Original subtitles

- Ooh, hey. - Hey.

Hollywood's biggest night, huh?

- Mm-hmm. - What'd you put down

- for best foreign? - You know me, man.

Just put down the Danish one, trying to

- keep it Scandinavian, so. - Oh, man, I hope

tonight tops last year because I really feel

that it was just a bunch of people, like, I dunno,

- sucking each other off, really. - Yeah.

- On the red carpet. - It kinda was.

Yeah, it was like one big circle jerk, right?

- Yep. - Ooh, Adam, Adam,

it's starting! It's starting!

Who's hungry? [Laughter]

All right, that looks great.

Tittay.

Welcome to the AVN Award Show, where we honor the best

- in adult entertainment. - Who do you guys got

- for best MMF-DP-ATM? - Um...

Who did I mark?

- Gianna. - Yep, and I got Chloe.

[Beatboxing]

I'm fresh

you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, gotta

gotta be fresh

Adam, I can't believe you got every category right.

Dude, you even guessed best dong-umentary.

Yes, well, 12 Inches A Slave was a no-brainer, but

I'll admit it, having a pornographic memory

doesn't hurt. I cannot forget a dick.

Which is crazy, 'cause you can't remember anything else,

- right? - Yeah, no, I can't remember

what I ate for breakfast. I can't remember, like,

my social security number, which is an issue sometimes,

but I remember, like, every frame of the porno that

I cranked down to in the mirror last night.

Did you just say you crank down in the mirror?

You guys don't crank down in the mirror?

Okay, I'll teach you something.

All right, so you are the mirror.

- Uh-huh. - Okay?

And this, right here, the screen, that's where

all the porno's happening. So I put a little porno

back here and I look in the mirror,

and it's like I'm in the porno. It's like a pop porno.

And then I'm looking at myself at the same time,

and going like, "you're having fun, this is fun.

- Look at you." - Sure.

Seems like a lot of work, but very cool.

- It's not. - I like to just squeeze it

till it pops. And move on, you know?

- It's not, it's not a lot. - It's a little overwhelming

for me, so, if we could, if you wouldn't mind...

- Absolutely. - I'd like to ask you

about the giant bag you brought to work.

- What's up with that? - Hello, it's my costume bag

- from my theater days. - Uh-oh.

When we were watching The AVN Awards it kind of got

the old actor juices a-flowin.

I had different juices flowing.

- Semen. - Me too.

[Bad Australian accent] Do you remember Sydney,

the Australian tour guide?

- I do. - Good day, mate.

Oh, and crikey, is that a didgeridoo?

- What the hell are you doing? - [Normal voice] Huh?

Anders, I got a mission for you, stretch.

- Uh, ma'am, yes, ma'am. - I'm sending you

to the North Rancho college job fair to recruit

- some new employees. - Wow, okay.

Grab a couple of people to help you get contact info

on 100 people interested in working here.

You got it, I will assemble my team right now.

Great.

We going back to college, we going back to college.

- [Grunts rhythmically] - Yes, yes.

Not so fast, guys. Okay?

My career here at T.A.C. is clearly riding on this,

and you two? On a college campus?

Not happening.

Attention, Telamericans,

tomorrow morning at 0900 hours, we will deploy onto the campus

of north rancho college,

trying to get 100 sigs of some fresh meat,

who's with me?

Bill, Tez?

You boys up for an excellent adventure?

And miss out on my commissions? Foo' please.

I'm trying to ball out at this hookah bar this weekend.

[Laughs]

-�Ders... Come on. -�Please take us.

- Stop. - I'm not going to stop.

Stop him. Please stop him.

I'm not going to stop until you take us.

I know you guys, all right? You're gonna, like,

basically show up and then I'm going to do all the work

and you're going to run off, and I'm going to be alone

- doing all the work. - Honestly, I swear

on my mother. And Blake's entire family

that we will not bail on you.

Fine!

- Yes. - Yes, all right.

All right. Hey, guys, check this out.

- Whoa, nice. - Cool, right?

- Whoa, very cool. - Yeah, I figured we could do

a whole thing where it's, like, "come and join

- the Telamerican army." - Mm-hmm.

And got a little karaoke machine so we could

sing some songs. I'm thinking

"proud to be a Telamerican" or "Telamerica the beautiful."

- Ooh, I got one, I got one. - Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go.

- Start it off. - [Clears throat]

Neither!

That's good, here I'll do the second verse.

Fug this shib. Very stupid, very dumb idea.

We're not going to do your stupid sign-up job,

because you said that we'd blow you off.

- That's right. - Mm-hmm.

Right. And that's what you're doing right now.

- We are. - Yes, we are doing that,

- but only because-- - exactly.

- You started it. - But you're--

no, but you started it. You were a jerk,

and you blew us off, and you said we weren't

going to help you, so now we're not going to.

And we would've done really well, too.

We would've, like, worked our balls off.

This is exactly why I didn't want to bring you guys.

Come on, dude, let's go throw the boomerang in the quad.

Mm-kay. Hey, Blake?

- Mm-hmm? - Real quick, what's, like,

a cool Australian exit line that I could say?

Oh, um... [Whispers]

[Bad Australian accent] Freakin' crikey.

Laughs]

- That was really good. - All right, okay.

- This is a big campus, huh? - Yeah.

Getting, like, weird vibes though,

it's like full-body deja vu.

[Gasps] Dorm Daze.

This is the college campus where they shot 24 of my 36 favorite

college pornos. This is it!

- Whoa. - That's the vibe.

That's where I was getting that vibe.

Oh. Okay, okay, that's awesome, man.

[Bad Australian accent] Now, hey, go long, mate.

I want to toss you the boomer, huh?

I've got to find the dorm room where

they shot the gang bang sequences, pay my respects.

[Normal voice] Come on, dude. Go long.

I-I can't throw the boomerang to myself.

Pretty sure that's how they work, Blake.

Yeah, I know how boomerangs work, Adam.

I just want somebody to watch me

- while I throw the boomerang. - Sorry, Blake.

I've got to find porno! Whoo!

Telamericorp, Telamericorp

come make phone calls with me

Come on and join the Telamerican army,

where the front line is the landline.

It's phones. You just make phone calls all day.

- Hey, army man. - Yeah?

Do you take requests?

'Cause I request you take that mic and shove it up your ass.

Well, who are you guys? Oh, U.S. coast guard!

Cool, I get it.

'Cause you guys coast on the backs of the people

- who really guard our country. - [Laughs]

Oh, my God, did one of you guys just fart?

'Cause it smells like salty dick.

[Laughter]

Whoo. I'm downwind.

Uh, you guys want to see my impression of the Navy?

[Imitates sonar pings]

And here's my impression of the U.S. coast guard.

Ah! [Laughter]

Brock! Brock, back.

Okay. Yeah, sign up, man.

Just need your name, email, phone number,

and a stool sample. Just kidding,

I'm not the coast guard.

{pub}To be or not to be, that is the question.

Whether tis nobler...

Doth my eyes hear a fellow thespian?

- Or to take pause-- - thank you.

Do we have anyone else reading for Hamlet?

One more!

- Get on with it. - Thanks.

Okay, before I start,

this boomerang has, like, knife edges.

Back off, easy. [Grunting]

Yah! Yah! Yah! [Screams]

Back up! All right, I'm not from here.

I'm from a goddamn prison colony!

So unless you want a little bit of what he just got--

I'm sorry, what scene are you doing?

This is from Crocodile Dundee 4: The New Class

it's an original script.

And are you even a student here?

Not technically, sir, no.

But I will do anything to be a star.

You are a very bad actor.

And we would never use you in a production.

- [Angry muttering]. - Hey.

Hey, what you did up there was so brave.

The director had no idea what he was talking about.

Well, I mean, I just did what Dundee would've done-dood.

[Laughs]

Well, you know, my friends and I are making

this really cool short film today,

we could use a real actor like you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Do you think you could use an Aussie in the cast?

- I do 13 unique characters-- - okay, come on.

All right.

18? No.

[Inspirational music]

I'm finally home.

[Moaning]

Something isn't right.

This is the room...

But it's not the room.

Did they move the walls?

Nope. That'd be physically impossible.

[Grunting]

[Screaming]

Uh, no.

Doesn't make sense.

In order for semen spray to land here

the Buster would have to shoot from here.

But Eric was over there.

And he didn't even bust.

Was there a second semen sprayer?

No. Nope.

Start from the beginning, Adam.

Who the fuck are you?

Is this where the porno was?

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

Just--just get out of here.

You know what?

I believe you.

I don't see porno in your eyes.

Sorry, I'm going to have to look around first.

Female sex.

That's code word for porn.

Hey, who wants to be the 100th contact

given to Telamericorp? Hook a brother up.

The coast guard, what's going on?

Wait a second, if you guys are here,

who's doing nothing on the boat?

[Laughs]

'Cause you guys, I don't know what you do, what do you guys

even do, do you have boats?

Yeah, we get it. Yeah, no, you're a regular

- Gabriel Iglesias. - I wouldn't say that.

Fluffy's very talented.

You really shouldn't make jokes about

- the military like that. - Okay.

What are you guys gonna do, give me a code red?

Actually not a bad idea.

[Grunts]

Come on, guys, please. Don't do this.

Oh, no, man.

Nothing like the taste of code red on a hot day,

am I right?

My butt hairs are all fizzy now.

I think Officer Pettytailwags is looking a little thirsty.

- What? - Who's Officer Pettytailwags?

That's not good. That's not good. That's not good.

That's not bad.

Okay.

Normally we spend our shore leave [bleep].

Not teaching manners to phone jockeys.

Come on, Lance.

And so, at this point, the patriarchy is so deeply

ingrained in modern society, females are portrayed

almost exclusively as sex objects.

Sex objects.

She talking about dildos, or what?

Is there a problem, young man?

No, I just saw this hot chick walk in with a book that said

"sex" and I figured she was leading me to the porno room,

but... [All gasping]

Young man, would you come down here to the front of the room

and let us ask you some questions?

Oh, hell, yeah, bitch. Cool.

All right, this is fun.

Damn, girl, you got some sweater meats up there.

Fascinating.

Did you see how he wasn't able to take

more than just a few steps without talking about sex?

It's really as if he has no control over his base desires.

I didn't know I was going to be in a room full of freakin'

hot, young Mileys, or else I probably would've worn my

big dick jeans!

[Laughs]

[Roars]

{pub}So this is our set.

It's, you know, pretty low-budget,

but I think it's going to turn out really cool.

Wow. Okay, pinch me, am I dreaming?

[Laughter] This is awesome.

[Bad Australian accent] So what's the scene, mate?

Well, we improvise most of it.

[Normal voice] Oh, okay, all right, The League-ing it.

Very smart. So do you guys work off

of, like, an outline, or--

well, this is Landon, the director.

Hey, how are you, Blake? Nice to meet you.

- You ready to make a movie today? - You betcha, sir.

So tell me, Adam, what is it you like about porn?

To begin with, um...

Everything.

Not to be, like, sentimental and cheesy, but...

I love how they just--

their soft cupping of the balls,

and the general way they just caress the shaft and...

[Gagging] All the gagging.

It's just beautiful to me.

Well, Adam, I have some bad news for you.

Those women are being exploited.

- Nope. - No, it's true.

Many of them are confused, young actresses

- hoping to be in a movie. - Red leather, yellow leather.

Right, here we go, have some acting juice.

Oh, oh, are you kidding me?

They're offered drugs and alcohol

to lower their inhibitions. They're victims, Adam.

So, nobody's told me, like, what the scene is.

I know we're 'prov-ing it, she told me.

- Well, I'll tell you what. - Uh-huh.

The scene is sit down right about here.

- Uh-huh. - And then crystal

is gonna gobble your knob.

Shall we maybe do the scene before, though?

Like, when we, like meet each other, like--

no, we're good. All right?

Okay. Yeah.

Sad victims of a dark industry that caters

to perverted misogynists.

Sorry, don't talk about porno like that.

It's, like, fun. And we're ever--

they're all having fun.

We're not going to show the actual, um--

- my penis, are we? - They manipulate women

emotionally to make them think they have no choice.

What's the matter, you don't like sex?

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do...

It's just, umh...

You know what? I should, uh...

I hear my mom calling me, I gotta go.

- I'm so sorry. - Woah, what the hell, man?

You drink my booze, you you smoke my weed,

and now you want to fucking leave?

- I don't think so, man. - All right.

Y, stop yelling at me!

All right? I just want to act!

I just want to act, okay? Don't be mad, all right?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, shh, shh, shh, shh.

They break these women down to get what they want,

That's how they get them.

You're in a big time, now. You're gonna act.

You don't wanna disappoint all these people, do you?

Everybody's here working hard to make you look good.

Why don't you take this and use that closet

to grease up your hog and then you get your shit together,

we'll make some movies.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Stop it, you're scaring me. - Good, you should be scared.

What if your mother was in this situation?

My mommy doesn't make porno, she makes ham sammiches.

But porn stars are women, just like your mom.

So some porn stars are...

Done from a long day on set, and they go home

and make a little boy ham sammiches?

Yes, Adam.

Porn stars make little boys ham sammiches too.

I'm gonna find that porno room,

and I'm not going to be the one cranking down in the corner

and potentially being a [bleep]. No!

I'm gonna shut it down.

'Cause no mommy should go home and make ham sammiches

for little boys with ejaculate on their fingers.

I'm doing it.

For the mommies!

Look, I just wanted to apologize to you guys.

We got off on the wrong foot. I'm here to clear the air.

With a Gabriel Iglesias-style joke.

- Better be funny. - It's funny.

There's an air force guy and a coast guard guy.

They're walking down the street, right?

And they see this kid playing with a pile of poop.

So I go, "hey, kid. What do you make?"

Kid goes, "uh, making a pilot."

- [Laughs] - Nice.

- Get 'em. - Air force guy's like, what?

And then the kid says...

"Yeah, I would've made a coast guard,

but I didn't have enough [bleep]."

Frickin' see ya!

[Punk music]

You guys chasing this guy?

Wanna help me get him off my ladder?

- Yeah. - Hey, thanks.

Thanks for that, I really-- no, no, guys, come on.

- This is all set up? - Looks dynamite.

Great. All right, I'm excited.

Whoa. Hey, there he is. Wow.

Hey, do you still want to do that Australian voice?

That could be fun.

I don't care anymore.

Well, let's roll, people.

Time to get that dick out, homey.

Yeah.

- [Door opens] - Ah, stop, stop!

Is this the porno? Cover up your bosoms.

You could be my mommy. My mommy doesn't

have her boobies flopped out, they're flopped in.

What the hell is this. Who are all these peop...

Shhhh.

The mirror.

I always crank down while looking into a mirror.

- Really. - Yeah.

So I could see myself enjoying it.

It's not weird, a lot of dudes do it nowadays,

it's like, a millennial thing.

That doesn't matter. What matters is...

The image is reversed.

That means the porno's not in room 18,

it's in the reverse version of that.

Room... Uh.

- 81? - Yep, that's it, s'go!

Stop it, I'm serious.

Come on, man, you already made a dog toss my salad.

Stop it! Guys, okay, that's it,

that's it. Coming at cha.

[Spits]

[Laughs]

He's hocking bombs.

[Grunting and screaming]

[Laughs]

Oh, bye.

Get that pecker out, buddy.

[Laughs] Working on it.

Time to get it out, though. Seriously.

Okay, I can't.

What? I'm sorry, it's, like,

it's very small, all right?

It's like the... You know the plastic thing

at the end of a shoelace.

Just take it out now, man!

- I need it now. - [Groaning]

I need that penis, Blake.

{pub}Quit crying and let me see that donger, bro.

- [Crying] - Just do it, man.

- I am! - Take your dick out--

- [door slams open] - Party's over, porno boy!

[Shrieks]

Blake...

You're the one who's doing the porno?

New Adam is mad at you for doing this porno,

and old Adam is frickin' pissed you didn't invite him,

so now you have two mad Adams to answer to.

- Man, I'm, like-- - two mad Adams!

- I'm sorry, all right? - Madams!

- I'm mad at myself too. - [Knocks at window] Hey.

Ders?

Help, somebody please let me in.

Oh, jeez, you are feeling fat as hell. Oh, my God.

What is going on in here, though?

He gave me a bunch of beer and, like,

she gave me some weed, and then they're, like, telling me

to show my little Henderson, I'm like,

- "dude, I don't want to." - That's what they do.

That's what they do. Shh, cover your bosoms,

cover your bosoms. Because I'm about to save you

and this poor, sweet, innocent girl, crystal,

from her evil oppressor, Landon, who I actually

- appreciate his films! - No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Don't do that. Don't. - Come at me, bro!

You don't even know-- you don't even know

what you're doing, because he washed your brain.

Look, I'm-- I'm not brainwashed.

You know I'm a producer on this.

I own 40% of the company.

Plus, I love to squirt on film.

It's kinda my thing.

So, you're telling me that some girls do like doing pornog.

- Oh, yeah. - That's right, Adam.

No man has a right to tell a woman

what to do with her body.

Even if she's being sexually exploited.

I knew you were an idiot. Hell yeah!

Cool. I'm a big fan.

Give me that paper back, or you're a dead man.

You got me running all over campus.

I should be chasing chicks, not dudes!

Wait, hold up!

You wanna be chasing chicks, what?

Are you guys trying to get your boner on or something?

- Oh, yeah. - Cool.

Well, what if, uh...

What if these bros get in your little movie?

That's a good idea, maybe do

kind of a coast guard gangbang kinda thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you guys want to, like,

get crazy, get weird, they've got this little

French bulldog that you know can toss a salad.

- Uh-huh, sure. - Like, it's crazy good.

How do you know that?

Could. It could toss a salad, you know it could.

You know it could.

Guys, this is great, I think we're going to get, like,

- all 100 contacts. - Nice.

Thanks for the help.

Probably should've just asked you right from the jump, huh?

No. We would've ditched you.

Immediately. That was our whole game plan.

- Okay, good. - But hey, what do you say

we go back to being best friends, huh?

- Do it, man. - Let's do it, this is awesome.

- Go ahead? - Also, oh, I was thinking

we should, um...

We should definitely get a dog for the house.

For, like, security and stuff.

Like, not to play with.

That dog licked your butthole, didn't it?

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