Original subtitles

Alice, perfect.

You can time us. Yeah, here you go.

- Yes. - What is this?

Oh, Rancho Cucapizza

is having a little promotional eating contest,

and the winner gets... Read that bottom line there.

Read that.

Well, it said, uh, wins free pizza for a year!

Yeah, all we gotta do is eat a Humonga Cucamonga

in under 30 minutes.

See, they make the pizza so hot

that all the other dumb buffoons,

they'll just burn their pipes.

But we are no idiots.

Our mouths will already be burned.

- Yep, via spoons. - Mm-hmm.

We're gonna put these hot spoons

on our tongues.

- Yep. - We're gonna burn them

so that the pizza won't burn them.

Okay, Alice, start the clock.

- Yeah, start it. - We need you to time us.

Oh, she started, she started, start.

Oh, God! Oh, thah wath tho hot!

- What do we got? - What do we got for time?

What's the time? Oh, she didn't thart the clock.

- What? She didn't thart it? - Yeah, it was perfect.

It's gonna sound real good on the phones.

Jagmos.

I don't like how she always puth uth down

when we're trying to better ourthevles here.

And who are the idiots here?

Round two.

Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com

I don't feel a thing.

I'm stabbing the [bleep] outta my tongue, dude.

Might be bleeding, but I can't feel it.

I think it's safe to say our mouths are invincible.

- Mark Wahlberg. - But that won't mean anything

if I can't get stoned before the contest,

because I literally can't eat

Yeah, man, I know. It's...

I've called Karl, like, 16 times.

He's not picking up.

I'm just worried about Karl.

I don't like leaving him with his thoughts.

I could care less if he was dead or alive.

I don't want to sound cold, but you know me.

I've got that Michael Phelps swim fan appetite.

But my hungry hippos over here,

you need weed to maximize the munch.

I am a hungry, hungry hippo.

And we need a new drug dealer...

Now.

Where you gonna find a new drug dealer?

You can't just go to a drug dealer store.

I say we go to the seediest, most scummiest place

in all of Rancho Cucamonga...

A tattoo parlor.

Adam, are you sure this is a place to find street drugs?

Just think, dude.

All drug dealers have tattoos, right?

Hence, thereforced...

All tattoo parlors have drug dealers.

It's elementary school, my Emma Watson.

Right? Okay. Follow my lead.

We might have to speak in code.

I don't know if he's undercover. I don't know, man.

Okeydokey. What can I do for ya?

Something tribal, Chinese?

I don't do curse words in any language.

Well, we are looking to buy something

so we may...

Smokey-boo?

Because we've run out of things that we...

Schmooo.

- What're you guys doing? - We want to buy

some weeeeerd,

so that we can put it in our beeerd and smeerrk it.

Smake in a pat.

Get an apple, and then we can shmeek.

Guys.

Love the energy, but you can't hang out here.

This space is for customers.

Okay.

Aah! Haa!

- There we go. - Aah.

Oh, it looks so beautiful.

- Yeah. - Princess.

Oh, that hurt a little.

You know what would numb the pain?

Weed.

Oh, ho, ho.

U got the wrong guy, pal.

Okay, he winked earlier.

That was... can I at least get the stud that I paid for?

I'm bummed, dude.

This is a bust.

Adam, this is not a bust.

You got a banging-ass bellybutton ring, bro.

- Yes, you did. - Honestly...

I don't even know if I'm gonna keep it.

- Oh, come... don't say that. - Adam, come on.

- It's banging-ass. - Come on.

Banging-ass. It's lame-ass.

Heard what you guys were asking for.

Might be able to help you out.

Meet me out back in ten minutes.

Hey.

Make it 15.

I want to go to that pet store next door.

Whoa. Holy Moly.

So what exactly are you guys looking for?

- I don't do this, so... - Weed, mostly.

Hash? Keef? Hybrids?

Isolation tents, if you're into spiritual journeys?

- Uh... - We are.

- I could definitely. - Yeah.

Sample away.

- Oh, that's all you. - May I hit this?

Strap me in. I'm ready to go to war.

War on my brain!

Hang on one minute here, okay?

The stuff Karl gives us

has a bunch of stems in it.

How do we know this even comes from a plant?

- Yeah. - Right?

Looks like you made it in a creepy crawler machine.

- What is that? - It's all purple.

It's from our state-of-the-art grow house.

It's Enriquez goofing around during the harvest.

Okay, okay.

God damn, you had me at Enriquez.

Sorry, Karl.

I have those same pants.

Uh, and I notice you have a, uh...

Is that a hash-based olive oil substitute?

- It is. Good eye. - Oh, wow.

- Look at that. - That is nice.

Yeah, I'm kind of a gourmand, so, uh...

Whoo! I been daaancin'.

This pretty thing took me to a whole new world.

I'll take it out there.

- Yeah. - Whoo! Can I keep this?

- Hello, doc. - I'm keeping this.

Smoke that kush, pass that straw

smoke that kush

Oh, sugar, honey, iced tea.

I am stoned.

You know, Karl's weed,

it's just fingering me, man.

But this chick's soft, warm bud's

rattling my "g" spot.

I like that, dude.

- Guuuys. - Ooh.

Made some pretty dope beignets.

You get it? Dope, like grass.

There's grass in these beignets.

- Oh, okay. - Very underused.

Is it, now? Well, now it isn't, is it?

Isn't it?

Dude, you should keep saying grass

because it's like a slice of Americana.

- I will. - Yeah.

Pass me the grass, Mr. Roosevelt.

Certainly, Mr. my friend Brent's dad.

He's cool, man. He used to wear a cane.

Any dude that wears a cane, you know he's, like...

A gentleman.

- I got it. - Was that real?

- Who is it? - Um...

An angel just got...

Oh, God.

Oh, God, it's... it's Charl.

- What? - It's Karl, man. It's Karl!

- Hide it! Put it away! - Hide it, hide it, hide it.

We don't need to hide anything.

We're not doing anything wrong, okay?

Let's just talk to him.

We'll talk to him.

Man to beast.

Uh-huh.

Well, look what washed ashore at the grossest beach

I've ever been to.

Hey, sorry I've been off the grid

for a little bit, guys.

This dog ate my phone,

and then I had to adopt her,

and now I'm just waiting for her to pass it.

- Sure. - C'est la vie.

I wonder who that is.

Anyway, what's been going on with you guys, huh?

- What's happening over here? - Pbbt. Nothing, man.

We're just trying to function.

Whose weed is that?

Ohhh, that's...

We got... that's your weed.

We only buy weed from you, baby.

You think I don't know what my weed looks like, man?

What is going on here?

- Um... - Karl...

We have needs, right?

And you, frankly, were not meeting those needs.

So you went to a stranger for your weed?

No, we went to a stranger for grass.

We're calling it grass now.

Grass? What the heck are you talk...

What... what is he even talking about?

It was just once, Karl.

It didn't mean anything.

Were they...

Better than me?

Not better.

Just different.

No.

She's better. She's way better.

You know why? 'Cause she opened my eyes to a world of weed

that I never even knew about

with gadgets and gizmos and edibles.

- Edibles? - Yeah.

What's that?

Don't play dumb. It means, like, pot brownies.

Pot brownies? No, brownies are made out of fudge, Blake.

Come on. You know that.

Well, maybe that's part of the problem, Karl.

You ever think of that, man?

You guys are acting crazy right now.

You're all acting insane.

You're... you're smoking brownies, and you're eating weed?

It's called grass now!

Oh, you wanna yell? Let's yell!

Don't do this, Karl!

You did this! Not me!

And what's funny is I even found you dudes a present,

because I was thinking about you dudes.

Joe Dirt, man. In the dirt.

Freakin' see ya.

I hope she was worth it.

Because you threw away something special.

I thought we were Brajes.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to try and take this phone call.

Hello? Hello?

Happens when you give an animal an animal.

Guys, I know this hurts right now,

but it's for the best.

Mommy, if you can hear me,

I need you now.

That is good, very good.

I've been talking with the dudes,

and we love what we've been shmeeking.

Compared to our last guy, you...

Are the kitty's titties.

- The kitty's titties. Meow. - He ain't lying.

Why don't you guys shut up and check under your chairs?

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

I feel like a spy right now.

Bong. James Bong.

Bong, James Bong.

James Bong.

James Bong.

Stick around, boys.

I have another surprise for you later.

- Surprises? - Another surprise.

She has so many surprises.

Uh-oh. This is awkward.

Just let it happen.

- Here he comes. - Let it happen.

Hey, Karl.

- I'm not following you. - Okay.

You look, uh...

You look high.

Well, we are.

Really high.

That's great. That's great.

You know that that's all I ever really wanted for you,

is for you guys to be high.

- Mm-hmm. - Yep, we know, Karl.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what?

I got a little, uh, grass.

Okay, damn it, Karl.

I think we all know that's not a good idea.

Okay.

Come on, rumba.

Smells like wet garbage.

- Yeah. - Oh, I got it.

So listen, guys.

I don't know what you're up to later,

but I'm dropping some product off

at a celebrity client's house.

You guys want to tag along?

Meet Lori Beth Denberg?

- From all that? - Yeah.

- What? - Whoa, ho, ho, ho!

And the day keeps getting better.

Got some vital information for you.

I'm high as [bleep]!

- Oh, yeah, yeah! - Pbbbt!

I can't believe we went to the zoo.

- Yeah, man. That was sick. - Um, guys?

We did not go to the zoo.

Well, then how was I petting an owl?

- That wasn't an owl. - That was me, man.

I told you. That was him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

Here's this week's bill.

- Bill? - Uh...

Okay, um, yeah. Our, uh,

last drug dealer was pretty lax with payments, so...

And I don't mean to be a dick about it,

but one cool thing he did

was he didn't really bring up money that we owed him...

- Mm-mm. - In front of us.

Yeah, that was kinda rude, ma'am.

I think somebody's on their period.

- Ew, grody. - Listen.

I don't give a [bleep] what your old dealer used to do.

You're with me now.

Either I get paid, or people get hurt.

- Uh... - Okay, um,

we'll look at your bill.

$250 an hour

to hang out with Lori Beth Denberg?

Okay, now, that's actually a sweet deal.

The thing about this is we don't actually own

a lot of this money.

Sweetheart, if we're gonna build a relationship,

it has to be built on trust.

I mean, that's... agh! Ow!

Ooh. Don't make me use my meat strength...

Oh, my God!

- Agh! - What are you doing?

I'll be back here at 6:00 tomorrow.

If you don't have my money by then,

you won't just be dealing with me.

You'll be dealing with Cortez.

Uh, who's Cortez?

My boss.

Everything in this town is run by Cortez.

He's a lot less understanding than I am.

Well, that's weird, because you're not very understanding.

What's the girl with the dragon tattoo gonna do to us?

I'll tell you what she's gonna do to us.

She's gonna cut off my dick and feed it to me.

I have a very cut-offable dick.

And I'm hungry.

As soon as she dices your little dick u...

- Your decent-sized dick up... - Thank you.

The girl with the dragon tattoo is going to kill us.

Hey guys.

- Jeez... us. - Wow.

Announce yourself next time.

Sorry. Uh, some friend of yours

brought you a steak lunch.

I thought it was snake lunch at first,

but then she clarified it's a steak lunch.

And I'm not jealous, P.S.

Thank you.

Looks like, uh,

dragon tats is coming around.

Thank you.

She probably forgot we owe her money.

- Yeah. - Stoners, right?

Here's a note.

Oh, come on.

"Enjoy this meal on me.

Sincerely, you know who." Guys.

You know who it probably is?

It's probably the dragon-tattooed girl.

- Ah, boy. - Yeah.

I feel like a silly goof, huh?

We were all worried about nooooo...-

no, no!

Judge Lance Ito!

Well, we are dealing with a complete psychopath.

I guess we should just skip town or something.

What? Dude, we're not gonna miss

the pizza eating contest.

Oh, yeah, we shouldn't miss it,

'cause that's the first place she'll look, dude.

Or we kill her first, man!

Make it look like a lustful lover.

One of us is gonna have to sleep with her.

I guess I'll have to bite the bullet.

And by bullet, I mean her vagina.

Guys, you're overthinking this, all right?

We just need to outsmart her.

- We need to fool her somehow. - Uh-huh.

What's the most tricked you've ever been?

Shutter Ssland, Leonardo DiCaprio.

- Yes, exactly. And it... - Yeah.

But that movie had at least five twists in it.

So if we're gonna pull this off,

we need at least four.

Twists, guys.

- Okay, yeah. - Yeah.

I was wondering, 'cause I didn't know...

- Four... I was like... - I can't do everything.

Oh, hey, what's up?

You got something for me?

Yeah. Yes.

I-I-I... yep, yep. Hold up.

There it is, and it's all in there,

so, uh, go ahead and count it.

Better be.

But don't really count it.

It's me! Cortez's boss!

- Oh! - From the cartel.

So you better give me the money, Mami,

'cause you work for me now.

Oh, [bleep].

I think that guy is in the cartel,

so you might want to hand over all the real money to him.

All right, freeze, bad guys.

Special Agent Clements, D.E.A.

Under deep cover, following these perps since I met 'em.

You're good to go. I'm after the big fish.

Adam and Blake.

Or should I call you Miguel and Adam?

Ugh.

How'd you know it was me?

You got sloppy, kid.

Left behind too many clues.

It was no problem for my boys in... ballistics

and my other boys in...

Forensics to find you after that.

- Makes sense. Sounds real. - Yep.

Wait.

Are you really a cop?

Yes. You can go. You're safe to go.

'Cause that would make, like, a ton of sense

if Ders was a cop.

Ders is a cop!

You would make a good cop, dude.

I am a cop.

"Who stole my cereal?"

And now it's time to take you back

to shutter island.

None of this is real.

No one owes you any money.

You're a mental patient. You know, you're...

Get the [bleep] off of me.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Hell no! No, no!

- Just... - Uh...

Are you kidding me?

You guys smoke way too much weed.

- Thank you. - Get in the [bleep] van.

What's that noise? Is it snakes?

I think she's peeing on the floor.

Please, can we just talk?

The time for talking is done.

When was the time for talking?

It seemed like there was no time

between you telling us that we owed you money

and then you beating us up, throwing us in a van.

Yeah, you know, just for future reference,

just make sure people know now is the time for talking

and now is the butt-kicking time,

'cause I'm sure we're not the first people to think...

I have a blowtorch in my hand.

I don't have to explain [bleep] to you guys.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Ay ay ay

Oh, just in time. Have fun.

- Aah! - Oh, we're so sorry!

Aah, please don't kill us!

Just let us live one more hour

so we can win Hella free pizza.

You like Hella free pizza, right?

Kadoi, Braj.

Blake?

Karl!

I recognize that stink.

- Karl. - Blake?

- Do mine! - What the...

- You're Cortez? - Whoa.

Not exactly.

Me and my dealer buddies made up

this psychopathic, crazy Mexican dude

so that we could scare people into paying us.

All right? We all take turns pretending to be him,

and this is my version.

I rocked a sweet serape, a dope sombrero.

Then I take that hatchet over there,

and I take off my shirt,

and I scratch it on my chest, and I say,

"pay me, bitch!"

- Ooh, sounds effective. - Very smart.

It's rad, dude. It's so much fun.

Braj, we're sorry that we switched drug dealers.

Can we just go back to how it used to be?

How do you expect me to do that?

You guys hurt me.

You know, yes, I dealt to other people,

but when I put the weed in those little kids' hands,

all I saw was your faces.

I'm out this game, dude.

I'm going to college.

Yuck. College?

Are we just gonna let him go?

And miss the pizza eating contest?

I don't think so.

Whoa, I just realized we're at the steakhouse.

Here we go.

Come on, come on

come on, come on, come on

Everybody come on

Is it too hot for you?

A little too hot for you?

Go on, now, get.

Go on, now, get.

Don't look back.

She's not coming.

Huh?

I said she's not coming, buddy.

You getting on or what?

Oh. Yeah.

It's not a she, though. It's three dudes.

Come on, come on, come on, come on

come on, come on

everybody come on

- aah. - Aah.

Yeah! Free pizza for a year!

Whoa!

You guys can really scarf. Congrats.

Hey, you guys wanna go shmmeeck a booowww?

Zeke, we gotta give you a rain check

on that boooww shmeeeckin'.

Yeah.

We gotta stop our drug dealer

from making the worst mistake of his life.

- He's going to college. - Let's go.

Come on.

Yo, wait! Here we are.

- Karl! - Hey, Karl!

- Braj. - Karl, hey.

Stop this bus!

If you have a heart in your chest cavity,

you will stop this bus, bro!

Stop the bus.

Thanks for nothing, partner.

Ow.

Ooh.

Oh great, you won the pizza eating competition.

I know you'd be great.

Come on Braj, you won.

You don't have to go to college now.

Get Hella free pizza.

You guys didn't have to do this.

Yeah, I told 'em that.

Karl...

Would you be our drug dealer again?

I'd like that.

Yes!

I always did love selling you guys grass.

No, it's not grass anymore. We call it drug now.

****, bro.

- All right. - Good.

He's good.

- Light it up. - Could handle that quick, dude.

All four at once.

Oh, man.

- Human genius. - Light them up.

It's almost it's making me sneezing so bad.

That's a lot of stinks.

This is some of the best weed I've ever smoked, man.

Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com

- What are you? - He's my cousin!

Of course he is.

I lost some weight. Way to go.

Oh, there it is!

I'll go get it and strike on you!

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