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1
00:00:01,194 --> 00:00:02,527
Good morning.
2
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Good mor...
3
00:00:04,735 --> 00:00:06,369
- Mmm.
- Ooh!
4
00:00:06,403 --> 00:00:07,970
Yeah, it's good, right?
5
00:00:07,971 --> 00:00:09,981
It's artisanal almond butter.
6
00:00:10,607 --> 00:00:14,158
Well, "A", I'm really impressed that
you know how to use the word "artisanal."
7
00:00:14,946 --> 00:00:19,882
And "B", umm, almond butter? It's
$15 a jar! We can't afford it!
8
00:00:20,003 --> 00:00:21,367
Not with this.
9
00:00:21,491 --> 00:00:25,668
Oh, okay, so you bought a $600 Vitamix
to make $15 worth of almond butter?
10
00:00:25,669 --> 00:00:27,070
- Yup. I'm starting
- Mm-hm.
11
00:00:27,071 --> 00:00:29,434
this new thing where I make
different types of nut butters,
12
00:00:29,435 --> 00:00:32,135
and I sell them at farmers
markets all over the bay area.
13
00:00:32,503 --> 00:00:33,703
Are ya?
14
00:00:35,306 --> 00:00:36,639
Yes, I are.
15
00:00:36,673 --> 00:00:38,553
Aww, you're nuts.
16
00:00:39,278 --> 00:00:41,286
Hey, that could be my catchphrase.
17
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,557
Gabi, do you have any
idea how much it would cost
18
00:00:45,558 --> 00:00:49,135
to buy the nuts, the jars, the
ribbons, the tag, the insurance,
19
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:50,904
let alone the permits for selling?
20
00:00:50,905 --> 00:00:52,742
Oh, I have an idea!
21
00:00:53,076 --> 00:00:54,610
Let's invent the computer.
22
00:00:54,611 --> 00:00:57,947
Oh, no, no, no! It's important
that innovation be crushed!
23
00:00:59,912 --> 00:01:02,480
Gabi, I'm not trying to crush your dreams.
24
00:01:02,481 --> 00:01:05,705
It's just that money is, you
know... we don't have any.
25
00:01:05,751 --> 00:01:09,051
So, this, ah, idea is
just totally unrealistic.
26
00:01:09,052 --> 00:01:11,221
(Mocking) "This idea
is totally unrealistic."
27
00:01:12,228 --> 00:01:13,428
I'll tell you what.
28
00:01:13,429 --> 00:01:15,841
- I'll be fine with you buying this...
- Yes.
29
00:01:16,833 --> 00:01:19,782
...if you answer "none"
to the following question.
30
00:01:19,845 --> 00:01:22,613
How much of our rent,
which is due in 11 days,
31
00:01:22,614 --> 00:01:25,515
have you spent on this $600 blender?
32
00:01:28,829 --> 00:01:30,029
Dream crusher.
33
00:01:32,738 --> 00:01:34,371
(Theme music playing)
34
00:01:39,024 --> 00:01:41,125
She's in the spotlight
35
00:01:41,159 --> 00:01:42,967
and she turned my head
36
00:01:42,968 --> 00:01:44,928
she'd run a red light
37
00:01:44,962 --> 00:01:46,663
'cos she's bad like that
38
00:01:46,697 --> 00:01:50,579
I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby
39
00:01:50,580 --> 00:01:53,693
-
I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby
- Sync/corrections PetaG - www.addic7ed.com
40
00:01:55,973 --> 00:01:57,390
Morning, girl.
41
00:01:57,908 --> 00:01:59,875
What's the matter?
42
00:02:01,645 --> 00:02:05,664
Sofia wants me to return this
Vitamix, but I really want it.
43
00:02:07,045 --> 00:02:10,932
Yeah, well, I want to be the
meat in a Denzel-Lebron sandwich,
44
00:02:11,621 --> 00:02:13,588
but we don't always get what we want.
45
00:02:13,616 --> 00:02:15,600
And sometimes, we get arrested trying.
46
00:02:17,292 --> 00:02:19,260
Check out the outfit I
got for gay pride weekend.
47
00:02:20,721 --> 00:02:22,196
You trying to scare them straight?
48
00:02:23,839 --> 00:02:25,399
Look what I'm wearing.
49
00:02:26,869 --> 00:02:29,137
Why is that parade float wearing your wig?
50
00:02:30,706 --> 00:02:32,187
That's me!
51
00:02:32,307 --> 00:02:33,807
Why are you going to pride?
52
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,307
Oh, remember when you tricked me
into being a drag queen bingo host?
53
00:02:37,308 --> 00:02:38,515
Ha, that was funny.
54
00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:41,614
Well, now, I am a gay icon.
55
00:02:41,649 --> 00:02:44,250
I got men buying me drinks all over town.
56
00:02:44,285 --> 00:02:45,886
Because they think you're a man.
57
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,454
(In deep voice) Well,
if the size 12 shoe fits.
58
00:02:50,323 --> 00:02:51,757
Hey, here's a thought.
59
00:02:51,792 --> 00:02:54,293
Since Allan's out of town,
why don't we go together?
60
00:02:54,881 --> 00:02:57,629
I want to celebrate pride. Not shame.
61
00:02:58,799 --> 00:03:01,067
No. Yolanda, think about it.
62
00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:02,534
I'm an amazing publicist.
63
00:03:02,569 --> 00:03:06,338
I can get us invites to the pre-party,
the parade party, and the post-party.
64
00:03:06,372 --> 00:03:08,406
You can get us free drinks.
65
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,309
We'll be the most popular pair
of people at the pride parade.
66
00:03:11,343 --> 00:03:13,111
Ooh, I like it.
67
00:03:13,145 --> 00:03:15,947
And my apartment sits in
the center of all the action,
68
00:03:15,981 --> 00:03:18,254
so we can change outfits for every event!
69
00:03:18,255 --> 00:03:20,965
Perfect! I own this in many patterns.
70
00:03:21,187 --> 00:03:24,287
Oh, you know, thank God I
didn't rent my place out.
71
00:03:24,322 --> 00:03:26,957
You know, someone offered
me $600 for the weekend?
72
00:03:26,991 --> 00:03:29,426
Somebody offered you $600
to rent out your place?
73
00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:32,901
That's right. My apartment
has a view of the whole parade.
74
00:03:32,911 --> 00:03:36,019
And people are willing to pay
cash dollar money for that.
75
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,526
So, that means my apartment
has a cash dollar money view.
76
00:03:40,527 --> 00:03:43,110
(Gasps) (Whispering) Are you hearing this?
77
00:03:45,636 --> 00:03:48,097
Oh... my God!
78
00:03:48,408 --> 00:03:49,608
Guys...
79
00:03:49,758 --> 00:03:51,770
I just got invited to an Ed Talk.
80
00:03:52,236 --> 00:03:54,183
Congratulations! This is huge!
81
00:03:54,184 --> 00:03:55,866
Wow, that's amazing!
82
00:03:56,282 --> 00:03:58,249
If I knew what it was, I'd be more sincere.
83
00:03:58,777 --> 00:04:01,815
Gabi, an Ed talk is when they invite
this extremely successful person
84
00:04:01,816 --> 00:04:03,762
to give this inspirational
speech, and they live-stream it.
85
00:04:03,763 --> 00:04:05,630
If it goes viral, this
could be a game changer.
86
00:04:05,898 --> 00:04:07,098
Fun!
87
00:04:07,650 --> 00:04:10,504
Every great Ed Talk has this
moment that is so mind-blowing,
88
00:04:10,505 --> 00:04:12,139
the entire audience gasps.
89
00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:14,592
I don't only have that, but
I have a killer opening joke.
90
00:04:14,593 --> 00:04:15,793
Check it.
91
00:04:18,363 --> 00:04:21,298
Why was the computer stressed
out when it got home from work?
92
00:04:23,368 --> 00:04:24,768
'Cause it had a hard drive.
93
00:04:26,094 --> 00:04:28,801
(Laughing)
94
00:04:32,376 --> 00:04:34,725
Roger, you'll be speaking
first, and then Josh will follow.
95
00:04:34,726 --> 00:04:36,277
Do you guys want the podium up or down?
96
00:04:36,278 --> 00:04:37,478
I'll go up.
97
00:04:37,479 --> 00:04:39,280
(Stuttering)
98
00:04:39,281 --> 00:04:40,481
Not me.
99
00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:43,282
See, Steve Jobs had it down.
100
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,121
Dalai Lama had it down.
101
00:04:45,122 --> 00:04:47,222
And Josh Kaminski? He's gonna have it down.
102
00:04:49,083 --> 00:04:50,783
I want nothing between me and my audience.
103
00:04:52,486 --> 00:04:53,854
Oh, brother.
104
00:04:55,148 --> 00:04:56,715
You know what, guys?
105
00:04:56,716 --> 00:04:58,161
I got a little treat for ya.
106
00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:01,113
I want you to come close. I'm
going to share my opening joke.
107
00:05:04,454 --> 00:05:09,118
Why was the computer
stressed out when it got home?
108
00:05:11,132 --> 00:05:12,833
'Cause it had a hard drive. Bam!
109
00:05:17,115 --> 00:05:19,449
Well, this thing's obviously broken.
110
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:28,860
Hi.
111
00:05:29,465 --> 00:05:32,501
Gabi, it's been three days.
Why is the blender still here?
112
00:05:32,781 --> 00:05:34,842
Well, remember when you said
113
00:05:34,843 --> 00:05:37,011
that if I could figure out
a way to pay for the blender
114
00:05:37,012 --> 00:05:39,447
without using our rent
money, I could keep it?
115
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,475
- Yeah.
- Well, I did it!
116
00:05:41,922 --> 00:05:43,141
You did what?
117
00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:45,884
Well, Josh is away for the
weekend doing some sort of talk.
118
00:05:45,885 --> 00:05:47,875
And he asked me to house sit.
119
00:05:47,876 --> 00:05:49,777
- Okay.
- Meanwhile,
120
00:05:49,778 --> 00:05:51,577
over here at our place,
121
00:05:51,766 --> 00:05:55,302
it's gay pride, and if you
have a view of the parade,
122
00:05:55,303 --> 00:05:58,116
you can rent out your place for $600.
123
00:05:58,117 --> 00:05:59,406
And guess what we have?
124
00:05:59,407 --> 00:06:01,244
A view of the parade!
125
00:06:01,436 --> 00:06:03,804
Problem solved, the fancy blender stays.
126
00:06:03,805 --> 00:06:05,102
Gabi for the win.
127
00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:08,042
Gabi, first, let me say
128
00:06:08,043 --> 00:06:10,096
that I appreciate that
you actually came up with
129
00:06:10,097 --> 00:06:12,039
- a sensible plan.
- I know. I know.
130
00:06:12,368 --> 00:06:14,169
But there's just one problem.
131
00:06:14,203 --> 00:06:17,108
I don't want strangers staying in my place,
132
00:06:17,109 --> 00:06:21,874
touching my things, sleeping in my
bed with their drool and their parts.
133
00:06:23,761 --> 00:06:25,061
But Sofia...
134
00:06:25,062 --> 00:06:27,530
No, Gabi, the answer is
no. Nobody can stay here.
135
00:06:27,531 --> 00:06:30,167
- (Knocking)
- (Coughs)
136
00:06:32,070 --> 00:06:34,038
We may have a little bit of a situation.
137
00:06:37,461 --> 00:06:39,434
You rented out our apartment?
138
00:06:39,663 --> 00:06:41,629
To really cool people.
139
00:06:41,664 --> 00:06:42,864
Probably.
140
00:06:43,555 --> 00:06:44,755
(Knocking)
141
00:06:47,514 --> 00:06:48,914
Hi. Listen, I'm really sorry...
142
00:06:48,949 --> 00:06:50,315
- Hi.
- Hi.
143
00:06:50,350 --> 00:06:52,130
- And they're in.
- Hi.
144
00:06:52,585 --> 00:06:54,051
- I'm Sam.
- And I'm Gracie.
145
00:06:54,052 --> 00:06:55,422
This place is so cute.
146
00:06:55,423 --> 00:06:56,789
Just like all the pictures.
147
00:06:56,790 --> 00:06:58,842
Well, this is hardly a veranda.
148
00:06:58,843 --> 00:07:00,811
Luckily, you guys have
a view of the parade.
149
00:07:00,812 --> 00:07:02,580
Her brother's the grand marshall.
150
00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:05,275
Oh, my God! Sofia has a gay brother, too!
151
00:07:05,333 --> 00:07:06,734
Yay for gay brothers!
152
00:07:07,481 --> 00:07:09,283
Okay, well, I hate to
break it to everybody,
153
00:07:09,284 --> 00:07:11,336
but as co-habitant of said apartment,
154
00:07:11,337 --> 00:07:14,206
I was not informed by the other
co-habitant of this apartment
155
00:07:14,207 --> 00:07:16,575
about this, ah, sub-leasing situation,
156
00:07:16,576 --> 00:07:18,711
so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
157
00:07:18,712 --> 00:07:22,527
Really? Well, did your co-habitant
tell you we have a contract?
158
00:07:25,201 --> 00:07:26,675
You signed a contract?
159
00:07:26,676 --> 00:07:28,744
Yeah, but you love contracts!
160
00:07:30,064 --> 00:07:34,325
I... I'm so mad right now, I
don't even know where to start.
161
00:07:34,326 --> 00:07:36,641
Sofia, hang on, okay? I have another idea.
162
00:07:36,642 --> 00:07:39,179
Since you don't want them here,
and they don't want to leave,
163
00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:40,865
how about we upgrade them
164
00:07:40,866 --> 00:07:44,154
to my boss' deluxe apartment in the sky?
165
00:07:44,155 --> 00:07:46,197
(Gasps) That sounds so amazing!
166
00:07:46,198 --> 00:07:47,940
No, no, no, I don't want to be in the sky.
167
00:07:47,941 --> 00:07:50,334
I want to be here with
the view of the parade.
168
00:07:50,335 --> 00:07:53,638
Seriously, so now you're just
offering Josh's apartment?
169
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,740
I... I can't believe you, Gabi.
170
00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:57,742
You know what? I... hm... huh...
171
00:07:57,864 --> 00:07:59,458
actually, I can believe it!
172
00:07:59,459 --> 00:08:01,515
Because you do things
like this all the time!
173
00:08:01,516 --> 00:08:04,543
Well, I wouldn't do things like this
all the time if you didn't always say no.
174
00:08:04,544 --> 00:08:08,284
I wouldn't have to say no, Gabi, if-if you
weren't acting like an irresponsible child.
175
00:08:08,587 --> 00:08:10,921
Oh, my God. When did you
get such a stick up your ass?
176
00:08:10,987 --> 00:08:14,230
I don't know, maybe you put
it there without asking me.
177
00:08:15,573 --> 00:08:16,808
What's happening, Sofia?
178
00:08:16,809 --> 00:08:19,775
We used to have fun and hang
out and do stupid stuff together.
179
00:08:19,776 --> 00:08:21,244
We grew up, Gabi,
180
00:08:21,245 --> 00:08:22,445
or at least I did.
181
00:08:22,637 --> 00:08:25,627
Well, if growing up means acting
like you, then I don't want to.
182
00:08:25,628 --> 00:08:27,029
And that's exactly the point.
183
00:08:27,030 --> 00:08:29,064
I've grown up, and you haven't.
184
00:08:29,065 --> 00:08:31,499
So, maybe the truth is we've
just actually grown apart.
185
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:32,701
(Gasps)
186
00:08:32,702 --> 00:08:35,692
Oh, well, maybe we have.
187
00:08:37,996 --> 00:08:39,463
I'm sorry you had to see that.
188
00:08:40,523 --> 00:08:43,191
Oh, it's okay. We just had
the same argument in the car.
189
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:52,330
I'm growing apart from her?
I'm a child with stupid ideas?
190
00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:54,191
Well, how stupid is this?
191
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:57,998
Stupid awesome!
192
00:08:59,370 --> 00:09:00,638
Oh, my God.
193
00:09:01,147 --> 00:09:03,906
I am so glad I decided to come with you.
194
00:09:03,907 --> 00:09:05,140
Yeah, you are.
195
00:09:07,722 --> 00:09:11,457
Thank you so much for letting
me stay in... my apartment.
196
00:09:12,569 --> 00:09:14,869
I hope the stick up my ass
doesn't get in your way.
197
00:09:15,881 --> 00:09:17,582
Oh, please.
198
00:09:17,583 --> 00:09:20,218
With all the sticks Gracie's
told me I have up my ass,
199
00:09:20,219 --> 00:09:21,819
I could start a Popsicle factory.
200
00:09:23,957 --> 00:09:26,633
Oh, my God. You travel
with your own coasters?
201
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:29,193
- Yeah, is that crazy?
- It's crazy awesome!
202
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:30,394
(Laughing)
203
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,015
Wow. I've never been this high before.
204
00:09:34,222 --> 00:09:36,308
Just kidding. I totally have.
205
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:38,717
(Chuckles) That's really funny.
206
00:09:38,718 --> 00:09:40,820
You know, Sofia used
to make jokes like that.
207
00:09:40,821 --> 00:09:42,320
Now, the only joke she makes is,
208
00:09:42,321 --> 00:09:43,583
"Knock, knock. Who's there?
209
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:44,784
Shut up, we're broke."
210
00:09:45,814 --> 00:09:47,215
And last week, Gabi...
211
00:09:47,216 --> 00:09:48,616
(phone beeps)
212
00:09:48,803 --> 00:09:50,686
Oh, it's Gabi texting me.
213
00:09:50,687 --> 00:09:52,921
- Probably wanting to apologize.
- Mm-hmm.
214
00:09:52,990 --> 00:09:55,024
Nope, it's just a picture of her butt.
215
00:09:56,980 --> 00:09:58,346
You want to get her back?
216
00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:00,648
Ignore her. Be the bigger person.
217
00:10:01,683 --> 00:10:03,417
Where have you been all my life?
218
00:10:06,211 --> 00:10:07,778
What did they text back?
219
00:10:07,779 --> 00:10:09,646
Nothing. They can't think of a comeback.
220
00:10:09,647 --> 00:10:11,547
- They're so boring.
- I know.
221
00:10:11,548 --> 00:10:13,068
Hey, you know what's not boring?
222
00:10:13,388 --> 00:10:14,918
Couponing!
223
00:10:15,822 --> 00:10:17,022
Margaritas!
224
00:10:17,023 --> 00:10:18,223
Yeah!
225
00:10:22,969 --> 00:10:24,770
Oh, it's good to take a little break.
226
00:10:24,771 --> 00:10:26,217
- Oh, you need a break?
- No, do you?
227
00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:27,418
- No.
- Gotcha.
228
00:10:27,774 --> 00:10:29,775
I could party like this every day.
229
00:10:29,810 --> 00:10:31,174
Me too.
230
00:10:32,243 --> 00:10:34,611
My heart feels like it's about to explode.
231
00:10:34,736 --> 00:10:36,704
From all the fun and excitement.
232
00:10:36,705 --> 00:10:38,024
Oh.
233
00:10:38,025 --> 00:10:40,461
And my feet are throbbing.
234
00:10:40,803 --> 00:10:42,403
To the rhythm of the techno.
235
00:10:43,988 --> 00:10:46,094
You know what? Let's go change outfits,
236
00:10:46,095 --> 00:10:48,564
so we can get back out there.
237
00:10:49,169 --> 00:10:50,525
You know it.
238
00:10:51,238 --> 00:10:52,972
But, you know what else?
239
00:10:53,007 --> 00:10:56,843
I'm noticing you get a better
view of the parade from right here.
240
00:10:57,232 --> 00:11:00,500
I wonder if it's even better sitting down?
241
00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:03,214
Let me see.
242
00:11:04,585 --> 00:11:06,419
But just for a brief mo.
243
00:11:08,780 --> 00:11:10,848
(Both sigh)
244
00:11:15,021 --> 00:11:17,155
So, as our lives become easier,
245
00:11:17,156 --> 00:11:20,525
the computers doing our jobs will
be the ones who'll need therapy.
246
00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:24,329
And thanks to my algorithm,
they'll be able to get it.
247
00:11:24,330 --> 00:11:25,530
(Audience gasps)
248
00:11:26,362 --> 00:11:27,951
Reminds me of a joke.
249
00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:31,503
Why was the computer stressed
out when it got home from work?
250
00:11:32,429 --> 00:11:35,028
'Cause it had a hard drive.
251
00:11:35,029 --> 00:11:36,229
(Audience laughs)
252
00:11:36,277 --> 00:11:37,477
Did you hear that?
253
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:39,301
No. No, he stole my joke!
254
00:11:39,352 --> 00:11:41,320
(Laughing)
255
00:11:41,321 --> 00:11:42,588
(Laughing)
256
00:11:42,589 --> 00:11:44,056
My gosh, you're so right.
257
00:11:44,057 --> 00:11:46,294
Having a few friends over
totally mellowed me out.
258
00:11:46,359 --> 00:11:49,261
Or maybe it's the pitcher of margaritas?
259
00:11:50,059 --> 00:11:51,360
That too.
260
00:11:51,361 --> 00:11:53,028
(Phone beeps)
261
00:11:53,564 --> 00:11:56,403
Oh, some more margarita
drinkers are on their way up.
262
00:11:56,404 --> 00:11:58,701
- Fun! Oh...
- (Phone rings)
263
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,988
oh, it's my boss.
264
00:12:01,082 --> 00:12:03,138
You buzz your friends
in, I'll handle this guy.
265
00:12:05,445 --> 00:12:06,645
Hey, boss.
266
00:12:06,646 --> 00:12:08,743
Gabi, this is a disaster!
267
00:12:08,744 --> 00:12:10,520
I'm trying to call Elliot,
and he's not picking up.
268
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:11,450
What's wrong?
269
00:12:11,451 --> 00:12:13,277
The guy before me stole my joke!
270
00:12:14,581 --> 00:12:17,216
What? Why would he steal that...
271
00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,605
awesome joke.
272
00:12:19,032 --> 00:12:21,551
Because of its awesomeness, Gabi.
273
00:12:22,557 --> 00:12:26,459
And now... now, I'm about to go on,
and something weird is happening to me.
274
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:29,400
My... my... my hands are
shaking, I'm starting to sweat.
275
00:12:29,401 --> 00:12:32,226
Okay, well, it's just stage fright,
okay? It happens to everybody.
276
00:12:32,227 --> 00:12:33,427
Not me.
277
00:12:37,192 --> 00:12:39,326
Oh, wow, my chest is tight.
278
00:12:39,327 --> 00:12:41,136
Okay, just take a deep breath.
279
00:12:41,137 --> 00:12:44,229
If it gets bad during your talk, just
picture the audience in their underwear.
280
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:45,897
Hey, funny man, you're on.
281
00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:47,340
Oh, I gotta go on.
282
00:12:47,937 --> 00:12:50,050
I knew I should have brought my harmonica.
283
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,662
(Rock music playing)
284
00:12:53,127 --> 00:12:54,327
Ah!
285
00:12:54,711 --> 00:12:55,911
Wah!
286
00:12:56,433 --> 00:12:58,834
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
287
00:12:58,835 --> 00:13:00,199
Gracie?
288
00:13:01,372 --> 00:13:04,308
Gracie! Gracie, you said a few
of your friends were coming up.
289
00:13:04,309 --> 00:13:07,010
Oh, calm down. The rest
will be here real soon.
290
00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:08,812
(Glass breaking)
291
00:13:09,036 --> 00:13:11,815
Please welcome to the
Ed stage, Josh Kaminski.
292
00:13:11,816 --> 00:13:12,960
(Audience applauds)
293
00:13:12,961 --> 00:13:14,395
Dude, you're on.
294
00:13:17,738 --> 00:13:19,859
I said podium down! Oh, never mind.
295
00:13:23,972 --> 00:13:25,172
Hi.
296
00:13:26,927 --> 00:13:29,488
I'm Josh Kaminski.
297
00:13:31,139 --> 00:13:32,595
And, uh...
298
00:13:33,511 --> 00:13:36,849
Today, I'd like to... talk to you about...
299
00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,832
(Inhales deeply)
300
00:13:38,833 --> 00:13:40,434
about...
301
00:13:45,861 --> 00:13:47,061
It worked.
302
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:53,607
Today, I would like to talk to you
about alternate paths to success.
303
00:13:57,098 --> 00:13:58,564
Uh-oh.
304
00:13:59,844 --> 00:14:01,044
Down, boy.
305
00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:04,138
How do we measure succ-sex?
306
00:14:04,139 --> 00:14:06,641
(Chuckles) Sex. Sex.
307
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,104
Success.
308
00:14:08,964 --> 00:14:10,599
Well, it's hard.
309
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,635
It is really hard. I wish it wasn't hard...
310
00:14:17,419 --> 00:14:18,719
but it is.
311
00:14:20,399 --> 00:14:21,833
We each have our own path.
312
00:14:25,217 --> 00:14:27,865
Is it straight? Not always.
313
00:14:28,253 --> 00:14:30,954
Is it long? Everything's relative!
314
00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:33,410
(Audience gasps)
315
00:14:39,070 --> 00:14:41,048
Oh, not the gasp I was hoping for.
316
00:14:46,873 --> 00:14:48,407
What a rush.
317
00:14:48,408 --> 00:14:51,235
Ha-ha! I can't believe
I've never couponed before.
318
00:14:51,236 --> 00:14:52,903
You would never know it.
319
00:14:52,962 --> 00:14:54,363
Thank you.
320
00:14:56,092 --> 00:14:57,626
What are you doing?
321
00:14:57,627 --> 00:14:59,324
Oh, just taking my share of the pine sol.
322
00:14:59,325 --> 00:15:01,092
- Your share?
- Yeah.
323
00:15:01,093 --> 00:15:03,755
You bought it, but I saved
you 40 cents with my coupon,
324
00:15:03,756 --> 00:15:05,512
so just taking my 40 cents worth.
325
00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:06,780
It's fair.
326
00:15:07,777 --> 00:15:11,316
Well, it might be fair, but it's
a little insane, don't you think?
327
00:15:11,447 --> 00:15:13,164
Oh, I get it.
328
00:15:13,186 --> 00:15:16,087
This is because I didn't pay you for gas.
329
00:15:16,088 --> 00:15:20,492
Oh, no, no. I drove five blocks.
I wouldn't charge you for gas.
330
00:15:20,493 --> 00:15:21,880
Well, maybe if you did,
331
00:15:21,881 --> 00:15:24,649
you wouldn't have to rent your house
out to strangers on the Internet.
332
00:15:25,243 --> 00:15:28,604
Whoa. What's happening here?
333
00:15:28,974 --> 00:15:31,446
I thought we were on the same page.
334
00:15:31,499 --> 00:15:33,323
And I think I'm getting a headache. Hmm.
335
00:15:33,324 --> 00:15:34,833
Oh, you want some aspirin?
336
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,135
Uh, yeah, thanks.
337
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,374
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
338
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:39,955
That'll be 57 cents.
339
00:15:42,331 --> 00:15:44,899
(Rock music playing)
340
00:15:48,274 --> 00:15:50,542
Hey, you know what would be really fun?
341
00:15:50,543 --> 00:15:52,446
If everybody left!
342
00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:56,134
Gracie!
343
00:15:56,483 --> 00:15:57,683
Gabi!
344
00:15:57,956 --> 00:16:00,324
Wait, why are you still wearing a bra?
345
00:16:01,137 --> 00:16:02,471
What the hell is happening?
346
00:16:02,472 --> 00:16:04,039
You gotta get everybody out of here!
347
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,398
Oh, it's just a couple of people. And my
friend Jared thinks you're really cute.
348
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:08,986
Really? No!
349
00:16:09,712 --> 00:16:11,480
You gotta get everybody out.
350
00:16:11,515 --> 00:16:13,149
Wait, what's happening to you?
351
00:16:13,183 --> 00:16:15,062
You're turning into such a Sofia.
352
00:16:15,624 --> 00:16:16,893
Sofia?
353
00:16:17,054 --> 00:16:18,813
I'm a Sofia?
354
00:16:19,056 --> 00:16:22,350
If I'm turning into a Sofia, the only
reason is because you're acting like a...
355
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,685
oh, my God.
356
00:16:24,332 --> 00:16:25,538
Whoa.
357
00:16:25,539 --> 00:16:27,934
Did you just say "Sofia," like, 12 times?
358
00:16:27,935 --> 00:16:29,790
Or am I really wasted?
359
00:16:30,232 --> 00:16:31,863
(Phone rings)
360
00:16:32,970 --> 00:16:35,405
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's my boss!
361
00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:37,088
Help!
362
00:16:38,870 --> 00:16:41,138
Hey, Josh. Pretty quiet.
What's going on there?
363
00:16:42,285 --> 00:16:45,254
Let's just say the Ed
Talk didn't go as planned.
364
00:16:46,835 --> 00:16:48,035
I'm coming home.
365
00:16:48,036 --> 00:16:49,252
What? Home?
366
00:16:49,253 --> 00:16:52,255
Josh, I'm sure it was fine.
You're always so hard on yourself.
367
00:16:53,281 --> 00:16:54,900
You have no idea.
368
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,045
I'm leaving right now.
369
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,951
But... but it's not
Sunday, and you said Sunday.
370
00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:04,465
Gabi, all I wanna do is crawl into my
bed and never see anyone ever again.
371
00:17:04,466 --> 00:17:05,766
See you in 30 minutes.
372
00:17:08,404 --> 00:17:09,705
Oh, God...
373
00:17:09,706 --> 00:17:11,001
Please help.
374
00:17:11,002 --> 00:17:13,446
Show me a way to get those people
out of there and... and I promise
375
00:17:13,447 --> 00:17:15,899
- I'll go to church every week.
- (Elevator dings)
376
00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:17,200
Every other week.
377
00:17:17,890 --> 00:17:19,224
Sofia, what are you doing here?
378
00:17:19,225 --> 00:17:21,010
That Sam was wound way too tight.
379
00:17:21,011 --> 00:17:22,862
Yeah, and Gracie is out of control.
380
00:17:22,863 --> 00:17:25,264
She threw a party, and now
Josh is on his way here,
381
00:17:25,265 --> 00:17:27,875
and there's like a gazillion people
in there, and they won't leave!
382
00:17:27,876 --> 00:17:30,710
This is all my fault. I'm gonna
lose my job. You gotta help me.
383
00:17:30,936 --> 00:17:33,457
Well, I might have a stick up my ass,
384
00:17:33,458 --> 00:17:35,436
but they're about to have a foot up theirs.
385
00:17:37,858 --> 00:17:39,692
Sofia, I don't know what you're gonna do.
386
00:17:39,693 --> 00:17:41,343
I mean, these people are
totally out of control!
387
00:17:41,344 --> 00:17:43,120
We're never gonna get them out of here.
388
00:17:44,723 --> 00:17:46,040
(Whistles)
389
00:17:46,041 --> 00:17:47,241
People!
390
00:17:47,242 --> 00:17:49,843
I'm Sofia Maria Consuela
Rafaella Rodriguez,
391
00:17:49,844 --> 00:17:51,044
and you're done!
392
00:17:57,583 --> 00:17:58,783
(Car honks)
393
00:17:58,784 --> 00:18:00,796
Oh! What's going on?
394
00:18:00,850 --> 00:18:03,130
No, Josh, I'm engaged.
395
00:18:03,931 --> 00:18:05,231
What's happening?
396
00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:07,403
Oh, God. We missed it.
397
00:18:07,404 --> 00:18:10,373
Ugh. The parade has literally passed us by.
398
00:18:10,653 --> 00:18:12,408
Elliot, I have a confession to make.
399
00:18:12,409 --> 00:18:14,522
This holiday is exhausting.
400
00:18:14,981 --> 00:18:18,738
Man wasn't made to dance
for more than 10 minutes.
401
00:18:19,397 --> 00:18:22,767
Celebrations should have places to sit.
402
00:18:24,006 --> 00:18:25,639
Let's face it,
403
00:18:25,829 --> 00:18:27,030
we're old.
404
00:18:27,122 --> 00:18:28,370
Yes.
405
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:30,324
But, in the spirit of pride,
406
00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:32,412
let's be honest about who we are.
407
00:18:35,486 --> 00:18:38,789
We're old! We're tired! Get used to it!
408
00:18:41,021 --> 00:18:43,953
It doesn't get any better! It gets harder!
409
00:18:44,422 --> 00:18:46,672
I dye my hair!
410
00:18:46,987 --> 00:18:48,755
I buy mine!
411
00:18:54,942 --> 00:18:56,509
- Hi, Josh.
- Hey, what's up?
412
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,511
Nothing! Nothing's up.
413
00:19:00,668 --> 00:19:01,868
Ugh.
414
00:19:02,124 --> 00:19:03,403
What a nightmare.
415
00:19:03,404 --> 00:19:04,838
Tell me about it.
416
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:07,373
This weekend was supposed to be so great.
417
00:19:07,383 --> 00:19:08,883
It turned into a disaster.
418
00:19:08,884 --> 00:19:10,239
- I hear you.
- Totally get it.
419
00:19:10,952 --> 00:19:15,662
I have never felt so naked and exposed.
420
00:19:16,212 --> 00:19:17,745
And sad.
421
00:19:17,746 --> 00:19:19,116
And alone.
422
00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:21,874
It's like you think you
know what you're doing.
423
00:19:21,875 --> 00:19:23,742
You got it all planned out.
424
00:19:24,004 --> 00:19:27,069
Yeah, but you know there's nothing wrong
with planning. Planning can be good.
425
00:19:27,575 --> 00:19:29,076
Aww.
426
00:19:29,161 --> 00:19:32,008
And then something pops up out of nowhere
427
00:19:32,009 --> 00:19:34,219
and takes you completely by surprise.
428
00:19:35,178 --> 00:19:36,883
But there's nothing wrong with surprises.
429
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,282
You know, surprises can be fun.
430
00:19:38,316 --> 00:19:39,675
Aww.
431
00:19:40,676 --> 00:19:42,352
But, hey, you know what's great?
432
00:19:42,605 --> 00:19:45,211
Being able to come home and be
with people who make you feel good.
433
00:19:45,212 --> 00:19:47,453
Oh, I missed you so much!
434
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:48,654
I missed you more!
435
00:19:49,535 --> 00:19:51,022
I've only been gone like three hours.
436
00:19:51,614 --> 00:19:54,148
- I love you so much!
- I love you more!
437
00:19:54,765 --> 00:19:55,965
This is nice.
438
00:19:55,966 --> 00:19:57,498
This is uplifting.
439
00:19:59,663 --> 00:20:01,348
Maybe a little too uplifting.
440
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:04,303
Not again, not again, not
again, not again, not again...
441
00:20:08,156 --> 00:20:11,042
Elliot, my speech was a complete failure.
442
00:20:11,144 --> 00:20:12,590
Your speech was,
443
00:20:12,591 --> 00:20:15,032
but your song's a raging success.
444
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:16,313
What are you talking about?
445
00:20:16,347 --> 00:20:19,538
As your publicist, I took
matters into my own hands
446
00:20:19,539 --> 00:20:21,118
to get in front of the story.
447
00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:24,810
Hi, I'm Josh Kaminski.
448
00:20:24,811 --> 00:20:26,525
How do we measure success?
449
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,102
(Electronic music plays)
450
00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,161
Well, it's hard, hard, hard
451
00:20:31,162 --> 00:20:32,698
it's really hard
452
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,860
really hard. I wish it wasn't hard
453
00:20:34,861 --> 00:20:35,933
but it is.
454
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:37,767
In life,
you have to behands on
455
00:20:37,768 --> 00:20:39,883
hands on, you have to
be hands on, hands on
456
00:20:39,884 --> 00:20:42,105
I mean, that's really good.
That must've taken you forever.
457
00:20:42,106 --> 00:20:44,674
Yeah. It was really hard.
458
00:20:44,803 --> 00:20:46,003
(Snickers)
459
00:20:46,004 --> 00:20:48,512
Sync & corrections by PetaG
- www.addic7ed.com -
460
00:20:48,562 --> 00:20:53,112
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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