Original subtitles

? What would you do if I sang out of tune? ?

? Would you stand up and walk out on me? ?

? Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song ?

? I will try not to sing out of key, yeah ?

? Oh, baby, I get by ? ? By with a little help from my friends ?

? All I need is my buddies ?

? High with a little help from my friends ?

? I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ? -? Try with a little help from my friends ?

- ? Whoa-oa-oa-oa, yeah ? - ? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

Once upon a time,

A boy's popularity was based on kickball abilities,

Pea-shooting range,

And how much of the alphabet he could squeeze off

With one burp.

For the same boy to acquire

A comparable level of popularity

In junior high school...

He's gonna need a girl.

The ceremony rarely strays from tradition.

Fully unprepared for his certain someone

To be surrounded by three giggling friends,

Boy grows thirsty and proceeds to drink.

He will continue to drink until the gaggle disperses

Or his stomach explodes... whichever comes first.

Girl, acutely aware of boy's presence,

Warns her friends that she will, in fact, die

If they abandon her.

To no avail.

She is forsaken, left to yell a meaningless...

You guys!

After them

And tend to the business of rearranging her locker.

Seeing his opportunity,

Boy prepares for final approach.

He takes one last breath and lunges forward.

Girl feigns surprise.

Oh, god! You scared me.

And they engage in small talk.

Hi.

Hi.

Feeling the full weight of the Moment,

Boy realizes that those three gallons of fountain water

Have just funneled directly to his palms, armpits, and feet.

So, uh, how's it going?

Fine.

How are you?

Pretty good.

That's... Good.

Down to his final wisps of saliva,

Boy decides that the time has come

To... quote-unquote... "pop the big one."

You wanna go steady?

Sure!

And just like that, the ceremony is complete...

Good.

[ Giggles ] good.

Leaving the newly formed couple

With absolutely nothing left to say to each other.

Man, he looks like he's ready to barf.

Why would anyone want to go steady anyway?

Don't ask me.

What's so great about going steady?

Personally, I'd rather play the field.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

Paul was right.

You didn't want to get tied down too early in life.

I mean, look at Kirk McCray.

Winnie Cooper had him wrapped around her little finger.

Thank god I was a free man.

- Kevin?! - Huh?

I said, did you hear about Kirk and Winnie?

No.

Well, supposedly, they might break up.

I heard it from Becky Slater.

So, who cares?

I hear Kirk thinks Winnie likes someone else.

Big deal.

Oh, great.Now he clams up.

What was he gonna make me do? Ask him?

So? Who does she like?

I don't know.

Well, whoever it is,

It'll be a big step down from Kirk McCray,

I can tell you that.

I mean, he's like the coolest guy in the whole school.

I don't know who she thinks she's gonna get

Even half as good as he is,

Because he's like the top of... Paul...

You should really stop worrying about Winnie Cooper's love life.

I mean, it's kind of pathetic.

I was just saying.

I'd been toyed with too many times

To get excited about one measly rumor.

[ locker door slams ]

Besides, Paul and I had plenty to do

Without girls getting in the way.

It's good.

No.

No way! Your finger's crooked!

I'm going straight!

Not that I don't trust you or anything.

These surfaces are too slick.

Are you kidding?

These are the best in the school.

Competition. Accusations.

Common cruelty.

These were things we understood.

[ both laugh ]

Why did it ever have to change?

Hi, Paul. Hi, Kevin.

- Oh. Hi, Becky. - Hi, Becky.

You want to hear something?

I don't care.

I know someone who likes you.

Big deal.

Well, who is it?

Well, I can't tell you her name,

But her initials are C.H.

"CH."

"CH."?

"CH."

Big mystery here.

"Carla Healey,"

Who was the only female in Paul's life

Who wasn't a blood relative.

"CH."?

If you're interested,

She'll be at the skating rink tonight.

Thanks. I'll keep it in mind.

See you guys later.

"CH."

I wonder who that is?

Who cares?

Yeah. Who cares?

Yeah. Who cares?

So, you feel like going skating tonight?

? Yellow bird ?

? Up high in banana tree ?

? Yellow bird ?

? You sit all alone like me ?

? Did your lady friend leave the nest again? ?

What's with you kids?

You forget how to sing since yesterday?

All right, we'll do something more contemporary.

Page six. "West side story."

[ piano playing intro to "somewhere" ]

All's I'm saying is,

I think it would be fun to go skating.

I hate skating. [ choir singing ]

Why don't we just go bowling?

I'm sick of bowling.

All we ever do is bowl, bowl, bowl.

Do not.

I'd rather get some exercise, some fresh air.

It's an indoor rink, Paul.

Come on, Kevin.

All right. This had gone far enough.

It was time to do

What any red-blooded 12-year-old would do

When his buddy's about to dump him for a girl...

Torture him for it.

Well, uh, what's the matter, Paul?

Wanna skate with Carla Healey?

No!

Well, I thought you didn't like her anymore.

I don't!

Ohh. Well, you know,

I think you two would look very cute

Skating across the ice.

I'm not gonna skate with Carla Healey.

I just think it's gonna be fun

If we go skating... that's all.

It was hopeless. He was a goner.

One lousy "I know someone who likes you,"

And he's ready to sell out our...

Hold the phone. ? Somewhere... ?

What have we here?

That was no "I'm glad we're still friends" look.

That was "tony, tony, take me, I'm yours!"

My god, it was...

A Moment.

Maybe those rumors about Winnie and Kirk were true.

? ...Halfway there ?

[ Operatic voice ] ? hold my hand ?

? And I'll take you there ?

[ Operatic voice ] ? somehow ?

? Someday ?

? Somewhe-e-e-re ?

- ? Somewhe-e-e-e-e-re ? - ? Somewhe-e-e-e-e-re ?

What'd I tell ya?

[ Squealing happily ]

Well, one minute you're up, the next minute you're down.

How's it goin'?

Just wonderful. The time of my life.

She's all over me.

Paul, she doesn't know how to skate.

Well, what should I do?

I don't care. Why don't you just ask her?

You could say that I was being unfair,

But there were two hours until Mom came back to pick us up,

And I was losing the best friend I ever had.

You're not mad at me, are you?

Mad? Why should I be mad?

Look, let's just skate, okay?

Next song will be couples only.

Couples only.

All others please clear the ice.

We'll do some tag team later, okay?

Well, that was the end of that.

I'd lost him... to a woman.

Whatever happened to the pristine days

Of baseball cards and loogie contests?

Since when did women start to rule our lives?

Hi, Kevin!

Hummuna-hummuna-hummuna.

Hi.

How come you haven't been skating?

Oh, I, uh,

I hurt my... Ankle.

That's too bad.

God, she looked beautiful.

Where's McCray?

Who knows?

What was this tone?

Trouble in paradise?

Something wrong?

No.

I was gonna ask you something,

But I didn't know you were hurt.

Uh, no, it... it's, uh, not that bad.

It's feeling better already.

Breathe deep, little man. Here comes the big one.

This is really embarrassing.

Don't be embarrassed.

Come to papa.

Well...

Go ahead.

Do you want to [sighs]

Do you want to skate...

With Becky Slater?

What?

This is so embarrassing. Becky Slater?

She kind of asked me if I'd ask you.

Kirk! [ Laughs ]

Wait, I'm gonna fall!

It's hard to describe what I was feeling

At that Moment in time.

Humiliation?

Sorrow?

Or was it more...

Intense hostility?!

Becky Slater?!

Weeks of waiting in the wings... Ohh!

And all I get is Becky Slater?!

I'll give you... Becky Slater!

Yes?

Do you wanna go steady?

Sure!

Let's skate!

? Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ?

My first steady girlfriend.

Well, I suppose you could say

That going steady with Becky Slater

Had gotten me closer to Winnie Cooper...

Although not quite the way I'd pictured it.

Did you hear about Susan and john rogers?

What about?

Supposedly, Susan thought she saw John and Gina together...

You know, like together...

But they weren't together together.

They were just studying together.

But Susan might break up anyway.

No way!

I don't know. That's what I heard.

Ii can't believe it.

She's been giving him the silent treatment,

So he's been spending a lot of time with Jessica,

You know, like, talking and stuff...

Sitting there wedged between my dream girl

And my significant other,

One thought kept rolling back and forth in my mind...

"dear god, what have I done?!"

[ laughing ] I know!

[ laughing ]

[ laughs halfheartedly ]

I didn't know this girl.

I didn't want to know this girl.

Hey, Kev-bo, check it out.

[ Simian grunting ]

[ laughs halfheartedly ]

Anyway, I couldn't believe it.

Wayne, why don't you get off your butt and help out a little?

I put away the dishes.

Oh, well, in that case,

Why don't I feed you some grapes?

Peel them if you would, please.

[ Telephone rings, TV chatter ]

Hello?

Kevin?

Kevin who?

Gimme it, Wayne.

Oh, you mean little Kevin Arnold?

Just one Moment, please.

Kevin...

- It's for you. - Wayne!

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to ask who's calling.

May I ask who's calling?

Becky Slater?

Oh, just one Moment.

Let me see if he'll take your call.

[ Singsong voice ] Kevin.

- Wayne! - It's your girlfriend.

- Girlfriend? - [ Laughs ]

Hello?

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, I gotta go.

I'm eating dinner.

[ Sharply ] yes.

- Bye. - Becky Slater?

Is that the Slater family on elm street?

Here we go.

Serve up my love life

For a little dinner conversation.

Honey, remember the Slaters?

We met 'em last fall at the PTA fair.

Uh, barney Slater?

Oh. Tire business, right?

Yeah.

Little Becky Slater, huh?

She's a cute one, Kevin.

Why do mothers always feel at liberty

To discuss your love life at the dinner table?

Probably the same reason

They feel it their business

To check the crotch of your pants

In the middle of a crowded clothing store

And say, "plenty of room in there."

Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it, Mom.

It's no big deal.

Now, Kevin, I wouldn't call going steady

"no big deal."

- Going steady? - Mom!

Do kids still give each other I.D. Bracelets?

No.

No, we don't.

Any other questions?

Whatever happened to Winnie Cooper?

I thought you were...

Look, I said it was no big deal!

She's just a stupid girl that I met at the skating rink!

And I didn't even know her. Okay?

She's just one of Winnie Cooper's

Stupid little friends,

And I'm gonna break up with her as soon as I get the chance!

Okay?!

Are you all satisfied now?

- [ Snickering ] - [ Clears throat ]

Um, would you pass the potatoes, please?

Ha ha ha!

Kevin!

[ Singsong voice ] nah nah nah nah nah nah.

[ B.B. King's "The Thrill Is Gone" plays ]

Well, it seemed simple enough in theory.

I'd just kill off the relationship

Before it got out of hand.

And yet I couldn't seem to find the appropriate time.

It was always one thing or another.

? The thrill is gone ?

? The thrill is gone away ?

? The thrill is gone, baby ?

? The thrill is gone away ?

? You know you done me wrong, baby ?

Before I knew it,

Becky and I had been going steady for a full week.

That's nearly six months in adult years.

What'll it be, kids?

I'll have a coke and some fries.

I'll just have some of his.

Woof!

This chick was gettin' in deep!

First she splits your fries. Next thing you know,

She'll be moving her textbooks into your locker.

Kevin?

Is something wrong?

What do you mean?

I don't know.

It's like we don't talk anymore.

"Anymore"?

This was the first conversation we'd ever had.

Are you mad at me or something?

No.

Not really.

I don't know.

Don't be a coward.

Break it off clean.

One shot behind the ear.

She won't feel a thing.

I'm really glad we're going steady.

Winnie! Over here! Look, Becky, we have to talk.

Hi, you guys.

Have you seen Kirk around?

I was supposed to meet him here.

I don't think he's here.

Why don't you sit with us?

I don't know.

Hey, hey. What's this?

The physical contact too much to take?

I don't think I should.

But if you guys see Kirk,

Will you tell him that I'm looking for him?

No sweat.

Right, Becky?

Sure.

Sure you don't want some fries?

No, thanks.

I'm not hungry.

Well, take this...

[ both chuckle ]

And this.

[ both laughing ]

You guys make a really cute couple.

Boy, was she steamed.

Not the same without little Kevin Arnold

To kick around anymore, is it?

[ snaps fingers ]

Anybody home?

What?

I asked if you like ketchup on your fries.

Sure. Whatever you like.

[ Ketchup bottle spluttering ]

You're so weird sometimes.

I knew it was despicable,

But I couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities.

Becky and I sharing a carton of milk in front of Winnie.

Walking past her locker

With our hands in each other's back pockets.

Maybe even a well-timed smooch out by the buses.

Hi, guys.

I'm really sorry, Kevin.

What?

You must feel so terrible about it.

It's just so... - what?

You mean you don't know?

What?

Oh, god. Me and my big mouth.

What?!

Paul?You'd better tell him.

- Me? - Paul!

[ Sighs ]

Becky Slater is breaking up with you.

What?

She's breaking up with me?

Oh, god. We didn't mean to tell you.

We thought everybody knew.

Hey, Arnold. Tough luck about Slater.

Hey, I didn't even like her!

Who was that guy?

Kev, look. There's other fish in the sea.

I can't believe this.

How could she break up with me?

Kevin, you really can't blame her.

I mean, it's so obvious. What?

That you still like Winnie Cooper.

What?!

Well, that did it.

I had had it up to here with Winnie Cooper.

It was time to lay it on the line,

To force her hand.

I was just gonna walk right up to her

And ask her once and for all

What was going on with her and Kirk Mc...

And so it finally happened.

My poor 12-year-old heart finally crumbled

Into a little pile of dust and blew away.

It was over.

I was never gonna get her back.

It was time for a little self-respect.

It was time to let go. Time to move on.

After all, who needed women? Who needed friends?

I'd just walk alone from now on.

Yep, that was me, Kevin Arnold...

Lone wolf.

[ howls ]

There was just one loose end I had to tie up.

For your information, I don't like Winnie Cooper.

Tell me about it.

All right. I used to like her.

But I don't anymore!

[ Engine turns over ]

Yeah, sure.

I don't!

Do you like me?

I don't even really know you.

Well, I don't know you, and I like you.

It was just this whole stupid "going steady" thing.

I didn't even want to go steady.

Well, then, why did you ask me in the first place?

I don't know...

Wait!

Great. There goes my bus.

Standing there, alone with Becky,

I felt a warmth,

An attraction, a tenderness for another girl

For the first time since I'd lost Winnie Cooper.

You're such a jerk!

Thanks for nothing!

Wait.

How are you gonna get home?

How do you think?

Well, do you want me to walk with you?

It's on the way and stuff.

Don't do me any favors.

No!

I want to.

[ Intro to "will you still love me tomorrow?" plays ]

? Tonight you're mine ?

? Completely ?

? You give your love ?

? So sweetly ?

? Tonight ?

? The light ?

? Of love is in your eyes ?

? But will you love me ?

? Tomorrow? ?

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