Original subtitles

(HORN BLOWS)

I can't believe you guys made me do this.

ALI: Oh, my God. I can't believe I said yes, either.

- Welcome aboard. - Washie-washie.

Come on, kids, follow me!

- This way, please. - Josh, why are you so bummed out?

- This is going to be fun. - Congratulations.

It's fabulous. I finally have my whole brood together.

Keep me away from this family frivolity shit

'cause I can't deal with it right now.

Wait, honey, honey, you have to do the hand thing.

- Oh. - Washie-washie. - Welcome aboard.

Who knew we'd both be single again?

(LAUGHING) But maybe there's a...

a reason, or it's beshert.

It's a lovely boat.

Something that we don't understand.

Ship. Call it a ship.

- What? - Ship. We call it a ship.

- What's the difference? - It's a matter of respect.

Matter of respect. Okay, I get that.

I said I feel like I'm having a hot flash, it's so hot.

Oh, God, we're losing the kids.

- Oh. - Hey, hey, hey. Sarah.

Josh! Ali!

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

MAURA: How do we get our luggage?

Let me make sure we're going in the right direction.

How many Pfeffermans does it take

to figure out where the fuck our rooms are?

We're going to be very close to each other.

Which is good because then we can knock

on each other's door in the night.

We're all... Evens are on the right.

Here I am. I'm going to go for a plop-down

because I'm zebroilzled.

Okay. W...

Wait. I'm seeing

that I'm on a different level than you.

I'm going to check on that.

Everybody get unpacked and meet for dinner at 6.

You got that? Yeah.

God, I feel so bad.

Mom's alone again.

That's why we had to come on this trip:

because Mom would actually die if we didn't.

(LOUNGE JAZZ)

Hello, Shelly.

Welcome to the Garden Villa in the Haven.

I am Trevor, your personal butler,

and I'm here to make everything smooth,

fabulous, and easy for you and Mr. Rachlis.

Mr. Rachlis and I just broke up,

so I won't be able to have this extravagant space

all for myself because it's too much.

I'll have to change my room. Thank you.

No, there's no need to do that.

Being on a cruise is the perfect thing

- for a breakup, girl, okay? - (LAUGHING)

And this is the perfect suite to luxuriate.

I can book you a massage. We've got acupuncture.

Perhaps you'd like a little Mani-pedi,

teeth whitening, a saline Jacuzzi.

Shel, let me ask you this.

When was the last time

you took some "you" time?

Is that the same as "me" time?

Yeah.

I have a surprise for everyone.

There's something that I want to show you

after dinner.

I think we were supposed to download this app at home, guys.

If we don't do this, we won't be able to keep in touch with each other.

Done with this farshtinkener phone.

- Doesn't work for me. - Forget it.

So? Where's Joshie?

He's freestyling.

He's not feeling well?

- He's freestyling. - No one said that, Mom.

He's doing what he wants.

Why does someone always get sick on vacation?

Who had the singles in San Francisco?

- Oh, no. - That wasn't San Francisco.

San Francisco's where I had strep.

- Really? - Yeah.

That's right. You got off the plane.

All the way from the airport

straight to Aunt Bryna's for the Seder.

Oh, and that was the Pesach

that Maura and Bryna had that big fight.

Because you took her side.

And then we never had another Seder after that. Why not?

Because Pesach and Seder were always Aunt Bryna's.

That's so stupid. Passover doesn't belong to a person.

Our dining room table wasn't big enough for everybody.

I... I couldn't find the leaves for the table.

Why do you do that? I don't want that.

Because I just don't need all this.

One of you had chicken pox.

- Then don't eat it. - Who had chicken pox?

- No, but I didn't... No. - Did you have chicken pox?

Because if I eat it...

it's on my own plate and I eat it,

you know how quickly I put on weight.

I don't think Ali wants something

with your mouth moisture on it.

Especially when there's literally

3,000 delicious things to eat

in every direction on this boat.

It's not a boat. It's a ship.

- You have to say ship. - Ship.

You can't misgender the ship.

You know what?

I don't want to miss the magic show,

so I got to go.

So, guys, I need to show you something after dinner.

I'm going to go find Yoshi.

Bye. Thanks.

Bye.

Shingles in Nova Scotia.

One of the kids had shingles in Nova Scotia.

Mm-hmm. I think I blocked out Nova Scotia.

Mom?

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- Look at this. - Fuck balls. What?

This is her room? Ha!

This is incredible.

- She has a piano. - Fruit?

We don't have a fruit bowl.

Mom, why didn't you tell us about this?

How did you get in here?

Oh, I accidentally picked up your key at dinner.

Yeah, well, this was the surprise

I was going to tell you about at dinner last night,

but you all treated me so horribly that I decided not to.

We didn't treat you so horribly.

- What are you talking about? - Yes, you did.

You treat me horribly most of the time.

So listen, why don't you just go?

- Come on. - You're kicking us out?

Yes. This is my place. this is my time.

This is me pampering myself.

I'm going to have a massage and a Mani-pedi,

and I'm going to indulge myself.

Trevor is teaching me about self-care.

Who the fuck is Trevor?

Trevor is the gay who comes with the room.

Wow. I didn't get a gay with my room.

Did you get a gay with your room?

You can go now. Go ahead.

Okay.

Bye. Enjoy your massage.

I will.

ANNOUNCER: Mr. Amazing man!

Whoo! Look at him.

Nice, buddy.

All right. Let me ask all the guys

to line up one more time right there.

Everybody, face the pool area.

I don't know. I think, like, my ex and I

are, like, best friends or something,

but it just... to be honest, Lisa,

I just can't tell if he's my person

or do I just want him to be my person.

What's the difference, you know?

I guess. I don't know.

What about you and your hubby?

I mean, I'm assuming you're straight

because I shouldn't... I'm...

No. Um...

I'm not really straight.

I don't know. We have a kind of a...

forward-thinking, modern thing going on.

I mean, as long as you're being so candid,

we actually, um... between you and me...

we swing.

- (GIGGLING) - Okay, wait.

Like you let each other hook up with other people?

No. No. We hook up with other couples.

I mean, at home we have our people,

and then, when we're, you know, on vacations like this,

we kind of keep our eyes open

for couples who might be into us.

Sounds kind of complicated.

Mm, well, just complicated enough

to keep life interesting, you know?

Hey, babe.

LEN: Hey. Everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah. I just...

want to tell you that I missed you.

- Aw. You, too, loser. - (LAUGHING)

Hey, I'm going to put you on speaker phone.

Guys, come here, real quick.

- Guess who it is. - Is it Mom?

I'll give you a hint. It's Mommy.

- Mommy! - Say "Hi, Mommy."

- Mommy, hi, Mommy! - Tell her the big news.

We got big news over here.

- We got a new pet turtle! - Yeah.

ELLA: And also, Zacky pooped all by himself on a play date.

Hey, I wanted to tell her that.

Big news, right?

Do you believe that?

Oh, sweetie, I'm so proud of you.

I'm so happy to hear all of that.

Yeah. All right, say we love you, guys.

- Love you, Mommy. - Love you, Mommy.

We love you, Mommy.

I love you guys.

I'll see you soon. I love you.

- Okay. Bye. - Later, Mom.

So.

Hmm?

Everything okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

I'm not fine.

I miss Mr. Rachlis.

He would have loved all of this,

especially the food. (CHUCKLING)

He was my port in a storm.

He believed in me.

He liked my singing.

- You sing. - Mm-hmm.

We were actually working on a one-woman show for me.

I'm sorry. Did you just say one-woman show?

Yeah. (CHUCKLE) Yeah.

Why am I just finding out about this?

I have connections at the Spinnaker Lounge

right here on the ship. It's world famous.

Barry Manilow has played there.

I can make this happen.

Wait, wait, wait. I... I...

I could do my one-woman show on this boat?

On the... this ship, yes.

- This ship? - Yes.

(DANCE BEAT)

Looking for something in particular?

Hi. This is wonderful.

Is this for men or for women?

For both, either.

What do you think?

It's very, very nice.

Is this what they call at-leisure wear?

Sort of like a Boca Raton matriarch

or a, I don't know, like a...

hip-hop rapper... thingie?

- It's for everyone. - Can I try it on?

Sure.

Hi.

Hi.

- You look incredible. - Thank you.

Yeah.

This is... This is a fabulous new look for you.

What's going on?

Just, uh,

I'm saying goodbye to my Spandex

and to my feminine shapewear.

This one has my tuchus in it.

Why?

Uh...

I can't... I can't get my surgery.

Why?

Apparently, if you're my age

and there's a little whoop-Dee-doo

on your heart machine record,

they will not let you go under,

and there is a little whoop-Dee-doo

on my heart machine record,

so I think it's one thing to wear this stuff

if you, uh, know

you are going to transform into...

a new shape, but, uh,

otherwise, it just feels like a costume.

It feels like I'm hiding. It feels like...

It feels wrong.

Now, I have to do more tests,

and I have to go off hormones, which I've done,

and I feel like I'm...

like I'm nothing.

Like I feel nothing.

It sucks.

And now I don't even know what or who I want anymore.

Wait, so you're not transitioning?

I've already transitioned. I'm trans.

I'm just...

This is me.

This is it.

Well, let's...

let's say a prayer.

- Can I? - Do it.

This is your butt?

This was my butt.

Take this.

- Okay, ready? - Ready.

Face the ocean and raise your arms.

Great Mystery,

Goddess,

let us mark this moment to say goodbye to these

tight, terrible Spanx.

Goodbye, tight, terrible Spanx.

Deliver us from feeling...

bunched up in the ass!

Dayenu!

And restricted and confined!

Let us just be!

(LAUGHING)

Set us free!

Set us...

BOTH: Free!

You know what? I'm worried about the little birdies

getting caught up in this like a little straitjacket or something.

- We can't do it. - Oh, God. Here.

There.

Here you go.

Hi.

- Hey. What's up? - How are you?

I'm pretty good. How are you?

I'm okay. 24 black. Did you just win?

Yeah. I'm up. A lot.

- A lot? - A lot.

Place your bets.

You should start betting numbers.

I don't do numbers.

These are really good numbers:

3, 9, 18, 36. I promise they'll win. Please?

- (CHUCKLE) - I'm serious.

These are very powerful.

Play one of mine.

- Really? - Yeah.

- I can play this? - Yeah.

You can put it wherever you want.

Okay. Um, should I do 3 or 36?

Or should I do 18?

No, I'm going to do 36.

Do it.

Here.

We're going to bet them all.

- What? - Bet them all.

- Really? - Yeah.

We're going to bet it all.

- Do it. Why not? - Okay.

I'm going to start with 3

Because you just wrecked the binary

And three 3's is 9, and you double that and have 18,

and two 18's is 36. 36.

All right, here we go. Let's go. Drop, drop.

- Okay! Okay! - No more bets. No more bets.

Okay. Okay.

Wait until you see this.

(WHISPERING)

22 black. 22 black.

What do you mean, that's it?

We don't get another spin?

No.

Oh, my God.

How much money was that?

Josh, how much money was that?

How much money was that?

$25,000.

Oh, my God. What?

Why did you just let me bet $25,000?

I don't know what I'm doing.

(SIGH)

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Fuck.

What do we do?

What do you want to do?

I want to go be by myself.

No, you can't be by yourself.

I came on this cruise to be with you.

(CHUCKLE) Really?

- Yeah, really. - That's bullshit.

No, it's not.

You came on this cruise to escape Leslie.

No, that's bullshit.

And you also came to Overland Park

- to escape Leslie. - Oh, please!

You were losing your mind, and I came, and I saved you.

You didn't save me. You're making shit up in your fucking head.

I didn't ask you to pick me up from Overland Park.

Okay?

I'm not your fucking boyfriend.

You're my sister.

I want to be normal.

I want to have my own family,

and I'm... this... this is fucking it up.

So you need to go that way,

and I'm going to go this way.

Sarah, get up, get up. I have an idea.

- What? - I need your help.

I want to do a Seder.

Oh, no. I'm not doing a Seder.

- Please? - No, no, no.

- Why? - Because I'm over the henani shit.

I've never... I'm done, okay? I'm a bad Jew.

It doesn't have to be like that.

- Why do you want a Seder? - Because we need it.

We're together on this boat,

and it's the last night of Passover,

and I just want to gather together in a circle

and just have one moment of being connected.

Please.

I don't have a Seder plate or anything.

- I just checked... - Starboard, bow.

Then it's the 12th floor, not the 10th.

(LAUGHING) Look.

Give me the plate. Give me the plate.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Here, here.

Hey, we can use saltines for matzo.

- Okay. - Uh...

Oh, bone.

- Oh, bone. - Bone.

Oh. Perfect.

- Parsley. - For what?

- Charoset. - Charoset.

- Uh, nuts... - Nuts, raisins.

- Yeah. And... - Okay. Nuts and raisins.

They don't have wine here.

Vinegar. Get vinegar.

Vinegar. That is such a good idea.

Okay, that's good. That's good.

- Bitter herbs. - Here's your wasabi.

- Thank you. - It's perfect.

- That's great. - Thank you.

Okay, um, let's all take a moment

to take a few deep breaths.

Ground yourself.

And, um, just be grateful

that we're all gathered together,

invited by the feminine spirit,

She who holds space,

and we're going to name this moment

and mark this tradition of our people,

the Jewish people.

So today, before the sun goes down,

we're going to taste the foods of the ritual platter.

MAURA: What is that?

That's the charoset.

SHELLY: What's wasabi.

That's beautiful.

- Thank you. - It is.

Well done.

(CRUNCH)

SARAH: Oh, my God.

Wow, you really get the bitterness of being a slave on that one.

- SARAH: Okay, so... - (GULP)

- (COUGH) - You okay?

Ali and I decided that we were going to do this

like the Seder that Raquel and I came up with

for henani... Sorry. I don't want to trigger.

Of course not.

We were going to do this thing

where you sit across the table from people

and you tell them...

you know, what you feel enslaved by,

like what we needed to be freed from.

Would you guys want to do that?

- MAURA: Yeah. - ALI: Yeah. Let's do it.

MAURA: Good.

I got to go.

Let him go.

(SIGH)

MAURA: And then there were four.

You know what? Maybe we just shouldn't do this.

- MAURA: Okay. - No. We're doing it.

SARAH: Okay, let's do it. Moppa, you go.

All right. Um, I was on the deck of this ship,

and I was looking out at the vastness of the ocean,

and it was overwhelming,

so what I did to steady myself

was I imagined a point way, way out there,

and I imagined how deep it would go,

and of course it would go on forever.

And then I just sort of get the vastness of the ocean...

I mean, of all oceans, and...

in that moment I can understand my pain...

and the size of my fear.

My actual self is so...

tied up with it.

With shame.

(SNIFFLE)

Uh, get back to me.

(SNIFFLE)

I, uh, I'm going to go.

Uh...

Could you please be fast?

I have a hard out at 6:30.

- What? - Where are you going?

You have to tell your story.

MAURA: We're trying to connect here.

You want me to tell my story?

- Yeah. - Okay.

My story is...

I am not at home in this family.

You ridicule me.

You bond with each other behind my back.

You roll your eyes at me.

We do not roll our eyes.

You... You just did it.

You just did it.

She's right. You roll your eyes.

Thank you once for sticking up for me.

You know, when Buzzy left,

I thought that no one would ever believe in me again.

But then I met Trevor.

Who's Trevor?

He's the gay who comes with my room.

I am on a completely different level.

I get a poached egg on demand.

Anyway, I auditioned my one-woman show for Trevor,

and he thinks it's strong enough

to be performed in the world-famous,

renowned Spinnaker Lounge.

So if you want to hear my story,

my story wants to be heard by you.

Tonight at 6:45.

MAURA: 6:45.

I go on at 7,

but you have to get your seat by 6:45.

You get a gay with your room?

Only on her level.

(PIANO)

Come with me on the journey to Shel...

(ECHOES) and to Shel and to Shel and to Shel and back.

Come with me on the journey to Shel and back.

When I was a young girl,

something happened to me

that made me stop being who I really was.

I stopped growing in every sense of the word.

I have always been drawn to men

who wanted to live in the darkness of a secret.

Who am I? I didn't know.

I didn't know, and I didn't want to know.

I was in a cocoon.

I'm broke, but I'm happy

I'm poor, but I'm kind

I'm short, but I'm healthy

Yeah

I'm high, but I'm grounded

I'm sane, but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost

But I'm hopeful

Baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's going to be

Fine, fine, fine

'Cause I got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk, but I'm sober

I'm young, and I'm underpaid

I'm tired, but I'm workin'

Yeah

I care, but I'm restless

I'm here, but I'm really gone

I'm wrong

I'm sorry

Baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's going to be quite all right

'Cause I got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a peace sign

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Whoo!

I'm free, but I'm focused

I'm green, but I'm wise

I'm hard, but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad, but I'm laughing

I'm brave, but I'm chickenshit

I'm sick, but I'm pretty

Baby, what it all boils down to

Is that no one's got it all figured out just yet.

(CHEERING)

'Cause I got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is playing the piano

Give it up for Trevor, everybody!

What it all boils down to

My friends

Is that everything's just

Fine, fine, fine

'Cause I got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is hailin' a taxicab

- Yeah

- (APPLAUSE)

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

And what it all comes down to, my friends, is

Is that everything is just fine, fine, fine

'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is givin' a high five

I feel drunk, but I'm sober

I'm young, and I'm underpaid

I'm tired, but I'm workin'

Yeah

I care, but I'm restless

I'm here, but I'm really gone

I'm wrong, and I'm sorry, baby

And what it all comes down to, my friends

Yeah, is that everything is just fine, fine, fine

'Cause I've got...

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