Original subtitles

? What would you do if I sang out of tune? ?

? Would you stand up and walk out on me? ?

? Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song ?

? I will try not to sing out of key, yeah ?

? Oh, baby, I get by ? ?By with a little help from my friends ?

? All I need is my buddies ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ? -?Try with a little help from my friends ?

? Whoa-oa-oa-oa ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Somebody who knows quite sure ?

? Baby ?

? By with a little help from my friends ?

? Said I'm gonna make it with my friends ?

? Try with a little help from my friends ?

? Oh, I'm gonna keep on trying ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm gonna keep on trying now, baby ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

[ Insects chirping ]

- [ laughs ] - Okay. Give me an adjective.

Uh, "stupid." no... "slimy."

You already used "slimy."

Okay. Then... "smelly."

"smelly." this is gonna be a good one.

The best part of having a best friend

Is knowing there's someone who really understands you.

Paul Pfeiffer and I shared

More than just the laughs and the Oreos.

Great! [ Laughs ]

Come on.

Truth or dare?

Um, truth.

We shared confidences.

I never really told anybody this,

But I kind of like Debbie Ackerman.

No. Not good enough. Everybody likes Debbie Ackerman.

[ Sighs ] okay.

Um, okay, okay. Here's one.

Once, when I was 9, I snuck up into our attic,

And I saw Mrs. Anderson sunbathing next door.

[ Sighs ]

With her top off.

No way.

Oh! I don't believe it!

Okay. Your turn.

Okay.

You know that fire alarm that went off Thursday,

Fourth period?

Mmhmm.

[ Clears throat ]

No way!

Yes way.

You're lying.

You don't think I'd do that?

Look me in the eye and say you'd do that.

In a lot of ways, Paul knew me better than I knew myself.

And he wouldn't hesitate to remind me if I ever forgot.

- [ chuckles ] - I knew it.

It was a tried-and-true relationship.

All right. Come on. Let's get some shut-eye.

[ Sighs ]

But like all relationships...

- [ snoring ] - Paul?

Sometimes it got a little stale.

- [ snoring ] - Paul!

[ "The Addams Family" theme playing ]

? Nana-na-na ?

? Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na ?

? Na-na-na-na ?

Ding-dong!

? Na-na-na-na ? [ clicks tongue ]

? Na-na-na-na ? zih! Zing!

- Paul! - Huh?

I'm trying to watch. Do you mind?

Hey, it's a free country.

Yeah, but it's my house! And I want you to knock it off!

[ Music continues ]

When Paul and I reached

A familiar deadlock of stagnation,

There was generally one agreed-upon solution.

[ knock on door ]

Hey, guys! What's happening?

Doug Porter.

[ music continues ]

He was the most agreeable kid we'd ever met.

All right! Boardwalk! How much is it?

It's 400 big ones.

Yeah. That's pretty expensive, Doug.

You sure you want to buy it?

Yeah. I mean, look how much it costs to put hotels on.

[ Indistinct talking on television ]

Well, maybe you're right.

Your turn. You got doubles.

Doug's blandness was like buttered toast

To an upset stomach.

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

But so long as he got to be the car in monopoly,

He was happy.

And we were happy to have his company...

[ imitates tires screeching ]

In small doses.

Doubles again! Boy, today's my lucky day.

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

Uh, I think that's about it for me, guys.

Huh? But...

Sorry, guys. I got to get home.

You know, stuff to do.

Oh. Well, I'll see you, Paul.

Yeah. See you later.

[ Door closes ]

You want to play again?

Nah. I got a lot of homework to do.

Okay. Well, um, maybe I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, maybe. See ya.

Yep, three games of monopoly

Was just about the limit with Doug.

After that...

Paul?

You called?

Hoops?

You're on, sucker!

[ Both laugh ]

We never felt wonderful about ditching the guy.

But it was nothing personal.

Doug was just kind of odd man out,

Whereas Paul and I were in for the long haul.

[ door closes ]

[ Sighs ]

Until that day when the haul got just a tad too long.

All right. Here's the deal. Okay.

I'll give you my Marichal and the Tiant...

For your McCovey and...

No, no, no. McCovey's off the table.

Oh, come on, Paul! Be reasonable!

Iam being reasonable. McCovey is off the table.

- [ Sighs ] - Unless...

You're willing to think about your Williams.

Oh, you can't be serious!

Willie McCovey for Ted Williams?

That's an insult!

The McCovey trade. A common impasse.

We'd been through this a hundred times before.

All right. I'll tell you what.

You got the Marichal, the Tiant,

And I'll throw in a Don Schwartz.

Don Schwartz?

You've been trying to pawn that Schwartz off on me for years.

When are you gonna give up on the Don Schwartz already?

What's it gonna take, Paul?!

McCovey is off the table.

Paul, just bend a little on this one, huh?

How about you bend a little?

[ Groans, sighs ]

But the fact was, that day, I was tired of bending.

I was tired of the endless effort

Spent hammering out compromise.

What's the matter with you, anyway?

Nothing's wrong with me. What's the matter with you?

Sometimes you're so weird.

- I heard that! - What?

You called me a weirdo!

All right. Fine!

I called you a weirdo! Satisfied?

I'm a weirdo?

I'm a weirdo?!

Hey, I'm not the one with cartoon figures

On my pillowcase!

What was this? A slanderous personal attack?

What did you say?

I said at least I don't have cartoon figures

On my pillowcase!

Yeah?

Well, at least I don't have stuffed animals on my bed!

Oh, yeah?

Well, at least I don't have the hots for Winnie Cooper.

Okay. That did it.

That's a lie.

Look me in the eye and say it's a lie.

I looked him in the eye, all right.

But all I saw was a knee-jiggling,

Spaghetti-slurping, gum-cracking twerp.

Of course I'd never say so.

Well, at least I'm not an ugly four-eyed jerk

That nobody likes.

[ Cards scatter ]

Total butthead!

Loser!

[ Door slams ]

Years of suppressed frustration

Had finally reared their ugly head.

[ groans ]

I was sick of it.

Why did it always have to be so difficult?

Why did it have to require so much effort?

Why couldn't it be more like...

[ knock on window ]

Hey, you busy?

Come on in!

Now, under normal circumstances,

A visit to Doug Porter's house

Would have weighed in just under the dentist's office.

Mom! Kevin Arnold's here!

These, however, were not normal circumstances.

And this was definitely not a normal bedroom.

Mom!

Hello, Kevin.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Porter.

Doug has told me so much about you.

It's about time you came to visit.

Heck. Maybe she was right. It was about time.

Why don't I put these down right here?

Can I get you boys something to drink?

Sure, Mom. Um...

How about yoo-hoo? You like yoo-hoo?

Well, if it's all right with...

Whatever you like, Kevin.

Yoohoo sounds great.

Yoohoo it is.

[ Fanfare plays ]

And suddenly I felt like visiting royalty.

Kev, want a gum ball?

Yeah. This was more like it.

What color?

Uh, how about red?

Red's definitely the best.

Here was a guy who would listen to what I had to say.

Okay. Hold out your hands.

A guy who treated me with a little respect.

Here they come!

[ Gum balls rattling ]

A fella who appreciated me.

Ha!

Unlike some ingrates I knew.

[ clears throat ]

What's going on between you and Paul?

Why don't you ask him?

I did.

He says you've really changed.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look, I probably shouldn't get in the middle of this,

But he says you've said some pretty mean stuff.

All right, so the four-eyes remark

Was a little over the top.

I was man enough to admit it.

Well, he said some stuff of his own, too, you know.

[ Sighs ]

All I know is you guys are really good friends.

You shouldn't be fighting.

So what do you want me to do about it?

Just be nice if he's nice.

Okay?

"Be nice if he's nice"?

What was this, "Romper Room"?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Still, there it was... that old goofy smile.

Aw, heck, if he was willing to make the first move,

Well, I guess I could leave the porch light on for him.

Hey!

Hey, man! Take a seat!

God, I thought this day would never end!

Same here.

Brady Ryland?

Paul was hanging out with Brady Ryland?!

Pbht! Talk about desperate!

Ryland was a total...

Hey, Kev! This seat taken?

Loser.

Look at that. Really pathetic.

[ laughs ]

[ laughs loudly ]

Who was Paul trying to fool?

He wasn't having fun.

I was having fun.

Okay. Who do you want for your McCovey?

I don't know. Um...

Yep, I was hanging out in the heart of fun central.

How about this one?

Doug, that's a don Schwartz.

Great!

No. No. This is a terrible trade.

Sorry.

There was just one problem.

With Paul, everything had been a struggle.

With Doug, I pushed, and he fell over.

What if I throw in Willie Mays to sweeten it up a little?

No, Doug. You're missing the point.

You have to bargain a little bit.

Well, all right. Okay.

I'll throw in Mays and Johnny Bench.

It was like trying to give spine to Jell-O.

Okay. Let's forget about trading for right now.

What do you want to do?

I don't care. What do you want to do?

Isn't there anything you want to do?

We could eat some more.

It took about two hours

To realize the mission was impossible.

How about some tiddlywinks?

Tiddlywinks?

Doug was looking desperate.

Nothing could salvage this relationship,

Short of...

How about we fly my Dad's model airplane?

Did he say airplane?

[ engine buzzing, up-tempo march playing ]

Okay. I knew it was wrong.

Still, flying Mr. Porter's

Incredibly expensive radio-controlled airplane

Might be just the opportunity

For me and Doug to forge a new bond.

Or so I told myself.

Doug, are you sure you've done this before?

All the time.

Watch. I can make it do loop-de-loops.

[ Engine buzzing ]

Isn't that cool?

Sure. Cool. But foolhardy.

Listen, I think...

But hold on. What have we here?

Old Paul just happens to ride by?

On Doug's street?

I think not.

Well, two can play this game.

Doug, come on. Let me have a shot at those controls, huh?

Okay, but you got to be real careful.

The stick on the left makes it go up and down.

Yeah, all right, all right. I know, I know.

Looks like fun, doesn't it?

Well, read 'em and weep, Pfeiffer.

Tell me... who's in the driver's seat now?

Kev! Look out!

Holy cow!

My Dad is gonna kill me.

Uh, it won't be that bad, Doug.

No. You don't know my Dad.

H-his eyes bulge out like... like boiled eggs,

And... and h-his forehead starts sweating,

And he scratches his neck like he's gonna rip his skin off!

Look, Doug, just concentrate on what you're doing, okay?

You're not mad, are you?

I wasn't mad.

I was just tired... of Doug, of the whole mess.

It was time to put an end to this.

Time to make a clean break.

[ wood creaking ]

Doug, I think that...

Whoa!

[ Branch snaps ]

[ Thud ]

[ Groans ]

But speaking of clean breaks...

[ indistinct conversations ]

Gee, it looks great, Kev.

33 ding dongs, 2 gallons of yoo-hoo,

And one radio-controlled airplane

Had brought me to this.

I was a prisoner of guilt.

Can't wait to show it to everybody.

Yeah. Sure.

My only consolation was there were at least

Two other Kevins in our class.

Hey, everybody! Kevin Arnold signed my cast!

Doug! Doug! No. Please.

Sorry.

Kevin?

Paul has a message for you.

He does?

What was this?

A little thaw in relations?

A possible break in the impasse?

Whoa! What happened?!

Oh, I fell out of a tree.

I had to wear one like that for two months last year.

The itching drove me nuts!

Tell me about it.

I've lost two plastic forks down there already.

- Try a ballpoint pen. - Excuse me.

Was there some reason you came over here in the first place?

Not that I couldn't guess. [ chuckles ]

Look at him.

Sitting there, reminiscing about the good times,

Waiting for me to give him the nod.

Oh, yeah. Paul says he wants his baseball cards back.

He said what?

Well, I'll see you guys around.

Okay. That ripped it. Once and for all!

Say, Kev, I-I was thinking...

I couldn't believe it.

The little weasel had sent his lapdog to do his dirty work?

The nurse said I should find someone to help me...

You know, do stuff for me around school.

He couldn't treat me like that.

Well, I was wondering if you thought it was a good idea.

Yeah. Sure.

So this was what it came to.

Stabbed in the back by someone

Who used to call himself my... ha!... Best friend!

Great! Then you'll do it?

What?

What was this guy talking about?

Well, you know, um, carry my books,

Help put on my Jacket,

And maybe you could even help me with my homework.

Doug!

Was he nuts? Help him with his homework?

Hadn't I been humiliated enough?

Who'd he think I was, anyway?

Well, you are my best friend.

Aren't you?

Look, number one, I'm not your best friend, okay?!

And number two, carry your own stupid books!

Kev?

There. That felt better.

Much better.

That night, I had a dream.

[ owl hoots ] more like a nightmare.

You want milk duds? You want yoo-hoo?

You want doughnuts?

How about Son Balls? How about Twinkies?

If I give you Twinkies, would you be my best friend?

Doug!

Aah! Kev!

Doug?!

- Kev! - Stop!

- Help! - Doug!

Doug!

Doug!

Doug! Come back!

[ Breathing heavily ]

I felt awful. What had I done?

Doug did kind of look up to me.

And the truth is, I had acted, well, badly.

There was only one right thing to do.

[ doorbell rings ]

Oh, hi, Kevin.

Is Doug around?

I'm sorry.

H-he can't come to the door right now.

Is there something you wanted?

Well, uh...

I could tell by her look that I'd all but crushed him.

The least I could do was show some class.

It's a don Schwartz.

He likes don Schwartz.

I'll make sure he gets it.

Well, there you had it.

Poor Doug. I'd let him down.

I could almost see him... alone in his room,

Trying to figure out what he'd done wrong,

Lamenting his fate...

[ Doug laughing ]

Or having the time of his life with Brady Ryland.

As I stood outside that window,

I watched the easy give-and-take

Of two new friends.

And I realized something...

Doug porter was no longer the odd man out.

It was me.

But I guess in a way we're all odd men out...

Until we find a match that makes us even,

Someone who challenges us to be our best,

Someone who understands us, even at our worst.

I was beginning to appreciate how rare a thing that was.

Hey.

I wanted to tell him I was a better person for knowing him,

That I hoped our friendship would endure

The trials of a lifetime.

Well... See ya.

Yeah. See ya.

But I knew he understood.

[ Insects chirping ]

I was thinking about that McCovey trade.

Yeah?

Well, maybe I could do it for the Marichal and the Tiant.

Paul, come on. It's a bad trade.

Well, come on, Kevin.

I really think I want that Tiant.

I mean, I've wanted it for a long time.

For McCovey? Come on.

Come on. Don't be such a jerk about it.

I want to make the trade!

I can't do it, Paul. It's stupid.

Oh, so now you're calling me stupid?!

[ Dog barks ]

McCovey is off the table.

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