Original subtitles

? What would you do if I sang out of tune? ?

? Would you stand up and walk out on me? ?

? Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song ?

? I will try not to sing out of key, yeah ?

? Oh, baby, I get by ? ? By with a little help from my friends ?

? All I need is my buddies ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ? -? Try with a little help from my friends ?

? Whoa-oa-oa-oa ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Somebody who knows quite sure ?

? Baby ?

? By with a little help from my friends ?

? Said I'm gonna make it with my friends ?

? Try with a little help from my friends ?

? Oh, I'm gonna keep on trying ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm gonna keep on trying now, baby ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

[ "The first Noel" plays ]

When you're a kid, it's simple.

Christmas is magic.

It's a time of miracles,

when reindeer can fly and frosty never melts.

Then you get older.

Somehow, things change.

The magic begins to fade...

Until something happens that reminds you,

at Christmastime...

[ Whistle blows ]

Miracles still can be found...

Happy holidays, men.

Sometimes in the most unexpected places.

In my grasp is a message from Richard Milhous Nixon.

Gentlemen, our chief executive has entrusted me,

as a physical educator,

to make sure you men are performing

at or above the national average.

[ Smack ]

The president's all-American physical fitness challenge.

[ Young men murmuring ]

I guess I don't have to tell you

this is an awesome responsibility, do I?

Arnold?

Uh... Yes, sir.

You don't...

H-have to tell us.

I didn't think so.

By December of 1970,

it was pretty clear Christmas meant nothing to coach Cutlip.

While most human beings were brimming with yuletide cheer,

he was brimming with...

Chin-ups. Sit-ups. The shuttle run.

[ Chalk tapping ] Various calisthenics.

And, of course...

[ Tapping continues ] The rope climb.

Face it...

the guy was scrooge in a baseball cap.

Ahchoo!

Scusi.

Okay, now.

Who wants to start?

[ Whistle blows ]

[ "Sleigh ride" plays ]

Not that it was anything new to us.

The pain, the exhaustion, the humiliation.

It was something we'd come to expect from the guy.

Come on, Doug, push.

Still, that year,

a new thought was forming

in our collective ninth-grade mind.

Cutlip's a raving lunatic!

He has absolutely no Christmas spirit.

He makes us dust the floor in front of the girls' gym class.

And Doug with his underwear hangin' out.

My underwear was showing?

Somebody ought to do something to that guy.

Hey, don't get me involved with this.

I got to play basketball for the guy.

It seemed Paul was about the only one of my colleagues

who had a real sense of reality.

What I wouldn't give just once to have something over Cutlip.

Yeah, take him down a peg.

Maybe we should talk to him.

Get real.

What?

You can't talk to the guy.

Cutlip's from another planet.

Men.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking you let me down.

Well... Don't give it a second thought.

There's always ma�ana.

Bottom line...

the guy was completely out of touch with humanity.

Okay, that's it.

I say we kill him.

But I wasn't gonna let my gym teacher

dampen my Christmas spirits.

There. That wasn't so bad, was it?

It was fine, Mom.

If I wanted my spirits dampened,

I had a Mom who was doing a fine job.

- You know what? - What?

We should get you a new tie, too.

No, Mom.

No ties.

I-I got the shoes. Enough's enough.

Kevin?!

Christmas seemed to trigger Mom's biological need

to buy formal-wear for her family.

[ Scoffs ]

Dad needs a tie. You should get Dad a tie.

Okay?

Well...

Meet me back in five minutes.

Shoes, ties, calisthenics.

It was beginning to seem like the whole world

was adrift in a quagmire of phony holiday spirit.

It made you wonder...

what ever happened to the magic?

Hohoho! Merry Christmas!

Step right up here, young lady!

? Sleigh bells ring ?

? Are you listening? ?

? In the Lane, snow is glistening ?

? A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight ?

? Walking in a winter wonderland ?

? Gone away... ?

Now, this was more like it.

In its own tacky way,

seeing those kids waiting at that Christmas mall display

made me remember what I'd been missing.

Up here, young man! Up on Santa.

? ...build a snowman ?

Maybe it was Santa's hearty laugh.

Maybe I was waxing nostalgic for my simpler youth.

Hohoho-ho!

So, Bobby, tell me,

what would you like from Santa for Christmas, huh?

Whatever it was, for the first time in years,

Saint Nick actually seemed familiar to me.

What's that?

A bike? Slow down, Bobby.

Ho-ho-ho-ho.

Like a long-lost Uncle who I couldn't quite place.

Ahchoo!

Scusi.

Cutlip?

Well, every young man should have...

? dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh... ?

It was horrible... worse than horrible.

The whiskers, the bells, the hat...

? laughing all the way ?

? Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits bright ?

Kind of a Christmas nightmare come true.

? ...ride and sing a sleighing song tonight ?

? Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells ?

? Jingle all the way ?

? Oh, what fun it is to ride ?

First time I'd ever seen a teacher outside of school,

and he had a pillow strapped to his stomach.

[ School bell rings ]

The next morning,

I tried to block the terrible image from my head.

I prayed I'd imagined the whole thing.

Uh, hi.

Morning, Arnold.

Mr. Cutlip?

How are you doing today?

Not bad.

I tried to read his expression.

Had he seen me? Had I really seen him?

Yourself?

Uh, great. Great.

Any adventures since last time I saw you, Arnold?

No.

Well, I did go shopping at the Brightlin Mall.

Brightlin Mall?

Uhhuh.

Never been there myself.

Don't get out that far.

Oh.

[ School bell rings ]

Ah.

See you in gym class, Arnold.

Uh, yeah, I'll be there.

Fine.

And then it was over.

I'd been mistaken.

Suddenly I felt full of holiday cheer again.

Merry Christmas, sir!

There are few things in life I'll always regret.

This was one of those things.

[ "Santa Claus is coming to town" plays as drill song ]

Listen up, men.

Starting today,

some of you are gonna have to work a little harder.

As I sat on that cold parquet floor,

I felt as if I were on death row.

We begin...

With the shuttle run.

I knew too much, and I was gonna have to pay the price.

Cornell, you're running first.

Then, Porter, you're up next.

And let's see...

Arnold.

Yes, sir?

He'd been saving me for last.

Who knew what kind of torture he had in store for me?

Grueling sit-ups, excruciating push-ups.

How 'bout you keep time?

[ Young men murmur ]

Sure.

Okay, the rest of you guys, up and at 'em.

And that's when I realized... knowledge was power.

All of a sudden, Christmas had come early.

It was wonderful.

Obstacles that you're going to have to overcome...

Unfortunately, not everyone shared my holiday spirit.

You're the first one up.

Come on, everybody, down this end of the gym!

[ Whistle blows ] Let's go!

Let's go! Move it!

[ Whistle blows ]

The next couple days in gym class,

my popularity was...

Hey, guys.

Hey!

Teacher's pet.

Not exactly at an all-time high.

We should just call you "Cutlip-in-training."

Oh, come on, guys, it's not like that.

Oh, yeah?

I'm one of you.

Pistachio, Arnold?

Red ones. [ Rattling ]

Uh...

Sure.

Keep the whole bag.

One of us, huh?

Seemed pretty clear something had to be done.

Mr. Cutlip?

[ Humming "deck the halls" ]

Mr. Cutlip?

Can I talk to you?

It's important.

In here.

Shoot.

Well...

I think we might have a little misunderstanding.

No misunderstanding. None at all.

Well...

I just want you to know that, even though I saw you as...

well... You know.

I appreciate you coming to me, Arnold.

You do?

Because I wanted to give you these.

Passes...

To get out of gym.

You're excused from the president's challenge.

Mr. Cutlip...

call me ed.

Listen... Sir,

I really don't want to get out of gym.

Playing hardball, huh?

What?

I'm on to your game now.

I've played a little ball in my life, too.

Capiche?

Uh, Mr. Cutlip, I...

say no more, Arnold.

[ School bell rings ]

Looks like it's class time for both of us.

Things were spiraling out of control.

There was no telling what a volatile guy like Cutlip

might do next.

Your wrist hurt from holding the stopwatch?

The walls were pushing in all around me.

Doug, this isn't my fault.

Yeah, right.

This is ridiculous.

Just 'cause I saw Cutlip working at the Brightlin Mall...

you what?!

Uh-oh.

Forget it.

You saw Cutlip in the mall?

Yeah, and now my life's ruined.

You happy?

You Kevin Arnold?

There it was... my summons to destiny.

It was time to face...

My executioner.

[ Knock on door ]

Sit down, Arnold.

I have something for you.

Okay.

He was probably reaching for a weapon, a gun.

Fruitcake. I picked it up at the mall.

20% employees' discount.

A fruitcake?

Just one of the many reasons I took the job...

As... Santa.

You know, Arnold,

to a man who's devoted his life to public education,

the opportunity to buy wholesale is nothing to laugh at.

[ Laughs ]

But I don't need to tell you that, do I?

No.

I don't think so.

May I go now?

There's another reason.

There is?

Esther Cutlip.

My mother.

The woman is a Saint.

Uhhuh.

I found myself hoping for the school bell to ring,

the sound of the buses pulling up,

anything to get out of there.

If it weren't for my support,

there's no telling the catatonic state

the woman might fall into.

That's nice, sir.

Tell me something, Arnold.

You ever been inside a Santa outfit?

Oh, my God.

We were crossing a line

teachers and students were never supposed to cross.

It was horrifying.

It's hot and it's sweaty...

look, Mr. Cutlip?

I don't really want to know what it's like.

Your discounts, your fruitcake, your mother...

that's none of my business, okay?

I'm not gonna tell anyone about you being Santa,

so let's just forget it.

Okay? It's forgotten.

Please.

Arnold...

Kids like me when I'm Santa.

And right then,

for the first time, as I looked at the man,

I actually saw a human being...

not a great human being,

maybe not even a good human being...

but a very lonely human being.

Your secret's safe with me, Mr. Cutlip.

[ Door closes ]

I headed home, feeling pretty good

about not having spilled the beans...

Until I remembered the beans had already been spilled.

Doug, you can't tell anybody what I told you before.

Oh. Okay.

You didn't, did you?

Well...

Only Randy.

So, um, what exactly does Cutlip do at the mall?

Forget it.

Does he sell orange Julius?

You got to tell us where he works, Kev.

- No way! - Well, we've got eyes.

We'll, uh, we'll just go find out for ourself.

Holy cow, these guys were serious.

The vultures were circling, and it was all my fault.

And right there, right then, I knew what I had to do.

[ Vacuum cleaner whirring ] Mom? Mom!

I need a ride to the mall.

Oh, sorry, honey, I was just about to start dinner.

I needed a plan...

something foolproof, something Mom-proof.

I want to get that tie.

[ "Frosty the snowman" plays ]

I hope they still have the paisley.

Mom, can we split up for a little while?

Only after we get the tie.

[ Indistinct talking ]

But I knew Cutlip's lynch mob would wait for no neck-wear.

Kevin?

There was no time to lose.

I had to beat those guys to center court,

no matter what the obstacles.

Oof!

[ Train bell dings ]

[ Train whistle blows ]

Hey, hey, hey! Got to wait your turn.

Yeah, but this is important. I know him!

That's what they all say.

You're a fine boy.

Santa's going to give you whatever you want.

Ho-ho-ho!

Mommy! Anything I want!

Arnold.

? Gone away is the bluebird ?

What are you doing here?

Well... I-I...

you're not gonna sit on my lap, are you?

- No. - Good.

You'd be too old. You realize that?

Yeah.

Mr. Cutlip, I... - shh!

Call me Santa!

I came to say I'm sorry.

- Sorry? - Yeah.

There's a bunch of guys from class coming to look for you.

[ Train whistle blows ]

I kind of let it slip about you working at the mall.

You didn't.

So you probably should hide out in your shack

till this whole thing blows over.

? ...conspire as we dream by the fire ?

[ Indistinct talking ]

Here they came, the hounds to the kill.

There was only one option... head for the chimney.

No can do, Arnold.

What?

Let them come if they must.

I am who I am.

? Hallelujah! ?

? Hallelujah! ?

? Hallelujah! ?

I'll always remember that look on his face.

He was at once heroic and stupid.

? Hallelujah! ?

Move along, Arnold.

? For the lord God... ?

There was nothing more I could do.

The die was cast. It was Santa's last stand.

? Hallelujah! ?

? For the lord... ?

It's Arnold! Come on!

[ Train whistle blows ]

- Look, guys... - Where is he, Kev?

Might as well tell us.

Forget it!

Fine. We're just gonna have to find him ourselves.

Come on, guys, split up.

I stood there, helpless, outnumbered.

And that's when it happened.

Doug Porter looked first,

directly into the eyes of the man

who'd taught him gym for three long years.

Then Tommy Kisling looked, too, and Randy Mitchell.

Those three skeptics gazed straight at that white beard,

dead into the eyes of coach Cutlip

not 30 feet away.

But all that they saw...

Was Santa Claus.

Come on, guys. Let's keep looking.

It was a miracle.

He stood there like some patron Saint

of all the lonely people holidays sometimes forget.

? Silent night ?

? Holy night ?

? All is calm ?

? All is bright ?

All right. Who's next to see Santa?

And for that brief moment of Christmas magic,

ed Cutlip got his chance to be what he always wanted.

Your brother's here?

Well, bring him up at the same time.

I'll talk to both of you at the same time.

What a fine-looking family you come from.

? Sleep in heavenly peace ?

? Sleep in heavenly peace ?

And I never gave him away.

? Holy night ?

Hohoho! Merry Christmas!

? All is bright ?

? 'Round yon... ?

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