ncl bouncer makes six.

Ane! three-quarners.

Winat tine fuek
fio you want? | you want?

Good evening, young man.
We'd like a wore
witin Jimmy Kin.

Hf It'S NOt too Inconvenient

Get the fuck out of here
oeiore | tear your
neacd off, you old tuck.

i SORRY.

| inink we re In troulole,

I just cont unclerstand
why people feel the need

to use that kine
of language.
(GROANS)

Whoal

There he goes.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Battle Guy, what clic!
| tell you about taking
nine Lore’s name in vain?

elsenhower, at tne ready.

Insect Man,
| want you
right behind me.

Everyoody else spread out,
catch the strays.

‘On,

Ane try to have fun,
otherwise what's the point?

Nice party.
Anybody wanna dance?

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(GROANS)

Where are you going?

(ALL GRUNTING)

Behind you!

(GROANS)

Warten tine lirclie,

Winoo!
(GIAUINTES))

(GROANS)

Don't you move.

MAIR TY: Niginit Bitten!
Pahind your | you!

(GRUNTING)

Wert

MARTY: Look out

Okay, | got his right arn.

(GGREAUS)

(GEOKINS)

You know, you shouleln’t talllx
with your mouth full.

ts very rude.
Come on.

(GROANS)

Wino tine hell are you?

We're tne goo guys.

the fucking dead guys.

Eisenhower! Schwantz!
(EISENFOWER BARKING)

(SCREAMING)

GHinleks)

Om

Where are tne girs?

I've got a heart oroblem.

No

Do you want me
to solve that for you?

(EISENHOWER GROWLING)

OKaye
The girls are upstairs
in the apartments.

Mly little lorotner,
ne’s on the till.
Fle’s just a college kid.

Kick-Ass, Night Biten.
On it.

Ral D'Amico Is
gonna ene you for this.

Owl! it hurts]

(LAUGHING) Yeah,
there’s a clog on your balls.

You want money?
There's 50 grand
on the talole.

Please just make Ininn Stop!
Please!
(ESE NTONVERTSONNIEINIS)

Is that what you think?

We're not here
to steal from you.

We're here to send
a message to aill
tine other bottom-chwellers.

We're shutting you clown.
NIGHT BITCH: On.

There's a van
waiting outside from
a battered] women’s shelter.

Kell take you
some place sate.

Go. Go.
We reallly can’t leave.

We have no money.

Battle Guy,
now much they
nave on the table?

Ol, it’s like 50 grand.

You got plenty now!

Tinank you.

COLONEL: Good joo, guys.
(HEROES IEETRING)

Very tidy. Very tichy.

I can't believe you pulled
a gun on that guy.

Were you reallly
gonna shoot him?

é little secret.

Don't tell the bad guys.

Parcon my language, Colonel,
out you have got
some serious balls.

Certainly more
than Mr. (Kin.
(ALL LAUGHING)

(STAMMERS) “There's
a cog on my balls.”

CHRIS: God damn It

Javier!
What happened?

Some clouene just postec
a link to a story
aloout a whoreshouse,

Says that Kick-Ass’
eam took them out.

Winatt the hell?
Where's my crew?

Chris, everybody's just...

(WATER SPLASHING)

Uh, can you ladies
CxCUSeHUSHOMAESeConGY,

Ul, no,
they're my sidekicks.

Thney can listen to
what we have to say.

They're Not
your sidekicks, Chris.

They're prostitutes
AMO MIE SSCSHICOMMERONE

All rigint.
Sorry, ho offianse.

Everyoodly's just too atfiraicl
of your Unele Raloh
to take the job.

Burt he's in prison.

Doesn't matter.
Fle runs the family now.

“Ane! he wants
everyoocy to lay low.

But, fortunately tor you,

Big Tony
cloesn’t know how to
lay low, so he’s iin.

I don't remember
a Big Tony. Is he huge?
He’s ironic.

5 foot 4,
lout mean as Shit,

(GROANS)

Irla’S got sueh a harcd-on
for killing people.

ries Intille ane! he kills.
Right.

Call him “Tne Tumor.”

WNO'S NeXt?

JAVIER: All night, we've got,
uh, an ex-Vinilacd member
looking tor

easy, "Genghis Carnage.”
Come on.

YOU gota Gut witin
the racist stereotypes,
Claris.

/ARGNetypes.
Keep going.

We got, uh,
Katarina Dumbrovski.

Wait, watt. A cnick?

DAWIERSY Can

GHRIS: Seriously,
you hired a chick?

Yeah. Former KGB. She was
locked up in the Gulag
until she atte her cellmate.

Okay. “Mother Russia.”

Mother Russia
anc Motherfucker botin
on the same team?

‘That coesnt work, Claris.

lam not asking tor
SUGCESHOnSieSSiTOley

JUSt get nem Costumes
ane get them reachy!

Siiit

Javier, tinank you.

| couldn't clo this
without you.

You're preity muen like
tine only reall familly
l have left.

Not a problem, mean.
| got your back.

it's kinela like
you're tine Altrec! tto
my evil Bruce Wayne.

Diel you just call me
your fucking butler?

Yealh, is that not
a compliment?

(CHUCKLES)

Sihit. My bad.

DAVE: sere wasn't
much action nights.

I mean, there Was
always a little action
win Night Bitch.

Tine reallisy of being
a Superhero is
OLSHOMOAu OSS

Isut tinat chelnt Stoo eople
begging to join up.

Win all our new me>mnoers,
fhe kinda shitty
not to ask Todd,

Stop peeking, man,
you're gonna ruin it.

Cheek it out,

You can't ight crime in tat.
Your pants are so tight,
you Got firog-eye.

(GIEEMING)
What the hell's
“irog-eye"?

Male camel toe.
What?

I'a not reallly sure aloout
these names, either.
MVWhup-Ass,” “Kick-Ass-Man.”

"Dr. Kick-\ss"?
Yea.

Yealn, tay all
kinda seen cerivative.

MARI Y: Let me translate tat,

You can't just
copy Dave's name,
you knob-gobbler.

Okay. Um...

Un

Oh, wait. Oh, | got tt.

I got it. | got It.

PASS KIGKOT. |

Seriously?

You're sucn a click, Mary:

I know tihnis is
why you guys aren't
taxting me back,

lim not an actual icliot

Well, you could have
froole¢] me, Ass-Licker.

Yealh, well,
(LAUGHING) Todd...

No, reallly.
PUCK YOU GUYS.

I'm gonna go ‘ine
my own tear.

voce. Wait. Come on:

(SIGrIS)

DAVE: rodd was night,
we were being cieks.

But ine irutin is,
ine only person

/ really wanted on
tine team was Minely,

lout She WAS too busy
irying NOt to be a superhero.

Okay, Min, he’s here.

Your first lg dette.
How are you feeling?

Like the tirst time
Big Dadely sent me into

a crack clen witin nothing
put a penknife.

ve got some buitterilies.

You just be yourseli
ane you let me be nervous.

Don't worry alooult me.
1 can kill a man
with his own finger.

AA worel Or acivice,
| wouldnt open with that.
(CHUCKLES)

Thanks for letting me
finally take you out.

Well, uln,

how else was
I gonna get you
to Stoo calling?

TAAAKS.
VYourre welcome.

(ENGINE STARTS)

MINDY: Where are we going?

SIMON: To a parity.

Winy is this party tin
tne middle of nownere?

Because that’s where
Keg parties usually are,
right?

Guess we're
nine first ones here.

Tins isnt where you
have a parity, moron.

Tinls Is wnere you
dump a cead bocly.

Winatt’s your problem?

i SORRY.

lll stop being such a bitten.

You actually seen
like a nice guy.

(CHUCKLES)

SO, UMM...

You wanna hook up?

Ane] 2 total icliot

(QUSTEINTS)

Simon, get back
in the car,

Now|

Yay, you mace itt.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)
BOOKEY,

Tinis is to celeoraire you.

Celebrate?

Winat a total loser you are.

Ane] we clitten losers:

What cid you think?

‘Tine Cool kicls
something special in you

and invited you
tO your first party

where you'el sip
your first beer

ancl rinally suck race
for the first time?

Newsilash,
you're Not special.

PUGK with tine queen bee
ane you're gonna get stung.

BOTH: Daite cliten.
(ALL CHEERING)

Party att my housel

GIRL: Paitinettic.

BIROOKE: Simon,
you can drive us.

(ENGINE STARTS)

GREATEST PAVING

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

DeWwer

Oh, my Godll Mindy?
Holy shit.
What are you doing?

Just neecec to see
my Robin, | guess.

Are you oxay?

riey, hey, Ney.

(SOBBING)

| cont know wnat to clo,

Those Girls, they're...

It's just high senool.
Who gives a shit?

You should oe out there
in the real world
making it a betier place.

Dave, | can't.

| know,
you promised your dad.

But NE'S hot here anymore.

This Is your litte.
You've gota live fit.

riow am | supposed
no face them tomorrow?

I'm SO emloarrassecl,

Winy?

You're smart.
You're beautiful.
You're funny.

(xaTABES)

You're the strongest person
I've ever met.
You can do anything.

And you're Irlit Girl.
(GIVES)

Doesn't matter Ii
you're wearing a mask
or makeup,

it's wino you reallly are,

‘SO what should | clo?
Cut their tongues out?

Nol Definitely not,

(CHUCKLES)
I'm fucking with you.

WUSt OSatt tinenn
at their own game.

By oeing yourseli.

BROOKE: Well, if you
really wanna be popular,

consicer two lite worels,
"sex," “tape.”

Lois, you con't
neecl these ax wounds.

If | can dress
like them, SO Gan you.

It's a oie trom
some drug dealer
who went missing.

BROOKE: Just because
VOUKCESSHIKERUSS

cloesn't mean you
can be like one of us.

It Coesn't matter
what costume | wear,
yours or fine,

I'm 2 SupSFNerO.
That's who | arn.

Captain Mutifin-Muncher,

nave fun playing
make-believe.

Tinls is alll make-oelieve,
Brooke.

The realty is
you're an evil loitteh

Wwno's just as lac as
the worst criminal scum.

You wanna get reall, Miiney?
In the real world, | win.

| go to an awesome college,
l marry a hot guy

anc | make acoralole

oaloles ror my nanny
to take care of
while we vacay in Paris.

Mly life is gonna rock
ane yours is gonha suck.

Ane no matter
OWES UI AV OURCIESSS

no looy Is ever gonna
wanna kiss that hole
you call a moutin.

SO why cont you spare us
alll the whining
andl slit your wrists now?

"Cause the onlly thing
that’s gonna ruin my day

Is looking at your face
one more second.

(CHUCKLES) Damn.

BROOKE: What's that?
A ghetto cell phone?

(GASPS) Gonna caill tor
help with a come-back?
Fim.

Actually, my claclely bougintt
this from a cisgrunitied
DARPA employee.

You see, it was
cesigned tor control,
out deemecl too severe.

kt emits a pulse
that spontaneous
nausea and diarrhea.

(CRHIUGKLES) He called it
Mine sick stick.”

Eltner your cacicly
got ripped off,

or you're bac In
make-believe land,
SWeeliInealite

lDecause we feel faloulous.

Not ror long.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, my Goel

You get away tron me.
Please, you win.

I dont wanna win.
| just want to make
the world a better place.

(ALL GASP)

Dac?

You home? |IDac?

Is this whet
you've been UP to

white I'm out working nights
saving for your college?

You've been dressing up
and fighting people?

Tinere Is lolooe! on
these stick things.

What are you coing
In may room?

| was looking ror drugs.

| WAS Worried! aloout you.

Okay, good.
NOWNOUICATESLOO

NOMINGWaliinkevien
more worried.

clrugs would have been better.

Tinis is deranged.

Whoa. Some people
clo a lot worse.

Oh, the people
you hang out with?
NOY

The people | hang out
with are superheroes.

such thing, Dave.

This ts tine real world
with real consequences.

When are you
gonna grow up?

tuming into you, never.

| dont wear tine mask
pecause I'rn ashamed!
of who | am.

Not like you.

What's that Supposed to mean’?

lf you're NOt ak Work,
you're here doing crunches.

Why? So you can
lOOKElikE ES one onexelSer,

Mayoe get a few more years
of doing nothing?

Your lite has
ho meaning, Dad.

When you're gone,
who's gonna notice?

Winere tine nell
are you going?

Oh, ul, I'm leaving.
That's what you co
when you grow Up.

Did he say why
Ne wanted to see me?

JAVIER: When your
Unele Ralph calls,
| don’t ask questions.

Jusit tne Kid

Claris, just oe cool
ane you'll be fine.

RALPI: Hey, how you doing?

Good, Unele Ralloh.

Listen, Chrissy,
things have been tough
all around since your dad,

Well, | been trying
tO get the farnnilly back
on track from in here.

They recorel
these things.

| Know, It's tine.

The Warden's a pall.
INOWAIIStEMRONMES

nave a bit of fun,

lOunt you can't go hiring
a gang of heavy hitters.

Javier sinoule
nave tole you.

No, it doesn't matter.

Unele Rallpin,
| am gonna make Kick-Ass
pay for what he clic to us.

Chrissy, you neec!
to forget that punk.

t's more important
that you stay out of this.

You're not like me,
or your dad, you're, ul...

You can't tell me
what to co anymore.

| KNOW Wino || a OWA

Ane] wino's iinet?)

Tihne Motnertucker,

(COMAVEHIINE)

You think you're
the big bad guy, huh?

Let me show you what
real evil looks like.

WAVER: Hello?

Javier, what's going on?

Chris, what's up?

What are you doing
on Lou’s phone, huh?

ne toilet again?

Everyining Okay?

(GROANS)

(JAVIER CHOKING)

(DYING GASP)

Thank you for that.
Inecedecsita

ror what comes Next

Don't oe stupiel, Chris.

JUS Get Ou Of town
for a while.
Go to college or something.

Why? You just taught me
everything | needled to know.

COLONEL: Vollal

Presio and elegant, dann.
Them boys cesigned
a very tasty logo.

(CARES)

What's the mater, girl?
You hear something?

Gome on, let's go see.
Conlexon!!

(CARING)

Anybody out ners’?

I dont see anytning.

Gonna have to stay in there
until you calm down,
you lunatic.

(EISENTOWER BARKING)

| woncler what's
lpothering you.

| Know. Tonight you alle.

Ladies first

You will not shoot me,

You are supernero.
You help people.
You co not hurt tien.

That's supervillain
territory.

Or as | like to
call my little gang,

the Toxic Mega-Cunts.

ill

(CLICKS)

Yeain, like your head.

(GROANS)

(ALL LAUGHING)
(CARING)

(GROANS)

(GGREAUS)

Ooh, it's gotta hurt!

(GROANS)

did my homework
on you, Colonel.

Sal Bertolini, didnt you?

Dicl a vew joos ror my cac
pack in the day,
lpefore you got “bor again.”

| used to hang with
2 lot of losers.

Is this how you
thought you'd die, Sal?
Dressed like an idiot?

(EISENTOWER BARKING)

Wino are you supposed ito be?

rin Tine Motnerucker!

And I'm here
to end KKick-Ass.
Not just kill hin.

lam gonna shit on
everything that he loves.

(GROANS)
Let's trash
this place, guys.

GEIRIS: “Miranda Swacllow"?

Wino's that, Sal?
She one of the whores
on your team?

(GRUNTING)

Night Biteh alll
SMUG OECRUORONMICKEASSS

Looks like our boy's
got a new hot pocket.

Want me to kill his dog?

The dog? Jesus Clirist,
Mn not that evil.

Cut the old man’s head off.
(GNSS)

You guys hungry?
rm starving. Come on.

Pizza, Can We Jet pizza?

We're Getting olzza.

Don't worry,
1 kill you first.

(GROANS)

(CARING)

JUStiGs FOr..|

VEL.
(NECK SNAPPING)

A Brooklyn resident
was found cecapliated
last night.

According to Twitter,
aman claiming to be

ine world's
first supervillain...

| tole you, no TV.
You're grounded, remember?

| mace you a promise,

out | can't keep
peing someone Irn Not.

| have to sitop it.

Minely, wnat you cid to
those girls at school
was unacceptable.

You coule! have
reallly hurt them.
You're right, | could have,

our insiteacl | sent then hore
with tummy-aches.

BOO-fUCKING-NOO.

I don’t get it.
‘This obsession that you have
with revenge is not healthy.

Ir you clon’t let me
ancl the police co our jobs,

tinere Is gonna loe nothing
that | can co for you.

You're never gonna
have a normal litte

end up like your father.

Nareus, they cut
a guy's head off.

Wiho else is going
tO Stop then?

iKigkAss? You?

YOu go to your roon
and clo your homework.

Now|

TOMMY'S MUM: Fey, guys,
we're signing a sympathy care
ONmt NE RCO) OMEIESESISICTE

You wanna go 5 bucks each
we can send flowers
from the team?

Did you guys
The Motheriucker’s
Twitter page?

Who Is this guy?
Ane what's his
oroblem with us?

I don't know,
out he has got some
elephant-sized baills.

rie’s been bragging on
the web aloout what
they did to the Colonel.

Can that oe tracac!?

| tree).
Fiis IP address is masked.

Allll right, here's
wnat we're gonna co.
We're gonna organize a fight.

There are a lot of guys
online who said they're
in if we need them.

Are you kidding me?
This isn"t West Stony.

We clicln’t join up
to be in a gang.

We cliel this
we Gould helo people.

Snannon's right.
We need to leave
this to the cops.

We letter start
walking in pairs.

Motnerucker's tweeirec!
that the Colonel was
just the beginning.

Anyoody seen Night Bitch?

(WHIRIRING)

(WHIRIRING)

sne’s on that team?

Stupid gasin
on her superhero page
that she’s dating Kick-Ass.

SO, yeah,
mn dann sure.

Hallo, Night Bitten!

Oh, She wants to take
the party upstairs.

We're gonna have a parry,

SNe closed the cloor.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GGREAUS)

(LAUGHS)

Don't worry, carling,
ra not gonna kill you.

I want you to give a message
to your boyiiriend.

(GROANS)
(YELPS)

Come on, wriggly.

NIGHT BlTChi: Let gol

You're clone banging
superheroes, balby.
(GERWINEES)

K's time to wnat
evil diek feels like.

(GROANS)

(UNZIPS)

Siiit

THE TUMOR: What's wrong?

What are you doing?

(GROANS)

(PANTING)
Come on!

God, okay, I’ just...
mn not in the mood.

I guess evil click
reels limp.

Further, Bacll

BLACK DEATH: Cops are coming.
(SIRENS WAILING)

Leave it to Mother Russia.
She makes 10 times
WiNAt We Clo.

Piray thousand a week.
Plus exoenses.

rey, watten ourtl

(BOTH GROANING)

30TH: Wowl

(GRUES)

(SIRENS WAILING)

REVERSERNEREVERSENI

(GROANS)

(GRAKESISOREE@H)

Dont movel Freeze!

(GROANS)

Piny thousand.
She's worth it,

(GRUES)

(GROANS)

(WHIRIRING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Whoa, winoal!
Why are they backing up?

Winy is there a lewmmower
on the trunk?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Wow!

(SIREN WAILING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

We need back-up,
eight men clown.

I think you mean 10.

Let's bounce! Put
tne wore! out Irn
oullding an evil army.

All pSsychopaiins
ANCHE XECOMSEWE COME.

I don't think you're
gonna have a problem
when people hear albout this.

(CHUCKLES)

They just clisapeearec!?

Allll they have to clo is
take oi? their masks,

No One's gonna recognize
them ones they're back
in their street clotines.

Your attention, please]

recs traced tine IP acdclresses
ror all those
other costumed freaks.

We got every law
enforcement agency

In the state working
no hit them at once!

Why is Kick-Ass
on this list?

lis cloes
community service.

I don't give a shit.
Anyone wearing a mask
is getting detained.

We're putting an end
to this tonight!

DAVE: A lot of people said
ine COPS were
heavy-hanced that night.

ISU YOU Goma out it
into Context.

Tine police chant mine!
our real life superhero siuiir

as long as we ware
pieking up litter

or helloing old ladies
ChOSSHUNEESINC CIs

But suddenly i was Serious.

Sud¢denly we represented
everything that was
WOO MILES OCC

(GROANS)

Dad had warned me
that the real
had real Consequences.

As they pulled up,
he must have been feeling
pretiy damn vindicated.

Oh, shit, Dave.
What have you cone?

(BANGING ON DOOR)

OFFICER: Police, open up.
(BANGING CONTINUES)

ill

UA, uln, it’s me, Kick-Ass.

Wow,

You're actually prety cure
uncer that mask.

(SIGrIS)

' SO SOMKY
aloout what happened.

Don't be,

ts my own raul.

We're gonna tind
these assholes
and make this right.

What's the point?

| mean,
we're reallly superheroes

AOOut as MUGA as
we're really dating.

We clon’t even know
each other's names.

| think it's time
to get back
no tine reall world.

| thought we were trying
to make it a better place.

Than way Is ht worse?

DAVIE: Mayoe Night Biel
was right,

wnicn means Dad was, 100.

| mean, things hac
gottion out of hand.

Mayoe it was anne
fOr Me tO Stop Grashing
at Marty's

and start apologizing.

(CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO)

Dac?

That's my dad.

Your cacl’s Kick-Ass?
What?

Yealn, he just
gave himself up.

You cont unclerstand.
He’s doing this
tO Protect me.

Datel

Datel

(ENGINE STARTS)

(GEE TONEININGING)

Dave?

| neeel your help.
My dad's been arrested.

They think he’s Kick-Ass.
Cap oOuRrallke@vomViancusy,

(SIGHS) Inn grouncled.
SO?

| can’t get involved.

Look. Wait a second.
/ wish | Gould help.

MARGUS: Miinely!
Are you on the phone?

LOOK, | gotta go, okay?)

I'm Sorry, Dave.

Mindy, weit, welt

(SIGrIS)

DAVE: Fey, what ine hell
ware you thinking?

Yeain, | could ask you
the same thing.

| cant believe
you lied to them.

I wasnt gonna clo nothing
while you went to fail.

| Ghose tihis.
You should let me cdeall
with the consequences.

| thought you
wanted me to grow up.

Yeah? Wien you get
a kid of your own one day,
you'll understand.

ra gonna tell them
nine truth.

Kell just make things worse.

Look, | spoke
to my attiomey.
(SNIFFLES)

re said they gotta
let me out by tomorrow.

No actual crime
was connmititecl.

There are people out there
who wanna Kill KiekvAss.

Well, tne Cops are out
there looking for them,

tne Safest place
vor Kick-Ass is right here,
locked! away.

I dont know
now you got into
alll this shit, out

yOu gotta promise me
you will never dress up
In that outiit again.

DO you hear me?

| promise.

Tinis evil lair owns!

Do people still
say that, "own"?

Yeain, Of course.

Something's wrong.

Think you used
the wrong kine of water.

What tne hall, Eyal?

It’s fine, Claris.
They're supposed to lie
at tine bottom of the tank.

I's just their way of,
now you Sely,

Settling into
nhneir environment,

Don't me
on this, okay?

You saiic] we'el oe
reacly in two days,

we clont even have
a men’s roon yet.

Don't WOK.

Winatt's witha
the bags of shit?

t's fertilizer
for the bombs.

You're hot a supervillain
if you cont have a plan
to clestroy the city.

ht Wall NOt WOrK.
You need a chemical kind.

DO | have to clo
everything myseli?
NUSt fixe itl

You must relax.
Everything is going
as planned.

Mim, no. No.
except it's not, okay?

That sac] sack
ISHMOMKGCKENSS?

I've seen KKick-/A\ss,
ne’s like my age.

Guy's ole enougin
to foe his fatiner.

No shit, right.

CHRIS: Pn sorry,
win are you?

I, un, volunteerec
vor your evil army,
like the others.

Right. | appreciate that.
Thanks for joining
tine Cause.

This is the VIP area
ror the Gore group.

| just thought
it was funny
you sac that.

Kick-Ass’ father.

Wino?

He's Kick-Ass’ dad.

(CRHIUGKLES) Yeah.
You're not gonna
tell anyone, are you?

(CHUCKLES) No.

But yOu, my trend,
nave just cared

liteStiqeyaccess
to my VIP area.

CO take a lititie seat,

riley, get tine kic]
a Prappuccino,

nen purt his litle
DUM ASSHOACKSOMVONKe

(GiOVERINEINS)

Comeron!

Can | helo you?

Tne Motherfucker
WARS US to take
@ picture with you.

Kt helps that my cae
is a really good! lawyer.

(CELL PFIONE CHIMES)
Because | don't
think my beautiful ass

would last
long in prison.
(CHUCKLES)

Whoa, that’s weird.
Chris D'Amico just
texcted me a picture.

Rec Mist? Whatever
napoened to that quy?

MAIR IY: Winatt Is. ir?)

Dude, what's wrong?

(SOBBING)

Winatt is it?

(GROANS)

DAVIE: Ine next few days
joassed lin a tog.

lt Chala maker
that 0
une police about Chris,

ney Couldn't itine! nin.

Vine Cops cid show up
at Dad's tunerail,

Not out oF respect,

lout because they ware scared
something would happen.

ly clad was a clecent main.

All ne ever Clidl WAS tiny
and Give me a good lire,

and I tole hina
AO one would notice
when he was gone.

| love you, pail.

| love you, too, Dad.

YOu guys came.

We'd love to help you
track clown this
Chris D’Arnico d-bag, but

we just got out on parole.

No, that's tine.

I'm not looking
vor revenge.

Last thing | promised
my cad was that | was
gonna give this up.

That's exactly
what I'm gonna clo.

But you stared this.

Now Inn emdling) tt.

(SNIFFLES)

Dave, I'm SO Sorry.
Do you hatte me
ror not helping?

Se) [little loft,

You were rigint.
You gave it up.

lif | nae, too,
my dad would
Still oe alive.

The only person
| blame is myself.

Lets co tis!

Get cown|

(GROANS)

COUCHES)

Mindy!

Spread out!

KINDISTINGT SHOUTING)

Keeao your head down

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

(GROANS)

DIR. GRAVITY: Come on!

(SCREAMING)

Whoa, whoa, winoall

Get hina
(VAN STARTS)

Get that van over here!

riunry ul

COUCHES)

Milne
ye

Mindy!

Milne
ye

(GRESSEREECHINS)

You Gotta out this on.

' NOt Gonna clo It.

There's nothing ler
you Gan co to hurt me.
(LAUGHING)

You wanna bet?

(GUNSHOT)

Winoal Winoa!

Game on, cocksuckers!

There's girl on the root

(GRUNTS)
(HORNS BLARING)

She's still up there!

(SCREAMING)

(VELPING)

I thini | got her!
Goreiecd

(GRUES)

(GRUNTS)
(YELLS)

GeWouidiitenc!

(HORNS HONKING)

Move your head.

(GRUNTING)

(GGREAUS)

Pull Over, OUloe-iace.

(xaTABES)

We know Claris D'Annico
is The Motherfucker.
Where is he hiding?

art 2 CICK

if you don't start talking.

Go aheacl ane shoot me,
you little bitch.

There's nothing
you can do that would
make me talk. (GROANS)

Look, hole on.
| can’t clo this right now.
K's my dacs funeral.

Dave, your tatiner loved you.

Just like my caddy loved me.
Ane! | know it hurts,
but mayoe,

MAaVvoe that's
the real meaning
of being a superhero.

Is taking that pain
and turning it
into something good.

Something right.

Remember wnat
you tole me?

This Is your litte.
You've gota live fit.

Now helo me tind some pliers.
I'm gonna make this guy
eat nis own click.

Seriously?

(CEEIOVERIIES)

MINDY: Marcus?

Mindy. What's going on?
Are you okay?

rn Wine.

The Motherfucker’s hicing.

rle’s recruiting
an army of supervillains
ane making homnemace bombs.

Marcus, ne wants wo
burn the ety down.

You promised me.

I know you ime
as this litte girl,
out I'm not ane | never was.

Youre right

Daelcy chid take
my Childhood away,

lout Ia NOt SO sure
inal was a bac thing).

Mareus, he gave me a git,

a git that | can't
no matter how hare | try.

Ane! | cont need
iO Spend the next
four years of my life

eryIng "Oo rigure out
who | ann

lpecause | alreacy know.

| posited the ac¢ress.
Do you think
they'll show?

Chris has an arnny.

Tinese reall litte
super

nave been waiting
their whole lives
for a call like this.

Are you oxay?

What? Yeah, no...
an ine.

hieney

Take tins.

"Last resort
really isn“t my style.

Dave, this isnt a comic
OOK. Real people are
going to die tonight.

My caddy was preparec!
ror anything.

Yea

| arn

QP SWNGECOMVERS TONS)

They siroulle
back by now!

BLACK DEAT RI
it’s definitely dead.

Says on the Intemet
you're Supposed tto keep
them in fresh water.

it is just hungry.
We must feed it,

looking at me?

(GRUNTS) We gotta
get this shit started.

Oh, yeah. rave | got
ES OM MOM OUROILEMES!

(FIP-FIOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: (GRANTING)
Motherfucker,
Motherfucker...

A rigylntc
panty people!

Kill Kick-Ass,

ne Vary first SUPeTIero,
rogetner.

We are gonna cut him up
into little places,
feed that shit to MC Shari

ane! Oost it
all over YouTube.
For reall

(GEEERINS)

rie’s kidding, night?

Mothneriucker clon it Kid.

That's mot it.
I'm gonna give each
and every one of your

parity tavor
fertilizer bombs!

And we are gonna
get our riot on!

TNAaACS WNAL lit
Means to be evil.

Wa, my tirends,
are tne real 1%,

ane tonignt we are
gonna tuck this city up
Or my name IS not...

DAVIE: Chris D’Amico)

(MUSIC STOPS)

That is not my name;

(ALL MURMURING)

No, you're right.
Your new name’s
Little Bitten.

(WAUEEING)

Oh, this is periect.

that siupla?

nere’S two of you
and a whole anny of us.

Do you really have
such a hard-on to die?

MUINIDY: Nod

That's way we
brought our tirlenes.

What's the matter, Chris?
Shit hit your shorts?

Yealn, and I'm gonna
wipe my ASS
with your face.

what you clic to my cad.

Your cael?
You blew up my dad
with a2 bazooka.

BYNGKGUMSHO

CUSEOURINE)

(GRUNTING)

(GGREAUS)

little girl?

I might be tl have to
Keep looking att that
shit-siain you call a face.

(GROANS)

(GOEMESUNS)

(SIGrIS)

role) him clown.
|] wanna what
Anis guts look like.

That's enough
trom you boys]

(GRUNTING)

Nicely cone, sweetheart.

That alll you got?

No, | got my letnall
2eaTo G device.

Sullisintit

No sintt

(DEVICE POWERS UP)

(CHUCKLING EVILLY)

Are you oxay?

(SUPERVILLAIN VOMITING)

Yealn. Mhanks.
Ass Kicker.

Nice,

(BOR! GRUNTING)

(BONES CRACKING)

(GGREAUS)

(ViELLS)

(GGREAUS)

(ViELLS)

Jesus, you are
SUCIRENOUSSYA

Winat is the point
of wearing a mask iif you
can't do what you want?

(YELPS)

(GEOKINS)

We want to do good.

No, people want
to win tine lottery.

(SCREAMING)

People want to Mex
Scanlen@onvanssonr

You think you can kill me
with litte needle?

(EXHALES SOFTLY)

(GASPING)

That's Not wait it's for.

GRUMES)
(GROANS)

acrenaline, bitch.

(GROANS)

Winalt Was tate,
Some cheap shot?

TAAL WAS TOF
tne Colonel.

Ania!

That's for Nignt Bitten,

And that's ror my cal.

(GLASS CRACKING)

(GGREAUS)

(GRUNTING)

(GEEAMINGIRUSSIANY)

(GROANS)

Winat tine nell
are you doing?

Saving your whiny ass]

Ne!

I won't let you
nave this.
I'd rather die!

What is wrong with you, cluce?
This is not a comic book,
it's reall life!

When you're cead,
it’s cone.
There’s no sequel.

You mace this real.
You started it!
Ane I'm gonna finish it.

Ml be immortal,
like an evil Jesus.

Wert!

(SCREAMING)

(xaTABES)

(GASPING)

rin alive. (LAUGHS)

Dave, lI' SO SONY.

(ViELLS)

DAVE: The reeling
Waswindesenilbales

Chris D'Amico, dead.

Irlis wannabe supervillains,
cleieatedl.

But cid we make
tii) a bettier place?

Or cid we just iinish
something that began when
first put on this mask?

Ihe GOS are Coming.

TOMMY"'S MUM
They'll take care
of the bad guys.

We loetiter skeclacielle
afore thoy get hare they get here.

We clic] tit

PUGK, yealln.

riley, language.

You're right, iv we're
gonna cress like heroes,
we should act like heroes.

Fle'd lo proud
of you, Dave.

Fle’el be proud
of all of us.

do this again, right?

IiSYOVETA

One last time.
Come on.

Fiit Girl? Are you in?

Why the hell nor?

JALIL: Justice Forever!

(@XqiANEES))
Thanks for tine rice.

lll See you at SGnool.

New York, Dave.

| can’t go home.
| can’t put Marcus
in that position.

Why? Fle won't arrest you.
You just tine elity.

Yealn, welll,
l also killed six guys
with a Gop’s gun.

Vigilantes con't
get a Oass.

People need you.

They've got you Now.
Mindy... (LAUGHS)

lima Not like you.

You cont have to be
€ OAC-ASS tO
a superhero, Dave.

You just have to be brave.

Winat was tina?

That was my first kiss.

Be hice
or I'll rio your ass
Out through your moun.

DAVE: When Mincly leit

mars wnen
I finally unclerstood
where my lite was going.

Just like it nad to
eventually happen,

nat real people woul)
ry to be superheroes.

leveniuallly
it had to end, too.

SUPSTNETOSS Gant Exist
fin the reall
for a FeaSONn.

it's because
linewmed|
necdsmeakihenwes

And not punk
in a weit-sut
playing dress-up,

lout a Genuine LaCkaSS
who can reallly kick ass.

GHIRISHEAOY

IPiaase. Don't Go.

(GROANS)

Is anyoodly tere?

(GROANS)

riello?

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS) Some help, please?

A shark font my
fucking dick off and
| cant get some water?

(GRUNTING)

GRAINS)