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1
00:00:00,083 --> 00:00:01,697
- Ooh, hey.
- Hey.
2
00:00:01,822 --> 00:00:03,617
Hollywood's biggest night, huh?
3
00:00:03,703 --> 00:00:04,602
- Mm-hmm.
- What'd you put down
4
00:00:04,727 --> 00:00:06,503
- for best foreign?
- You know me, man.
5
00:00:06,589 --> 00:00:08,251
Just put down the Danish one,
trying to
6
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,093
- keep it Scandinavian, so.
- Oh, man, I hope
7
00:00:10,259 --> 00:00:12,176
tonight tops last year
because I really feel
8
00:00:12,261 --> 00:00:14,428
that it was just a bunch
of people, like, I dunno,
9
00:00:14,463 --> 00:00:15,724
- sucking each other off, really.
- Yeah.
10
00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:17,348
- On the red carpet.
- It kinda was.
11
00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:19,433
Yeah, it was like
one big circle jerk, right?
12
00:00:19,468 --> 00:00:20,851
- Yep.
- Ooh, Adam, Adam,
13
00:00:20,936 --> 00:00:22,814
it's starting!
It's starting!
14
00:00:22,980 --> 00:00:25,356
Who's hungry?
[Laughter]
15
00:00:25,441 --> 00:00:27,486
All right, that looks great.
16
00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:29,279
Tittay.
17
00:00:29,645 --> 00:00:31,645
Welcome to the AVN Award Show,
where we honor the best
18
00:00:31,697 --> 00:00:34,898
- in adult entertainment.
- Who do you guys got
19
00:00:34,984 --> 00:00:37,618
- for best MMF-DP-ATM?
- Um...
20
00:00:37,653 --> 00:00:39,153
Who did I mark?
21
00:00:39,238 --> 00:00:41,655
- Gianna.
- Yep, and I got Chloe.
22
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,708
[Beatboxing]
23
00:00:44,877 --> 00:00:45,754
24
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,340
I'm fresh
25
00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:50,581
you gotta, you gotta,
you gotta, gotta
26
00:00:50,666 --> 00:00:53,637
gotta be fresh
27
00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:56,253
Adam, I can't believe you got
every category right.
28
00:00:56,338 --> 00:00:58,172
Dude, you even guessed
best dong-umentary.
29
00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:02,509
Yes, well, 12 Inches A Slave
was a no-brainer, but
30
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,061
I'll admit it, having
a pornographic memory
31
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:07,514
doesn't hurt.
I cannot forget a dick.
32
00:01:07,566 --> 00:01:09,316
Which is crazy, 'cause you
can't remember anything else,
33
00:01:09,351 --> 00:01:11,351
- right?
- Yeah, no, I can't remember
34
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:13,020
what I ate for breakfast.
I can't remember, like,
35
00:01:13,105 --> 00:01:16,240
my social security number,
which is an issue sometimes,
36
00:01:16,325 --> 00:01:19,693
but I remember, like, every
frame of the porno that
37
00:01:19,745 --> 00:01:21,528
I cranked down to in the mirror
last night.
38
00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:24,415
Did you just say you crank
down in the mirror?
39
00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:25,585
You guys don't crank down
in the mirror?
40
00:01:25,751 --> 00:01:27,701
Okay, I'll teach you something.
41
00:01:27,787 --> 00:01:28,702
All right, so you are the mirror.
42
00:01:28,754 --> 00:01:30,007
- Uh-huh.
- Okay?
43
00:01:30,372 --> 00:01:32,005
And this, right here,
the screen, that's where
44
00:01:32,041 --> 00:01:34,374
all the porno's happening.
So I put a little porno
45
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:36,376
back here and I look in the mirror,
46
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,712
and it's like I'm in the porno.
It's like a pop porno.
47
00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:40,347
And then I'm looking at myself
at the same time,
48
00:01:40,382 --> 00:01:42,549
and going like, "you're
having fun, this is fun.
49
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:44,017
- Look at you."
- Sure.
50
00:01:44,053 --> 00:01:45,605
Seems like a lot of work,
but very cool.
51
00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:47,387
- It's not.
- I like to just squeeze it
52
00:01:47,473 --> 00:01:49,440
till it pops.
And move on, you know?
53
00:01:49,525 --> 00:01:51,058
- It's not, it's not a lot.
- It's a little overwhelming
54
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:53,560
for me, so, if we could,
if you wouldn't mind...
55
00:01:53,612 --> 00:01:54,393
- Absolutely.
- I'd like to ask you
56
00:01:54,518 --> 00:01:55,716
about the giant bag
you brought to work.
57
00:01:55,841 --> 00:01:58,188
- What's up with that?
- Hello, it's my costume bag
58
00:01:58,313 --> 00:01:59,817
- from my theater days.
- Uh-oh.
59
00:01:59,902 --> 00:02:01,568
When we were watching
The AVN Awards it kind of got
60
00:02:01,620 --> 00:02:04,750
the old actor juices a-flowin.
61
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,740
I had different juices flowing.
62
00:02:06,792 --> 00:02:08,242
- Semen.
- Me too.
63
00:02:08,327 --> 00:02:10,160
[Bad Australian accent]
Do you remember Sydney,
64
00:02:10,246 --> 00:02:11,662
the Australian tour guide?
65
00:02:11,839 --> 00:02:13,800
- I do.
- Good day, mate.
66
00:02:14,383 --> 00:02:16,720
Oh, and crikey, is that a didgeridoo?
67
00:02:17,136 --> 00:02:18,919
- What the hell are you doing?
- [Normal voice] Huh?
68
00:02:19,004 --> 00:02:21,433
Anders, I got a mission
for you, stretch.
69
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,894
- Uh, ma'am, yes, ma'am.
- I'm sending you
70
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:25,803
to the North Rancho college
job fair to recruit
71
00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:27,773
- some new employees.
- Wow, okay.
72
00:02:28,013 --> 00:02:29,396
Grab a couple of people
to help you get contact info
73
00:02:29,431 --> 00:02:31,735
on 100 people interested
in working here.
74
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:33,984
You got it, I will assemble
my team right now.
75
00:02:34,069 --> 00:02:36,069
Great.
76
00:02:36,105 --> 00:02:39,907
We going back to college,
we going back to college.
77
00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:41,825
- [Grunts rhythmically]
- Yes, yes.
78
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:43,872
Not so fast, guys.
Okay?
79
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:46,530
My career here at T.A.C.
is clearly riding on this,
80
00:02:46,615 --> 00:02:50,117
and you two?
On a college campus?
81
00:02:50,169 --> 00:02:51,379
Not happening.
82
00:02:51,545 --> 00:02:53,170
Attention, Telamericans,
83
00:02:53,255 --> 00:02:57,040
tomorrow morning at 0900 hours,
we will deploy onto the campus
84
00:02:57,126 --> 00:02:58,592
of north rancho college,
85
00:02:58,627 --> 00:03:01,011
trying to get 100 sigs
of some fresh meat,
86
00:03:01,096 --> 00:03:02,307
who's with me?
87
00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:03,475
Bill, Tez?
88
00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:05,799
You boys up
for an excellent adventure?
89
00:03:05,885 --> 00:03:08,685
And miss out on my commissions?
Foo' please.
90
00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:10,854
I'm trying to ball out at this
hookah bar this weekend.
91
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:12,856
[Laughs]
92
00:03:13,025 --> 00:03:15,195
-�Ders... Come on.
-�Please take us.
93
00:03:15,444 --> 00:03:16,488
- Stop.
- I'm not going to stop.
94
00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:17,978
Stop him.
Please stop him.
95
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:19,730
I'm not going to stop until
you take us.
96
00:03:19,815 --> 00:03:21,481
I know you guys, all right?
You're gonna, like,
97
00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:23,367
basically show up and then
I'm going to do all the work
98
00:03:23,452 --> 00:03:24,952
and you're going to run off,
and I'm going to be alone
99
00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,370
- doing all the work.
- Honestly, I swear
100
00:03:26,455 --> 00:03:28,488
on my mother.
And Blake's entire family
101
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,324
that we will not bail on you.
102
00:03:30,409 --> 00:03:31,575
Fine!
103
00:03:31,660 --> 00:03:33,076
- Yes.
- Yes, all right.
104
00:03:33,162 --> 00:03:37,175
All right.
Hey, guys, check this out.
105
00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:38,916
- Whoa, nice.
- Cool, right?
106
00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:41,168
- Whoa, very cool.
- Yeah, I figured we could do
107
00:03:41,220 --> 00:03:42,753
a whole thing where it's, like,
"come and join
108
00:03:42,838 --> 00:03:44,471
- the Telamerican army."
- Mm-hmm.
109
00:03:44,506 --> 00:03:45,973
And got a little karaoke
machine so we could
110
00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:47,758
sing some songs.
I'm thinking
111
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:51,148
"proud to be a Telamerican" or
"Telamerica the beautiful."
112
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:52,512
- Ooh, I got one, I got one.
- Yeah?
113
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:53,647
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go.
114
00:03:53,682 --> 00:03:54,693
- Start it off.
- [Clears throat]
115
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,433
Neither!
116
00:03:56,518 --> 00:03:58,488
That's good, here I'll do
the second verse.
117
00:03:58,654 --> 00:04:02,739
Fug this shib.
Very stupid, very dumb idea.
118
00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:05,025
We're not going to do your
stupid sign-up job,
119
00:04:05,110 --> 00:04:07,327
because you said
that we'd blow you off.
120
00:04:07,363 --> 00:04:08,862
- That's right.
- Mm-hmm.
121
00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:11,168
Right. And that's what
you're doing right now.
122
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:13,033
- We are.
- Yes, we are doing that,
123
00:04:13,118 --> 00:04:14,368
- but only because--
- exactly.
124
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:15,702
- You started it.
- But you're--
125
00:04:15,754 --> 00:04:17,204
no, but you started it.
You were a jerk,
126
00:04:17,289 --> 00:04:18,872
and you blew us off, and you
said we weren't
127
00:04:18,924 --> 00:04:20,424
going to help you,
so now we're not going to.
128
00:04:20,509 --> 00:04:22,259
And we would've done really
well, too.
129
00:04:22,344 --> 00:04:24,044
We would've, like,
worked our balls off.
130
00:04:24,129 --> 00:04:26,129
This is exactly why I didn't
want to bring you guys.
131
00:04:26,215 --> 00:04:27,431
Come on, dude, let's go throw
the boomerang in the quad.
132
00:04:27,516 --> 00:04:28,882
Mm-kay.
Hey, Blake?
133
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:30,434
- Mm-hmm?
- Real quick, what's, like,
134
00:04:30,895 --> 00:04:33,136
a cool Australian exit line
that I could say?
135
00:04:33,222 --> 00:04:37,685
Oh, um...
[Whispers]
136
00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:38,976
[Bad Australian accent]
Freakin' crikey.
137
00:04:39,061 --> 00:04:40,444
Laughs]
138
00:04:40,529 --> 00:04:42,396
- That was really good.
- All right, okay.
139
00:04:42,481 --> 00:04:44,564
- This is a big campus, huh?
- Yeah.
140
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:47,067
Getting, like, weird vibes though,
141
00:04:47,152 --> 00:04:48,622
it's like full-body deja vu.
142
00:04:55,744 --> 00:04:57,923
[Gasps]
Dorm Daze.
143
00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,964
This is the college campus where
they shot 24 of my 36 favorite
144
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,928
college pornos.
This is it!
145
00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:05,519
- Whoa.
- That's the vibe.
146
00:05:05,554 --> 00:05:06,887
That's where I was getting that vibe.
147
00:05:06,972 --> 00:05:08,305
Oh.
Okay, okay, that's awesome, man.
148
00:05:08,390 --> 00:05:10,224
[Bad Australian accent]
Now, hey, go long, mate.
149
00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:11,937
I want to toss you the boomer, huh?
150
00:05:12,394 --> 00:05:13,944
I've got to find the dorm room where
151
00:05:14,029 --> 00:05:17,364
they shot the gang bang
sequences, pay my respects.
152
00:05:17,399 --> 00:05:18,949
[Normal voice]
Come on, dude. Go long.
153
00:05:19,034 --> 00:05:21,201
I-I can't throw the boomerang
to myself.
154
00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:23,487
Pretty sure
that's how they work, Blake.
155
00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:25,956
Yeah, I know
how boomerangs work, Adam.
156
00:05:26,041 --> 00:05:27,827
I just want somebody to watch me
157
00:05:27,993 --> 00:05:31,879
- while I throw the boomerang.
- Sorry, Blake.
158
00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:35,418
I've got to find porno!
Whoo!
159
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:39,670
Telamericorp, Telamericorp
160
00:05:39,755 --> 00:05:43,969
come make phone calls with me
161
00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,393
Come on and join
the Telamerican army,
162
00:05:46,428 --> 00:05:48,598
where the front line is the landline.
163
00:05:48,898 --> 00:05:51,181
It's phones. You just make
phone calls all day.
164
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,933
- Hey, army man.
- Yeah?
165
00:05:52,985 --> 00:05:55,647
Do you take requests?
166
00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:59,985
'Cause I request you take that
mic and shove it up your ass.
167
00:06:00,442 --> 00:06:02,153
Well, who are you guys?
Oh, U.S. coast guard!
168
00:06:02,319 --> 00:06:03,613
Cool, I get it.
169
00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:05,779
'Cause you guys coast
on the backs of the people
170
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,702
- who really guard our country.
- [Laughs]
171
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,996
Oh, my God, did one of you
guys just fart?
172
00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:12,664
'Cause it smells like salty dick.
173
00:06:13,088 --> 00:06:14,922
[Laughter]
174
00:06:15,499 --> 00:06:17,457
Whoo.
I'm downwind.
175
00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:19,793
Uh, you guys want to see
my impression of the Navy?
176
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:23,425
[Imitates sonar pings]
177
00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:27,768
And here's my impression
of the U.S. coast guard.
178
00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:29,303
Ah!
[Laughter]
179
00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:31,555
Brock!
Brock, back.
180
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:33,023
Okay.
Yeah, sign up, man.
181
00:06:33,108 --> 00:06:35,603
Just need your name, email,
phone number,
182
00:06:35,769 --> 00:06:36,977
and a stool sample.
Just kidding,
183
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:38,148
I'm not the coast guard.
184
00:06:44,824 --> 00:06:49,355
{pub}To be or not to be,
that is the question.
185
00:06:49,390 --> 00:06:51,036
Whether tis nobler...
186
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:54,944
Doth my eyes hear a fellow thespian?
187
00:06:55,122 --> 00:06:57,751
- Or to take pause--
- thank you.
188
00:06:58,032 --> 00:07:00,032
Do we have anyone else reading
for Hamlet?
189
00:07:00,067 --> 00:07:01,379
One more!
190
00:07:01,545 --> 00:07:03,953
- Get on with it.
- Thanks.
191
00:07:04,038 --> 00:07:05,050
Okay, before I start,
192
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:08,636
this boomerang has,
like, knife edges.
193
00:07:08,802 --> 00:07:12,515
Back off, easy.
[Grunting]
194
00:07:16,810 --> 00:07:19,773
Yah! Yah! Yah!
[Screams]
195
00:07:20,087 --> 00:07:23,777
Back up!
All right, I'm not from here.
196
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,725
I'm from a goddamn prison colony!
197
00:07:26,761 --> 00:07:30,429
So unless you want a little bit
of what he just got--
198
00:07:30,481 --> 00:07:33,148
I'm sorry, what scene are you doing?
199
00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:36,101
This is from Crocodile
Dundee 4: The New Class
200
00:07:36,153 --> 00:07:37,874
it's an original script.
201
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,459
And are you even a student here?
202
00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,002
Not technically, sir, no.
203
00:07:41,168 --> 00:07:44,798
But I will do anything to be a star.
204
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:48,113
You are a very bad actor.
205
00:07:48,165 --> 00:07:50,720
And we would never use you
in a production.
206
00:07:51,335 --> 00:07:53,535
- [Angry muttering].
- Hey.
207
00:07:53,621 --> 00:07:56,622
Hey, what you did up there
was so brave.
208
00:07:56,674 --> 00:07:58,686
The director had no idea
what he was talking about.
209
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:01,961
Well, I mean, I just did what
Dundee would've done-dood.
210
00:08:02,013 --> 00:08:03,149
[Laughs]
211
00:08:03,464 --> 00:08:05,214
Well, you know, my friends
and I are making
212
00:08:05,299 --> 00:08:08,133
this really cool short film today,
213
00:08:08,219 --> 00:08:10,281
we could use a real actor like you.
214
00:08:10,638 --> 00:08:12,638
- Really?
- Yeah.
215
00:08:12,723 --> 00:08:15,829
Do you think you could use
an Aussie in the cast?
216
00:08:16,483 --> 00:08:18,444
- I do 13 unique characters--
- okay, come on.
217
00:08:18,479 --> 00:08:19,361
All right.
218
00:08:20,815 --> 00:08:21,668
18?
No.
219
00:08:26,654 --> 00:08:29,467
[Inspirational music]
220
00:08:29,707 --> 00:08:33,409
221
00:08:33,494 --> 00:08:36,495
I'm finally home.
222
00:08:43,054 --> 00:08:45,904
[Moaning]
223
00:08:47,008 --> 00:08:49,758
Something isn't right.
224
00:08:49,844 --> 00:08:51,698
This is the room...
225
00:08:52,229 --> 00:08:54,826
But it's not the room.
226
00:08:55,182 --> 00:08:57,016
Did they move the walls?
227
00:08:57,101 --> 00:09:00,769
Nope.
That'd be physically impossible.
228
00:09:03,157 --> 00:09:06,629
[Grunting]
229
00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:09,883
[Screaming]
230
00:09:11,866 --> 00:09:12,677
Uh, no.
231
00:09:12,867 --> 00:09:15,250
Doesn't make sense.
232
00:09:15,336 --> 00:09:18,871
In order for semen spray to land here
233
00:09:18,923 --> 00:09:22,424
the Buster would have
to shoot from here.
234
00:09:24,712 --> 00:09:26,845
But Eric was over there.
235
00:09:26,881 --> 00:09:29,798
And he didn't even bust.
236
00:09:32,386 --> 00:09:35,137
Was there a second semen sprayer?
237
00:09:36,474 --> 00:09:39,224
No.
Nope.
238
00:09:39,310 --> 00:09:41,164
Start from the beginning, Adam.
239
00:09:44,031 --> 00:09:45,710
Who the fuck are you?
240
00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:47,253
Is this where the porno was?
241
00:09:47,568 --> 00:09:49,172
I don't know what
you're talking about, man.
242
00:09:49,370 --> 00:09:51,070
Just--just get out of here.
243
00:09:51,122 --> 00:09:52,955
You know what?
244
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,323
I believe you.
245
00:09:54,408 --> 00:09:56,825
I don't see porno in your eyes.
246
00:09:56,911 --> 00:09:59,545
Sorry, I'm going to have
to look around first.
247
00:10:01,499 --> 00:10:04,299
Female sex.
248
00:10:04,385 --> 00:10:06,251
That's code word for porn.
249
00:10:06,337 --> 00:10:07,920
Hey, who wants to be
the 100th contact
250
00:10:08,005 --> 00:10:10,401
given to Telamericorp?
Hook a brother up.
251
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:12,391
The coast guard, what's going on?
252
00:10:12,426 --> 00:10:13,809
Wait a second, if you guys are here,
253
00:10:13,894 --> 00:10:15,427
who's doing nothing on the boat?
254
00:10:15,513 --> 00:10:17,283
[Laughs]
255
00:10:17,681 --> 00:10:19,098
'Cause you guys, I don't know
what you do, what do you guys
256
00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:20,537
even do, do you have boats?
257
00:10:20,768 --> 00:10:22,484
Yeah, we get it.
Yeah, no, you're a regular
258
00:10:22,570 --> 00:10:24,436
- Gabriel Iglesias.
- I wouldn't say that.
259
00:10:24,488 --> 00:10:25,750
Fluffy's very talented.
260
00:10:26,107 --> 00:10:27,573
You really shouldn't make jokes about
261
00:10:27,608 --> 00:10:29,658
- the military like that.
- Okay.
262
00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:33,278
What are you guys gonna do,
give me a code red?
263
00:10:33,364 --> 00:10:34,696
Actually not a bad idea.
264
00:10:34,782 --> 00:10:36,115
[Grunts]
265
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,616
Come on, guys, please.
Don't do this.
266
00:10:37,668 --> 00:10:39,334
Oh, no, man.
267
00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:40,752
Nothing like the taste of
code red on a hot day,
268
00:10:40,788 --> 00:10:42,183
am I right?
269
00:10:42,349 --> 00:10:44,769
My butt hairs are all fizzy now.
270
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:47,793
I think Officer Pettytailwags
is looking a little thirsty.
271
00:10:47,845 --> 00:10:49,941
- What?
- Who's Officer Pettytailwags?
272
00:10:50,264 --> 00:10:52,464
That's not good. That's not
good. That's not good.
273
00:10:52,516 --> 00:10:55,321
That's not bad.
274
00:10:55,886 --> 00:10:57,198
Okay.
275
00:10:57,471 --> 00:10:59,438
Normally we spend our shore
leave [bleep].
276
00:10:59,473 --> 00:11:02,870
Not teaching manners
to phone jockeys.
277
00:11:03,036 --> 00:11:04,330
Come on, Lance.
278
00:11:04,496 --> 00:11:08,981
And so, at this point,
the patriarchy is so deeply
279
00:11:09,066 --> 00:11:13,485
ingrained in modern society,
females are portrayed
280
00:11:13,537 --> 00:11:15,300
almost exclusively as sex objects.
281
00:11:15,956 --> 00:11:16,926
Sex objects.
282
00:11:17,092 --> 00:11:18,595
She talking about dildos, or what?
283
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:20,221
Is there a problem, young man?
284
00:11:20,794 --> 00:11:23,045
No, I just saw this hot chick
walk in with a book that said
285
00:11:23,130 --> 00:11:26,548
"sex" and I figured she was
leading me to the porno room,
286
00:11:27,102 --> 00:11:28,750
but...
[All gasping]
287
00:11:28,836 --> 00:11:31,253
Young man, would you come down
here to the front of the room
288
00:11:31,338 --> 00:11:33,318
and let us ask you some questions?
289
00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:36,058
Oh, hell, yeah, bitch.
Cool.
290
00:11:36,143 --> 00:11:37,947
All right, this is fun.
291
00:11:38,113 --> 00:11:40,783
Damn, girl, you got
some sweater meats up there.
292
00:11:40,949 --> 00:11:42,201
Fascinating.
293
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:44,483
Did you see how he wasn't able
to take
294
00:11:44,518 --> 00:11:47,582
more than just a few steps
without talking about sex?
295
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:51,823
It's really as if he has no
control over his base desires.
296
00:11:51,859 --> 00:11:53,659
I didn't know I was going to
be in a room full of freakin'
297
00:11:53,694 --> 00:11:57,029
hot, young Mileys, or else
I probably would've worn my
298
00:11:57,114 --> 00:11:58,426
big dick jeans!
299
00:11:58,592 --> 00:11:59,761
[Laughs]
300
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:01,888
[Roars]
301
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:11,228
{pub}So this is our set.
302
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:12,813
It's, you know, pretty low-budget,
303
00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:14,365
but I think it's going
to turn out really cool.
304
00:12:14,450 --> 00:12:16,736
Wow.
Okay, pinch me, am I dreaming?
305
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:19,870
[Laughter]
This is awesome.
306
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,823
[Bad Australian accent]
So what's the scene, mate?
307
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:24,661
Well, we improvise most of it.
308
00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:27,211
[Normal voice] Oh, okay,
all right, The League-ing it.
309
00:12:27,296 --> 00:12:28,746
Very smart.
So do you guys work off
310
00:12:29,414 --> 00:12:30,664
of, like, an outline, or--
311
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,083
well, this is Landon, the director.
312
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,885
Hey, how are you, Blake?
Nice to meet you.
313
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:38,305
- You ready to make a movie today?
- You betcha, sir.
314
00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:42,509
So tell me, Adam, what is it
you like about porn?
315
00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:45,012
To begin with, um...
316
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:46,265
Everything.
317
00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:49,683
Not to be, like,
sentimental and cheesy, but...
318
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,769
I love how they just--
319
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,688
their soft cupping of the balls,
320
00:12:54,774 --> 00:13:00,361
and the general way they just
caress the shaft and...
321
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:03,414
[Gagging]
All the gagging.
322
00:13:03,499 --> 00:13:05,326
It's just beautiful to me.
323
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,869
Well, Adam,
I have some bad news for you.
324
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:13,340
Those women are being exploited.
325
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,669
- Nope.
- No, it's true.
326
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,344
Many of them are confused,
young actresses
327
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:22,051
- hoping to be in a movie.
- Red leather, yellow leather.
328
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,550
Right, here we go,
have some acting juice.
329
00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:24,968
Oh, oh, are you kidding me?
330
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,804
They're offered drugs and alcohol
331
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:30,140
to lower their inhibitions.
They're victims, Adam.
332
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,059
So, nobody's told me, like,
what the scene is.
333
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:34,228
I know we're 'prov-ing it,
she told me.
334
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,612
- Well, I'll tell you what.
- Uh-huh.
335
00:13:35,698 --> 00:13:38,065
The scene is sit down
right about here.
336
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:39,566
- Uh-huh.
- And then crystal
337
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:42,780
is gonna gobble your knob.
338
00:13:43,205 --> 00:13:45,205
Shall we maybe do
the scene before, though?
339
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,740
Like, when we, like
meet each other, like--
340
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,375
no, we're good.
All right?
341
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:49,710
Okay.
Yeah.
342
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,706
Sad victims of a dark industry
that caters
343
00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:55,084
to perverted misogynists.
344
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:56,917
Sorry, don't talk about porno
like that.
345
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:57,918
It's, like, fun.
And we're ever--
346
00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,338
they're all having fun.
347
00:13:59,504 --> 00:14:02,306
We're not going to show
the actual, um--
348
00:14:02,391 --> 00:14:04,725
- my penis, are we?
- They manipulate women
349
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,347
emotionally to make them
think they have no choice.
350
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:11,765
What's the matter,
you don't like sex?
351
00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:14,457
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do...
352
00:14:14,582 --> 00:14:15,396
It's just, umh...
353
00:14:15,562 --> 00:14:16,522
You know what?
I should, uh...
354
00:14:17,036 --> 00:14:18,691
I hear my mom calling me, I gotta go.
355
00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:21,277
- I'm so sorry.
- Woah, what the hell, man?
356
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:23,034
You drink my booze,
you you smoke my weed,
357
00:14:23,119 --> 00:14:24,369
and now you want to fucking leave?
358
00:14:24,454 --> 00:14:25,870
- I don't think so, man.
- All right.
359
00:14:25,922 --> 00:14:27,705
Y, stop yelling at me!
360
00:14:27,791 --> 00:14:30,208
All right?
I just want to act!
361
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:32,043
I just want to act, okay?
Don't be mad, all right?
362
00:14:32,128 --> 00:14:36,130
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
shh, shh, shh, shh.
363
00:14:36,216 --> 00:14:39,045
They break these women down
to get what they want,
364
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,918
That's how they get them.
365
00:14:41,043 --> 00:14:43,593
You're in a big time, now.
You're gonna act.
366
00:14:43,718 --> 00:14:45,128
You don't wanna disappoint
all these people, do you?
367
00:14:45,253 --> 00:14:48,714
Everybody's here
working hard to make you look good.
368
00:14:48,799 --> 00:14:51,600
Why don't you take this
and use that closet
369
00:14:51,686 --> 00:14:54,386
to grease up your hog and then
you get your shit together,
370
00:14:54,472 --> 00:14:55,437
we'll make some movies.
371
00:14:55,523 --> 00:14:56,813
- Okay.
- Okay.
372
00:14:57,475 --> 00:14:59,975
- Stop it, you're scaring me.
- Good, you should be scared.
373
00:15:00,061 --> 00:15:03,946
What if your mother
was in this situation?
374
00:15:04,031 --> 00:15:06,280
My mommy doesn't make porno,
she makes ham sammiches.
375
00:15:06,617 --> 00:15:10,736
But porn stars are women,
just like your mom.
376
00:15:10,821 --> 00:15:14,323
So some porn stars are...
377
00:15:14,408 --> 00:15:16,208
Done from a long day on set,
and they go home
378
00:15:16,244 --> 00:15:18,160
and make a little boy ham sammiches?
379
00:15:18,246 --> 00:15:20,129
Yes, Adam.
380
00:15:20,214 --> 00:15:23,464
Porn stars make little boys
ham sammiches too.
381
00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:29,054
I'm gonna find that porno room,
382
00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:30,923
and I'm not going to be the one
cranking down in the corner
383
00:15:30,975 --> 00:15:33,432
and potentially being a [bleep].
No!
384
00:15:33,894 --> 00:15:35,142
I'm gonna shut it down.
385
00:15:35,763 --> 00:15:38,764
'Cause no mommy should go home
and make ham sammiches
386
00:15:38,816 --> 00:15:42,316
for little boys with
ejaculate on their fingers.
387
00:15:42,903 --> 00:15:44,570
I'm doing it.
388
00:15:44,605 --> 00:15:46,028
For the mommies!
389
00:15:46,357 --> 00:15:48,274
Look, I just wanted
to apologize to you guys.
390
00:15:48,326 --> 00:15:50,783
We got off on the wrong foot.
I'm here to clear the air.
391
00:15:50,949 --> 00:15:53,112
With a Gabriel Iglesias-style joke.
392
00:15:53,164 --> 00:15:54,787
- Better be funny.
- It's funny.
393
00:15:55,116 --> 00:15:57,508
There's an air force guy
and a coast guard guy.
394
00:15:57,633 --> 00:15:59,271
They're walking down the street,
right?
395
00:15:59,396 --> 00:16:03,044
And they see this kid playing
with a pile of poop.
396
00:16:03,853 --> 00:16:06,107
So I go,
"hey, kid. What do you make?"
397
00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:08,718
Kid goes, "uh, making a pilot."
398
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:11,393
- [Laughs]
- Nice.
399
00:16:11,518 --> 00:16:13,472
- Get 'em.
- Air force guy's like, what?
400
00:16:13,638 --> 00:16:15,465
And then the kid says...
401
00:16:15,590 --> 00:16:17,545
"Yeah, I would've made a coast guard,
402
00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:18,728
but I didn't have enough [bleep]."
403
00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:20,287
Frickin' see ya!
404
00:16:20,373 --> 00:16:23,424
[Punk music]
405
00:16:23,940 --> 00:16:28,262
406
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,157
You guys chasing this guy?
407
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:32,366
Wanna help me get him off my ladder?
408
00:16:32,402 --> 00:16:33,951
- Yeah.
- Hey, thanks.
409
00:16:34,037 --> 00:16:35,736
Thanks for that, I really--
no, no, guys, come on.
410
00:16:35,788 --> 00:16:37,330
- This is all set up?
- Looks dynamite.
411
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:41,242
Great.
All right, I'm excited.
412
00:16:41,327 --> 00:16:43,411
Whoa.
Hey, there he is. Wow.
413
00:16:43,496 --> 00:16:45,046
Hey, do you still want to do
that Australian voice?
414
00:16:45,081 --> 00:16:46,213
That could be fun.
415
00:16:46,749 --> 00:16:48,049
I don't care anymore.
416
00:16:48,381 --> 00:16:50,251
Well, let's roll, people.
417
00:16:50,303 --> 00:16:51,552
Time to get that dick out, homey.
418
00:16:51,588 --> 00:16:53,087
Yeah.
419
00:16:53,139 --> 00:16:54,889
- [Door opens]
- Ah, stop, stop!
420
00:16:54,924 --> 00:16:56,841
Is this the porno?
Cover up your bosoms.
421
00:16:56,926 --> 00:16:58,559
You could be my mommy.
My mommy doesn't
422
00:16:58,595 --> 00:17:00,645
have her boobies flopped out,
they're flopped in.
423
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:03,231
What the hell is this.
Who are all these peop...
424
00:17:03,266 --> 00:17:05,766
Shhhh.
425
00:17:05,852 --> 00:17:08,936
The mirror.
426
00:17:09,022 --> 00:17:12,948
I always crank down while
looking into a mirror.
427
00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:14,609
- Really.
- Yeah.
428
00:17:14,694 --> 00:17:16,327
So I could see myself enjoying it.
429
00:17:16,412 --> 00:17:18,112
It's not weird, a lot of dudes
do it nowadays,
430
00:17:18,164 --> 00:17:19,697
it's like, a millennial thing.
431
00:17:19,996 --> 00:17:23,451
That doesn't matter.
What matters is...
432
00:17:23,536 --> 00:17:26,370
The image is reversed.
433
00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:29,624
That means the porno's
not in room 18,
434
00:17:29,676 --> 00:17:32,627
it's in the reverse version of that.
435
00:17:32,679 --> 00:17:35,471
Room... Uh.
436
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:37,515
- 81?
- Yep, that's it, s'go!
437
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:38,933
Stop it, I'm serious.
438
00:17:39,469 --> 00:17:41,135
Come on, man, you already
made a dog toss my salad.
439
00:17:41,187 --> 00:17:43,220
Stop it!
Guys, okay, that's it,
440
00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:45,473
that's it.
Coming at cha.
441
00:17:45,558 --> 00:17:46,440
[Spits]
442
00:17:46,859 --> 00:17:48,142
[Laughs]
443
00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:49,393
He's hocking bombs.
444
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:54,073
[Grunting and screaming]
445
00:17:54,284 --> 00:17:55,074
[Laughs]
446
00:17:55,451 --> 00:17:57,735
Oh, bye.
447
00:18:00,156 --> 00:18:01,497
Get that pecker out, buddy.
448
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,249
[Laughs]
Working on it.
449
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:04,909
Time to get it out, though.
Seriously.
450
00:18:04,994 --> 00:18:06,294
Okay, I can't.
451
00:18:06,329 --> 00:18:07,328
What?
I'm sorry, it's, like,
452
00:18:07,413 --> 00:18:08,913
it's very small, all right?
453
00:18:08,998 --> 00:18:09,997
It's like the... You know
the plastic thing
454
00:18:10,083 --> 00:18:11,666
at the end of a shoelace.
455
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,718
Just take it out now, man!
456
00:18:13,803 --> 00:18:15,636
- I need it now.
- [Groaning]
457
00:18:15,672 --> 00:18:18,055
I need that penis, Blake.
458
00:18:26,104 --> 00:18:28,521
{pub}Quit crying and let me see
that donger, bro.
459
00:18:28,773 --> 00:18:30,156
- [Crying]
- Just do it, man.
460
00:18:30,242 --> 00:18:31,658
- I am!
- Take your dick out--
461
00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:33,029
- [door slams open]
- Party's over, porno boy!
462
00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:33,993
[Shrieks]
463
00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:35,778
Blake...
464
00:18:35,831 --> 00:18:38,331
You're the one who's doing the porno?
465
00:18:38,416 --> 00:18:40,416
New Adam is mad at you
for doing this porno,
466
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,368
and old Adam is frickin' pissed
you didn't invite him,
467
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:45,338
so now you have two mad Adams
to answer to.
468
00:18:45,423 --> 00:18:46,756
- Man, I'm, like--
- two mad Adams!
469
00:18:46,791 --> 00:18:48,374
- I'm sorry, all right?
- Madams!
470
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:49,375
- I'm mad at myself too.
- [Knocks at window] Hey.
471
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:50,212
Ders?
472
00:18:50,795 --> 00:18:53,346
Help, somebody please let me in.
473
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:58,262
Oh, jeez, you are feeling fat
as hell. Oh, my God.
474
00:18:58,428 --> 00:18:59,636
What is going on in here, though?
475
00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:01,387
He gave me a bunch of beer and, like,
476
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:02,805
she gave me some weed, and then
they're, like, telling me
477
00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:04,557
to show my little Henderson,
I'm like,
478
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:06,142
- "dude, I don't want to."
- That's what they do.
479
00:19:06,194 --> 00:19:07,810
That's what they do.
Shh, cover your bosoms,
480
00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:09,479
cover your bosoms.
Because I'm about to save you
481
00:19:09,564 --> 00:19:12,532
and this poor, sweet,
innocent girl, crystal,
482
00:19:12,617 --> 00:19:14,284
from her evil oppressor, Landon,
who I actually
483
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:17,487
- appreciate his films!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
484
00:19:17,572 --> 00:19:19,539
- Don't do that. Don't.
- Come at me, bro!
485
00:19:19,624 --> 00:19:21,207
You don't even know--
you don't even know
486
00:19:21,293 --> 00:19:23,159
what you're doing,
because he washed your brain.
487
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:25,578
Look, I'm-- I'm not brainwashed.
488
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:26,874
You know I'm a producer on this.
489
00:19:27,048 --> 00:19:29,001
I own 40% of the company.
490
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,711
Plus, I love to squirt on film.
491
00:19:30,877 --> 00:19:32,552
It's kinda my thing.
492
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:36,217
So, you're telling me that
some girls do like doing pornog.
493
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:38,803
- Oh, yeah.
- That's right, Adam.
494
00:19:39,144 --> 00:19:40,310
No man has a right to tell a woman
495
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,806
what to do with her body.
496
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:45,351
Even if she's being
sexually exploited.
497
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,850
I knew you were an idiot.
Hell yeah!
498
00:19:48,186 --> 00:19:49,936
Cool.
I'm a big fan.
499
00:19:50,313 --> 00:19:52,272
Give me that paper back,
or you're a dead man.
500
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,073
You got me running all over campus.
501
00:19:54,159 --> 00:19:56,159
I should be chasing chicks,
not dudes!
502
00:19:56,444 --> 00:19:57,194
Wait, hold up!
503
00:19:57,593 --> 00:19:59,086
You wanna be chasing chicks, what?
504
00:19:59,211 --> 00:20:01,283
Are you guys trying to get
your boner on or something?
505
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,409
- Oh, yeah.
- Cool.
506
00:20:02,813 --> 00:20:04,061
Well, what if, uh...
507
00:20:04,754 --> 00:20:07,248
What if these bros get
in your little movie?
508
00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:09,124
That's a good idea, maybe do
509
00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:11,076
kind of a coast guard gangbang
kinda thing.
510
00:20:11,162 --> 00:20:12,661
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And if you guys want to, like,
511
00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:14,129
get crazy, get weird,
they've got this little
512
00:20:14,165 --> 00:20:16,340
French bulldog that you know
can toss a salad.
513
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:19,718
- Uh-huh, sure.
- Like, it's crazy good.
514
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:22,087
How do you know that?
515
00:20:22,173 --> 00:20:24,223
Could. It could toss a salad,
you know it could.
516
00:20:24,308 --> 00:20:25,683
You know it could.
517
00:20:26,143 --> 00:20:27,476
Guys, this is great, I think
we're going to get, like,
518
00:20:27,511 --> 00:20:29,178
- all 100 contacts.
- Nice.
519
00:20:29,263 --> 00:20:31,180
Thanks for the help.
520
00:20:31,265 --> 00:20:33,015
Probably should've just asked
you right from the jump, huh?
521
00:20:33,067 --> 00:20:34,483
No.
We would've ditched you.
522
00:20:34,518 --> 00:20:35,901
Immediately.
That was our whole game plan.
523
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:38,187
- Okay, good.
- But hey, what do you say
524
00:20:38,239 --> 00:20:40,689
we go back
to being best friends, huh?
525
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:43,442
- Do it, man.
- Let's do it, this is awesome.
526
00:20:43,527 --> 00:20:46,328
- Go ahead?
- Also, oh, I was thinking
527
00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:48,363
we should, um...
528
00:20:48,488 --> 00:20:49,698
We should definitely get a dog
for the house.
529
00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:50,893
For, like, security and stuff.
530
00:20:51,018 --> 00:20:52,376
Like, not to play with.
531
00:20:54,308 --> 00:20:56,380
That dog licked your butthole,
didn't it?
532
00:20:56,430 --> 00:21:00,980
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