Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,083 --> 00:00:03,718
And the brads
are not to be used as Q-Tips.
2
00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:05,047
They're for holding paper together.
3
00:00:05,213 --> 00:00:07,289
Got it? Great.
4
00:00:07,356 --> 00:00:12,260
Oh, and last but least,
salesman of the month--
5
00:00:12,328 --> 00:00:15,663
who will take home
the $40 Bass Pro gift card?
6
00:00:15,731 --> 00:00:17,497
Whoo-whoo!
7
00:00:17,565 --> 00:00:20,146
Top Gun three months running.
8
00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,937
Suck on my big ass numbers, y'all.
9
00:00:23,004 --> 00:00:25,067
You know I'm the champion.
10
00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:27,236
Yeah.
11
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,989
Get 'em, boy. Ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh--
12
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,579
Yeah, but see, Adam, corporate
listened
13
00:00:32,647 --> 00:00:34,743
to the "characters" you do
on your calls...
14
00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:36,954
And they not only
found them offensive,
15
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,953
but they're in breach
of TelAmeriCorp sales policy,
16
00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:42,355
and they had to refund most
of your customers' payments,
17
00:00:42,423 --> 00:00:45,337
so you didn't really win.
18
00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:46,725
- Offensive.
- Mm-hmm.
19
00:00:46,793 --> 00:00:48,048
On what grounds?
20
00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:50,509
I demand to know this very instance.
21
00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:52,219
I thought you were gonna ask me that.
22
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:54,054
(Adam via recording]
"Excuse me, sir.
23
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:55,534
"I am Mufansa.
24
00:00:55,602 --> 00:00:57,103
A thousand blessings on you."
25
00:00:57,171 --> 00:00:58,671
Mufansa--he's very popular.
26
00:00:58,738 --> 00:01:01,640
"Oh, so sorry
to call so early in the morning,
27
00:01:01,708 --> 00:01:04,398
but would you like to purchase
a Crock Pot?"
28
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,400
Mm-hmm,
I call him the sleepy Mexican.
29
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:07,693
"What up, my brother?
30
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,682
"This is Jamal, my man.
31
00:01:09,749 --> 00:01:11,316
You want to get down
on some solar panels?"
32
00:01:11,384 --> 00:01:12,485
I think I used to live
next to that guy.
33
00:01:12,552 --> 00:01:13,866
(Montez)
You know what?
34
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,489
This some bull Shih Tzu dookie
right here."
35
00:01:16,556 --> 00:01:18,390
Butterball Jones is on the phone
36
00:01:18,458 --> 00:01:20,325
doing fake Apu Simpsons impressions,
37
00:01:20,393 --> 00:01:22,082
and I'm on the phone every day as me.
38
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:24,752
- You fat phony.
- Fatty.
39
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,170
- I'm not fat.
- Oh, my God.
40
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:28,233
Okay, enough, everybody.
41
00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:31,258
Because Adam vacated his sales,
this month's top gun is Diane.
42
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:32,704
- Oh.
- Whoa.
43
00:01:32,771 --> 00:01:34,553
Yeah.
44
00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,847
[speaks indistinctly]
Hell, yeah-
45
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:39,850
[speaks indistinctly]
Top gun.
46
00:01:40,078 --> 00:01:42,228
(Adam)
Well, I still have the Top Gun hat,
47
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:44,939
so it looks like I'm still
the top gun.
48
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,417
(Alice)
Yeah, you know what?
49
00:01:46,485 --> 00:01:47,886
And I really do like that hat, Adam.
50
00:01:47,953 --> 00:01:49,521
I like it so much, in fact,
51
00:01:49,588 --> 00:01:52,571
that I made an official
TelAmeriCorp Top Gun hat,
52
00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:55,226
and this is the only hat
that's allowed to be worn
53
00:01:55,293 --> 00:01:57,743
in the office, actually,
so here you go, Diane.
54
00:01:57,909 --> 00:02:00,120
And, Adam, you can lose
your hat now, please.
55
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,299
- What?
- Lose the hat.
56
00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:03,749
That one's the official one.
57
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,065
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
58
00:02:33,335 --> 00:02:35,464
Maybe Montez is right.
59
00:02:35,532 --> 00:02:38,233
Maybe Adam DeMamp
is nothing more than a fat dodo
60
00:02:38,301 --> 00:02:40,903
with a fat head
and just a fat, little body.
61
00:02:40,971 --> 00:02:42,972
I'm like a human baby.
62
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,941
No one would buy anything from me.
63
00:02:45,008 --> 00:02:46,375
Stop it.
64
00:02:46,443 --> 00:02:48,811
Stop talking about my friend
that way, okay?
65
00:02:48,879 --> 00:02:50,421
We're gonna go get
some lunch monkeys.
66
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,014
We're gonna go back to the office,
67
00:02:52,082 --> 00:02:55,517
and you're gonna go get
that Top Gun hat back.
68
00:02:55,585 --> 00:02:56,952
Adam, stop eating those chips.
69
00:02:57,019 --> 00:02:58,053
- We haven't paid for them yet.
- Hey.
70
00:02:58,219 --> 00:03:00,189
- What?
- This is not good.
71
00:03:00,256 --> 00:03:02,641
We're about to witness
the darkness that is Sadam.
72
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,359
- Sadam Crymamp.
- Yep.
73
00:03:04,427 --> 00:03:06,061
Saddest dude
in the whole world, yeah.
74
00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:08,330
I don't want to see that,
but, I mean, it makes sense.
75
00:03:08,398 --> 00:03:10,357
You can't live life that high
without coming down.
76
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,333
But we can't let him crash, okay?
77
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:13,702
Remember what happened
when Entourage went off the air.
78
00:03:13,769 --> 00:03:15,637
Oh, yeah, I remember.
79
00:03:15,705 --> 00:03:18,115
He didn't shower for, like,
all of Movember or Decembeard.
80
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:19,616
- Or Manuary.
- It's disgusting.
81
00:03:19,782 --> 00:03:21,910
He said he was bathing himself
in his own tears?
82
00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,411
- I know.
- Hey, guys.
83
00:03:23,479 --> 00:03:24,955
You want to come on
a really fun booze cruise?
84
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:28,000
You mean, like,
the Rancho Land Booze Cruise?
85
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:31,318
Yep, it's the only booze boat
cruise where the boat is a bus.
86
00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:33,047
- Oh, I love that.
- That's tight.
87
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,454
That sounds way tight, way tight,
88
00:03:34,522 --> 00:03:35,716
tight like your outfit.
89
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,658
Looking good, looking good.
90
00:03:37,726 --> 00:03:39,292
(Blake)
Yes, you are a vision, aren't you?
91
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,889
Speaking of vision,
what happened to your peeper?
92
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,263
- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
93
00:03:43,331 --> 00:03:44,850
Oh, you're, like, a vampire.
94
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:48,395
I just--just thought it was,
like, part of the--the giddy-up.
95
00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:49,936
- It's not.
- Okay.
96
00:03:50,004 --> 00:03:51,398
Yeah, no, that's--that's obvious now.
97
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,439
Just give me your goddamn names.
98
00:03:53,507 --> 00:03:55,141
(Adam)
What's going on here?
99
00:03:55,208 --> 00:03:57,863
Dude, she's inviting us
to the Rancho Land Booze Cruise.
100
00:03:58,112 --> 00:04:00,379
Makes sense that
she would invite you guys
101
00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:01,825
after I had already left.
102
00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,577
I'm such a fat idiot.
103
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,718
I'd probably step on board
the Land Booze Cruise
104
00:04:05,786 --> 00:04:07,498
and sink it right in the concrete.
105
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,042
Oh, right into the concrete.
You hear how funny this guy is?
106
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,377
I'm not funny.
107
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,170
He's a good guy and single.
108
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:14,922
Yeah, way single.
No one loves me.
109
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,763
Why don't we put the reservation
in his name?
110
00:04:17,830 --> 00:04:19,565
Yeah, that's a great idea.
111
00:04:19,633 --> 00:04:23,169
So Adam DeMamp, plus two,
and that's, "Mamp."
112
00:04:23,236 --> 00:04:25,432
It's just how it sounds,
very American name.
113
00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:27,706
- Mamp. Got it.
- Yeah, yeah.
114
00:04:27,774 --> 00:04:29,770
- Plus two.
- Yes.
115
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,842
And remember, it's our imperfections
116
00:04:31,910 --> 00:04:33,478
that make us beautiful.
117
00:04:33,546 --> 00:04:34,733
I have a micro-penis.
118
00:04:36,182 --> 00:04:38,320
See you.
I don't know.
119
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:39,984
Probably didn't even
spell my name right.
120
00:04:40,052 --> 00:04:42,086
I don't blame her.
121
00:04:42,154 --> 00:04:43,588
What are you talking about?
You're on fire.
122
00:04:43,656 --> 00:04:44,868
Did you see how you just got us
the two bonus seats?
123
00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:46,357
That doesn't just happen, okay?
124
00:04:46,425 --> 00:04:47,924
That's a boss movement, man.
125
00:04:47,992 --> 00:04:49,859
Yeah, that was a real streak-breaker,
126
00:04:49,927 --> 00:04:51,861
so what do you say
we get you back to the office
127
00:04:51,929 --> 00:04:55,838
and get that Top Gun hat back
on that little head, huh?
128
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,133
Whoo.
129
00:05:02,707 --> 00:05:05,842
Hi, I'm Adam DeMamp.
130
00:05:05,910 --> 00:05:07,843
I hope you're ready
to waste a lot of your time
131
00:05:07,911 --> 00:05:09,768
and probably none of your money.
132
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:13,549
So I'm 30 pounds overweight,
and I suck at life and stuff,
133
00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:16,859
and I was wondering
if you wanted to buy a vacuum.
134
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,987
Just hang up.
135
00:05:19,055 --> 00:05:21,029
No, you hang up.
136
00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:23,198
I'm fat.
137
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,326
I'm so stupid.
138
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:29,288
You hang up.
You--you hang up.
139
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,290
That was good.
That was really good.
140
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:34,293
Those people were, like,
just jerks, probably.
141
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:37,880
Yeah, not deserving of your time
or many talents, Adam.
142
00:05:41,098 --> 00:05:42,217
You guys are right.
143
00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:43,594
Yeah?
144
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,012
(Adam)
I'll just regroup and get the next one.
145
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,781
You know what I mean?
146
00:05:46,849 --> 00:05:50,309
It's--it's that simple,
so if you'll excuse me.
147
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,888
- Staying positive.
- Yes.
148
00:05:53,956 --> 00:05:55,856
Wow, I think he's okay.
149
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,959
Yeah, I'm just glad we're not
dealing with the full-blown
150
00:05:58,026 --> 00:05:59,127
Sadam CryMamp right now.
151
00:05:59,194 --> 00:06:00,862
Yeah, that would be bad,
152
00:06:00,929 --> 00:06:02,237
'cause I am not singing him
to sleep tonight.
153
00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:03,614
(Adam)
Do it, Waymond. Do it.
154
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:04,823
Do it now.
155
00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:07,401
No, no, Adam.
156
00:06:07,469 --> 00:06:08,836
(Anders)
That is company equipment.
157
00:06:08,904 --> 00:06:10,404
I can't get a sale to save my life,
158
00:06:10,472 --> 00:06:12,623
so I might as well kill
my stupid life
159
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:13,774
and freaking bleed
all over the office.
160
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:15,292
That's what I would do,
161
00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:17,210
but Waymond won't pull
the damn lever, Waymond!
162
00:06:17,278 --> 00:06:18,629
(Blake)
Waymond, do not do that.
163
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,747
Adam, you can't do that, all right?
164
00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:22,799
Also, there's definitely no way
that thing can go through your neck.
165
00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:24,843
Is that a fat joke?
'Cause my neck's too fat?
166
00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:27,453
It is not about a fat neck.
We like your neck, okay?
167
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:30,224
Now, call Waymond off, and let's
just forget this happened.
168
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,125
Fine.
Waymond, let me up.
169
00:06:32,193 --> 00:06:34,059
But I'm not gonna go
on a stupid booze cruise,
170
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:35,854
'cause my--ow!
171
00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:37,229
Ow!
172
00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:39,107
You pushed it in my neck.
173
00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:43,028
You freaking little groundhog
of a human being--stupid.
174
00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:44,696
- Excuse me.
- Are you okay?
175
00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:46,782
- You're a monster.
- What's your problem?
176
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:52,287
He t really filled the hand there.
177
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:54,581
Yeah, man, now I know why he was
calling him the groundhog.
178
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:57,709
We've got to get this guy a sale
to get his confidence back up.
179
00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:59,795
Yeah, how do we do that?
180
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,654
Hey, I heard there's
buttered bread in here?
181
00:07:02,722 --> 00:07:06,468
Is that... true?
182
00:07:06,982 --> 00:07:08,960
"Do not open."
183
00:07:09,028 --> 00:07:11,223
More like, "Do open."
184
00:07:19,037 --> 00:07:21,138
"Hot leads for Alice's eyes only."
185
00:07:21,206 --> 00:07:22,526
Yeah, right.
186
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:25,279
More like, "For Adam's eyes only."
187
00:07:48,474 --> 00:07:49,428
{pub}Hello.
188
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:53,472
Hello, may I please speak
with a Mr. Blownoff?
189
00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:56,140
(Anders)
This is he, and you can call me Dick.
190
00:07:56,208 --> 00:07:58,186
(Adam)
Okay, Mr. Blownoff,
191
00:07:58,352 --> 00:08:02,213
I am telling--
I am talking to you today
192
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:04,192
from my work, TelAmeriCorp.
193
00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:06,820
Hey, are you sick of unblended foods?
194
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,220
'Cause it's--you know what?
195
00:08:09,288 --> 00:08:11,990
Never mind. I suck at my job.
And I suck at my life.
196
00:08:12,057 --> 00:08:13,757
- Good-bye forever.
- Hang on.
197
00:08:13,825 --> 00:08:15,203
Listen, son, I don't bite.
198
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:16,872
What are you selling?
199
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,665
Stupid freaking blenders.
200
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,292
Well, I'll take five.
201
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:21,599
How 'bout that?
202
00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:23,468
That's cool.
203
00:08:23,535 --> 00:08:26,804
I mean, honestly,
if I'm being real with you,
204
00:08:26,872 --> 00:08:30,208
I wouldn't buy anything
from me, because one, I'm fat,
205
00:08:30,275 --> 00:08:33,443
two, I'm stupid, three,
I'm fat and stupid combined.
206
00:08:33,511 --> 00:08:35,390
(Anderson)
Listen, you don't sound fat to me,
207
00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:37,314
maybe a little depressed, huh?
208
00:08:37,382 --> 00:08:38,518
And I've been there.
209
00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:40,354
- Really?
- You know what I did?
210
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,887
I went on a booze cruise
with my friends,
211
00:08:43,954 --> 00:08:45,650
and I was totally cured.
212
00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:47,652
Anyway, blenders...
213
00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:49,393
Well, the blenders,
214
00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:51,028
actually, I take it back,
what I said earlier.
215
00:08:51,095 --> 00:08:53,075
They're pretty cool.
You can make juices.
216
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,164
You can, like, blend up a boot.
217
00:08:55,232 --> 00:08:57,037
That's how sharp this thing is.
That's how intense it is.
218
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,580
Oh, I actually have a boot here
right now.
219
00:08:58,746 --> 00:08:59,768
Boop.
220
00:08:59,836 --> 00:09:02,905
[imitating blender whirring]
221
00:09:02,972 --> 00:09:05,712
Oh, my gosh, the boot,
it's blending so well.
222
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:06,808
[imitating blender whirring]
223
00:09:06,876 --> 00:09:08,340
That's funny.
224
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:11,914
Well, looks like it'll
get to you Tuesday,
225
00:09:11,981 --> 00:09:15,017
and I just want to say thank you.
226
00:09:15,085 --> 00:09:17,385
You are a great man,
Mr. Dick Blownoff.
227
00:09:17,453 --> 00:09:20,018
(Anders)
And you are a good goddamned salesman.
228
00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:23,258
Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead
and put you down
229
00:09:23,325 --> 00:09:24,892
for two blenders.
230
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:29,945
That is a kitchen blender
and a basement blender.
231
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:33,268
Oh, wait,
this just came in from upstairs.
232
00:09:33,335 --> 00:09:35,503
That's not $68.99.
233
00:09:35,571 --> 00:09:38,238
It is $49.99.
234
00:09:38,306 --> 00:09:41,175
Can I go ahead and close you
with that number?
235
00:09:43,779 --> 00:09:45,377
Very good.
236
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:50,048
Selling, selling, selling,
selling, selling, selling.
237
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:52,720
Dude, I am so pumped
for this booze cruise.
238
00:09:52,788 --> 00:09:57,764
I'ma, like, celebrate next
month's future Top Gun victory.
239
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,026
Yes, I'm just excited
to see you happy again.
240
00:10:00,094 --> 00:10:01,518
Like, Sadam is dead.
241
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:02,696
[clears throat]
242
00:10:02,763 --> 00:10:03,770
Who's Sadam?
243
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,531
Saddam.
244
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:06,982
Saddam Hussein died.
245
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,692
- Really?
- Yeah, they got him.
246
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,068
- They got him. USA all the way.
- Thank God.
247
00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:11,905
Well, we didn't get him,
but those guys
248
00:10:11,973 --> 00:10:13,272
who were out there fighting
in the desert.
249
00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:14,941
Freaking SEAL team.
That's cool, man.
250
00:10:15,009 --> 00:10:16,741
At least "The Interview"
can come out now.
251
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:18,285
- Totally.
- I've been waiting for that.
252
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,778
- Absolutely.
- It's, like, I'm a Francophile.
253
00:10:19,846 --> 00:10:21,955
That dude, he's the truth.
254
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:23,415
I was thinking, that movie, like,
255
00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,418
96 Hours or something like that,
256
00:10:25,486 --> 00:10:26,918
w hat if it was 69 Hours?
257
00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:29,921
Ah, that would be way funnier.
258
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:31,424
If it's, like, 69,
and he got his dick caught
259
00:10:31,492 --> 00:10:32,525
between the rocks, and he's like,
260
00:10:32,593 --> 00:10:34,384
does he chew his dick off?
261
00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:36,295
Or he gets his nose caught
in some chick's butt,
262
00:10:36,363 --> 00:10:38,555
and he's like,
"We're 69ing; I need water now!
263
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:40,807
We should write pornos.
264
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:42,559
- Yeah, we should write pornos.
- We should.
265
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:44,369
Dude, I'm just pumped, all right?
266
00:10:44,437 --> 00:10:45,837
I'm excited for this adventure
we're about to go on,
267
00:10:45,904 --> 00:10:46,897
'cause it has my favorite things:
268
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:50,108
boozes, cruises, and my dudeses.
269
00:10:51,043 --> 00:10:53,011
I said that I was gonna go.
270
00:10:53,078 --> 00:10:54,779
I didn't say that we were gonna go.
271
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:56,814
I was actually thinking about
taking my new friend, Dick,
272
00:10:56,882 --> 00:10:58,116
and, like, one of his buddies.
273
00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:00,484
Dick?
Why would you bring Dick?
274
00:11:00,552 --> 00:11:03,554
Well, who is Dick
is what we really need to know,
275
00:11:03,622 --> 00:11:04,873
'cause we don't know
who that is, Blake.
276
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,658
Yeah, you guys don't know Dick.
277
00:11:06,725 --> 00:11:08,993
He--he, like--
he was my first sale of the day,
278
00:11:09,061 --> 00:11:10,545
and he kind of took me out
of my sales slump.
279
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:14,174
And we just sort of bro bonded
in, like--like, a real
280
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,592
and, like, authentic way.
281
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:18,068
It's like we have two Avatar tails,
282
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,554
and they just intertwined.
283
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,472
It's just--
is it weird to bring a guy
284
00:11:22,540 --> 00:11:24,041
that you've never met to a party?
285
00:11:24,108 --> 00:11:25,375
- I mean, like, I'm not--
- Yeah, that sucks.
286
00:11:25,442 --> 00:11:26,643
You know, right?
287
00:11:26,711 --> 00:11:29,646
Oh, okay, yup.
288
00:11:29,714 --> 00:11:31,782
- Yes, you are correct.
- Right?
289
00:11:31,849 --> 00:11:33,193
I should meet him
and hang out with him first
290
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,195
before I invite him
on the booze cruise.
291
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,696
That is a good call, Ders.
292
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:38,448
That's not what I'm--
293
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,450
Thank you, Ders.
294
00:11:42,425 --> 00:11:45,394
- Hey, dudes, what's up?
- Hey.
295
00:11:45,461 --> 00:11:47,697
So you guys need a pro actor
to trick Adam, huh?
296
00:11:47,764 --> 00:11:49,031
Okay. Well, you're in luck.
297
00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:51,044
This is a client of mine, Ryan Gall.
298
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,505
Ryan here has ran up
a pretty hefty tab
299
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:56,005
over the past couple years in weed,
300
00:11:56,073 --> 00:11:57,906
so he's gonna pay you guys
in acting dollars.
301
00:11:57,973 --> 00:11:59,473
- Isn't that right, Ry?
- Mm-hmm.
302
00:11:59,541 --> 00:12:00,909
- Isn't that right?
- Yeah, that's--
303
00:12:00,976 --> 00:12:02,543
- You're gonna pay them, huh?
- Yes.
304
00:12:02,611 --> 00:12:04,713
- You're gonna act for them.
- I will. I will.
305
00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:06,851
Okay, Ryan knows everything
that's going on.
306
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:08,349
He's a Groundling.
307
00:12:08,417 --> 00:12:09,854
He can improv.
308
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:11,786
If you need me,
I'm gonna be at Burger King.
309
00:12:11,854 --> 00:12:13,354
I got a dude that gives me
free refills,
310
00:12:13,422 --> 00:12:14,455
and I am freaking pumped about that.
311
00:12:14,523 --> 00:12:15,924
See you, Ryan.
312
00:12:15,991 --> 00:12:17,654
- Where are you going?
- Act good.
313
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:18,822
You said it would be a half hour.
314
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:22,730
You're with them, Ryan.
315
00:12:22,797 --> 00:12:25,632
(Blake) Well, well, well, we're
in the midst of a real actor.
316
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:28,168
Great, great, so what's this
Groundhogs thing
317
00:12:28,236 --> 00:12:30,771
he's talking about, huh?
318
00:12:30,839 --> 00:12:34,141
It's the Groundlings,
and we do improv comedy.
319
00:12:34,209 --> 00:12:36,047
It's kind of like Whose Line,
a lot of, "Yes, and..."
320
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,476
All right, save it.
321
00:12:37,544 --> 00:12:39,411
Yes, and what the hell's Whose Line?
322
00:12:39,479 --> 00:12:41,886
Oh, it's like Wild 'N Out.
323
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:43,805
Oh, okay, well, here's a tip.
324
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:45,551
Lead with that, you know?
325
00:12:45,619 --> 00:12:48,154
Just drop Affion Crockett,
and people will be with you.
326
00:12:48,222 --> 00:12:49,894
- Now we're on board.
- Have we seen you in anything?
327
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:51,323
I've been in some commercials.
328
00:12:51,391 --> 00:12:52,647
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
329
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:55,859
Oh, he's that Captain Obvious guy.
330
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:56,819
- That's not me.
- Oh.
331
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:57,611
- No?
- No.
332
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,497
- Okay.
- I know who he is.
333
00:12:59,565 --> 00:13:00,999
Dude, you're one of
the two Sonic guys.
334
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,824
- Oh, yeah--
- We watch you all the time.
335
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,367
- Yeah, the drive-thru-
- I'm not--that's not me.
336
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:05,565
I thought you were in
commercials, man.
337
00:13:05,690 --> 00:13:06,943
What the heck?
Do you even know Flo?
338
00:13:07,068 --> 00:13:10,341
No, look, I am a serious actor, okay?
339
00:13:10,409 --> 00:13:12,244
I trained under the Jim Rash.
340
00:13:12,311 --> 00:13:14,512
(Blake)
Oh, so a fellow thespian-
341
00:13:14,580 --> 00:13:17,714
I actually did some
theater acting in college.
342
00:13:17,783 --> 00:13:19,174
I played the role of Puck.
343
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,618
No kidding?
Midsummer's Night Dream?
344
00:13:21,686 --> 00:13:23,854
No, no, actually,
it was a stage adaptation
345
00:13:23,922 --> 00:13:25,656
of Real World:San Francisco.
346
00:13:25,723 --> 00:13:27,658
- I played Puck.
- Yeah.
347
00:13:27,725 --> 00:13:29,267
The peanut butter scene was riveting.
348
00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:32,145
Here's your information
for Mr. Blownoff.
349
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,431
Basically,
he's the exact opposite of Adam,
350
00:13:34,499 --> 00:13:36,566
because we need him to just hate you.
351
00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:39,002
I can play the heel, no problem.
352
00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:41,570
It's basically what I did
on Ten Items or Less.
353
00:13:41,638 --> 00:13:43,306
You were on Ten Items or Less?
354
00:13:43,373 --> 00:13:44,740
- Yeah.
- Dude.
355
00:13:44,809 --> 00:13:46,709
That show had the best commercials.
356
00:13:46,777 --> 00:13:47,827
It did.
357
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:01,306
{pub}Welcome to the VIP chill room.
358
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:02,774
Cool.
359
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,776
Hey, you know, your voice sounds
360
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,112
a little different
than it did on the phone.
361
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,890
- It does?
- Yeah.
362
00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:10,248
Oh, you know what?
363
00:14:10,315 --> 00:14:12,083
When we talked on the phone,
364
00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:14,521
I think I had, like,
a cold slash flu or something.
365
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,854
Got some lunch monkeys for my buddy.
366
00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:18,525
Oh, you know what?
I don't touch the stuff.
367
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,610
Yeah, sober 15 years.
368
00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:25,031
Wow, I--I didn't even know
that was a thing you could do.
369
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,825
- Mm-hmm.
- No beer poops.
370
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,201
That's smart.
371
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:29,953
Hey, there you are.
372
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,635
(Anders)
Hidey-ho, neighbor.
373
00:14:31,703 --> 00:14:33,164
These are my work friends,
Ders and Blake.
374
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:37,293
And this is my very, very,
very good buddy, Dick Blownoff.
375
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:39,209
Oh, cool, very cool, very cool.
376
00:14:39,277 --> 00:14:40,171
- What's up?
- He's a cool guy.
377
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:42,312
(Blake)
What were we in here for?
378
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:47,451
Oh, yes, we were just talking
about huge bazoingas, and--
379
00:14:47,518 --> 00:14:49,653
well, shoot, man, Dick,
380
00:14:49,721 --> 00:14:50,932
what do you think about those?
381
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:53,726
Uhh...
big breasts are stupid.
382
00:14:54,032 --> 00:14:58,898
Yeah, I like little, tiny,
like, mosquito bite-style boobs.
383
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:02,399
You know what?
384
00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:03,653
I get that.
385
00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:07,198
Yeah, because if the bazoinga
is too big
386
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:08,616
and you try to fit it all
in your mouth,
387
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:10,307
there's too much meat there, right?
388
00:15:10,374 --> 00:15:12,075
And your jaw might pop out of place,
389
00:15:12,143 --> 00:15:14,372
ad then you can't eat dinner.
390
00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:18,293
Yes, and treating women
like human beings
391
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,420
and not just sex objects,
392
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,213
that's what I'm all about.
393
00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:24,853
- Okay, well, that's crazy.
- Yeah.
394
00:15:24,921 --> 00:15:26,255
I mean, what?
395
00:15:26,323 --> 00:15:28,261
(Blake)
What planet are you from?
396
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:29,992
And make sure Adam doesn't visit
there, 'cause that's, like,
397
00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:31,764
the opposite of stuff he likes.
398
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:35,464
No, he's actually
the exact opposite of opposite,
399
00:15:35,532 --> 00:15:38,521
which is, like--
it's, like, the same.
400
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:39,935
- Dick?
- What?
401
00:15:40,003 --> 00:15:42,670
Will you be my very best friend
402
00:15:42,738 --> 00:15:44,444
and come with me
to the Land Booze Cruise?
403
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:49,032
Oh, yeah...
oh, I have work.
404
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,045
- Mm.
- Mm, damn it.
405
00:15:51,113 --> 00:15:56,284
And I am always on call,
because I am a CIA spy.
406
00:15:56,352 --> 00:15:57,602
(Blake)
No way.
407
00:15:57,727 --> 00:15:59,378
(Anders)
I didn't think that you could be.
408
00:15:59,503 --> 00:16:03,046
When I saw you,
I thought you'd be a CPA.
409
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,526
- P.
- I knew it, dude.
410
00:16:04,593 --> 00:16:06,027
- I knew something was going on.
- Yeah?
411
00:16:06,094 --> 00:16:08,092
Something was a little off about you.
412
00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:10,064
- That's me, yeah.
- Oh, there's layers.
413
00:16:10,132 --> 00:16:11,899
I'm freaking peeling them back,
and there's a freaking cool,
414
00:16:11,967 --> 00:16:14,601
undercover spy beneath.
415
00:16:14,670 --> 00:16:16,226
Do me the honor of going with me
416
00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:18,061
on the Land Booze Cruise, please.
417
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:20,230
- No, don't do this.
- Please, go with me.
418
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:21,909
(Adam)
I'll hold my breath until you say yes.
419
00:16:21,977 --> 00:16:23,878
- Just say yes, please.
- Don't hold your breath.
420
00:16:23,945 --> 00:16:25,780
- Say yes.
- I can't.
421
00:16:25,847 --> 00:16:27,514
- Please, this hurts.
- Okay, yes.
422
00:16:27,582 --> 00:16:29,322
Yes, yes.
423
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,217
Bye, new friend.
424
00:16:31,285 --> 00:16:32,322
- Okay.
- Bye.
425
00:16:32,447 --> 00:16:33,076
Uh-huh.
426
00:16:34,054 --> 00:16:35,822
What the hell was that?
427
00:16:35,890 --> 00:16:37,163
You were supposed to say no.
428
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:39,192
Yeah, I was gonna,
but then I remembered
429
00:16:39,259 --> 00:16:41,728
what my Oscar-winning teacher,
Jim Rash, once said.
430
00:16:41,796 --> 00:16:43,763
Okay, [bleep] Jim Rash, all right?
431
00:16:43,831 --> 00:16:45,046
I'll give you a rash.
432
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:46,599
Okay, you know what?
433
00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:49,760
I might have had a breakfast
edible, and it kind of--
434
00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:51,427
I'm sorry.
You're high right now?
435
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:53,179
Yes, I'm a little bit--I'm--
436
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:55,262
That all makes sense now;
that's why we're getting
437
00:16:55,387 --> 00:16:58,276
hour-long Showtime show,
basic cable acting from you,
438
00:16:58,344 --> 00:17:00,312
when what we're asking for
is Super Bowl commercial
439
00:17:00,379 --> 00:17:02,280
quality acting from you, Ryan.
440
00:17:02,348 --> 00:17:03,606
We're not getting it;
we need it; you're screwing us.
441
00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:05,317
No, the edibles, they help my craft,
442
00:17:05,384 --> 00:17:06,751
and they help my process.
443
00:17:06,819 --> 00:17:08,886
I need them for my craft and process.
444
00:17:08,954 --> 00:17:12,212
All right, Mr. Craft,
Mr. Macaroni, process this.
445
00:17:12,922 --> 00:17:16,127
What if I told you we could
give you the biggest roll
446
00:17:16,195 --> 00:17:17,954
in the biggest blockbuster
of all time?
447
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,265
- Okay.
- Your life.
448
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:23,267
Okay.
What are you talking about?
449
00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:25,436
I don't--look, can you just
keep playing the character,
450
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:27,537
Dick, for a little longer
and actually do what me and Ders
451
00:17:27,605 --> 00:17:28,772
tell you to do?
452
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,041
Okay, I'm listening,
453
00:17:31,109 --> 00:17:34,262
but only because I owe Karl
crap loads of money, so...
454
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:37,223
Honestly, dude,
you're, like, 100% right,
455
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:40,083
because I was looking
at some small-chested pornog,
456
00:17:40,151 --> 00:17:41,651
and Riley Reed made me realize
457
00:17:41,719 --> 00:17:43,062
that I've been ignoring the butt.
458
00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:45,648
Yes, and the butt's
the most erogenous area
459
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,025
on the woman's--
460
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:48,958
I mean, I don't mind
if someone's playing--
461
00:17:49,025 --> 00:17:50,445
Oh, God, they're on to me.
462
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:53,595
- What?
- No--no--run!
463
00:17:53,663 --> 00:17:55,064
(Anders)
Agent Blownoff, you're coming with us.
464
00:17:55,132 --> 00:17:56,868
Save yourself,
465
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:59,401
and make sure that you take
your friends, Blake and Ders,
466
00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:01,581
on this Land Booze Cruise.
467
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,792
No, I'll save you!
468
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,679
- Yes!
- Oh, my God. We did it.
469
00:18:11,747 --> 00:18:13,047
- We did it.
- We did it.
470
00:18:13,115 --> 00:18:15,016
- You were amazing, man.
- Thank you.
471
00:18:15,084 --> 00:18:16,387
And I mean this when I say
that you could be in those,
472
00:18:16,553 --> 00:18:18,386
like, hella dramatic commercials
where they try and get people
473
00:18:18,453 --> 00:18:19,724
to adopt dogs
before they murder them.
474
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,056
Or even, like, the hella way dramatic
475
00:18:22,124 --> 00:18:23,603
new Life Alert commercials;
have you seen those?
476
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,313
(Anders)
Oh, my God, heart breaker.
477
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,261
We should get those
for our grandmas, 'cause, like,
478
00:18:27,328 --> 00:18:29,897
what if she does fall down,
and, like, she can't get up?
479
00:18:29,964 --> 00:18:30,998
I don't want that to happen.
480
00:18:31,065 --> 00:18:32,866
She's a beautiful woman.
481
00:18:32,934 --> 00:18:34,802
Yeah, she is really pretty.
My grandma's hot.
482
00:18:34,869 --> 00:18:36,270
All right, let's circle back
to join Adam
483
00:18:36,337 --> 00:18:37,671
for this booze cruise, huh?
484
00:18:37,738 --> 00:18:39,072
Yeah, baby.
I love it.
485
00:18:39,140 --> 00:18:40,245
Ahh!
486
00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:41,871
[together]
Ohh!
487
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:43,706
- Oh, my God.
- Is he okay?
488
00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:45,045
Ow!
489
00:18:45,113 --> 00:18:46,834
- Whoo-hoo!
- Oh, gosh.
490
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:56,843
{pub}- Oh, my God.
- Are you all right?
491
00:18:56,911 --> 00:18:59,138
- Are you okay?
- How did I do that?
492
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,057
- Yeah, that was amazing.
- That was insane.
493
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,416
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
494
00:19:03,484 --> 00:19:07,320
I don't know;
I'm, like, 100% --I'm 100% okay.
495
00:19:07,388 --> 00:19:10,441
Wait, what are you guys-
did you guys get kidnapped too?
496
00:19:10,607 --> 00:19:12,068
Are you a double agent?
497
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:13,569
Who do you work for?
498
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:15,094
Adam, there's no Dick Blownoff.
499
00:19:15,162 --> 00:19:17,865
Actually, I'm Dick Blownoff.
500
00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:20,233
You said, "Dick blown off."
501
00:19:20,301 --> 00:19:22,368
- Yeah.
- Oh, I've been saying that.
502
00:19:22,436 --> 00:19:24,404
- That's funny.
- Yeah, we thought of it.
503
00:19:24,471 --> 00:19:26,905
Yeah, well,
Ders made up that character,
504
00:19:26,972 --> 00:19:28,668
because we were trying
to get you out of your slump.
505
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,942
I mean, you were so depressed,
and we want to party with you, man.
506
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,130
We want to go on this booze cruise.
507
00:19:32,618 --> 00:19:34,779
Then who's this guy?
508
00:19:34,847 --> 00:19:36,281
Well, this is Ryan Gall.
509
00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:39,284
He's an actor
that we hired from Karl.
510
00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:41,180
- Yeah, more like hack-tor.
- Yeah.
511
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:42,120
- Excuse me?
- That's funny.
512
00:19:42,188 --> 00:19:43,850
(Adam)
You're an actor.
513
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:44,934
So you know Flo from
the Progressive commercials?
514
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:46,602
No, not personally.
515
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:47,979
Okay, this guy's not really an actor.
516
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,605
Hey, Karl, we square?
517
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,190
Hell, yeah, man.
We're good.
518
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:52,942
Okay, can I get a little weed?
519
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:54,599
(Karl)
Oh, for sheezy, bro.
520
00:19:54,666 --> 00:19:55,945
- What do you need?
- Halfer?
521
00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:57,635
- Half pound?
- Yeah, I need it.
522
00:19:57,703 --> 00:19:59,103
Half LB of the green,
coming right up, man.
523
00:19:59,170 --> 00:20:01,071
- In the van, okay?
- Let's do it.
524
00:20:01,139 --> 00:20:03,161
Stay high.
Stay lifted.
525
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:04,975
I knew he wasn't a spy,
526
00:20:05,043 --> 00:20:06,777
'cause spies love huge bazoingas.
527
00:20:06,845 --> 00:20:08,078
That's, like, a rule when you become
528
00:20:08,146 --> 00:20:09,876
an international man of mystery.
529
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:13,117
Thank you guys for lying to me
to make me feel better.
530
00:20:13,184 --> 00:20:15,339
That's--that's really cool.
531
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:17,721
Hey, for you, man, any time.
532
00:20:17,789 --> 00:20:19,723
You know what?
533
00:20:19,791 --> 00:20:25,828
I hope you guys are ready
and prepare your brains to party
534
00:20:25,896 --> 00:20:30,734
on Rancho Cucamunga's
only Land Booze Cruise!
535
00:20:30,801 --> 00:20:32,398
Both: Hey! Whoo!
536
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,936
Yeah, boy.
537
00:20:34,004 --> 00:20:35,651
Oh, God.
538
00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:37,641
- I am a little injured.
- Yeah.
539
00:20:37,708 --> 00:20:39,208
Yeah, I didn't notice that
right away.
540
00:20:39,277 --> 00:20:41,210
That is--ahh, it's starting to burn.
541
00:20:41,279 --> 00:20:42,450
- Yeah, blow on it.
- Look for my palm.
542
00:20:44,016 --> 00:20:47,580
Man, this--
I am having fun right now.
543
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:48,784
Total blast.
544
00:20:53,891 --> 00:20:56,255
A lot of dudes.
545
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,257
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
546
00:20:58,307 --> 00:21:02,857
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40656
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.