Original subtitles

? What would you do if I sang out of tune? ?

? Would you stand up and walk out on me? ?

? Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song ?

? I will try not to sing out of key, yeah ?

? Oh, baby, I get by ? ? By with a little help from my friends ?

? All I need is my buddies ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ? -? Try with a little help from my friends ?

? Whoa-oa-oa-oa ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Somebody who knows quite sure ?

? Baby ?

? By with a little help from my friends ?

? Said I'm gonna make it with my friends ?

? Try with a little help from my friends ?

? Oh, I'm gonna keep on trying ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm gonna keep on trying now, baby ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

When you're a little boy, you don't have to go very far

To find the center of your universe.

Mom.

? Your mother should ?

She's always there.

It's a pretty good arrangement...

When you're 5.

But around age 13, there starts to be... A problem.

Kevin?

Mom, I'm in the bathroom!

The problem is, she's always there.

Is everything okay, honey?

Mom!

And I mean always.

Just checking.

Now, a Mom's got to be a Mom, but a guy's got to be a guy.

And when an irresistible force meets an immovable object,

Sooner or later, something's got to give.

Hike!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

No-equipment football.

We'd been playing it in shepherd's park every afternoon

Since the cool weather set in.

Sure, maybe it looked like mayhem and violence.

But to us, it was something more. I got it!

Get him!

It was mayhem, violence, and dirt,

The stuff laundry commercials are made of.

I got it!

All right!

Hey, Pfeiffer, how many sweatshirts you wearing?

Hey, I need 'em, okay?

That wind really cuts through you like a knife.

Sure it was reckless.

- But nobody got hurt. - Doug?

Much.

Is he breathing?

I think so.

Are you breathing, Doug?

[ Coughs ]

I think he's hurt.

Maybe we should stop.

Nah. He just got the wind knocked out of him.

He's all right.

Yeah. I'm all right.

Oh. Good.

[ Grunts ]

Hey, Arnold, we want revenge.

Next play's gonna be a blitz.

Fine! Come on. Let's huddle.

Um, Kev, I-I'm gonna go get another sweatshirt.

It was a game you had to love.

Uhh...

- Break! - Break! -Break! -Break!

No rules. No referees.

Blue! 26!

- No one to answer to. - Blue! 26!

Hut, hut, hut!

A thing of beauty.

But then, maybe beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Kevin, is that blood on your shirt?

Uh...

Not that I had anything to hide, of course.

It's just that... well, you know how Moms are.

I don't think so. Uh... It's ketchup.

Ketchup?

Yeah.

How did you get that blood on your shirt?

It's not blood!

Not mine, anyway.

It's ketchup, okay?

Well, how'd you get the ketchup on your shirt?

At lunch today.

We had fish sticks.

Sure. That's it. Fish sticks.

Well, that's odd.

It says here that Tuesday's pizza day at school.

Boy,nothing slipped past this woman.

Did I say fish sticks?

I'm sorry. Fish sticks was yesterday.

This is, uh, pizza sauce.

Oh.

There! Neatly done.

Thereby avoiding any needless discussions about...

So, I heard, uh, Doug porter got creamed

At your football game today, huh?

Football?

Is that tackle football?

Great. Now the fat was in the fire.

Commence grilling.

[ sizzling ]

Well, Mom, you know, I-it's... it's not really tackle.

Who are you playing tackle football with?

Just some friends.

- At school? - At the park.

- You have a coach? - A coach?

Well, don't you think something like that

Should be supervised?

[ Sizzling ]

Football is totally barbaric.

This discussion was moving in the wrong direction.

I had to take action, and fast.

Look, Mom, there's nothing to worry about, okay?

It's no big deal.

Trust me!

Of course I trust you, honey.

I just don't want anyone to get injured.

[ Scoffs ] injured.

No one's gonna get injured, Mom.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

At least not permanently.

Geez, Paul! Where were you?

I told you I was gonna lateral to you!

Well, I tripped.

This is a very poor playing surface.

Hey, randy, you okay?

Yeah.

Hey, Kev, isn't that your Mom's car?

Yeah.

Funny. She'd never driven by here before.

Okay. Your ball.

First and 10.

Still, Mom would never spy on me.

So she probably had... Some other reason.

Instinct... the biological imperative.

What makes this salmon fight her way through hostile currents,

Only to lay her eggs and die, her energy spent?

Maybe she was picking up your Dad's dry-cleaning.

Huh?

Your Mom.

This courageous mallard, facing certain annihilation,

Defends her young against a venomous predator.

[ Ducklings chirping ]

I just hope she doesn't talk to my Mom.

Look, Paul, it's no big deal, okay?

At least I hoped not.

Ever vigilant of our harsh and murderous environment,

A cougar drags her cub to safety.

Okay, but if you think we should stop playing...

Hey, it was just a suggestion.

Look, we're not doing anything wrong, okay?

I just hate to think what my Mom would do to me

If she found out.

What are you so afraid of?

[ Sighs ]

Of course, there are cases of instinct gone berserk.

[ Chick squawking ]

[ Gull squawks ]

And then...

[ horn honks ]

Hey, Kev, it's your Mom.

Wait a minute.

This was starting to get embarrassing.

Look, I'll be right back, okay?

You're coming with us?

Yeah, yeah. I'll just be back in a minute.

Hop in.

Why?

I'm gonna take you shopping.

Shopping?

Yeah. There's a sale over at boy's town.

[ Bell rings ]

And suddenly, I was hearing alarm bells.

Look, uh, ma, I'm gonna take the bus today.

See? The guys are waiting.

I think you need new pants.

Uh, look, Mom, the pants I have are fine, okay?

I-I don't need new pants!

I mean, they fit great. They're stylish.

I just don't need new pants.

There. Phew!

I was finally getting through.

I think you need new pants.

[ Martha & the Vandellas' "Nowhere To Run" plays ]

? Nowhere to run to, baby ?

? Nowhere to hide ?

Boy, tell one lousy little fib about pizza on your shirt,

And what do you get?

Pants.

? Ooh, ooh ?

? It's not love that I'm running from ?

? It's the heartache I know will come ?

Still, if that's what Mom needed to square accounts,

It was fine with me.

I could take it.

? Everywhere I go, your face I see ?

? Every step I take, you take with me ?

How do they fit?

Fine. We'll take 'em.

I'm not so sure.

They seem awfully roomy in the crotch.

Gee, Mom, could you say it a little louder?

I'm not sure everyone in the store heard.

Attention, shoppers. Attention, shoppers.

Plenty of room in Kevin Arnold's crotch!

There. That wasn't so bad, was it?

Pure living hell.

But I'd survived.

The debt was paid, Mom was happy,

And tomorrow was a whole new ball game.

Oh, I guess it's too late.

For what?

Buster brown's.

You're gonna need shoes to go with all those new pants.

We'll just have to go tomorrow.

And then, in a flash, everything was horribly clear.

Mom was going to take me shopping in the afternoon

For the rest of my life.

Look, Mom, I have a football game tomorrow.

Yeah. Well, we can talk about that later.

Unh-unh.

We were gonna have this out right here, right...

[ tires screech ]

- [ Gasps ] - [ Grunts ]

Honey, are you okay?

It's a tough time in life

When you're struggling for manhood

And your mother still outweighs you by 50 pounds.

I was left with only one option...

Call in the heavy artillery.

Dad? We've got to talk.

Huh?

No one had ever actually spoken to my father

Before he put down his briefcase.

But I was going for broke.

Can you think of one good reason

Why I shouldn't be able to play football with the other guys?

I mean, I bet you played football without any equipment

When you were a little kid,

And I've been playing for a very long time now,

And nothing's ever really happened.

And the guys are really counting on me to play tonight.

So?

So can we play or not?

Sure. Go ahead.

Touchdown!

I don't think it's a good idea, Jack.

You heard your mother.

Okay.

That did it!

So, I'll pick you up at school tomorrow,

And we'll go for those shoes.

The lines were drawn.

The course was unalterable.

Okay, honey?

This was war.

[ bugle plays charge call ]

[ Sander whirring ]

[ Whirring stops ]

Hey, Arnold. Nice pants.

Oh, thanks, Hodges. Nice of you to notice.

You missed a good game yesterday.

Yeah. Paul set a new record...

Most dropped passes in a scrimmage.

Where were you, anyway?

Oh, uh...

I had to help my Dad

Change the plugs on the, uh, impala.

You know, you got to keep her runnin'.

I didn't think "bargain-hunting with Mom"

Would go over very well.

Yeah? Uh, you check all the gaps?

Uh...

Yeah.

How'd you get your fingernails so clean?

You know, usually it takes me a couple days...

So, uh, did you guys win?

Oh, no. We lost. We could've used you, too!

Jimmy's Mom wouldn't let him play.

Can you believe that?

What a wuss.

You'll be there tonight, though, won't you?

Oh. Sure.

All right.

Well, this'll do.

Did you use the lava or the...

Look, Paul, I got to get back to work, okay?

Time to meet your maker.

Well, that was it... decision time.

Mom has specifically given me an order...

Meet her in front of the school at the bell.

Or had she said "meet me at home"?

Mom?

I'm home.

Hey, Mom?!

Hmm, that's odd.

Anybody home?!

Not like Mom to forget, but hey, we all make mistakes.

Yep, no sense in laying blame...

Especially while there was still daylight left.

Pfeiffer, you're late.

Am I?

You guys didn't start without me, did you?

Of course. Wouldn't be a big-league game without you.

Guys... humiliating each other,

Hurting each other's feelings.

Did it get any better than this?

[ horn honks ]

[ Brakes squeak ]

Uh-oh. Caught red-handed.

There was only one thing to do...

Go on the offensive.

? Kevin! ?

Mom!

Kevin, what are you doing here?

Well...

I specifically told you

To meet me in front of your school at 3:00.

I forgot.

You forgot?

Yeah.

How could you just forget, Kevin?

Well, I thought you said

Meet me in front of the house after school.

That's really what you thought I said?

Well, I'm not exactly sure whether you said that or not.

Aw, heck, the woman knew what underwear I was wearing.

Why did I even try to fight it?

Well, I suppose we still have time to make it to the store.

No!

I'm not coming, Mom.

What?

I'm playing football.

Now, I thought we agreed you weren't gonna play anymore.

No, I never said that, Mom!

What do you have against football, anyway?

You know, Doug porter shouldn't be playing football.

He has bladder problems.

Bladder problems?

How did she know that?!

Was there a secret network of Moms

Who traded inside information about bladders

Over bridge tables and grocery carts?

I just worry about you, sweetheart.

Don't you have anything better to do, Mom?

I mean, just stop babying me. I can take care of myself.

Well, if you're gonna go...

Go.

[ Sighs ]

[ Engine turns over ]

And then I was free.

I was higher than a kite.

Get him!

I was unstoppable.

Come on! Come on!

Touchdown!

Touchdown! Whoo-hoo!

Okay. New game.

Hey, it's getting kind of late.

Yeah. I-it's getting cold. Is anyone cold?

Arnold?

New game.

Losers walk.

Let's go.

Hey, Kev, you think this is a good idea?

Oh, come on, Paul. Don't be such a wuss.

Whoops. Maybe that was a little rough.

Hey, sorry. I didn't mean that.

It's okay.

But heck, let's face it. I was feeling my oats.

Are you ready?

Yep, I'd fought a battle and I'd won.

Things were gonna be different from now on.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Yeah, things were gonna be all right.

And then it hit me.

Actually, Craig Hobson hit me.

And Randy Mitchell.

[ grunts ]

And Mike Donovan.

[ grunts ]

After that, I kind of stopped taking names.

[ breathing heavily ]

Man! That was amazing!

Come on, guys. Get off.

Kevin?

You're bleeding.

Okay. Your ball. First down.

Okay. All right. This game is over.

Says who?

Says me.

This game is called on account of darkness.

And that's all. There's nothing else to say.

Now, everyone just go home.

Go on.

He's probably right. It's getting late.

Yeah. I got dinner.

We'll do it again tomorrow.

What are you, his mother?

[ Owl hooting ]

Hey, wait a minute!

I-I'm all right, guys!

Where are you going?!

I'm...

Fine...

But I wasn't. Not really.

By the time I got home, my hand felt like a five-alarm fire.

[ dog barking in distance ]

[ Door closes ]

Kevin, are you hurt?

I wanted to answer "yes,"

That I was hurt, that I needed comfort.

No, Mom.

I'm okay.

And I knew she wanted to comfort me,

To make everything better.

Well, there's some iodine

In the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.

Gauze if you need something to wrap it in.

In the medicine cabinet?

Mmhmm.

Every war has its casualties and every victory its price.

But life goes on.

Nothing really changed that night.

Nothing big, anyway.

Just a very little piece

Of something that was never gonna be the same.

Not ever.

The thing is, it's hard to tie a bandage with just one hand.

Sooner or later, though...

You learn.

[ Joni Mitchell's "The Circle Game" plays ]

? Yesterday a child came out to wander ?

? Caught a dragonfly inside a jar ?

? Fearful when the sky was full of thunder ?

? And tearful at the falling of a star ?

? And the seasons, they go 'round and 'round ?

? And the painted ponies go up and down ?

? We're captive on the carousel of time ?

? We can't return ?

? We can only look behind from where we came ?

? And go 'round and 'round and 'round ?

? In the circle game ?

? Then the child moved ten times 'round the seasons ?

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