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1
00:00:00,617 --> 00:00:03,435
JOSH: Gabi, dinner tonight was amazing.
2
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:04,603
I am one lucky man.
3
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,305
(SOFTLY) Hmm! You're about to be.
4
00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:11,677
- I cannot wait to get into bed.
- (CHUCKLES)
5
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,712
I can't wait for you
to get in it either.
6
00:00:13,748 --> 00:00:15,714
Does it get any better than this?
7
00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:18,684
I know! I have a boss that I
love, a boyfriend I love.
8
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,686
And I have a chef I love,
and a girlfriend I love.
9
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,554
We're gonna need a bigger bed.
10
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,592
- I love you.
- I love you more.
11
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:27,626
- (CHUCKLES)
- Mwah.
12
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,261
Good night, Gabi.
13
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:30,295
- (GRUNTS)
- (LIGHT CLICKS)
14
00:00:30,306 --> 00:00:31,555
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
15
00:00:31,602 --> 00:00:37,509
- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod -
www.addic7ed.com
16
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,538
? She in the spotlight ?
17
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,507
? And she turn my head ?
18
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,509
? She run a red light ?
19
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,310
? 'Cause she bad like that ?
20
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:48,480
? I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ?
21
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:51,717
? Baby, I like that
ooh, baby, ooh, baby ?
22
00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:56,722
Mmm! Thank God you're home!
I have huge news.
23
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:58,590
(HUMPHS) So do I.
24
00:00:58,626 --> 00:00:59,658
Okay, well, remember how I said
25
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,226
I want to earn a little extra money?
26
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:02,661
Well, I got a job driving
27
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:05,330
at night for Crazy Car.
28
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:06,465
The ride-sharing company?
29
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,267
Don't they hire, like, anybody?
30
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,369
Let me have this.
31
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,403
Okay, I'm sorry.
32
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:12,638
It's just... something really weird
33
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,440
didn't happen with Josh.
34
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:15,441
(SCOFFS) Now we have to talk
35
00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:16,542
about what didn't happen with him?
36
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,709
(SIGHS)
37
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,678
He got into bed, he told me he loved me,
38
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:22,448
and then he went to sleep.
39
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,516
- So, he was probably tired.
- Yeah, of me!
40
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:26,318
That's ridiculous.
41
00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:28,353
Did I mention that
he kissed me good night...
42
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:30,322
on the forehead?
43
00:01:30,357 --> 00:01:33,258
I mean, who kisses you on the forehead?
44
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,394
Your grandma, your piano teacher,
45
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,729
your gym teacher... after he gets fired.
46
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,500
It was one night.
It doesn't mean anything.
47
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,368
Yes, it does! It means everything!
48
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:45,437
Sex is the way you know how
a relationship is doing,
49
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,473
and if you're not doing it,
it's doing bad!
50
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:49,708
(PHONE RINGS)
51
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:52,744
Hello?
52
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:55,414
Hi, it's your roommate, Sofia.
53
00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:58,684
Think we can get back to me now?
54
00:01:58,719 --> 00:01:59,718
(SCOFFS)
55
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,488
I'm sorry. Go ahead.
56
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,223
- Okay, hang up.
- No, you hang up.
57
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,391
Oh my God, Josh and I used
to do this all the time.
58
00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:08,393
- Stop it!
- I'm sorry!
59
00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:09,528
Okay, so I don't have tons of money,
60
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:10,596
so what do you think I should get
61
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,264
to take care of my Crazy Car customers?
62
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:14,566
Uh, you mean like mints or water?
63
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,368
No, I mean, like, pepper spray or a gun.
64
00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:17,636
I'm terrified.
65
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:20,405
Are you kidding me? You're Lil So-So.
You can handle anything.
66
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,274
Well... Wait.
67
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,343
Are you just saying that so you
can get back to you and Josh?
68
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:25,577
A little.
69
00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:29,515
Gabi, your relationship
is not "doing bad."
70
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,650
- It isn't?
- No, he loves you!
71
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:34,419
- (WHINES) How do you know?
- Because he told you he loves you.
72
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:36,555
Yeah, right before
he didn't have sex with me.
73
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,423
Ugh. Will you stop, okay?
74
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:39,722
You'll probably go over there tonight
75
00:02:39,733 --> 00:02:41,303
and have the best sex of your life.
76
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:44,396
(KEYBOARD CLICKING)
77
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:50,435
Okay, okay. Enough of this.
78
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:51,737
Yay!
79
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:55,274
(CHANTS) Less spreadsheets,
more bedsheets!
80
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,409
Can I just say how much I love that
you're spending every night here?
81
00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,611
- Do you?
- Are you kidding me?
82
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,380
It's the perfect way to end the day.
83
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,448
Aww. For me too. I love you.
84
00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:05,450
I love you more. Mwah.
85
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,320
(LIGHT CLICKS)
86
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,423
Two nights doesn't mean anything.
87
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,325
You said one night
doesn't mean anything!
88
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,660
Now two nights doesn't mean anything?
89
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,563
Do you know what doesn't mean anything?
Your crappy advice!
90
00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:20,265
Okay. Gabi, it's 3:00 a.m.
91
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,467
- Where does Josh think you are?
- He doesn't care!
92
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:25,304
He's sound asleep. It's like he
doesn't even know what beds are for!
93
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:30,242
I knew it, Sofia. It-it... Josh
and I finally got together,
94
00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:31,543
and it's too good to be true.
95
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:34,279
I mean, it's over!
This is the end of everything!
96
00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:35,514
This is not the end of everything.
97
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,416
You haven't even talked
to him about it yet.
98
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,717
Yeah, I can't talk to him about this.
99
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:42,588
I mean, it's a very sensitive
area involving my sensitive area.
100
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:46,391
Well... even more reason
for you to talk to him,
101
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,260
and by "him" I mean "not me."
102
00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:50,596
Okay? So, I'm gonna drop you
back off at Josh's,
103
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,364
you're gonna get into bed,
and in the morning,
104
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,498
you can find out what the problem is.
105
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:56,501
Okay, fine, but first can
we go through a drive-thru?
106
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,270
If Josh isn't gonna
see me naked anymore,
107
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:00,472
I want a Double-Double Animal
Style, fries and a shake.
108
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,581
Elliot, Elliot! Great news!
109
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:12,384
Bruno Mars just added a second show.
110
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,386
And you added a second chin.
111
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,556
We tried to get tickets
for the first show,
112
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,458
and they sold out in a heartbeat.
113
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:22,594
Give it up. We're never
getting Bruno Mars tickets.
114
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:24,429
(WHISPERS) Never.
115
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,566
Damn, you're a downer.
116
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,302
Maybe this virgin coffee
will pick you up.
117
00:04:30,337 --> 00:04:32,437
It's just called coffee, Yolanda.
118
00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:34,473
Yours is.
119
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,343
Hey, guys.
120
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:41,513
Couldn't help but overhear you
talking about concert tickets,
121
00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:43,448
so this might be of interest to you.
122
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,517
I am this close to finishing an app
123
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:47,619
which allows regular people, like you,
124
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:50,555
the ability to purchase tickets
as quickly as the brokers do,
125
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:52,424
so everyone's on the same,
level playing field.
126
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,593
Oh my God. Can you get
us into Bruno Mars?
127
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,461
Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut-tut.
128
00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,232
Praise... then ask.
129
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,202
Oh my God, you're so smart and pretty.
Can you get us into Bruno Mars?
130
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,606
The tickets are about to go on sale!
131
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,674
Genius.
132
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:11,610
Let's see what we can do...
133
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,445
- (GASPS)
- ...regular people.
134
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,312
(YOLONDA SQUEALS)
135
00:05:14,323 --> 00:05:16,525
(BOTH CHANTING) Bruno Mars, Bruno Mars,
136
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:19,251
- Bruno Mars!
- (KEYBOARD CLICKING)
137
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:20,385
All right.
138
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:22,387
And... (TAPPING)
139
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,623
amazing Bruno Mars seats in three,
140
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,692
two, one!
141
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:29,561
Gah! It didn't work!
142
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:32,631
It didn't work? What do
you mean it didn't work?
143
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,666
Damn it. I guess there's
still some kinks in the app.
144
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:38,670
Wait, wait, wait a minute. You got
us all pumped up for Bruno Mars,
145
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:43,475
then you let us down?
Oh, this is "Uptown Funk'ed" up.
146
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,052
(SNAPS FINGERS)
147
00:05:44,063 --> 00:05:45,687
Yeah, the brokers snatched
up every ticket...
148
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,579
except the wheelchair- accessible seats.
149
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:53,485
Um, uh, uh... What-what... what do
you mean, wheelchair accessible?
150
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,554
Yeah, right in the front row.
151
00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:07,199
- Hey, what are you guys doing?
- Reading up on how to look injured
152
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:08,367
and whether or not you need proof.
153
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:11,370
- Oh. Taylor Swift tickets?
- Bruno Mars.
154
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,474
(SIGHS)
155
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:20,312
Okay. All right. You can do this.
156
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:22,681
You can do this.
I mean, how hard is it to say,
157
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,384
"Why are we not having sex"
to your boyfriend?
158
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:27,686
Okay.
159
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,488
It's gonna work this time.
160
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:31,490
Here we go.
161
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:34,693
(TAPPING)
162
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,228
Come on.
163
00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:39,364
Come on, you can do this.
164
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,501
Oh, you're almost there.
165
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,672
Gah! (WHIMPERS)
166
00:06:55,474 --> 00:06:56,540
Oh my God, Sofia.
167
00:06:56,576 --> 00:06:58,642
I did what you said,
I went in and I talked to Josh.
168
00:06:58,678 --> 00:07:00,678
- What did he say?
- Um, not much.
169
00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:02,613
He kind of had his hands full.
170
00:07:04,317 --> 00:07:05,549
At first I thought he was working,
171
00:07:05,585 --> 00:07:07,451
(WHISPERS) but he was working it!
172
00:07:07,486 --> 00:07:08,752
What are you talking about?
173
00:07:08,788 --> 00:07:10,654
GABI (ON SPEAKER):
Don't make me say penis!
174
00:07:12,692 --> 00:07:14,625
And I'm taking you off speaker.
175
00:07:17,797 --> 00:07:21,732
- JOSH: Gabi?
- Oh God, I gotta go.
176
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:24,468
(BREATHING HARD) Oh, Gabi.
177
00:07:24,503 --> 00:07:26,337
Thank God you are here.
178
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:28,739
Can you make me a protein shake?
179
00:07:28,774 --> 00:07:30,441
I am drained.
180
00:07:31,677 --> 00:07:33,577
Look, we need to talk.
181
00:07:33,613 --> 00:07:35,546
I mean, can it wait?
I gotta get back to this.
182
00:07:38,784 --> 00:07:41,585
- You're gonna do it again?
- Yeah.
183
00:07:41,621 --> 00:07:44,555
I'm going to keep doing it
until I hit the mother lode.
184
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:46,690
Okay, all right. Josh...
185
00:07:46,726 --> 00:07:49,627
listen, I... I don't understand
186
00:07:49,662 --> 00:07:51,629
why you're doing what you're doing,
187
00:07:51,664 --> 00:07:55,466
- when I'm here. (CHUCKLES)
- What are you talking about?
188
00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:57,568
Well, I'm your girlfriend now.
189
00:07:57,603 --> 00:08:00,571
We should be doing all
that kind of stuff together.
190
00:08:00,606 --> 00:08:03,374
Um, Gabi, that's really cute,
191
00:08:03,409 --> 00:08:06,277
and I'd love to explain to you
all about my business...
192
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,314
but I'm a little frustrated right now,
193
00:08:10,349 --> 00:08:12,683
so I need to do this alone,
so I can focus.
194
00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:19,623
Okay, well, if you're frustrated,
maybe I can help you relax.
195
00:08:20,660 --> 00:08:23,394
See? Isn't this relaxing?
196
00:08:23,429 --> 00:08:25,362
- Oh. So relaxing.
- Yeah?
197
00:08:25,398 --> 00:08:26,730
Maybe even a little sexy?
198
00:08:26,766 --> 00:08:28,299
Yeah.
199
00:08:29,335 --> 00:08:30,401
Oh, right there.
200
00:08:31,437 --> 00:08:32,670
That's it.
201
00:08:35,341 --> 00:08:36,307
That's it.
202
00:08:37,710 --> 00:08:39,410
I just figured out a new way to do it!
203
00:08:45,685 --> 00:08:48,385
- You ready to do this?
- Let's roll!
204
00:08:48,421 --> 00:08:51,522
(WHIRS)
205
00:08:52,725 --> 00:08:54,425
ELLIOT: Hi!
206
00:08:54,460 --> 00:08:58,362
I need some of those special front-row
tickets to Bruno Mars, please.
207
00:08:58,397 --> 00:09:01,598
As you can plainly see, my friend
here was severely injured.
208
00:09:01,634 --> 00:09:03,667
Very sad. Mountain-climbing accident.
209
00:09:03,703 --> 00:09:06,437
Oh, I'm so sorry. Which mountain?
210
00:09:07,473 --> 00:09:08,572
Splash Mountain.
211
00:09:10,309 --> 00:09:14,545
Uh, yeah, he... fell off a
mountain and splashed into a lake.
212
00:09:14,580 --> 00:09:17,381
Really? What lake?
213
00:09:17,416 --> 00:09:18,649
- Tahoe.
- Erie.
214
00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:20,417
- Michigan.
- Ricki.
215
00:09:22,555 --> 00:09:24,688
You are not injured.
216
00:09:24,724 --> 00:09:26,457
You think you can just walk up
217
00:09:26,492 --> 00:09:29,326
- to my box office...
- I wish I could walk...
218
00:09:30,463 --> 00:09:33,530
but until I heal, which the doctor said
219
00:09:33,566 --> 00:09:36,700
won't happen until well after
Bruno's tour is over,
220
00:09:36,736 --> 00:09:39,536
no feeling below the waist.
221
00:09:39,572 --> 00:09:42,573
No tickets unless you can prove it.
222
00:09:42,608 --> 00:09:45,642
Uh, you want proof? Oh, you want proof?
223
00:09:45,678 --> 00:09:46,710
I'll give you proof.
224
00:09:49,348 --> 00:09:50,547
Why are you taking off your belt?
225
00:09:50,583 --> 00:09:54,785
The woman wants proof that you
have no feeling in your legs,
226
00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:57,654
and once she sees that you don't react,
227
00:09:57,690 --> 00:09:59,656
it will be proof. (CHUCKLES)
228
00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:04,661
See? There. He felt nothing.
Tickets, please.
229
00:10:05,765 --> 00:10:09,366
Are you serious? That was a love tap.
230
00:10:09,402 --> 00:10:12,369
Was it? (CHUCKLES)
Well, let me try again.
231
00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,540
- Ah!
- Nothing.
232
00:10:17,810 --> 00:10:18,809
How about that? Hmm?
233
00:10:18,844 --> 00:10:20,711
I don't think so.
234
00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,813
Okay, uh...
235
00:10:22,848 --> 00:10:26,583
Well, one last time.
236
00:10:26,619 --> 00:10:30,454
One last real hard time.
237
00:10:32,425 --> 00:10:34,725
(WHISPERS) Come on, Elliot. If
the woman thinks we're faking,
238
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,460
we're not gonna get into Bruno Mars!
239
00:10:36,495 --> 00:10:37,694
(SIGHS) You're right.
240
00:10:40,733 --> 00:10:42,633
- (SIGHS)
- For the funk.
241
00:10:42,668 --> 00:10:45,502
(BELT WHOOSHING)
242
00:10:45,538 --> 00:10:48,439
Here we go!
243
00:10:48,474 --> 00:10:52,543
I... love Bruno Mars!
244
00:10:52,578 --> 00:10:53,777
(GASPS)
245
00:10:53,813 --> 00:10:56,647
Well, if he wasn't injured before,
246
00:10:56,682 --> 00:10:59,550
he is now. Here's your tickets.
247
00:10:59,585 --> 00:11:01,752
Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
248
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,520
(WHISPERS) That wasn't so hard.
249
00:11:04,657 --> 00:11:06,623
I really can't feel my legs.
250
00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:11,795
Wow. Most people
just fill out this form.
251
00:11:15,568 --> 00:11:16,533
(POUNDS)
252
00:11:19,371 --> 00:11:20,404
(JOSH SHOUTS) Yes!
253
00:11:20,439 --> 00:11:21,772
Yes!
254
00:11:23,742 --> 00:11:25,409
Finally!
255
00:11:27,413 --> 00:11:28,378
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
256
00:11:29,648 --> 00:11:31,615
I did it. (BREATHING HARD)
257
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,817
Job... complete.
258
00:11:35,521 --> 00:11:38,755
Yeah. I heard. Congratulations.
259
00:11:38,791 --> 00:11:41,592
Thanks. That was the, uh...
260
00:11:41,627 --> 00:11:42,793
that was the hardest it's ever been.
261
00:11:46,866 --> 00:11:48,699
I'm gonna go grab a shower.
262
00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:51,568
You know, even though I've
done this a thousand times,
263
00:11:51,604 --> 00:11:52,736
I still get that rush!
264
00:11:52,771 --> 00:11:55,472
It's like a I'm a teenager
back in my mom's basement,
265
00:11:55,508 --> 00:11:56,740
doing it for the first time
all over again.
266
00:12:02,481 --> 00:12:04,515
Well, aren't you the luckiest
girl in the whole world?
267
00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:10,687
Home-wrecking bitch!
268
00:12:13,459 --> 00:12:14,491
(CLATTERS)
269
00:12:16,335 --> 00:12:18,499
(WHISPERS) I did a bad thing.
270
00:12:20,199 --> 00:12:21,164
What'd you do now?
271
00:12:23,101 --> 00:12:25,202
- This.
- Oh my God!
272
00:12:25,237 --> 00:12:27,804
You destroyed his laptop?
Why would you do that?
273
00:12:28,974 --> 00:12:30,073
(WHISPERS) I'm not well.
274
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:36,112
And you wanna know why I'm not well?
275
00:12:36,148 --> 00:12:39,115
The problem isn't that
he's having sex with himself.
276
00:12:39,151 --> 00:12:41,084
The problem is
he's losing interest in me,
277
00:12:41,119 --> 00:12:43,887
and when that happens, it is game over.
278
00:12:43,922 --> 00:12:46,189
You have to tell me this is not
the end of everything, Sofia!
279
00:12:46,225 --> 00:12:49,292
I would, but it is. You're screwed.
280
00:12:49,328 --> 00:12:51,061
(CRYING) No-ho-ho-ho-ho!
281
00:12:51,096 --> 00:12:54,030
You gotta help me!
Please, tell me what to do!
282
00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:56,166
Do you want five stars?
You want five stars?
283
00:12:56,201 --> 00:12:59,069
Tell me what to do!
284
00:12:59,104 --> 00:13:00,971
Okay, fine.
We're gonna go back to Josh's,
285
00:13:01,006 --> 00:13:02,772
you're gonna tell him
you broke his computer,
286
00:13:02,808 --> 00:13:04,941
and then you're gonna be honest
about what you've been feeling.
287
00:13:04,977 --> 00:13:08,144
Or-or-or... and this is just coming
to me now, but it's really good...
288
00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:11,047
(SIGHS) I get the laptop fixed,
289
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:13,884
I sneak it back into his house,
he has no idea that I broke it,
290
00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:15,185
we hide all of our feelings
from each other,
291
00:13:15,220 --> 00:13:17,087
and then we have a normal
relationship based on lies,
292
00:13:17,122 --> 00:13:18,788
just like every other couple!
293
00:13:20,192 --> 00:13:22,959
- You know what? You're right.
- I am?
294
00:13:22,995 --> 00:13:24,127
You're not well.
295
00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:32,235
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
I will have a glass of that.
296
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:34,070
I'm celebrating. I finished my app.
297
00:13:34,106 --> 00:13:35,624
By the way, I figured
out a way to get you
298
00:13:35,635 --> 00:13:37,117
guys tickets to the
next Bruno Mars show.
299
00:13:37,142 --> 00:13:38,942
By the way, you're too late.
300
00:13:38,977 --> 00:13:41,044
We already got 'em for tonight.
301
00:13:41,079 --> 00:13:43,847
- Really? How?
- (WHIRRING)
302
00:13:47,185 --> 00:13:50,053
Rocket ship to Mars
is ready for liftoff.
303
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:53,823
No way. You guys are
posing as disabled people?
304
00:13:53,859 --> 00:13:55,025
No, injured.
305
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,228
Elliot, get off that thing.
306
00:13:58,263 --> 00:14:00,230
We'll use my app to get you
tickets the honest way.
307
00:14:00,265 --> 00:14:02,832
(WHINES) But they're not
gonna be front row.
308
00:14:02,868 --> 00:14:03,796
(MOCKINGLY) But, at least you'll be
309
00:14:03,807 --> 00:14:05,078
able to look at yourself in the mirror.
310
00:14:06,271 --> 00:14:08,004
How is that a plus for Elliot?
311
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,072
Where's my computer?
312
00:14:10,175 --> 00:14:11,174
It was right here.
313
00:14:13,045 --> 00:14:14,077
Yolanda, what'd you do with it?
314
00:14:14,112 --> 00:14:16,146
Did you put it somewhere
while you were cleaning?
315
00:14:16,181 --> 00:14:18,782
The only thing I cleaned out
today was your wine cellar.
316
00:14:25,023 --> 00:14:27,891
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (BELL JINGLES)
317
00:14:27,926 --> 00:14:29,025
(DOOR CLOSES)
318
00:14:29,061 --> 00:14:31,027
Hi, I'm Gabi. I'm the one that called
319
00:14:31,063 --> 00:14:33,863
about the computer that fell
on the rolling pin.
320
00:14:35,133 --> 00:14:37,233
- Wow.
- Oh no. That bad?
321
00:14:37,269 --> 00:14:39,903
You're the prettiest thing
that's ever walked in here.
322
00:14:39,938 --> 00:14:44,007
Oh. Thank you. Garrett, is it?
323
00:14:44,042 --> 00:14:46,142
No one that pretty
has ever said my name.
324
00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:50,180
Oh. Garrett, do you think you
could fix it right away, Garrett?
325
00:14:50,215 --> 00:14:53,183
- For you, absolutely.
- Mmm.
326
00:14:53,218 --> 00:14:53,935
(SCREEN CRACKLING)
327
00:14:53,946 --> 00:14:56,096
Well, how... how much do you
think it'll be, Garrett?
328
00:14:56,121 --> 00:14:58,822
(CHUCKLES) Well, I'd have to open it up,
329
00:14:58,857 --> 00:15:01,858
I'd have to examine the hard drive.
I'd say a thousand bucks.
330
00:15:01,893 --> 00:15:03,893
What? But I'm the prettiest thing
that's ever walked in here!
331
00:15:05,964 --> 00:15:07,261
I'm sorry, it's just that I... I don't
332
00:15:07,272 --> 00:15:08,842
have anything close to a thousand bucks,
333
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:11,067
and if I don't get this fixed
today my boyfriend is...
334
00:15:11,103 --> 00:15:13,103
Boyfriend? Two thousand.
335
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,140
...gonna roll over in his grave.
336
00:15:17,175 --> 00:15:18,842
- JOSH: Hello?
- (DOOR OPENS)
337
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,176
(GASPS) Oh my God, you gotta hide me.
338
00:15:20,212 --> 00:15:22,012
Hide me, hide me.
339
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,913
Uh, hi.
340
00:15:23,949 --> 00:15:26,983
Uh, I got a ping
that my computer was here.
341
00:15:27,019 --> 00:15:28,885
I'm not sure how it would've
gotten here, but I just...
342
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,820
- I'm praying that you have it.
- Oh, well,
343
00:15:30,856 --> 00:15:32,088
the only computer that's come in today
344
00:15:32,124 --> 00:15:34,124
is the one that a beautiful
blonde brought in...
345
00:15:34,159 --> 00:15:35,892
but she's long gone!
346
00:15:35,927 --> 00:15:37,027
Blonde.
347
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:41,197
So, uh, tell me, Garrett,
348
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:42,932
did this blonde happen to have...
349
00:15:42,968 --> 00:15:45,802
Blue eyes, dazzling smile,
350
00:15:45,837 --> 00:15:48,838
and a body I'd like to
Photoshop anime tentacles on.
351
00:15:50,976 --> 00:15:52,942
Yeah. Thought so.
352
00:15:52,978 --> 00:15:55,078
Okay, so here's the
deal: My girlfriend...
353
00:15:55,113 --> 00:15:57,213
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're her boyfriend?
354
00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:58,982
She said you were dead!
355
00:15:59,017 --> 00:16:00,950
Oh my God, is that my computer?
356
00:16:02,187 --> 00:16:03,787
What happened to this thing?
357
00:16:03,822 --> 00:16:05,121
(SCREEN CRACKLING)
358
00:16:05,157 --> 00:16:06,956
Oh, please work.
359
00:16:06,992 --> 00:16:08,958
(CHIMES, WHIRRING)
360
00:16:08,994 --> 00:16:10,860
Oh, thank God it powered on.
361
00:16:10,896 --> 00:16:12,228
I mean, why... Why would she do this?
362
00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,230
Look, I... I think
the better question is,
363
00:16:14,266 --> 00:16:17,033
what did you do that would
drive her to do this?
364
00:16:17,069 --> 00:16:19,002
Me?
365
00:16:19,037 --> 00:16:21,137
I didn't do anything! She did this!
366
00:16:21,173 --> 00:16:23,039
- She's obviously sick!
- (GABI SCOFFS)
367
00:16:23,075 --> 00:16:24,941
- I'm sick?
- Gah!
368
00:16:24,976 --> 00:16:27,944
Well, if I'm sick, it's only
because you made me sick.
369
00:16:27,979 --> 00:16:29,946
Why did you destroy my computer?
370
00:16:29,981 --> 00:16:31,981
Oh, you really wanna know, Josh?
You really wanna know?
371
00:16:32,017 --> 00:16:33,917
I really wanna know.
372
00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:37,187
I'd also like to know.
373
00:16:37,222 --> 00:16:39,008
Fine! We've been having sex every night
374
00:16:39,019 --> 00:16:41,034
since we've been in a relationship,
375
00:16:41,059 --> 00:16:42,792
and suddenly you just stop?
376
00:16:42,828 --> 00:16:44,861
And I try to be the mature one and
come and talk to you about it,
377
00:16:44,896 --> 00:16:47,197
and what do I find? The reason
you're not having sex with me!
378
00:16:47,232 --> 00:16:49,899
It's because you're having sex with you!
379
00:16:51,937 --> 00:16:53,870
What does that even mean?
380
00:16:53,905 --> 00:16:56,206
Masturbating. She caught
you masturbating.
381
00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,844
- No, she did not!
- Oh, don't play innocent.
382
00:17:00,879 --> 00:17:02,779
I saw you, Josh. I saw you.
383
00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:04,114
I walked in your office
and you were all,
384
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:06,983
(MOCKINGLY) "Oh, do it, do it.
So close, almost there."
385
00:17:07,018 --> 00:17:08,084
(MOANS)
386
00:17:10,789 --> 00:17:12,188
I was working on my app.
387
00:17:12,224 --> 00:17:14,190
Is that what you
were doing, Josh, really?
388
00:17:14,226 --> 00:17:16,025
Is that really what you were doing?
389
00:17:16,061 --> 00:17:19,796
I... I was not... I wasn't...
390
00:17:19,831 --> 00:17:22,932
Masturbating. He's saying
he wasn't masturbating.
391
00:17:22,968 --> 00:17:24,033
(SIGHS)
392
00:17:24,069 --> 00:17:27,103
Josh, I was standing right behind you.
393
00:17:27,139 --> 00:17:30,106
I saw your hand going
all kinds of up and down.
394
00:17:32,043 --> 00:17:33,910
Did it happen to look like this?
395
00:17:33,945 --> 00:17:35,111
(TAPPING)
396
00:17:35,147 --> 00:17:36,112
Hold on one second.
397
00:17:40,152 --> 00:17:41,117
Okay, do it again.
398
00:17:41,153 --> 00:17:43,086
- (TAPPING)
- Oh my God.
399
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:48,958
- What did I tell you?
- Okay, I'm really sorry, but...
400
00:17:48,994 --> 00:17:51,895
I mean, you could see how
I would think that, you know?
401
00:17:51,930 --> 00:17:54,063
Hey, it totally looked
like that from here.
402
00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:57,100
- It was not that!
- Okay, so it wasn't that,
403
00:17:57,135 --> 00:17:59,769
but that doesn't change the fact
that you're not having sex with me.
404
00:17:59,805 --> 00:18:01,171
What are you talking about?
We have sex all the time.
405
00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:02,972
Yeah, not last night
or the night before!
406
00:18:03,008 --> 00:18:05,975
- So?
- "So?" Why?
407
00:18:06,011 --> 00:18:07,210
I mean, what is it, Josh?
408
00:18:07,245 --> 00:18:09,979
Uh... I mean, is it me? Are you
not attracted to me anymore?
409
00:18:10,015 --> 00:18:11,080
Are you bored with me?
410
00:18:11,116 --> 00:18:13,082
How could anyone...
411
00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:16,853
ever possibly be bored with you?
412
00:18:16,888 --> 00:18:19,856
Well, I think... I mean,
I'm fun, I'm passionate.
413
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:21,758
Yeah, I'm always getting
into some kind of trouble.
414
00:18:22,794 --> 00:18:24,994
Okay, but... what is it then, Josh?
415
00:18:25,030 --> 00:18:28,865
- I mean, why is our relationship over?
- It's not.
416
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,900
Gabi, the reason why we didn't
have sex the last couple nights
417
00:18:30,936 --> 00:18:33,236
is 'cause I was tired... from working.
418
00:18:33,271 --> 00:18:35,138
Why, all of the sudden,
are you thinking like this?
419
00:18:35,173 --> 00:18:36,172
I mean, we were doing so great.
420
00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:38,241
Yeah, I know. It's just...
421
00:18:38,276 --> 00:18:40,109
when you stopped having sex with me,
422
00:18:40,145 --> 00:18:43,880
I started freaking out. We're
finally in a real relationship,
423
00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:46,783
and we've just screwed up so many
times, I don't want it to be over.
424
00:18:46,818 --> 00:18:48,985
Gabi, just because we don't have
sex for couple of nights,
425
00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:50,787
doesn't mean our relationship's over.
426
00:18:51,957 --> 00:18:53,923
You gotta stop waiting
for that other shoe to drop.
427
00:18:53,959 --> 00:18:56,860
- It's not going to.
- How do you know?
428
00:18:56,895 --> 00:18:58,962
Because... you're stuck with me.
429
00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:01,865
I'm not going anywhere.
430
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:04,033
- Oh. You're not?
- No.
431
00:19:05,203 --> 00:19:07,737
- I love you, Gabi.
- I love you too.
432
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:10,773
- (KISSES)
- Oh, yay! Not on the forehead.
433
00:19:10,809 --> 00:19:13,042
All right, come on. Let's get out
of here. I'll fix this at home.
434
00:19:13,078 --> 00:19:15,044
(CHUCKLES) Can you believe I
thought you were bored with me?
435
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,980
- How could I be bored with you?
- That's what Sofia said!
436
00:19:17,015 --> 00:19:18,915
Oh great, you told Sofia.
437
00:19:20,151 --> 00:19:22,785
I'll tell you who is
masturbating tonight.
438
00:19:24,166 --> 00:19:26,604
Can I just say something?
439
00:19:26,658 --> 00:19:28,491
I think pretending
to be injured just to go
440
00:19:28,526 --> 00:19:30,727
to a concert is immoral and disgusting.
441
00:19:30,762 --> 00:19:31,861
And easy.
442
00:19:33,665 --> 00:19:35,531
Haven't you guys ever heard of karma?
443
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:37,934
Like when you do something bad and
then something bad happens to you?
444
00:19:37,969 --> 00:19:40,770
You mean like having to
take a second job at night,
445
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,639
driving strangers around in your car?
446
00:19:42,674 --> 00:19:46,509
(BOTH LAUGH)
447
00:19:46,544 --> 00:19:47,644
And you know what's weird?
448
00:19:47,679 --> 00:19:49,679
I don't even feel bad about this.
449
00:19:49,714 --> 00:19:51,781
- Me either.
- And you know why?
450
00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:55,618
Because we have been
screwed over our whole lives.
451
00:19:55,654 --> 00:19:56,753
Yeah.
452
00:19:57,923 --> 00:19:59,822
You're an overweight divorced maid,
453
00:19:59,858 --> 00:20:02,625
who's amounted to absolutely nothing.
454
00:20:02,661 --> 00:20:03,927
Exactly.
455
00:20:05,730 --> 00:20:08,631
And you're a squat,
sweaty, unbearable man
456
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:11,534
who is despised by everyone he meets.
457
00:20:11,569 --> 00:20:12,735
Right?
458
00:20:13,872 --> 00:20:16,806
We deserve this.
For once, the little man
459
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,975
and the big woman get
to be in the front row...
460
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,844
and maybe even meet Bruno Mars.
461
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,981
Meet Bruno? Oh, if we're
gonna meet Bruno,
462
00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:26,883
I'm gonna need a little perfume.
463
00:20:26,918 --> 00:20:28,918
A little?
464
00:20:28,954 --> 00:20:30,820
Is that vanilla musk?
465
00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:32,655
Don't mind if I do.
466
00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:34,590
Wait! No, no, no, Yolanda! That's my...
467
00:20:34,626 --> 00:20:36,893
(BOTH SCREAMING)
468
00:20:36,928 --> 00:20:38,594
...pepper spray.
469
00:20:38,630 --> 00:20:41,764
- My face!
- Rerouting to hospital.
470
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,599
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
471
00:20:43,635 --> 00:20:44,968
Good thing I didn't get the gun.
472
00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:46,903
(BOTH CRYING)
473
00:20:46,953 --> 00:20:51,503
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