Original subtitles

They found me in the woods

'Cause I was raised by possums

You wouldn't believe it, but the life was awesome

I was the most crucial marsupial

Can I help you?

Oh! Oh!

Ders, I didn't know anybody else was in here, man.

You scared the crap out of me.

The shower's running, Karl.

Did you catch it?

Ha! You didn't get it. It was a joke.

Get out now.

Oh, my God, come on, man.

I flushed my hacky sack down there.

I got to get my hacky sack back, jack.

Fine. And then get out of here.

Jesus. Thank God I come from plumbing stock.

Mammy and Grambo were two of the best.

Oh, my... Dude! You put your dookie in there.

- You said it was a hacky sack. - Well, yeah.

I had to take a crap, and the sink was too high, man.

Come on, what do you expect?

I hate you. Get out. Give me the monkey-wrench thing.

- Fine. Give it a shot. - Oh, my God!

Well, as long as we get this thing unclogged

before my party, I'll be fine.

Wait. What party? Ow! Oh.

- I just loosened something. - Yeah, you did.

Oh!

Oh, my hacky sack. Nice, dude. Thank you.

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- Man, it smells like farts. - I don't smell farts.

We are not throwing a party for Karl!

What are you talking about? Karl's episode

of Cheaters is re-airing. You know the one,

where he gets caught munching that married chick's carp.

You loved that party last year.

Remember all those star-fugger chicks were, like,

"Oh! Oh!" like, ready.

They didn't actually make that noise,

But they were throwing out the vibe.

Yeah, they were throwing that vibe.

It was more of a vibe than a noise.

Okay, yes, we are definitely gonna have this party.

I'm hoping this year to have some, like, intercourse,

'cause last year I just had, like, a ton of outercourse.

So I'm hoping to get inside this time.

- I believe in you. - Thank you.

All right, hold up, hold up.

You guys want to... my fan club,

That's totally cool with me. That's legitimate.

But you better not run out of snacks

like you did last time, okay?

I'm not showing up unless you guys get me

a giant popcorn tin with three flavors of popcorn...

Caramel, cheddar,

and whatever else comes in it.

- Popcorn diva. - He's changed.

Yeah, TV changed a man.

But you know what that means.

We got to go snack shopping.

- Yeah. - And, Ders...

Wearing a towel like a woman...

That's funny, dude!

- Pretty good, right? - Yes.

I was getting out of the shower, I looked in the mirror,

I was like, "Just do it."

What the hell?

- Who stole all the snacks? - You know what?

I bet it was us... The other day.

- Freak! - Oh, cool, a clif bar.

I'd rather jump off one than eat one of those disgusting things!

- Right? - They suck. They're dry.

Let's go talk to Alice about how pissed we are!

Got a bone to pick.

I'm actually gonna eat this.

These aren't as bad as I said earlier.

Oh, God! Do you not knock?

The break room has been robbed.

There are thieves in our midst.

Yes. And we, the dudes, have the right to bear snacks.

That's right, so gummi bears, Teddy Grahams,

honey, salmon, caesar...

And they have those really good ones with the white bag,

With the frosting and the sprinkles.

Okay, listen up, everyone.

Okay, I am sick and tired

of hearing about the goddamn break room.

- Yep. - "Oh, where's my jell-o?"

"Waymond's putting his fingers in my peanut butter."

Choose someone to be in charge of the snacks,

And I will give them my Costco card, the end.

Never fear, Monteezy is here.

Colleen got me on this new-age diet, and I'm looking two words: Dee licious.

- You look horrible. - Yeah. Still...

- You look really bad. - Listen,

I say we take the break room, and we "healthify" this bitch.

You know, I used to be like, "Oh, hell, kale?"

Now I'm like, "Oh, hell, kale!"

- He said the same thing. - And these juice cleanses...

Got my skin glowing like Paula Abdul.

I'll... to that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the clock.

Okay, check yourself before you elect yourself.

We're gonna have a proper election happening here.

Okay, who else is gonna run?

We will, like, together as, like...

Like, we'll be combined, like Voltron,

Except for we're not gonna run.

We're gonna sprint, like Usain Bolt-ron.

What?

How did I think of that? That was so good.

That was so good. That was smart of me.

I was like Jay-Z.

If you could just excuse us for one second.

- That was amazing. - Thank you.

But we can't elect ourselves because they're gonna know

we're stealing the snacks, you dig?

But, dude, did you hear? The Costco card, man...

That's, like, bulk snacks, samplers, bulk booze.

Kirkland!

- Kirkland. - Kirkland.

- You know about that. It's so good. - I know about that.

Best vodka. Yeah, I rep Kirkland.

Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna elect Jillian.

That way, we'll tell her what to buy.

We'll steal from her. It wont come back to us.

- We'll be geniuses. She'll be... - Yeah.

She'll be like Elmo, and we'll be that

allegedly black pervert dude with our hand up her butt.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna unhuddle now.

Guys, so for the election that I was talking about,

We elect Jillian.

Whoo! Wait. What?

No. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

Whenever I'm given responsibility,

I turn into a crazy person, and I am not crazy.

You are, though, right?

Hey, we are your campaign team, okay?

Uh, Blake will be your image consultant, all right?

And, uh, Adam... Political advisor.

Hi-de-ho, good neighbor.

And I'll be campaign manager, of course, okay?

Why do you get to be campaign manager, huh?

That doesn't sound like teamwork, Ders.

I'm taking a leadership role, okay?

- You can't spell it without "Ders". - You can't spell "it" without "Ders"?

I-T. I just did.

I guess I'm a freakin' genius.

Anders, do you now know how to spell "it"?

Yeah, are you an it-iot?

It-iot. I-t-o-t.

Leadership!

Okay, whatever, man. Fine. I'll be the political advisor.

I'll 'vise the shib out of your ads.

That's something I'm willing to do.

But in return, we need to do something for me

Using my strength and my muscles.

I shall be head security detail.

I would love that. I'd feel a lot safer with that.

Cool, 'cause I know a lot more about protecting people!

- Whoa! - Whoa, Waymond.

Running security. So, if you have any issues...

You're looking good. Dust it off.

He's shook.

Well, don't be a bitch about it, you know?

Okay, politics are all about image, right?

That's why we got you looking like the porn star from "Nailin' Palin."

- You look great. - Here, final touch...

Put these chicken cutlets in your boob cups.

- Go ahead. - You think this is a good idea?

Oh, yeah, you kidding me?

Big titties... they command respect.

Yeah, you got to have at least those Kat Dennings upstairs

to get anywhere in this world.

- Okay? - Yes.

What's his name?

Um, what's, uh, your name again?

- Gil. - Gil.

- Okay, his name is Gil. - Okay.

- He works here. - Here?

Yeah. How about that?

Hey, Gil. My name is Gillian Belk,

And I work here too. No, I'm sorry... Jillian.

I'm Jillian Bleck. Nope. Blelk.

Blocks. My name's Bling...

Don't... just start from the top.

- Uh... My name's Lennon. - Just start over.

I can't. I'm gonna throw up.

Hi, Bill. My name is Jillian Belk.

And I'll shop for you.

That's my slogan. I thought of it.

Just make sure you buy lots of fruity pebbles, okay?

They're bomb-dot-com.

Yeah, I'm gonna need to take these for testing.

Make sure there's no ricin.

Mmm. No, don't taste any rice in it,

But I'm gonna keep these for testing... Ist's a security thing.

Let me get some of those, man. They're so good.

That's my lunch, you troll!

What did you say?

Come on. Come on.

Ugh!

You should, like, come hang out with us sometime, man.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Ladies and gentlemen,

If I could please have your attention.

Up here.

Hey, I'm Montez's real doctor. I swear to God.

I've seen his penis,

and I've stuck this finger up his heinie.

One question... Why would Montez Walker need

to eat healthy when a Google search showed

Montez Walker having zero healthy problems?

Sounds to me like he's a healthy liar.

Jillian Belk is a real cool chica,

And I vibe with her.

Oh, I'm a doctor, and I-I'm a real doctor,

And I approve of that.

And I approve of that.

I'm Jillian Belk, and I'll shop for you.

- That's my slogan. - She made it up herself.

Let's show some respect. Wayman!

Clap. There we go.

Hi, I'm Bill, and I'll be your moderator for this afternoon's debate.

First question is for Mr. Walker.

Mr. Walker, what would be your first act as break-room manager?

Thank you, Bill.

Uh, I'm gonna give the people what they need...

Healthy, organic snacks.

Interesting, because what we need is someone

who will shop for what we want.

Amen.

Don't you know people need to be told what they want,

'cause it's actually what they need?

Where'd you learn that...

From your wife that has you on that diet?

Damn!

I don't want to be on his wife's diet. Do you?

- No, I don't. - No.

Don't you think I want my Bugles

And my famous amoses and all that stuff there?

I'll shop for you.

You better back up, woman, or this health kick

gonna turn into a karate kick. I got a beige belt!

- It's a beige belt. - I hate you.

...him up.

Shut up.

You're really... You're trippin' right now.

I mean, nah. I mean, I like being healthy.

I feel good.

Don't y'all want to feel good too?

- No. - I will shop for you.

You know? I mean, it's called "junk food" for a reason.

You know, that's why she get all loud and physical.

- I'll shop for you. - I love Colleen...

But I can't... I can't do this no more.

I don't want to eat like this!

You don't have to. I'll shop for you.

- No more kale. - I will shop for you.

I'm tired of this shrubbery. I'm not a rabbit, Jillian!

I will shop for you! No more quinoa.

...quinoa, Jillian!

I want some Bugles! I want some corn nuts!

I need some corn nuts, Jillian.

I will get you Bugles,

And I will get you corn nuts...

Because I will shop for you.

I will shop for all of you!

- Yeah. - I will shop for you.

- Yeah. - I will shop for all of you.

She will shop for you!

- We're voting for Jillian. - Yes! I won.

We told Jillian to get that giant popcorn tin

From Costco, right?

Karl said he wanted it for Saturday.

We did, but now that I'm thinking about it,

I think I forgot to tell her to get Kirkland jeans.

- I told her. - Nice.

I told her to get Kirkland polos and leather sandals.

Dude, three dudes in matching Kirkland 'fits?

- More like "twirkland," right? - Yeah.

Girls are gonna be slobbin' on our knobs like corn on our penises!

What the hell?

What?

What's the matter, boys? Pussies got your snacks?

- Snatch? What? - What?

As break-room manager, I put all snacks

under strict lock and key.

You want a can of soda pop?

You got to go through me.

You want T.P. To wipe your little butt-butts?

Let's chat. Seriously, let's chat, Blake.

Hey, what is this... some kind of sick joke?

Oh, my Gosh, are those Kirkland jeans?

Oh, these? Yeah, they are Kirkland.

And I'm looking like a boss, though, in head-to-toe Costco.

They look good.

You know, boys, when I went on my listening tour,

the number-one complaint was that people were stealing supplies.

So I installed this high-tech security system.

You see that?

I'm pissed now!

You t-take the snacks out of this contraption

that you've locked 'em up in immediately!

And that is an order, starting now. Go!

I don't just shop for you, all right?

- I shop for everyone! - Give me those jeans!

- No. Get off. - Get the jeans.

- Take her jeans. - Blake, stop it!

- Stop! - Ow, your keys hit me.

The jig is up!

And if you guys get hungry,

You can snack on these.

- Oh... - Satisfy your appetite.

Are those your titties?

Did she just pull her titties out?

No snacks, no party, no star-fuggers.

That means no place to put our boners,

Except in our hands. Again.

It's not as fun. I've got callouses from working out.

I don't know. Maybe we should just get our snacks at 7-eleven.

- That's what we always do. - What?

7-eleven doesn't have party tins full of popcorn, okay?

That's what Karl asked for.

All I'm saying is we are supposed to be living

- that crazy Costco life. - I know.

I don't know if I've ever told you guys this story,

But I snuck into a Costco when I was a kid.

- Yeah, we've heard that story. - Yeah.

It was the most magnificent experience of my life.

There was giant trampolines hanging from the ceiling.

Like, shampoo bottles that are, like...

The size of my massive thighs.

I only got, like, 15 feet in,

then I was tackled by security.

But it was...

It was, honestly, the best 40 seconds of my life.

- Yeah. - We've heard this story.

Well, then why didn't you stop me?

I didn't stop you because I like the story,

and it got me jacked up about some Kirkland jeans

that I want, man.

That's part of the story!

The wide legs, the thick denim.

- The elastic waistbands. - Mm-hmm.

'cause you're gonna want to have a few snacks

while you're there.

And if you get 'em without the pockets on the back, no snaggin'.

That's... Those are women's jeans. Yeah.

Well, they just sit better on my hips.

You do have a very womanly figure.

- I have what I have. - You also have tits.

- Nice skin. - You know, quite frankly...

I'm willing to march into Alice's office right now,

and say...

"I quit." right?

"I'm gonna go be a Costco security guard."

I might just use my regular voice, though.

- I don't know. - Or...

We steal the snacks from the break room.

Ocean's Eleven and Thirteen this bitch.

...Ocean's Twelve!

- Yeah. - Total misfire.

All right, last one, Waymond. Put your hand out.

No one likes a gummi slut. Get out of here.

Hey, Jillian.

Could I please get four low-sodium string cheeses?

Well, you've already hit your snack limit for the day.

Now hit the road.

Jillian, I don't think you understand.

I'm, like, the biggest dude in this office.

Okay, well, my best offer is seven grapes.

- Hey, Jillian. - Hmm?

...yo' grapes!

I'm just trying to make sure we've got all our ducks in a row here,

uh, you know, because basically, the way I'm looking at it...

Yeah. No, I know.

But trust me, the deal is almost done.

Hey, Jillian, um, do you have the keys to the storage closet?

What for?

I just need to vacuum something.

Uh, what something?

Um, well, it's just that, uh...

I wanted to shave my nipples.

But they're, like, kind of hairy,

So I don't want to get hair everywhere.

A little privacy, buddy!

I'm obviously masturbating right now. It hurts.

Feels like razor blades are coming out the tip.

Just kidding. I'm pooping here!

Oh! Whoo! What did I eat, rocks?

Alice.

Oh, I've got some... pretty gross news.

I, on accident, dropped an atom bomb in the bathroom,

and the toilet was destroyed, so that is on me.

And I know a plumber who's gonna take care of it.

And you look awesome today, by the way.

Okay, everyone outside.

Go!

Gil, got some RC Ten in the fridge for you.

False alarm. False alarm.

Someone pulled the fire alarm.

Where are the boys?

You're busted, busters!

What?

Whoo! I got you. I got you so good.

- Yes! - All right, just...

Please don't tell Alice about this.

You got us. Good one, Jillian.

No, no, no.

No, this is too easy.

You guys are smarter than this.

You wanted me to catch you here.

Um, what are you talking about?

Earlier today, I noticed you guys were acting

a little strange.

And when adam confronted me in the break room...

...yo' grapes!

I could tell you were getting desperate for snacks,

which is probably when Ders put the plan into action.

The deal's almost done.

Jillian's dumb ass is never gonna know what hit her.

And I got to tell you, lame attempt

at distracting me, Blake.

I've seen way hairier nipples.

But you did get the vacuum.

That was the first slipup.

My second mistake was thinking that Adam

had clogged the toilet with an empty-stomach dump.

Hey, I'm pooping here!

- Not. - Not, indeed.

I'm guessing you shoved your undershirt

down the pipe to clog it.

But Alice bought the whole chicken and poodle, didn't she?

But I'm gonna hire a plumber, get it fixed.

Which brings us to your plumber friend, Karl.

Then that Karl guy must have gone into the vents,

cut holes behind every cabinet,

sucked the snacks out using Blake's shop-vac,

And then taped up the back of the bags

So they looked untouched.

Which means that these...

These chips in here...

Are all empty.

So the only thing I'm left wondering is,

How the hell do you plan on sneaking the snacks

out of this building?

All right, guys, I'm all done, so I'm gonna head out.

I'll see you at my party. Later.

Hey, get over here!

Man in gray, get back here!

Aah!

Oh, my God! Oh. Oh!

Get over here! Oh! Ow!

You made my discman skip!

So we should just steal these snacks, right?

- Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Cool.

- All right. - That worked out.

Here you go.

That was an incredible plan that she had.

Yeah, way more Ocean's Eleven and Thirteen than ours.

- Yeah. - But quite frankly, guys,

I think our idea of pulling the fire alarm,

smashing the locks, and grabbing all the snacks...

- Not a bad plan. - It was gonna work.

I love you, dudes,

All right, we got snacks.

I want my snacks. I want my... Crap!

Crap?

Crap!

Busted, busters!

Come on.

...Jillian...

Where are my clif bars?

The shop-vac, the toilet...

They cut holes behind every cabinet.

I asked you for one thing. One thing!

God, I swear, you are, like, mentally ill or something.

Give me my Costco card.

Okay.

You need to see a shrink, 'cause you suck at life.

You suck at life.

Hey, get away. Are you a star?

I didn't think so.

Who would you rather have? Who would you rather have?

Okay, well, she just moved your hand.

She just moved your hand.

Oh, oh, oh. Take it back. Check it out.

- Ursula! Hey! - What the hell? God!

Oh, whoa, man.

What are you doing with your nose in my wife's... ?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

That's bull...

No, she loves me, man. She loves me!

Loves you? Here we go, here we go.

Here comes the boom.

- You son of a... ! - Oh!

My God, man. That was awesome.

Yeah, but me and that dude are cool now.

He's, like, one of my really good friends.

He works at the Waterworld show at Universal Studios.

He can get us in for free.

Nice!

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