Original subtitles

‐ Oh, sorry we had to leave the carnival early.

I just really didn't like the look of those troublemakers.

‐ You mean the clowns? [laughing]

Don't worry, our next date will be clown free.

‐ [sighing] Okay.

‐ NORA, CHLOE & BILLY: Ooooooh!

‐ [laughing] See ya, buddy.

‐ Yeah!

‐ FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Alert! Alert!

Incoming transmission from Super President Kickbutt.

‐ NORA, CHLOE & BILLY: Ooooooh!

‐ Okay, how does that even make sense?

‐ PRESIDENT KICKBUTT: Hello, Phoebe.

The Hero League needs you to investigate

one of our most dastardly super villains.

You must tell no one.

‐ This is so awesome. My first big take‐down.

Who's the unlucky, soon‐to‐be‐defeated jerk?

‐ Evil Man. ‐ Well, he is goin' down.

I'm sorry, did you say Evil Man?

As in Link's Dad, Evil Man?

‐ Even though he claims he's retired,

we have evidence that suggests he's up to his old tricks.

‐ Okay, um, if it's all right with you,

before I investigate my boyfriend's dad for being evil,

I'm gonna have to see some of this so‐called evidence.

‐ Guess who has two thumbs and just got hired

by Evil Man to be his evil protégé?

This guy!

Viva la evil!

‐ Did you hear that?

Evil Man just hired Max to‐‐Oh...

‐ So we're good here? ‐ Yeah, we're good.

‐ ♪

♪ What you see ♪

♪ Is not what you get ♪

♪ Livin' our lives with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in ♪

♪ Bet you never guessed ♪

♪ 'Cause we're livin' our lives ♪

♪ Just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture perfect family ♪

♪ Is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer, you might see ♪

♪ The crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't make believe ♪

♪ It's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family ♪

♪ Trying to be normal and stay out of trouble ♪

♪ Livin' a double life ♪

‐ Look, Phoebe, I'm a superhero, too.

I'm Popper Fingers.

‐ Oh, sorry, Cherry, I'm just, um...

I'm distracted thinking about something.

‐ What's up? Maybe I can help.

‐ Well, it's just that‐‐

unh, I probably shouldn't tell you this.

Um, okay, I have a superhero friend named "Fiona"

whose boyfriend's dad

is a huge villain named, um, "Evil Stan."

‐ That Stan sounds like an evil man.

‐ He's retired now but, if he's up to no good again,

"Fiona" has to turn him in.

‐ Fiona better turn that man in.

‐ But what about her boyfriend‐‐

"Crink"?

‐ Crink, schmink, she's a superhero.

Besides, what if his dad does something horrible‐‐

like erases November?

My birthday's in November.

‐ You're right, Fiona has to do what's right.

Also, your birthday's in December.

‐ ♪

‐ MAX: Yeah, yeah, got it. All right.

Thanks again for bringing me on

to teach me your evil ways, Evil Man.

‐ Hey, hey, hey. Here, I'm Mr. Evilman.

‐ Right. Your cover.

Mild‐mannered owner of this family mattress store.

‐ First of all, thanks to bedbug season,

we're doing quite well.

And, second, I only hired you

because a tiny lady just quit on me

and you look like you'll fit the uniform.

‐ You're doing a great job at pretending you don't like me.

‐ Really? You brought your daddy

to wipe your boom‐boom on your first day?

‐ Hey, I handle my own boom‐boom.

And I thought he left after he dropped me off.

‐ [sighing]

Hank! ‐ Oh, hey.

‐ Well, I see your butt has good taste.

You found the couchtress‐‐ part couch, part mattress,

all comfort.

‐ BOTH: [laughing]

‐ How much? Oh, ho, ho, ho!

‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Comfort ain't cheap.

‐ Ah, I'm gonna have to sleep on it.

‐ When he wakes up, I'll close the deal.

‐ Whoa, whoa, that's not your job.

That is your job.

Any time someone comes in or leaves,

you make sure those doors get closed.

All the cold air's gettin' out!

‐ Oh, I get it.

Keeping the doors shut teaches me

to keep my mouth shut if I'm ever interrogated.

‐ Wink at me again and I'll take your eyelids.

‐ Come on, Chloe, we're leaving for the park.

‐ [whooshing] Let's do it!

‐ Let's un‐do it.

‐ What are you talking about?

She looks adorable.

Come on, sweetie, let's go put on some sunscreen, hm?

‐ We cannot let her go to the park like that.

Everyone will laugh at her.

‐ I know. She went to the zoo last week,

and she got more looks than that chimp

chewing on that poor kid's ear.

‐ How is your ear? ‐ Better.

‐ All right, let's go.

‐ Uh, yeah, about the park.

I bet it's really crowded, don't you think, Billy?

‐ I'll check. [zooming]

It is packed. A ten‐kid pile‐up on the slide.

‐ Oh, well, I guess we'll have to go another time.

Come on, Chloe.

‐ We just saved Chloe from total embarrassment.

‐ Up top. ‐ [powers zapping]

‐ Ow! That's not how it works!

‐ ♪

‐ Tie clip cam, meet Max's ugly tie.

Together, you are gonna show me

what twisted shenanigans Evil Man is up to.

But, first, extreme close‐up!

Whoa! Whoa!

‐ [groaning]

[grunting]

[thunderous kicking]

‐ Hey, are you okay, Dad?

‐ I can't find anything comfortable in the whole house.

[groaning]

‐ Hey, looking good, Max.

You, uh, on your way to a dweeb rally?

‐ What about you? You goin' to a‐‐

you're a dweeb rally?

‐ Hey, Max, do you need a ride to the couchtress?

‐ You mean work?

‐ I'm aware of what I said.

Meet me at the car!

‐ Uh, Phoebe, have you seen my tie?

‐ Oh, yeah, it's right over there.

Mom said she left a gift on it for you.

‐ Oh, fancy.

I'll be the best‐dressed guy at my new evil job.

I mean, regular job.

‐ Did you just wink at me?

‐ Oh, it's become a problem.

It was a bed and like that...

it's this thing.

‐ Whoa, the future is now.

I'll take one. ‐ Awesome.

Uh, pull your car around, we'll get you taken care of.

‐ Max. ‐ Uh, sorry.

I'll get back to the doors.

‐ No, no, no, no. I'm impressed.

I'm promoting you to sales trainee.

‐ Is that code for "evil deputy"?

‐ You can call yourself whatever you want,

so long as you keep pushin' the cushion.

[laughing] ‐ HANK: [laughing]

‐ Come on. You brought your dad back?

Hank? ‐ HANK: Mm?

[laughing] ‐ Hank!

‐ HANK: Ah!

‐ Come on.

You just can't sit on the couchtress all day.

‐ This is a big decision.

I need to simulate my exact nighttime routine.

Can you rub my feet and let me talk about my day?

‐ Uh‐oh. Oh.

Hey! Ho! Ho! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, this mattress isn't for sale.

How about some, uh, some stickers for the kid?

There we go. So... so cute.

I'm...I'm so sorry.

You cannot sell this mattress.

It's my nap mattress.

Okay? So don't go near it again.

You got it?

Go rub your dad's feet.

‐ He sure is acting weird about that sad little bed.

I'm sensing twisted shenanigans.

‐ Who are you talkin' to?

‐ No one.

Where are you going?

‐ Nowhere.

‐ All right, then. ‐ Don't wait up.

‐ ♪

‐ That feeling you're experiencing right now,

Chloe, is awesomeness.

‐ My head itches.

‐ What in Bikini Bottom is happening right now?

You two look exactly alike.

‐ You're right, she looks great and she's lovin' it.

‐ My head is on fire.

‐ Girl, your whole look is on fire.

‐ ♪

‐ [sighing] Thanks for coming with me, Cherry.

‐ Well, it was either this

or stay at home and watch my dad clip his toenails.

‐ Yeah, well, here you can watch my dad do it.

‐ [blows air]

‐ So, bet you didn't know that the actual

Mattress Mike worked here, did you?

‐ From the commercials? ‐ Yeah.

And I hear he needs dancers for his next one.

‐ I'm gonna go show him my moves.

Yo, Mattress Mike!

And a‐one, and a‐two, and a‐three,

and a‐four and a‐five!

Hatcha! Hatcha! Hatcha!

‐ Thank you, Cherry.

‐ Isn't there a Mr. Old Lady

that can be helping you out with this?

‐ Okay, mattress, reveal your secrets.

Sleep speedometer? That's a thing?

[turns dial] ‐ [mattress rumbling]

‐ And then there was a missile.

President Kickbutt, please?

It's a national crisis.

No, don't put me on hold.

Oh, ho, ho, I love this song.

‐ Hey, Phoebe, I didn't know

that Mattress Mike is Link's dad.

He just walked in.

‐ What? Link is in the store?

‐ Uh‐huh.

And so is this missile.

‐ Okay, just don't freak out.

I'm on the line with the Hero League right now.

‐ This is just like your friend Fiona

who has that boyfriend whose dad is a bad guy and‐‐

[gasping] Oh, my gosh!

You're Fiona, Link's dad is Evil Stan,

Link is Crink and that special is a missile.

Why didn't you just tell me?

‐ Because I'm not allowed to tell you Hero League secrets.

That's why I was doing this...

‐ I thought you were just doing buddy puppets to help me focus.

Wow, Link is gonna be crushed, if you turn in his dad.

‐ Well, hey, I'm just doing the right thing, remember?

This was your advice.

‐ That advice was for Fiona, not you.

If you go through with this, Link is gonna break up with you.

‐ PRESIDENT KICKBUTT: Phoebe, did you find something

at Evil Man's mattress store?

‐ Um...

Never mind.

‐ I have to turn Evil man in. I have to.

But I don't wanna break up with Link.

I don't wanna. What should I do?

‐ I shoulda knew.

‐ [phone beeping]

‐ Uh‐oh, that's Link.

I forgot we're supposed to hang out tonight.

‐ Oh, before you arrest his dad,

will you ask him how I did on my dance audition?

If it comes up.

Good luck.

‐ [front door opens, closes]

‐ Hey, Link! You on your way?

‐ Actually, I have to cancel. My dad's still at work,

so I'm watching my little brother.

‐ But isn't the store closed at night?

‐ Yeah, but he's staying late‐‐ some top secret project.

‐ Top secret?

‐ Yeah, it sounds like he's about to launch something big.

‐ I know what he's launching.

‐ Also, Cherry's banned from the store.

‐ It wouldn't be the first time.

Talk to you later Gotta go.

‐ Woo! Ha! Ha!

What a day I had, Colosso!

I sold three mattresses

and saved Evil Man $35 on his electric bill.

‐ Listen to yourself.

Evil Man's not teaching you anything about being evil.

‐ Oh, sure he is.

It's all part of his master plan.

Little by little, he's grooming me

to become the next great super villain.

‐ He's groomin' you to be his weekend manager.

Look at yourself.

‐ Holy suburban sales nerd, what happened to me?

My hair is parting itself?

And is that a cellphone holster?

‐ [holster hits ground]

I have to go down to that mattress store

right now and quit. [groaning]

‐ That's my Max.

Now make sure you get rid of that cellphone holster.

‐ I already did. Stop doing that!

‐ [holster hits ground]

‐ And the finishing touch...

a beautiful bow.

Now when Mom and Dad take us out to dinner,

you won't look ridiculous.

‐ I feel like a birthday present.

‐ That's right, Chloe.

With that bow, you're a gift to the world.

Look, Billy, I fixed her.

‐ What?

Let it go! ‐ Give it!

‐ Never! ‐ It's mine!

‐ Whoa! Whoa! What's goin' on?

‐ Nora dressed Chloe up like a doof.

‐ Only because Billy dressed her up like a chucklehead.

‐ I don't wanna be a chucklehead.

[whooshing] ‐ [sighing]

Look, I...I know you're trying to help

your little sister,

but she likes the way she dresses.

‐ Mom, people are gonna laugh at her,

if she's out there dressed like a lost and found box.

‐ Chloe doesn't care about what other people

think about her clothes, so why should you two?

You know, maybe you should care less about

what she's wearing and more about what she's feeling.

Chuckleheads.

‐ I think we just got Mom'd.

‐ BARB: Yeah, ya did.

‐ Good evening, Evil Man.

‐ Phoebe, how did you get in here?

Did your brother leave those doors open again?

‐ Yeah, it's about the missile you're hiding

under that mattress over there.

‐ Would you believe that was there

when I bought the place?

‐ Look, the Hero League sent me to bring you in,

but I'm worried what that will do to Link.

‐ He's a good kid.

Do you know he and I have really been bonding lately?

We flew a kite the other day.

It was a ladybug.

‐ I think you should turn yourself in.

‐ Hm...

it doesn't sound like something I'd do.

‐ Just think about Link.

He would hate me, if I turned you in,

and he's really gonna need somebody

when you're rotting in jail.

‐ Well...

Since you put it that way!

‐ PHOEBE: [gasps]

‐ [high‐pitched laugh]

‐ What are you doing?

‐ Who? Me?

Changing the missile's target

from Hiddenville Central Library to the Hero League.

‐ PHOEBE: [straining]

‐ Now I hate them more than books.

‐ Please! At least put me in a more comfortable bed.

This one's all springs.

‐ Suffer! [high‐pitched laughter]

‐ Chloe, we're going to Splatburger now.

You should get ready.

‐ I don't wanna go. ‐ [can rattling]

‐ We're sorry about what happened today, Chloe.

We were wrong to tell you what to wear.

‐ Yeah, you're not a chucklehead.

We're the chuckleheads.

‐ And doofs.

‐ Huge doofs.

You should just be yourself and dress how you want.

And we promise to love it.

‐ Do you forgive us?

‐ Not yet.

Now I forgive you.

‐ I am so pulling this off.

‐ I don't know what's happening here,

but I like it.

And don't let anyone turn you into a suburban sales nerd.

‐ What's with the cellphone holster?

‐ You are not a part of me!

‐ [holster hits ground]

‐ Three minutes...

till the Hero League is a pile of rubble and spandex.

‐ [computer beeps] ‐ [high‐pitched laughter]

‐ [straining]

‐ ♪

‐ Aw, nuts.

‐ ♪

‐ [chest clatters]

‐ Nice try.

Maybe if you give up now, they'll go easy on you.

‐ I'm Evil Man! Nothing can stop me!

‐ [blowing icy air]

‐ I can't believe you stopped me.

Well, too bad you haven't the guts to turn me in.

You couldn't do that to your precious Link.

He'd never forgive you.

‐ Hey, Dad, I'm here. What'd you need?

Is this for a new commercial or...?

‐ It sure is.

We're freezing prices and blowin' up the competition.

Lie, Phoebe.

This is where you lie to save your relationship.

‐ Link, your dad is trying to destroy the Hero League

and I have to stop him. ‐ What?

‐ You're probably gonna break up with me for this,

but I have a job to do.

[sighing]

President Kickbutt, please?

I have Evil Man.

‐ PRESIDENT KICKBUTT: Well done!

[applauding]

‐ Well, that was quick.

‐ Congratulations. You passed the test.

‐ Test?

‐ The Hero League needed to make sure

you were willing to put your superhero life

ahead of your personal life.

‐ And again I say... test?

‐ I know it wasn't easy.

But you just took a huge step toward

becoming a full‐fledged superhero.

‐ Okay, as much as I love passing tests,

that is messed up!

Also, I hope that outburst doesn't affect my grade.

Link, I'm so sorry I had to turn your dad in.

I'd completely understand if you wanna break up with me.

‐ Why would I do that?

‐ 'Cause I chose my job over our relationship.

‐ It's called doing the right thing.

And, besides, who would I have to lean on

while my dad was rotting away in jail?

‐ No jail can hold me.

I can break out of anything.

[straining]

A little help, Phoebe.

‐ [blowing hot air] ‐ [ice cracking]

‐ Ha!

Out of anything.

‐ MAX: Hey, Evil Man!

‐ [thunderous explosion] ‐ [doors clattering]

‐ Try closin' your doors now.

‐ My doors!

My couchtress!

‐ Couchtress!

‐ Wait a minute. What's everyone doing here?

‐ Our friend Evil Man came out of retirement

to help us test your sister.

‐ You were helping the Hero League?

‐ Yeah. They bought a ton of those flip‐up beds.

And they also got me a fishing boat

you can't tell your mom about.

‐ You may have gone suburban soft,

but I haven't.

Say goodbye, whatever this is aimed at.

‐ [computer beeping]

‐ [power surging]

[missile backfires]

[ice cream truck music]

‐ Way to go, Max.

That ice cream was supposed to be a surprise for Phoebe.

‐ Look at that‐‐they have all my favorite flavors and toppings.

‐ Or do they?

Viva la evil!

Viva la sprinkles!

‐ Was he wearing a cellphone holster?

‐ ALL: [talking at once]

‐ It should have been me.

Nooooooo! [sobbing]

Is that an ice cream rocket?

‐ ♪

‐ ♪

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