Original subtitles

Oh.

- What the "fug"? - Hey.

What's up? [Car doors open, close]

- What the hell is that? - Yeah.

This is art, dude. Duh.

Okay, you see the Wall Street dude

with the sign on him that says, "Wall Street dudes suck?"

He represents Wall Street dudes sucking.

Why is he sucking in our yard, though?

Oh, Blake said we could.

Yeah, I thought you said you were making a tree house,

but this is... this is cool.

That would've been cool.

Karl, we're gonna head inside and gear up for a bout-it-ass club opening

that we're going to.

And by the time we come out here looking fresh to death,

I want all of this art taken down.

You don't take art down. Art takes you down.

That's right.

I don't understand a word he said.

I thought you said they'd get it.

They do, sir. They absolutely get it.

Listen, please don't embarrass me in front of Shame, okay.

He let me into his street-art collective,

and I'm happy for the first time since I bowled my 300.

I'm not wearing the ring right now, but I bowled it.

Ask anybody at The Alley.

Will you help me take this down?

I'm about to get savage.

I would love to destroy this. I hate this kid.

I don't know why, but I fucking hate you, dude.

Screw with my art, see what happens.

- What did he say? - Uh-oh.

Okay, you comin' at me?

I will come at you.

Man versus child, here we go.

- Okay. - All: Oh!

Whoo, that's kind of cool.

Yeah, you know, we dipped it in gasoline,

'cause big oil and, like, the way that they drill

and they're just, they got to...

- Oh! - Oh, jeez!

That's dangerous.

Oh... a burning cross on my lawn.

I'm not a KKK guy, but that looks magnificent.

[Hip-hop music]

I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta, you gotta

You gotta be fresh

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What are we thinking? We thinking three buttons or more?

Mm, I would say four or none at all.

Good call, none at all.

Beez, let's do this.

I've got it.

I've got our million-dollar idea.

- All right. - Mm.

What does every U.S. citizen hate?

- Peppermint patties. - I like those.

No, no, no.

They hate seeing the flag get burned. Yeah!

So I invented the unburnable American flag.

Boom! Blake.

It doesn't burn. I tried it out.

Are you kidding me?

- That's a horrible idea, dude. - That's a bad one. It's bad.

Patrick Farnan's not gonna want to invest in that idea, all right?

This is the guy who sold his tanning company

for 6 million bucks.

Yeah, and he buys people's awesome ideas,

and then he transforms those idea people

into super-rich dudes with super-hard hair.

Hence the hair.

We're talking about Patrick Fartman.

That dude was, like, a total wankster in college.

Do wanksters open their own nightclubs?

- They don't. - They don't, all right?

So please get dressed.

We're verging on... on fashionably late.

Okay, I am dressed.

I'm not the one with my tits hanging out.

That's stupid, dude.

I have so many more better ideas than you do,

right now in the old noggin,

uh, soap on a chain.

- Boom. - All-M&M trail mix.

Bam.

A shirt that doubles as a cool hat.

We can call it a "shat."

- Do you see how easy this is for us. - That's a good idea.

It's crazy.

- That's a really good idea. - Wow!

Oh, damn!

I ain't seen these nizzles since college.

What's Gucci, my nizzles?

- It's... our lives are so Gucci. - Yeah.

It's cool. It's cool. Pleasure to see you.

What's up? Long time, no smell, Fartman.

Ha ha! You know what?

Actually, nobody calls me Fartman anymore.

My name's Patrick.

But, my nizzles, y'all can call me "Trick."

- Hey, Trick. - Trick daddy.

Hey, bro.

What's that behind your ear?

- Nothing. - Whoop.

That's tanfastic... my self-tanning cream.

- All: Whoa! - How'd you do that?

Cool. Thank you.

- Yeah, you got it. - Appreciate it.

Dare I say it smells tan-amazing.

All right, so, uh, where's the bar?

Ha ha! Same old Blake.

Bar's right in here.

But, actually, this is gonna be a little bit of a problem.

Mostly it's the shorts and the tank top,

and also the hair, I would say, is an issue.

Oh, of course. I know, man.

It's got a mind of its own. Look out! It's attacking!

It's attacking everybody! Run! Run!

Okay, chill. [Chuckles] Look, I get it, man.

I'm punk rock too, dude.

- I own every Good Charlotte CD. - So do I.

You know, but this place here, this is for grown-ups.

So if you're gonna come in, I'm gonna need you to be grown,

my nizzle.

Yeah. Uh, you know what?

I'm just gonna catch you later, okay, Fartman?

Hey guys, go on in without me, okay?

Get a blow job for me, a shot.

Not the actu... well, actually,

just get a blow job any way you can.

Excuse me. Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- What? - Hey, dude.

Just go to the car and put on the clothes that I brought for you.

And harden your hair, for Christ's sake.

- You look like an idiot. - Guys, I'm good, all right?

I'll just go hang out with Karl. Seriously, stay here.

Get those blow jobs...

anyway you can get 'em, man.

Karl. Hey, I found you.

Hey, Belize, what's up?

What are you doing? This looks cool.

Aw, you know, just tagging this yoga studio,

teaching 'em to stretch something important...

their minds.

I thought you guys were going after, like, business dudes and banks and stuff.

We already fought the banks.

Okay, but this so-called yoga studio

has taken an ancient Indian art form

and mutated it into [Bleep] jazzercise

for rich moms and homosexuals.

I couldn't understand a word he was saying.

What's up with you anyway? You look pained.

Talk to me.

Well, a couple of my friends ditched me tonight

to hang out with this big boss man, you know.

Guy was acting like the second coming of Master P, you know?

You heard me? [Laughs]

He was a jerk.

Looks like a California raisin.

Do you like living in that cave of yours?

How about you come out of the cave into the light?

Preach.

Aka reality, aka consciousness.

Mm-hmm.

You should come hang with us tonight.

Yeah, man. You should come hang with us.

Did I say you could stop painting, bitch?

No, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I am your bitch, sir.

[Hip-hop music]

So we ended up in Malaysia, right.

And each one of us got four prostitutes!

Four hookers!

We were straight lording.

That's cool. That sounds fun. That sounds fun.

Adam and I have some pretty lord-worthy ideas

that we've been tossing around.

And if you're interested, we'll toss em to you.

We'll throw 'em at you. We'll toss 'em your way.

I'm interested in blowing it up.

Y'all lords interested in blowing it up?

- Do we like blowing it up? - Check this out.

[Both imitating explosion]

My face is melting off!

My clothes ripped off! My clothes ripped off!

- I've been grenaded! - Now I'm naked!

[Snorts] Whoo!

"Good snorting, Vietnam!" [Laughs]

- We are lording. - Yes, we are.

Who wants some?

Well, if I've learned anything from the movies I've seen,

blow is a delicious treat that should be consumed a bunch.

- Okay, cool. Well, have at it. - Okay, yeah.

We'll, uh... we'll do, like, a little bit, you know.

We'll ride a rail...

not, like, a full-blown engine train,

but, like, maybe one of those little cartoon ones,

like in Chip 'N Dale. - Or we do a ton.

Screw it, right? You only yolo once.

Line me up, my nizzle!

[Laughs]

We're gonna do cocaine!

We're gonna do cocaine.

[Clears throat]

You guys got your cargo pants on?

Uh, yep, got the pants on.

Looking good.

But what exactly is the plan?

See that?

The man doesn't want you to have that.

So we're taking back what's ours, man.

Salad belongs to people, all people.

Very good, Karl.

Very good.

[Whispering indistinctly]

- Grab some. - Guys, go, go, come on.

Hey, now, remember, no potato salad this time.

It's not a pocket food.

Yeah, copy you. I get it.

Thousand island, fill it up.

Yeah, you got it, man.

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Shame, Shame, Shame, Shame, we got to boogie.

- I think we're caught, man. - Okay, okay, wait. Just calm down, okay.

Don't be a girl.

Do you know if this is imitation crab?

Oh! That was close, man.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, stop!

They got salad in their pants.

- They're stealing salad again. - [Bleep].

- All: Go, go, go! - Come on, guys!

- Ugh! - Get back here!

Oh!

Oh, no, no! He's hurt!

I've never seen an old dude cry before.

That turd is the enemy!

Let's get out of here! Come on!

Cave dwellers! We are the 100%!

Let's go!

[sniffs, trills tongue]

[Gags] [All snorting]

- Oh! - Oh-ho-ho!

So this dude comes up to me with this stupid idea, right?

Mint flavored condoms... "condomints."

So I'm like, "yeah, man, let's manufacture that."

Two months later, we're making four mil dollars, netted, right?

How lord is that?

- Oh, lord have mercy. - That's so Lord of the Rings.

Lord of the Flies. Lord of... yeah.

We got some, uh, stupid ideas.

We could throw 'em at you if you want.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead and hit me with 'em, right?

Make sure it's a big, fat moneymaker, okay?

'Cause... make it like a big, juicy grape.

'Cause I f-ing love grapes.

Grapes, we love grapes.

We got red ones, green ones.

- We got seedless. - Hey, we're grapenuts.

We're grape-nuts!

Okay, seriously,

here's an idea, a big, juicy grape idea.

A hot dog bun

in the shape of one of those rubber armpits

from crutches, right?

Traps all the condiments. That's a juicy grape, right?

That's not a grape. That is a raisin.

Massages, right? Massages.

- You love a massage, right? - Right.

What you can't get is a back scratch.

And we all love a back scratch!

Oh, that feels so good!

- Still a raisin. - Uh, frontpack!

It's a... backpack for your front.

Raisin.

Chapstick, for straight men, though.

A whole big box of raisins, boys.

It's been nice face-timing, but I got to go.

This thai chick says she wants to suck on my ass.

That sounds awesome. That sounds really good.

- Yeah, do something. - Uh...

What about an unburnable American flag?

What?

Now, that's...

that's a grape.

- Mmm. Mmm. - Oh, yeah.

This is the best salad I've ever had, man.

Shame, Homey,

you have got to try some of these garbanzos.

They are the truth.

Never touch me!

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

I'm also very sorry about the potato salad.

I look forward to giving you a private apology,

but, please, right now consider this my public apology.

Is it accepted, sir?

Negative. Okay?

We need to plan our next move.

Fruit and salad was just the first course, okay?

Now we need to pick our victims for operation chaos.

I don't know what that is, but I'm in, Shame.

We've been saving our pee-pee in jars for quite some time now.

We're just waiting for the right target to strike, baby.

It's gonna be sweet.

Dude, what about that club I was at tonight... La Vida?

That place is full of rich, stupid wanksters.

That's perfect.

Okay, we tap into the building's water line and we set off the fire alarm.

We turn those sprinklers into tinklers.

[Laughs] Get it?

Why can't you be more like him?

He's been here for one day, and he came up with that.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I will try harder.

Also, please let me know when a good time would be for my private apology.

I still would like to give that to you.

Blake! Oh, my God, dude!

We had such a good night, man. We lorded so hard.

Lord force one is landing.

Very cool, man.

Yeah, dude, I had a ton of fun tonight too.

I went out with the street-art collective,

and, dude, we looted this grocery store.

We totally jacked up this old security guard.

We had fun too. We did a bunch of cocaine.

And then I think we sold an idea to trick.

Yes, we did!

And he gave us a little doggie bag.

A little ba-ba-ba-ba...

Hey, where's the unburnable flag?

- Right? - We need it.

Trick says it's, like, a big, juicy grape.

- Yeah. - Wait. You pitched my idea?

No, we pitched him our idea.

You may have had the initial thought, but we fleshed it out and made it sexy.

We made it hip. We made it cool.

We made it fun. We made it different. We made it bounce.

Now we're gonna be lords, living in condos.

Money's gonna be working for us,

we're not gonna be working for money. Where's the flag?

No, no, no, no, no. That flag is for the people.

It's not to be commercialized.

Look, I don't know if you guys can tell,

but I'm kind of a hairy artist, all right?

I'm not a bald sellout.

Okay, so are the shots fired? Am I balding?

- No. - Is there a spot?

- Look, there's no spot. - Do you see the spot?

Blake, would you just stop playing Assassin's Creed III for one second

and tell us where the flag is?

Or...

[Razor buzzes]

- I'm gonna cut your hair off. - Hey, don't joke about that, all right?

We're not joking. We're being real right now.

I was playing... that's it.

I'm going in my room. You guys are acting stupid.

- No, you're not. - Yes, I am!

[Overlapping shouting]

[Razor buzzing]

This isn't you, Ders, all right?

It's the cocaine.

- It doesn't have to be this way! - No! No! Come on, man!

I look so stupid without it!

- No! - Bye bye, goldilocks!

[Both laugh] Ah!

Take your hands off his hair!

[Buzzing stops] Or what?

I'm gonna cross every autograph off

of your prized swim ball, Ders,

starting with Allison Schmitt.

Who's Allison Schmitt? What?

She was, like, a huge olympic swimmer, the last one.

I saw the entire women's team at a Perkins,

and all I had was a B-ball for them to sign.

Guys, shut up!

Okay, cross that off, Karl.

With pleasure, sir.

All right, all right!

- Don't do it, man, please. - He's with us now.

- Ow. - Thanks, bro.

Thanks, Shame, I really appreciate it.

Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.

- He's with us. - Fine!

We can make our own American unburnable flag

that's also an American one.

All right, this ought to make it fireproof.

- Mm-hmm. - Give her a shot.

- Oh, yep. - On our way to millions, buddy.

[Stove clicks]

Nope. Why is that happening?

- It didn't work, did it? - Yeah, should not have happened.

- Why is it so hard? - Because I'm exhausted.

We were out all night,

and now this morning my brain's broken.

Well, you know what helps with that?

[Snorts]

I got it.

We need bigger flags.

Whoo! Oh yeah!

Okay, all we got to do is lace this sucker with some borax.

Wet, wet, wet...

- It isn't gonna burn, man. - You ain't gonna burn.

- Okay! All right! - Whoa!

[Screaming]

[Snorting]

Oh!

Yeah, baby! Yeah, mama!

Oh, that's not burning.

Here we go. It really caught.

- Wow! - Jesus!

[Snorts]

[Screams]

- You know what? - What?

- We're not thinking good. - I know.

- Right? - You know what helps us think good?

- No. - Both: Cocaine, yeah.

Oh! I feel smarter, dude.

- That was a good idea. - That was a smart idea.

- Your nose is bleeding. - Is it?

- It's coming down out of there. - Wow.

- Yours is too! - No, it isn't.

- Oh, my God, it is. It is. - Yours is bleeding.

What are you doing? [Screams]

This might be the special ingredient...

a little blood of the patriots.

- Are you kidding me? - What a smart idea.

Patriots blood on this.

- Whoa! - It's not gonna burn.

Both: It's burning!

- It's burning more than ever. - Why are you burning?

Come on!

Wow, okay, that didn't work.

That did not work at all.

What's up? Hey, bro!

Black people of all shapes and ages love to be called "bro."

- Don't they? - Yeah, they do.

Okay, I don't feel we need the flag,

because our theme song is "fugging" incredible, okay?

Let's practice. One, two, three, four...

Both: * unburnable flag *

Hates fire, loves America

Unburnable flag

Fire is so scared of this particular flag

Unburnable...

Hey, nizzles be tanned.

- We are, yes. - It's tan-amazing.

Tanfastic. Shoot.

Hey, y'all ready to do this wang?

- Totally, totally ready. - Yes, uh-huh.

Um, but the thing about the prototype for the flag...

it so happens that it's, um...

Right here.

Right here.

[Sighs]

Phase one of operation chaos is complete.

Blake's inside with the kerosene flag.

Is the piss ready?

Yeah.

- Damn. - Ha ha.

You guys need to drink more water.

Why? Teriyaki sauce rules, brah.

What did you just say to me?

Nothing, sir. I'm... I'm so sorry.

[Dance music]

Arf.

Hold up a second. All right.

That's my boy, Armand, right there.

He's got for-real cheddar. He's gonna be perfect for this, okay?

Cool, cool. Thanks, man.

[Laughs]

This is great.

Blake, you know we're sorry about the other night, right?

I mean, we respect your hair, totally.

I love it. It's good. It's a good look.

- It was the cocaine talking. - Totally, man.

And I get why you guys like this place, man.

There's a lot of things with boobs in this place.

- Thank you. - Right?

Guys!

Hey, it's go time, bro-times.

We got some real sharks on the line.

- Let's go. - Okay.

- Cool. - Uh, actually, hey, hey, hey.

Uh, could you hold on to this?

I got to go use the boys' room.

Uh...

- Hey. - Gentlemen, hi.

I'm Anders Holmvik.

- I'm, uh... I'm... I'm Adam. - You're ruining...

this is Adam Demamp, my esteemed colleague.

Hey, who here is American?

Just one. You guys are from a foreign land?

That's cool.

Do they have flags in your countries?

[Cell phone buzzes]

Yeah, yeah, hello?

- Is step two complete? - Uh, yes.

I am looking at the switch now.

But, um, are we sure we want to do this?

Are we sure we want to hold up a mirror to society

and piss on that mirror?

- I am! - I know. I know.

It's just that, that urine was, like, sunchip yellow, man.

And some of these people in here are my friends.

They're not your friends, okay?

They're small-minded cave dwellers

that need to be sledgehammered in the face with reality.

- Do it, or I will! - Yes, sir!

Come on, baby boy. You got this.

- [Beatboxing] - * Fire is tyranny *

The flag's made of freedom

You can't burn the freedom

Unburnable flag

Yeah, boy.

Music, that's, like, an international language, right?

I feel like we can all get on board with that.

You guys have music where you're from, huh?

You two quit stalling, all right?

You're embarrassing me in front of Armand.

Now just do the demonstration.

Look, we want to the demo, it's just,

when they see how burnable this flag isn't,

they're gonna have a lot of "Q"s.

Blake's kind of our Bill Nye, the science dude.

So he'll know all the ins and the outs, science-wise.

Fine. Okay, you have one minute to get him out here now,

or else I'm cutting you both out of the deal completely.

Okay, but we're partners, so you can't.

Oh, are we really? 'Cause the way I see it is

you need me way more than I need you

or that idiot Blake.

Don't forget that, ever.

- Hey. - What's up?

Uh, how'd the presentation go? Did you do it?

No, we, uh... we were waiting for you,

and then Trick turned into a total wankster...

and we left.

I mean, we knew he could be a wankster to other people,

but I didn't know he could be such a wankster to us,

which makes a huge difference to me.

Dude, absolute...

Shame turned out to be a wankster too.

Wanksters like that just piss me off.

Yeah.

What if I told you there was a way to piss them on...

Them?

Piss on them.

[Clears throat] Have at it.

Whoa, where's your buddy?

He's not coming.

And neither are we, because we're out.

Well, whatever.

More cheddar for me.

Shame, I'm done.

Do your own dirty work.

Benjabong, Chargonius, Karl,

let's go find that switch.

Congrats on taking the blue pill.

I can't understand anything that dude says.

Hey, wait, wait, wait...

Hold up, man.

Whatever, man.

What is going on, man?

I feel like there's some secrets.

Karl, I'll tell you everything later, all right?

Right now I need you to make sure

that there is pee-pee pumping through that pump,

because I done did the dirty deed.

Oh, it's pumping.

As you can see,

it will not catch on fi...

okay, all right, it's gonna go right out.

Don't worry about it.

This is gonna be an unburnable flag any moment now.

- We're doing good. - [Alarm blaring]

[All screaming]

[Alarm blaring]

Oh, no!

Tinklers!

Come on, come on!

[Screaming continues]

No!

Good to have you back, buddy.

Oh, good to have you guys back.

The bullshit boys, back in "snaction."

No, no, no, you're back with us,

the O.G. Screw Crew.

Bash Bros, that's what I call us.

Yo, guys, whatever we call ourselves, man, it's great to be back.

[Laughs]

No, Karl, you're never back.

It's the tri-guys, so...

- Tri-guys. - Sorry, dude.

The main thing is,

we are not doing cocaine anymore...

unless we can find anyone who has any!

I could make a call right now.

- Really? Nice! - Oh, yeah,

nice!

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