Original subtitles

? What would you do if I sang out of tune? ?

? Would you stand up and walk out on me? ?

? Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song ?

? I will try not to sing out of key, yeah ?

? Oh, baby, I get by ? ? By with a little help from my friends ?

? All I need is my buddies ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ? -? Try with a little help from my friends ?

? Whoa-oa-oa-oa ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Somebody who knows quite sure ?

? Baby ?

? By with a little help from my friends ?

? Said I'm gonna make it with my friends ?

? Try with a little help from my friends ?

? Oh, I'm gonna keep on trying ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm gonna keep on trying now, baby ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

Genetics...

the heartbeat of heredity,

the linchpin of the family.

Parents supply their children

with the same basic building blocks,

the same blood types,

the same involuntary responses,

the same essential gene pool.

Yet, despite all this potential for similarity,

sometimes things get confused.

Sometimes, mother nature, in all her wry sense of humor,

goes off and creates...

Move, butthead.

Total and complete opposites...

Try to get some toothpaste in your mouth.

It might help, buttbreath.

Like me and my brother, Wayne.

It was hard to believe we ever occupied the same womb.

That's disgusting.

Where's the deodorant?

You haven't even showered yet.

Well, I'm dry-cleaning.

The only thing we had in common

was our complete and utter contempt for one another.

You're really gross. You know that?

So?

Wayne?

How many times I have to tell you to leave my things alone?

I'm sorry, Dad. Uh, it'll never happen again.

All in all, my brother and I

were just two different branches on the family tree...

me, the good branch,

Wayne, the dead end.

You got the wedding invitation, Norma?

It's in my beauty case, honey.

We should take route 93

through Hutsonville and avoid the traffic.

I can't believe that iris is finally getting married.

April 1972.

History was being made.

For the first time in our lives,

our parents were leaving us alone for the weekend.

To us, it meant freedom, independence...

Boys, the white casserole dish is for tonight,

and the cold cuts are for Saturday.

And, of course, instructions.

Right, Mom.

There's a list of chores on the fridge.

I want them done when we get back.

Right, Dad.

And, Wayne, don't leave your towels by the heater

while we're gone.

I won't!

You did last week, and look what happened.

- Well, I put it out! - Wayne!

Honey, we better go.

Yeah.

And you have the number where we'll be.

- Right, Mom. - Right, Mom.

And don't forget those chores.

And don't tie up the line in case we want to call you.

And I don't want a lot of kids over here

while we're gone this weekend.

- You got that? - Dad, we're not babies anymore.

We can take care of ourselves.

Well, in a manner of speaking, anyway.

Don't worry, Dad. I'll look after him.

[ Door closes ]

Not that, as loyal, loving children,

we weren't gonna miss our parents...

Dad?

Yeah?

You gonna give us any money?

[ Sighs ]

Here's a $20.

It's the smallest I got. Split it.

Thanks. -Are you sure you two boys are gonna be all right?

Yeah, Mom. Have a good time.

Yeah. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Engine turns over ] - Bye!

And with that...

Don't be late for school!

My parents were gone,

leaving us to defend the Arnold family fortress.

[ Sighs ] Well, I'm out of here.

Wait a minute. You're going to school early?

No. There's no school today. It's a holiday.

It's national parents-go-away day.

[ Chuckles ]

Ta-ta, scrote.

So much for defending the old fortress.

Hey! Hey, what about my money?

Wayne, you owe me 10 bucks!

Oh!

- Fresh out of change. - Wayne.

I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.

Don't wait up for me, honey.

And suddenly, for the first time in my life,

I found myself completely alone

with one empty house, two days to myself,

and nothing to do but...

I know! Let's have a party!

Head directly for trouble.

Come on, guys, my parents said they didn't want a lot of people there.

What people?

It's just us guys.

We just thought since you have a whole house to yourself,

you might want to take advantage of it.

What are we gonna do at my house?

Everything!

Hang out.

Stuff our faces.

Order pizza.

Stupid question.

Maybe we could get some beer.

Yeah! We can drink till our heads hurt!

Come on, Kev, it'll be great!

I don't know.

After all, certain rules had been set,

and nothing could be said to make me break them.

Look, guys, if Kevin's parents said

not to have anyone in the house,

then he shouldn't have anyone in the house.

Period.

Nothing, except that.

I didn't say that, Paul.

Great!

So, are we having a party or not?

Yeah, well...

Maybe we could do something.

Play poker, but just us guys.

Yeah, all right.

Like I said, I could handle this.

I was the responsible son, not like...

my brother, the slug.

Nice of you to get out of bed, butthead.

Shut up, troll. Besides, what's the hurry?

Well, for one thing, it's 11:00.

What? What, you have a plane to catch?

No, but Dad did leave some chores for us to do.

Oh.

Wax Wayne's car. [ Chuckles ]

That's not on the list, nimrod.

Yeah, well...

it is now.

There you go. [ Chuckles ]

Wayne, we have to get this stuff done!

Sorry. I made other plans.

Well, I made other plans, too, you know.

Like what?

Well... I'm having a party here tonight.

You're having a party? What are you gonna do, rent a pony?

No. Just some of the guys are coming over to play poker.

That's not a party. Th-that's a butthead convention.

Hold on, here.

Hey!

What are you doing tonight that's so great?

Well, it just so happens

there's a guy from north central who's having a beer blast,

so don't leave the light on for me.

Fine. I won't.

Hey, what did I care?

After all, I was gonna have a pretty wild time of my own...

- Whose bet is it? - I don't know.

Is there any more pizza?

Assuming your idea of a wild time

was an evening of never-ending boredom.

Ricky, come on, will you?

Don't rush me. I'm thinking.

I fold.

After all that, you fold?

I wasn't sure.

I don't believe this.

I'll raise.

I'll see you.

Randy, watch it, will you?

This is my Dad's good card table!

Yes, Mrs. Arnold!

You'll never be able to see it once it dries.

Man, this is the worst party I've ever been to.

You said it.

The thing was, they were right.

We had hit rock bottom.

Look, this was your idea in the first place.

If you guys know so much about having a great time,

well, what are you gonna do about it?

We could invite some girls.

Okay, possibly a mistake here.

Are you kidding?

It's 7:30 on a Saturday night.

How are we gonna get girls?

Uhhuh, well, I know it's late,

but, well, it's gonna be a lot of fun.

Um... His parents are out of town.

The first rule of sophomore boys...

if it's female, call it. If it answers, invite it.

Chuck.

Chuck!

I'm in your bio class.

No. Not Chuck Thorson.

Chuck Coleman.

But, um...

Chuck Thorson will be there.

Great. Uh, see you.

- What'd she say? -What'd she say? - What'd she say?

She's coming.

- Yes. - Great! -Cool!

And she's bringing her sister.

Hold the phone.

What?

A party was one thing.

A full-scale orgy was something else.

Chuck, wait a minute. I thought I said one girl each.

What was I supposed to do?

Tell her she couldn't come?

Yeah. Give him a break.

Okay.

But from now on, just one per guy, okay?

And from such tiny concessions...

My turn.

Do full-scale catastrophes grow.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hi, Kevin!

Hi, Alice!

Not that it started out so badly.

Hey, this is it! Are we here?

Who are they?

This is our brother, Charlie, his friend eddy,

eddy's cousin Deborah, and her best friend Carolyn.

I needed a ride.

Is that okay with you?

Well... -Hey, yeah. The more the merrier.

Come on in.

[ Indistinct talking ]

Yeah, sure.

Just make yourselves at home.

What's the matter, Kev?

Randy, I said a couple of people.

Now I got brothers and cousins and friends.

Come on, Kev, you gonna relax and have a good time, or not?

Well... Okay.

After all, how much worse could things get?

Hey, man. I-is there a party here?

Yeah. Come on in!

A lot worse.

[ Crash ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ "Judy In Disguise (With Glasses)" Plays ]

- Hi. - Hi.

Nice house.

By around 9:00, my modest get-together

was turning into a happening.

[ Doorbell rings ]

There were people I was glad to see...

Hi.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Those I was surprised to see...

[ Doorbell rings ]

And those I'd never seen before in my life.

? Judy in disguise ?

Still, I kept telling myself things were under control...

Nice.

Even though they weren't.

- Kev, great party. - What are you talking about?

This is a disaster!

I'll say it's a disaster.

And there, finally, a voice of reason in the crowd.

We're out of food!

What?

We're down to mayonnaise sandwiches.

Hey, why don't you go pick up some stuff?

That's a great idea.

Hey, no. Wait a minute! I never said you could...

really nice place, Kenny.

Uh, Kevin. Thanks.

I had only one fallback...

Hey, Arnie.

Damage control.

Hey!

You mind not putting the glasses on the piano?

Sure.

Here you go. Can you hold that for me?

No problem.

Okay, maybe I wasn't exactly the ideal host.

At least I was keeping a lid on things.

[ Fizzes ]

Hey, look what I found! A casserole!

But not only were matters getting out of hand...

Will you look at this!

Can you get your head out of there?

They were getting into the wrong hands.

Who are you?

Uh... I'm, uh, k-Kevin Arnold.

Who are you?

I'm a friend of Betsy Wagner.

Who's she?

[ Telephone ringing ]

And just when I thought things had reached rock bottom,

they went into negative numbers.

Shut up, everyone! I think it's my parents!

[ Music stops ]

[ Ringing continues ]

Hello?

[ Sighs ] Chuck, where are you?

[ Music resumes ]

Chuck, how could you leave your wallet on my dresser?

Shh! Keep your voice down.

I took it out when the girls came over.

Why?

'Cause it made my rear end look lumpy, all right?

Look, just hurry up, okay?

All I wanted to do was get back to my unprotected house

as soon as possible.

Okay, got candy...

Potato chips...

Some pretzels...

Crackers.

That'll be $2.64.

And, uh...

We'll, uh... we'll also take, uh...

we'll take this.

Chuck!

Don't worry, Kev! I'll pay for it!

You got an I.D. For that?

Sure. Sure.

"Richard Piedmont"?

Well, it's... it's Chuck for short.

27?

My mother smoked.

What year were you born?

April 22, 1945.

I live at 303 grant street. I weigh 166 pounds.

I have blue eyes, and I'm near-sighted.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ]

How did he know?

Well, maybe you don't look near-sighted, Chuck.

You know, next time I'm gonna squint.

Look, Chuck, let's just get out of here, okay?

Geez, Kev.

You're a little testy tonight. You know that?

Testy? I was fed up.

Look, Chuck, I've had it!

This whole thing has gotten completely out of control!

As a matter of fact, the minute I get home,

everyone's out of there, okay?

And that was that. Case closed.

Look! Beer!

A whole keg!

Yeah, we're going to a great party.

- You guys need a lift? - No.

Where is it?

It's about 10 blocks from here.

Some kid named, uh...

Arnold.

[ Siren wailing ]

[ "I want to take you higher" plays ]

A lot of things raced through my head

driving home that night...

things like arrest...

Imprisonment...

Death.

And this one goes out to all the guys and gals

partying tonight at Kevin Arnold's house.

? Don't ya want to get higher? ?

? Don't ya want to get higher? ?

? Baby, baby, baby, light my fire ?

But nothing, and I mean nothing

could have prepared me for what I saw.

I, Kevin Arnold,

had thrown the mother of all parties.

[ Rooster crows ]

It was 6:00 A.M. when the last guest left.

After three hours of cleaning,

I'd barely scratched the surface.

It was like trying to straighten up after Woodstock.

[ Vehicle approaches ]

Still... It wasn't the cigarette burns or the carpet stains

that worried me most.

Hey, butthead, are you home?

[ Door closes ]

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Shut up, Wayne.

[ Laughs ]

This is unbelievable.

Man, are you in trouble!

You think so?

[ Laughs ]

No doubt about it!

What am I gonna do?

Well, uh...

If it were up to me, I'd probably kill myself.

Wayne, you got to help me.

Hey, relax.

The folks don't get home till 4:00,

and that gives you about three hours

to get the place in shape.

What a comfort.

Wayne, where you going?

Aren't you gonna give me a hand?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm all booked up this afternoon.

Clearly, it was time for a last-minute desperate plea.

Wayne!

Wayne, come on. You got to help me.

You know, scrote,

I actually think this is gonna be good for you.

And I guess that's when I realized

Wayne Arnold... my brother, my own flesh and blood...

had the heart of a toadstool.

Fine.

If you don't want to help me, then I'll do it myself.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, I didn't need him. I didn't need anyone.

[ Horn honks ]

Except maybe a priest...

Or a registered nurse.

Boy... This really isn't your day.

Hi!

Thanks.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

You guys are home a bit early.

Well, you know your father.

Yeah, good old Dad.

Everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

How about you, Kev?

But somehow there were just no words to express it.

Well, I'm going in.

You boys bring in the luggage.

It's good to be home.

And so it came down to this...

a tragic end to the age of innocence,

a farewell to the era of parental trust.

Maybe they won't notice.

[ Laughs ]

The thing is, I was prepared for the yelling, the screaming,

the gnashing of teeth.

But what I wasn't prepared for was...

the complete and utter silence.

What happened?!

Well,maybe this was justice,

a payback for all the times I'd laughed at Wayne

when he got in trouble.

I don't believe this.

In any case, there was no way out.

Look, Dad, I-I know you're angry,

and you have every right to be, because...

Kevin, you stay out of this!

What?

Wayne...

how could you do something like this?

What?

No. Dad...

Wayne, I want an answer! I want an answer now!

'Course, he should have told.

It was the moment he had been waiting for his whole life.

I'm sorry.

It'll never happen again.

But he didn't.

I'm not sure why he didn't.

Maybe he saw it was futile to try and explain.

Maybe he knew how much harder

my parents would be on me than on him.

Or maybe he forgot and thought he really did it.

We'll talk about this later, Wayne.

Right now, start cleaning this mess up.

Or just maybe, for that one afternoon...

Wayne.

My brother saw in me a little bit of himself.

You know, you really are a butthead.

Growing up brothers is kind of a mixed bag...

strangers...

Warriors...

Enemies...

Idiots...

Friends.

One day, you fight to the death.

The next, you'll lay down your lives for each other.

I never did say thanks to Wayne for what he did.

But I washed his Corvair.

Waxed it, too.

I figured, hey, any guy who'd do a thing like that

deserved a shiny car.

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