Original subtitles

Movie night, baby. I love it.

Yeah, what are you sitting in? I'm not mad at it.

- You can't be mad at this. - No.

The real question here

is how not mad are you at this beer mug?

Oh, very unmad. It's a lot of fun.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Let's kick things off here with a foot job comp.

- All right. - Okay. Let's do it.

[smacking]

Hmm.

You know, not my porno.

Why don't we go bottom right, right there?

That butt-that butt's just winking at me.

[woman moaning]

Mmm, nope.

- Not my porno. - She's cute.

A little Amy Schumer looking.

[woman moaning]

No. He's rushing. Not my porno.

Pace yourself, bud.

- Geez. - You know?

Hey! How are you?

Howdy.

Can't see through the sheet, can they?

No. I wouldn't think so. No.

- Synced and corrected by MasterCookie - - www.addic7ed.com -

I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta

You gotta, gotta

Gotta be fresh

I mean what are we doing?

- What happened to porno? - That's what I was thinking.

I feel like it's lost all of its nuance.

That's right. Now, it's just...

It's like a jackhammer just plugging away at a Realdoll,

which I've actually seen that video before,

- and I liked it more than this. - Yeah.

I'm sorry, I like my porn stars with acting chops.

Yes, they should also have very expressive eyes

- while they're kind of... - Honestly, I miss Dan Yella.

- I mean what a porn star. - Yeah, absolutely.

Dare I say starred in the greatest porno

of all time,

"The Nutting Professor."

Oh, you're dating yourself.

I am. I am a little bit.

And Dan Yella, what a performance.

Are you kidding me? Seven different roles.

Remember the aunt in the fat suit?

"Oh, jerk it, please!

- Jerk it, please!" - Yes. Thank you.

Oh, the roll around the dinner table.

And what a body.

I didn't mind all the pubes.

I mean they were everywhere. I didn't care.

I mean there's literally no other man

- I'd rather watch do sex. - Yeah.

You know what?

To Mr. Dan Yella, our porno daddy.

- To Dan Yella. - Mr. Dan Yella.

Well, after scouring the Internet,

I couldn't find "The Nutting Professor,"

and I checked Brazzers,

Bangbros, Mofos, Rancho [bleep], PornHub,

- and YouPorn. - I know.

And I tried PornTube, Fapdu, Youjizz, Jizzpros.

I even tried Sublime Directory.

Did you just say "Sublime Directory"?

- Uh, yes, I did. - Found it! Yup.

And it wasn't on xHamster, 8th St. Latinas,

Captain Stabbin, or Mike in Brazil.

I love Mike in Brazil,

'cause he was in an apartment, and then he went to Brazil.

This is a cool way to see Brazil.

See the world, really.

- Guess where I did find it, though. - Where?

EBay. Yeah.

Two VHS copies,

and I'm currently the highest bidder.

That is awesome.

Yeah. Get on over here, dude.

Check it out. So I've just been in this bidding war

with "MR.NULEAF," and there's, well,

there's 30 seconds left, so...

- I just thought of something cool. - What?

What if we make a pact to,

like, not crank down until we get the movie?

Yeah, okay. That sounds like a good...

Bad idea. That's, like, not cool, right?

You know, I... and that's where I disagree with you, Anders.

I think it's necessary

because we must show respect for Dan Yella, right?

I don't know. I don't know.

- You're acting a little weird. - I'm not being weird.

Five seconds. Five seconds.

Four, three, two. Hit it. Hit it.

- That was too early. - You gotta...

- [all shouting] - I won! Yeah! We won! We won!

Congratulations. Good stuff, babe.

- So we won't crank down? - Yeah.

- No cranking down. - Okay.

That's official. That's fine.

I don't even know what to do since we can't jerk off.

I guess have some toast.

Man.

You guys ever notice DiDi got a real booty on her?

I've never noticed that.

No, I was waiting for that notification on my phone

about the package getting home.

When we get home, I call dibs on watching it first.

No, no, no, no, no. Let me get it.

Ders, what's going on?

Is something wrong?

Okay. I...

It was May 29, 2001.

I was on vaycay with my parents,

and we were staying in the same room,

so I couldn't stroke my dog.

Believe me, I tried.

One day, they went horseback riding

and dropped me off at a taping of VH1's "Storytellers."

Can you tell the story faster? 'Cause it's super boring.

No, no, no. Keep this pace.

Mm-mmm. That's my tempo.

Anyway, the artist was Natalie Imbruglia,

and she was singing her song, "Torn."

And then you ejacked in your little boy pants.

No. What are you... okay. Yes, I did.

But it was a whole bunch.

I fainted, and I had to go to the doctor.

So I've jacked off every day since,

and it's been three days, so I think I need first dibs, okay?

- Okay. - Great.

Yeah. That's fine.

- I care so little. - Yeah.

So you didn't even need to tell that stupid story.

He's right. That story really fizzled.

It was bad, and they always are.

That's the thing about your stories.

- And no offense... - Package is at the house.

Package is at the house. Let's go.

It's almost 5:00, right? We can go, right? Let's go.

- Let's go. - All right, yeah.

Now we're talking.

[tires screech]

All right.

Whoo!

It's not here.

- Huh? - It's not here!

- What? - What are you talking about?

- Where is it? - Okay. Don't panic.

Probably had a neighbor signed for it.

Yeah. That's probably what it is.

No reason to panic.

[knocking]

- Hey. - Hello.

Dean, how's it going?

We're just wondering if you signed for a package for us?

- [dogs barking] - No. I didn't for anything.

Packages probably got stolen.

I've had a bunch taken recently.

Honey, can you call the dogs?

Shake the treat box.

Shake the treat box! Sorry.

I'd say maybe try the neighborhood watch,

although they've been fairly useless recently.

Yeah. Hey, you know what?

We should start a vigilante group of our own

- to catch this guy. - God damn it!

Shake the treat box, Vicki!

No. I'm serious, man.

We could be, like, superheroes. We could wear costumes.

Ah, or we couldn't wear costumes

'cause it's a dumb idea, right, Ders?

Yup.

And that's why you're my best friend.

- That's why I love you, man. - Great.

I really do. Hey, Deano, what got stolen?

Dude, I ordered this awesome inflatable chair,

this cowboy boot-shaped mug.

You guys should come over sometime.

We can do beers, watch a Blues game.

Yeah. You know, maybe we will.

And thanks for the help today. Appreciate it.

- Well, good luck, guys. - Yeah, thanks.

You're a good guy.

Blues game.

Okay, yeah.

I stole some things from Dean.

We need to trap this guy who stole our package

and get our tape back so I can evacuate.

And that's why vigilante group is a great idea.

Check it out.

- Beat-Ass. - I don't like that.

- That's just Kick-Ass. - No.

Yeah. It's Kick-Ass, basically.

Adam, I heard you, since you had this conversation

on my front step.

I want my stuff back, buddy.

Scoot! Scoot!

- Go, go! - Scoot!

- Bye, Dean! - All right.

- So you're buried in the ground. - I am, yes.

Now, I'm gonna put this box over your head, right,

and I wrote "valuable electronics:

do not touch" on it.

When he takes the box...

[hisses]

- Spray him with the mace. - Yeah.

Meanwhile, Blake and I, we're gonna be over here in the 'Vo.

We're gonna jump out. We're gonna pounce.

No, no, no, no, no. Gnargoyle doesn't sit in cars.

I already told you this. He perches high above the city,

and then swoops down on his zip line when the city needs him.

Your shirt says "eat ass."

What?

Oh, God dang it.

The "B" keeps falling off.

Hey, how are you gonna be fighting crime

when you're busy eating ass all day?

You're not gonna be laughing when the Gnargoyle swoops down

and wreaks vigilante justice upon the city.

Yeah. You want to know what else isn't funny?

Made a Facebook page for Beat-Ass.

- Already got two likes. - That's cool.

You found two guys on the Internet

who wanted to get together and eat each other's butts.

- Very cool. - [laughs]

Oh! That was the best one yet.

Evil lurks in Cucamonga.

A hero waits.

His lower thigh's really starting to hurt from perching.

Hey, guys?

I'm getting hungry.

Can one of you go make me a grilled cheese?

Shh! Quiet!

You're gonna ruin this. You believe this guy?

It's like this is his first stakeout or something.

Shut up. Someone's coming. Someone's coming.

- Is it on? - Yeah.

We're ready. Let's do this.

[coughs]

I've got visual,

and it looks like a black guy in a hoodie.

- It's probably our guy, man. - Oh, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Being black and wearing a hoodie is not a crime, okay?

Come on.

No. No, no. I know. I'm not saying that.

I'm saying obviously, he could be anybody.

He could be a dentist or a judge

or a Prince of Bel-Air or something.

[coughing] Crazy dirty down here.

[sneezes]

[both scream]

Halt!

Flying drop kick attack!

Ow!

Hey. Okay. Okay.

We know you're the robber, so just give us the porno.

Yeah.

What? I'm here to join a group called Beat-Ass.

Oh, you made it.

Welcome to Beat-Ass HQ.

How many? How many fingers am I holding up? How many?

- 16? - Are you happy?

Your friend over here ruined our plan and blinded Adam.

Okay. He has a name, all right,

which I don't know, actually.

What is your name, friend?

My real name's Brian,

but my superhero name is Dr. Heals-good.

Okay. Very positive.

Mine is actually the Gnargoyle.

- Hey, Blake. - What?

It's all well and good,

but I am [bleep] blind over here!

Well, they don't call me Dr. Heals-good for no reason.

Wait. Are you, like, a real doctor?

With my best friend, Chester,

I can heal people with the greatest medicine of all,

laughter.

I'm out of penicillin.

- That was funny. - This, I hate.

Who's Chester?

- He's a dummy, Adam. - 'Kay, Ders.

Not everybody's dummies, okay?

I'm so sorry. Chester, please.

Welcome to our home.

This is ridiculous, okay?

We have no porno! I'm on eBay.

I'm bidding on another copy of "The Nutting Professor."

It's gonna be delivered to the office where

it's gonna require a signature so no one can steal it.

I remember that movie.

"Jerk it, please! Jerk it please!"

[laughter]

I mean I can't believe

the doctor says I'm only gonna be blind for a week.

It sucks, dude,

because I could totally get chicks like this, right?

Like, "Hey. What's up, bro?

Oh. Oh, sorry. You're a girl.

These are your boobs."

Yeah, can you... can you not squeeze

perfect large air breasts in front of me, man?

When am I gonna get this package?

Give me a notification, baby. Come on.

I'll play with her boobs all I want, Ders.

Why don't you just tie a rubber band around your ding-dong?

- What? - Yeah.

That way, you can't ejack.

- You know what? - What?

I bet I'm gonna have, like, superhero powers.

Like, my other senses are gonna be more on blast, right?

Like Daredevil or something.

Hey, guys.

- Oh! - Oh.

Ders, I heard Jillian,

like, clear as day from across the office.

Yeah, she's right here in a skirt.

Shut up. I smell it.

She's eating something.

It's like...

It's, like, grapes or, like,

peanut butter or... like, peanut buttery grapes or, like...

- Oh, no. That's... - No! Oh, Jesus Christ.

Adam, are you okay? You okay?

Okay. Yes. She's right here.

- That's Jillian. - Yeah, no.

Sorry about the stink, though.

- It's my pits. - Yes. They reek.

- Yeah. They're really bad. - Yeah.

Hot water's on the fritz,

so I'm using the drinking fountain to take whore's baths.

Whore's bath. What are you doing?

What are you doing to me?

I'm just gonna do the whole... yup.

What are you... oh.

And... yeah.

Guys.

Come out to the parking lot.

The package is here.

- What? - Come on.

I didn't get a notification.

Package?

[rock music]

[laughing] Well?

What's going on? Where's the package?

What do you mean? Right here.

Newest member of the Beat-Ass squad, The Total Package.

- Oh, okay. - Dude, you know what?

One question. Do you want me to bust on you?

- No. - I will bust on you!

- Don't bust on me. - Do not bust on him!

What is wrong with you?

Check it out. Total Package.

Explosives expert.

Well, he's got a little demonstration.

- Don't say "explosive." - All right.

So I've laced these roman candles

with concentrated gun powder

so they'll blow holes in this dumpster.

Oh, come on, dude.

- I love this. - Stand back.

I would if I could see it.

- Oh, yeah. There it is. - Whoa, what are you... hey.

You ever blow a hole in the dumpster?

Did it kill someone, dude? Did you kill someone, dude?

Maybe I did the fuse wrong.

Is this, by any chance, how you got your blade legs?

This guy has blade legs?

I lost my legs in Afghanistan, bro.

That... yeah. Sorry. Cool.

- Thank you for your service. - Yeah.

Setting off fireworks at a Kenny Chesney USO show.

- Good for you. - That's cool.

- [buzzing] - Whoa.

- Phone's on vibrate. - Answer it.

- Dude, we have a pact. - Oh, get me there.

- Stop. Will you... - Ooh, get me there.

- Stop it! No, no! - Oh, dude.

- You're hard in there. - Yeah.

Of course I am. Give me that.

The package is here.

Oh, no.

That's awesome.

Wait. Why "uh-oh"?

Guess who just signed for it?

Dude, what the heck? That's not our tape.

- That's a TV. - It's both.

Actually, it's a TV/VCR and the tape.

The tape's stuck inside.

It's a combo thing.

Oh, okay, okay. Oh, no.

No. She's looking in the slot.

I wouldn't mind looking in her slot.

We got to get it out of there before she busts us.

Wait, what are you doing?

- [phone ringing] - What are you...

Alice Murphy.

[gruffly] I have had a bomb delivered to your office.

It's inside of a TV/VCR from the '90s,

and unless you get out now,

- you're gonna die, bitch! - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, everyone!

There's a bomb in the office!

Everyone get into the parking lot now!

- Go! Everyone go! - That doesn't make sense.

Why would anyone... bomb?

No, no, no, no.

She locked it.

Hey, remember that slot joke I just said?

I feel like my comedy senses are, like, heightened.

Way to go, Blake, once again.

And by the way, these aren't tears coming out of my eyes.

This is ejack bubbling out.

You know, we could've been on our way to Crank Down Town,

that city, but you freaking screwed us.

I... what are you talking about?

I didn't... I'm not the one who called in a bomb threat.

Careful. Careful, careful.

You want the red wire, not the blue wire.

Shut the hell up. I know what I'm doing.

Oh, really? You know what you're doing?

Tell that to Jake's son.

How dare you.

Don't you ever bring up Jake.

Look, guys, I just want to say

I'm sorry for dragging us away from the package.

I actually feel very, very bad about this.

Well, you should feel bad about it.

"Superbad" the movie bad about it.

- I do. - It's okay, bud.

- Thank you. - All is forgiven.

- Get in here. - Thank you.

- I love you so much. - All right.

I'm just saying it's really, really hard

to grow up without a dad,

especially in Rancho.

Okay. I wasn't gonna do this,

but you're really pushing my buttons.

Jake has a dad.

Tina did a DNA test.

It's you.

I have a son?

- [laughing] - I have a son.

I have a son!

If you guys would just give the dudes

a chance, you'd like 'em.

They're actually really, really cool dudes.

They're actually really, really not.

- [all speaking at once] - It's the tape.

- They've got the tape. - Act like we didn't do it.

Yeah, right. Yeah.

False alarm, everyone.

- It was just a porno tape. - Oh.

It's "The Nutting Professor."

It's Dan Yella. He busts mad loads.

A porno tape?

I wonder who would be dumb enough to send

- this to the office. - Well, we all...

Well, whoever it is, they better fess up right now

or everyone is working this weekend.

Who's tape is this?

It's mine, sorry.

I think my package got delivered to your office by mistake.

Then, who called in the bomb threat?

Bomb threat?

- Hey! Hey! - He just took the tape.

- [all speaking at once] - Okay.

Everyone back inside.

Let's go now.

Let's go. Everybody.

Dude, this is the perfect chance to unleash Beat-Ass.

No, no. You're not unleashing Beat-Ass,

okay, 'cause they've ruined everything so far.

- We're out. Ready? - Yup. I'm with you.

- I'm with Ders. Let's roll. - Okay.

- Let's go. - This way.

[rock music]

- Come on! - I'm coming!

Oh, no. He's getting into a minivan.

The license plate said "MR.NULEAF."

- To the 'Vo. - All right.

Both: To the 'Vo!

We can head him off if we just go down this alley right here.

What? What alley? There's no alley.

We're in the Hills, dude. What are you talking about?

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

These bumps are gonna make me bust!

- No. - Yeah.

Here, I'll turn on some music to distract you.

Okay.

That's what's going on

Oh, damn.

- Nothing's fine, I'm torn - No!

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed

Oh, I ruined my best khakis.

Damn it. He's going for the freeway.

Somebody call for a superhero squad?

Dude, you're too late, all right?

You and the weirdos aren't gonna beat that guy up the ramp.

[dramatic music]

That's where you're wrong.

Total Package, I'm gonna need your blade legs.

Dr. Heals-Good, let me borrow Chester for a second.

Thanks, bro.

Awesome.

Whoa. Buy me dinner first!

What?

[shouts]

[tires screech]

Oh, my God.

Was that a baby?

That is a ventriloquist dummy

that I threw at your vehicle to stop you.

Why would you do that?

Because you took something that belongs to my friends

and me.

Chester!

[sloshing]

Sorry about that, man. I hope it didn't cost too much.

All right. Hand it over, NULEAF.

That's right. We know it's you.

Come on. Why would you want it so bad?

Wait a second.

I know that voice.

That's Dan Yella!

Take off your sunglasses and hat.

- [laughter] - Right?

Pornographic memory. I just...

Yeah. Yeah, no.

It's totally him,

but he's got, like, a bunch of old man makeup on and a wig.

This isn't makeup or a wig.

I'm just older, and I grew my hair out.

I'm a normal guy now.

I made one stupid film, and now I've spent all these years

trying to get every last copy of it back off the Internet.

Why would you want to destroy something so beautiful?

Because he's about to be a father.

He's already a father, okay?

- He's our porn daddy. - He taught me how to bone.

Honestly, it would mean the world to us

if we could watch you bone one last time, Mr. Yella.

Yeah.

Okay.

Maybe we could do a one-time only

private sex show between my wife and I,

but then I get to keep the tape.

What? Dan.

Brenda, come on. Look at these losers.

It's all they have.

Yeah. We should do it.

- Yes! - Thank you!

[all exclaiming]

Can't wait to see it.

- Yeah. - Is it still bent?

Is it still, like, a little bent?

[rustling]

Have they started yet?

I wish I could see.

[sighs]

I'm gonna go get my lube.

All right. Yeah. Cool.

I'm okay.

Okay, yeah, no.

- I am so not into this. - Yeah.

I... pretty much empty down there after the whole you-know-what.

Yeah. Let's get out of here.

- Thanks, though, seriously. - Yeah. Thanks a lot.

- You're a trooper. - All right.

Suit yourselves, guys.

Okay, Honey. Let's lose the tops.

All right. Got my lube.

Okay.

All right.

Here we go.

Dan Yella. This is cool.

This is fun. It's like a dream come true, honestly.

All right. Mmm.

Potent smell.

Smells like sandwiches.

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Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0