Original subtitles

? ?

I love you, Shelly.

I'm sorry, but I...

I need to take a break.

I think I'm gay.

What is this, what is this, Mort?

MAURA: What? What do you...

- What do you mean? - Mort, come on, let's...

let's do that again with a little bit more conviction.

I don't feel an attraction to men.

(chuckles): Mort, Mor...

You-you put on a dress, and-and you put on high heels,

and you-you do your nails, and you skip around the house

in Shelly's clothing, you put on her panties.

What do you mean you're not gay?

I don't know. I don't know.

(sighs) Mort,

there is a direct correlation

between cross-dressing and homosexuality.

Now, I come in here week after week,

and you repeat these lines to me...

ad nauseam.

I'm trying to move you forward here.

There's freedom on the other side.

I have a lot of homosexual clients.

When they accept that part of themself,

they can have their true desire.

If-If you can accept this part of yourself,

maybe you'll no longer have the desire

to dress up as a woman.

Don't you want to find peace?

? ?

? ?

- Sorry, this is my first... - No, no.

Shh. It's okay, it's okay. Just shh.

Okay.

(grunting softly)

(panting)

MAN: It's okay, it's okay. Just shh, shh.

(whispers): Fuck.

I just, I've never done anything like this before.

It's okay. It's cool. Hey.

Hey, you're okay. Just shh.

(Maura sighs)

I... I can't.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Hey.

? ?

(Shelly sighs)

(Shelly groans)

- Oh, God, Mort. - Hi.

Ugh, now with the sex?

Do you know what time I have to get up tomorrow?

What time do you have to get up tomorrow?

(Shelly laughs)

No. Mort, no.

If we do this now, I'll only get seven hours of sleep.

So you'll get seven hours.

Yeah, well, I'm cranky if I don't get eight.

MAURA: Mmm.

SHELLY: Just don't wake me all the way up.

I got to take Joshy and Sarah to preschool

at the crack of dawn.

(Maura panting)

? ?

- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -

SHELLY: Now, if it's a girl,

Morty, let's name her Alexandra.

(crickets chirping)

(dog barking in distance)

I think my water just broke.

(Shelly groans)

- Mort. - MAURA: Hmm?

- Morty, we got to go. - Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

We got to go. We... we got to go the hospital.

Mort, please get up! Get up, please! We have to go.

- I will call Dr. Hartford. - Fuck the doctor!

Okay, call Judy to come watch the kids.

W-We're going to the hospital. Please get my boots.

Can you get my boots? They're in the closet.

(Maura sniffles)

(Shelly groaning)

SHELLY (groans): Oh.

Okay. This is good.

MAURA: I'm coming.

- I'm coming. - Oh, my God!

Mort, shit, I'm gonna miss my epidural.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

SHELLY: Suitcase! Get the suitcase, Mort. Jesus.

(Shelly mutters)

SHELLY: Hi. Oh, my God.

MAURA: We could've used a wheelchair here!

- SHELLY: Oh, my God. - Come on.

- WOMAN: Nice job. - (monitor beeping steadily)

- (Shelly panting) - There you go.

Deep breath.

- That's a big one. - SHELLY: Something is wrong.

Something is really, really wrong.

Please, please, please get my husband, please.

Just relax.

(screams)

- Push! - Push!

(Shelly screams)

The baby's showing signs of cyanosis.

WOMAN: Having trouble breathing.

- Her heartbeat's irregular. - She's not getting enough air.

MAURA: What is happening in here?

- Shell? - MAN: Mr. Pfeff... Please.

MAURA: No, that's my baby! That is my baby!

- Shell, wake up! - Mr. Pfefferman,

I need you to step outside.

Where are you taking her? That's my baby.

Where are you taking my baby?!

? ?

Please, God.

I don't know why you did this to her.

Is it because of me?

If it is, I'll stop everything.

I promise I'll stop.

I'll stop the dressing and the lying and the hiding.

I promise I'll stay. I'll be a good father.

Please, God, let Ali live.

? ?

(knock on door)

Did you get room service?

MAURA: No, I didn't order room service.

- (whispers): It's Moshe. - (knocking)

I have to answer.

Coming.

(knocking)

(door opens)

- MOSHE: Hi. Hi. - Hi.

I, uh...

- Can I come in? - Please. Yeah, sorry.

- Come on in. - Hi. Good morning.

- Morning. - Good morning, Maura.

Good morning.

I, uh, hope I'm not too early,

but I brought some macaroons. (chuckles)

Thank you.

MOSHE: Listen, I have a wonderful idea.

What would you think

if I brought the whole family over here, hmm?

Just for a few days. It'd be my pleasure.

Hmm?

What do you think of that?

Fly 'em all business class.

Take 'em on a private tour.

No expenses spared. Nothing but the best.

It'd give me a chance to get to know you and Bryna,

and then meet the whole family.

I'd love to meet the whole family.

Everybody will enjoy it. We'll all be together.

They could stay with me.

Everybody could stay at the house.

What do you think?

I, um...

Um...

That a yes?

(Moshe chuckles)

("Israelites" by Desmond Dekker & The Aces playing)

? Get up in the morning ?

? Slaving for bread, sir... ?

(Shelly singing quietly)

? Oh... ?

SHELLY: Joshy, where are the little bags?

? My wife and my kids, they packed up and leave me... ?

SARAH: So this is what you wanted us

to bring your mom in Israel? (gasps)

- Oh, my God! - What do you think?

- You knit that? - Yeah, I just finished it last night.

Oh, my God, she's gonna love this.

Talked to my parents; the kids are all good.

Oh, good.

Whoa! Is that the sweater?

- It's the sweater, the sweater. - Come on.

- That looks awesome. - Yeah, right?

- You did that? - I did it.

It's so cute; you're so talented.

Thank you so much for giving this to my mom.

She's gonna, like, lose her shit.

It's crazy that we're going to see your mom.

- I know. - It's pretty crazy.

Well, we're not going to see her.

She just happens to live there.

- Yeah, just stop by. - We're just making a stop.

- Yeah. - Does your mom, like,

know who we are?

Eh, ish, yeah.

This one is not going with us

'cause he doesn't want to miss a comic book party.

It's not a party.

It's a convention. I told you that, Mom.

I don't know what I'll find when I get back.

(Italian accent): 'Ey! Relax.

He's gonna live through the week.

Right, sonny boy?

(laughs): Well...

You're gonna come back,

he's gonna be like a different person.

Maybe he's gonna have a mind of his own maybe,

for once in his fucking life.

What's this?

- It's Mario! - What?

It's this character I do in my improv class.

Mario coming, too?

Of course Mario's coming.

- I got your passport right here. - Jesus Christ.

I think that's, like, super hot that your mom lives in Israel.

Okay, you can't fuck my mom though.

- That's the only... Yeah. - No, I don't mean...

- (laughs): No. - We're not.

- We wouldn't. - Okay.

He would, but I wouldn't.

- (laughs) - Hey.

Well, we're totally gonna miss you.

- Yeah. - Is that weird?

- Is that too soon? - Are we allowed to say that?

No, I don't think it's too soon. I'm gonna miss you guys, too.

- We should probably... - Just...

Don't want to forget that.

We should probably get going.

We got 22 minutes till the car gets here.

- Hmm. - Just FYI.

? I said I get up in the morning... ?

We have 21 minutes until the car gets here.

Okay, then.

I see where this... this is going.

I see exactly what's happening.

LILA: I have no idea. (laughs)

? My wife and my kids, they are packed up... ?

SHELLY (Italian accent): My little ragazzi.

Mario takes care of everything.

I got some Ambien for you.

Molto buono. This is gonna put a smile

- on that gorgeous face of yours. - Hey. Hey.

Mom, if you don't kill Mario, I will.

? Like Bonnie and Clyde ?

? Oh... ?

Oh. Somebody's cranky pants.

WOMAN (over P.A.): Ladies and gentlemen,

make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened.

We've been cleared for takeoff.

? Israelites, poor me ?

- ? Poor me ? - ? Oh ?

? Poor me, Israelites... ?

(siren wailing in distance)

MAN (over TV): Three easy payments of $19.95.

- WOMAN: Call now. - (door opens, closes)

Still in your pajamas, I see.

Yeah.

These meds are destroying me.

I-I don't know what to do.

I called in sick again.

(TV continues playing quietly)

I didn't notice anything... on the table, for dinner.

Well, there's food, but it's frozen.

- Oh, I see. Yeah. - Yeah.

I've been nibbling on some crackers.

I mean, it's not really dinner.

I'll take some crackers.

After all, I worked 12 hours today.

Should have some crackers.

Did you catch up on all your shows?

Do you want something?

You know, Davina,

maybe you had thought about that before,

maybe just prepared something or made a phone call

or pushed some fucking buttons on the microwave.

Okay.

Your house, your rules.

Would you like me to get you something?

DAVINA: Hmm?

What I would like you to do...

- Yeah? - is maybe notice that I'm here.

Maybe notice that I work 12 hours a day.

Maybe notice that I'm putting in extra hours

so maybe you could have an acupuncture treatment

- or something that makes you feel... - Oh, acupuncture?!

What do you think, acupuncture cures AIDS?!

W-Where did you get your fucking medical degree, Sal?

Well, I would like you to try some goddamn thing, Davina!

Something! You don't want to do anything!

You're just sitting here! It's like you're just giving up!

(Sal exhales)

DAVINA: I'm sorry I'm such a burden to you.

You want me to go?

Yeah. I'm fucking done.

You're not gonna crash on Miranda's couch

while I have an empty house in the Palisades.

Now, just get your stuff and put it in the garage...

Wait. The Airbnbers are still in the house.

Oh, okay.

So just, uh, take the, uh, basement space. All right?

And just wait there till I get home.

He's probably glad just to get rid of me.

MAURA: Oh, fuck him. It's his loss.

Okay?

I got you.

Thanks.

(Davina grunting)

("Long Lonely Road" by Valerie June playing)

- You got it? - Yes.

I can't believe this is my life.

? Fed us ?

? Sun up till sun sank down... ?

(quietly): Careful.

Ooh, careful.

? Folks thought we had it made ?

- ? 'Cause we always kept a face ? - (sighs)

? Meanwhile, there's bills to pay ?

? And the stack growing every day ?

? It's been a long ?

? Been a long, long ?

? Been a long, long, long, long, lonely road. ?

DAVINA: Wouldn't it be great to just live in a house like this?

- JOLENE: Ugh. - Not to have to worry about

how to pay the rent,

or getting kicked out just because you left an empty bottle

of milk in a refrigerator.

Or for not fucking somebody.

- Or for not fucking him the right way. - (laughter)

Girl, look, we all had to do things to survive.

As long as I can remember,

I've had to do some kind of...

mental gymnastics, trying to keep a roof over my head.

VALERIE: Mm-hmm, yeah.

DAVINA: Trying to be somebody for somebody else,

anybody other than myself.

VALERIE: Mm-hmm.

There's this guy.

His name is Roland.

Oh, boy, he was rich.

(sighs) House in the Hills.

And he liked them young.

When I was with him,

I was only 16.

ROLAND: Lo and behold,

I heard they actually offered the lead to John Travolta.

- KEN: No, you're kidding. - HOWARD: Fabulous.

Now, he can sell some tickets.

- ROLAND: We hope. - (laughs)

You know, uh, I heard he's one of us.

JAKE: Oh, please, honey, you think everyone is one of us.

Now, wouldn't that be something.

KEN: I'm just saying I've heard some things.

- Okay. - ROLAND: Everybody's heard some things.

Although, I'll tell you, I believe it.

I mean, he can dance, he can really dance.

He can dance like you can't learn how to dance

like he can dance.

And that hair? Come on.

- He's a peacock. - (laughter)

Oh, this house is outrageous.

- It's beautiful. - Yes.

- (clears throat) - It's pretty great.

DAVID: Come on, babies, let's put on a show for the old guys.

("He's the Greatest Dancer" by Sister Sledge playing)

DAVINA: Roland was HIV-positive.

And, uh, I made this deal with God. I asked, uh...

I said...

"If you want me to live, you will not infect me.

And if you want me to die, you will."

That's how much I felt my life didn't matter.

Testing God. Teasing God.

Playing God.

Mmm, baby, I am so hard.

God, I want to fuck you.

- DAVINA: We said we'd stop. - Oh, come on.

It's gonna take forever for them to figure out

what's going on, or if this is all bullshit.

DAVINA: I-I think we should wait until we know.

People are really getting sick.

ROLAND: Come on, honey. I'm here.

(groans)

I said no.

You say no just to fuck with me.

(chuckles)

Look who's hard.

Look who's so hard thinking about my cock in your ass.

- Roland... - Shh.

We promised we wouldn't.

(Roland moans)

I can't help myself just looking at you.

Ugh.

You know...

sometimes we make deals...

and then sometimes we hide.

I had two separate lives.

One was with Roland,

and the other one was the person I was at The Queen Mary.

Oh, you remember The Queen Mary, girl.

(laughs): Oh, yes, ma'am.

- I remember The Queen Mary. - You remember The Queen Mary?

JOLENE: Yeah. Oh, God.

(Roland sighs)

Let's go to Dan Tana's. I'm dying for a salad.

Ro, I have my pageant tonight.

Oh, God, don't tell me you're still doing that tacky thing.

Yes, I'm still doing it.

I've been waiting for this for months.

- Hey... - I told you about it.

Listen, you got to stop it.

It's ridiculous. Dressing up like a woman? Shush.

It's fun. I like to perform.

What's so wrong with that?

Okay, well, you go perform,

but you're not taking my car with you. (sniffs)

Call me a taxi, then.

You call yourself a taxi.

You got money?

No.

What do they pay you

to prance around like Rita Moreno?

It's fun. It's just fun.

So mad.

Come here.

(gruffly): Come here.

You have no problems.

You have no problems.

What's the matter? You need the money?

DAVINA: Oh, man, that was my Mecca.

Hmm.

(chuckles) Down in the Valley.

But those bitches taught me how to live.

(excited chatter)

Turn it down a notch, bitches.

Thank you.

Shut up!

(chatter continues)

Deedee, where have you been, baby?

That chintzy queen took the fucking car keys again.

What happened, girl? You couldn't get him off?

Of course I could get him off, Celine.

Let him find some other faggot. I'm done!

Fucking cochino.

Desgracadio in�til.

Well, daughter, a little soft bone in your mouth

is better than sleeping on the street.

Can I stay with you until I figure things out?

(sighs)

You know I'm staying with Mandy.

(scoffs) Don't look at me.

You know I'm staying with Talia.

What?

You have a pageant to get ready for,

so don't worry about that old, crusty queen.

Now, your wigs are set.

And sooner or later, you're gonna have to learn

how to style your own party hats.

Otherwise, I'm gonna start charging you.

Did you see Miss Talia's new titties? (scoffs)

Girl, she got pumped too much and too fast

with that Turtle Wax.

That shit's gonna fall to her ankles.

Now, if you ever want to get pumped, you come see me

and I'll take you to the right girl.

We'll get you the right stuff, not this bullshit

these cheap queens put in their bodies, okay?

- Where's your base? - Right here, right here.

You know, some light estrogen would get

this five o'clock shadow right together.

Hey. Hey, look at me.

Hey. Hey.

It's gonna be all right.

Okay?

You're not gonna be on the street, I promise.

We'll figure it out.

(piano playing)

- (music ends) - (crowd cheering)

EMCEE: Let's give it up for our next contestant tonight,

Davina Rejennae, Miss Hollywood!

- ("I'm Just a Prisoner" playing) - (crowd cheering)

? Though your love ?

? Has got me in captivity ?

? If you should leave me ?

? I know I would die ?

? In other words ?

? I just couldn't take it, baby ?

? I couldn't stand ?

? For you to say good-bye ?

(crowd cheering)

? I'm just a prisoner... ?

DAVINA: I guess you could say the fear of death

made me embrace life.

If I was gonna die, I was gonna fucking live first.

- ? Bound and chained... ? - (crowd cheering)

ALI: I can't believe they're coming.

My luck, this is when the tsunami hits.

? I'm just a prisoner ?

? Prisoner ?

? For your good loving ?

? I'm just a slave, yes ?

? Slave ?

? Bound and chained ?

? Bound and chained ?

? No, no, I don't wanna ever be free ?

? So please don't ever leave me ?

? My love ?

? For my poor heart ?

? My poor heart ?

? No, it just couldn't stand the pain ?

? Stand the pain ?

? Though your love ?

- ? Oh, yeah ? - ? Ooh ?

? Got me in captivity ?

? Mm ?

? Yet if you should leave me ?

? No, God ?

? I know I would die... ?

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