Original subtitles

? What would you do if I sang out of tune? ?

? Would you stand up and walk out on me? ?

? Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song ?

? I will try not to sing out of key, yeah ?

? Oh, baby, I get by ? ? By with a little help from my friends ?

? All I need is my buddies ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ? -? Try with a little help from my friends ?

- ? Whoa-oa-oa-oa, yeah ? - ? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

[ Choir vocalizing ]

Some people pass through your life,

And you never think about them again.

Some you think about and wonder,

"what ever happened to them?"

Dentist, maybe.

Gossip columnist.

No... divorce lawyer.

Some you wonder if they ever wondered what happened to you.

And then there are those...

You wish you never had to think about again.

But you do.

[ whistle blows ]

All right. Over here. Form up in two lines.

What's this all about?

Beats me.

Today, people, and all this week,

We'll be studying unit seven

Of your physical-education curriculum handbook.

Unit seven.

It smacked of romance.

Faraway places.

Unit seven.

Square dancing.

Square dancing?!

What is it?

What can it do for you?

Is this dorky, or what?

Definitely dorky.

I mean, come on! Square dancing?

What, in case we ever crash-landed in the Ozarks?

[ whistle blows ]

On the other hand, it might have its finer aspects.

[ young women giggling, indistinct conversations ]

Yep. Nothing wrong with a little square dancing.

All right, listen up.

Now that the ladies have joined us,

We're going to assign partners for the week.

[ Clears throat ]

Finlan... And Bryce.

Step to the center.

This was critical.

We were being matched for a week.

In seventh-grade terms,

That translates to about 11 years.

Kasimir and... Reeve.

God, I sure hope I don't get a loser.

I know what you mean.

Pfeiffer and... Gambowski.

- Yes! - [ Wolf whistles ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Okay. So, Paul had hit the Jackpot.

I wasn't worried.

Still plenty of fillies left in this pasture.

Arnold...

Here we go.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

And Farquhar.

And suddenly, my life was over.

[ young women giggling ]

I'd just been partnered with Margaret Farquhar,

The flagship for seventh-grade weirdness.

Some people march to the beat of a different drummer.

Margaret had her own percussion section.

Yes?

Are we gonna do-si-do?

We'll get to that.

Oh, no.

Yes?

Why is it called "do-si-do"?

[ Light laughter ]

Because that's what it's called.

Arnold!

Is that clockwise or the other way around?

Did I ask for questions?

I always ask for questions.

That was Margaret.

She could get on the nerves of any teacher...

Including Gandhi.

Arnold! Step to the center now.

Go get 'em, tiger.

All right. First things first.

The bow and curtsy.

It was gonna be a long week.

- Hey, Arnold! - Here it came.

The sharks to the kill.

Looked pretty happy out there with Farquhar.

Yeah. Thrilled. [ Laughter ]

"Uh, excuse me, but, uh... Why do they call it 'do-si-do?'"

- Duh! - Duh!

Scrub behind your ears, Arnold?

Got to watch out for cooties.

Okay. I had to nip this in the bud.

I had a reputation at stake here.

Well, maybe I'll be sick this week,

And one of you will have to dance with her.

Oh!

Keep this boy healthy!

Duh!

- Duh! - Duh!

Okay. I'd handled that pretty well.

Besides, they were just a bunch of goofy guys.

I could deal with them.

I hear you're in love.

I hear you really, really want her.

An hour a day isn't enough, huh?

Shut up, Wayne.

Shut up about what?

Nothing.

Kevin was square dancing in gym today.

Square dancing?

What kind of sport is that?

Don't they teach wrestling anymore?

Oh, I don't know, honey.

I'm sure it teaches good eye-foot coordination.

So, uh, who'd you get as a partner, Kev?

Some girl.

Some girl?

Oh, surely you're too modest.

Well, who was it, Kevin?

[ Mumbling ] Margaret Farquhar.

I didn't get that. Could you speak up?

Margaret Farquhar?

Trudy Farquhar's sister?

She's a little different, isn't she?

[ laughs ]

Are you kidding? She's a joke.

She's a gleep.

Sorry, Kevin.

Hey. I didn't pick her.

And besides, first thing tomorrow, I'm gonna dump her.

Kevin. That's not very nice.

You wouldn't really do that, would you?

Well...

Look, just because she's different

Doesn't mean you can't be nice to her.

Well, look...

She's just... Not popular, okay?

Uh-oh. Fatal mistake.

I'd opened the door for the most dreaded words

In the dictionary of kid-dom.

Kevin...

I expect more of you than that.

Ahhh-ouch!

[ square dance music plays ]

All join hands, circle left.

Promenade the hall.

Promenade. Now, don't be shy.

Grab your lady and pass on by.

[ Rhythmic clapping ]

What do mothers know?

Let them spend a morning on the slippery slopes

Of seventh-grade society.

Girls to the center. Form a star.

Suddenly, I felt singled out.

Boys to the center. Same as before.

A marked man.

Having fun?

In your dreams.

Looks like love to me. [ laughs ]

Are you kidding? She makes me want to...

[ ding! ]

Kevin, I expect more of you than that.

All right, Mom. All right.

So summoning up all the humanity I could muster...

Now bow to your partners.

[ Record scratches ]

Class dismissed.

I fulfilled my moral responsibility.

See ya, Margaret.

And that was that.

Hi, Kevin.

Uh-oh. Keep going.

I'm standing in the hall.

No, don't turn around.

Uh...

Miss billings sent me out here.

She says I ask too many questions.

Were you in the bathroom?

Great. I'd said three words to her.

Now we were gonna have to have a whole conversation.

I have to go a lot, too...

When I drink too much water in the morning.

Do you like bats?

Bats?

I have a fruit bat.

Mama! This chick was weird!

Do you like the name "Mortimer"?

Look, I have to get back to class.

- What class? - I got to go.

- Okay. Did you... - I got to go, Margaret.

Well, I'd learned one thing.

Bye, Kevin!

Never go to the boys' room alone.

Stay in groups.

Heidi wore perfume today, the kind I'm allergic to.

But when I sneezed, she said, "gesundheit."

She could have just said, "bless you,"

But she gave it to me in German.

You're an animal, Paul.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go get an ice-cream sandwich.

Got to keep up that strength.

Amazing.

Fate had given Paul Heidi Gambowski

And me...

Batgirl.

[ chuckles ] heck, it was almost funny, you know.

Hi!

Margaret!

Unh-unh. Not acceptable.

Not in public.

An empty hallway, maybe. But not a cafeteria.

Do you like chili?

You can't sit here.

I almost fell down during the grand right and left today.

Did you notice?

The nerve of this kid.

Ii have these seats saved.

I went ice-skating once, and I fell down a lot.

But I always think

You got to get back on that horse and ride.

Geez. What did I have to do here?

Call western union?

Margaret... [ ding! ]

I expect more of you than that.

Okay, so I wouldn't tell her.

[ laughter ]

I'd just eat fast. Very fast.

No moral law against that, was there?

Do you like to ice-skate?

[ Mumbles ]

Where were you born?

Don't chew! Swallow!

Then get the heck out of there!

Bats don't eat breakfast, either.

Almost home now.

Do you think "Mortimer" is a good name for a bat?

[ Muffled ] I'm finished. Bye.

But you didn't even answer my... -Bye.

There. I'd made it. No cooties on me, right?

Are you and Margaret going steady now?

[ laughter ]

Ughhhh!

- Hey, Romeo. - Yeah, Romeo and Farquhar-et.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo.

Where "Farquhar" thou, oh, Romeo?

[ laughter ]

- Duh! - Duh!

I needed help.

Paul, do me a favor?

Sure. Name it.

Let me dance with Heidi today.

Not on your life!

Well, I was on my own.

There was only one way to put the brakes on with Margaret.

Hi.

Snub her.

[ square dance music plays ]

Now take your lady by the... Hand.

Oh, I-i sprained my wrist.

Heh heh heh.

Why hadn't I thought of this before?

All join hands. Circle left.

[ Coughs ]

Yep. It was working.

Like a charm.

Circle left around the ring.

Parade, parade, you're going the right way.

Parade, parade, you're... Going the other way.

This was gonna be tricky.

All right.

[ Music stops ]

We'll try again tomorrow.

Success.

She'd finally gotten the message.

[ knock on door ]

I'll get it!

Did you know you only live

Five streets down and three across?

Maybe one thing that made Margaret a social pariah

Was she didn't know how to take a hint,

Subtle or otherwise.

I brought Mortimer.

He's sleeping. Do you want to see?

No. Don't encourage her.

Margaret, you can't stay.

I have, um...

Homework.

Homework and, uh...

Uh, a doctor's appointment.

Do you have a water tap with water?

Look, I'm really, really busy.

Really, really, really busy.

- Kevin? - So...

Who's that at the door?

Margaret?

Uh-oh. I could see Mom's radar working overtime.

In about three seconds, she was gonna fall in love.

She can't stay, Mom.

Now, I'm sure she can stay for just a little while.

Can't you, Margaret?

Well, fine. Why don't we just adopt her?

Maybe she'd like to sit down?

That was it. Margaret was in like Flynn.

This is my bat.

But hold on here.

Bat?

He won't go in your hair unless there's bugs there.

[ Rustling, squeaking ]

I would have brought Isabelle, too,

But her terrarium's too hard to carry.

- Isabelle? - My tarantula.

Holy cow.

Bats and spiders?

Two of Mom's personal favorites.

I also have a lizard, but he's sick.

Oh.

Did Margaret know what she was doing?

That's too bad.

I hope he feels better.

Amazing.

Mrs. Be-nice-to-everyone

Had been chased out of her own kitchen.

[ door closes ]

Ii guess your mother doesn't like bats.

No.

Yeah, neither does mine.

So, uh...

You want to sit down?

And so, I spent an hour

With the most unpopular girl in school.

Do you know where the word "tarantula" comes from?

Huh?

Well, they had this disease in Europe

That if you got it made you jerk around like you were dancing.

And they thought it came from spiders.

She was weird, all right.

The funny thing is, she was also interesting...

In a weird way.

So they named the spider after the dance...

Tarantella... Tarantula.

Margaret, can I ask you something?

Why do you have three pigtails?

Because you never know

When you're gonna need an extra rubber band.

I'd never met anyone like her.

Not that I liked her, you understand.

Still...

So, your Dad was in the army?

We travel a lot.

Do you know anyone who's been to 12 schools in 8 years?

That's a lot of schools.

Bats are good travelers.

Dogs you have to leave behind.

Kevin, will your friend be staying for dinner?

Now, that was a picture.

Margaret, Mortimer, Mom and Dad and...

Wayne!

Margaret!

You got to go.

- Now? - Yes, now.

Can I have another drink of water?

Here. Here's your glass.

There's a hose up the street around the corner.

Kevin!

Sorry, Mom. It was ditch her or die.

Well, maybe you can come to my house sometime.

Sure. Sure.

If you come tonight, you could meet Isabelle.

- I-I'll be there. - Is that a promise?

Mom?

Yeah, okay. I promise.

- Really? You promise? - I promise!

What'd I miss, here?

Nothing.

Nope. Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Except for one meaningless little promise.

[ sighs ]

That night I went to Margaret's house.

But only because I promised.

[ sighs ]

Okay, maybe it was more than that.

Heck, she did have a tarantula in there.

And it was dark.

No one would ever see me...

[ doorbell rings ]

Unless, of course, someone happened to pass by.

Someone I knew.

Someone who knew Margaret.

Someone like...

Yoohoo! Kevin!

Look, everybody! It's Kevin Arnold!

Hit the floods!

[ laughter ]

Duh!

- Duh! - Duh! -Duh!

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

There he is. We see him.

Attention, neighborhood.

Attention, neighborhood.

Kevin Arnold is at Margaret Farquhar's house.

I repeat...

Kevin Arnold is at Margaret Farquhar's house.

Coming!

Ugh.

Hello?

All in all, I guess I lost my nerve.

Hey, how did you get those scratches on your arm?

I don't know.

Looks like you fell in a pricker bush.

Paul, where do you come up with this stuff?

How do you I didn't get into a fight

With cat or something?

Well, you see, these scratches are lighter,

And a cat's are, you know.

Paul, look, I just have to be

By myself for a while, okay?

Sure.

But I still say it looks like you fell on a pricker bush.

I'd made my decision.

This couldn't go on.

It was time to deal with it once and for all.

Margaret?

Hi, Kevin.

Where you at my house last night?

My bell rang. Did you ring my bell?

That's right.

Pour on the old guilt, why don't you?

My mother made popcorn.

Margaret...

I-I can't talk to you anymore.

What?

And then I had an idea.

A great idea.

Well, you know, I like you, and...

I think you're really nice.

But, so, we can talk to each other.

But not at school.

Or at my house.

Or in front of anybody.

But, you know, we could still be friends.

You know...

Just no one would have to know about it.

We'd be, um... Secret friends.

Okay?

Zowie! Talk about a solution.

Secret friends?

Well, yeah...

Kind of.

The funny thing is, I actually believed

She'd jump at the opportunity.

You don't want to talk to me?

She wasn't jumping.

Why don't you want to talk to me?!

Well, I didn't say that I didn't want to talk to you.

You don't want me to talk to you?

See? Now she was twisting it all around.

How can you be friends

If you don't want to talk to somebody?!

Hey, hey, hey. What's going on here?

Uh...

I don't understand this.

What's so awful about talking?

Hey, Arnold.

Looks like honeymoon time.

Hey, Arnold. You pop the question yet?

Ha ha. Very funny.

Hey, uh, Farky,

Why do they call these things "pigtails"?

It was horrible.

I wanted to tell them to knock it off, leave her alone.

And Margaret... I wanted to scream at her.

Why did she have to be so weird?

Why couldn't she just be normal?

I wanted to say something.

But I didn't.

I couldn't.

- Duh! - Duh!

It was Margaret who did the talking.

I thought you were different.

- Ooh. - Ooh. -Ooh.

[ Square dance music plays ]

And so, that last day of square-dancing,

I danced alone.

Maybe if I'd been a little braver,

I could have been her friend, but the truth is,

In seventh grade, who you are

Is what other seventh graders say you are.

[ choir vocalizing ]

The funny thing is, it's hard to remember the names

Of the kids you spent so much time trying to impress.

But you don't forget someone like Margaret Farquhar.

Professor of biology.

Mother of six.

Friend to bats.

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