Original subtitles

- Satan's power is fierce,

but nothing's more powerful than the Lord's Force!

Wolf!

David!

Gibraltar!

Samson'.!

Ram!

For more information on the Lord's Force,

visit our website and follow us on Twitter.

And hey, God bless. Have a great day.

- Uh-huh. - Oh, my gosh.

How did these buff dudes escape my radar?

I thought I knew about every single buff dude.

- No, Samson?

With those bats, like, "clock, clock, clock, clock, clock."

- No, no, no. Ram.

With the phone books. Ripping phone books.

That's the ultimate move for buff-assness.

- Dude, when did you say they're coming to town?

We have to see these buff-ass dudes.

- Tomorrow.

And we are going.

And then after we watch the show,

I'm gonna try out for the Force.

- All right, but you know those guys are, like,

Chris Tucker religulous, though, right?

- Yeah, no, I'm very religulous.

You know, Father, Son, Holy-what have you.

Noah's Art. Two animals going onto a ship to have sex.

Unconditional love for Jesus Christ.

Do you guys wanna watch a video

of a dude blowing his brains out?

- Uh, I do, and I don't.

- Well, we are going to.

- Annie, this is for you and the kids.

There's no other way.

[deep inhale]

[gunshot]

- Let's just, uh,

put on some twerk videos or something, right?

- Yeah, twerk, for sure. - Yeah. All right.

[beatboxing]

$5'

- I'm fresh

- You gotta, you gotta, you gotta

- You gotta be fresh

[metal music]

- Brat-dogs.

[barking]

- Whoo! Brat me, braj! - Mm.

Comm' right up, my brat braxa.

j Mm'. _ !

- Hey, tickets!

Who's got some tickets?

I'll trade you a beer and a brat for a ticket.

- Man, I cannot even believe-

the one time I wanna go to church, and I can't get in.

- God, we gotta get in there.

I do not wanna miss them lift that 1,000-pound cross.

For real.

What are we gonna do?

- We just gotta ask ourselves, W.W.J.Z. do?

- What would- what would Jay-Z do?

- Yeah. - He'd probably rap about it.

- He'd rap about it, and he'd rap about it

And then he'd pass the mic to Blake

- Nah, nah, I don't want the mic, give it to Adam

- I don't need- I don't want the mic either

So I'll pass it back to Ders

- It's back to me

I don't mind that 'cause I'm a R-A-P

P-E-R, where's my car?

I mean my whip, guys, where's my whip, guys?

- Rappin', stoppin', I don't want the mic, Blake

- I don't want it.

- There you go. - Thank you so much.

- Yeah, we just left our stub. Went to get-

- Oh, whoa. No, no, no. Sorry, friends.

You need tickets to get in here.

- No, they said we actually didn't need

to bring our stubs out here, we left 'em in there.

Hate carrying too many stubs around.

- Oh, well, I hate it when jokesters

try to pull a fast one on me,

so why don't you guys go and, uh, get out of the line, please?

Thank you very much. - Okay. All right.

You know what? We'll come clean.

We never bought tickets. We're lying to you,

which proves we need to get in there and see the Lord's Force,

so we can become better people

and not liar people.

- We gotta be saved. We're bad people.

I mean, I used to make my, uh,

G.l. Joes have huge orgies with my neighbors Barbies.

- Yeah, and when I was a kid, I always tried

to make my dog have sex with my cat

'cause I wanted a cat-dog.

Turns out their dicks don't fit into cats,

and the cat limps now. - Yeah.

When I go to Subway, I ask for a water glass,

and I always fill it with Fresca

because I'm a monster, sir.

- Okay, guys, you're not gonna get in.

Now, there's an 8:00 A.M. service here in the morning.

You guys come back, you get your church in that way, all right?

Now, please get outta the line.

- No, I don't wanna see some stupid preacher

talk about stupid church stuff.

I wanna see two big-ass dudes liftin' a big ol' cross

over their big ol' head! - Mm-hmm.

- Hew Now, I'm gonna call security.

Now, get outta here! - Oh.

- All right. - Jesus.

- You know what?

Someday I'm gonna be on the Lord's Force,

and then you'll feel like a stupid idiot

for not letting me in! - Heck yeah.

- Phone book. Rip! - Show 'im.

- Just like the Lord's Force! - Show him.

Just like the Lord's Force!

Whatever. You see how far I threw that?

- Uh-huh.

- Got muscles.

- Hew

- Oh, that's very- that's actually pretty good,

but you know what?

In all seriousness, suck on my dick, dude!

And I said, "No, man, you drive a garbage truck"

And then I pass the mic to Adam

- And then I take the mic, and I don't know what to do

So I pass the mic to Blake

- I don't want the-

Oh, there they are! There they are! They're here!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh! Oh! Watch it!

- Get outta the way! Get outta the way!

- Hey - What's up?

- How you guys doing? - Good.

- [screeching]

- Okay, I'm sorry, they're- they're a little starstruck.

I don't get starstruck.

I saw Tony Shalhoub at the airport one time.

Didn't even mention Monk.

Just winked.

- Ah, cool. Uh, did you guys enjoy the show?

- No, 'cause we didn't even see it.

Somebody didn't know we had to get tickets.

Argh! You should just shoot yourself in the head

and put it on YouTube!

- Oh, that's too bad. Well, it was nice meeting you guys.

- Yeah. Stay strong, use His power.

- Wait, hang on.

Um, we're gonna go out for a beer.

Do you guys want beers? We'll buy you beers.

- I could go for one. It's been a while.

- You know that's not a good idea.

Hey, thanks a lot, guys.

- Wait. Uh-

- No. Hey! - Adam-

- no, please! Please let us buy you beer, please!

You guys are my heroes!

- Easy there, tiger. Back in your cage.

- [chuckles] - [stammering]-buy you a beer?

- One beer.

- Yeah! One beer! - Yes!

- So there I was.

600 pounds across my back in front of 10,000 people...

when I hear the voices of 10,000 angels.

- Only it wasn't the voice of angels.

- Nah, it was blood shootin' outta my ears.

I blew my eardrums out.

[laughter] - Oh, my God.

Can you hear this? Can you hear this right now?

- Anyway, hey, this was fun, but we should probably head back.

- What? No, come on. - No, no, no, no.

- We'll get you another round.

- We just got here. We haven't even taken shots yet.

- Yup. - Yup. You're doing shots.

- Shots? - You're doing a shot.

All: Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot...

- Everybody!

- Shot, shot, shots. - Oh, the ladies.

- Here we go, here we go.

- I gotta tell you guys,

this is the most fun I've had in months.

- Most fun in my life.

- To new friends!

All: New friends!

- Whoa'.!

- Whoo! [laughs]

- Hey, now that we're best friends,

I was wondering if you guys would sign my phone books

and then rip 'em in half for me. - Sure.

- Let us go have a smoke real quick,

we'll be right back. - Yes. Thank you so much!

Thank you so much. You-you have no idea what this means to me.

- They're so cool. - Thank you!

- Dudes, we should go out there

and smoke a cigarette with the Lord's Force.

- Let's do it. - Yeah, we have to.

And cigarettes give you cancer, but I'm like, 'Worth it!"

- I've never even smoked a cigarette,

but here I am, sittin' here,

talkin' about going to smoke one with the Lord's Force!

- Yeah! The Lord's Force!

- Let's do this. - Let's go, let's go!

All right, who's ready to smoke?

- Where's he at? Where they at?

- Chill out.

- Holy smokes.

[beatboxing]

[beatboxing]

- Okay, this isn't a big deal.

I mean, they do this in the rap game all the time, right?

Lil Wayne kissed Birdman.

Just kissin' on his daddy. That's all he's doing.

- Tss, yeah.

Probably just checking each others breath,

making sure they're ready to kiss hot chicks.

- Yes. - You know?

- Sure.

- Hew

- Oh, God.

- Oh, it's that dude. - Didn't we talk about this?

What're you guys doing?

- Okay, it's not what you think.

- Oh, yeah? It's not what I think?

Well, then what is it?

- It's gay chicken.

You know, that- that's what we were doing.

Just, um, you know,

old-fashioned gay chicken.

- Gay chicken? That's what you're going with?

- Oh, what, you don't know about gay chicken?

That's where two totally straight guys

try and out-gay each other? It's like this, ready?

- Yeah, it's like a- - Oh!

- See? He just- - He lost.

- No, I think I won.

- Shut the heck up now!

Now, listen, it's Adam and Eve,

it's not Adam and Steve, you understand me?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't I ask God what he thinks I should do, huh?

I'll check in with Him.

Uh, oh, Lord...

yeah, uh, I got a problem d-

Why? 'Cause of the gay thing?

Come on. Really?

Okay, well, You're the boss.

Sorry, gays, you're off the Force.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the tour?

What about Tampa?

- No, this is it, okay?

Sodom, Gomorrah, sayonara.

Now, get your purses outta the van.

- But... - I knew this was a bad idea.

These guys made us do shots, and now my life is ruined.

Where am I gonna go? - Sorry.

Sorry about Tampa. - Dudes...

- Oh, man, I feel terrible.

Maybe we should let 'em crash at our pad.

We just made 'em lose their jobs.

- I am not going back to fucking Duluth to live with my stepmom.

I'm not. - No, you're not.

You guys are gonna stay with us for as long as you need.

Consider our casa our casa for you to crash at.

Like a La Quinta Inn.

- Oh, everybody get some rest?

Huh? Here, let me top you off. - Thanks.

- There you go. And for you. Right in there.

- Thank you guys for everything. - It's our pleasure.

We just wanna take care of our boys.

We're glad to have you here.

And since we do have you here,

uh, we thought we'd share an idea with you.

Kind of, um, well, a business proposition of sorts.

- Yeah.

- Hey, we're not gay.

I know what you saw, but, um, it wasn't real.

[laughter]

- No, you guys definitely aren't gay.

Nobody's saying you're gay. - No.

- Dudes with giant muscles are never gay.

- Yeah. Exactly.

- Okay, I'm sorry, but...

maybe I am gaY-

- What? No. [laughs]

All right, well, maybe you are, but I'm not.

[laughter] - He's not.

- No, you guys were just drunk, playing gay chicken.

Sometimes when I get drunk,

I go to Boston Market, I eat chicken.

We're like the same dudes.

- Yeah, you're drunk.

Weird things happen when you're drunk.

Last week, I got drunk, I ate the band off my wristwatch.

I thought it was beef jerky.

[laughter]

- I don't know, I'm just...

I'm just very confused about everything right now.

- Okay, look, you were drunk. You're sober now.

Why don't we get to the bottom of this?

Just kiss each other real quick, you know,

and then you'll probably hate it,

and we can get to this proposal, 'cause I got some ideas.

- There you go.

One time, little thing, you'll see it was just a fluke,

and we'll move on with the day. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, or you don't have to. Or you can just not do that.

- Drunk night.

- Totally straight. - Boom. Okay.

- That was a straight dude kiss. - Let's go.

Let's go eat some eggs or something.

- Yup, no feelings there.

No feelings there, right? - Good call, there.

Good-what are they- - Yeah, good-

- Wha-why? Why?

- Straight dudes kissin'. - Yeah.

- Ahh...

- What's going on over here?

- [groans]

[overlapping shouting]

My predator bong! - All right, that's it!

Break it up! Break it up! Right now! Okay.

- Jeez Louise! - And we are back.

Okay, so... - [clears throat]

- I'm just gonna move on, um, because I had a proposal

that I was going to give to you guys,

and here it is. - Yes.

- Let's start a new rival squad to the Lord's Force.

We can, uh, work out here,

we can even perform in the front yard...

Guys-okay. .. - Gentlemen?

- Why don't you guys just go think of a new name,

we'll be here brainstorming.

What the hell is going on?

[Let's Get It On playing]

$5'

- Come on, baby

$5'

Let's do it tonight

- Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Do you guys mind if I, uh...

- Come back later. - And I will.

- Come on, baby

- Oh, sorry, dude. Didn't know you were in here.

- No worries.

[laughs]

- You guys are showering together?

To conserve water. Pfft.

Yup. Very considerate.

[wheezes] What?

You guys have monster cocks.

Chicks must love sucking those.

Congratulations. That's awesome.

[rhythmic creaking]

[men moaning]

[groaning, straining]

- Yeah! - God, I'm gonna bust!

[beatboxing] - Kick it!

[beatboxing]

-

First of all, I just want to say

we are glad to have you here. It's been great.

- Yes, and we have noticed that you have gotten very...

c-comfortable, and we're actually comfortable

with your comfortableness.

- I'm so comfortable with you guys being here,

but be careful.

'Cause it sounds like you're injuring yourselves at night

when you're working out,

and nighttime's a very dangerous time to work out.

- Anyway, uh, given, you know,

the events of the last day or so,

we've revised the proposal that we had the other day

to something a little more apropos.

Adam.

We give you...

the Gaylord's Force! - Ha-ha?

The Gaylord's Force.

If you can take the pain of a man's unit

pressing into your ass,

you've got the strength to do anything.

- Is one slogan that we're toying with.

- You know, I actually haven't seen this tee shirt,

and I don't approve of it.

Okay? But I will be a junior member of the crew,

so I should probably audition for you right now.

Check this out.

Froot Loops everywhere! - Whoo!

- Yeah. And I'm gearing up for the real thing!

A freakin' phone boold Let's do this!

- Give it to 'em, Adam.

- I don't have my phone book here.

I'm so sorry. I don't have it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

- Hurry up. hU"Y UP-

- So, you see where we're going with this, right?

It's basically a powerful, healthy message

that being gay doesn't mean you're weak,

or, um... - Mmmm

- Okay, what're you doing?

- Are you having sex with each other?

- We're not having sex. We're just...

soaking. - [chuckles]

Yeah, but I think this soak

is about to turn into a power wash,

so if you boys wouldn't mind scooting along.

- Okay, you know what? - [clears throat]

- I don't mind having you here. Right?

I don't even mind all the suckin', and the screwin',

and the screamin' when you ejac.

But I need to know if you wanna be a part of this show or not.

'Cause if you do, I need you to pull out of his butt

and get to working! Do you get me?

- Okay, okay, relax. Sounds cool.

- We're interested.

- All right. - Yeah!

Oh, oh, hand cramp. Hand cramp. That hurts.

- [laughing] Oh, man.

This stage is about to be so gay.

- So gay. - So straight.

Could be. You know?

- What the heck do you want, breeder?

- Just bringin' my lost sheep back to the flock.

- Well, they're not interested, Rev.

- You mean they're not interested

in being living legends? Makin' 38 grand a year?

Living rent-free? Making some per diem as well?

- 38k? - Hey! Come on, let's go.

- All right, hey, guys, tell me you're not

going with him- you're ready to rehearse.

We got a stage. - You better hope

that there's rocks in those bags for training purposes,

'cause you're our friends. - Guys, listen.

Reverend Troy needs us back.

- You told that guy that you were gay dudes,

and he was cool with it.

- We're not like that.

It was just a phase. - Pssh.

- What'd I say?

These dudes aren't gay dudes, dudes.

They're straight dudes. - Wait-

- Dudes. - What?

I literally heard you guys eating fruit cocktail

out of each others butts.

- Get in the fuckin' van

or I'll have Jesus fuckin' Christ

cut your fuckin' balls off!

- Tell you what. You guys wanna see the show tonight?

I'll even put your name on the list.

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me, man.

- I will see you at that show!

- We had a business together, brah!

- Wait, is it under my name, or whose name is it under?

- It's a pl-plus- - It's a plus two?

- Is it "plus two," or is it all of us?

Or some of us plus one, or what?

- A separate thing?

- Is it each of our names individually,

or did you put us into a group?

[beatboxing] - Sup-sup-superman

[beatboxing]

- The bible says that Satan

wants to turn the world into darkness.

But the amazing thing is Jesus, by dying on the cross,

has shown us

we can take that darkness...

and we can turn it into light!

[metal music]

[cheers and applause]

We are the Lord's Force!

And we are going to murder the devil!

Can I hear ya?

[cheers and applause]

Comin' in at 5'7", weighing 270 pounds...

I don't think Goliath wants to mess with this guy.

I'm talkin' about

David!

[cheers and applause]

Ooh! [cheers and applause]

I know Noah had a couple of these.

Let's bring out The Wol?

[cheers and applause]

- Whoa'. Yeah'.!

Oh!

- Oh. yeah!

Now, last but not least,

I wanna bring out the twin towers of Babel.

I'm talkin' about Samson and Ram!

[cheers and applause]

- Here we go now.

- Yeah!

- Let's hear it for 'em.

- Oh! Oh! Samson just pointed at me. We know them!

- Now, let's watch these two warriors

lift this 1,000-pound cross

above their heads to the glory of God.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- [groans]

- Come on, guys. Come on.

Come on, guys, you can do it!

- [grunts]

- What's the matter, Ram suck the strength outta your cock?

Come on. - [groans]

- Don't listen to him, guys, you got this. Come on!

- Yeah, come on, come on. - That's all right, folks,

if they don't lift it above their heads,

you're getting a full refund, okay?

- They're gonna do it. - They'll get it.

Have some faith. - You got this.

- Come on! - [groans]

- I should never have asked you back, you pillow biters.

- Hew

Show 'em the Force.

The Gaylord's Force.

[both grunt] - Yeah!

- Yes! - They did it!

[cheers and applause]

- Aah!

- I know that you can find the way

You're beautiful to me

[applause stops]

- This is not the show! You stop that!

Get your tongue out of his mouth!

Sorry 'bout this, gang.

- You're beautiful to me

- Whoa'.!

- Yes! All right!

[excited chatter]

- Yeah!

- And we want to announce to everyone

that tomorrow morning, there will be the first-ever

Gaylord's Force at our house! Everyone's welcome.

They're our gay friends! - Whoo!

- Hey Man, where are they?

- Just talked to 'em. Guess what. They're not comin'.

- What? - Yeah.

Right now, they're in the car,

driving to Vermont to start a new life together.

They're gonna open up some kind of gluten-free cupcake place

called, "Cup Gaykes."

Genius name, I know.

- What are we gonna do?

[club dance music]

- Even a straight man,

who's had sex

with over five women, can channel...

the Gaylord's Force!

- Whoo! [cheers and applause]

- Whoo! - Whoo!

- Ow.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, that's hot.

That was hot.

I am Adam "Baby Bear� DeMamp!

I shall summon the power of all the Gaylords!

[cheers and applause]

[grunts]

Whoa'.!

Do somethin' different.

Oh, you wanna see me break a board over my own skull?

[thumps]

Fuck

- Ah... [chuckles]

How'd we do?

- Pretty good. Total ticket sales, 285 bucks.

- Oh' ' Ha!

But, uh, let me calculate something else.

We spent 50 bucks on glitter... - Okay, okay.

- 150 for chairs, and then, like, the stage stuff.

- Ah, that sucks.

- And then this is the killer.

$300 on the boas,

because they just had to be real ostrich feathers.

Both: Ram. - What a div a.

- Um, so, all that together,

we are in the hole for a little bit of money.

- All right. That's terrible.

- 703 pages...

of businesses and personal residents!

[audience chanting Baby Bear] Now, are you ready?

Oh, it's not pre-ripped! Not at all! Are you ready?

Gay...

Lord's...

Force!

[crowd cheering]

- Yes! Yes!

I will sign your dicks!

I will sign all of your dicks!

I don't give a fucld

Nice!

[snorting] [party horn blows]

- [yells] - Yeah!

- Yeah...!

- Ar gm!

Ow. Arg h!

Ow.

Ar gm!

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