Original subtitles

- Josh: Hey. - Sarah: What's going on?

Where is she?

She's in the back breaking child labor laws.

What is so urgent?

Shelly: Your grandma

might just become an elected official.

Hi, Joshie.

- Hi. - Hi. Come here, tushy.

- Can we talk? - Oh, hi, baby doll.

Hey, Sarie, did you tell Joshie

that I'm running for a seat on the condo board?

- Hey, I need to talk to you. - I haven't had a chance yet.

And I am putting these monsters to work.

I'm building my campaign

around cleaning up that horrendous duck pond.

- Mom. - She's, uh...

You're not gonna... You're just going to have to spit it out.

Your task, should you choose to accept it...

- Hey! - ...is that you...

I need to speak to you not in front of children.

You want to do this right here, or do you want to...

??? ??? [theme]

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I forgot. I forgot.

You forgot?

Yeah.

That I had a kid?

Mom, you have known about Colton

- for 17 years. - Oh, please.

I mean, other things were going on.

Every day you kids had some mishegoss or another.

And your father was diddly...

doing God knows what at that cross-dressing camp.

I was... I was all alone.

I can't get those years back.

You don't seem to understand that.

I put Colton out of my mind.

I put him out of our world

to protect you, Josh.

You have no idea how difficult it is

to be a parent, right, Sarie?

Wow. Okay. Okay.

Okay.

You think I was so terrible?

I didn't beat you.

I kept you fed.

You had a credit card.

You had a credit card. You know... Wait.

Other people throw babies in dumpsters.

They raise kids, right?

They raise kids in closets.

You guys had it pretty good.

I'm sorry. I have to go take a shower.

Oh, now she's going to go out.

I love you.

Ali: It ends with an essay question.

And the prompts? Look at them.

They are, I mean, dumb.

"Please expand upon the way your work relates to society

in a larger historical context."

[hawking]

Okay.

What about this?

What if you replace the word "work"

with the word "cunt"?

Then you have a really great essay.

You mean like "Please expand upon the way

your cunt relates to society."

By Ali Pfefferman.

[groan]

Should I be asking Leslie what she thinks?

I mean, yeah,

I'm sure she has a lot of opinions about your cunt.

You know, it couldn't hurt to ask her, right?

Or it could hurt to ask her,

and I should just be, like,

a serious, independent thinker

who wants to go to graduate school.

All right.

Run it by me.

Okay.

Okay, so there's this thing

that I've been Googling

that I think is super interesting,

which is called... which are called Jew shoes.

You're wowing me.

I'm not telling you.

No, just tell me.

You are not...

No, no, no, no. Okay, Jew shoes.

Jew shoes. It's a real thing from back in the old days

where they used to make Jewish women

wear these horrible shoes.

One was red, and one was black,

and they had bells on them

so that you could hear them coming.

That's what your essay's going to be about?

Yes.

No?

It shouldn't be about that?

Well, now I'm completely embarrassed.

Well, you should be.

Well... [scoff]... I think you should be.

Come on. It's a great idea.

I think you're the one who's really embarrassed.

By what? I can't think of one thing you could do to embarrass me.

I think this situation here really embarrasses you...

No. God, I just...

I think especially when I do that. Mm!

It really embarrasses you.

- I don't think so. - So much, it...

[grunt] Embarrassing!

Stop it. Stop...

Ow! Ha ha ha ha!

Ow.

Raquel: My mom is the same way.

She just does not admit shit.

It's hard because you're looking for a parent,

and they're just not...

Oh, I'm not even looking for a parent.

I'm just looking for a fucking human being.

- Oh, honey. - You know?

Like, how ridiculous would it be

if they actually told the truth?

- Like... - I know.

I can't stop thinking

about what it would be like

if they hadn't fucked with my life.

I guess one could argue

that if they hadn't lied to you...

that maybe you wouldn't be in this room

trying to fold your T-shirts across...

From... From the most amazing human being that I've ever met,

who is inspiring a huge boner in me right now.

Your Honor, permission

for said boner to approach the bench.

May... May... May I, Your Highness?

I think... [laughing]

Um...

babe, uh, there's some...

something's on your back.

- Want me on my back? - No, no, no, no.

It's just like some spots or something,

- but it kind of... - Where?

...mm, looks a little bit like measles.

Maybe it's measles.

There's no measles, but I'm just saying...

God, it's, like, everywhere.

It's probably something that you ate

because it looks like a rash

or, you know, people have a reaction...

Let me call Dr. Susan just because I don't know...

Don't touch them. I don't want to be contagious.

All right. Okay.

Oof. Well, that was hot.

Oh, it's hot.

I'm going to get up all over that rash.

I'm going to get up on it.

Maura: You understand what I'm saying?

Shea: Yes. I do understand.

Just overlap a little bit.

Okay, so you want to do another layer?

- Or not? - I think we should.

I think... Really?

Can you hand me a noodle?

I never thought I would live to say that.

So, um, I told you that I went to Dr. Venti...

I cannot say that doctor's name. Ventmiglia.

And she gave me this drug called Lupron.

- It's a T blocker. - Uh-huh.

It's a testosterone blocker.

Oh, like Spironolactone.

- Yes. - So she said

that I might have less of a sex drive.

That's one possible side effect,

but also my body hair might thin,

and I will soften out.

- Yes. That's exactly... - Is that all true?

Well, yeah, and you got to be careful.

- Why? - Well, because

it's possible things might not work

as well as they used to work. Do you know what I mean?

- Yes. I understand. - So just be careful.

I'd rather be horny and hairy,

- quite frankly. - Yeah.

Well, you're just saying that

because your man's getting out.

- That's true. - Well, I'm good with that.

I'm just focusing on...

moi.

Good. You don't need to be focused

on anyone but yourself right now.

Are we layering these the right way?

Yeah, but you have to put...

Yes, yes. It looks great.

Basil there and basil there. That's good.

I have a question.

Is it okay to stay in the turret

- when Sal's here? - Of course it is.

Why would you even ask something like that?

- Don't start that. - Because I don't know.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Maybe you and Sal want to have more...

- We'll be fine. - ...room to express yourself,

- if you know what I mean? - Don't worry about it.

- It's going to be fine. - ??? Bow chika wow wow ???

This is where you live now.

Just don't bring up politics

- because his might... - I have no politics.

- It's time to pick up... - I got to see if...

Yeah, go get cunt.

...upside-down for a couple of days.

Time to pick up those who are incarcerated.

- Yeah. And get cunt. - What did you just say?

Go get cunt? Is that a phrase?

Time to get cunt, you know.

Wow. That's sort of blunt

and yet to the point.

Yeah, but I... I woke up this morning. I saw this,

and I thought I should... We should just check it out

because this is so gross.

You know, it really looks more

like an allergic reaction to something you ate.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Josh: Oh. - Yeah, like hives, maybe.

- Okay. - So I'm going to go ahead

and draw some blood as a precautionary measure.

Oh, thank you so much.

Test for measle antibodies

because I don't have a record of you getting a booster shot.

I'll just need you to stay out of public places,

you know, like airports, shopping malls...

Fine. So if you see anything in terms of who's in there,

do not say a word to us.

- Oh, okay. - We do not want to know.

We want to be surprised.

- Okay. - Don't want to know the sex.

Okay.

Oh.

Where are you, Corn Nut?

Come out, come out.

Okay.

- Everything okay? - Did you...

I'm just going to go get the doctor, okay?

I'll be right back, you guys.

The last time that we were in here,

we heard the... the swishing happens.

Right. I'll just be right back.

We were going to record it.

How long does it take to exit a prison?

I mean, he has nothing to pack.

You think they'll miss one little...

Don't ruin the presentation for Sal.

[chatter]

It's going to cost, like, 20 grand.

- 20 grand? - Yeah, and I said "Fuck it.

"Let's just call the plumber

and stick a pipeline through it."

No one makes a fool out of my girl, huh?

- Mm. - Shea: Hey, hey, hey.

- Mm. - [Shea chuckles]

- Uh... - Hi.

Oh, look.

- Hey, Shea. - Hi, honey.

Oh, you're a sight for sore eyes.

- How are you? - Good, good.

- Good? - Been a long time.

Honey, this is Maura.

- Oh, Maura. - Hi. How are you?

I've heard so much about you,

and thank you for letting me stay here.

It means a lot to me.

Oh, you're not going to hear me complaining

about a bevy of broads in my house, huh?

We're so excited. We made you a lasagna

because we know you like it.

Yeah, uh, we... we stopped, and we just...

we got a little chicken.

You see, he wanted some chicken.

Been craving some chicken and Davina

- for quite some time. - Yeah.

Shea: I bet.

Let's go to bed.

We're going to head upstairs.

Yeah.

Do you want some wine?

- Okay. - The wine we will take.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Thank you, Maura. Thank you.

Shea, good seeing you again.

I mean, you know...

- Good night. - Head upstairs.

- Celebrate. - Do you want glasses?

That was abrupt.

Yeah. He's short.

I wish you didn't have to go through that.

We'll just try again

because apparently, like, it's actually...

the easiest time to get pregnant

is the first six months after you've already been pregnant.

So this is, like, now,

and then it gets to be difficult again,

so now we should... this is when we do it again.

I mean, not like today.

But we... we do it again.

Yeah.

Or we could just take this moment

to just, like, just breathe for a second.

You know what I mean?

I feel like I haven't had a chance

to, like, breathe

with all this shit going on.

Well, like, we're engaged, Josh.

We're, like, in it.

Like...

- Yeah. - Right?

I know. I know. I know.

I just... I'm just saying

we've... This has been a whirlwind, and...

- Yeah. - ...I...

I just want to take a moment

and just, like, think about what we're doing

and make a plan,

and we have a chance to do it right.

You know what I'm s... That's all I'm saying.

I, uh, I... I want... I want a baby.

I know.

I don't have, like, a lot of time.

Actually, like, I feel like

I want... want this.

I want this. I do.

- Do you want this? - I do.

I just need

just, like, not right now,

not right this second.

I just... I'm trying to be truthful

about...

- Okay. - ...what is going on with me,

and I think that's what we want, right?

- Yeah. - We want to be truthful.

Yeah.

Thank you for being honest.

- Okay. Good? - Yes.

- Okay, good. - Great.

All right, I'm going to, uh...

I'm going to draw a bath for you, okay?

Okay. Okay.

[knocking]

Hello?

Leslie: I'm up here.

Okay.

Hi.

Come on up.

Thank you so much for agreeing to help me out.

I'm sure people are

always bothering you with that.

Yeah.

[loud moaning]

You sure this is a good time?

Because I can come any time.

No, no. I'm just trying to come up with these clips

to run as background when I read some poems

up at the Anawalt Womyn's Music Festival.

Right, yeah.

Syd and I just got tickets to that.

We can't wait.

Oh, yeah. It's four days of fresh air

and cowboy coffee and a forest full of tits.

Yeah.

Rumor has it that this might be the last year.

[moaning continues]

You have a lot of great pieces up here.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't you go downstairs and get some wine?

Great.

I'll be down in just a minute.

It's right on the kitchen counter.

It's right next to the cat crack.

Perfect. Thank you.

Oh, Christ. I never want to see another pussy

as long as I live.

Just kidding. Maybe a week.

Uh, I don't know if I could go that long.

At my age, the Rolodex of the brain

is sometimes better than the real deal.

Yeah, I totally get that.

You want to get in my barrel?

What is a barrel?

It is a hot tub. My back is fucking killing me.

Okay, a whole variety of things here.

PB&J, Hot Pockets, hot chocolate.

A little mini buffet.

Thank you.

Uh, so I was thinking.

I don't have to go to this thing tonight.

No, it's fine.

- Really? - Yeah.

All right. There will be some important people there.

Well, then you should go.

Okay.

Well, um, you know,

you should watch, like, some stupid TV or something,

you know? Just, like, take your mind off yourself.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll see you later, okay?

[keys jingle]

Well, well, well.

Look what the cat dragged in.

- Hi. - You look great.

Thanks.

Hey, sorry. Pilates ran long.

I just got to grab a shower.

Okay. Actually, I'm so exhausted,

I thought maybe we could just stay in and hang out.

Would that be cool?

Oh. AKA you're horny?

Shut up.

Yeah. Well, I'll still shower

unless you want me dirty.

No. That's cool. I'll Yelp some food.

All right, let's get it on.

Ohh.

Do you think I'm, like, easy for staying in?

Not at all. Are you kidding?

I'm so glad we're doing this.

You think I'm, like... like, um, like a slut?

[chuckle] No.

I don't think you're a slut at all.

I think you're just sexually amazing.

But, like, what if I am a slut?

Hang on. What?

Okay. [Laughing]

Okay, I'm trying to...

I'm sorry. I'm trying to tell you something,

and I'm not doing it well.

Hey, you know what? I'm going to stop you right here.

I know what this is. You got herpes.

- Right? - No.

- It's, like, no big deal. - No, I don't.

It's, like not anything to be ashamed of.

I don't have herpes. I have a fantasy.

- Oh. - I...

I'm trying to...

What's the fantasy?

Like, um, okay.

Okay, so there's this guy from my high school.

Okay. High school fantasy.

His name's Mr. Irons. That's actually his name.

Okay. Teacher or something?

Actually, his title was disciplinarian.

Wow.

So he walks around with this, like...

We... Our hall passes were wooden paddles.

- Oh. - And, like, he'd get really...

I can see where this is going.

...get really mad at you

if you didn't have your hall pass.

Do you, like, want to play him?

Yeah. Tell me what to do.

All right. Sit down.

All right.

Sit down like you're at your desk.

And there's, like, a glass window here.

[phone buzzes]

And...

[buzz]

You can, um, you can see me.

And I don't have my... I don't have my hall pass...

Uh-oh. You're in trouble now.

...in my hand,

so, like, I'm walking down the hall.

[high voice] Yoo-hoo!

Young lady!

I already know that voice was wrong.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I tried something, but it didn't work.

Something like less Julia Child.

[buzz]

Okay, so more like my voice?

- Sorry. - You are blowing up.

I know, I know, I know. Sorry.

[buzz, beep]

- It's my mom. - Okay.

- Mom. - Hi.

What's up?

Mom. Mom, breathe.

Rela... Are you crying?

??? ??? [techno beat]

[chatter]

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Yo.

I'm going to shoot those photos.

I should have hit you back.

When I yell "Marty,"

you pick up el telefono, dog.

[chatter]

Joshie. What's up, baby?

Jesus. Fuck.

- How are you, man? - I'm good.

I haven't seen you in a minute.

- I know, I know. - What have you been up to?

Just working on the sneaker line, man.

- Check this out. - You're making sneakers.

I am making sneakers.

Will we work with the girls?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do it.

- Do it. - Good seeing you.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- There he is. - Hey.

Bring it in, dog. Bring it in.

Oh, I feel good.

I listened to the whole polished DP today,

and I just love it so much, man,

I want to give it a prostate massage.

Okay, we need to talk.

You okay?

What happened?

What?

You're scaring me, man.

Fussy Puss and you and me and our own label.

[laughing]

Say yes to your fucking dreams.

I love that idea.

Let's get fucked up.

You know what really kills me

is when men want to acknowledge

female superiority.

[scoff]

And it is like "Fuck you, buddy.

You're still trying to own the conversation."

This guy in my astronomy class just the other day

was like "I am totally into

"and supportive of seeing women in the sciences

in equal numbers."

It's like "Fuck you, asshole.

"We don't need your permission. Thanks.

Thanks so much."

Woman: Bean!

Bean!

What?

You didn't bring the orchid food back.

Shit.

Sorry.

Who's that in the hot tub with you?

Is that Sheila?

- No! - Sheila?

Honey, just go to bed.

Okay. Good night.

Um...

I have a couple of questions.

So tell me about your admissions essay.

Okay. So I have this notion...

Uh-huh.

That there is something connected

with...

the women thing and the Jew thing.

It's like phallus is to crucifix

as vagina is to Holocaust.

Uh-huh.

But you know, the thing

that we really hate in admission essays

is just a bunch of... of boring theory,

just theory... uh-uh.

Personal stuff?

That's always going to be the way to go.

Okay.

There's this thing with my family.

You know how my parent is trans.

I sure do.

They have this weird rift with their family

that I'm obsessed with right now.

No one talks to anyone else.

There's just, like, this giant chasm

of some kind of grief,

and I have just been thinking a lot about it these days.

So maybe there is something there.

I want to know about you and when you came out.

How old were you?

33.

How old are you now?

33.

Wow.

It's only been about a month for me.

Really fucking come out late in your family.

It's...

definitely something

that's been working its way...

to the surface.

Did you meet my cats?

[meow]

Yeah, I saw them.

Did you?

Yes.

[meow]

Psst psst psst psst.

[door closes]

She finally fell asleep in your bed.

She refused to get in her own.

Well, then why am I here? Why am I home?

I mean, I was gone, like, not even an hour.

What happened?

Because your daughter made me cry.

- That's what happened. - Mom, you...

She's a real bully.

You can't cry when you babysit.

Okay? You're the adult.

Well, tell that to her.

She really knows how to push buttons.

Honestly, honey,

I don't need another person in my life

making me feel like a complete failure.

Okay, can we just...

can we stop?

because you... My night is completely ruined.

Your night? What about my night?

Why do you even offer to babysit

when you hate it so much? [Sigh]

Because all my friends do it for their grandkids.

Okay. All right.

Well, that's a great reason.

I didn't tell you, but your father left me.

I'm alone again.

[sigh]

Good night, you two.

Maura. Maura. Sit down. Watch with us.

No.

- Oh, come on. - Please sit.

Have a seat, sweetheart. Yeah.

- What are you watching? - I don't know,

but that guy is going to get mauled by a bear.

- Sal: Mm-hmm. - Maura: Are these actors?

Sal: No. These are actually real people.

They get dropped into the wilderness

with, like, a box of crackers or some shit.

[chuckling]

Mm-mm.

[giggling]

I've missed this smell.

- Can I ask you a question? - Hmm?

Did you always date trans women?

Yeah, I did.

When I was younger,

I realized that I was trans-amorous.

I kind of explored it in secrecy, you know...

spank rags and...

and picking up girls on Santa Monica.

Then one day I realized

I didn't have to separate love and sex.

I'm glad that I can be honest now about who I am.

You're great.

Have you two... Have you...

Has Davina met your family?

Oh. No. You know, my family's all back east.

Mm.

You like women?

Oh, yes. I love women.

- Huh. - I've always loved women,

uh, my whole life.

I love every part of them from head to...

vagina.

I love vaginas.

There's no shame in that.

No.

??? I just kept hoping ???

??? I just kept hoping ???

??? The way would become clear ???

[purring]

[meow]

??? I spent all this time ???

??? Trying to... ???

Ahh.

I'm going to bed.

Oh.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

[purring]

I'm sorry. I'm wide awake.

Yeah, well, just grab a book.

Have a nice read.

And if you get cold,

there are more blankets down the hall.

[meow]

I bet those cats will keep you warm.

??? I spent all this time ???

[grunt]

??? Trying to figure out why ???

Good night.

??? Nobody on my side ???

[Sal, Davina chatter]

Davina: I missed you.

- I missed your eyes. - Really?

- I missed your face. - Yeah?

I missed your ears.

??? So please don't take this ???

??? Feeling ???

[thump]

Fucking shit. I'm sorry, babe.

??? Please don't take my feeling ???

??? I have found at last ???

??? Hey, if I wanted to ???

??? I'd be ???

??? All right ???

??? Now if I wanted to ???

??? I'd be ???

??? All right ???

??? Mm ???

[fingers snapping in rhythm]

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