All language subtitles for Young and Hungry s05e18 Bullseye.eng

♪♪

Josh, can you believe
we're going on a double date?

You like Nick, right?

-Who?
-(laughs)

You mess this up
and I'll kill you.

Um, they have had five dates,
very successful sex,

and she really thinks
this could go somewhere,

and it's very, very important
to us that you like him.

Yes, because one day,
me and Nick will live next door to you and Gabi,

so...
(laughs)

What are you, seven?

Look, if you like him,
I like him.

-I like him.
-(doorbell rings)

(gasps)
Oh! Josh, you get the door,

'cause you know,
I don't live here, you live here.

(laughs)
I'll just, uh, stand here and try to look casual.

-Hey, Nick.
Good to see you again, man. -Hey, good to see you, too,

but I am here
to see her.

I love you.

Hey, I'm gonna,
open this up for ya.

Oh, you are so beautiful.

Oh, damn it.

I broke the cork.
Can you hand me that knife?

Dude, you're gonna
shove the cork into the wine?

Trust me,
it's the only way.

Do you mind?

No, go for it.
Not gonna work.

What you wanna do
is take the corkscrew... (blows)

...go at it
from an angle.

You wanna just...

gently engage the cork
as much as you can.

-And... boom.
-(cork pops)

And that is exactly
why we have successful sex.

Hmm. Wow, Nick!
That is genius!

(laughs)
Genius is a little bit of an overstatement.

I mean, we're talkin'
about a cork, people.

It's a trick I learned
because my grandfather owns a winery.

Oh, sweet.
I own my own one.

-Okay!
-(clinks glasses)

Why don't we pour some?

Uh, actually,
with all the angling of the corkscrew

and whatnot,
we don't have time,

'cause we'll miss
our reservation.

Uh, do you guys care
if we take my Ferrari?

Sorry, the back seat's
a little small.

Even better for us.

I love you.

(theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby,
ooh, baby ♪

♪ Baby, I like that
ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

I can't believe we've been
here an hour and no guy has approached me.

Yolanda, it's still early.

People aren't drunk enough, yet.

Maybe it's us.
I bet we're scaring guys off

'cause they think
we're straight.

Excuse me. Are you
HotChocolate335?

-Oh, I'm sorry--
-From HeyCupid. I'm OpenHeartedSurgeon9.

-Oh, I think you've got--
-A medical degree!

-Uh, but I'm not--
-Shut up, HotChocolate.

He's fine.

You're right.
And hopefully,

that nine means
what I think it means.

Hey!

Hey, Nick, why don't
you get us a table,

and I'll get us some drinks.

You got dinner.
I can get the drinks.

Okay. I'll get us a table.

I know the owner,

so I can probably swing a booth.

You don't know
the owner of this bar.

-I know of the owner.
-Oh.

Okay, Josh,
this has to stop.

You've been trying to compete
with Nick all night.

-Oh, he started it.
-I don't care who started it.

All right? I need you
to be the bigger man.

Shouldn't be too hard.

I got like half a foot
on that guy.

Okay, so I ordered
wine for the ladies, bourbon for me,

and, Josh, I took
a shot in the dark

and went with an appletini.

-Oh, teeny, like your--
-Bigger man, bigger man.

So...

Oh, they've got darts.

Darts! Darts are fun.

-Isn't this great?
-Mm.

I mean, Sofia and I
have always fantasized

about having boyfriends
at the same time,

and now that it's happening,
it's just so, hmm, nice.

Isn't this nice?

-Cheers to us!
-Oh, uh, we don't have drinks to cheers with.

Probably would if we ordered
from the waitress instead of the bartender, though.

-Nope, the bar's
always faster. -Is it?

'Cause, uh, what's missin'?
Ooh, I'll give you a hint.

Actually, I think you drink
an appletini like this.

Okay, drinks. How about,
uh, we go get the drinks.

Sofia, you wanna
go get the drinks?

Gabi and I are gonna
get the drinks.

(sighs) Oh my God,
this is a nightmare.

Gabi, our boyfriends
hate each other.

Yeah, I know.
I don't get it.

I mean, they have so much
in common.

They're both smart
and successful and cute.

On paper, it seemed like
they'd get along great.

-What happened
between the paper and now? -So much!

But I think it all started
with that corkscrew thing.

Oh, I know. I mean,
what was Josh's problem?

Nick was just tryin'
to help him, and then he just got all weird.

If by "help him"
you mean that show-offy, smug presentation

where he lectured Josh
on how to remove half a cork?

You wanna talk
about show-offy?

You think it was
really necessary for Josh to order

a bottle of wine
from his own vineyard at dinner?

Huh. Well,
it's not Josh's fault

his wine is on the menu
of every fine restaurant

in San Francisco,
unlike Nick's grandpa's wine,

which I didn't see listed
anywhere.

Too bad we didn't go
to the airport strip club,

where they probably
have it on the bar gun.

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

Oh, thank God.
Drinks are here.

So, I was just about
to ask Josh how you guys met.

Ah! Well, Josh needed
a chef, we got together and now we're here.

-If only it was that short.
-You're short.

No, no, no.

It was actually, uh,
a lot more romantic than that.

Gabi and I had instant chemistry
from the moment we met.

Unfortunately, we weren't ready
to be together right away.

So, over the course
of the next three years,

we'd get nice and close,
then we'd get ripped apart.

Then we'd get close again,
and we'd get ripped apart again, until one day,

fate tapped us on the shoulder
and said, "Josh, Gabi, the time is now."

Remember what we said?
Shall we say it together?

-I love you.
-(clears throat) I'm ready to go.

Oh, you know, that's
so different from me and Sofia.

I mean, when I first met her,
there was no getting close or ripped apart stuff,

I mean, I didn't need
three years to think about it.

Hm. You know, good things
come to those who wait.

I don't like waiting.
I knew the moment I saw her, we were gonna be together.

Gabi and I had sex
on the first night.

Sofia, will you move in
with me?

-What?
-What?

See? I told you this guy will do
anything to one-up Josh.

Nick, I would love
to move in with you.

(giggles)

Okay, Sofia would never
move in with a guy after five dates.

I mean, she's too rational
and level-headed and boring for that.

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

She's never gonna move in
with him.

Damn right she's not!

Why is she not?

Because they're bluffing,
and we're gonna call their bluff.

Hell yeah, we are!

How are we gonna do that?

By offering to help them
move in together, this weekend.

Pfft! Are you crazy?
I hate helping people move.

We're never gonna have to.
The minute we suggest that they move in together

that quickly, they're both
gonna back out.

Now, are we done
talkin' about this?

-Yes.
-Good.

-Can I tell
you a secret? -Yes.

I often enjoy
a good appletini.

Good morning, HotChocolate!

How'd it go
with the doctor?

Ha ha. Well, he made
a follow-up appointment.

I've heard of Doctors
Without Borders, but never Doctors Without Standards.

What he means is,
yay you, Yolanda.

-Yay.
-Yay, nothin'.

Last night
we talked about him.

Next time, we're gonna
have to talk about her.

I mean me.
HotChocolate.

I just looked at HeyCupid,
and it turns out this bitch, HotChocolate, has got

a double degree
in Greek philosophy and Old English poetry!

Oh, no worries, Yo-Yo.
Elliot majored in literature.

And I haven't worked
in a couple years, so I've had time

to read ten philosophy books.
We can teach you!

How the hell am I supposed
to learn all that crap before my next date?

I know!
How about we pull a Cyrano?

I don't do that
on my first date!

Wait. What's that?

It's where we tell you
what to say.

(groans) If I wanted to help
an old woman get into bed, I would've majored in nursing.

What the hell is this?

Oh! Sorry! Uh, hi!
(laughs)

We were just about
to have moving day sex.

You'll know one day.

(quietly) Okay, you said
they were bluffing.

This doesn't look like bluffing.

Don't worry,
it'll happen any minute, trust me.

Why don't you grab a box
and bring it down to the curb?

All right, Nick.
We'll "grab a box and bring it down to the curb."

-Uh, wait.
-Here we go.

Is there, uh...
Is there somethin' you wanna tell us, Sofia?

Yeah, there is. I'm kind of
just realizing it now.

Hey, Nick, could you
come out here for a second?

Well, I just wanna say,
you know, obviously last night, you know,

didn't really
go as planned, and for you guys

to come over here
and help us move, and, I don't know,

start this new phase
in our lives, it really means a lot to me.

And?

And, um...

I took the waffle iron.

(scoffs)
I can't believe this.

When it's right,
it's right.

Oh, I'm really gonna
miss this place.

-And Gabi?
-Yeah?

If you need me
to pay rent next month, I will.

That would be good.

Okay!

Ooh! Well, bye!

Wow, were we wrong!

I can't believe this, Josh.
This is really happening.

I mean, they met each other,
they love each other,

and now they're
moving in together!

I don't get it.
It doesn't make sense.

They went on five dates.

Well, maybe that's
all he really needed.

Maybe he's the kind of guy
that knows what he wants and when he wants it.

Maybe he doesn't need
three years to figure it out!

Wait. What's happening?

I just...
I think it's a little odd that we've been together

for so long and we haven't even
discussed moving in together.

Okay, it's odd.
Therefore, it needs to be discussed.

So... discuss.

Okay, uh...
Well, I have plenty of room. You're already working there.

You can't afford
to live on your own--

Okay, this is so not romantic.

Starting over.

Gabi, you're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

And I've never felt
like this about anyone.

Getting better.

And although, I might
not be the guy who knows what he wants

after five dates,
I do know one thing.

I love you.

Getting a lot better.

And you would make me
the luckiest man in the world

if you'd move in with me.

Really? You mean it?

I've never meant
anything more in my life.

-Ooh!
-Come on, move with me.

Yeah? Okay!
Okay! Ah!

-Ah!
-I'm moving in with my boyfriend!

I'm moving in
with my boyfriend!

Yolanda, can you hear me?

Yes. This is Lil' Kim
talkin' to Lil' Kimchi. Over.

Oh my damn. He's here.
(giggles)

Wow. You look stunning.

Ooh, nice tushie.

Ooh, nice tush...
shee you again.

Um, I'll have a marti--
Uh, wait a minute.

Is it okay if I order a drink?
I know you're ten years sober.

Who the hell told you that?

Well, I read it on your profile,
under "accomplishments."

Oh... that's right.

(mutters)
I hate that bitch.

So one martini
and one...?

Uh... Hmm... Uh...

Oh God. She doesn't know
any non-alcoholic drinks.

Iced tea, Yolanda.

Iced tea.

So, you studied philosophy.
What do you think of Plato?

Well, it comes in lots
of colors, and I love the smell!

No, no, no, no, no.
Plato's a philosopher.

Tell him you love Plato
because Allegory of the Cave

makes you challenge
your perception of the world.

-(laughs)
-Allegory of the Cave makes you challenge

your perception of the world.

Wow, that's amazing.

(laughs) I know!

The reception in here
is fantastic.

So I'm guessing studying
Old English poetry seemed

modern compared to Plato.

Do you have a favorite poem?

Well, there are so many.

I couldn't possibly
have a favorite one.

Could I?

"Someone came knocking
at my wee, small door..."

"Someone came knocking
at my wee, small door..."

-"Someone"--
-(phone vibrating)

Oh God, it's my mother.
I have to answer.

-"Someone..."
-Mm-hmm.

"Someone!"

Please, keep goin'.

"Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah...

"someone's in the kitchen,
I know.

"Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah,

strummin'
on the old banjo."

(laughs)

-(Yolanda laughs)
-You are too funny!

I'm gonna have
to watch out for you.

Ooh! Ice-cold martini.

-Dog! That looks good!
-Uh! Do you know what?

Here's a funny game
I always love to play.

What's the color
of my eyes?

Ooh. Beautiful brown.

Oh...
Now I'll do yours.

Cover your eyes.

Yes, ma'am. (laughs)

Okay, hmm, um,
your eyes are...

I'm thinking.

Uh... brown.

Hey.

Hey, Sofia!

Gabi, what's wrong?
I got, like, three 9-1-1s from you.

Why would you assume
something's wrong?

Well, usually with you,
it's a pretty good guess.

Ha! Funny!
Everything today is so funny.

And beautiful.
And perfect.

What's going on?

Okay. Do you remember
our dream?

Dual weddings,
dual vacations,

kids at the same time,
moving in with our boyfriends at the same time?

-What?
-Josh asked me to move in with him

and I said yes!
(screams)

Where's your... (screams)?

-Wow.
-Wow is very nice, but I was really hoping

for a... (screams).

-Talk about one-upsmanship.
-I know, ri-- What?

Josh couldn't stand the fact
that Nick one-upped him,

so he asked you to move in,
and you were so jealous that I was asked to move in,

that you said yes.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you were the one

who asked Josh
if you could move in.

Okay, what the hell
is happening?

What's happening here
is that you can't let me have five minutes of joy

without having to top me.
God, Gabi, you're so obnoxious!

Okay, I don't understand
how my best friend isn't happy for me right now.

Oh, like you were me?
Um, I believe your exact words were, "I told you this guy

would do anything
to one-up Josh."

Because he would.
I mean, God, Sofia,

you've been on five dates
with this guy.

Gabi, you were just over
to help me pack. What the hell was that?

I was calling your bluff!

(yells angrily)

Oh my God.
What is wrong with you?

Man, you have changed
since you moved out,

yesterday?

No, you're the one
who's changed.

-Me?
-Yes! Yes you, because, huh, you were so happy

with the way that things
were going with Josh,

and then all of a sudden,
you wanna move in with him?

What, just because you move in
with your boyfriend, I can't move in with my boyfriend?

Oh, admit it. You said yes
because you're a petty,

selfish, little girl!
(gasps)

-Oh my God!
-What?

The dart is in...

The dart?
The dart's in where?

The dart's in your head.

(gasps)

(thuds)

(laughing)

Is there a doctor here?
We need a doctor back here.

Oh, he can help,
he's a doctor.

-Uh...
-Please. Some girl just took a dart straight to the head.

Ew! Is there blood?

-Oh my God!
-What kind of doctor are you?

A fake one.
I lied, I'm sorry.

Are you sure
you're okay?

Yeah. I will be.
After another bite.

God, Gabi, how did we go
from three days ago

all of our dreams
coming true to--

A nightmare of you
tryin' to kill me with a dart?

-What happened to us?
-I don't know. You got a boyfriend,

and we both went crazy.

We did.
(chuckles)

Sofia, I'm really sorry
that I said that Nick only wanted to move in with you

because he was competing
with Josh.

I should've said that,
I mean, of course he wants to live with you.

Everybody wants
to live with you! I've lived with you,

it's the best.

Living with you
is the best, too.

Can I tell you something?

You were right.
I think I only said yes to moving in with Josh

because I was trying
to one-up you.

My God, and I only
said yes to Nick because I was so mad

that you didn't really believe
he was asking me--

-Gabi, are you okay?
-Sofia, don't admit to anything.

I have your best
legal interest at heart.

Uh, Nick, can I talk to you
for a second?

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Okay, well, let's
get your stuff and go back to my place.

Nay, our place.

Josh, um, I love you
a whole bunch, and I really hope

that one day
we might live together, but, right now,

like right, right now,
I don't know if I'm ready.

Oh, thank God.
What I mean, is...

one day you might kind of
wanna be ready, though, right?

Totally might kind of
wanna be ready.

So, uh, we have some news.

Oh, uh, yeah,
we have some news, too.

Um, I'm not
moving in with Nick.

What? I'm not moving in
with Josh.

-What?
-Both: Yay!

Both:
I'm sorry.

It's all right,
I may have rushed things a little bit,

but, uh, it's only
because I've never felt this way

about anyone before.

Which also might be kind of
why I acted like an ass.

-Sorry, dude.
-Yeah, and I'm sorry, too,

that you acted like an ass.

Okay. Well, now that
everything is back to normal,

how about we celebrate,
open a bottle of wine?

-I got it.
-I got it.

How about some beer?

Hm. Maybe it's the head wound,
but Nick's grandpa's wine is not that bad.

It's the head wound.

-(whistling)
-Open heart surgeon?

Oh, uh...
HotChocolate.

I thought you were sober.

It's Yolanda, and I thought
you were a surgeon.

What are you doin' here?

Actually, I own
a moving company.

-Oh, really?
-No.

But I drive the truck.

-You do?
-No.

They make me sit in the middle.

Look, I'm-- I'm sorry
about the other night.

I-- I just didn't want my smart,

beautiful and funny date

to find out
that I'm only a mover.

Oh. So what I'm hearin' is,

you're experienced in packin'

big brown boxes.

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