Original subtitles

- Oh, my gosh, Link.

You got me jelly jams from Metroburg.

How did you know I wanted these?

- I kinda caught on after your 20 texts.

- [cell phone beeping] - Twenty-one!

- Ha, you're on a slow network. Expect about 35 more of those.

Now stand back-- these can get messy.

[filling splooshing] - Mm!

- Oh. - So good.

- Link brought you jelly jams?

He's so cool.

- Ah, I don't see it.

- I also got you guys some.

- Link's the best!

- You are so thoughtful and generous.

- And boring and dull and toothy.

- Oh, that's right. Max lives here, too.

- Hey, don't worry.

I'll just politely ask him to leave.

You're the worst. Get out.

- Gladly. I'm taking these with me.

- [powers zapping]

- I did not super-stretch the top half of my body

to Metroburg just so he could come in and steal my jams!

I got run over three times!

- Okay, just ignore him

and we'll paint his face while he takes his afternoon nap.

- Not this time, Phoebe.

[arms squeaking] - Hey!

Let go of these jams!

- What is your problem?

- My problem is the son of Evil Man should be evil,

not buying delicious baked goods for goofy girls.

By the way, you're the goofy girl.

Unhand the jams, nerd! - LINK: Never!

- I mean it--let go!

- [heavy thud] - Ha. Ha.

I do not get what you see in this guy.

- ♪

♪ What you see ♪

♪ Is not what you get ♪

♪ Livin' our lives with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in ♪

♪ Bet you never guessed ♪

♪ 'Cause we're livin' our lives ♪

♪ Just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture perfect family ♪

♪ Is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer, you might see ♪

♪ The crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't make believe ♪

♪ It's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family ♪

♪ Trying to be normal and stay out of trouble ♪

♪ Livin' a double life ♪

- Here's your towel, honey.

I can't wash these things fast enough

since you've been going to yoga so often.

- It's "broga," Barb. Yoga for bros.

I'm sorry, you bend this body, it is gonna sweat.

- [laughing]

- [grunting]

- Well, you have a good workout, my little bendy bear.

- You know me-- "Namaste" fit for you.

- [laughing]

Phoebe, what's wrong?

- It's Link. I miss him so much.

- Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

You know, I had a feeling it wouldn't last.

- What? No. We're still together.

- [gulping water]

- Every time Link comes over, buttface Max runs him off.

- Now, Phoebe, your brother's not a buttface.

- [chomping apple]

What?

Take a picture. It lasts longer.

- Already did.

As great as it was painting butt cheeks on his face cheeks,

I'd rather have Link here.

I just wish he and Max didn't hate each other so much.

- Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.

- So, you're saying if I set up a play date for Max and Link,

they might like each other and my problem would be solved?

- Huh?

Uh, uh, sure, I said that.

- Mom, you are awesome! Thank you so much.

- Uh, Mom of the Year!

- ...99, 100! Ready or not, here I come.

[zooming]

- ♪

- Found you.

- Took ya long enough.

- Didn't dad just leave for yoga?

Why is he sneaking back in?

- What dad does is none of our business.

- BOTH: [giggling]

- Come on, let's go follow him.

- HANK: [laughing]

- What's he doing in the closet?

- Maybe he thinks it's the bathroom.

It happens to the best of us.

Ready?

- Gotcha!

That's weird.

Where'd he go?

- I don't know.

- He's gotta be here somewhere.

- Hey, you. - Hey.

Ready to go see that movie?

I wouldn't mind getting outta here before Max shows up.

- Whaddup, losers?

- Too late.

- So, where's this giant Bigfoot you texted me about?

'Cause all I see is "The Missing Link."

- Okay, full disclosure-- we're not going to the movies

and Bigfoot doesn't exist, you big dummy.

I was hoping the guy I like

and the brother I am forced to put up with

could play a game of basketball and maybe try to get along.

- I guess, if it means this much to you,

I'm willing to try.

- Phoebe...

I am not willing to try.

But I am willing to kick this loser's butt at basketball.

- Ha. Not gonna happen, dude.

- Oh, yeah?

- [arm squeaking]

- Whoa, you play dirty.

I like it.

- And that is how you start a beautiful friendship.

- [filling splooshing]

- I don't get it.

It's not like a grown man can disappear.

- Not unless he's Invisiman, Dr. Vanish, Ghost Cowboy,

Vapor Dude-- - I meant dad.

- Well, he's not here, but I do smell him.

Wait, I think it's just these stinky shoes.

Whoa.

We're pushing that, right?

- It's too red not to push.

- [gasping]

A secret room.

I cannot wait to see what treasures lie inside.

Ew.

- Go! Go! Goal! [laughing]

- I'd laugh if it was someone else's dad.

- Oh, hey, kids.

Ahhhhh!

Kids, uh...

Look at this room...

we all just found at the same time.

- Save it, Dad.

What is this place?

- [sighing] All right.

I'm gonna level with you.

This is my top secret superhero surveillance room.

Right now, I'm making sure

everyone's safe at this soccer game.

- Dad, you're the best.

I wanna be just like you.

- Billy, look around.

How is a buffalo wing vending machine

keeping people safe?

And look at his face.

He's lying.

- Huh. Well, he's still onto something

with this no pants thing.

- All right, fine, it's my Thunderman Cave.

When I tell your mom I'm going to yoga,

I sneak up here for a little peace and quiet and--

Come on, ref!

This sanctuary has to be our secret.

We can't tell mom.

- Of course.

We would never tell mom about our Thunderman Cave.

- Our Thunderman Cave?

- Best secret room ever!

- Fore!

- Whaddup, Stretch? - Nothin' much, Cheat Breath.

- This is nice--now that you and Max are cool with each other,

we've been able to hang out here.

- Yeah, he's not so bad.

[laughing] Except at basketball.

I've been beating him all week.

- Wow, he really does like you.

Usually, when someone beats him, he frames them for a felony.

- [laughing]

Oh, you're serious?

- We brought dinner.

- Hey, Dad, can you take us to yoga?

- Didn't you go to yoga this morning?

- Yep, we also went after lunch.

I'm getting awesome at darts.

Pinball! Golf!

Yoga stuff!

- I think we've had enough yoga for one week.

Sometimes too much of a good thing

can be annoying.

- Maybe Mom can take us.

I bet she'd love to see the...yoga studio.

- On second thought, I'll take you.

Can't ever be too flexible.

- [bones cracking] - Ow!

- Hey, Link, are you still on for playing video games?

- If you're still on for losing.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- Look at you two bros.

Talkin' smack, keepin' it real,

gettin' all chum-chuminay.

Okay, I may have made that last one up.

- I can't believe they actually became friends.

- I know, but Link is so nice, he can be friends with anybody.

- Yeah, well, let's hope some of his niceness

rubs off on Max and not the other way around, am I right?

- [laughing] What do you mean?

- I...I was just making a joke

about Max's evil ways rubbing off on Link.

- Link could never be evil. - No, of course not.

Although his father was nice

before he got all buddy-buddy with Dark Man.

But Link's fine. He's a good kid.

- Yeah, a good kid.

- [arm squeaking]

- Whoa, you play dirty.

I like it.

What say I turn you evil.

- Well, I am a good kid.

But now that we're buddy-buddy,

what are we waiting for?

- BOTH: [evil laughter]

- The good thing is you can trust Link

and that's the foundation of every relationship.

I mean, look at me and your father, you know?

We're all about trust.

There's nothing that he hides from me.

Uh, we have no secrets, you know,

and if you're gonna have any kind of future with Link,

you have to trust that you have no secrets.

- You're right, Mom. I trust Link.

- Good. - Max, not so much.

- I took a big chance making you my evil lieutenant, Link.

You're not gonna let me down, are you?

- I'd never betray the dark side.

- Whoa, Link, in that cloak,

you look exactly like your father.

He's toothy, too.

- Max, sooner or later,

I've gotta tell Phoebe what we've been up to.

- Dude, no.

If you tell Phoebe you joined my evil brotherhood,

she's only gonna make trouble for us.

- Now come on--let's go take down our enemies.

- You're not goin' anywhere.

Whoa-a-a-a!

- [heavy thud]

- First time on a slide?

- No.

Yes.

- COLOSSO: [laughing]

- Colosso?

I forgot my map. Have you seen it?

Colosso?

Who froze you?

- I did!

- Ahh! - [heavy thud]

- That's for turning Link evil.

- There's something seriously wrong with you.

- Flower Park?

What terrible things do you have Link doing

in this park after dark?

- Zip it, rhymy.

You don't know what you're talking about.

- Oh, really? I heard all about your evil brotherhood

and how you're gonna take down your enemies tonight.

- Okay, you kinda know what you're talking about.

- Yeah, I am not letting you get to Link.

So, if you wanna leave this room,

you've gotta go through me.

- [blowing icy air]

Or I can go around you.

[blowing hot air]

- Brrr! Brrr!

Watch out, Max, Phoebe heard everything and--

Oh, never mind.

- Hey, what took you so long?

- I kinda ran into Phoebe.

- You know what? I think it's time I tell her what's going on.

- Wait! No, you can't...

because...

I already told her.

- You did?

Was she cool with it? - Super cool.

Cold, even. - Oh, great.

Well, then, I don't feel bad about bringing this--

like you asked. - [gasping]

Evil Man's Ring of Suffering.

We'll use it to subdue our enemies--

just like your dad did.

Evil laugh with me into the night.

[evil laughter] - LINK: [evil laugher]

- From your gut like this. - BOTH: [evil laughter]

- It works, huh?

- Pull! - [powers zapping]

- Pull! - [powers zapping]

- Enough!

You two have destroyed my peace and quiet and my man swag.

Stop it or I will--

- Tell mom about your secret man cave?

- I was gonna say kick you out of here,

but clearly you're the one in charge.

- Get ready, Nora. Two at once.

- [powers zapping]

- [electrical sizzling] - [metal door slams]

- What's that mean, Dad?

- The Hero League wanted us to have a safe place

if villains attacked, so they designed

this thundertanium- reinforced panic room.

- So we're supposed to panic now?!

- No, I'll just open the door by typing in the code.

- [electrical sizzling]

- All right, Billy, you can panic now.

- Got it. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

- Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. There is another way out.

A huge power surge outside could open the door,

and the only person who can do that is...

- ALL: Mom.

- Oh.

- What are you waiting for? Call mom already.

- Yeah, she'll understand why you've been lying to her

so you can eat meat in your underwear.

- Only in my dreams, Billy.

New plan. - Dad.

- That door might be made out of

the strongest metal in the world,

but there is nothing stronger than a man

afraid of getting caught by his wife!

[roaring]

- [heavy thud]

- Give me...my phone.

- Yes, Hank, I'm right outside.

I don't even know what you're doing in the panic room,

but stand back, mama's about to release the kraken.

Ask the kids. They'll know what that means.

[powers zapping]

- COLOSSO: Whoa! Oh! Oh!

- Whoa. What just happened?

- I'm guessing your mother released the kraken.

- Max froze me! - And you froze me, ice witch!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell.

But you have to admit you're annoying.

Admit it. Admit it!

- [powers zapping] Yes!

Hank, Billy, Nora, are you ok--

What happened to the panic room?

- Yeah, you two wanna explain this?

- Nice try, Hank.

A putting green. Jumbo screen. The pinball machine.

This was your original plan for our bedroom.

- Okay, I turned this place into a man cave,

so I could have some "Hank" time.

- And then Billy found out his secret

and the two of them dragged me into their world of lies.

World of lies!

Anybody buying this? No?

- I'm sorry I lied to you, Barb. Can you forgive me?

- You know, I could look past

your sneaking around and your lies,

but you know what I can't look past?

That amazing buffalo wings vending machine!

Why would you hide this from me?

- Wait, you're not mad about dad having a secret room?

- Oh, no, we have four kids,

none of whom will ever find my Fortress of Barbitude.

But a buffalo wings machine.

Ooh, I'll have some of those and some of these.

Oh, mango habanero!

- Where are they?

- MAX: We are here!

Brothers!

And Joni.

Your Duke of Darkness

commands you to chant the words of our evil brotherhood

as we prepare to take down the keepers of the light.

- OTHERS: All hail the Duke of Darkness!

For there is none more evil or handsome.

- I like that.

Lieutenant, step forward.

Present me the Ring of Suffering.

Yes, with the Ring of Suffering we'll be unstoppable.

- Let's get evil!

- Not on my watch, you won't.

- An intruder. She must be a spy from the light side.

Get her! - Wait, no!

- [thudding, crashing]

- Oh, no.

- Well, that was a lot easier than I thought it would be.

- Phoebe, what are you doing here?

- Link, I came to un-brainwash you.

You can't be evil.

You're super cute and you bring me jelly jams.

- I thought you told her. - He didn't have to tell me.

I know exactly what's going on here.

- Um, is this your first time LARPing?

Take it down a notch, Kicki Minaj.

- I'm sorry. LARPing?

- It's a Live Action Role Play game, Phoebe,

and you ruined it.

I'm the leader of the Dark Realm.

- Wait, I thought you were the Duke of Darkness.

- It's the same thing!

For them, this is a game.

But I get to be a supervillain out in the open and I like it.

- Oh, I get it. You're a giant nerd.

- No, they're the giant nerds. I'm the guy with the ring.

The Ring of Suffering!

- OTHERS: You are evil and handsome.

- Brotherhood, regroup.

Costume check.

- Link, I am so, so sorry.

I thought Max turned you evil and I'd lost you.

- Phoebe, you know me better than that by now.

- Yeah, but I also know him.

- Kiss the ring.

Kiss it!

- I'm not gonna stop you guys, if you wanna keep playing,

and I won't keep you from being friends.

- Look, I only became friends with Max for us.

If putting up with his lies and playing his stupid games

means you and I get to hang out,

then it's worth it.

- Stupid games?!

From the heart of Hades, I stab at thee!

- You can't stab your own lieutenant.

- Join him!

- Dude, we're on the same team.

- I was done with you once I got your dad's ring.

Enjoy the afterlife!

- The "afterlife" is a picnic table with punch and cookies.

- WHITE WARRIORS: [roaring]

- The light side approacheth.

Attack! - [grunts of combat]

- Oh, don't worry.

I'll get your dad's ring back during his next nap.

- That thing? It's my little sister's.

It's actually made out of candy.

- Behold the power of the ring!

- [grunts of combat]

- ♪

- Yes! - You high scored, Billy!

- MAX: [powers zapping]

Looks like you missed again, Bubble Gum Arms.

- Mom, Max is bothering me and Link.

- Max, leave them alone

and bring me some more Chipotle Ranch.

- I finally understand her and dad's relationship.

- Hey, where is your dad?

- [clicks on TV]

Finally, some peace and quiet.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yeah, touchdown!

- ♪

- ♪

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