Original subtitles

No, you give me the Crunch Berries,

then you get the remote, dumb-dumb.

No, I want... I will take the remote first...

You're not gonna get the remote.

- And then I will give you this. - Give me five Crunch berries...

- Guys, we've got a problem. - Yeah.

Saturday morning cartoons start very soon

and all we have is this mini nug.

Maybe enough for one hit each, tops.

So if my math is correct, that's only, like...

This is fine, okay? We just need to think.

We need to figure out a way to maximize our precious resources.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Just be willing to try any angle.

- Okay, so let's try angles. - Hmm.

Try some angles... Bermuda Triangle.

- High. - Right, great, yeah.

We wanna get high. High angle, high angle.

BermuDope HighAngle.

All: BermuDope HighAngle.

Get me a marker!

[chorus sings]

Okay, so listen up, all right?

On the count of three, we blaze the little bit of nug we have.

- Yep. - You inhale, hold it in,

and then at the sound of the shotgun...

[shotgun clicks on speaker]

[exhales] Then, next sound of the shotgun...

Inhale, pipe from the left... We got a shotgun situation.

Let's go, come on.

Okay, let's just get to blazing

- so we can watch "Paw Patrol." - Okay, here we go, ready?

- Yeah. - One, two, three.

Roast your bowlios.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

[shotgun clicks]

Exhale!

[shotgun clicks]

- What? - What the...

- I'm pulling over. - Oh, my God.

[laughing]

- Dude, is this for real? - [coughing]

Hola, welcome to the BermuDope HighAngle.

Dude, this is the next, next, next, man.

I mean, the hits just keep coming.

- Oh, I'm super high. - That worked.

What is this for? Like a dope party or something?

No, no, no, no, this is just us.

What we do on a Saturday with my bros.

Smoking weed with my only friends.

- I love you guys. - I love you to death man,

I really love you.

You guys are great dudes.

Is it cool if we get in on that or...

- Yes, please. - Thank you.

- Yes! - Thank you... this is amazing.

- That's awesome, man. - Awesome, um...

is it cool if I, like, call some people over?

Like, they gotta see this.

Yeah, dude, more people, yeah... call 'em up, man.

I got a pocket full of rubbers, and my homeboys do too.

- Wait, what's up? - We got booze and beer.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Cool, cool, I will...

I'll spread the word. By the way, it's Friday, so.

- Right, right. - Sure.

- Wait, what? - My iCal says it's Friday.

- You guys said... - [together] You said Saturday.

Dude, we're supposed to be at work right now.

Okay, should we just go? Should be like,

Oh, we got a flat tire on the way... or, like, we slept in.

Anders, it's not about flat tires or sleeping in.

It's about the fact that we don't get to watch "Paw Patrol"

- until 24 hours from now. - [bleep]

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta, you gotta

Gotta be fresh

[all whooping]

Dude, you just rolled, like, 30 joints

in, like, what ten minutes?

Yeah, yeah, yes, I did.

And I'm about to smoke five in ten seconds.

- Oh, my God, dude! - Oh!

- He continues to amaze me. - Every time.

- This is magic right here. - Yo, um...

can we, like, touch your hair or something?

Like, would that be cool with you?

Like, not to be weird.

Uh... okay.

And The Human Jock Box

[beatboxing]

- We got the beats - Ahh, it tickles!

It tickles! Don't-don't-don't-don't-ahh!

Oh-oh, gosh! Do not do that again, please.

I'm kidding. Definitely do that again.

Ahh!

What can I say? I'm 6'3" and I got a dive like Jager.

A what like who?

Tom Jager, baby.

Here's a funky fresh sound

[beatboxing]

Okay, does anyone know who he's talking about?

- We are freakin' party gods! - This party is really rockin'.

Yo, dudes!

Are you guys drinking on the roof?

That's that next-next like next-next, dude.

It is the next-next. It's next-next-next-next.

It's just part of living that tight butthole life.

Oh, tight butthole! Dude, that's awesome.

Yo, I'm Snapchatting this if that's cool.

Yo, the bros are my new favorite dudes.

They throw down, they smoke!

And they keep a tight butthole!

All: Tight butthole! Tight butthole!

Tight butthole! Tight butthole!

[all cheering]

[beatboxing]

Whoo!

[all cheering]

We really blew this bitch up, didn't we?

Check this out. That's a new record.

- Oh! - Well, well, well.

You boys made quite the noise this weekend,

Lot of people that think you're pretty dope.

Or should I say... tight butthole?

- [all laughing] - You could say that.

- We do say that. - Yeah, that's our thing.

- So don't use it. - My name is Kurt Fossil.

Marketing director, Bango Energy Drinks.

We saw the social media blitz you guys pulled off

over the weekend, and it was gorgeous.

We believe with our sponsorship,

we can take your parties up a notch and get rich quick.

Oh, my God. Cool. That's the best way to get rich.

Yeah, that's my favorite way to get rich, yeah.

You guys, we can quit TAC and just, like,

get wasted all the time!

- I'm in, sir. - Thank you Mike.

That's a dream come true, yes. I'm gonna mogulize my lifestyle.

I'm gonna be like... [stammering] Like...

- I can't think of a mogul. - William Randolph Hearst.

- Paula Abdul. - Actually, I don't know.

I'm kinda sketched out, guys.

- I don't know if I wanna do this. - Really?

No, not really! I'm yanking your chain.

I got you, man. I'm basically like a human can

of Mountain Dew Kickstart with hair.

- [laughing] - Make that a Bango.

- That's a free can. - What?

Plenty more where those came from.

- He gave it to me. - Is this free?

And just to show you we're down, this is a bucket hat.

I want you guys to share it.

- Whoa! - Just... no!

- Give it! - I want that one!

- Be cool in front of the dude! - Just give it!

Oh, sorry, dude. Sir.

Looks pretty tight butthole, right?

- All: Tight butthole! - Yeah!

- all: One, two, three, four... - Right on.

Oh, good girl. Shake that dick, boy!

- Wiggle waggle. - 10, 11, 12!

[all cheering]

Yeah! Keg stand. Very cool, I like it.

- Nice. - I wanna see you do it.

- I'll lift you up. - Yeah!

Yeah, no, you don't need to lift me.

Because I actually have an assistant now.

Flex for 'em, Goons. Get you some. Pop them titties.

Pop them titties. Pop them titty muscles.

[all cheering]

- Hoist thy ankles, Goons. - Hoisting thy ankles, baby!

- He repeats everything I say. - You got this!

Actually, let's record this, right?

- Okay. - Okay.

Let's all start at 20 so it seems like

I'm better at drinking and then we hashtag it "Bango"

- on all social media, okay? - Bango, baby!

All: 20, 21, 22...

23, 24, 25, 26!

[all cheering]

- Get it! - Lemme see it! Lemme see it!

You didn't hit record. We'll have to do it again.

- Go again. Go again. - We'll go again!

Go, Anders! Go me!

You see that? We wore Speedos

back when swimming was swimming, man.

None of that bodysuit bullshit. Not even jammers.

- What're jammers? - Is that a [bleep] joke?

- No, no. - You're a joke.

You're a [bleep] joke.

Can we watch the basketball game for a little bit?

It's game seven today.

[retches]

Looks like you're done for the night.

[laughs] What?

Never heard of a boot and rally?

[belches] I just made room for ten more drinks, sista.

And trust me, I know what I'm talking about

because I get paid to party.

You've been Bango'd.

[Theremin warbling]

I'm the daddy. I'm the baby!

- Dude, this is so dope. - It's so [bleep] cool, dude.

Ooh, you like that? You like that?

- You like that? You like that? - Yeah!

[all cheering]

So you're, like, weird, huh?

Yeah, you don't just slam beers.

Like, you do all this crazy stuff.

Yeah, sometimes I slam the occasional beer

and sometimes I just like to blaze up and get weird.

- Huh? - [both laugh]

- Let's get weird! - [together] Let's get weird!

Yeah, what's up with the wigs? Making fun of me?

Bango slacker costumes, free when you buy a case.

- Oh, that's dope. - I gotta get one thing.

- Oh, hey, man. - Hey.

- You want... I got an extra. - Dude, you gotta wear

- one of those. - This guy is our party gawd!

[all shouting]

Okay, yeah, I don't really believe in a supreme being.

I'm, uh... I guess you could say I'm more of a...

eighth-eist.

- Oh, like weed! - [all shouting]

I didn't get it at first, but now that I do,

I'm in, like, a way better place emotionally.

- Yo, hit this, dude. - Okay, I mean...

first time for everything, right?

- Oh, yeah, hit that shit, bro. - Hit it, bro!

- Yeah, two hands. Two hands. - Like a little piccolo!

- [gagging] - [all laughing]

- See this guy? - [all cheering]

Yeah, hey, who wants to see me jump off this freakin' roof?

- Oh, I do! - [all cheering]

- Dude! - I do as well!

Yeah, I'm gonna. It's, like, actually a really great way

to get the attention over to you.

Everybody starts talking about you at the party, it's cool.

You know what? I love people talking about me.

- We should do it. - I'm there. I'm done.

- We're going. - Are you guys...

- Well, that's sort of my thing. - Let's do this.

No, no! That's my thing, guys!

No, you... you can't! That's my thing!

- [all cheering] - That's my thing!

I'm gonna do it too! Break a leg!

No, only one person can do it. Wait, jump... that's my thing!

[leg snaps]

[all gasping]

[screaming]

Dude, are you okay?

So bad! Hey, hey!

It's nothing a little weed won't fix, right?

I don't know.

Later, skaters! These guys are actual skateboarders.

- Actual skaters, baby! - Skaters, baby, yeah.

Good morning. Dope party, fellas.

I'm so proud of you. Bango is flying off the shelves.

You guys are off the Richter scale.

- Death toll in the hundreds. - [hisses]

Thank you so much for saying that... that means a lot.

Yeah, man, it was awesome, but hey.

I got a couple creative ideas to run past you, all right?

- Sure. - So I was thinking maybe

we could do, like, theme parties, right?

Like, everybody dresses up like clowns

or, like, post-apocalyptic.

Something like way out there and crazy, right.

- Yeah. - We at Bango believe

that the most "out there" thing we can do

is to keep doing the same thing over and over again.

- Yep. - Okay.

But on a webseries.

- Are we talking business? - Yeah.

- Isaac. - Okay, good.

Isaac Lubetkin, Adam's manager.

- [no audible dialogue] - This webseries.

Are we talking a rev-share?

Because that's a thing I've at least overheard

- is a word for stuff. - Mmhmm. Okay.

Gentlemen, we've built a brand.

- Now we build an empire. - An empire!

Fu... yeah, I was just saying that.

That's also one of my favorite shows.

We build a set, we hire extras.

We shoot four scripted parties a day in a controlled environment

and then we drop a new party episode online every Friday

and the kids can party with the dudes world wiz-ide.

- On the world wide wiz-eb. - What?

We are gold until we drop season two

and that's when the money starts rolling in.

- [laughing] - Okay, yeah!

Hang on, hang on, hang on, okay?

'Cause my client's not just gonna keep working

- for a hat split three ways. - Yep.

Those days are over, Kurt, baby.

- My guy right here... - My guy.

He is willing to work for three hats split one way.

I think I can get you one hat.

- Hang on. - Pst.

Yeah, baby.

We can work with that.

Ders, Ders, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're drinking out of a garbage can, man.

It's a garbage cup.

He's insane

The ff... [bell rings]

All right, everybody, let's clear the set.

Hello.

We're rolling in five.

Hello? Am I supposed to be doing something, going somewhere?

Yeah, I got eyes on Blake.

Morning, Blake, they need you in hair and makeup

before you meet with the stunt coordinator.

What? No, no. I can't do any stunts.

I got some email from Isaac yesterday.

Evidently, stunts are exclusive to Adam.

That is correct, but we're still going back and forth

on Adam's contract, and honestly,

your hair is testing better than Adam's dimples.

Yeah, so we think this is the best move for "Party Gawds."

[stammers] I don't know.

Why don't you just let Ders do it or something?

He's not in the best of condition.

Hey.

What do you say we go back to my dressing room,

strip you down to nothing but that belt

and [bleep] like the world's about to end?

- Excuse me? - Oh, I was just running lines.

Okay, yo, whoa! What the hell is that?

It's a weave.

Kurt wanted to amp up your look.

Make it bigger. Way bigger.

Okay, no, that's insane.

I look like a Mortal Kombat character.

I think you look cool. Johnny Cage cool.

Uh... what are you doing here, man?

Oh, I'm here to watch, man.

Bango hooked me up with a set visit

instead of paying my medical bills.

Pretty sick, right?

- Tight butthole. - Yeah, yeah, sure.

Um, so, uh... when are you gonna be walking again?

- Like, a week or a month? - Oh, never.

But it's cool, man. You know, I get to tell people

that Blake Henderson saw me get paralyzed!

- I'm so jealous. - I hate my legs now.

Stop! Stop! Take the weave somewhere.

Yeah, his hair's perfect. He doesn't need it.

You guys, no, it's gone too far, all right?

You have to stop. Listen to me.

The partying, the clothes, the hair.

I mean, come on! It's just hair, man.

It's dead fingernails or something like fingernails...

Like, but on your head, like a horn,

like a rhino's horn, which is also hair, I think...

- Don't say that. - No, dude.

Okay, no. All right, you need to see this.

- No. - What are you doing?

It's just hair, man. It doesn't...

mean anything. It's not who I am, all right?

- No, no! - Please, hey, dude!

- [all screaming] - I'm doing it!

- Don't! No, no, no! - It's just hair.

- Shut up! I'm doing it! - Please!

[all screaming]

- [somber music] - No!

Why?

It's not me. It's just hair.

[clippers whirring]

Ahh! All right.

Now that that's gone, whom is your party gawd now?

You still look incredible.

Hey. Losers.

- I'll be your god. - Ahah! Please don't.

Oh, fine, fine! Take it!

Dude, there's no booze anywhere on set.

Okay, this stuff? This stuff, I was like,

"Oh, here we go, let's party. Nope, nonalcoholic."

It's all fake. It's all fake! Nothing's real!

I don't know what's real anymore.

- Oh, Jesus Christ. - Okay, Ders will be fine.

We'll get him some water, some rest, I'll take care...

What happened to your goddamn hair?

- It's gone, okay? I'm sorry. - Ohh...

No, no, no, no, 'cause I'm sick of being used, all right?

I'm a human being! I'm not a goddamn action figure!

- Step back! - Action figure?

I like the sound of that.

Isaac, let's do action figures, right?

- Done. - Instead of DeMamp Muff Diver's Kit.

Yeah, which was, by the way, a terrible idea.

- I still like it, though. - Yeah.

And that's why we're still doing it.

Okay, Goons, turkey bacon shake?

Turkey bacon shakin', baby doggy.

Thank you, baby doggy.

Kurt, I got great news, okay? Contract is signed.

That means my boy Adam is ready to crush

this opening stunt, all right?

Only deal is, he's gotta be in Slim Jim.

All right, everything Slim Jim, Kurt.

Top to bottom, it's gotta be Slim Jim, okay?

Blake's doing the stunt.

You backstabbing, hairy asshole.

Adam, I'm not doing the stunt, all right?

[gasps] Your brand!

I don't care about the brands, Adam, stop.

After all the exposure that I've given us

with my SoCal Helpful Honda center radio spot audition,

- potential forthcoming callback? - Okay, the what?

All right, I'm doing the stunt.

Excuse me. It's my show.

You're not doing the stunt.

Well, newsflash, sir. Neither am I.

- Fine! - I'm doing it!

- I'll do the stunt. - No, I want to.

- I ain't afraid to die. - No one asked him.

- He doesn't even have a brand. - Jager!

He doesn't even have a brand...

- [electricity crackles] - Whoa!

- Oh, shit! - That wasn't the stunt.

There's a whole thing with a Vespa and some Silly String.

Oh, my God, Ders!

Did you do this to spite me?

I was just trying to kill myself.

So then that's yes? Oh, it's a PR move.

- What? - You're trying to out-brand me?

Is that what... you don't even have a brand, Ders.

At least Blake had a brand til he shaved it off.

He doesn't even have a brand! You know what?

You're a nice guy, and I plan on speaking at your wedding,

but we are done professionally, mate.

Okay, look, these Bango guys, they got us all twisted up,

but you... we don't have to act like this, Adam.

I don't have to do a lot of things, okay?

- Like be your guys's friend. - What?

Another one of those things that I don't have to do

is wipe properly because I have a guy for that now.

That' strange. That's odd.

Yes, he wipes my ass for me, Blake.

It's part of having an assistant!

Good for you, Adam, but, you know, I have followers.

That kid right there, he tried to kill himself for me.

- That's pretty cool. - All right, that's it.

That's it. You guys... You think you're so cool.

You think you're so cool 'cause you got swag and followers.

Wow, great. You know what I got?

- Nothing, really? - You do not know karate.

- I don't know karate. - You do not know karate.

I never claimed to know karate ever.

Yeah, I don't think you know karate.

I'm not saying I do. I'm saying you don't.

Hey boys, come on, Let's party this puppy off.

Or pretend. Let's make some cash.

You know what?

- [bleep] this, right? - Yeah!

'Cause I'm done, so I will see you guys...

- but I don't wanna be you guys. - [both laughing]

Laugh harder. Laugh harder.

- That was... - Oh!

Catchphrase!

[soft rock music]

Yeah, this right here, I don't understand.

Why am I not the guy in the chair, right?

Oh, no, Adam, that's not how a bar mitzvah works.

I thought I was DJing at a sports bar called Bar Mitt Fuzz.

It's a bar mitt and there's fuzz in it.

- Bar Mitt Fuzz, baby doggy! - Don't do that.

- Please, stop baby-dogging. - Hey.

Wod it kill you to play another song?

Why, you don't like this one?

I think Asher Roth is tight butthole.

But not 12 times in a row.

This song's very tight butthole.

The more you listen to it, the better it gets.

- It soaks in ya, right? - You know what?

Sorry, sir. Let me talk to him.

Oh, you're gonna talk to me? Goons, laugh. Laugh harder.

- [laughing] - Stop.

Don't laugh quite that hard.

Oh, man, you're gonna talk to me?

Well, Isaac, I do the talking. Josh!

Hey, bud. I understand that you're branding yourself

as a real man now. Well, guess what, bud?

No matter how much you brand, no matter how much you work,

your friends will backstab you.

Stab you in the back with a friendship knife!

Because they are jealous of your success.

And they'll betray you and steal the stunt.

I'm sorry that I'm screaming.

Mayim Bialik, everyone. Enjoy.

- Uh, that's an actress. - She played Blossom,

and she was on "Big Bang Theory."

- She's Sheldon's girlfriend. - You know what?

You're a good guy and I like you

and I still plan on being a pallbearer

at your sister's funeral, but we're done professionally.

- [laughs] - Done professionally, my baby...

Stop it, Goons! You are fired.

And you are fired. Wait, is this real?

And you are immediately rehired, Goons,

because I need a ride home.

Hey.. Ah.

Tight butthole, man? Tight butthole job.

Hey, I was just wondering, maybe you'd be more comfortable

wearing something on your head?

Oh, you want me to cover my head? Why?

Something bothering you about it?

Look it's not me, okay? I love it.

You know, it's just the people probably

came here to, you know, see the hair and the cars.

Here, why don't you put on this?

Look, Diaz,

why don't you take a walk, all right,

before I lose my cool.

Put on the hat. I'm not gonna [bleep] pay you.

Yeah, okay, I'll wear that hat.

- Big fan. - Absolutely. Tight butthole.

- It gets sleazy. - [laughs]

And, uh...

tight butthole.

Hup! Hup! Whoa, way to finish, Corey.

Nicely done.

God, it feels good to be back on the deck,

away from all the BS... those clowns...

- Hey. - Yeah?

Sorry to be such a loose butthole,

but can you get back to the announcer's booth?

The next heat is about to start.

Right, yeah, sorry.

Good job, Corey.

[Asher Roth's "I Love College" plays over speakers]

All right, and next,

we've got the boys, 11-12, 100 butterfly.

National record held by the Chas Morton, of course.

In lane eight, Pat Heffernan.

But my good friends is all I need

Lane eight. Ha-ha.

You guys ever feel like sometimes

you're in the lane eight of life?

Probably we all do.

Treading water, trying to keep your head above

when we should really probably just sink

to the bottom of the pool, open our mouths, and...

let the water end it all.

Nope, okay.

In lane seven,

Brian Newman.

[laughs] Look who it is!

Blakey the loser came crawling back to TAC.

[scoffs] Well you're here, so "loser" you too, bitch.

Well, you're... Oh, you know what?

You're a son of one. Yeah, that's right, I said it.

- Son of a bitch, - That means...

That means your mom is!

No... oh, don't bring my mother...

Yeah, yeah, your mom!

- You know not to bring mama... - Ohh, I bring your mama!

- I bring your mama! - [belches]

Stop! Fighting!

Because you bother suck at it.

Ha-ha-ha-ha, you're both losers!

- I hate you. - I hate you!

- I hate you! - I hate you!

I hate you!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's all this shouting?

- I thought you were friends! - We are.

Friends don't talk like this to each other.

So I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense

because I know you're better than that!

And guys, don't take what you have for granted.

Because you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I mean..

- Yeah. - Joni Mitchell never lied.

- And Waymond never shuts up! - I was like,

is he gonna stop talking any time soon?

- Rambling. - Get the [bleep] out of here.

- Yeah, [bleep] you too. - I like him, honestly.

I mean, freakin' motormouth, but he had a point.

He did.

You know, guys, I think it's...

I think it's time we quit the show.

[rap music over radio] Ohho-ho-ho. Okay.

[music stops]

'Sup, slap dicks? Beef squashed?

Water under the B-ridge? Great.

'Cause tonight's gonna be insane.

- Back at the stage... - We're not gonna do it, Kurt.

We're done. Sowwy.

We're not doing it for the money.

And we're not doing it for the Bango.

- Although, we like the Bango. - Yeah, we've been Bango'd.

- You have to be joking. - No.

You're gonna give up the ultimate gig of party gawds

for what, weekend warrior wannabes?

- Come on. - We just wanna...

step things back a little bit, just go back to when we were...

- friends only. - I respect that.

We had a great ride. Blake.

Take this Bango slacker wig. Trust me.

Oh, okay. You want me to wear this thing.

- Smart. - This symbol of consumerism

- and neo-conformity. - Hey

- I don't think so, all right? - Blake, no offense,

but you gotta put that thing on.

You guys don't like this look?

You know, you're not that good-looking with it,

- but without it, very foul. - Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. - That was good. Keep that one.

- That's a keeper. - Keeper.

You ever heard of "puff, puff, pass," mother[bleep]?

Get in on that. That's real weed.

- That's real weed. - Of course it's real weed.

- That's real weed. - Of course it's real.

You know, I'm sorry about being such an egomaniac.

You know, I feel like I really learned something

- by having the show. - Yes, yes, thank you.

- Well, it's a webseries. - The webseries.

It's like I just need to be, like, a team player,

and like, I'm one of the guys.

- Yeah, totally. - Forever.

- Yeah. - Forever, I love you dogs.

- Yeah. - Dude, I love you guys.

I love you guys... real talk, I'm telling you right now.

I think the most important thing is that we just

- stay true to each other. - Right.

- Yep. Yep. - It's like maybe

- I take the wig off, you know? - Okay, yeah.

- Oh, yeah. - Hey, real talk,

remember how I almost killed myself?

If you take that wig off, I will, I swear to God.

Yeah, if I learned anything from having the show...

- Excuse me, webseries... - Webseries.

It's that you're the hair guy.

You know, you are the hair. Yeah, I have a small head

- and a large jaw. - Yeah, yeah, and I'm tall.

- You're tall? - Hair, height, humor.

- Thank you, thank you so much. - That is nice.

- Yeah, that's the show. - Mm-hmm.

- We should have a TV show or something. - Ah.

Nice.

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