Original subtitles

In today's society

of socioeconomic disparity and global terrorism,

being a ripped dude has never been more important.

That's why, with DeMamp Camps' muscle perplexation technique,

I guarantee I'll get you ripped.

DeMamp Camp! Go!

Go!

Go.

Sorry.

[Dumbbell clanking]

If you need a modifier

'cause your body's shaped like a bowl of porridge,

check out Ders,

and if you're weak like your great grandma,

peep Blake.

DeMamp Camp! Come on.

- Dig in-- - Whoa.

What are you talking about? I have an awesome body.

In the right light,

I have the little things that Usher has.

No, your body is awesome, Blake,

but you don't work for it, okay?

So your muscles look good,

but you actually can't use them

to tow a car with your teeth.

Well, my body is the normal shape of an aging mesomorph,

so you got to change these lines.

You have tits,

and I can't change these lines,

and I'm not gonna cut anything out,

because DeMamp Camp Fitness: Volume Two has no cuts.

If you don't change the hurtful things

that you just said about us,

I'm off the project.

No one's gonna buy DVDs from a nobody

that's out of shape and has a face

that looks like someone took a bunch

of skin-colored play-doh and just went--

[imitates squishing]

- We're off the project. - We're off the project.

You said that. Yeah, you already said that.

It doesn't matter.

I actually have an awesome face, so that--

it doesn't even hurt my feelings.

Deep and find yourself.

Don't worry.

We'll make this work, you sweet prince.

Bitch, are you talking to yourself?

Yeah, I am, okay?

Could you give us the room?

Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com

I don't care.

Time to give Blake a doughnut.

Nah. No, thank you.

I do not eat that junk anymore.

- What do you mean? - Check it out.

Look what I made. It's a weed protein bar.

- I call it a dro-tein bar. - Dude, looks pretty gross.

Yeah, it looks really gross.

Is it because you're embarrassed

about how weak you were when you saw yourself

in the video?

- Hmm? - Yeah.

What you said really hurt my feelings,

but I don't like to exercise,

so I'm gonna just eat until I'm strong.

- Good for you. - Yeah.

That's actually not a bad--

[clears throat]

Jillian, get this the "f" out of the way, please.

Yup.

When have I ever talked behind...

- Just thought it'd be cool. - A pedestal.

- I got it. - Yeah.

- I don't want-- - No, I got it.

Okay, the TelAmericorp blood drive.

Why should you donate? Corporate set up a competition.

The branch that donates the most pints of blood

wins a visit from--

Jillian, get the cutout.

- Oh, now? - Now.

You're in the way, nurses.

Wins a visit from action hero Dolph Lundgren.

[Gasping]

Ivan Drago. Oh, my God.

Question. Dude, stop it.

Why does Dolph Lundgren want to do some dumb health

blood thing with us?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe 'cause he's a decent person

who wants to contribute to society.

That's so Dolph of him.

Anyway, we're the last branch to donate.

That pig Steve in Tarzana

thinks his 29-pint lead will hold,

but I'd love to man-splain to him that he lost.

You guys, I've got a question that I've wanted to ask Dolph

since I was, like, a child,

and the answer could change everything.

Shut up, 'cause I'm freaking realizing

a great idea.

He could be the costar to my main star

for DeMamp Camp: Volume Two, right?

You're making another DeMamp Camp?

That copy of volume one you gave me

changed my life.

Bikini season can't come soon enough.

Okay, first off, eww, and second of all,

we can hear you, so shut up.

All right, now, there are 32 employees in this office,

and we need 30 pints to win,

so we got this thing in the bag.

- Yeah, whoo! - Yeah.

Unless some of you are scared of needles.

[Laughter]

What? Is that real?

I mean...

[Laughter]

Excuse me,

but scared-ness of needles is no laughing matter.

I personally am not afraid of needles,

but I did see someone murdered with a needle

in the movie Gremlins.

Needle-phobes have rights too, so...

Thank you. That's my time.

Great, and nobody cares, all right?

All right, so let's break.

- Let's give that blood. - Whoo!

- Let's tear it up. - Take it all.

- Whoo! - Whoo!

- What's up? - Hey.

I just want to say thank you.

It's good to have one of us speaking up.

Not afraid of needles.

Not one of whatever you guys are.

It is okay to fear the needle,

but please do not fear your--

I'm not one of you.

I support you and what you're doing, but--

Stop touching me. Don't ever do that.

- And just listen. - Hey.

You guys aren't gonna puss out on me, are you?

Okay, I'm only saying that

'cause you're hiding in this room,

and I am very intuitive, like a mother.

I'm gonna go give blood right now.

Alice Murphy...

[Laughs]

I'm gonna go give blood. Okay.

Hey, Karl, I need your help.

Dolph Lundgren, man, I've seen all of his movies.

He's, like, so cool.

Do you know if, like, Dolph is gonna--

Carmen. It's me, Mr. Henderson.

I used to bring you empty cans outside the liquor store.

Hey, how long have you been un-homeless for?

Oh, my God, you must be really light-headed.

You used to have the best singing voice.

- So beautiful. - That's not me.

Eat your cookies, okay?

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold your horsies.

How many people we got signed up so far?

Uh, 25, so you'll win second place.

Okay, well, we don't get second place around here,

so how about we go ahead

and strap on a few more baggy sacks for daddy?

I can handle, like, five more probably.

Mm-hmm. One pint per each.

Okay, guess what.

Your pass to DeMamp Camp--

and that's me ripping it up.

I'm taking cookies. I'm taking three.

- I'm taking three. - Jazzy.

I'm gonna take this batch up to the blood bank.

- Can you handle this in here? - Mm-hmm, yeah.

Is this his blood, right there?

Okay, you want anything from the pizza hut in target?

You know me, girl. You always know me.

- Blue icee. - Oh.

- Yeah, I didn't-- - All right, all right.

- Excuse me. - Yeah?

What are you doing with my blood?

Why isn't it with all the rest?

[Laughs]

Where's this blood going?

Just eat your cookies and move along.

Got a bad feeling

about this gosh-forsaken blood drive.

For instance, why won't they even tell us

where the blood is going?

Oh, it's for patients at hospitals.

- Yes, yeah. - Right?

Yes, but why is Dolph involved, hmm?

Does this Internet have computer capabilities?

- Yes. - Okay.

I need you to pull up his IMDB page,

and I need that yesterday.

[Dramatic music]

Well, it says here he's M.I.T. smart,

chemical engineer, a karate master.

Why is he making action movies with these idiots?

- He's perfect. - Yeah, I guess it makes sense.

He's got the brains to be, like,

a chemical-genetic engineering dude,

but he didn't have the resources.

So he went and became famous,

and now he has access

to the blood.

Blood.

He's got access to any of my-- holy cow.

Look at his balls in those dockers.

Oh, my gosh.

I could click and zoom all day.

[Phone rings]

Damn it.

TelAmericorp.

{pub}Hey, Sir Edna, I got your blood.

Okay. Who's blood is it?

No, don't tell me.

I understand sometimes people just need

to slip through the cracks, just disappear.

What? No, it's gonna be my blood.

- Come on. - What?

Take this blade.

No. No, no, no, wait.

I'm gonna take the tube,

I'm gonna put it right next to my wrist,

and you're gonna cut me.

No, Karl, I--I'm hemophobic.

Oh, my God, Ders, it's 2015.

Gay dudes exist. Get over it.

- Cut me! - Okay, all right.

Dolph Lundgren. Dolph Lundgren.

- Dolph Lundgren. - Hit me, baby.

Dolph Lundgren!

- Uh, try it again. - Dolph Lundgren.

Okay, just-- you know what?

- Okay, go down the-- - Dolph Lundgren.

- Dolph Lundgren. - Go down one more time.

- I don't know. - Let me see the blade.

Yeah.

[Shouts]

[Screams]

[Bleep]! Dolph Lundgren!

- Dolph Lundgren! - Okay.

- Dolph Lundgren! - Oh, oh!

- What are you-- - We got it.

Why'd you lick it, man?

I thought it was like a ballpoint pen, man,

but it's working.

- It's working. - Okay.

[Quivers]

[Chuckles uneasily]

Stop.

Waymond. Give me your glasses.

I just came up with a great idea.

Hands up.

Give me your shirt

and a smear of your wildly potent cologne.

You stink. What is that?

Cool water? It's an aphrodisiac.

I like that. That's nice.

They tell me that I can't give blood.

Well, guess what, "nurses."

I'll trick the system.

I'll give blood using the identities

of my bitch-ass coworkers.

This is perfect.

Thank God I have all these muscles.

It's DeMamp Camp. It's part--it doesn't matter.

Give me a little more of that.

Give me a little more of that. I want to reek like you.

I cannot wait to tell Dolph I did this.

Hi, I've got to get back to work,

and I gave blood with the other nurse.

That's why you didn't see me do it.

And she said I could just drop this off with you.

Okay, sure. Do you want a sticker?

I--uh, yeah. Yes.

- Yeah, you do. - Great.

Very cool. Oh, hi.

- Hey. - All right.

Good-bye.

Hi, are you ready to give some blood?

Yes?

[Hoarsely] Oh, hello, nurses.

I am Waymond Womano, a short Asian-type man.

Ready to give blood for the first time today.

Two Waymonds.

[Phone rings]

- Hello? - Blake, I hit the mother lode.

My desk, now.

Hey, Alice. There any purple stuff in there?

'Cause I'm just trying to get my blood sugar back in sync.

Oh, wow. Congrats, Anders.

- That's how we do. - You know what?

Everybody, let's give Anders a standing ovation, huh?

[Scattered applause]

You know what?

I'm gonna have this fiber yogurt.

Why don't we all clap for me too, huh?

Come on.

[Scattered applause]

Moron.

Hey, man, you gave blood?

How big was them needles? One of them long suckers?

You know, normal-- the normal size they are.

You know what? Maybe we should do this.

I don't know. What do y'all think?

I shouldn't medically, but I'm willing to try.

Maybe don't. I don't know.

Two Waymond Womanos.

So I guess the fake one is the one

that looks the guy named Adam who came in earlier.

[Hoarsely] I know.

- He looks exactly like that guy. - No, you.

You could tell. Dang it.

Since I know you're cheating,

I'm gonna have to remove two from the board.

What? I need Dolph for my video, okay?

I'm so freaking mad at you.

- What's the mother lode? - You're not gonna believe this.

Check this out.

When I'm with you

Baby, baby

I'm so into you

This is your big find?

No, I made it.

[Laughs]

Jillian, I can't have you back here

baking your own muffin to Dolph collages, all right?

I need you to focus on finding the source.

I got to follow that blood.

- It's been a long day. - It has.

I mean, Raymond with a "W."

I can't believe that white boy thought we weren't gonna realize

that he had already been up in there before.

Oh, wait, which Waymond did this come from?

Girl, just trash it.

Why are they throwing blood away?

The people who work here are crazy.

Did you notice that cologne earlier?

Oh, it's like he was trying to be someone he's not.

Clone? They're cloning people.

I think all colognes smell weird.

And they smell weird.

[Breathing heavily]

- Psst, bill. - Ouch.

I mean, what?

Hey, guess what, dude.

They won't even let me donate any more pints,

and I have to meet Dolph

so he could co-headline DeMamp Camp under me.

So I'm going to ask you to take some blood from my arm.

- Eww, gross. - Bill.

Don't be a bitch like Waymond.

You're a fricking baller, right?

I know you, you freaking baller.

You freaking shot caller.

Come with me. Be on my squad.

Be on my team. Be part of DeMamp camp.

All right, I'll do it,

but this baller's calling this shot.

Me costarring in DeMamp Camp: Volume two.

Picture it: Me, you, and Dolph, the big muscle brothers.

Oh, my God, I hate that idea, okay?

But you're part of the team now.

I freaking love you, Bill. Let me kiss your head.

Eww, it's all slimy. Come on.

{pub}Excuse me.

These three would like to give some blood.

Oh, hey, getting it in before the deadline.

- So who's first? - I'm ready to give.

All right.

- All right. - Okay.

Fill that out.

I find the spirit is captured easiest

between one's toes.

I spent many moons chasing the dragon.

- And by dragon... - We know.

- I mean heroin. - Yup, that's apparent.

All right, you're next big guy.

Unhand me. I already gave.

- See? - So you took his blood earlier.

No, he handed me a bag of blood

that he said you drew.

You don't remember? Remember me?

What they talking about, Ders?

- I gave blood, Ghostman. - Where you going?

I'm not going anywhere.

Ghostman, get him.

The drip is slowing way down. That might be all your blood.

What? No, we need five to win.

Just squeeze my arm. Wring me out, Bill.

"Wring me out, Bill, please."

I might just be your costar, but I'm not your slave.

I am the [Bleep] star,

and I need you to wring me out,

'cause my vision is me bleeding everything I've got

into this baggy.

Then you got to sweeten my deal.

I want 30% of merchandising and a plus-two to the premiere.

- Premiere's gonna be packed. - I want to bring two dates.

Mom and sis.

Fine.

[Dramatic music]

Okay, all right.

Go in there and destroy all the blood.

- Okay, got it? - I know.

I know. I know.

No, I am as serious as Sean Penn right now.

You go in there, and you destroy the blood.

Otherwise, Dolph--

He could make as many universal soldiers as he wants,

and I'm not talking movie sequels.

I'm talking a clone army.

He did it to Waymond, and he did it to Carmen.

Whoa. Okay, I'm on it.

All right, get in there.

Oh, how much of that bar did you eat?

- I'm okay. - You all right?

Just a little-- see you.

All right, be safe.

Get 'em. Get 'em, girl.

[Coughs forcefully]

How you doing? Dumping the blood?

Nope! Blake.

What the heck?

Cloning is the future, and you can't stop it.

Dolph needs this blood to breed universal soldiers,

and I'm gonna help him.

You're pro-cloning. Why?

Mostly because I'm in love with him.

But also have you seen the movie Multiplicity?

- It's really good. - No, no, no, wait.

If you start playing God,

consequences will never be the same.

And of course I've seen it!

It's a really, really great movie,

but this-- this ain't the movies, babe.

No.

[Shouting]

Don't! Stop!

My Dolph! My sweet Dolph!

What the bloody hell?

Adam, Dolph is using the blood drive to clone people.

He's making a clone army. He'll make a million Adams.

That sounds awesome.

A million Adams and a million Dolphs.

And a million Bills.

Okay, not a million Bills, 'cause you're off the project.

Blake, don't do this to me, man, okay?

I need this.

Hey!

Blake!

[All shouting indistinctly]

I don't even have any blood in my body.

- What's wrong with him? - Adam?

What's wrong with him?

[Groans]

It's probably all the blood that I gave.

[Bleep].

This is for your own good, man.

Don't.

If you pop one more of those,

I swear to God...

Blake. Both: Don't, Blake!

[Shouts]

{pub}Oh, my God, did you-- did you kill this man?

No, no, no, no.

He just gave five pints of blood

because he fell for your little scam,

but I didn't.

I destroyed all y'all's blood,

because I know that Dolph Lundgren

was cloning people.

- Ah. - What?

I figured it out like a little detective.

Okay, um... Okay.

Get me a pint of o-positive, stat.

- This man needs blood. - Okay.

All the blood is gone. What are we gonna do?

Um, uh...

We're gonna need to try a direct transfusion.

See, I knew your ass was trouble.

The reason why we put your blood to the side is 'cause

there's no telling what the hell you got up in there,

all high and [Bleep].

I'm not high.

You guys, I can't. I'm serious.

This is how they killed that guy in Gremlins.

Okay, okay. Are any of you ab or o?

Maybe.

Your friend just lost, like, a lot of blood.

If you don't give right now, like, he might not make it.

- Where's this needle? - Okay, good.

I'll give.

- Oh, my. - Hey.

Oof! What the--

- Okay, now we're screwed. - Okay, what the fuck?

I have been waiting all day for my appointment.

- Well, what blood type are you? - Ab, why?

Okay, we are gonna need to do an emergency direct transfusion

between the two of you.

Ugh, all right, fine, but how long is this gonna take?

I got a Skype in 20.

You're very lucky.

You survived a highly unorthodox transfusion

performed by poorly trained volunteer nurses.

- But did it work, though? - All right.

Come on, you need to wait outside, ma'am.

I'm just saying. Did it not work?

Outside.

Listen, I am Carmen, and I'm trying to start over.

- Please don't ruin this for me. - Hey.

Secret's safe with me.

It's not the ten-year contract we wanted,

but here's an autographed napkin.

And who is this? I missed Dolph?

He stopped by T.A.C. 'cause he heard what happened to you,

trying to give blood and all, and felt bad.

And he freaking didn't even come here

and talk to me face to face?

What a bitch.

Best moment of that idiot's life

was getting his ass kicked by Jean Claude Van Damme.

Stop.

He's a fricking bitch. What a stupid bitch.

He's right behind me, isn't he?

Nope, he's right behind me.

You're looking at him.

- Hi. - Hi.

You must've just heard that long story I told.

I heard it.

I heard you, man.

I never meant to hurt you.

Good-bye forever.

Oh, my God, that was crazy.

Oh, wait. My question.

Do you still have, like, the voice of an angel?

Uh, could you sing us a tune?

Please.

Ooh, ee, ooh

Mr. Lundgren, wait.

I've waited 15 years to ask you this question.

So in the movie Showdown In Little Tokyo,

when you guys ate Sushi off those naked ladies,

were those real naked ladies?

Uh, yeah.

Obviously.

Yes! I knew it.

I knew it. I knew it.

You guys, they were real naked ladies!

Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0