Original subtitles

? What would you do if I sang out of tune? ?

? Would you stand up and walk out on me? ?

? Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song ?

? I will try not to sing out of key, yeah ?

? Oh, baby, I get by ? ? By with a little help from my friends ?

? All I need is my buddies ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ? -? Try with a little help from my friends ?

- ? Whoa-oa-oa-oa, yeah ? - ? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

Sometimes, when you're a kid,

You lie awake at night

And ponder the kinds of questions

That grownups have long since stopped asking...

Questions like, what does it feel like to be dead?

Are time and space really infinite?

What was there before the universe began?

[ snoring ]

Why are there people like Wayne?

[ snorting ]

Butthead!

I could never figure it out.

Even in his sleep, my brother seemed to hate my guts.

I guess he'd just never forgiven me

For something I did to him very early in life...

I'd been born.

Then, to make things worse, I stayed.

Not that the Wayne didn't try to adjust.

In fact, our relationship eventually settled

Into a fairly stable pattern.

I always imagined that things

Would pretty much always be that way.

But I guess no matter how much your brother hates your guts,

And no matter how much you hate his,

There's always something you hold back.

There are things you could use against him that you don't use.

No matter how much you hate your brother's guts,

You don't really want to hurt him...

What are you looking at?

Until, one day, things go too far.

And on that day of reckoning,

The spear hurled with a grunt at the dawn of man

Lands at midnight with a flash of light and a mushroom cloud.

And so we conclude section 7 of "our dying planet."

Any questions?

Very well.

Next week we turn to section 8...

"radiation and mutation... what are the risks?"

"we will explore the proposition

"that your generation may very well be the first to experience

"the widespread...

Uh, widespread..."

Can you read that word?

Uh, it looks like "cancer."

Oh, yes. Of course.

"...Widespread cancer

Sure to follow nuclear industrial accidents."

Hey, sunshine, don't sugarcoat it.

We can take it.

And now, on a lighter note,

Let's turn to our science projects

On pollutants and toxic waste.

Miss Clark, Miss Rodino, are you prepared?

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

We pour in the hazardous waste here...

Let it stand overnight,

And then we study the ecological impact

On wildlife and their environment.

Well, he's gonna call on us.

I could understand Paul's concern.

Our project was due today.

But, hey, all we really needed was a conclusion,

And, uh, a theory, maybe a test subject,

Another week or so to finish.

Mr. Arnold, Mr. Pfeiffer.

Uh, we need a little more time to...

I see. Are you having a problem?

Uh, our results have been, um...

Uh, inconclusive.

Yeah.

Very well.

But I'll expect to see something on Monday morning.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

Now, smog and noise pollution.

Mr. Fisher, are you prepared?

[ Motor whirring ]

Here, this one looks easy.

Oh, let's do one with these little guys.

Hamsters?

Yeah, they're neat!

No, too much trouble. We need something simple.

Like what?

Fungus.

- Fungus? - Yeah.

- Disgusting! - But easy.

I am not doing an experiment with fungus.

I want to work with animals.

Paul's mother wouldn't let him have a pet,

And I guess he felt a little deprived.

Once I caught him petting the angora sweaters at sears.

It was pretty embarrassing for both of us.

[ sighs ] I don't know, Paul.

Hi! Hi! Hi, there!

Yeah, you. I'm talking to you!

Did I have a heart of stone?

You're so cute! You know that?

All right, we'll go with the hamsters.

Yeah!

All right! Did you hear that?

We're taking you home!

But this is a scientific experiment, Paul,

And we cannot think of these as pets.

Oh, yeah, I understand that.

[ High-pitched ] and you understand that too, don't you?

Yes, you do! Yes, you do!

Paul, you better close the cage, or they're gonna get away.

They wouldn't do that. They like us.

If we lose these guys, Cantwell will kill us.

Oh, here! [ Laughs ] I'll protect them for you.

[ laughs ]

- No, Wayne, stop. -Wayne! - Let me see him.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Wayne!

- Wayne! - Stop!

He's fighting me. He's gonna make a break for it!

Come on, Wayne!

- Give me it! - Wayne! Give him back!

- Give it back, Wayne! - [ Gasps ]

Back, boys.

Wouldn't want to see anything happen

To your little rat, now, would we?

They're hamsters!

Hamsters? Really, how interesting.

Do hamsters always land on their feet?

- Wayne! - Wayne!

We needed help. We needed... A stick.

A bat! A big bat!

We needed... Angela Chomsky.

Wayne! It's your girlfriend.

Hi, Angela.

[Chuckles]

The last thing he'd want is for his little brother

To embarrass him in front of Angela Chomsky.

[ high-pitched ] oh, Angela!

No, he'd rather embarrass himself

In front of Angela Chomsky.

Wayne, give it back! You're gonna squish him!

[ Normal voice ] hey. Back, scrote.

Or the little guy gets it.

[ laughter ]

[ High-pitched ] mm, what do we have here?

Why, it's the twin peaks. [ laughs ]

Wayne!

[ laughs ] oh!

[ Normal voice ] if this animal has offended you

In any way whatsoever...

[ high-pitched ] I want to go mountain climbing!

- Wayne! - Wayne!

[ laughs ]

[ Normal voice ] uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Hamster out of control! Hamster out of control!

- Wayne! Wayne! - I can't control it.

- Oh, god! Look out! Look out! - Wayne! Wayne!

- Aah! - Aah!

- Wayne! - Wayne!

What?

Okay, um, the effects of a bad diet

On laboratory hamsters.

We feed the test hamster a steady diet

Of processed snack foods... such as this.

The control hamster receives regular hamster chow.

We then compare the time it takes the two hamsters

To successfully run through the maze.

Oh, they're still upset from this afternoon.

Weaser's breathing very fast, and, uh, puffy...

I mean, the control subject has the, uh, hiccups.

Maybe we should go to my house and do this.

Relax. Wayne won't try anything.

Not with Mom and Dad around.

[ Footsteps clicking ]

Oh, no. What was that sound?

Mom! [ Chuckles nervously ] you're wearing high heels.

It could only mean one thing.

Your father and I are going out, honey.

Oh, no!

Okay, get the rats out of the kitchen!

- They're hamsters! - Mom gave us permission.

Mom, you're not gonna let them

Do their stupid experiment in here.

I already told them they could.

But Angela's coming over.

Angela's coming over?

In your dreams!

Eat your heart out, sonny boy.

She wants me. Now, beat it!

You beat it.

- No, I'll beat you. - Yeah, right.

- Yeah, I'll beat... - Yeah, get off me, stupid.

Now, can't your father and I leave the house for two hours

Without you two at each other's throats?

Unh-unh.

Wayne, you and Angela can use the living room.

Kevin and Paul can use the kitchen.

Mom, you don't want these little rodents in here.

I mean, we eat in here.

It'll be all right.

They're so dirty and smelly.

They are not. They're clean!

They leave these little pellets all over the place.

And they're gonna get in your walls and breed.

Wayne knew just how to play Mom.

If there was one thing she dreaded,

It was that animals would get in her walls and breed.

Kevin, I want them in the cage at all times.

Do you understand?

Yes, Mom.

I'm gonna go get the vacuum out,

And I want you to clean up after them.

I don't care what Mom says.

As soon as they're gone, you're gone, butthead!

No, I'm not, butthead!

Yes, you are, dorkface!

Things were going badly. [ door opens ]

I needed help in a big way.

Dad, Mom gave me permission

To do my project in here, and Wayne's...

I don't want to hear it.

- Karen? You're in charge. - Karen?

- Can we rely on you, honey? - Don't worry, Mom.

Now, go on, or you're gonna miss your movie.

Okay. Bye-bye.

It came down to this...

My last hope for peaceful coexistence

Lay in the hands of a 17-year-old flower child.

[ car doors close ] and yet... call it crazy...

I felt a sudden rush of faith in my sister. [ engine turns over ]

I'm outta here. You guys are on your own.

Well. All right. Where do we stand?

Dad's gone.

Mom's gone.

Karen's gone.

Well, who's next in the chain of command?

Of course. How silly of me.

Why, it's me.

And I say you two are out of here right now!

You get out of here.

All right, I didn't want it to come to this.

Stop it, Wayne!

Leave Weaser alone!

"Weasel"?

Oh, don't want to hurt little Weasel, do we?

- Give him back, or I'll... - You'll what?

Give me a break.

The guy outweighed me by 4,000 pounds.

Or I'll take him back.

He'll take him back.

Back! Get back!

[ Disposal whirs ] back!

You wouldn't dare.

Observe.

[ Whirring intensifies ] Stop him!

You don't scare me, Wayne.

It's getting heavy.

All right! All right.

Say, "I give up, o mighty Wayne, my lord and master."

Eat it!

Mm.

The blades whirl so fast, you can hardly see 'em.

Stop him!

I give up, o mighty Wayne, my lord and master.

Now turn it off!

First, I want you to pick up all that junk,

Take it into your bedroom, and then close the door.

And I don't want to see either of you for the rest of the night!

Give me the hamster.

When you're in your room, and not before.

And then I'll give it to your little lab partner here.

That's what I like to see, boys...

A little Cooperation.

[ Whirring continues ]

All right! Give it!

All the way in. Not in the hallway.

I'm in!

Paul, check him.

He's in the bedroom.

This is the last I want to see of you, Pfeiffer.

One of these days...

I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna smash his brains out, rip 'em to pieces!

Rip his eyeballs out and roll them down the sewer!

Are you okay, Weasel?

Uh, I'll...

Split his head open like a ripe melon!

Come on, Kevin. It's time to feed them.

What? Oh! Right, right.

Next time, I'm not backing down.

I don't care what he does.

Hi, Angela? Yeah, it's Wayne.

I pretty much have the place to myself right now,

So why don't you come on over?

We should make another column here

So we can put the results side-by-side.

Okay.

And then later, we collate them.

De, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de!

- Paul? - Sorry.

- Can we go on? - Okay.

All right, now,

What was his last time running the maze?

Paul?

Do you think this experiment is safe?

Sure, it is.

Mr. Cantwell wouldn't let us do a project that was dangerous.

No, I mean for Weasel and puffy.

They'll be fine.

They are kind of cute, though, aren't they?

He likes it when you scratch him behind his ears.

[ High-pitched ] hi, there. Hi.

Hi. You're cute, aren't you?

Yes, you are...

Um... - [ clears throat ]

All right, now, uh, let's look at the data.

- Right. Data. - Yeah.

- Right, right. - Yeah.

All right, now next we have to measure

The test subjects' response to highly sugared soft drinks.

Okay.

Where's the root beer?

Oh, it's in the... Kitchen.

But we can't go back in there.

Wayne said if we were...

Hey! This is my house, too.

He can't control our lives.

Oh, come on, Angela, you promised!

Well, your hair looked pretty clean to me.

I'll tell you what...

I'll wash it and blow it dry for you.

- [ Sighs ] - Oh, come on, Angela.

I'm just gonna keep calling until you say yes.

I'm gonna make your life miserable.

I'm gonna bug you and bug you until you can't r...

Really?

You're really coming over?

Okay. All right. See you in 10 minutes.

What are you looking at, dorkface?

You know, I thought I told you

What part of the house you were restricted to.

Or am I forgetting?

It just seems so fresh in my mind, though.

I guess you were right about Angela wanting you.

She sounds pretty desperate.

Oh, shut up, butthead.

All right, all right.

Touchy, touchy.

He's starting to turn orange!

That's from the cheese doodles.

See? It brushes off.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, now let's check his heart rate. No, no, no. Not yet.

Why not?

He doesn't like it when you handle him

Right after he's eaten.

I think it gives him a tummy ache.

Paul was starting to lose any semblance of objectivity

About this project.

I realized I'd better put my foot down

Before it got out of hand.

Maybe you're right.

Let's give him five minutes to digest.

Okay, so I have a very light foot.

What could five minutes hurt?

I didn't want to make the little guy sick.

Oh, Angela.

I'm glad you could make it.

I know it's short notice and all,

But I just had to see you.

? Wild thing ?

Ahh.

? You make my heart sing ?

[ Music fast-forwards ]

[ Needle sticking in groove ]

[ Belches ]

He doesn't look too good.

His time's much slower.

No, Weasel! Not that way!

You can't interfere, Paul.

Dead end! Dead end!

You can't help him, Paul!

[ Sighs ] he's confused.

I'm telling you, the diet's getting to him.

That's the purpose of the experiment.

We're playing god here!

Paul.

- We have no right. - Paul.

- It's unnatural. - Paul!

It's not like it's poison.

I mean, millions of people eat this food every day.

Well, whose fault is that?

Look, this'll be his last run through the maze.

- Then we can put him in his ca... - He needs a drink of water.

We're supposed to be giving him root beer.

He needs a drink of water!

I could see that Paul was past reasoning with.

Okay. I'll get him some water.

And some Alka-Seltzer.

Oh, but Angela, I thought you were coming over.

Oh. Oh, are you serious?

Oh! [ Chuckles ] are you kidding me?

I do stuff like that all the time, too.

Angela.

Come on! Come on over.

Please?

Or... or I could come over there?

Angela?

Angela?

[ Sighs ]

Where's the water?

Forget it.

But he needs a glass of water!

Paul, let's just finish the experiment.

- Hamster patrol. - Stay out of here, Wayne!

[ Mockingly ] stay out of here, Wayne.

[ Whirring ]

Now, mother told you to be sure

To clean up after those little devils.

[ laughing ]

- Give me that! - Stop it!

Wayne!

Wayne, get out of here!

Work, work, work. It's all I ever do around here.

Get out of here! Get out of here! You're gonna...

Just trying to help you.

Get out of here! You're gonna hurt them!

Now, would I do something like that?

I'm just tryin' to... [ whoosh, thump ]

[ Motor whining ]

No! Weasel!

[ Click, motor shuts off ]

[ Grunts ]

At that Moment, as I looked at my brother,

Something snapped inside me.

I didn't hate his guts... I hated him.

I hated everything about him.

And at that Moment, I didn't care what it cost me.

I didn't care about anything. I just wanted to hurt him.

You want to know why Angela wouldn't come over? -Shut up.

- Because she doesn't like you, Wayne! - Shut up!

She doesn't. Nobody does!

- Shut up! - No!

You may be bigger than me and stronger than me.

But you know what, Wayne? I have friends.

Nobody likes you, Wayne.

You're just mean to everybody all the time

Because nobody likes you.

You're pathetic.

[ "Taps" playing ]

He died that men might learn.

[ Blows nose ]

It's okay.

[ Crying ]

Oh, Weasel!

I didn't see Wayne very much for the next couple of days.

In fact, I stayed out of the house a lot,

So as not to run into him.

What are you doing here?

Nothing. What are you doing here?

None of your business.

[ Sighs ]

Look, I'm sorry, okay?!

What do you want me to say? I'm sorry!

[ Scoffs ] yeah.

Well, it was a stupid thing to do.

I know that!

What do you think I am, an idiot?!

[ Sighs ]

You don't think I meant to do it, do you?

Do you?

No.

Sorry I said all that stuff.

Look, I'm going home, okay? Are you going home?

Yeah, I guess so.

As my brother and I walked home that day,

I guess we both knew

That things would never be quite the same between us.

Everything would be more complicated now.

Now we both knew that I could hurt him.

The funny thing was, I'm not sure I was glad about that.

? Ooh-hoo ?

? Ooh, brother, brother, brother ?

? I know you've been laying back a long time ?

? But I love you, love you like no other ?

? Oh, brother, brother, brother ?

? I've been watching everything you do ?

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